REFS NEED LOVE TOO
An honest perspective from the 3rd team on the pitch... the referees. Through humor, analysis and education, we are slowly changing how people view referees and officials in all sports. We care and have a love for the game as much as any player or coach. Sometimes even more. Youth soccer (proper football) is a multi-billion $ industry in the US. Tremendous money is spent on players, competitions, travel etc., but almost nothing spent on developing the next generation of referees. I hope that this Podcast inspires, educates and humanizes the next generation of referees for their own development and appreciation from the players, coaches and spectators they need to work alongside.
REFS NEED LOVE TOO
Why Referees Need to Master the Art of Letting Go
What separates great referees from good ones isn't just knowledge of the laws—it's emotional intelligence. This deeply personal episode explores the challenging balance of life as a sports official while introducing a powerful mental framework called the "Let Them" theory from Mel Robbins."
We begin with an intimate look at the struggle to balance a demanding marketing career, family transitions, and referee responsibilities. As my two oldest children prepare to leave for college just as the new soccer season begins, I'm reminded how referees must constantly juggle competing priorities while still showing up fully present on match day.
For the first time publicly, I share a chapter from my upcoming book about the referee journey. It traces my path from undersized rugby player to soccer official, highlighting how my father's lessons in resilience and discipline shaped my approach to officiating. This rare glimpse into a referee's origin story helps humanize the person behind the whistle.
The core of the episode introduces Mel Robbins' "Let Them" Theory specifically applied to refereeing scenarios. This game-changing approach helps officials distinguish between harmless emotional release versus true dissent requiring intervention. When a player screams in frustration after missing a shot or a coach processes a call verbally—let them. When criticism becomes personal or persistent—that's when you step in with calm authority.
Most powerfully, the theory extends to self-compassion: referees must learn to "let go" of their own mistakes rather than carrying them like emotional weights. The ability to acknowledge errors, learn from them, and move forward with confidence isn't just helpful—it's essential for longevity in officiating.
Whether you're a new referee looking for game management techniques or an experienced official seeking mental frameworks for the toughest scenarios, this episode offers practical wisdom for maintaining composure when everyone around you is losing theirs. Share your own experiences applying these principles in your next match!
Hello and welcome to the Refs Need Love To podcast a show that gets real raw and behind the scenes of the hardest job on the pitch the referee. Today, guys, we're going to do a little bit of a book report. I'm going to talk to you about some stuff going on in my life and how I'm getting ready for the new season. Okay, guys, first and foremost, thank you so much for joining me here today. Life has been busy so I have not been able to launch as many podcasts as I would like. It's not that there's not people that I want to have conversations with. There's tons of people I'd love to have conversations with. It's just the scheduling and the rescheduling when things don't work out, and trying to find the time to get it done. There's a lot that goes into the podcast and life has been crazy.
Speaker 1:I'm at a really interesting stage right now career-wise. My job, my full-time job, is taking a ton of my time, energy and focus. Yes, it's every day, but it's nights, it's weekends too, sometimes trying to build a new business. Again, I've told you, guys, I work for a little company called Hip Fuse. It's H-I-P space, h-u-e-s. It's a really fun little company that does activations, trade shows, events, family picnics, and hey, if you have one or you know of one at your company, man, please get me in touch with the person who runs your events. Or does the marketing event planning anything like that events, or does the marketing event planning anything like that? Trust me, you will not be disappointed. We bring joy everywhere we go. It's a lot of fun, but it's tough right, like I'm trying to build a business from scratch. We literally were not indexed on google until I joined the company and then built the new website and launched that and have been doing all the you know, the emails and the blogs and the social media and just making cold calls, just reaching out to people.
Speaker 1:And I'll tell you anyone who's listening to this, who's in sales, whose sales, is exhausting. I mean, I love working from home. It's amazing, but, man, you are just pouring all of your energy and effort into every single email, every single Zoom call that you're doing, every single phone call you're making, and then, when things are going great, man, you're on top of the world. When you're not getting a lot of hits, you know it's, it's exhausting and it can be emotionally draining and I'm I'm lucky, I'm a very positive person. I bounce back really quickly, but there's no doubt that it can be tough, and so it's. It's hard. And then obviously, I've got the refs. Need love too, thing. Aside from that, you know as soon as I like, I finished my day of work at like 6 PM and then have dinner with the family and then it's time to start getting working on. You know what video am I going to do that day? And I got you know 40 messages to return and then I've got a ship product out that night.
Speaker 1:A business has been slower during the summer on my retail store but, man, it's still busy every single day, which is fantastic. And I'm so appreciative for everyone out there who has supported me by buying coins or buying cards the new red and yellow cards with the pregame checklist, or score cards, or flags. Dude, I love my flag. I think my flags are fantastic for the money. They're rubber, handle weighted flags feel really professional. I feel really good about what we've put in the store. So I just want to say thank you so much for all your support.
Speaker 1:But, man, life has been busy. And then, on top of that, on the family stuff, my two oldest kids are both leaving for college, not this weekend but the coming weekend. So there's a lot of prep work for that, especially for my daughter who's going to Alabama, I mean, and it's going to be rushing and there's a whole thing that's around that, the whole rush, talk and crazy stuff. But, man, trying to spend every waking moment I can with them, with my son going to games, playing pickleball, hanging out and my daughter just trying to have quality time. I went for a nice 30-minute walk tonight, just me and her and the dogs, and just really trying to find every possible moment to steal a hug, to hang out, say I love you, all that kind of stuff. So it's been a busy couple months, even though it's during the summertime.
Speaker 1:I will say we did get to go to San Diego on vacation, which was awesome, my gosh, the weather was unbelievable. I totally can see myself as a San Diego person, without a doubt, although I can't afford to live there. Man, would I love to ref there in that weather, close to the coast. My gosh, that would be a dream. 75 degrees, you know, and like that morning, like marine fog over there. I could run in that all day. Man, my gosh, that would be a lot of fun. I'm also getting ready for the new season.
Speaker 1:I gosh, we just had our referee mentor training two days ago about 40, 45 referees and I'm going to say, guys, there was only one woman, only one woman mentor in that room. Now there might be a couple other mentor female referees in the state of Georgia, but one, just one. So we got to get more women out there. You know, obviously, in the referee community. Support them early on so they feel confident and feel part of the community. Support them early on so they feel confident and feel part of the community, but also move into positions of leadership and our mentors and our guides for those young women that we're trying to recruit in. Because I tell you, guys, we are better. We are better when we've got women in the room, whether it's on the pitch, in the boardroom, wherever in your life, it is good to have other voices from other perspectives there in positions of leadership, and it's really important. If you're a young girl, you know, or even maybe a later teenager, or in your early twenties, you need to see other women in positions of leadership who have been through the fire, who have learned lessons over time and can share their wisdom with you. So it's a little disappointing. Not more women there, but again, we've got a long road to go there.
Speaker 1:But we were preparing to start the new year as mentors and talking about the new laws of the game and new ways of communicating and trying to do things the U S soccer way. Love all the things that carry sites is doing. But, man, it's going to be busy for me and literally after I dropped my kids off at college, the very next day I think that's Saturday or Sunday I've got a new referee class that I'm going to be teaching here in Georgia, and then I've got another one a couple of weeks after that and the season begins, man, and we are off and running. So it's this has been a busy time right now in my life. I will say also, I talk about this a lot and I'm so sorry I always bring it up, but it's a big deal in my life right now. And if you're my age, you know, or maybe even younger, you might have parents that are aging.
Speaker 1:My father's health has not been doing good Now. I've talked about. I've been down there a couple of times this year to see him. He's not doing great. He was in the hospital last week. Now he's in a rehab facility adjacent to the hospital and things are not great for him.
Speaker 1:So I actually this is kind of news never talked about this really publicly before, but I've been wanting to write a book about youth soccer in America for like seven years and then over the last two or three years, after I developed the Ref's Need Love 2 channel, I really wanted to develop a book that was going to speak about, you know, a little bit about youth soccer, but really kind of the referee's perspective and then also a voice to, you know, the parents and coaches and players and words of wisdom to them help them understand what we go through, and then also some guidance for referees. But I really been working hard on the book lately. Over the last couple of months or so. I really, to be honest, more like the last three or four weeks or so, I've really kind of dug in and started to put in structure and chapters together and the table of contents, which I call the pregame checklist, of course, and I've got an introduction that I want to read to you guys. Actually it's not the intro, it's actually my chapter one and it's kind of how I became a referee and I'm going to read it to you. And the reason why I'm going to do it today is because I know my dad listens to my podcast and I want him to know that you guys and everyone who reads this book in the future will know about what a great guy and wonderful man my dad is. So let's jump on in Chapter one.
Speaker 1:Born to be a referee, I love the game any game. Growing up, I was never the best athlete Soccer, baseball, hockey, basketball, you name it I played it. What I lacked in natural physical ability I made up for with passion and hustle. I was never the kind of person who had to win every time. I just loved to compete, to work hard and to give everything I had until the final whistle. My dad wasn't a great athlete either. His strength was his mindset. He was a college professor of electrical and computer technology and wrote an 1100 page dissertation on wave theory for his doctorate. Nothing could stop him once he set his mind to something. Maybe that's why he became a marathon runner. He completed both the New York City and Boston Marathon. Like me, he was a morning person. He would wake up before dawn to train and I'd get up extra early to ride my bike alongside of him during his runs. Looking back, those were some of the earliest lessons in dedication and discipline, and those are lessons you just can't teach in a book. I learned a lot from my dad To be kind to everyone you meet, to stay curious and, most importantly, to be mentally strong in the face of adversity. Those lessons would carry me through life, just like a referee staying composed when the match gets heated.
Speaker 1:As a kid, I relished leadership role. I always wanted the ball at my feet or the responsibility on my shoulders, whether it was captaining a sports team, serving in student government, leading youth groups or landing a lead role in the school play. I wasn't necessarily the most gifted player on the field, but I was always willing to step up and lead when the moment called for it. One thing I didn't inherit from my dad was his academic prowess. I struggled with a learning disability and that made reading and writing tough. My emotional IQ was high, but standardized tests and quote showing my work unquote on paper were constant battle. If a class couldn't be passed with charm alone, I was definitely in trouble. Thankfully, I squeezed my way into a small state college in upstate New York and that's where my referee journey truly began. During my first week of college I saw a banner advertising the Oswego Rugby Club. They were holding open tryouts, no experience necessary, and I was in, despite being student-run.
Speaker 1:The Wizards of Oz, as we called ourselves, were at a time a Division I club and they faced much larger and better-funded schools like Syracuse, cornell and Buffalo. We were a scrappy bunch of misfits. Other schools had international students and professional coaches who understood the nuances of the game. We made up for it with grit, tenacity and a never-say-die spirit. When you played Oswego you knew it was going to be a dogfight, from the opening whistle to the final play.
Speaker 1:Physically I was undersized, 5'9" and 127 pounds, soaking wet. I was a twig compared to most players, but just like in soccer, where a smaller midfielder can still dominate in a match with vision at heart, I made up for what I lacked in size with mental toughness and a deep understanding of the game. I'll never forget walking off the pitch after a game where my dad and brother had come to watch. I introduced them to our club coach and captain, who smiled and said your son can really take a hit. It was true, I had no fear. I loved throwing myself into the action, taking a beating and popping right back up, smiling, bruised but undeterred.
Speaker 1:I played fly half and that's rugby's version of an American football quarterback. Essentially, you're the playmaker. You're reading the field, you're calling the shots, you're setting the tempo, often running with the ball to pull in defenders and offloading it before taking a brutal hit. You're sacrificing your body to create space for your teammates. Over and over I got flattened. Over and over I got up, and that willingness to get up again and again became my superpower. Not speed, not strength, just sheer will.
Speaker 1:By my second semester of sophomore year, I was a team captain and a club president A the club president. As president, I handled everything Scheduling matches, managing rosters, dealing with the university, organizing elections and trying to make sure my teammates didn't get arrested for drunken and disorderly conduct. It was its own form of a mental challenge. On the field of rugby, the captain is the only player allowed to speak to the referee. I love that responsibility. I always made it a point to know the laws of the game so I could advocate respectfully for my team. Rugby taught me early what soccer would later reinforce that officials deserve respect, not abuse. In rugby, the referee is always addressed as sir and always invited to the post-match drink-up by senior year.
Speaker 1:I was getting burned out. I'd joined the team two weeks into freshman year and hadn't stopped grinding since. Practices four days a week, game days on Saturdays and rugby socials on Fridays when we didn't have matches. My life was rugby Before I graduated. I wanted to slow down and enjoy college a little without the grind. One day I got a message about a referee clinic. I figured that if I ever stopped playing, reffing would be a way to stay connected to the game. I gave it a shot and it felt natural. Having the whistle in my hand felt right.
Speaker 1:By my final semester I stopped playing entirely and started refereeing scrimmages for both the men's and women's teams. I even got a few proper match assignments. When referees canceled last minute. There was no mentoring, no post-match debriefs. I referees cancel last minute. There was no mentoring, no post-match debriefs. I had no clue if what I was doing was any good, but I loved it. I loved trying to keep the game fair. I loved that feeling of being a quiet force on the field, not determining the outcome, just helping the players write their own stories.
Speaker 1:After college I played a few years of men's league, but eventually trying to show up to work in a suit and tie, with a black eye, wasn't a great look. Without my Oswego teammates, the game lost a little bit of its magic. I didn't have any connection to the local refereeing community and I let the whistle sit on the shelf. Fast forward about 12 years later. My son was a ball of energy, obsessed with sports, but soccer had his heart. At age three he was happiest with a ball nearby at his feet or in his hand. I coached him in soccer and basketball at U6 and U8, cherishing every second.
Speaker 1:When we moved abroad, to the Netherlands for a few years, he immediately joined a local soccer club. At U10 in the Netherlands, the referees were parent volunteers. Even though I barely spoke Dutch, I knew the laws, the basic mechanics of referees and enough phrases to get by. Parents were supposed to rotate duties every week, but I found myself volunteering for every single game. I couldn't resist. I just loved it.
Speaker 1:When we finally moved back to the States, my son decided he wanted to become a referee too. At the time, you could get certified at just 10 years old, which seems crazy. Now, when he said he wanted to do it, I decided to get my badge alongside him. By that point he was already playing on a competitive academy team. Once again, just like back in college, if I couldn't be involved on the field as a player or coach, at least I could still be part of the game and, this time, share it with my son. Over the years, we spent thousands of hours together as referees, in the car, on the way to matches, on the pitch, during games and decompressing afterwards on the ride home. Watching him manage games at 11 or 12 years old, sometimes officiating players close to his own age, filled me with awe and admiration. Every time I saw him step onto the field, confident, composed, I could hardly contain the pride bursting inside me. We've seen each other grow into who we are today, learning lessons and communication, resilience, leadership and dealing with difficult people all along the way. As a father, I know that every one of those hours taught him not just how to be a great referee, but how to be successful in life. All thanks to my dad, ps.
Speaker 1:I can't let this chapter go without mentioning my mom. Growing up, she was the creative leader in our family. Music, art and dance was much of her life. She was actually a teacher for both art and dance. She also was the lead singer in a band and acted off-Broadway for many years. I got my start in acting, confidence in public speaking and willingness to put on any costume at any time from her. What she may have lacked in athletic ability, she made up for it with enthusiasm for her craft. She was passionate about the arts and has a strong willingness to do anything for her children. To this day, at 80 years old, she still makes her Halloween costumes and watches every single one of my tiktok videos. It's safe to say this channel wouldn't be nearly as fun if it wasn't for my mother's influence growing up. I hope you guys enjoy that.
Speaker 1:That is chapter one of my book, kind of the beginning journey of becoming a referee, and I've got about seven chapters written right now on my way to, I think, about 10 or 11, and I feel really good about it. I'm just excited to put all the things that I've learned and all the things that I have in my heart that I want to get out there to the referee community but also to all the people who have to interact with referees, kind of captured in this book. Maybe this will be book one. There'll be some other things down the line, but I'm really excited about it. I hope you guys will support me when I do finally get it out, hopefully late this year. So I'm I'm working on, all right. The next thing I want to go over today, guys, is a little bit of a book report. Okay, I know it sounds really real. A book report like seriously, gerson, yes, it's a book report.
Speaker 1:I love reading books and because my job has me on the road to Nashville a couple times a month, I get a good amount of time in the car to be able to listen to audiobooks. And one of the audiobooks that I did this year and I've watched her videos for a long time on social media is Mel Robbins' Let them Theory. And if you have not read this book or you have not gotten the audiobook, man dude, stop what you're doing. Hit pause right now, look it up, get it. She is not a psychologist, okay. She's not a counselor, okay, not a psychotherapist. This woman was a lawyer, she was a criminal defense attorney and she just has this very Midwestern mom, no BS way of talking about relationships and life, you know, and it can really just put things in perspective and gives great stories and analogies, and I love the way she kind of puts things together. It just makes it so simple and so clear, and so I'm going to share with you a bit of my impressions after reading her book and a little insight into the theory, because I think it is really helpful for referees to let them and I'm going to get into that.
Speaker 1:Before I do that, and that's going to be about 10 minutes of the pod, I just want to reaffirm out there again guys, hey, umpiro Shoes. The new season is starting, at least here in Georgia next week. Look at your shoes If they are falling apart and need some love. Man, it is time. Go ahead and get yourself some Umpiros Again. U-m-p-i-r-o. You buy them on Official Sports. Use my code Refs need love too. Gets you 10% off. They are much cheaper than any competitive high-end shoe out there and they are specifically engineered for performance on the pitch.
Speaker 1:For a referee, it is critical. I really always worry about injury these days. I'm 50 years old. I don't want to tear an ACL or an MCL and I don't want to pull a groin muscle, sliding too quickly one way or something like that, or slipping when I'm running down the line as an assistant referee, or slipping on the pitch when I'm trying to stop short as a center. Listen guys, invest. You will not be sad. I mean, I see the messages all the time from people saying they got them, they love them, the most comfortable referee shoe they've ever had. Just do it. It's so much better than cleats, traditional cleats, and you're going to have so much grip, so much more grip than you've ever had for sneakers. So check them out. Support Leland, a fellow referee. Go to officialsportscom, use my code. You will not be sorry.
Speaker 1:Okay, so let's talk about the let them theory and I know that sounds like it's just such a what. Let them Like, let them what? Well, I would say for new referees, just let them yell, Okay. Let them groan, let them whine, okay. This is really, really important. You can't control every sound that happens on the pitch, nor should you try. Okay, there's going to be atmosphere. There's going to be groans, there's going to be cheers, there's going to be, oh, sad things. There's going to be. You know outbursts of emotion. You know people yelling offside. You know when the player who's actually offside is like 20 yards from the ball. You've got coaches questioning meaningless throw-ins in midfield and you're going to get some eye rolls from some nine-year-old kid who thinks they're playing in the Champions League.
Speaker 1:The mindset is let them. You can't control their emotion. And the other thing that's really important is you should not let someone else's emotions dictate your emotions. I always tell this to my kids. It's so important. I've done this forever. I always tell them don't let someone else change how you feel or affect your emotion. You are in control of how you feel or affect your emotion. You are in control of how you feel. Okay, if they're sad and grumpy and they're trying to make you sad, don't let them make you sad. Okay, you stay positive. You stay upbeat. You know who you are. Okay, don't let them take control and hijack your emotions as a referee.
Speaker 1:Let people say stupid things from the sideline, let them misunderstand the laws of the game, let them yell high kick or you can't play the ball on the ground. Just let them do it. Let them be emotional. It's not personal. It's rarely ever about you. It's about their kid. It's about their own lack of understanding of the laws of the game. It might be about their own personal, unresolved understanding of the laws of the game. It might be about their own personal, unresolved issues that they have going on at home. But it's not about you. You're not there to win their approval. You're there to manage the match. You're there to keep everyone safe. You're there to enforce the laws of the game, no matter who groans or whines or anything like that.
Speaker 1:So you, you need to stay calm, you need to stay composed and let that noise happen without letting it get inside your head and affect personally how you feel. But when does let them stop? Right? Because you can let people you know whine and groan and complain and all that kind of stuff. You know, because that's normal. There's normal atmosphere. That happens at a match, you know, especially when you make a call against someone's team. But you need to make sure it stops.
Speaker 1:When it crosses the line, when it gets into dissent okay, whether it's persistent, whether it's public and personal attacks, okay. That's when you go from let them to let me. That's when you step in and utilize your authority as the official of the match, calmly, professionally, you can give a warning. I don't want you, if you're a new referee and you're young, listening to this. I don't want you going to the sideline to give a warning to the parents. I'd like for you to go to the coach and say, coach. Coach, those parents are engaged in public, persistent dissent. Please go tell them to stop, otherwise you will have to dismiss them. That's it. Or if it's a coach, you're engaged in public dissent. Please stop, coach, I've warned you. And then you show your card, the yellow card, for that dissent. Okay, and that's it.
Speaker 1:So you can let them whine and you can let them moan, but once it crosses over into dissent or gosh forbid abuse, then let me take control and let me take action calmly. Again, they're not going to affect my emotions, I'm not going to let them do that, but I am going to step forward and take action. So that's the balance right. There's the let them and then let me. So the words of wisdom here kind of sum that thing up is like don't try and control the crowd, control yourself. You can let them have emotion. You can let there be sound until they cross the line and if you see someone getting close it's a player or something like that you can give them a warning hey, you're starting to get close to descent. Hey, be careful. You can do that. Just be professional. You take control of your emotions. Don't let them turn you into something else.
Speaker 1:Very important Be the person you aspire to important. Be the person you aspire to be the person you want to be, the person you would be proud to be at the end of the match. Now for experienced refs, for my veteran reps out there, you know the feel of a game like pretty early on, even before kind of the first whistle blows. You can just see the level of physicality, the intensity out there. And so this isn't just about parents anymore. You know parents are the worst part of that U8, u10, u12, 10, a world. But once you move into, I think, U13, u14, u15, it's more about the players and certainly the coaches and managing them in high emotional, high stress moments. You know soccer is emotion, it's passion, you know it's just like. You know a lot of people sprinting and getting sweaty emotions are going to rise.
Speaker 1:We talked about this with the anger professor a few weeks ago. Is that as people put out more and more effort, okay, and that physiologically it gets more intense, emotionally it gets more intense too. But when a striker, you know, is running towards goal and they kick the ball and it just goes, they completely scuff it and it goes wide and they get all frustrated and they're like ah, and they scream Let them. Okay, it's not about you, it's not about you when you've. You know, the ball is kind of switching play and a defender comes in for a challenge and they're late and they trip someone down and the defender is frustrated about the call. It's like what? Come on, let them Just let it go, breathe, let them have their moment. Obviously, if they're doing it every single time, that could be something else, but if it's in the moment and it's just a release of that energy, just let it go. You don't have to react to every flash of frustration. In fact, if you react to that frustration, it might escalate it, you might be pouring fuel on the fire. So, give space, show empathy. Use your presence, not your voice, as your tool. You stay calm, you stay cool. Okay, you give them a moment to breathe. Okay, help them out. Okay, that's what you can do Sometimes.
Speaker 1:Players just often want to feel heard, even when they're wrong. Even when they're wrong and you know they're wrong sometimes they're just like oh man, I used my shoulder, I hear you, I hear you. What I saw, man, is that it was a shoulder through the back, okay, or you used a little more force than what was necessary. I understand. I understand, that's my call, that's what I saw. So sometimes just having that little conversation explaining that is all you need to do and they're all good and they can move on. I would tell you sometimes and we heard this earlier from Ismail Elfath, one of the referees, professional MLS refs that we interviewed about a year ago on this podcast you know, sometimes asking a player to take a walk with you for a second or kind of stepping up and asking them to come on over, you know, to you, away from their teammates, just gives them a moment to let off some steam and that can be really helpful.
Speaker 1:Try not to get squared off in their face, face-to-face, like challenging them. Take a neutral stance, neutral posture. You don't want to be smiling flippantly in their face because then they're feeling like you're not empathetic and you don't care about what they're feeling. But again, being empathetic, be like, hey, man, I hear you, totally hear you. Just a little thing like that can go a long way to de-escalating a heated situation.
Speaker 1:Another thing about what we need to be thinking about out there and just expecting that energy and letting them release frustration is when we make a key match decision If there's a play in the penalty area or just outside the penalty area, people think it should have been a penalty or you've called a penalty. You need to expect that people are going to release emotion in that moment. Okay, it is a big deal and it's really important to them. Okay, they are going to be upset. Okay, just let it go. Don't try and control it, just let it go. Move on, move away from the penalty area or the penalty spot a little bit. Give yourself some distance. Now we have the new, only the captain mechanic that we can use to, specifically, we hold our arms up and then straight out in front of us and I'll talk about that in a future video soon where we can get ourselves some space, so we only have to have a conversation with the captain.
Speaker 1:But again, expect that there's going to be emotion there, but don't let their emotion change your emotion. Okay, very important and I mentioned this, you know, earlier, but you know, recognized that as you get later in the match and you know could have been the same foul that happened in the fifth minute. Well, all of a sudden, that foul happens in the 79th minute and then, all of a sudden, players heart rates are rising and their temperatures are boiling over. Because they're physically exhausted, they also become emotionally exhausted. What might've been harmless in the first half is now a reason players want to fight and argue.
Speaker 1:Every single call for the referee after that, okay, let them just telling you, just expect it and just let that emotion just get out. Okay, as much as you possibly can without reacting to it. Yes, deal with it if you need to. If it's affecting you, if they're specifically questioning your credibility and attacking you or they're they're threatening you in terms of, like, how they're walking towards you or yelling, yes, we need to address that. But outside of, just let them boil off that steam. Same thing is going to go for the parents and spectators. They live their game through their children. So as their kids become frustrated and tired, parents will also become frustrated and tired, especially in a tight match.
Speaker 1:Just because you hear volume, atmosphere, emotions from the sideline, it does not mean that it's something you immediately have to try and take control of. Just let them release okay. Same thing for coach. Okay, a coach, you know, like being loud and upset about a call, like in a moment it could feel like dissent, but sometimes it's just the coach processing the match out loud. You don't necessarily need a card emotion, you just need to management if it becomes dissent, okay. So again, are they the questions to ask yourself Are they yelling about something or are they yelling at me? Are they venting or are they attacking? Is this a moment that needs a card, or could a calm glance and a few words and a breath do everything you need to? The let them theory and what this all is is it helps us separate what needs avention from what we can just allow to exist and pass just like a beautiful breeze. Do we need to intervene? Can we do it with calm authority? Coach, I hear you, I've made my decision. Let's move forward. Or you know, hey, coach, I get it, I understand you're upset, but I need you to stop yelling at me or there will be a card for dissent. Okay, whatever it might be it, just again, don't let their emotion affect our emotion and take control of who we are. It's really important, okay. Now the last thing and this is the most important, the most important thing, okay, this is the toughest thing is we've got to. You know, we've let them, we've let me if we need to take action, but there's also let yourself go, let it go.
Speaker 1:Referees are human. We miss things. Maybe you waved off a foul that you later realized you know should have been called. Maybe you showed a yellow card and you know, retrospect, it should have been a red. Maybe you just had a rough day and you think you know you called offside. Well, maybe it wasn't offside, or it was offside and it wasn't offside. Again, just let it go.
Speaker 1:You're not perfect. Expecting yourself to be perfect is completely unrealistic. No one's perfect. The most important thing is that we learn, we learn and we move forward. We learn and we move forward. Don't dwell on the past. It's so important, just let it go. So again, all that to say for you guys that I just want you to make sure that you don't carry the things that happen into the next game. Don't let it become like this thing that all the suburban moms are wearing, like an emotional, weighted vest that you carry on your daily walks. The best referees are the ones who can say, yeah, I might've missed that one, and they move forward with confidence. Self-compassion is the referee's superpower, so important.
Speaker 1:All right, guys, I hope you enjoyed that. I really really do encourage you to check out the Let them Theory book by Mel Robbins. Again, I wouldn't recommend it if I didn't think it was really powerful. Just every little match, you know it's a tool for strength. It's about holding your center when everything is swirling around you. Let the noise exist, let the emotions flow, let the critics talk, let the stress come, but then let it go. You've got this. You belong out there. I believe in you.
Speaker 1:All right, guys? Well, I hope you enjoyed this week's podcast of refs. Need love too. Again, as I always try and tell you, please help me keep this channel going, help me make it worthwhile to spend all my time doing this and support the rest. Need love to store. Additionally, I would tell you guys hey, the beginning of season's coming up. If you want me to speak, you know you want me to do a webinar for your referees in your area or for parents and coaches and stuff like that. I do that almost every single week. We'll work out a deal and whatnot. People pay me a little bit of money and I spend my time. I develop a presentation specifically for you and then I can really deliver the message. Sometimes, having an outsider come in who's known and a little bit well-known in this circle right now is really, really helpful. So please support the channel, support me. I appreciate you, and may your next match be red card free. We'll see you next time.