REFS NEED LOVE TOO
An honest perspective from the 3rd team on the pitch... the referees. Through humor, analysis and education, we are slowly changing how people view referees and officials in all sports. We care and have a love for the game as much as any player or coach. Sometimes even more. Youth soccer (proper football) is a multi-billion $ industry in the US. Tremendous money is spent on players, competitions, travel etc., but almost nothing spent on developing the next generation of referees. I hope that this Podcast inspires, educates and humanizes the next generation of referees for their own development and appreciation from the players, coaches and spectators they need to work alongside.
REFS NEED LOVE TOO
Referee Resilience: Oregon Youth Soccer Addressing Abuse Head-on and Building Confidence as a Referee
Ever found yourself in the middle of a soccer match, caught between the roar of the crowd and the whistle in your hand? Join me, David Gerson, as I recount the highs and lows of grassroots refereeing, sharing my first-hand experiences on the pitch. Starting with the sweet taste of success in a seamless match, we quickly progress to the chaos of an intense game where a tactical foul ignited a firestorm of protests. Through these stories, you'll discover the art of maintaining authority amidst a sea of dissent and learn essential strategies for keeping unruly behavior in check while ensuring fairness.
Safety and respect are paramount, especially when a player's well-being is on the line. Reflecting on a tense incident involving a young player's head injury, I underscore the critical responsibility referees have in prioritizing player safety, even when facing resistance from coaches. This episode also shines a light on the limited training referees typically receive and the immense value of mentorship in this role. By weaving in personal anecdotes and listener stories, we highlight the importance of patience and perseverance for both new and seasoned referees navigating the challenging dynamics of the game.
Lastly, we confront the darker side of refereeing—verbal abuse from spectators and the lack of support from coaches. Through vivid scenarios, we explore the emotional toll such behavior can take on referees and stress the necessity of enforcing guidelines to curb abuse. The narratives of former critics turned referees serve as a powerful reminder of the transformative impact of empathy and understanding. As we wrap up, the focus shifts to fostering a culture of respect and appreciation for referees, celebrating the passion and persistence needed to thrive in youth sports environments.
out some gifts to refs this season who have worked, say, over a certain amount of games. Consider giving out refs that you love to coins, cards or whistles. I know in some associations they even give out cash bonuses. That would be nice. Maybe you just want to give out gifts to the refs that you know and love, that you work with in your area. I've just stocked up big in advance of the holiday seasons and I can accommodate some bulk discounts and merch. It's not, you know, completely unlimited, but I can cut big deals when I get orders for over 10 items at a time. Just shoot me an email at refseedlovetoo at gmailcom for details and I'll hook you up.
Speaker 1:Hello and welcome to the Ref Seed Love 2 podcast, a show that gives you real raw and behind-the-scenes view of one of the hardest jobs on the pitch the referee. I'm your host, david Gerson, a grassroots referee with 10-plus years of experience and over 1,200 matches under my belt. You can find me at refseedlovetoocom, on Insta, tiktok and now even on YouTube. This week we're going to be breaking down some of my challenges with a coach and a team. I reffed yesterday an innovative approach to sensitizing parents and coaches to ridiculous behavior on the sidelines and we're going to hit some of my favorite letters from the mailbag.
Speaker 1:Yesterday, guys, I had two matches as a center referee the U15 and U14 Boys Academy matches. First game was great, close battle Went 0-0 in the first half. It was a gorgeous day outside. I mean I'm talking like when it kicked off it was like 75 degrees blue sky, little bit of breeze, field was in good condition. It was fantastic. Kids were being great, played to the whistle, respected the calls, didn't hear anything from the parents, nothing. Coaches were wonderful. It was a tight game, wound up finishing two to one on a goal scored in second half. Stoppage time like 80 plus two 40 minute halves, but no major issues. I worked real hard, man. I was sprint out, covered over 5.2 miles on the match. I had over 23 sprints. Then it felt like I was on top of my game. It's great. Post-match a parent walks up to me and told me that I was the best referee she's ever seen. I kid you not, said that her husband wasn't able to beat this match for some reason and so she specifically called him on the phone to tell him about me. So crazy, like they were so shocked. They had a great referee Like it literally was call worthy, which I think is so funny and that felt great.
Speaker 1:Second match Now, again, I'm not expecting anything not great in the second match, actually it's so. I'm at a club, or at the fields that one specific club is at. They usually have no issues with the coaches, nothing. Second match game starts really fast. Goal is scored in the first 30 seconds by the home team. It's on, I'm like this thing going Not.
Speaker 1:Two minutes later, the same home team commits a tactical foul in the middle of the field, trying to break up a promising attack. So balls played up to strike or beats the center back, center back, reaches out with both hands, grabs the jersey, like he's like riding a horse and he's got the reins, and he pulls this kid back by the shirt until his other defenders and they were not too far away but could get the ball and so breaks up the promising attack and I award a yellow card for unsporting behavior, stopping a promising attack, the tactical foul, and the coach and the players are like how can you show a yellow card? Coach is yelling specifically how can you show a yellow card in the middle of the field Only two minutes into the game and he like, continues carrying on. And as I'm writing the card, when I finished I just calmly hey, coach, tactical foul, very blatant pulling of the jersey. It's a yellow card offense, whether it's the second minute or the 82nd minute. And he continued. I just said, coach, you're engaging in public dissent, stop him. And then he stopped.
Speaker 1:But I got to tell you this team, that was their culture. It seemed on every single call that didn't go in their favor, whether it was a corner kick, whether it was an offside decision, their method of operation was to complain about the call. It was a culture on the team. After the second corner kick of the game that they disagreed with, surprise, I literally had to stop the match, held the kick and I just told all the players you guys need to play the game and play to the kick. And I just told all the players you guys need to play the game and play to the whistle, just like I said in the pregame. Okay, or there will be consequence. Cut it out. I'm not going to cut down a little, but pretty much every time that they didn't get a foul or the foul was called against them, they would whine and complain, maybe not full-on dissent, but moaning and groaning and it was just so fascinating. It's an offside decision. The ARs got it. They called the kid coming back from an offside position. You're not going to see that kid, but again, if you're turning and you're like coming towards me to whine about that, like you need to get in position, man, we're not going to change the call. Go away. 13-year-old kid doing this. It's so ridiculous. I'm incredulous. So late in the first half they got scored on. They were up 1-0 at this point and then it's 1-1. They got scored on.
Speaker 1:It was a scramble inside the penalty area and I had a great view of the play. I am literally just to the left of the penalty arc, maybe even a little bit inside that. I'm not even 10 yards away from this and I'm probably the only person on the field who has a great view of this. And the center back is shielding the ball from attacker. For some reason the keeper didn't come out and center back reaches out with their toe leaning back and kicks the ball away. And there is a player behind him and he does have his hands on him, but I didn't see like a pull or anything like that. I didn't see him like hold him and pull him down, but the center back falls back onto his butt. And as soon as that happens, the goalkeeper and the center back just throw their hands up in the air and start looking at me yelling for a foul. And what do you know? The ball kind of pops away to an attacker and the attacker almost miss, hits it and chips it towards the, the back post and the ball goes in and they scored on the play.
Speaker 1:And I gotta tell you like I've tried to watch this play back in my mind a few times and I'm like, was there a foul? Did I just miss a call? And I'm like I don't think so. Maybe it was. But what kills me is that these two kids literally completely switched off, stopped playing to complain to the ref rather than playing to the whistle, stopped playing to complain to the ref rather than playing to the whistle, like if they had just continued on and goalkeeper makes. I think could have been a very savable play. Then maybe afterwards, hey, did you not see the ball? No man, I didn't see it. But they literally stopped playing to complain to the ref, when the ball is still on their pedal, as opposed to playing the game. And I'm telling you man, the kids, the coach and the parents was like that just all game. They act like they are just victims of bad referee decisions rather than taking personal responsibility. It's so painful for me to say so painful.
Speaker 1:Later in the match I had a penalty called against the same team, center back got beat and he had his arm outstretched on their attacker who's running by him and right before attacker's going to take the shot, I see the kid push out like literally, took his hand and push the kid like through his hip and push the kid over and it was for me a pretty clear foul and I called a penalty. I think the defender was bigger than the kid who got pushed and maybe he doesn't understand his strength, but it was a push like literally had his hand on the kid's hip and pushed him over and it was enough to send the kid sprawling to the ground. He didn't just go down on his own. Was it a relatively light penalty? Could I have potentially let it go, maybe At midfield, definitely calling that in the penalty area? I know we should have a higher bar, but I literally, literally saw him put his hand on the kid's head and then, right as he about to kick didn't look like he slipped, saw him push him over, at least that's what I'm seeing in my mind but they were livid. Livid Centerback immediately comes up to me like yelling other could come around. I'm like whoa, whoa, whoa, get up. Kids like back up. And I'm like I'm not changing my fall, I'm happy to explain. And so I said here's what I saw. And then it's a foul, it's a direct free kick, penalty kick in the penalty area. And they're like oh, I'm like no, you need to respect the call, get back in position. I'm not changing my call. And they walked away. Okay. So I've had a couple incidents Now, not long after this play.
Speaker 1:So I think I don't know, we're in the. Maybe we're in the 47th or 50th minute of the game, I can't remember. But a kid on this home team winds up getting a ball to the head and goes down to the ground. I stop play for head injury and I walk over to him and I'm like hey, are you okay? I'm like do you feel dizzy? He's like, yeah, I feel dizzy. And he's holding his head as he's standing up not set in my outfit Coach beckoning him onto the field and as the coach comes over to take him like coach. We've concussion protocol. Okay, he's got a potential head injury.
Speaker 1:The over at the center complex here there's numerous fields here. They have a trainer. Go get the trainer. He needs to be cleared by a medical professional before he steps back onto the pitch. Good, like I clearly said, this coach got to be cleared by a medical professional before he steps back onto the pitch.
Speaker 1:Okay, so we go on and like, in the 62nd minute all of a sudden I see this kid sub back onto the pitch and I said to the coach coach, has this kid been cleared by a medical professional? And he responds to me I kid you, not his quote, that's not my job, that's your job. And I'm like whoa, no, no, no, coach, the medical professional, the trainers over there at that center building, you need to go send a kid, go send a parent, but he can't play until he's cleared by a medical professional. That's not my job, it's not in my job description. I swear that's what he said out loud. You need to stop the match and if you want the trainer, you need to run over there and get it. He's saying that to me. I'm like no coach. My responsibility is these kids on the pitch who are cleared to pay play and we're going to go ahead and continue playing. If this kid wants to play, he needs to be cleared by a medical professional and he just continues to go. I said something like my job is to keep this going. He's like you're doing a horrible job. I'm like fine. So I just pulled out the yellow card, I carded the kid, carded the coach, not the kid, of course, my gosh, not the kid and just went on with the match and the kid didn't play anymore. But I'm just like it was ridiculous.
Speaker 1:Player safety is our number one job and I'm just shocked when a youth coach and we've all watched the same videos is willing to jeopardize welfare in lieu of trying to win a game. This guy needs remedial training. He might be a good soccer coach, but number one, he's got a victim mindset, a loser mindset, where it's always the referee's fault and he's not protecting child safety and welfare and that's ridiculous. So don't worry, I wrote a report, I sent it to my assigner. He's definitely going to follow up on it with the league. It's just ridiculous.
Speaker 1:Today, at a better day so it's Sunday now and I had a first time referee course. So they've gone online and they're done their online courses. And then we did our in-person field training and I have to tell you, if you have not been a mentor, I really encourage you to do it. It reminds you how little training we actually give referees before they're actually out there to referee match it. It's ridiculous. Kids when they're you wait, they're eight years old in academies, are going to training like three and four days a week and we do some online courses which people are probably barely paying attention to. And then you have this in-person course where you like, teach them how to hold a flag and how to do a signal for a goal kick and a quarter kick and how do you signal for a foul or something of that nature, or how do you recognize offside Barely Hard, that's what they figure out. Honestly, I think the main thing that we teach them in this first time class is how hard it is to recognize offside honestly. And then we do, you know, a little bit in the classroom, talk about, like, how to show up to the pitch, all that kind of stuff, and make sure you call your assigner when you get out of here. And then we do, just real briefly, how to blow a whistle and the different mechanics for a referee, and it is so basic. It is so basic.
Speaker 1:I wish parents could go through a first time referee class and understand that the kids that are coming out to do your U8, u10, u12 matches like this is all they get and practice for them is on the pitch. I got to tell you, I hope, I hope that when kids and parents we had adults in this class, most of the people there were adults. I hope, when they leave this class that they find some really nice and safe U12 recreational matches on a big field at a nice club where people are not too aggressive or something like that and they could just AR for a while. I know that at a lot of clubs they take these kids and they put them into U8 and U10 centers thinking, oh, that'll be a good entree into them for a referee. Those could be some of the most aggressive, most heated, passionate matches that you could ever referee. It's ridiculous, like absolutely ridiculous, how insane parents can be at those younger age groups on those small, tight fields. So I'm just oh to all those young refereeses sorry you had dogs barking in the background here. I got three dogs in my house, but all those young referees out there who went to that course today and anyone who's been trained in the last couple years, like godspeed man, I wish you all the best. Honestly, just stick with it. Appreciate that you're going to make mistakes and learn as you go. All good, so it was a fun day, but again it you man, how hard it is to be a new referee.
Speaker 1:All right, got something really cool this week from Oregon youth soccer, so I'm going to read you a letter they sent to all of the parents and coaches, and then I'm going to read some highlights from a link that they included, which I thought was just absolutely amazing. This is innovative. I've not seen any other club do this, so dig in for this, right. Okay, so this is a note they sent to all parents, players and coaches. Here we go, all right, so it says important. Please read. I went back and forth on writing this email over the past few weeks and backed out each time, but can't leave it another week.
Speaker 1:We need your help at Games Across Oregon this weekend and I want to tell you why. These are the notes from our disciplinary reports submitted by referees each week about the games they officiated the past weekend. I want you to see them so that we can all be on the same page going into this weekend about exactly what we're talking about when we talk about referee abuse. This is what really is happening out on our fields. The link below contains racist and offensive language, scenarios of abuse and descriptions of real incidents that we have experienced during the first 30 days of our fall league. The descriptions are unedited, but we've removed all player team club descriptors to protect those arguably should not be protected. I would also remind you that everything you read in these reports happened during a game involving players between 8 and 14 years old. Feel free to read that sentence again Kids playing soccer between 8 and 14 heard and saw this at a game in our soccer community. 90% of these incidents were perpetrated by adult coaches and parents at these games.
Speaker 1:We have had significant referee shortages in our communities all over the country. Oregon is doing better than most, but we are seeing our numbers decline each year and it doesn't take a genius to figure out why. Many of our referees are exactly like your own kids in so much they are starting out their careers picking up a whistle and earning a few dollars doing it. We know referees can always do better, as can players, as can coaches, as can spectators, as can we. How can you help?
Speaker 1:I am asking for your help with the sideline behavior. First, you'll read in the report a significant number of parent issues during the games. Ask yourself, what are you cheering for? Ask yourself, how can you handle a call that appears to go against your team. Ask yourself if what you are saying from the sidelines is constructive and appropriate to convey to, sometimes a minor official. Ask yourself, if that were your son or daughter being shouted at in that manner, would you be okay with it? Please help us this weekend. From the sidelines, I would like all parents to commit to doing two things this weekend. Number one encourage sportsmanship for everyone on both teams. Number two thank the referee crew and tell them you're grateful they were there so you could have a game. If we start with those two small but incredibly impactful things, I think that we will be able to have a successful weekend, have more harmonious games and keep all kids, including those with a whistle, involved with the game longer. Thank you, and let's have fun out there.
Speaker 1:It was signed Simon, and he put his phone number and I love it. All right, so he linked. Now, honestly, there were, like had to be, a hundred items. I've just picked out some of the gems from the document he shared. So these are literally direct reports and I will say some of these people need a little bit of guidance in their report writing because it's a little bit more subjective and I think they need to be very factual and talk about like moments and times and all that kind of stuff. But man, oh my, all right, ready, all right, quote.
Speaker 1:After the match I was walking back to my car, two of the parents from the home team started cursing at me and saying quote, you didn't make any good fucking calls, you shouldn't be a referee Period. I just responded with wow, that's crazy. And smiled and continued walking. They proceeded to talk shit the whole time I walked out. I'm sorry, I should have get a disclaimer before I started this. There is going to be some foul and abusive language. If you have children that are riding in the car with you, if you're from New York City, like I am, they've probably heard it before, but other ones, you may want to maybe skip this episode. Please go ahead for five minutes because the foul language is going to continue. I'm so sorry. All right, and I'm not laughing because it's like foul language. I'm just laughing because how ridiculous these things are.
Speaker 1:Okay, next one Ready, I am submitting a misconduct report for abuse by spectators slash fans who called the center referee a dumb bitch and a useless piece of shit during the game. As AR1, I did not hear that from the sideline and only learned about it at the end of the game when the center told me about it. We brought this to the attention of both coaches after the game. Next, one visiting team parents were yelling profanity numerous times at AR and center referee after calls were made that they didn't like. After a foul was called, a parent very loudly yelled fuck you. At the AR and center referee. All players and coaches heard the remark as it was very loud. No action was taken. Additionally, there was a few visiting team subs that were arguing with each other and used profanity like shit and bitch. Ar heard it and told them to watch their language. Told Center at halftime. Center said it was okay because they were not yelling at other teams.
Speaker 1:Next, one Home team coach spoke to me. Okay, I just want to pause for a second. I just think this is fabulous that they're putting this in writing and sharing it with everyone so that people see this is unacceptable. Your team will face discipline, your coach will face discipline. Your parents of the team are going to face discipline if these types of things are reported about your team and your club. And I think it's important because some people don't understand. They think that this kind of behavior is actually separate, all right.
Speaker 1:Next, one Home team coach spoke to me between games in a very strange manner, saying quote, I could have put you in a chokehold for that call. Referring to the previous game. This comment was made in front of another coach from the previous game. I was not sure who the coach was at the time and so I thought it may have just been a friend who was being inappropriate, but I chose not to deal with it at the time. However, it turned out that this was the coach of the next game. He continually shouted at me for the opening five minutes, saying quote, you have to be better than last game. Unquote. And then again quote. This is not golf or tennis or soccer. Know what game you are reffing? Unquote. I cautioned him five minutes into the game. When, looking at his behavior over the course of the day, I think it is important that someone try to redirect him before he gets into more serious trouble. Yeah, I think threatening a chokehold is a problem. Okay, next one.
Speaker 1:During the course of the game, multiple spectators were yelling at me as the only official on the field. One instance was a spectator yelling quote you yelling at me as the only official in the field. One instance was a spectator yelling quote you are a piece of shit, ref. And another yelling you, suck ref across the field. Both were by the away team spectators. I spoke to the away team coach and asked him to assist in controlling spectators as per Oregon Youth Soccer Association guidelines H2 1 and H2 2. His response was what would you like me to do about it? I'm over here and it's not my job.
Speaker 1:All right, I informed the coach that per OYSA rules, he is to assist with spectator abuse. His response was to yell quote, quit yelling, quit yelling at the ref from his seat as if it were a joke. And then he asked me there. I told him it was not a penalty anyway, unquote. He asked what do you want to just call it then? There's nothing I can do and you obviously don't want to be here. He's saying through him. I informed him that any further instances of spectator abuse would result in a yell to him and continue the game. I should have issued a yell at the time to the coach, regardless of that idea that a center ref was deserving of punishment and abuse from spectators because the coach disagreed with the call as egregious and unprofessional and unprofessional. But I did not.
Speaker 1:As the game was put, it was stopped enough for conversation with the coach. The players responded to this as well, and I was called puto twice that's a Spanish slur Twice during the game towards the end, once by the away team, once by home team. I was unable to identify the players and at that point in the game it was clear the coaches and players had little regard of me and so I did not press the issue. If I complete the game, I tell you that happens a lot, especially with younger referees, even senior referees. They're just like man. I just want to get this over with, I just want to go right. But again he's being called a slur. Puto, I think sometimes is associated with calling someone gay. It's not that there's anything wrong with being homosexual, totally cool, that that's your thing, all good but it is considered to be insulting and offensive language towards someone.
Speaker 1:We have to stop the game. We have to stop the game at that point. I think at this point it's a really awful situation for the referee. I feel awful that they went through it. But again, if we're receiving abuse, especially like that, we just stop and file a report, be like all right, we're done. We're done. They don't deserve to have you as a referee. If that's how they're going to treat you, all right. I just got a couple more here.
Speaker 1:During the game, parents were making comments in English and Spanish about calls that were made by me. Before the game started I talked to both coaches and let them know that it was just a center referee. They have no ARs today. I'll do my best making calls, but it might be difficult. Some call out of bounds and some offside. The game was going well but there were parents screaming at me for some calls, especially the call on the sideline by the fans. There were some disagreements on some of those calls from one side of the parents. In the second half this complaints and screaming from parents continue and increase. I stopped the game around minute 50 and talked to both coaches about the parents' behavior and asked the home team to talk to them First. One of the coaches from the home team didn't want to, but the other coach agreed to talk to them. I also warned the coaches of this continuum. I'm not going to restart the game until the behavior ends.
Speaker 1:Around minute 60, there was an attack by the fan side and one of the parents started to scream and use foul language against one of the players from the home team. I heard the word fuck you and a few other words. The player responded with quote they will stop the game because of you. Unquote or something like that. The parent responded with something like quote, you are a fucking loser, screamed it at a kid. Unquote my gosh, the scream. Something to another player from the away team. There were a few other words that came from the parents watching the game that were in Spanish and English.
Speaker 1:Everything happened quick and escalated fast. At that point I blew the whistle and went to the benches to talk to the coaches. I decided to stop the game because of the verbal abuse against 14-year-old players and a referee. 14, my gosh. First, one of the coaches from the home team wanted me to continue with the game, but the other two coaches one from the home team and one from the away team understood the reason to stop. They asked me if I knew who the parent, or parents, was using abusive language. I told them I didn't know who the parent was or from what team. After a few minutes talking, one of the coaches from the home team stated the coach from the away team said that I was a family member from his team. Oh my gosh. I told all three coaches that I was going to submit a report and the game was over. In all my years refereeing soccer games, I have never experienced this type of abuse against the players, especially 14 year old kids. And he just says I can be reached by email or phone. My gosh, he says.
Speaker 1:Next one here says near the end of a match I awarded a drop ball to the home team. A spectator, apparently disagreeing with the decision, yelled out. Quote are you fucking kidding me? Unquote. I ignored this, unable to identify the spectator as I was focused on the play. Oh my gosh, I, literally, I, honestly, I could go on and on. You know, with these things, I, I kept copying these things and I'm like amazed I have so many. I've already been going on this for over 13 minutes, but I, literally. I'm going to post a link to this in the show notes because I only picked out like 10% of what they included in this report. How about this one?
Speaker 1:A lot of issues in this game was very close to sending off home team coach for a cent and after the game I did feel a bit unsafe walking off the field as I had a parent, a grown man, follow me to my car and, while they didn't say anything or interact with me, took a picture of my license plate. Not sure why and what they plan on using that for, but I most certainly did not feel the most safe walking off the field and the repeated dissent by the home coach almost certainly played into the boldness of the spectators. Not sure what could be done about this, but that was not a good environment for me or my other officials. Jeez, I swear Holy Again. All I can do is laugh in the face of how ridiculous this is. One organization in Oregon in one month of games for ages eight to 14. I would bet these are mostly recreational matches. Eight to 14. I would bet these are mostly recreational matches. Are you kidding me For real? I don't think people know how many times these discipline reports get sent in around the country. I don't think people have any understanding of how absurd and inappropriate this behavior is towards referees and they wonder why there's a shortage? My gosh, all right, let's move on.
Speaker 1:Okay, now we get to the mailbag. This is from a young woman. I'm going to keep her name out of this. It says hey, I just recently found this page and it's been very helpful. I have played soccer my whole life very competitively, and now I'm in my thirties and I've become interested in refereeing. I went through the course last year and did two seasons for youth soccer ages nine to 13, and I haven't had a mentor or anyone giving me feedback on my games and the yelling from coaches and parents really killed my confidence. Shocker, right, look at what we just went through. And now we've got someone who's a high-level player, played soccer her entire life, now wants to be a referee and she's getting killed in ages nine to 13 games. Shocker, it's killing her confidence. She continues Recently. I find myself not wanting to do this anymore, even though I love the game and actually have fun with it. Any advice on gaining confidence as center ref? I actually think this could be. I could be amazing at this and even see myself doing much higher level games, but I'm struggling with my confidence. I just have full blown anxiety every time. I could use some guidance. Here's what I wrote back to her. The first two years are the hardest.
Speaker 1:At this point you know enough to know you're doing a good job, but you haven't had enough experience to be an expert. The key is sticking with it. Recognize that atmosphere or outbursts of emotion are common at any sporting event. You are going to hear people disagree with a call and say that it's a foul or it's not a foul, or he's onside, or he's offside or not offside every single game. It's a fact of life. It's not an attack on you personally. It doesn't mean that you are a bad referee. It simply means that someone who is extremely biased disagrees with a certain call.
Speaker 1:What you need to figure out now is when do you need to take action for dissent and when can you just let that atmosphere or noise go by? And if someone is consistently disagreeing with every call or complaining so loudly they're affecting your ability to manage the game. Then you got to deal with it. I promise you the first few times that you communicate a warning and then show cards. It will make a really big difference for you. You will feel more confident and in control of the situation, as opposed to someone who is being victimized or acting like they are being that. You're being victimized. You want to take control of the situation. I would also encourage you to step up your communication during the match with the players on the field and being really clear and confident and loud enough so that all the coaches and the spectators can hear it too. Generally, people just want to know what's going on. I wish you the best of luck and let me know if I can help you in any way. So again, all the love to everyone who's starting out there. Man, those first two years are tough. Stick with it. I'm telling you, year three, year four gets so much easier.
Speaker 1:All right, a couple more mailbag letters and then we're going to wrap this puppy up. Another one here. I love this former player. He writes. Former player more actively, a coach and more of a former ref harasser. Oh my gosh, love the transparency he writes. I just got certified at the grassroots level as a ref and it's changed how I act and the standard I hold my sideline to. I'm telling you, man, every coach, every player should be a referee at some point in time. We would have such a massively different culture around the sport if everyone did. It'd be crazy.
Speaker 1:All right, next one Mailbag from James. I love this. Another quote-unquote middle-aged ref. I am 44 and in my first year as a referee, I'm going to stop right there Again. Can we just remind everyone out there that just because you see a quote-unquote adult on the field doesn't mean they've been refereeing for 20 years. It could be their first year too, so give them grace. Okay, I'm going to start again. I'm 44 and in my first year as a referee. I've been doing club games for younger athletes since last spring and this fall I've started adding in high school games as well.
Speaker 1:This evening was my first high school boys game and it got pretty chippy quickly. As a new ref, I definitely second-guessed some out-of-bounds calls and fouls, but also realized that the game was so much more stressful because it was the first time that players and coaches in parentheses from the losing team mostly on parentheses were griping and complaining the whole time. I listened to your May 3rd podcast on the way to the game and then listened to the May 9th edition afterwards, which was the perfect antidote to a tough first outing. I coach my 11-year-old daughter's team as well and what you said about modeling behavior, especially when things aren't going your way, is so true. I have more games the next couple of days and I'm sure my confidence will improve with experience.
Speaker 1:But thank you for your words of enthusiasm. Words and enthusiasm, putting in all the perspective. That's from James, and he writes also. I was sporting. My ref's need but love to whistle and score cards which help with morale. Oh man, love you James. Thank you for the support, sir, absolutely Love you, man. Just keep going, just keep swimming, just keep swimming. Honestly, I feel like that is such a big part of the referee life right Is just keep moving forward, be in the present, try and take a moment to when things are getting tough is to make it mental note to ourselves. Okay, am I doing everything based on my training? Am I calling things to the best of my ability? Okay, great, and let's move forward Now.
Speaker 1:If there are outside influences, such as parents or coaches, who are creating a toxic environment and making it very difficult for me to do my job on the pitch, then we need to do something about it. We can't just let that go on, because it's only going to fester and grow Again. What we again permit is what we accept. What we permit is what we accept. And a little bit of noise, a little bit of nap atmosphere, a little bit of emotional outburst totally expected. Right, it's a sporting event, it's fun, it's exciting.
Speaker 1:People get disappointed with things. They'll go wait, that's okay, that's okay. But personal attacks okay. F-bombs directed at the referee, being directed at players on the pit by parents, coaches being disrespectful and rude and threatening to referees completely unacceptable. And if you don't card it and you don't document it and you don't send these people off, it will only continue to get worse and destroy the game that we love.
Speaker 1:I love being a referee. Therefore, I take action on the pitch when people are not behaving themselves appropriately, whether it's a player, whether it's a coach, whether it's a parent. I'm not going to let bad people who don't know how to behave destroy something that I love. I will not do it and I encourage you not to let it happen. I hope you enjoyed today's pod. I'm not perfect and I never will be. That being said, players and coaches need to accept that and learn to live with it. They need to focus on what they can control and accept what they can't. Complaining and absolving responsibility from themselves will only hurt them long-term.
Speaker 1:Also, the end of the season is coming up soon and, as I said earlier, man, I've stocked up on merch. You can get bulk discounts, whether it's for you personally wanting to give out some coins or some cards or some whistles to someone, or your local association wants to give out gifts or prizes or something like that, or you're doing like a monthly webinar and you want to give out like prizes for participation or something like that. Yo, give me a shout, man. If it's like for a webinar, I may even give you like a couple things free so you can advertise me on your webinars. That might drive sales or get more followers. Whatever man, reach out to me, I want to participate and I definitely want to be a part of the conversation.
Speaker 1:If you're looking at doing gifts for your local association, again thank you so much for your support. If you're looking at doing gifts for your local association, again thank you so much for your support. I really appreciate you. Please take a moment at the conclusion. So, if you haven't rated my podcast yet on Spotify or Apple podcast, please do. It's huge. It makes a big difference in the visibility of the show and potentially getting sponsors as well. Guys, I love you, I'm grateful for you, I appreciate you. I wish you all the best and I hope your next match is Red Card Free.