In episode 65, I'm diving into why loving yourself is vital in helping you be more of the person you were created to be with less anxiety, stress, guilt, and overwhelm.
You'll learn what happens when you don't love yourself, and how it reflects in your actions and emotions. From shrinking yourself to people-pleasing, I discuss the patterns that lead to feeling lost and stagnant.
You'll learn two simple steps you can begin right now to help you find your gifts, create boundaries, and change the way you think and feel about yourself.
This episode is for anyone who has ever felt the weight of societal expectations, struggled with self-esteem, or found themselves constantly seeking external validation.
If you're ready to take loving yourself and your life even further, join me on a consultation call.
Help others find this resource so they can calm, confident, and have more fun by leaving a ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ review wherever you listen.
Find me on Instagram
Find me on Facebook
Schedule your consultation and let's talk coaching!
Thanks for listening!
In episode 65, I'm diving into why loving yourself is vital in helping you be more of the person you were created to be with less anxiety, stress, guilt, and overwhelm.
You'll learn what happens when you don't love yourself, and how it reflects in your actions and emotions. From shrinking yourself to people-pleasing, I discuss the patterns that lead to feeling lost and stagnant.
You'll learn two simple steps you can begin right now to help you find your gifts, create boundaries, and change the way you think and feel about yourself.
This episode is for anyone who has ever felt the weight of societal expectations, struggled with self-esteem, or found themselves constantly seeking external validation.
If you're ready to take loving yourself and your life even further, join me on a consultation call.
Help others find this resource so they can calm, confident, and have more fun by leaving a ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ review wherever you listen.
Find me on Instagram
Find me on Facebook
Schedule your consultation and let's talk coaching!
Thanks for listening!
Welcome to the More Than Anxiety podcast. I'm Megan Devito and I'm the Life Coach for stressed out and anxious women who want more out of life. I'm here to help you create a life you love to live where anxiety isn't holding you back. Get ready for a lighthearted approach to managing anxiety through actionable steps, a lot of truth, talk and inspiration to take action so you walk away feeling confident, calm and ready to live. Let's get to it. Welcome to Episode 65.
Megan Devito:I am recording this episode at the very end of November 2023, just after one of the most fun Thanksgivings that I can remember in a very long time. I want to tell you about it because it started out kind of crazy, but I feel so lucky and blessed to have had time at home with all four of my kids putting up our Christmas tree, hanging out, and then my kids actually chose to spend time with each other and go do fun things. My boys went out for lunch, my girls hung out on Saturday. So that was Thursday, then on Saturday, we got together with my one side of my family, including my cousins and my cousins' kids. There was a ton of us and it was wild and loud and there was way too much food. But it had me feeling so, just like I said, lucky and blessed that I have this huge, crazy family that wants to spend time together. How incredible that my kids know my cousins like they do. It was always a thing in my life. I know my second cousins, I had great grandparents and we would have these big holidays together. I'm just psyched that my kids get to have that too. I know this isn't true for a lot of people and I don't want to assume that you have that insane experience, but I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world.
Megan Devito:Before I go into this whole bunch more gushiness of the holiday, let me just tell you how it started, because it didn't start like the perfect holiday. Well, okay, by Saturday, when I had the big family thing at 10 o'clock or at 10 till seven in the morning, so it's 6:5 0, I'm up, my phone rings. And when the phone rings early in the morning, my first thought is usually oh great, something awful has happened and sort of, but it's my brother who is up and staying with our parents for the weekend and he's like hey, how do you feel about hosting Thanksgiving today? And I think my first thought was yeah, whatever, why? Well, my parents water heater sprung a link in the middle of the night, so half of their basement was flooded and they had the water restoration people there. They had no hot water and really no water to speak of, and there were 33 people coming to my parents' house. So I love my cousins, I love my family and I've been really excited to have this Thanksgiving with them.
Megan Devito:And inside of me I'm like where the hell am I going to put 33 people in my house? My house is not big and my parents have enough room to host. And I'm like, yeah, I guess, yeah, we can do that. I'm just, I'm yelling at my husband like get over here, you need to go clean out the garage, like we need to do something, and it's cold out this weekend. So it's snowing and I'm like, oh, my God, I'm going to put my family in the garage because my Christmas tree is up and there's barely room for our family in the house. And so I'm like, yeah, okay, let's do it. And I just want you to know that this is like my worst nightmare. So I can notice that I'm getting really anxious and frantic and here's what happens to me when I get anxious with these things; I start. I don't think, okay, I should probably dust and sweep and maybe clean off the kitchen counters.
Megan Devito:My thought was I need to remodel my bathroom. Like, right now we need to remodel this bathroom. It's been driving me crazy for years. I haven't invested the money in it and I cannot host 33 people with this bathroom, so it's time to tear the shit out of the bathroom. I'm not joking. I was going to remodel my bathroom apparently in three hours, which is insane. But that's where I went, and I even found myself Googling like quick bathroom remodels, as if I'm going to have time to do this and get my small house ready for 33 people. But I was still going to say yes, I'm like, okay, yeah, I'll figure it out. My husband's like they can eat on the deck and I'm like, dude, it's snowing and they can't eat on the deck.
Megan Devito:So this is how my Saturday started. But luckily we didn't have to come to my small house because, thank goodness for the water restoration people hooking like the hot water heater back up, like they kind of jigged it together a little bit and we had the most fun ever. But I just want to entertain this idea of like what if I would have actually stayed in that spiral of "I don't have the room. They're going to think my house is too small, my bathroom is way to 90s, it needs destroyed. No, no, we can't. And I was generating new ideas like, okay, maybe we could find a place where we could rent a room in like a restaurant, or we could carry in to. I actually went to this place where you can rent a room at the funeral home. I'm like we could go to the funeral home.
Megan Devito:This is where my brain went, because I'm trying to get out of this, right, but I don't want to get out of it, because I'm judging myself about my house. I'm judging myself about how many people I can entertain, about what people will think about my disgusting bathroom, which is silly, because I have a perfectly good guest bathroom that I have fixed up. Anxiety is not rational, though right. So I was really anxious, but I wasn't going to say no and I instantly went to where am I going to put everyone and how am I going to do this? Because I felt like I needed to do more to prove myself. In that moment, I had no time for any of this. But here I am. Luckily, like I said, I didn't have to do it. We went to my parents, but if I would have stuck with the idea that my house wasn't big enough or updated enough, or what would I have told myself? Or maybe like if I wasn't capable enough or nobody wanted to come to my house when they could go to my parents' house, which is beautiful and much bigger?
Megan Devito:This week, I want to talk to you more about the things that you say to yourself, or the messages, maybe, that you interpret from other people, or even what you see, and how those messages that you say or that you think on repeat keep you from truly being able to love yourself and your life. Ladies and gentlemen, this goes for you too. Guys, I have heard this on multiple calls for a long time now. It was also a podcast request, so this is important. I want to begin this episode with a reminder that you were fearfully and wonderfully made, which means that you are uniquely created and gifted and extraordinary, and made for something that you might not even understand yet. Maybe it's hosting 33 people in your small house. I lucked out on that one, though. And maybe you'll, and maybe you'll never know exactly why you're here, and that's okay. So how's that for a first thought? Just take that one and tuck it into your head. I was wonderfully made, I have gifts, I am unique.
Megan Devito:But what happens if you don't believe that? What happens when you don't know how to love yourself or think that you deserve good things? Maybe you think, yeah, I don't really have anything to offer, so I shouldn't get anything in return. So I told you this is was a podcast request, but it's also come up frequently on consultation calls and in groups and in my personal life, and so what I like to do is, when I notice the theme going on, I bring it to my podcast, because, as much as anxiety and depression can make you feel really alone and isolated, the fact that just the fact that so many of us are making podcasts and social media posts and blogs and emails based on the things that we hear over and over and over, it's just proof that you are not alone.
Megan Devito:So when you don't love yourself or you hold back from giving yourself love, this is what starts to happen. You start to shrink and you notice that you are people pleasing, to the point that you stop being who you actually are, who you were created to be, and you turn into what somebody else wants you to be, so much so sometimes that you wake up someday and you have no idea who you really are. At this point, you're depressed and you don't know what to do next. You start to lose direction or you lose hope and you might notice you stop taking care of yourself or your house and everything feels stagnant and gray and heavy. You might be wondering how you got to this place, or and there are several reasons you could feel this way, but in a nutshell, as it is with most things, it's what you think about and what's going on around you, or what you think about what's going on around you that's keeping you feeling this way Everything from expectations that society has put on you or what you think you should be based on what somebody else says.
Megan Devito:So here are some examples. Moms should love spending every moment with their kids in a spotless house and be grateful for meltdowns and messes, because you'll miss this someday. I do not miss meltdowns or messes and I really enjoyed my time away from my kids and I love them like crazy. But if you are basing that, if that is your foundation for what you think you should be, no wonder that you feel like you're not good enough. You're human. Women should be a certain size shape. Women over 40 shouldn't wear tank tops, men shouldn't wear pink or cry All somebody else's idea with no basis at all.
Megan Devito:In fact, if you believe those things, you're going to feel like you're a failure or that you don't fit in or that something is wrong with you. Here's another one; your spouse should be your best friend and if you love them, you'll gush about them on the internet. Gross and no, that is not true for me at all, and if I would adopt that as the way my relationship should be, I would think I was a terrible wife or that something was wrong with my relationship. I just choose not to believe that. I don't think it's true at all. My spouse is not my best friend and you barely even see a picture of him on the internet. He's a great guy, but I don't need to gush about him on the internet. Things are fine.
Megan Devito:So if you don't fit into those categories or whatever other category that you think that you're doing something wrong about, or you think that you're not as worthy or as smart, or as beautiful, or as good of a mom or a wife as someone else, these can all get stuck in your brain and once the thought is there, it causes an emotion and it can get stuck when you don't flush it out. Self-esteem issues can show up in your home life or your work, or with your family or your friends, and even stay locked inside your own head where nobody else knows or where you think no one else knows. When you feel like you're always wrong, you don't fit in, you don't deserve good things, or maybe that nobody likes you or cares about you because you're too much or not enough or whatever else your thoughts are making up, you'll start to behave like those thoughts are true, so you'll do things like overachieve or try to be perfect all the time. So let's say that you have a project that you're trying to do at work and instead of saying I'm working on this project at work, you take the project home with you and you go in extra early, or you stay late, or you just go over and over and over trying to make sure it's absolutely perfect, which doesn't exist by the way, which causes you to doubt yourself, because you're aiming for unrealistic standards, like being the best all the time, never making a mistake, always having the perfect project or the perfect house and the perfect body or the job or the kids or whatever else is on your mind. Another thing that can happen is you're starting to look for validation on how valuable you are, or how smart you are, or how beautiful or worthy you are, at the mercy of everyone else's opinion, and yours doesn't matter, because, at the end of the day, when you spend all of your energy on what everyone else wants, you don't have anything left to give. You've given away your gifts. You don't have any gifts left to give; your time, your goals, trying to please everybody else, and the person who's not happy in the end is you. And when this happens, even though you might feel really helpful and other people might even thank you or tell other people even more people how you'll do anything for anybody, or all of these things how do you feel? If it is anything less than fulfilled or joyful or grateful, excited, then you're coming from a place of not feeling like you're enough and you are draining yourself. Because there's a difference between doing things for other people, because it fills you up and gives you joy and it makes you grateful to be able to give, and doing things for other people, because you're trying to prove that you're good enough that you're giving, you want them to like you and whatever else you're thinking. There's two very different thought processes and very different energies there.
Megan Devito:I want to tell you a quick story about a relationship between two people who love each other that is a little out of whack. I think it's important to remember that you can love someone and give your time and your gifts and your attention to them and feel really appreciated and really energized. Or you can love someone and feel like you have to spend more money and all of your time and do exactly what they say all the time to keep them happy with you. One is from love and one is from lack of love for yourself. You might love them, but you may not love yourself. So can you see the difference in the thoughts behind the giving and the love? One is a have- to or a should- do, whether the other is a get- to and a love situation.
Megan Devito:So if you find yourself in a place where you love everybody else, which is a beautiful thing, but you don't have that feeling about yourself, then it's time to take a moment and focus on you. I promise this isn't selfish and even though it might sound scary or threatening or maybe even impossible. It's going to give you more time and energy to love and to give to everybody else in the long run. We are conditioned from the time we're little to be givers, and that is a great thing. But there's that very cliche saying you can't pour from an empty cup and there are no truer words out there. When you don't have anything left to give because you haven't loved yourself and taken care of yourself, you are going to start getting stressed out and sick and depressed and anxious and all those other things. This is a necessity. It is not a luxury, it is not selfish. It is part of being the best person that you can be, not just for yourself, but for everybody else too.
Megan Devito:So let's talk about some simple things that you can start doing right now that will help you start to love yourself more. The first is the easiest, and it's just to pay attention to what you say yes to and to what you say no to. Don't judge yourself with this. Just be curious and notice how you feel when you say yes to helping somebody or to doing something and how you feel when you say no. So if saying yes instantly makes you feel anxious or you notice some pushback inside of yourself, then just get curious about what you made you say yes. Again, you don't get to call yourself a doofus or shame yourself here. The same is true when you say no. How did you feel? Did you feel guilty for saying no? Did you feel relieved for saying no? Maybe you're proud of yourself or suddenly you're anxious about saying no.
Megan Devito:Noticing without judging just helps you start to understand what you love to do and what your gifts are. So if you're not sure what's going on there, like I don't even know if I have gifts, just start noticing what makes you feel good and what doesn't. That's going to help you figure out what those gifts are. I can help you with this. It helps you also make time for the things that you love to do and it allows you to help other people doing the things you love to do, because the things you love to do are generally the things that you're probably good at, that light you up, that give you energy. Nobody wants you to say yes, then be a sad sack when you show up. We all know you don't want to be there and you know it too, so let's let somebody else have that. I like to explain it like this If you say yes to helping out a co-worker by covering for them while they take a long weekend, that's super nice of you.
Megan Devito:But then you've noticed that you're feeling overwhelmed with things that you needed to get done at home. Or maybe you feel guilty, because now you're going to have to tell your partner or your kids 'oh, I'm sorry, we can't do those plans that we had', Whatever it is, Even though it was really nice of you to say yes, and I'm sure your co-worker really appreciated it, it wasn't the right answer for you, at least not at that time. Even though your co-worker felt great, you ended up feeling resentful or guilty or overwhelmed or however you felt, so it wasn't the best choice. But here's the same scenario with a different outlook. Again, your co-worker asks if you can cover them so they can take a long weekend, but you check in with yourself first. You promised your partner or your kids that you'd do something with them and you're already busy. So you choose to say no and your co-worker is disappointed. But they ask another co-worker who ends up having no plans and who really needs the extra money to pay for their upcoming wedding.
Megan Devito:When you say no to something, that doesn't light you up, you open the door for somebody else to say yes, who wants to say yes, and you don't end up with that nasty feeling or just people pleasing and being nice. This is how checking in with how yes and no can build better boundaries and help you feel good about either decision, and it helps you realize that you're not responsible for other people's feelings, because it works out. When you don't say yes and then feel resentful, oftentimes they either come in and everything works out for them they would have to work later, and that's okay, or they find somebody else that really wants to do it. I see this a lot when people volunteer for things; Maybe it's at church, or they volunteer for things in their community and their thought often is well, if I don't do it, nobody will, and that's just not true. It's just that you're the person they go to because they know you'll say yes. But what if you said no? What if you said no and there was somebody else that absolutely loved doing that work and it lit them up inside? Then you're saying yes and feeling resentful is stealing their joy. You can flip these thoughts all around, but having those boundaries and knowing what feels good and what feels bad to you helps you start honoring yourself and honoring other people at the same time.
Megan Devito:So here's another thing that you can start doing right now, and that's paying attention to what you say about yourself. Do you tell yourself over and over that you suck at something? Maybe you have a habit of telling yourself that you're always messed up or you always quit, or you always say or do the wrong thing, and this is 100% not true, by the way. But when you're always noticing those things happening, you're making the thought hold on longer inside your brain and get louder Again. You have to pay attention, without judging yourself more than you are. When you say all of the nasty things already and just notice that, ask yourself if what you thought was actually true. This is coaching yourself, by the way, and if your answer is yes, it is absolutely true, then we need to talk, because I can guarantee you that a lot of the things that you say yes to yourself aren't actually true, and they're rarely true, and it's only your brain looking for all the bad and wrong things.
Megan Devito:This is called a negativity bias, and our brains are really good at it. Yes, mine too, everyone's brains. It keeps us safe. It keeps us from doing new things. I've talked about this before that your brain likes you to stay the same and not change. It's not your brain's job to make you happy or comfortable. It's only your brain's job to keep you alive. It's your job, your conscious brain's job to make you happy and to love your life. Being uncomfortable is just something that we need to learn to get used to so that it actually is motivating instead of keeping you stuck. So this is negativity bias.
Megan Devito:Like I said, just noticing what you said and asking yourself if it's true and then tell yourself what is actually true or what you would rather believe. Instead, your brain is going to run wild, telling you everything that's wrong or scary, or dangerous or bad, unless you decide to change what you're saying. It's your brain and you get to be the boss of it, but you have to do it on purpose. Yes, it takes intention and it takes practice. It's not something you're going to master in one day, but it's also not something that you have to deal with forever.
Megan Devito:Your brain actually changes all the time and when you start doing it on purpose, it changes faster than what you might think. So, for example, when I'm working with people and they have the support of coaching, they start to notice in as little as two to three weeks that they're not as negative as they used to be. Then they find things that they like to do and even love about themselves, and they start choosing different ways of being. And that's pretty fast two to three weeks, isn't it? And since I work with people for six months at a time, by the end of six months these new thoughts are automatic and they're thinking and living totally different, like in different ways, in so many different ways.
Megan Devito:It really is all about what you think and about loving yourself. It is a choice that you choose to think over and over again, and before long you'll start to notice that you're doing little things, like going to bed when you're tired instead of staying up to work later and longer. Or maybe you're saying yes to the things that light you up and letting other people say yes to the things that don't click for you. Maybe you've got more energy to have fun and you can think clearly and you notice that you're more creative. Maybe you're doing things that you thought about doing for ages but you avoided because you told yourself that things aren't things that were for you or that you're not good enough. So many things are just right there waiting for you when you learn to take good care of yourself. You do it for everybody else, but you deserve to be loved, not only by them, but especially by yourself too especially you.
Megan Devito:So if you're ready to start loving yourself more, I can help you. All you need to do is to find out how is to go to the show notes and click the link and schedule time to talk with me. This is called a consultation call. You can find that, like I said, in the show notes, or you can catch me on Instagram or on Facebook at CoachMeganDevito. It's all one word.
Megan Devito:So I'm Instagram. com CoachMeganDevito or Facebook. com CoachMeganDevito, and let's talk about how you feel about yourself now and what you want to be able to say about yourself, or feel about yourself or even do, because you deserve to love yourself and to feel good about who you are, and I can help you get there. I've seen these changes happen over and over, and every time it makes me so grateful that I get to be a part of somebody's story and watch them turn into the person that they always wanted to be. I cannot wait to talk with you soon. If not on a call this week, then I'll be right back here next week to talk to you again. Take care, I hope you enjoyed this episode of the More Than Anxiety podcast. Be sure to subscribe and leave a review so others can easily find this resource as well. And, of course, if you're ready to feel more relaxed, have more energy, more confidence and a lot more fun, go to MeganDeVitocom forward slash work with me, or just to the show notes to talk to me more about coaching. See you soon.