Do you wonder how much longer it'll be before someone finds out you're a fraud? If you're anxiously overworking, people-pleasing, and waiting for your luck to run out, check out Episode 66. In this episode, I'm talking about imposter syndrome, a condition that often slaps high-achievers, especially women, with anxiety and a struggle to own their success.
To talk with me about how you can feel more successful, more confident, and a lot less anxious, SCHEDULE A CONSULTATION CALL HERE.
Help others find this resource so they can calm, confident, and have more fun by leaving a ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ review wherever you listen.
Find me on Instagram
Find me on Facebook
Schedule your consultation and let's talk coaching!
Thanks for listening!
Do you wonder how much longer it'll be before someone finds out you're a fraud? If you're anxiously overworking, people-pleasing, and waiting for your luck to run out, check out Episode 66. In this episode, I'm talking about imposter syndrome, a condition that often slaps high-achievers, especially women, with anxiety and a struggle to own their success.
To talk with me about how you can feel more successful, more confident, and a lot less anxious, SCHEDULE A CONSULTATION CALL HERE.
Help others find this resource so they can calm, confident, and have more fun by leaving a ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️ review wherever you listen.
Find me on Instagram
Find me on Facebook
Schedule your consultation and let's talk coaching!
Thanks for listening!
Welcome to the More Than Anxiety podcast. I'm Megam Devito and I'm the life coach for stressed out and anxious women who want more out of life. I'm here to help you create a life you love to live, where anxiety isn't holding you back. Get ready for a lighthearted approach to managing anxiety through actionable steps, a lot of truth, talk and inspiration to take action so you walk away feeling confident, calm and ready to live. Let's get to it.
Megan Devito:Hey, there, you are listening to episode 66 of the More Than Anxiety podcast. If this is your first time here, I'm so happy you found this podcast and if you're back again this week to listen again, thanks for choosing to spend your time with me. So in this week's episode, I am talking about imposter syndrome, and often when I coach people or when I'm on a consultation call, I notice reoccurring themes, and this week, imposter syndrome came up three times in two days so it felt like the perfect time to talk about this topic and I've never really covered this one before. If you're listening and you're wondering when I'm going to finally make a podcast about something that you're experiencing or struggling with, I am all ears. Lots of times I take suggestions and I pull from what I'm already doing, but if you've got a request, you can jump over to Instagram or to Facebook and drop me a comment or a message. I am @Coach Megan Devito in both of those places. And just put in your request there. I'm here to help you guys feel better, and it just makes it so much simpler when I know exactly what you need, so don't be shy about asking. I promise you that you are not the only person in the world who needs help with whatever it is that's keeping you stuck. For this week, though, I'm going to talk about what imposter syndrome is and what it might be like for you. And this isn't a full list, because your brain is unique and your thoughts are too, but you will 100% be able to relate to these situations and if this is an issue for you. So I'll talk about coping mechanisms that you might use now to try to feel better or to feel less like an imposter, and I'm going to tell you why those things aren't actually helping you, and, of course, I will share with you what will help, so that you can start letting go of those thoughts about who you are and start finding out what you're actually capable of, so you feel great and you can go out into the world and do amazing things. That's really what we all need, isn't it? So let's get started by nailing down what the heck imposter syndrome actually is. You might have heard of this before and maybe you think that it could be you, but you're not totally sure, so I'll explain it like this.
Megan Devito:Imposter syndrome is a condition that lots of times high achieving, or successful, or really intelligent people experience when they feel anxious about their success. And even though these people are really successful in their careers or in their life, they don't actually internalize that. They think that success happened as an accident, or they feel like a phony or a fraud, almost as if they're lying or trying to hide themselves so that nobody will find out what a load of crap it is that they're actually doing anything good. They think that they'll be found out for what they believe that they really are, even though it's not true. This goes way beyond feeling like humble or having that nice humility and things like that. Which those can be good sometimes. But imposter syndrome is a lot deeper than that, and it keeps you from not only feeling successful, but it also makes you feel anxious about how long it's going to be before somebody finds out that you're not who you say you are, or that you've just been on a lucky streak, and then you think it's all going to fall apart and people will see you for who you really are. But that's just your thoughts, because you're actually really amazing and you wouldn't be successful if you weren't. And I know that that's rational and I also know that anxiety is not rational. So just note that this is a thinking problem about who you think you are, and that none of it's actually based on facts or your success, because you're doing the work and you see that you're successful, but the facts aren't being accepted.
Megan Devito:So you maybe you work and you over prepare or you overwork to keep people from maybe finding out who you think that you are. This is actually really exhausting, isn't it? And when you overwork, you get more anxious and the more you start to slide down into depression. It's just a really nasty cycle that you can fall into. So this cycle of anxious thinking makes you believe that the only reason no one knows that you're a phony is because you stayed up all night working, or you blow off all of your success and you call it luck, so that even when you actually do really really well, you don't accept that and you don't think that you're actually capable or talented or successful. So you just keep overworking and telling yourself that you have to, so that nobody really knows the real you, because if they did, everything would fall apart. And I'm all up in your head here. I'm not saying this because this is actually fact, right, because anxiety is always just based on those scary thoughts and those scary stories.
Megan Devito:And one thing I want to make clear is that a belief. So the things that you believe are just thoughts that you have on repeat. You can believe that the sky is orange if you want. Tell yourself that a million times and you'll believe it. We see this happen all the time with people and we wonder how could they believe that? Well, they've just told themselves the same thing for a long time and a lot of times we do it ourselves and we just accept that as the truth because it's in our brain and it's in our bodies and it feels true.
Megan Devito:And what I think is so interesting about imposter syndrome is that it's most common in women who are brilliant. So, as I was like researching and digging a little more into imposter syndrome, a lot of times they spoke about or they would write they about successful like women doctors, or women attorneys, or people who were doing these like, what I would consider like really big jobs, and they were the ones that would experience the most success, but also the most imposter syndrome. They're well educated, they're running their own businesses or their own medical practices, they're experts in their fields and they think it's all temporary and that they're not capable, or that they'll be find out at any moment. Whereas guys and yes, guys also deal with imposter syndrome, but men feel like the job was just too hard if they failed. Where women think that they weren't capable, what the heck ladies?
Megan Devito:I was actually talking to a woman this week who runs her own business for the first time. That's a hard thing to do and she's learning the ins and outs of how her business runs and what she has to do, and what she still needs to learn to do, and as the boss of this business, while she learns how to think like a boss and she admitted it's hard and yes it is, but as we talked, she told me that she feels like a failure and that her employees don't respect her, or that they think she's terrible at her job, and she just recognized that it was probably imposter syndrome. Her words, not mine. and she was spot on, though, and she knows herself really well. But knowing that you feel like an imposter doesn't stop those thoughts about actually being an imposter. It only lets you feel more like an imposter. So we have to work on what she thinks makes her an imposter, that keeps her doing everybody else's job or running herself ragged, because by the time she gets home, she's exhausted and she is just hating this incredible business that she built and that she really honestly said she wants to grow. And this is what it's like to be stuck in that cycle of coping and repeating, and coping and repeating. So the coping was 'it's okay, I'll just do it all myself. I'm going to get it done. I have to do these things myself because I'm the boss' and then I feel like an imposter because I'm exhausted and I don't think people respect me, so I repeat the process and I do everybody else's stuff. That's where we're stuck.
Megan Devito:There's different ways that people struggle with this though. You might notice that you're trying to do it perfectly every time so that nobody thinks you don't know your stuff or that they'll think they won't think you're a failure. Or you might think that you have to know everything about everything in your job or your field or whatever it is that you do. If you're a doctor, you have to know everything about the body and the medicines and everything. Or if you're a small business owner, you have to know every single thing about your small business. So let's say, for example, you own a bookstore I'm just throwing this out here. You have to. Your thought might be I have to be able to recite every book ever written by a particular author on demand and know where to find it and how much it costs, and all the information all the time, or people will think that I'm not smart enough or capable enough to own this bookstore or whatever it is. A doctor, or I have to know every single law and every single caveat to every situation to be a good lawyer. Not true, none of that's true.
Megan Devito:Another way you might struggle with this or with imposter syndrome, might be when you think that you have to be able to do everything on your own without any help. So you do all the work, you have to know all the things, and anything less means something about your success or who you are. So you're not only think that you need to know everything about your business, but you should always come- it should come straight out of your brain and out of your mouth without having to try to remember it or without a delay; no pause, like you asked me a question, boom, it's out my mouth because I know right now I have to know everything, 100% right all of the time. No help, or you're a fake. If you have that thought, that is imposter syndrome.
Megan Devito:So when you're in this place and you're holding yourself to these impossible standards, you start to notice that even when you're successful and your business is thriving and you have happy and healthy patients, and you're winning court cases, and you're writing incredible proposals, and you're selling out your cupcakes, or your quiches, or your flowers, or your services day after day, you're still telling yourself' it's nothing', 'it was just luck', 'it wasn't that big of a deal', 'it was a fluke'. Basically, you're not taking credit where credit is due and that makes you work harder and longer hours, or it might make you ask other people if they're happy with your work or what they think you need to do better; and not in the sense of wanting to have ways to improve, but with the thought that they'll see something bad in you If you don't do whatever it is that you think you're not doing now. Does that make sense? Can you see that subtle shift there? One is asking for constructive feedback to get better, which is fantastic, the other is to find the holes where they might be able to see that you're not who you think or who they think that you're pretending to be. Did I get that sentence out right?
Megan Devito:So, working hard and doing your best, of course, is fantastic, and it's required for most people to be successful, but so is being able to recognize your success, and that is where the disconnect comes in. It can feel really good to work hard. You can get these incredible endorphins from hard work, but when that work is keeping you feeling safe from being seen, or when you think you're an imposter but you're working ungodly hours and trying to be perfect to know everything is -you're exhausted. And then you start to get depressed because you feel like you can't keep up and you're not good enough, and then you burn out and you'll wind up wanting to quit the business that you worked so hard for and that you loved. You'll be depressed from seeing all these failures in your mind over and over again and you're going to wind up sabotaging your own success so that you actually do fail on purpose, so nobody has to see you fall apart.
Megan Devito:So I see women working their asses off day after day to be the best mom, or the best writer, or the best strategic planner, and the best student, always thinking that they have to stay extra successful but also stay on the down- low because they're afraid of being seen. Because if they are seen as successful and strong, sometimes they think they don't deserve it and other times they think it's just gonna fall apart, so they go ahead and take care of that themselves and they give up, or they pull back, or they drop out, or they quit their business or their career. But here's the thing, here's what I get to see; you guys are brilliant and I know there's part of you that knows it, but the other part of you thinks that if you aren't perfect all the time or if you don't know everything, that it's not enough. And I see you guys, and I see what you're saying to yourselves, and I see how that plays out in your day to day lives.
Megan Devito:This is how I help people though; I'm talking with you every week, right. When I'm coaching women, I'm talking with them every week and I start finding these things that they say on repeat. You keep telling me this, tell me more. Tell me why you believe this, and I help them find evidence. I help you find evidence for what it is that's actually true and to start calling out the nasty things that you say about yourself so that you can start changing your story. And remember, your brain believes whatever you tell it over and over again. So when you know what you really are afraid that people will see, which actually is just what you believe about yourself and not what anyone else believes, then you can start finding truthful thoughts and you start to challenge yourself, and you start to actually fail on purpose. Yes, actually do things that allow you to fail and then move forward without fear. I swear this is possible and I see people do it all the time. And here's what this looks like.
Megan Devito:Whatever you're thinking now about, who you are or who you're not comes out in the things that you do on a daily basis and the things that you say on a daily basis. And since you are saying them to yourself and you already believe it, at least part of you already believes it, it's really easy to skim over those things because they feel true in your body, it's hard to see them. So when I start working with you, we start by setting goals and figuring out what is important to you, like why do you wanna run a flower shop? Why do you wanna have a life outside of being a full-time mom? Why do you wanna go to the next level of your career? Why do you wanna be a med student? Why do you wanna open this new restaurant in town, whatever it is? I wanna know why. Why do you wanna go to the next level?
Megan Devito:Whatever your struggle is, we go from there and then, once you know what you want, we start paying attention to what's going on in your life that makes you feel anxious, and then we see how it feels in your body and what you're thinking about, who you are. When you have that feeling, we find out what you're capable of and really actually what you're afraid of, and all of these things come together in questions that we ask I have lots of questions to see what's tucked away in your mind that makes you feel like a fraud or like a phony. So over time we change those stories using different tools, everything from journaling to mindfulness maybe meditation. We start finding compassion for the part of you that feels down on yourself and we start building your confidence through little activities. That works for you.
Megan Devito:Never, ever, am I gonna make you do something that you are like. I absolutely refuse to do this, no, no, no. You have had so much say in this. This is your life and your process, your business and your brain. I want you to have agency in this and you get to find new ways to connect with other people who build you up. So maybe you join a book club or maybe you join like a local charity organization. Maybe you start volunteering and you start meeting other people who are also working towards big goals and they start to encourage you and you start to reach their goals and you start to help them reach their goals, which is so much fun. You also get to learn how to calm your body when you're anxious so that you can do the things that you avoid.
Megan Devito:Now, when you start thinking that you're an imposter, you start proving your anxiety wrong and moving closer and closer to what you want instead. This process is really fluid and different for every person I work with, because you want to be sure the steps that you're taking and the strategies that you're using first, we want to make sure they work for you, of course, and second, that they get you to where you want to be. And this is what's so great about working with a coach you get to see past what you're thinking and you have somebody to help guide you and stretch you, even when it feels uncomfortable. Because, let's be honest, change and really looking at yourself with honesty is going to be uncomfortable, but you get to look at what you want, which is really what you need, isn't it? Of course, yes, you can do this on your own, but for a lot of people, since we are creatures of habit, it's kind of hard and, honestly, it's a little overwhelming and scary sometimes to try to change without seeing what you're doing that is keeping you stuck and feeling rotten.
Megan Devito:And I have personally worked with women who have changed the trajectory of their careers. They have gone from feeling like a terrible mom because they were too anxious to connect with their kids to being present and having fun with their kids And with women who are hiding out of fear of being seen to starting their own businesses. And women who've let go of abuse in the past and fear and started new lives full of love and confidence and new marriages. And when you let go of the story about why you're not enough or why you shouldn't be seen or successful, you start sharing your gifts and your light with the world and my friends. We need so much more goodness and light in this world, especially from women. So to talk with me about how I can help you, you can go to the show notes and you can schedule a consultation call.
Megan Devito:I've posted a link there. It's super simple. You click the link, it brings up my calendar, you pick a time that works for you, and then you call me and we talk on the phone. It's all about you, about how you're feeling right now, why do you think you're an imposter.
Megan Devito:Tell me what's going on, what are people going to find out and we start finding out what you would rather feel. What do you want to do instead? If you didn't feel like an imposter, what would be happening? That's a really fun conversation where you get to start seeing what's available to you when you're not stuck feeling anxious and like a big phony. So, like I said, you can go to the show notes or you can find me on Instagram or on Facebook. I am @coach Megan Devito in both of those places. If I don't talk to you before, I will be back again next week. Take care. I hope you enjoyed this episode of the More Than Anxiety podcast. Be sure to subscribe and leave a review so others can easily find this resource as well. And, of course, if you're ready to feel more relaxed, have more energy, more confidence and a lot more fun, go to MeganDeVitocom forward slash work with me, or just to the show notes to talk to me more about coaching. See you soon.