Eyewitness to Therapy
I am a Gestalt psychologist and therapist. In this podcast, I conduct real-life therapy sessions with individuals who volunteer to experience a taste of Gestalt therapy. The purpose of Gestalt therapy is to transform your experience of living, helping you to clear up the situations and emotions you are currently dealing with.
Eyewitness to Therapy
Transforming Pain into Potential
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Struggling with feelings of inadequacy, Shelby from Albuquerque, New Mexico, opens up about her journey through trauma and the challenges it has imposed on her daily life. As she bravely recounts her battles with ambition, procrastination, and depression, listeners are drawn into a poignant narrative of resilience and hope. Shelby shares how simple joys like her dog's companionship and engaging in small actions have become lifelines in her ongoing pursuit of a healthier, more fulfilling existence.
The episode delves into Shelby’s past, shedding light on a childhood scarred by abuse and a mentally ill mother whose harsh words left deep emotional wounds. These experiences have shaped Shelby's self-perception, making it difficult for her to recognize her self-worth despite achievements in her adult life. Through her candid storytelling, we explore how these early life events have reinforced feelings of unworthiness and how they continue to affect her motivation and belief in her own potential.
Listeners are invited to reflect on the power of intention and affirmation as tools for overcoming negative self-beliefs and cultivating a joyful life. By encouraging the release of entrenched thoughts that undermine self-worth, the conversation offers a pathway to personal growth and transformation. The episode aims to inspire anyone who has felt trapped by their past to embrace new possibilities for happiness and love, underscoring the message that change is indeed possible, starting with the mind.
Hello and welcome to Eyewitness to Therapy, the one-of-a-kind podcast that focuses on a real-life therapy situation. I'm your host, court Curtis, psychologist and therapist, passionate about bringing you into an immersive experience of self-awareness through therapy. In each episode, we dive deep into the struggles our guests face and guide them on a journey of self-discovery and resolution. As your dedicated therapist, my purpose is to create a safe space where you can openly share and address your issues. We'll explore the power of the present moment in resolving your concerns, knowing that the past is completely over and the future is never yet. The past is completely over and the future is never yet. The key to healing lies in awareness, in being witness to your consciousness, and that's precisely what we'll uncover together in every episode of Eyewitness to Therapy. So join us as we navigate the transformative power of therapy and self-awareness. Welcome to another episode of Eyewitness to Therapy. Every individual that I interview in this podcast has volunteered to participate in a one-time therapy session, and so I'm happy to welcome a new guest today. This is the first time we have ever met, so I know virtually nothing about this person other than from a very brief questionnaire that they filled out prior to this meeting. Every guest's identity is anonymous. All therapy is centered around the guest's issues and goals. Whatever they bring forth into the session becomes the focus of our conversation, and my goal is to be helpful in the best way I can.
Speaker 1Gestalt therapy is all about living in the moment, and that is exactly where we start each session. I ask my guests to take a moment and allow a word or short phrase to bubble up in consciousness that simply names their here and now experience, and then I have them expound on that word, what that word says of them, about them or about anything. And then I ask that they declare an intention for the session. An intention can be anything, such as what they hope to gain from the session or want help with. Declaring an intention from the outset helps frame our conversation and also serves to create a purpose and goal for our session.
Speaker 1And then, lastly, we end each session the way we begin, with just a word that names their here and now experience as we come to the close of our conversation, as well as a few words about how they feel about our session. Is there a takeaway, an insight or realization that they gained from our meeting together? That's the question. So come along with us as we step into this journey of exploration. Where the conversation goes, nobody knows. But that's also the excitement of therapy, a step into the unknown of possibilities. So, without further ado, let's welcome our new guest.
Speaker 2How are you?
Speaker 1Hi, I'm well, thank you.
Speaker 2Good.
Speaker 1You like to go by Shelby?
Speaker 2Yes.
Speaker 1Okay, all right, so welcome Shelby.
Speaker 2Thank you.
Speaker 1Welcome to our conversation today. So you're in New Mexico, right?
Speaker 2Yes.
Speaker 1What city I'm in Albuquerque Albuquerque Okay, yeah, very nice. Okay, I'm in Albuquerque in the questionnaire that you submitted. So what's the purpose of our meeting here today is to create a space here for you to bring forth anything that you would like to bring forth in terms of something you might want to focus on or address in our conversation together, and so my job is to be as helpful as I can with whatever you bring forth. Okay, and so this is how to be as helpful as I can with whatever you bring forth.
Speaker 2Okay.
Speaker 1And so this is how we start each meeting. It's actually what I would invite you to do is to take a moment to reflect on yourself, your life, your situation, the issues that you're struggling with, perhaps your thoughts and your feelings, and then speak just one word or series of one words that simply name something in each of these areas. What is my intention for our meeting today? An intention can be anything something you might want to gain or hope to gain, something you might want to address or work on. Whatever your intention is for our conversation is what our intention is, so we can go in whatever direction you desire our conversation to go. So let's begin with a word or series of one words that name something in your life ambition, procrastination, trauma, happiness yes, that's about it for right now.
Speaker 1Okay, perfect, yeah. So that little exercise is just taking a snapshot of your consciousness, what's dominant in your consciousness, and so look and see. So what is my intention? What do I hope to gain from our meeting here today?
Speaker 2Yeah, maybe just to share a little bit about myself and maybe get your feedback and maybe I can come away with this a little bit better person and I can change at least one small thing in my life, because it starts out small but I can make it bigger and bigger as I get healthier. That's about it.
Speaker 1Okay, a small change that might have an impact on your life some way. That's great. Have an impact on your life in some way, that's great. You brought up a few words there. Would you like to expound on any of those words that stand out for you? Feel free to express whatever any of those words say of you, about you or about anything, and then we can go from there.
Speaker 2I've had such terrible trauma in my life that my depression at times overwhelms me and I end up maybe I'll go to work, maybe I'll miss a day, maybe I'll make the whole day and do really good, but then when I get home I'm'm stuck. I don't get my chores done, things like that, you know. So I'm a little bit stuck right now okay, so a feeling of stuckness then yeah so your stuckness.
Speaker 1So you're talking about when you I I mean you go about your day, but when you come home you don't do certain things that you want to do or expect to do. So what do you do when you're not doing the things that you expect yourself to do?
Speaker 2Disassociating staring at a TV and not really watching it or maybe playing a game on my phone. I do have a dog and I walk her and stuff like that. I take care of her, but as far as maybe I need to do the dishes and I don't do the dishes, things like that.
Speaker 1So you're not doing the things that you think or feel that you should be doing and you're doing these other things, like watching TV or looking at your phone or something. Okay, yeah, and so well, when you say you're not doing the things that you feel you should do, do you eventually do those things?
Speaker 2I might do a little bit at a time eventually, and sometimes I just don't get to it for a whole week or something, and then I get down on myself for that okay which just starts a vicious circle.
Speaker 1Okay, I'm curious. So is there anything outstanding that you're putting off? Let's say, doing that stands out for you as we speak?
Speaker 2Before I got the job I have, I used to collect and sell sports memorabilia. I have all this sports memorabilia around here that I haven't sold in. I don't know how long it just sits there now and I really need to sell it and it would be good for me financially. But it also would be good for me to declutter my space because it's not helping me at all.
Recounting Childhood Abuse and Self-Worth
Speaker 1Okay, yeah, so your space is cluttered with stuff you feel you want or need to clear out and you're not doing that. What are you aware of that prevents you from doing these things? Any things that you're aware of?
Speaker 2I don't know, I get home and I'm like, oh, I'm just too tired doing these things, any things that you're aware of. I don't know, I get home and I'm like, oh, I'm just too tired, but I know that I could get up and do something, but I don't.
Speaker 1I'm wondering are you aware of what stops you when you say you don't, you don't do these things? Are you aware of what stops you? What's your thinking process? Let's say that serves to stop you from doing these things?
Speaker 2I'm not really sure. Sometimes I think it's self-sabotage a little.
Speaker 1Okay, so you're aware of that that maybe I don't deserve something you think?
Speaker 2or feel sometimes.
Speaker 1I don't deserve something yeah or feel sometimes I don't deserve something. Yeah, okay, I'm curious about that. So maybe fill in the blank what you say you don't deserve. I don't deserve. Fill in the blank.
Speaker 2A better life.
Speaker 1A better life. Okay, I don't deserve a better life. Go ahead, anything else.
Speaker 2Good relationships I don't deserve a better life. Go ahead, anything else. Good relationships I tend to just stick to myself a lot. That's not really good mentally for me to never get out or do things. I just go to work and come home and that's about it. You say I don't deserve a better life. No.
Speaker 1I'm curious about that how long have you felt that you don't deserve a better life?
Speaker 2Ever since I was a kid.
Speaker 1Ever since you were a kid. So this thought I don't deserve a better life has its origins in being a kid, or your childhood.
Speaker 2Could you go back there for a moment?
Speaker 1What stands out for you about your past that came to you feeling that I don't deserve a better life?
Speaker 2I had a horrible childhood.
Speaker 1Could you share one thing that was horrible yeah.
Speaker 2I was horrible. Yeah, I was abused really bad physically, but the worst part that stays with me is mentally, like I got scars from the physical stuff but mentally like scars are scars. You know you can get over that, but mentally was awful.
Speaker 1Okay, so you experienced a lot of abuse.
Speaker 2Yeah.
Speaker 1I'm curious about that. What characterized some of the abuse you experienced, if you could share from whom and who was the person or parent that abused you the most.
Speaker 2It was my mom and she was very mentally ill. She was at the time they didn't call it schizoaffective, it was bipolar with psychotic features, and she was unmedicated and never went to the doctor. She was a stay-at-home mom and like there would be times where she would just shut herself in her room and we wouldn't see her and then all of a sudden, when she came out, it was horrible. Like it was like I felt like she hated me. One day she told me, when I held you in my arms for the first time, I felt nothing. That was like the foundation of my whole childhood and my two brothers. They were treated a lot better. And then she had the excuse that it was because I was a girl and I needed to do all the chores. And I needed to. I was five years old, doing the family's laundry. Come on, five years old, like I wouldn't. If I had a kid, I wouldn't expect them to do laundry at five and things like that, but when, it was always stupid.
Speaker 1That you would hear from her.
Speaker 2Yeah.
Speaker 1You're stupid.
Speaker 2I was stupid. Or finally, when I was a teenager and I was proud of the fact that I bought my first pair of jeans, she said oh, that makes your butt look big, and I was probably a size zero at the time and it just nothing was ever good enough. And if I told her I loved her which I did, I loved her even though she was abusive, because she was my mom and so I was like she's my mom, I love her she would say no, you don't love me, you know. And then she'd beat me or whatever, because I missed a crumb in the corner of the room or something Stuff like that.
Speaker 1Gotcha.
Speaker 2Unfortunately, the things that stick with me are not the compliments I've received in my life. It's the criticisms, which are really hard to forget.
Speaker 1Yeah.
Speaker 2Yeah.
Speaker 1Could you highlight I mean, you're sharing it already here a little bit here. Could you highlight the main criticism that you received from your mother in terms of the messages that she sent you or gave you? I'm no good she would say things like that You're no good.
Speaker 2Yeah, I'm not worth anything.
Speaker 1You're not worth anything. You're no good. You're not worth anything.
Speaker 2Okay, but mostly I'm stupid.
Speaker 1You're stupid.
Speaker 2And then I'd go to school and I'd receive all these awards for doing really well, and it just was oh, go put that in your room. I don't want to see that.
Speaker 1Wow.
Speaker 2Yeah, and it was like, finally I have an accomplishment and I just wanted her to be proud of me for a little thing, little things or something, but that just never came at all.
Speaker 2Not until I was past my thirties, I would say. And then she was like I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry I was terrible to you when you were a kid and look at all the stuff you accomplished, but it, I don't know, like it didn't. I don't by that point Because it felt like when I was a kid, especially like her pounding a nail You're stupid, You're not worth anything, constantly.
Speaker 1Right.
Speaker 2When I grew up thinking that I was stupid. And then somebody took my IQ test and she's like you could be in Mensa. You're not stupid at all. But again, it didn't matter, because I just wanted my mom to be proud of me.
Speaker 1Gotcha, gotcha. So when she came to you in your 30s and said those things to you, that was too little, too late, kind of thing.
Speaker 2Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1Yeah, what you needed was this from her as a young child.
Speaker 2Yeah.
Speaker 1Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Ok, all right. So these are the messages that she gave you. Yeah, basically, you're stupid, you don't matter, and what else? Well, you're not worth anything, you're not worth anything and you're not worth anything. So you heard those words on more than one or two occasions.
Speaker 2Yeah, I heard them.
Speaker 1Constantly okay.
Speaker 2Yeah, all right.
Speaker 1And what you missed or wanted from your mother that sounds like she never gave was just for her to be proud of you.
Speaker 2Yeah, no hugs, no kisses, no, nothing Like oh, it's thundering and you're scared because it's thundering as the kid. Stop crying or I'll give you something to cry about. Not, oh, it's going to be okay. Not, oh, it's going to be okay. It was never, it's going to be okay.
Speaker 1Never going to be okay, you know, gotcha.
Speaker 2Yeah.
Speaker 1Yeah, okay, well, you're sharing a lot there. Can you go back to a specific time and age that you were, where you experienced these kinds of things from your mother, like how, if you go back to a certain time and place, like where were you, how old were you, what did she actually say and what did she actually do in a certain moment?
Speaker 2yeah, yeah, I was. I was nine years old, it was fourth grade.
Speaker 1Okay, let me just interrupt you To go on with this kind of little technique. To go back to that time. Describe that time in present tense, if you would. So how old am I in that scene?
Speaker 2Nine.
Speaker 1Okay. So I'm nine years old, like where am I? What happens? What does she say? What happens? Go ahead.
Speaker 2Yeah, and I remember I was vacuuming. Okay, I am vacuuming, and I look and I see that the vacuum isn't picking up anything. Uh, there's something wrong with it. And then I smell something like rubber burning. And so I told, I tell my mom, and my mom looks at me and she says to me what are you, what do you think? You know how to vacuum, just fix it. You're just, you're being stupid, you're not thinking Take the vacuum apart and fix it.
Speaker 2And I was like, or I'm like, I'm nine years old, but of course I say this in my head, I don't say this to my mom out loud and so I proceed and I'm sitting on the floor and I have the vacuum, like lying down, and the bottom is facing me and I see the little rubber hose on the bottom is broken. I see that that might be what is wrong. I don't know, because I'm not an expert on vacuums at the age of nine. So I better figure out how this operates so I can take the broken one out and put a new one in. So I go and I, we happen to have a new one. And so I go and I, I'm getting the new one and I'm trying to put the new one on and it just I couldn't pull it hard enough to wrap around where it needs to be wrapped around. So I'm too weak.
Speaker 2I'm thinking in my head and my mom is coming out and she's looking at me and I see a look of disgust or I think it's disgust, I'm not sure and she's saying you should know how to do this. And she's like you've got three minutes to finish this up, or I'm taking the belt out. And so I try really hard, I'm trying really hard to get the belt on correctly and I'm pulling at it and I can't get it. I'm, I just can't, it's just too hard. And I'm pounding on my side, going.
Speaker 2I just want to die, I don't want to be here anymore and I know it's more than three minutes. I couldn't get it. And she comes out and she beats me up a little bit and then she goes ahead and she puts the belt on and she looks at me and she says see, that was easy. And then walks away and I think to myself gee, she sure did make it look easy, like it was easy to fix. Wow, maybe I am stupid or maybe I'm just like too weak. And then I go about clearing off the brushes and I go and I start vacuuming again and just finish vacuuming.
Speaker 1Okay, gotcha, okay, I get a clear picture of that scene so that that represents the kind of interaction that you would have with your mother in various times. Yes, can you go back to the very first type of interaction that you had with your mom? That represents this kind of interaction if you would. Do you recall the very first time at all?
Speaker 2Yes, I was pretty young, I know I still wasn't that steady on my feet and I remember.
Speaker 1Go back there to that time, just the way you did. How old are you in that scene? I'm?
Speaker 2how old Maybe three, three and a half.
Struggling to Meet Expectations
Speaker 1I'm three years old, okay, so go through that scene, just as you just did. What occurs in?
Speaker 2that scene and my mom gets me up in the morning and it's summer. I know it's summer because my older brother is home and I see that my mom has laid out a dress for me to wear and I don't really like dresses, but I'm going to put it on because I know I don't want to disappoint her. And so I put on my dress and then I have to put my shoes on and I know that I cannot tie my shoes yet, but I sure am going to try and I'm going to try as hard as I can, but, oops, I can't get it correctly. I'm following all the directions, the two bunny ears and whatever, and I cannot tie my shoes. And I see my mom, and I see she's upset with me because evidently, when I put on my dress I accidentally got one of the ribbons in my ponytail loose and she's mad at me because she wants everything to look nice.
Speaker 1Do you recall what she actually said? Everything to look nice, do you recall?
Speaker 2what she actually said. She just says something simply, you messed it up again. You messed it up and you need to fix it. And I couldn't even reach a mirror. I can't reach a mirror, I can't see myself to fix my ribbon. So I'm going to do the best I can. But if I cannot tie my shoes, I am having a hard time tying a ribbon.
Speaker 2So my mom comes back in the room room and I know it wasn't very, it's not very long because I haven't gotten a chance to try very hard and then my mom says to me you just mess everything up and she pushes me outside and she locks the door and I'm standing there and it's a long time. I know because when I go out at first, I don't need to go to the bathroom. When I go out at first, I don't need to go to the bathroom. But all of a sudden I'm standing there and I need to go to the bathroom and so I'm knocking, I knock on the door, I'm knocking and there's nobody answering the door. So I'm standing there and I'm scared because if I pee in my pants, she is going to get very angry at me and she's going to spank me. And I don't like spankings because sometimes I bleed and I'm standing and I'm really uncomfortable. So eventually I end up going and I pee outside because I'm like this is better than me peeing in my pants, maybe it'll be okay, this is better than me peeing in my pants, maybe it'll be okay. And a neighbor sees me and not that day she doesn't say anything to my mom. So I'm grateful because she didn't say anything to my mom and I got away with something. I got away with going to the bathroom outside.
Speaker 2And in the process of going to the bathroom, the yard is muddy, it's muddy, it's very muddy. There's not any grass grown yet in the backyard. I get some mud on my hands and on my dress and I start crying and I start crying and I'm crying and I can feel like I'm starting to feel like I can't stop crying about this. But I need to stop crying because mom doesn't like it when I cry, like it when I cry, and so I cannot clean up my hands because I cannot turn on the hose. It, the handle is, it's too tight.
Speaker 2When she sees me, she is already looking very upset. I can tell and she doesn't look as upset as usual though that day or that at that time. At this time, she certainly isn't as upset as she was when I first came outside. So I have soap and she is yelling at me and telling me that I messed up my hands and my dress and I need to go wash my dress and I need to go wash my hands, but she isn't hurting me, she isn't hitting me. I'm happy. I'm happy, I'm really happy now Because I'm not getting hit, okay, gotcha.
Speaker 1Okay, as you go back to this scene and any other scene in your early childhood, what do you imagine you might have concluded about yourself or about life out of these situations?
Speaker 2About yourself I really didn't know better. So I thought I was pretty hard on myself because I thought I should know how to do these things. Okay, okay. But I never had somebody sit down either and show me these things either. So in a way I know that it's of course I didn't know the word then irrational, but I know it's not right Because I wasn't shown. So how does a person know unless they're shown? But I still feel bad Because I disappoint my mom.
Speaker 1So is that how you concluded about yourself? I must be stupid.
Speaker 2Yeah.
Speaker 1I should know how to do these things like the vacuum cleaner and all these things. I don't know how. Nobody's really showing me, but I should know. So the fact that I don't know, I guess that means I must be stupid. Yes, in some ways I don't matter, I be stupid. Yes, in some ways I don't matter.
Speaker 2I'm stupid, right.
Speaker 1Yeah, to what extent do you feel because I know you started with a few of these words to what extent do you feel that thought or belief about yourself is still operating in your life?
Speaker 2Hello, your life, hello. I get home and from work and I'll look, see that I need to do the dishes because they've been stacking up the past few days and I walk past it anyway because too much. And then I sit there and I feel bad, that I don't feel good about myself because I'm not cleaning up.
Speaker 1Right, okay, I hear that. Okay, okay, when it when comes back down to the thing that seems to stop you from taking these actions or doing these things, um, how did you say it at the beginning? How did you put it at the beginning? The thing that stops you, or the thought that stops you from doing these things, it doesn't matter, I don't matter, or I.
Speaker 2I can't do the right thing I can't do the right thing yeah, I should know better, I should know more, or I should be able to, should be do, but I'm not, and shame on me.
Speaker 1Okay, so shame on me. Okay, so that's where you end up beating yourself up.
Speaker 2Yeah.
Speaker 1Okay, shame on me for not doing the things I think I should be doing.
Speaker 2Yeah.
Speaker 1So there's something shame on me, there's something wrong with me, perhaps.
Speaker 2Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1Yeah, okay, all right, so you fall into that thought process.
Speaker 2Yeah.
Speaker 1And sometimes.
Speaker 2I literally out loud. I'll say what's wrong with me.
Speaker 1What's wrong with me?
Speaker 2Yeah.
Speaker 1Okay, okay, all right, okay. So you ask that question to yourself what's wrong with me? Basically meaning, there must be something wrong with me.
Speaker 2Yeah, okay so that I know there's something wrong with me.
Speaker 1Okay, I know that there's something wrong with me is what you tell yourself, right, I know there's something wrong with me. That's a can you see, that's a thought that you think yeah that you play on the private stage of your mind.
Speaker 2There must be something wrong with me yeah I know I'm a, I know I'm a good person and stuff, but there's, there is something wrong that, yeah, that that's what you've concluded and that's what you believe about yourself, right?
Speaker 1There must be something wrong with me.
Speaker 2Yeah.
Speaker 1Yeah, because I'm not doing what I should be doing, so there must be something wrong with me.
Speaker 2Yeah.
Speaker 1Yeah, and perhaps that's the same kind of thought that you played as a young child. In certain situations, there must be something wrong with me, or insufficient about me, or not good enough or something yeah it is yeah okay okay good, can you see that's again simply a thought or a belief that you hold about yourself. Yeah, that you believe that yeah you really? You tell yourself there must be something wrong with me, and you actually believe that. Yes, is that true?
Speaker 2Yes.
Speaker 1Okay. Do you know absolutely that this means there's something wrong with you?
Speaker 2No, I guess I'm not really sure, but I know there's something maybe I could be doing more of.
Speaker 1Yeah, I hear that. I mean in terms of the things that well, just in your home situation, right?
Speaker 2Yeah.
Speaker 1There are things that you that's where you feel stuck, that you're not doing certain things and so you don't do those certain things, and then the end point conclusion is this must mean there's something wrong with me. Yeah, so, yeah, so that consider that's a thought that you play on the private stage of your mind. Yeah, this means there's something wrong with me. Okay, private stage of your mind, yeah, be something. This means there's something wrong with me. Okay, and just looking at that thought as a thought and a thought that you believe, what's the impact of that thought on yourself in your life? What is believing that thought and living that thought doing to you and what is it costing you?
Speaker 2It's costing me my self-worth.
Speaker 1Your self-worth.
Speaker 2Sure and self-esteem.
Speaker 1Yes, yes, yeah, that's obvious, isn't it what it's costing there. Yeah, does having that thought do anything for you? Does it receive gain that you get out of, let's say, believing that thought? No, not at all, not at all, okay, no. If you could, however, you accomplish it. If you could let go of that thought, would that make any difference to yourself in your life? I think it would. What do you imagine If Shelby were going through life free of the thought or the belief in the thought? There must be something wrong with me. What difference would that make to yourself in your life?
Speaker 2I think I would feel better about myself and I think that I would have some more ambition in my life.
Speaker 1Okay.
Speaker 2Because maybe I do deserve better things.
Speaker 1Okay, that could open that up your sense of deservingness in life, because you've concluded I don't deserve a better life, right? So being free of this thought there's something wrong with me could open up a whole new vista for you, true.
Speaker 2Yes, definitely Okay. Yeah, Okay, it's a pretty high possibility, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1Okay, yeah, okay, it's a pretty high possibility. Yeah, yeah, okay, okay. Well, given this being a thought that you've concluded about yourself and that you have come to believe about yourself, and understandable, you know, as a child, you know the kind of messages we receive from our parents.
Speaker 2Yeah.
Speaker 1We tend to take them as that's the truth, because my parents are my parents and they certainly know better than I do, so whatever they're telling me must be the truth.
Speaker 1Mm-hmm, basically, yeah, know better than I do so whatever they're telling me must be the truth, basically, so that becomes reinforced in our consciousness. All right, okay. So can you see that this is something that you tell yourself on the private stage of your mind? There must be something wrong with me. Yeah, those are the words that you speak in your consciousness. There must be something wrong with me. Right, okay, right.
Speaker 2Okay.
Speaker 1So is it possible, is it within the realm of possibility that you could let this thought go? Is that even possible?
Speaker 2Maybe I didn't really think of that before. I didn't think that maybe it's something, maybe it's not correct.
Speaker 1Okay, Okay so you can open that up as a possibility that I was just mistaken when I finally concluded about that. Maybe there's something wrong with me? Yeah, okay, all right. Yeah, okay, all right. Seeing that was something that you took on, is it possible that you could take it off or let it go?
Speaker 2I would have to work at it, yeah.
Speaker 1What would be the work of that? I think. I could improve my self-esteem that would be the outcome of letting go of that thought right. You would naturally have improved self-esteem, would you not?
Speaker 2Yeah.
Speaker 1But what would be the work in letting go of such a thought?
Speaker 2Maybe write down things I am good at.
Speaker 1Okay, maybe what you are good at could arise from being free of this thought. There's something wrong with me, true?
Speaker 2Yeah.
Speaker 1There's something wrong with me that I'm holding on to, yeah, and perhaps it's become part of my identity as who I thought I was or who I think I am. There's something wrong with me, yeah, and it's a thought that I'm thinking. Is there any more work to working on that thought than letting it go? I'm not sure how to let it go, though, okay, you're not sure how to let it go yeah okay, all right, okay. So is that the only thing that's stopping you? Yeah I just don't know how yeah to let it go?
Speaker 1yeah, okay, all right, are you willing to let it go? Yeah, you are willing to let it go.
Speaker 2I want to let it go, okay all right.
Speaker 1okay, maybe we could do just a little exercise right here, if you would, is to perhaps allow your eyes to close, okay, and just turn your attention inward and just take a moment to connect into your physical self right now.
Speaker 2Okay.
Speaker 1And just take a moment to feel your body and the sensations of your body, just simply taking a quick scan of your body and feeling the different sensations that you feel in different parts of your body. Okay, and then taking a moment to simply pay attention to your breathing for a moment, as you naturally breathe, without trying to change your breathing, just to feel your breathing. Feel your breathing and now take a moment to notice any activity in your mind right now, of your mind, to whatever extent you can be aware of whatever is going on in your mind. And now take a moment here to consciously and deliberately speak these words Okay, there must be something wrong with me. Silently say those words.
Speaker 2Okay.
Speaker 1And go ahead and just say them again, and then just one more time, and then, without trying to figure out how to do it, even whether you can do it, just go ahead and see if you could let that thought go, just for now. And there are different ways of experiencing. Sometimes it just disappears, at least for the moment. Sometimes it just dissolves. Go ahead and just see if you could let go of that thought just for now, and let me know when you've done that.
Speaker 2Okay, I did it.
Speaker 1Oh, you did that. Okay, all right. Okay, can you tap into what's that like inside?
Speaker 2I just pretended it was a strong wind blowing and it blew the words right out of my brain.
Speaker 1Beautiful, it's great, awesome, awesome. Okay, so maybe there's a little space right now in your brain, in your mind, so go ahead and look and see if I could replace that thought with anything that might really make a difference to myself in my life. What would I like to think or feel that's different than that? If I could feel anything I have worth?
Speaker 2I can do things.
Speaker 1Okay.
Speaker 2There's nothing wrong with me.
Speaker 1Perfect. So would you say those three things again.
Speaker 2I have worth, I can do things and there's nothing wrong with me.
Speaker 1Okay, good, Go ahead and say them one more time and just tell me that. Convince me of that. If you would Just tell me that.
Speaker 2I have worth Just tell me that I have word. I can do things. There's nothing wrong with me.
Speaker 1I believe you.
Speaker 2Thank you Okay.
Speaker 1We're coming towards the end of our conversation here, yeah, and let's come back to this present moment.
Speaker 2Okay.
Speaker 1What am I experiencing in this present moment? And then a few words. How do I feel about this conversation we just had? Is there anything that I take away from this conversation? Any insight, realization or anything at all?
Speaker 2Yes, I can replace things in my mind with good thoughts.
Speaker 1Try this instead of I can Substitute can with I am.
Speaker 2I am replacing thoughts in my mind with good thoughts.
Speaker 1Okay, and then put that maybe in past tense I have.
Speaker 2I've replaced the things in my mind with good thoughts.
Discovering Fulfillment and Self-Worth
Speaker 1Beautiful. All right, great Good, all right, great Good, good work, good work here. Yeah, so well. When it comes back to your initial intention for our meeting, do you feel, do you feel like you fulfilled anything here in terms of your intention?
Speaker 2Yeah, actually quite a bit.
Speaker 1Hmm.
Speaker 2Right, I was just thinking one time, what could that do? But it really has helped a lot because it gave me something to replace in my mind and in my body.
Speaker 1That's great, yeah, it's really good, yeah, and that could be. You could turn that into an affirmation for yourself to just speak those words at different times during your day, let's say, and to speak them out loud which you just shared there, and to speak them out loud just what you just shared there and to affirm the reality of that.
Speaker 2Yeah.
Speaker 1Because, of course, you deserve.
Speaker 2Yeah.
Speaker 1You deserve to have a life that's joyful and happy and loving, and so on, of course. Okay, very good, all right, then go forth, go forth in in what you just shared here okay, and see where things go, all right so it's been good to meet with you here and get to know you a little bit, and I wish you all good things thank you so much.
Speaker 2I I appreciate your time. Bye-bye.
Speaker 1Thank you for listening to this edition of Eyewitness to Therapy. If you, the listener, desire to be interviewed in a similar fashion as this one, feel free to contact me at courtcurtis at yahoocom. Peace, love and presence.
