Supporting a Partner with Depression: Coping Strategies for Caregivers

In this episode of Giving Voice to Depression, Gwen shares her lived experience of supporting her husband and children while navigating the challenges depression brings into a family home. She discusses the importance of ground rules, open communication, and small acts of kindness that help maintain connection during hard times. Gwen also emphasizes self-care for caregivers, the value of finding supportive friends, and accessing resources to prevent burnout. Her story offers hope, practical strategies, and encouragement for anyone caring for a loved one with depression.

Link to Families for Depression Awareness website/resources:

https://www.familyaware.org/

Primary Topics Covered

• The emotional impact of depression on partners and families
• Establishing ground rules for communication and household responsibilities
• Early intervention: recognizing and addressing warning signs of depression
• Maintaining connection through small acts of kindness
• Balancing family life when a partner is struggling
• The importance of self-care and finding a support system
• Available resources for caregivers of people with depression

Timestamps

00:00 Intro to the podcast and mission
 01:42 Depression’s impact on caregivers and loved ones
 02:08 The cairn metaphor: leaving markers for others on the path
 03:26 Introducing Gwen and her family’s story
 04:02 Finding joy and humor in daily life despite depression
 04:39 Creating ground rules for communication and support
 05:52 Recognizing early warning signs and taking action
 06:34 Balancing responsibilities and avoiding total withdrawal
 08:13 Careful communication: word choice and timing
 10:15 Small acts of kindness to maintain connection
 11:45 Allowing family life to continue when a partner opts out
 12:57 Explaining absence to children and friends
 15:19 Remembering the person you fell in love with
 16:12 The importance of caregiver self-care and support networks
 18:41 Being honest with trusted friends about struggles
 20:22 Accessing resources and finding creative support solutions
 22:24 Key takeaways: remembering your partner before depression and finding core people
 26:24 Resources for caregivers and support organizations
 27:53 Closing reflections and encouragement to seek support

Explore mental health and addiction treatment options at recovery.com
Facebook Community: https://www.facebook.com/GivingVoiceToDepression/
Terry's LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/givingvoicetodepression/

Transcript

Terry: Hello and welcome to the Giving Voice to Depression podcast brought to you by Recovery.com. Each week we profile a guest who shares intimate details of their mental health journey. They share because they understand that when people don't talk about their depression or other mental health conditions, those of us who struggle with them can feel like we're the only ones, that there's something wrong with us. Instead of understanding that we have a common and treatable illness. I'm Terry, the creator and co-host of this podcast. 

Anita: And I'm Dr. Anita Sanz, a licensed clinical psychologist with more than 25 years in clinical practice. I know from both personal and professional experience how significantly mental health and other disorders can impact not just our lives, but those around us as well. By speaking openly and with the wisdom of lived experience, we help normalize conversations that are often avoided due to shame or stigma. Our episodes are honest and real, and we keep them hopeful because there truly is hope, despite what depression tells you. 

Terry: This podcast is brought to you by Recovery.com, whose mission is to help each person find the best path to recovery through a comprehensive, helpful network of treatment providers for both mental health and addiction treatment worldwide. This episode was originally produced with sponsorship from the AB Korkor Foundation for Mental Health. 

Anita: We record a couple of new interviews each month, and we also replaced some older ones so that our newer listeners don't miss out on some of our best ones. 

Terry: Hello, Anita. 

Anita: Hi, Terry. This is the third of a three- part series this month focusing on the caregivers who support people in their life with depression. We want to acknowledge that depression doesn't only cause harm and stress for the person who's experiencing it. It's also going to have at least some kind of an impact on anybody who cares about or loves them, particularly the ones who are around them the most often. 

Terry: And as I was putting this episode together, the image Anita, that kept coming to my mind was that of a cairn. If you're not familiar with that word, picture a pile of rocks intentionally stacked and left along a path or hiking trail as a marker. It not only helps the people who left them have confidence that they're on the correct return path, but it reassures and guides anyone who may be on the trail behind them that this is in fact the way someone else on the trek took. 

Anita: I love that image. (Me too.) And that is our intention with our podcast. Each weekly guest shares details of their mental health journey and sort of marks a path. And even if you chose or need a different route, there's some comfort in knowing that others have passed this way and conquered the obstacle course and that they care enough to try to help you manage yours. Last week we introduced you to Gwen, who is willing to share some of the details of her life supporting her husband and their two teens who've also experienced depression. She was answering questions from another wife and mother who is struggling, lonely and looking to tap into the wisdom of someone who has found ways to both care for a hurting partner and create a manageable life together for their family. 

Terry: Last week, Gwen addressed some of the specific questions and challenges that Margaret had asked support for. Today, she shares some of the strategies and practices that help her family and home function in spite of the mental health challenges also under the roof. So here again is Gwen giving her voice to depression. 

Terry: Maintaining hope with depression can require intentionally looking for the glimmers in life, the small moments of joy that bring light. 

Gwen: And even on the toughest days, there's always something good that happens. Like even when things are kind of low to the ground, you can have a funny moment. We have the two crazy dogs and they help with humor, but it can just be watching a funny show or, you know, making a joke about something, trying not to take things so seriously. Like some days you just have to find the little bits of joy that you can to get through the day. 

Terry: In addition to looking for light in the darkness, Gwen says her familiy's also had to agree on a number of what she calls "ground rules" to keep the household machine running. 

Gwen: There's a lot around communication. We've had really serious conversations over the years. And these are easier to have when things aren't really, really tough. Like when things are good, you have to have these conversations, which is what are ground rules that we agree to. So, before coming on to talk with you, I talked with my husband about are you comfortable with me sharing all these things? And he and I agreed together as we discussed everything that he knows that I'm the early warning system, that I'm going to be the one who's going to say to him, I can see some signs of depression creeping in. You are sleeping more. You are, you know, gaming more. You're kind of withdrawing from me. I can tell that you're a little more short tempered, a little more irritable. Things are not normal right now. And maybe you don't realize it, but I think you should be seeing your therapist more often. And he and I agreed early in our marriage that that was okay. That he needed to be receptive to that if I was going to bring it up, because otherwise it was just going to slip farther and farther down. 

Terry: And how early do you do that? 

Gwen: I you know, like everybody has a day when they feel crummy and they might have a couple of days. If it goes on for a week or two and I'm not seeing it get better. I'm seeing it get worse, then I will say, like, I just want you to be aware this is what I'm seeing. And you can't deal with any judgment. It's just this is what I'm observing. And I'm concerned. I'm concerned about where things are heading. Because it's it's way harder to catch it if you wait a month. Or two. 

Terry: Yes. It can be harder to catch, you know, a week or 2 in, too, it just depends on how fast it's escalating. Yes. So tell me more ground rules. This is helpful. 

Gwen: So another thing that we do is I can't let him just opt out of things entirely. It's not fair, especially when you have kids and you're trying to do things. So, we always look at things like, well, you can't do everything I want you to do, but what can you do? Or you can't do everything the household and the kids need today. What could you do? So, for example, he maybe isn't going to be able to mow the lawn. That's too much energy. But he could lay in bed with the kids and read them a story at night. And so we did a lot of trading off when the kids were little of of different things depending on where his energy was and what he was able to do on a given day. But it does put a lot of pressure on the other partner to be really flexible. But I wasn't I had to like make sure that he was still active and involved with the kids. And so we had to find the things that he could do that were easy. Like driving the kids to school or picking the kids up at school was easier than some of the other things that you might have to do, like taking them out to go shopping for school clothes or something like that. So we really looked for opportunities like that, and that was kind of an agreement too, as you can't just go in your room and shut the door and sleep like you have, like this is going to have to happen somehow. So what can you do? 

Terry: Understanding depression and how it affects her partner has taught Gwen that when having those serious conversations, she's got to be really mindful of both her word choice and timing. 

Gwen: It can be tricky to open up the conversations, too. So part of what I have tried to do over the years is kind of have some very careful — I'm careful about what I say so that it doesn't create this defensive reaction. And so, you know, so typical advice don't ever say always or never, you know, kind of try to point out something in a way that will be more likely to be heard. So if it's something like I can see this is a really tough week for you, but we have a lot going on with the kids this week. Can we go over what's on the schedule so that we can find some things you can help with, you know, that you can take that are reasonable given how much energy you have this week. So that it's just kind of an expectation that, yes, you need to pick something up without judging or making them feel bad that they can't do as much as they would like to do or would normally want to do. You know, those kinds of things. And I think I also was careful. I'm always careful to think about the timing. So my husband is not a morning person. I am a morning person. So by the time he gets up, especially when he's feeling more depressed, he'll come out into the kitchen and I'll have already had three cups of coffee and be ready to just go into the whole day. Like, here's what we're going to do. And this is, you know, are you ready? And do you remember that I need you to do this. So I've learned to wait a couple hours in to the day or to do it like in the evening, around dinner time or whenever. Or if we go take the dogs for a walk or we're doing something ... we're in the car driving somewhere or something that doesn't feel so like I'm shining a bright spotlight in his eyes and saying, What are you doing for me today? So I think that's been helpful. 

Terry: Also helpful is a practice of doing small acts of kindness for each other every day with the intention of reinforcing the connection that we all know depression can erode. 

Gwen: They're just little things that we've agreed are part of our kind of commitment to each other. So that on the days when you feel like you want to kill them because you're so frustrated that you have like a little niceness, a little kindness in the day, a little. It doesn't have to be romance, but it can be like pouring someone a cup of coffee or it can be meeting at the door when they come home. Or it can be just, you know, my husband will — when we're sitting on the couch watching TV at night — he'll rub my shoulders because I get tense from sitting at the computer all day. And and those are things that I have made an effort to say thank you for and make sure he knows I appreciate so that we we have a little bit of connection even on the times where we're where I'm feeling really frustrated because it can be really hard to find to find the love on those days. 

Terry: Yes. And I would think it's almost like a secret language. You know, it's it's like I can't be there in all the ways I would like to be or that you would like me to be. But I can do this just like a secret handshake almost, to remind you that even now, I still love you, even though I can't show it. That would be a comfort. 

Gwen: Yeah, exactly. So we have little, little things that we do that are like that that we have talked about that are kind of part of how we stay connected on those days when it's tougher. But it can, you know, it can feel very ... you can feel very alone. 

Terry: And sometimes when a partner is really in it, you are alone, literally. But that doesn't mean yours or the rest of the families activities have to stop. Another ground rule makes sure they don't have to. 

Gwen: Early on we realized that there were just going to be things I was going to do without him, and he needs to be okay with that because I wasn't I couldn't always stay home because he wasn't up for something. So I would often go to things by myself or take the kids without him to things that in a perfect day he would have enjoyed going to. And he felt badly that he missed some of those things. But we agreed together. That was another ground rule that we couldn't let his depression keep the whole family from enjoying life, that we needed to make sure that we had those experiences. It was hard sometimes to have them without him, but it was better than us all staying home and kind of missing out. 

Terry: And how would you explain that to the kids? You say Dad just can't today? Or is there some language that you all understand? I mean, with your kids also experiencing depression, I assume they're maybe a little more understanding than somebody who doesn't. 

Gwen: Yeah, when they were little, it was before that had happened. So I think I think they questioned it and so did our friends and family question it. So I think it would depend on kind of the, the age of the kids and the people that we were seeing and how close in they were. So I think for some people, it was just, you know, he's not feeling great today, so he's not going to make it. That was all I would say. To the kids, I might say, he wishes he could be with us today, but he's really not feeling well, so I think it's better if he stays home this time and he can hopefully come with us next time. For people who knew more about what was going on, I could just say, you know, you know that he struggles with depression. This is a particularly tough week for him — or month or day or whatever. And he's not, you know, going to be able to make it. But the other thing that I would often do is circle around and really reinforce with those friends like, thank you so much for inviting us. Please keep inviting us. Just because we say no a lot, please don't think that we don't want to be with you and, you know, continue to include us because we will make it whenever we can. And that is a tough thing because people will start to just cut you out if you don't show up. And so that was something that I realized pretty early on, like, ooh, we better be really vocal about this so people understand it's not that we're just blowing you off, it's that we really have something serious going on here and don't don't stop asking us. 

Terry: I want to be asked, but I'm not coming. Yes.

Gwen: Yes, yes. We wish we could be there every single time, but please keep asking. 

Terry: It sounds like you have to really think about everything. You know, be very, very careful about what you say. Probably what you don't say, how you say it, and I assume that gets easier with practice. But we're also people. And, you know, sometimes it's like, oh for God's sake, get out of bed. You know, how do you do what you do? And it sounds like, really artfully. 

Gwen: Well, I'm a communicator professionally, so that helps. Like that is part of my job is to be able to come up with the right words. So that does help. But I think a lot of it is just practice and a lot of it is taking a breath and remembering that the person that I fell in love with, the person that I married, the person that I want to build my life with, is still in there. Even on the days where he's harder to find. 

Terry: We've got to repeat that for anyone else who needs to hear it again. Take a breath and remember that the person you fell in love with, the person you married, the person you want to build your life with, is still in there — even on the days when they're harder to find. An easily lost part of the care equation can be finding or showing a similar level of empathy, love and grace to ourselves as caregivers. 

Gwen: I think the other thing is you got to find your people that are going to take care of you. So I found a support group for moms of kids who had depression and severe kind of emotional things when my son was younger. And it's interesting because I ended up being very helpful for my relationship with my husband as well. And the first night we all got together, the woman who hosted it and brought us all together, made tea for all of us and put it in these beautiful little China cups. And she had little cookies and she just, like, poured the tea for us all. And I think people, especially moms who have a depressed husband, just don't get taken care of very much. And it's really hard. And so not everybody has money to go to a spa or get their nails done or things like that. But if you can find people who kind of buoy you, make you feel better, take care of you, you know, are kind to you and generous. And that could be a therapist that listens to you. Or it could be a friend or people at your church or wherever you find that support. I have two close friends I walk with every Thursday morning. And like that hour in the morning before I go to work is one of the best hours of my week because it's just about us feeling good and being together. And we don't tend to talk about heavy things. We tend to talk about books where we wish we could read or shows or watching or whatever. I think finding that support somewhere is really, really important, and it's okay to leave the husband to deal with things, to go and be with the people that lift you up and keep you standing so you can keep the family going. Like that's another thing that we've kind of come to like tonight I'm going out to dinner with some girlfriends and like, they might eat cereal for dinner. It doesn't really matter. Like, it's just the reality of that's something that you have to prioritize more than most people because you're not necessarily getting as much support at home and you're probably running on empty most of the time. So it's just it's so important. And it's not just like, I'm going to go have a fun social night. It's like you're. You're filling up your bank. 

Terry: And there's an aspect of having to be honest about what is happening in order for them to be able to put you up. It's, you know, for pretending everything's fine, they don't have that opportunity. And I understand stigma, and I understand you don't want to get heavy all the time, but, I mean, it'd be nice to be able to say when someone says, How are you doing? Say it just sucks right now it's so hard. I'm just hurting. I'm sad I am empty and have somebody just give you a hug and, you know, give you whatever two, three, five, ten minutes to just bleh — get it out — and then say, okay, you know, now let's not talk about this because I prefer a little bit of time where my mind isn't focused on it. But that doesn't happen unless we make it happen, because nobody's really going to ask because nobody wants to hear anything other than fine most of the time except your therapist. 

Gwen: Yeah, I have a very short I have a very short list of trusted friends where that is exactly how it works. And we all can kind of share those things with each other and be supported. And you kind of find over over time that you weed out the people that are judgy and that you feel like you can't be open with. So because it's just life is short. Like if you if you're dealing with the kind of life that that you know, we're talking about here, you don't you don't have friends just to have friends or just to be out in certain social circles or whatever. You you kind of find your core people and you you stick with them. 

Terry: In addition to hopefully finding our core people, it can also be really helpful to be aware of and access available resources. 

Gwen: I would love to point people to the resources that Families for Depression Awareness offers to caregivers so their website is familyaware.org and they have lots of educational information about depression and in particular how to care for others in your lives, loved ones that have depression. And then I also think, you know, just finding some support, whether you join a babysitting co-op and you can have somebody take your kids sometimes for you, like getting creative to find ways to have time to yourself or to have time where you're alone with your spouse so that you're not always in like it's like combat mode is what it feels like sometimes. Like you're just trying to get through the day, get through the day, but to try to create some space where you can just hang out and maybe you just lay in the couch and watch a movie, but that you're spending some time together where it's not so — it's not so loaded and charged with what they're not doing or what they're not able to do. But you can just have fun at face value for what you're doing together in that moment. But you kind of have to have a place to – you need someone to take your kids off your hands every once in a while. And if you can't afford a babysitter, you might have to get creative. But I definitely encourage people to to spend time together doing whatever they're able to do at that time. Like, it can be super simple, but just to to bond and spend time together and likewise with your kids to do some things that are fun. And instead of feeling like you're always on the hamster wheel of stuff you have to get done, and it's okay to have a messy house and to not eat, you know, fancy dinners and to not go to every parent activity at school and, like, to just let all that go because your family is just not in a place where they can do all of the things. You have to pick the things that you really care about and not try to do everything. 

Anita: So, Terry, there was so much good information in this. But the two things that really kind of popped out at me that I think are important to emphasize. One was that whole time that she was talking about remember who your partner was before the Depression. 

Terry: Yes. 

Anita: You know, and try to keep that image in your mind alive. Use that as your guide for how you gently, respectfully, you know, firmly need to, you know, to bring up tough conversations because it's going to be hard sometimes when you're really, really depressed to to look like that same person to anybody. So I love that. I mean, to me, that is, again, one of those wonderful ways that we keep a relationship going in hard times. No matter how you're being — your partners being, is like go back to when they were at their, you know, at their best. 

Terry: And not only that, that person you love and chose to be with and choose to be with is in there, but that they're not choosing to feel and behave the way they do. I mean, I understand that we have some choices in how we react to the depression, but having it usually is not our choice. And so I really like both of those things being just brought up because, as you say, it's hard to remember that you're like oh, my gosh, stop it, you know, or start it, you know, whatever, whatever you might be needing. But yeah, it was beautiful. And it's nice to hear someone speak lovingly of a partner with depression because it's easy to speak with frustration. 

Anita: Yes. Yes. That's why I really I really love that that suggestion. And the other thing that I think really stood out for me was when she said, you really have to find your core people. You know, the people that you don't have to pretend around that you can be honest with that when you need that support or that understanding that you can't do certain things or you need to modify expectations that they somehow don't then just desert you. And it does take time to find those people who, you know, will kind of stick with you through, you know, good times and bad times. But I think that that's essential that you don't isolate yourself from the support of other people. You don't try to keep a facade, you know, up that everything is fine, that you can be honest, at least, again — with that core group of people about what's really happening and what you need in terms of support. 

Terry: You may find it easier to find people who understand if they're also living with some sort of a mental health challenge or someone who is, because maybe you can't really understand it, maybe, you know, can't be judgmental, go, you don't understand. Because how could they? They're not experiencing it. And the friends in my world, you know who I can say when they ask, how are you? You know who I don't say fine or just tired, too, you know, and I'm like, wow, I don't I don't know what's going on right now. And I hope that I'm not getting you know, if I get any closer to the slippery part, I'm going to have to do something. You — I can't say that to most of the people in my life, so it may help to find other people and that might be online and that might be in a support group or that might be, you know, in a therapist's office or, you know, a group therapy situation. But it might be easier to get that support from somebody who has lived it. 

Anita: And now that we have Gwen willing to share this experience and it will be, you know, on on the podcast forever, that might be something that you could you could link to, you know, in a text or an email to a friend to say thank you for being part of my core group. 

Gwen: I like that. 

Anita: And let them listen to it, which again, would give somebody an even better understanding of how, you know, what what a person is going through. If they're managing depression in their household as well as how to be supportive. So I think, you know, again, the more information that we get out to others about this is really what it's like. And this is what I really need when it's like this. I think people could step up and do a better and better job of supporting those people. 

Terry: That's a great idea. We will link that way and we will also link — good segue, Anita — to resources available online from really good organizations like Families for Depression Awareness, Mental Health America, Anxiety and Depression Association of America. And they have specific links to support for caregivers, or that's the function and the focus of their organization. So there are resources out there and we encourage you to access them because as you heard in the first of these three episodes with Margaret, it is isolating and hard and it can really put you in a bad place yourself, caring deeply for somebody with depression. And then then both of you are in pretty bad places and it's really hard to do something constructive and healthy from from that depleted space. 

Anita: Yeah. Anything we can do to support caregivers so that they take good care of themselves while they're also trying to take care of others and that we just do the best job we can. If we know someone in that situation, to support them while they're dealing with it — that's what we're working for. 

Terry: All right. So thank you to Margaret for her initial outreach. And thank you to Gwen for coming to us and to her with some answers and suggestions and advice and things that have worked for you, because that's how we learn. 

Anita: We truly hope that our podcast brings a little more understanding, helps you better articulate and reflect on your own experience with depression, or better understand how to support someone else who is struggling. 

Terry: If this episode has been of comfort or value to you know that there are hundreds of others like it in our archive, which you can easily find at our website givingvoicetodepression.com. And remember if you are struggling, speak up. Even if it's hard. If someone else is struggling, take the time to listen.