"Confronting Shadows: A Personal Narrative of Family and Regret"

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Transcript

One-Word Check-In And Intention

SPEAKER_01 0:23

Welcome to Eyewitness to Therapy, the one-of-a-kind podcast that focuses on a real life therapy situation. I'm your host, Court Curtis, psychologist and therapist, passionate about bringing you into an immersive experience of self-awareness through therapy. In each episode, we dive deep into the struggles our guest faces and guide them on a journey of self-discovery and resolution. As your dedicated therapist, my purpose is to create a safe space where you can openly share and address your issues. We'll explore the power of the present moment in resolving your concerns, knowing that the past is completely over and the future is never yet. The key to healing lies in awareness, in being witness to your consciousness. And that's precisely what we'll uncover together in every episode of Eyewitness to Therapy. So join us as we navigate the transformative power of therapy and self-awareness. Welcome to another episode of Eyewitness to Therapy. Every individual that I interview in this podcast has volunteered to participate in a one-time therapy session. And so I'm happy to welcome a new guest today. This is the first time we have ever met, so I know virtually nothing about this person other than from a very brief questionnaire that they filled out prior to this meeting. Every guest's identity is anonymous. All therapy is centered around the guest's issues and goals. Whatever they bring forth into the session becomes the focus of our conversation. And my goal is to be helpful in the best way I can. Gestalt therapy is all about living in the moment, and that is exactly where we start each session. I ask my guest to take a moment and allow a word or short phrase to bubble up in consciousness that simply names their here and now experience. And then I have them expound on that word what that word says of them, about them, or about anything. And then I ask that they declare an intention for the session. An intention can be anything, such as what they hope to gain from the session or want help with. Declaring an intention from the outset helps frame our conversation and also serves to create a purpose and goal for our session. And then lastly, we end each session the way we begin. With just a word that names their here and now experience as we come to the close of our conversation. As well as a few words about how they feel about our session. Is there a takeaway? An insight or realization that they gained from a meeting together? That's the question. So come along with us as we step into this journey of exploration. Where the conversation goes, nobody knows. But that's also the excitement of therapy. A step into the unknown of possibilities. So without further ado, let's welcome our new guest. Welcome to our meeting today. Started with one word or series of one words that name something in the various areas of your life. As you reflect on yourself, your life, your situation, your relationships, the places where you engage, and so on, speak one word that names something in each of those areas. It can be a feeling word or it can be any word whatsoever. Go for as many times as you wish, and then stop when you choose, and then we'll go from there.

SPEAKER_00 3:54

Longing. Content. Sometimes it's like you look at the cup and it's like half full, but the other time it's oh, there's still that empty spot.

SPEAKER_01 4:10

One more invitation here to invite you to look and see what would I like to feel by the end of our meeting today? Let's say if I could feel anything. Is there anything I'd like to feel? If I could feel anything by the end of our meeting?

SPEAKER_00 4:24

Like myself?

SPEAKER_01 4:25

Yeah. Like what would I like to feel?

SPEAKER_00 4:28

Gratification of something eye-opening, maybe.

SPEAKER_01 4:31

Oh gratification.

SPEAKER_00 4:32

A fullness.

SPEAKER_01 4:34

Or eye-opening. Feel free to expound on any of the words that you've shared so far. Or if you're coming in with anything you would like to focus on, we can go in whatever direction you desire our conversation to go.

SPEAKER_00 4:50

Okay. So you want me to start the conversation of where we're gonna go?

SPEAKER_01 4:55

So that's the invitation to look reflecting on your life and your situation to see what pops up in your consciousness that's perhaps dominating your consciousness, a feeling of stuckness or a particular emotion or something.

Holiday Loneliness And Lost Family Bonds

SPEAKER_00 5:08

I'm here to work with you in whatever capacity you desire, and that can be anything during the holidays get this sadness, emptiness, sense of missing, because it's like all these people have their families, and I do not, and I don't like having to explain that to people sometimes. I just don't talk. Like whenever they bring stuff up. Are you excited for Christmas?

SPEAKER_01 5:36

Yeah, I have kids. But I'm hearing you say so there's a feeling of sadness or missingness, you're saying in some ways.

SPEAKER_00 5:43

Yeah, because growing up, my great grandma kept everybody together, and we would go over there, and like certain family members still talked, but now it's just my grandpa and my husband's parents are both dead. So it's just like my kids just have us and my grandpa, so it's just like lonely.

SPEAKER_01 6:05

Okay. So sadness about the way it's not the way it used to be.

SPEAKER_00 6:10

I feel like all these people get together, but I also feel half these people that have these big family gatherings don't even like each other. Like I feel like they're faking it. Some families, I'm sure they're great, but I feel like a lot of them they don't really get along, but they all get together.

SPEAKER_01 6:25

How do you feel towards certain family members when you reflect back on those in your family?

SPEAKER_00 6:33

My grandpa doesn't talk to his daughter because he adopted me when I was like 15, and my mother has not talked to me since then. And we live in the same town. Like I see her, but all those years she never once mailed a letter. She never sent a Christmas card, no holiday cards, nothing. And then, like my dad's side of the family also lives in the same town, but I didn't know for sure if he was my dad until I was like almost 28. And then, like, when I got to know his mother and I got close, there's things I learned that I did not like, so I do not talk to that side of the family, and I feel like she enables a lot of his behavior, and I found out things from him about his childhood that I just couldn't talk to her the way I did, because then I seen her differently because I did not like the things I found out.

SPEAKER_01 7:30

When you say her, you mean your mother?

SPEAKER_00 7:32

His mother, like my biological grandmother on that side. When I found those things out, I couldn't talk to her anymore.

SPEAKER_01 7:40

Anything particular that you found out that was troubling for you that you'd like to share?

Estrangement And Family History Revealed

SPEAKER_00 7:44

So when he was younger, their dad, which would be my biological grandfather on that side, which I never met, he's passed away. He would lock them in the basement and stuff. And he was like three, and they wouldn't have blankets and it'd be like cold wet floors. And like his sister was his sister wasn't my bio grandpa's actual daughter. He had raped her. My grandmother had told her that it was her fault she lost the only man she ever loved and blamed her for that. CPS was a thing back then, but it's not like how it is now. They told her that they couldn't see their dad, but she would sneak the kids over there to see him. His dad put feces in a jar and told her to keep it on her dresser, and then she did. My dad's been in and out of jail in Juby since he was 12.

SPEAKER_01 8:40

I'm trying to follow all of those relationships there. So the person that you're most connected to right now is your grandfather and your mother's side of the family. But as far as your mother and father, there's no connection there.

SPEAKER_00 8:53

I haven't talked to my mother since I was about 15. I haven't talked to my dad since my youngest son's third birthday. That's the last time I talked to him.

SPEAKER_01 9:02

And that's by your own choosing.

SPEAKER_00 9:04

When I found out who my dad was, for sure, because I knew it could be between him and another person, I had reached out to that person and they told me they weren't my dad. My cousin on my dad's side killed herself when she was 21. At the funeral, I asked my grandmother on my dad's side to do a DNA test. Well, she did, and then I found out that he was my dad because back when I was 18, when I asked him, he flaked and didn't do it. So then we had the relationship for a little bit, but it's like he's so emotionally, I feel like he's not fully mentally there. Like maybe at some time he quit growing. He reminds me of a 12-year-old. Like he can't form, like, it's my fault that this happened, it's always somebody else's fault on my birthday. He literally ignored me because apparently I hurt his feelings. Um he didn't answer certain messages. Whenever I tried reaching out and I told his mom that I did not like that and that it hurt my feelings, she was like, I don't know why it hurts your feelings because he ignores me all the time. And I'm like, Yeah, but I'm a kid, I'm his kid. And then when I asked him to come to my youngest's birthday and he didn't show up, I was just like, you know what? I'm just done. I don't want my feelings hurt anymore. I feel like everybody on that side worships my grandmother, and I don't understand why. My cousin and I were arguing. I told her, Our grandmother is not as great as they make her sound. I named all this stuff. Her mother was raped as a kid, and then she blamed her for it. She was like, That's the only family I ever had. I'm just like, that's not okay. What happened is not okay. The DNA test she did. I had my grandparents on my mom's side, but my grandma wasn't my biological grandmother. She was around before I was born. So there's a lot. Always she was like my mother figure. And it's just like I mentioned, even though what happened with my grandparents when they got divorced and all that, it's just like still the only two people that were ever really there for me was those grandparents. Yes. Before I was born, my mother wanted to get an abortion, but they talked her into keeping me and said that they would help with me.

SPEAKER_01 11:20

So I know you started our meeting with a feeling of sadness and missingness, right? Those feelings in relationship to what you're talking about here?

Cycles Of Abuse And Boundary Setting

SPEAKER_00 11:30

Some of it. I feel like there's just an emptiness and the dissatisfaction with the way life is. I feel like I'm never gonna be completely full. Before I had kids, when I was a teen, after my grandparents got custody when CPS got involved, I didn't talk about it. So I quit talking to her. I feel like settled into my life, and I feel like I could have done more with my life than what I did.

SPEAKER_01 11:53

Could have done more than what you've already done.

SPEAKER_00 11:58

Yeah, I just feel like I should be further than what I am. And I feel like had I not had all these things happen, and I feel like if I would have got counseling as I can, my grandpa would have made me go places and believed in mental health at that point, I could have been a lot further than I am. I feel like I could have been more successful, more successful.

SPEAKER_01 12:21

Okay. You have accomplished some things in life, I take it. Is that true?

SPEAKER_00 12:26

Yeah, I've done things, but it's just not like the things I wanted to do. I used to have feelings of wanting to do things, but now it's just since I'm in my 30s. I'm like, I my life's halfway over now.

SPEAKER_01 12:38

Oh so you once had a feeling of wanting to do things, but now you don't seem to have that feeling like you had?

SPEAKER_00 12:44

Yeah, I'm content with the work I do.

SPEAKER_01 12:47

What kind of work do you do?

SPEAKER_00 12:49

I work in environmental services at the hospital, so I sanitize and clean things. I'm content with it. It's probably not what I would have done when I was younger. Probably not the goal I would have picked out.

SPEAKER_01 13:06

What would have been the goal you would have picked out if you could have if I would have just decided not to have kids young?

SPEAKER_00 13:11

I did go to college for a little bit, but it was too hard because I had a one-year-old at the time. I just felt I had so many other things going on. I just didn't feel like I could do it at that point. I didn't like relying on my grandparents to watch him. I did stay at home for seven years with the kids while they were younger. I just feel like during that time, because I was happy they didn't have to watch my kids, but it was like I was in a standstill, my life went on pause.

SPEAKER_01 13:45

So are you saying that as far as where you are now, do you feel like your life is on pause?

SPEAKER_00 13:51

It definitely was on pause. But not back in 2021, I went back in the workforce, but I also had other issues going on. Like I was 23, I was diagnosed with stage three prolapse after I had my second kid, but that doctor said that there was no problem. I went to a new doctor when I was pregnant with Benjamin, and there was a problem. So I had to get like a vaginal reconstruction by the time I was 27. So I was pretty young.

SPEAKER_01 14:14

I see.

SPEAKER_00 14:14

And that kind of made me not very confident. And then the fact that I already have mental illnesses, I feel like I have mental illnesses, and there's definitely undiagnosed stuff on both sides of the family. Okay, and then there is something.

SPEAKER_01 14:29

If I may interrupt you, just didn't fling you here and froze up because I'm I'm hearing you say that I feel like I'm not I haven't gone as far as I wanted to in my life. I'm hearing you say there's a lot going on in your life, like this surgery family stuff. Are you saying that all of this stuff has prevented you from going further in your life?

SPEAKER_00 14:49

I decided that there would be something that I did want to do. I was like, I don't want to waste all this time doing because my life's half over now.

SPEAKER_01 14:57

Okay. So you feel like your life is half over now? Yeah. So you feel like there's no more potential for you?

SPEAKER_00 15:04

I feel like I'm just going with the flow and whatever I do. If I find some slight satisfaction in it, then I'm okay with it because no matter if I'm home or if I'm at work, I just have this constant sadness that never goes away.

Stalled Dreams And Life On Pause

SPEAKER_01 15:19

I'm really curious about the sadness because I know you started with that. And so, well, maybe just try this as a little exercise. Just beginning some sentences with the words, I'm sad that. Fill in the blank.

SPEAKER_00 15:34

I'm sad that my family is not normal. I'm sad that because of my childhood, I feel like it stunted me. I'm sad that I feel like I could have had more potential. Had my life been different. Had I been loved. I don't know.

SPEAKER_01 16:00

I don't know. Okay, yeah, I hear you. So those things, I hear that. Would you say it permeates your your existence?

SPEAKER_00 16:07

There's not a day that I don't feel some type of sadness and grossness. It's not really a pity, it's just a sadness that doesn't go away. No matter what I do, even if I'm happy, I still feel sad.

SPEAKER_01 16:18

Yeah, there are several things there that you feel sad the legitimately sad about.

SPEAKER_00 16:24

And there's nothing that's gonna fix it.

SPEAKER_01 16:26

If you were to fix anything, let's say, in your situation, what would you want or desire to fix if you could fix anything?

SPEAKER_00 16:36

I cannot function without my depression medication. I've tried to do it. I get too irritable and angry so quickly.

SPEAKER_01 16:46

Irritable and angry shows up when you're not taking medication.

SPEAKER_00 16:51

I'm very overstimulated. I can't deal with a lot.

SPEAKER_01 16:54

Would you say that irritability and anger is part of what you're describing as depression?

SPEAKER_00 17:00

Probably.

SPEAKER_01 17:01

So does the medication help take the edge off of that? Is that what you're saying?

SPEAKER_00 17:06

I wish I never would have got off of and switched to other medications I trialed for two years. I was on a medication that worked for five. It was literally the worst two years of my life. Finally, I did this psychiatrist thing on the phone so I could get back on Zoloft. But the Zoloft isn't like it was before. Okay, but you're on Zoloft. Yeah. I miss being numb though. I miss when it was like a lot.

SPEAKER_01 17:29

You miss being numb?

SPEAKER_00 17:30

That's why I originally quit taking it after five years because I couldn't cry like after my grandparents.

SPEAKER_01 17:35

So it kind of makes you numb.

SPEAKER_00 17:37

It doesn't now because I'm not on a high dose. I told them I didn't want that at that point.

SPEAKER_01 17:42

Okay. All right. I hear what you're taking the medication for. And I'm curious about these other feelings and emotions that uh you feel you can't do anything about, let's say, other than take medication for them. And I'm hearing that you feel what you're calling depression, but there's anger, there's anger in there. True. Yeah, your anger is legitimate and understandable. But it it sounds like perhaps you've learned to suppress your anger or try to suppress your anger. Is that true?

SPEAKER_00 18:20

I would say so.

SPEAKER_01 18:22

Yeah. Yeah. I I hear and understand your desire to do something about these feelings, and medication can certainly take the edge off of certain feelings and emotions. But the other possibility in all of that is is it possible that you could deal with these feelings of anger and whatever is there? To find a way through them in any way.

SPEAKER_00 18:48

I don't know. I feel like the older I've gotten, the more angry I get because before I had kids, it was like I could ignore it, but then you have kids and then you're like, how could my parents be like this? What is wrong with them?

SPEAKER_01 19:01

How your parents could be like what?

Health Struggles, Work, And Identity

SPEAKER_00 19:03

How they could be the way that they are. For instance, I got taken away from my mother because of abuse. Literally told me to kill myself.

SPEAKER_01 19:12

So you were taken away from your mother at an early age.

SPEAKER_00 19:15

Early, it was like 14, 15.

SPEAKER_01 19:17

And what did she say?

SPEAKER_00 19:18

She told me to go kill myself, told me how to do that.

SPEAKER_01 19:21

That's when you were like 14 or 15.

SPEAKER_00 19:22

Yeah, and I did try to she told me how I should try to do it, but it didn't work.

SPEAKER_01 19:26

I'm curious about that. Your mother tells you to go kill yourself. Okay. How do you feel inside when you hear that?

SPEAKER_00 19:33

Sometimes I wish I would have been successful.

SPEAKER_01 19:36

You wish you would have been successful.

SPEAKER_00 19:38

Oh yeah.

SPEAKER_01 19:38

Your mother is telling you this, and am I hearing you say that you have taken that as I deserve to kill myself or I should kill myself?

SPEAKER_00 19:50

No, not now.

SPEAKER_01 19:51

Not now. You're not planning to kill yourself, but you did back when she told you that.

SPEAKER_00 19:57

Oh, yeah. I told CPS if they sent me back with her that I would make sure it was successful. That's probably one of the reasons they did not.

SPEAKER_01 20:03

So when you go back to that moment when she told you that, can you tap into what was the feeling state you felt just hearing that?

SPEAKER_00 20:12

If you can It was expected because she usually put me down every day.

SPEAKER_01 20:16

Oh, okay. So she tells you you have ruined my life. And you should go kill yourself.

SPEAKER_00 20:22

Yeah, she said I should take a bunch of pills and kill myself.

SPEAKER_01 20:25

Go kill yourself.

SPEAKER_00 20:26

What's your reaction to that? It's disgusting.

SPEAKER_01 20:29

Yeah, absolutely disgusting. Exactly.

SPEAKER_00 20:32

And she's just not an okay person. A couple months ago, my half-brother reached out to me, and he's four and a half years younger than me, but that's my mom's other kid. We don't really talk because he has drug issues. Like she was evicting him, and he was like, Oh, hey, can you come to court and help me out and tell people that our mom's always been this way? I have videos of her beating me and calling me names. She'll tell him that she hates him. I didn't reply because I didn't want to deal with it. It is what it is. He's an adult. If he didn't want to deal with it, he doesn't have to. But he's in the cycle of we got into an argument quite a few years ago and we just haven't talked. I told him it's not normal for your mother to say that they hate you. It's not normal for them to tell you to kill yourself. It's not normal for her to put you down to put her hands on you. And his response is, our family isn't normal. You should know that.

SPEAKER_01 21:24

Uh-huh. So she said the basic same things that she said to you, she said to him, like you should cook kind of thing.

SPEAKER_00 21:32

I'm sure it's been uh well 10 or 11 is when she stopped liking me. Okay. She was kicking him on the floor in the stomach, and I stood up for him because I was crying, and she was like, Why are you crying? I'm not kicking you. And I said, Because I don't like it when you kick my brother. And he was just like huddled up on the floor.

SPEAKER_01 21:50

Yeah. I I hear that those moments were traumatic for you. To what is your mother treating your brother? And you, the way she treated you. It's trauma.

Persistent Sadness And “I’m Sad That…”

SPEAKER_00 22:05

So she had quite a few boyfriends, but this one I liked. He didn't like the way she was talking to us one day. He stood up for us. She didn't like that. Whenever she kicked him out, he wanted his motorcycle back. She parted it and gave him back pieces of it. That's the kind of person my mother was.

SPEAKER_01 22:20

Your feelings toward her are understandable to me. If anger is something that you're aware of that occurs in your experience, I can understand. You didn't deserve any of that. No.

unknown 22:34

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 22:35

I know I didn't. I was just a kid. Exactly. You were just a kid. Exactly.

SPEAKER_00 22:40

And it's like when their brains are forming, but really messed me up. And it's not just that. The kind of people that she's been with. When my mom was pregnant with my brother, I watched a knife get held to her neck and his dad threatened to kill her.

SPEAKER_01 22:54

Yeah, wow.

SPEAKER_00 22:54

And I think he only didn't because she was pregnant. If she wasn't pregnant, I think he would have done it.

SPEAKER_01 22:59

So when you reflect on these scenes in your mind's eye, because these are all sounds like there's scenes that you recall, things that your mother said and things that occurred. How do you feel t about all these things? What's your reaction to all of these events that you can recall?

SPEAKER_00 23:15

I know that I'm sure she's dealt with stuff in her childhood. Her mother wasn't abusive but neglectful. And that grandma wasn't around for a long time. My grandpa got custody of me. But my grandpa wasn't in his younger days, probably not very nice. Because he said things to me, but I've okay.

SPEAKER_01 23:43

So am I understanding you to say that you're aware that your mother was abused?

SPEAKER_00 23:48

I wouldn't say she was neglected. I'm sure my grandpa wasn't as nice to her as he is to me because he said some things to me over the years, but it was never as bad as what my mom did. So you know.

SPEAKER_01 24:01

Right, right. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 24:02

I'm completely aware. I think the way that she was raised and the mental illnesses. My grandpa's really big on medication. At first, he made fun of me and called me crazy for taking medication. And I was like, no, at least I'm gonna be a good parent because I'm gonna I think the way that she was raised had a significant impact on why she is the one.

SPEAKER_01 24:26

Okay, so you can at least understand her behavior in some ways because it sounds like the way she treated you was the way she was treated.

Meds, Numbness, Anger, And Triggers

SPEAKER_00 24:34

I can imagine. I can definitely see the belittling, and I know that her mom was neglectful on she wasn't around, so she had a fan for herself, but I feel like she was raised in such a way that made her such a selfish person. And since grandpa was very big on mental health and not taking medication and not talking about problems, she never went and got mental health that she should have got.

SPEAKER_01 25:00

That's what you're sharing there, is often true as how someone treats you, let's say, is an expression or reflection of how they were treated in some ways that gets acted out. She's the scapegoat in some ways in her life, is what I hear.

SPEAKER_00 25:20

Yeah, I think if she would have got on medication and maybe had some type of therapy, it might have helped.

SPEAKER_01 25:26

Okay, but none of that happened, right? No, but it could have. Anything could have. But coming back to the present, I think one of the things I'm hearing you say is, I feel like my life is over. You know, I can't go any further than I wish would have wished to, let's say. And my life is half over, and I'm just putting up with life the way it is, is what I hear. It is what it is. Your life is what it is, exactly. It's the way it is. I can see how that can become an impediment to you experiencing going further in your life.

SPEAKER_00 26:00

I can go forward, but it's just dealing with it.

SPEAKER_01 26:02

Okay, so what's there to deal with then? I'm curious. What's there to deal when you say dealing with it? What's there to deal with?

SPEAKER_00 26:09

The fact that my kids ask questions like all these other people and their grandparents. I've told them some of what my mom did, obviously, not all the past. Jason's gonna be 13 tomorrow, 10 and 8.

SPEAKER_01 26:20

They ask questions about your family, and you've shared with them some of the things that you experienced back when.

SPEAKER_00 26:27

Yes, my oldest is very understanding of that kind of stuff. Now they've met my dad and they know that I don't hate him. I don't hate my dad at all. I just think that he's mentally declined in a way that he can't function to at fault for some of the things that happened.

SPEAKER_01 26:45

He's just not functional in that way to admit to anything.

SPEAKER_00 26:48

I think he's a super nice guy. I just think that he mentally cannot fathom that anything is his fault, and he's like a child.

SPEAKER_01 26:55

He's not able to fathom that.

SPEAKER_00 26:57

And my grandpa's the kind of person that didn't like that side of the family, so he did not like me talking to them. Like he said to me before, why isn't what I've done good enough? Why am I not just good enough? My grandpa. And whenever I was talking to him, he told me he hated that side of my family, so he didn't want to hear about it. So I was like, Okay, thank you.

SPEAKER_01 27:19

So he acknowledges a feeling inside, a feeling of not being good enough.

SPEAKER_00 27:25

He did.

SPEAKER_01 27:25

A feeling of not being good enough.

SPEAKER_00 27:27

But like my grandpa is literally a very lonely person. Nobody talks to him in the family except for me and his sister sometimes.

SPEAKER_01 27:33

Does that relate to you in any way, is this feeling of not being good enough? Yeah, I feel like a lot of people don't like me. I'm not a likable person. So you imagine that? No, I really believe that people believe it, but do people actually tell you I don't like you?

Parenting While Processing The Past

SPEAKER_00 27:52

I feel like sometimes I'm a little blunt because I don't like lying. So sometimes they say things and people don't like it because it is the truth, even if they don't like the truth. So they don't like your bluntness sometimes, would you say I've tried to watch what I say so I don't hurt people's feelings. But if they ask me, I don't like to lie about it. I usually ask, do you want me to tell you the truth or do you want me to lie to you?

SPEAKER_01 28:17

So does all that mean that people don't like you, or maybe they just don't like some of the things you've said?

SPEAKER_00 28:22

I mean, some people definitely don't like me.

SPEAKER_01 28:24

And so you're certain of that. Is that something that you've now generalized to the whole world that people don't like me?

SPEAKER_00 28:31

A lot of people don't.

SPEAKER_01 28:32

Do you know everybody?

SPEAKER_00 28:33

No. But if they met me, they probably wouldn't like me.

SPEAKER_01 28:36

That's what I hear you thinking. Say these words, I don't like me.

SPEAKER_00 28:40

I don't like me. I tell people that I don't like myself.

SPEAKER_01 28:43

I don't like me.

SPEAKER_00 28:44

Yeah. And then when your own parent can't love you, how can anybody else love you?

SPEAKER_01 28:48

That's what children make up. Exactly. Children decide that. If I don't get the love and care that I deserve as a child, then I guess that means I'm not lovable.

SPEAKER_00 29:01

It's very hard to like myself.

SPEAKER_01 29:03

Yeah. I guess I feel that I'm unlikable.

SPEAKER_00 29:08

And then there's just parts of me that remind me of my parents and I just don't like it.

SPEAKER_01 29:12

Yeah, okay. Yeah. It's certainly not bad to not parts of ourselves, some parts of me I don't like. But that's okay. I just don't like that part. But that doesn't mean anything about me as a person. That I'm unlikable or that because I don't like parts of me that I can't like. Other parts. All right. We are coming towards the end of our meeting here today. So we touched on a few things here. And uh the way we end our session is a little bit like the way we start, which is so what word might name my here and now experience right now? Coming to a close of our meeting? How do I feel about our meeting today? Did I get anywhere near where I wanted to be by the end of the meeting?

SPEAKER_00 30:00

I feel heavy.

SPEAKER_01 30:02

My chest feels heavy. Would you like to explore that briefly? Not explain it, explore it.

SPEAKER_00 30:07

How do we do that?

“People Don’t Like Me” Belief Challenged

SPEAKER_01 30:09

Close your eyes for a moment and feel that heaviness in your chest. Be with that feeling for now. Search around in your body and notice any other places where you feel this heaviness. Allow it all to be there. Try for a moment instead of resisting these feelings, just see what happens if you could welcome these feelings. Allowing them to be there. And then as you allow yourself to feel these feelings, notice any thoughts that may go along with these feelings. Whatever thoughts are there. Go ahead and see if you could welcome those thoughts, allowing them to be there. Notice what happens when you just accept your feeling state without trying to change anything or do anything or judge it. And when you feel ready, you could open your eyes and come back here. Anything you want to share?

SPEAKER_00 31:42

It made me want to go to sleep.

SPEAKER_01 31:43

Made you want to go to sleep. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 31:45

Soothing. Sometimes whenever I feel like that, I just lay in the bathtub, like in the water, and become one with the water.

SPEAKER_01 31:53

I guess I call that nurturing yourself. What did you say you wanted or wished to feel by the end of the meeting?

SPEAKER_00 31:59

I guess some type of gratification to maybe see things in a different point of view.

SPEAKER_01 32:06

Did you get anywhere near that at all? Or I'm still the same place I was.

SPEAKER_00 32:11

I guess there's a slight gratification in the conversation itself.

SPEAKER_01 32:14

Coming to a close here, I hear you and I hear your experience and your background too, and certainly all the feelings that you've felt prior and today, let's say, are certainly understandable that you would feel all these feelings. As far as therapy is concerned, the thing to learn to deal with is the feelings. J just by the acknowledging of them and the welcoming of them and the allowing of them, what you're doing is creating the conditions for them just to flow. You know, because it sounds like you you made up somewhere I'm not lovable and I'm not good enough. And you've learned to believe that. And that's become kind of your programming in life. And it gets proved to yourself over and over again. That's one of the things to learn to question. Maybe people have expressed they don't like certain things, but does any of that mean I'm not likable? You can challenge that. Get in touch with your okayness. Consider you're okay, really. You just learn to believe that you're not. You can change that belief. It's learning to let go of what you've been hanging on to. That doesn't take any learning at all other than to choose to release and let go. If these are the persistent beliefs and feelings that I've been holding on to, then the only learning that's required is dropping it. Learning to drop it.

SPEAKER_00 33:39

It would be nice just to be able to let it go. I feel like my brain is obsessive and compulsive about certain things. Stuff triggers it.

SPEAKER_01 33:46

You get triggered. That's possible to deal with, whether seeing a therapist or doing your own inner work, learning to journal. Do you ever kept a journal?

SPEAKER_00 33:55

When I was a kid, and then my mom read it, and I never journaled again.

SPEAKER_01 33:58

Oh gosh.

SPEAKER_00 33:59

Write and burn.

Somatic Exercise And Self-Soothing

SPEAKER_01 34:00

That would certainly keep you from keeping a journal. But journal can be a powerful self-therapy tool, you know, where you just learn to write out your thoughts and feelings. So it's been nice to meet you and to get to know you a little bit here. I wish you well on your journey in this life. Believe there's always potential to be fulfilled, and sometimes it's learning to get out of our own way. It sounds like you've had some dreams, but you've put a lid on those things. Thank you for this conversation.

SPEAKER_00 34:33

Okay. Thank you.

SPEAKER_01 34:34

All right. Take care. All the best. You too. Thank you for listening to this edition of Eyewitness to Therapy. If you, the listener, desire to be interviewed in a similar fashion as this one, feel free to contact me at courtcurtis at yahoo.com. Peace, love, and presence.