S1 EP1: My Diagnosis

On 10 February 2007 Manisha's world changed forever.  

This episode is about the lead up to my diagnosis, the time itself, and how that fateful day over 15 years ago completely changed my outlook on life.

I wanted to start this series by sharing my story so you can hear where I'm coming from.  But this squad is all about creating a conversation, and I'd love to hear from you too.  Please send a DM or, even better, a voice note on Instagram with any thoughts or experiences you'd like to share.  My handle is @diabetessquad.

Transcript

Opening Story

In 2007, I was at university. 

It was my second year studying. BA graphic design at Campbell world college. was pretty much loving the experience. 

 we were just sort of coming out of a snowstorm that had happened across the United Kingdom.  during this time, especially just . After January, going into February, as a cohort, as a year group in our second year, we were in it. 

 Like we were absolutely gripped with our tutors.  Like there was this thing in my brain that just woke up and I was like, everything makes sense. 

  We were studying a typography project,  I remember it well because I absolutely loved it.   So we were looking at how, say, the word. Morning, for example, when you wake up in the morning,  how some of the letters could represent an eyelid or a half open eyelid. 

So just making those little changes to the letters could represent the actual action of the word and working on it was super intense because.

having almost like my mind, just fully explode with all these ideas, just flooding in and having the equipment, you know, we could just go in. work away independently was just amazing.

 It was almost like a playground for young designers. That's literally how I can describe it. Like it was sort of like the Disneyland for young designers. 

that time actually is quite, interesting cuz it fills me with really great memories because I was loving university life.

I was loving the projects. I was really getting to know my peers,  really learning like new craft and skills that I've never, ever, ever been exposed to before.  

  The. After university experience was just as important, it wasn't just about getting your work done or staying late at university and letter pressing away into, you know, the early hours. It was also about socializing with like-minded people,  talking about design beyond the classroom, so to speak and.

We would all just get together and get on a bus and make our way down to say elephant and castle. And We'll have a brilliant night of listening to live music,  up and coming artists.  Indie nights  were definitely,  a  favorite for me.   

It was just, just, wow. It was amazing. 

 Other than the fact that we were getting over this snow storm that happened between January and I guess the beginning of February, I was so excited about Kings of Leon dropping their new album because of the times, cuz I was just like so pumped and so excited so much so that we book tickets to Besim my first ever music festival. 

  It was like a coming of age because I was being exposed to, just beyond the textbook type of life skills, listening life bands and going to comedy nights, going to new restaurants. I remember trying like sushi for the first time in Chinatown.

Bizarre, but I was having such a great time,  sort of early February 

 and then, well, things just took a bit of a turn. Everything changed literally in a matter of days, it all changed.

Hello, welcome to the first episode of diabetes squad. 

My name is Manha Vima,  and this is a podcast about the highs and lows of having type one diabetes.

This squad is for everyone.  If you're recently diagnosed a seasoned pro, or you just wanna know more about type one diabetes, I'll be sharing my experiences from diagnosis  to the everyday hiccups, even the things that I continue to learn everyday. 

I'll be having really honest chats along the way, I'll be speaking to lots of type one diabetics. And also non-diabetics. 

If you wanna share your thoughts or if you have any questions at all,  then my DMS are certainly open. 

I'm at diabetes squad on Instagram And please share your thoughts and your stories use the hashtag diabetes squad 

I'm really looking forward to seeing them, by the way, 

on this episode, can you believe it, the first ever one I'm gonna share with you my story

and for that, we have to rewind to 2007 

I was diagnosed sort of in the middle of having a lot of fun is how I would describe it.

Before my diagnosis, about two weeks before I was diagnosed, I was feeling super rough. I just thought it was because I was at university and  some of the deadlines were quite tight. Sometimes we had 24 hour deadlines or 48 hour deadlines for, you know, producing it in magazine or et cetera, et cetera. So I just thought. Okay. I'm just feeling a bit like, you know, horrible in terms of tired, not really hungry, which is quite unusual for me to not be hungry,  and quite thirsty, but I just thought maybe I was dehydrated and also.

Including going out and partying

But then it got to a point where I was at my parents' house. And I distinctively remember sitting next to mom on the sofa and we were watching,  who wants to a millionaire on the television.   must have been Chris Tarrant days, I think in 2007.

And I couldn't read the question like on the screen.  and I just thought that's odd. I can't read it  not because I didn't understand the question. But the letters were sort of bunched together or they were a little bit sort of distorted.

I didn't say anything. I just thought, oh no, something's up, but I didn't wanna obviously allow my mum.  a week went by back to university. at that time I was living with mom and dad.  I was commuting from Harrow into can. Well, and I remember as soon as I got to university, I was like, I need to go to the bathroom.

I just really need to like, literally pass you in and must go to the bathroom immediately. And I generally thought I'll wet myself. In fact, I might have even warned like, a pad or something like literally, cuz I was so worried that I would wet myself. And then all I would think about was either really cold seven up, which I think many diabetics have said something really similar.

It had to be cold. It had to be seven up or get very grumpy.  or also just water jugs of water that were free at university. And. That jug of water was like, you know, almost like my Haribos that are now, like I really needed them and I wanted it. It was crazy.  and then soon as the unit had passed, obviously i'd feel great.

And then about half an hour later, the same cycle will happen.  So once again, that clearly, like had no effect on me. I thought this is fine. Something's happening, but I just didn't wanna acknowledge it.   

I think with many diabetics who know something's wrong.  who are old enough to understand that their body's not right.

 they just don't wanna acknowledge what's happening because you don't wanna believe that something's wrong.


I woke up in the morning on the Saturday. I had a part-time job,  in central London, in John Lewis. 

I just didn't feel well enough to even get dressed. I reluctantly,  wash my hair, got ready, put my suit on, put my name badge on and all that jazz. And I went downstairs for breakfast. And I just said to my mom, I think I just need to call in sick. I don't feel very well at all. 

So. She cut me an apple. So I didn't feel like even eating my beloved Cheerios. And I just had the plate on my lap and I just slumped on the sofa. 

Subconsciously I could hear mom and my brother talking about, I think we need to call an ambulance or should we try getting her to hospital? Cuz something clearly is wrong.  I do remember the process of  putting my trainers on like my green converse. And I do remember putting on like a hoodie. It might have been my brother's hoodie and getting into the car and just sort of feeling I felt like I was curl up, Very  lethargic and a bit. I mean, floppy, that's the best word I can use to describe it. 

And the next thing I remember, I was at Northwick Park Hospital and that was weird.  In hospital, the things I remember is sort of waiting in the a and E they got me onto a wheelchair, cuz I literally couldn't hold myself up to even walk.   I remember it was scary because my mom's face.

Really hard to look at. I believe she knew what was going on, but neither I, or her, or my brother wanted to put a word or diagnose it or say what  it is. because  I guess the reality of  how it affects all of us who are diabetic in terms of. It's our responsibility to keep ourselves alive.

And in terms of my mom, I think she realized I was still so young.  well, what like many daughters are to their parents, despite the fact they're 20,  that I couldn't deal with it. It was a lot to deal with. 

So going into hospital and the first thing I do remember, or when I was in and out of consciousness, I guess, was they did a finger prick.  which many of us are used to, and the finger prick. determined that my sugars were extremely high. 

I was 33, which is that's super high. So for  non-diabetics  33 is definitely when you call an ambulance,  that's danger zone, full-time danger zone. You know, average sugars of a non-diabetic is between five and seven. For myself, It's probably between, five and 13 , which is fairly high, but compared to 33, I think it's okay.

So once again, in and out of consciousness, I sort of woke up,  I guess 20, 24 hours later  an ward, which wasn't very pleasant, especially when you're by yourself for the first time mixed ward as well.

It was quite noisy. Couldn't sleep very well 

 in the morning. My  brother came to see me  I did ask for, my very pink iPod nano and I just needed my music. I just needed music. I needed something that was normal normality for me, was listening to my favourite bands.

Interestingly, I wasn't diagnosed with type one diabetes. They actually didn't know what I was, which sounds bizarre. I think a few people. Actually gone through this.

So when I woke up and I was sort of wired up in the mixed ward, they were giving me insulin and they were keeping me hydrated, but they had written on my board that it was like nil by mouth. So I wasn't really able to eat anything. I was just getting my nutrition and fluids through the drips.

They did mention  if there's diabetes in the family. And I said, Nope, not. As far as I know, they took about, I would say a day or two, maybe a day and a half. In fact, to diagnose me 

At this point, they'd moved me to quite a comfortable room. Because I was finding it really hard to process the whole situation in the ward that I was in.

And there was a lovely nurse called Nina. And she came up with all her bits, which are now my bits. She came up with a pen, the finger pricker,  keytones sticks, et cetera. And she just very calmly sat on my bed and just said, so you are type one diabetic, do you understand? And I said, I think I do. And she said, you will now need to learn how to inject yourself.

How do you feel about needles?

 And I looked at her and I said, no,  I do not like needles. Very, very frightened. And because it's just the thought of it. No, no, thank you. So she said, well,  would you like me to inject you and show you how to do it for a split second? I did think, yeah, go for. But actually, I thought if I don't do it now,   if I don't do it for the first time, I'm just not gonna do it   

This is now my thing, everybody has a thing. I have to take that responsibility. So the first place I injected was around my belly button, which is quite common   it was bizarre because I felt like I have to now do this all the time and I didn't want to, so I had to, and also having, I guess my mum there with me, cause I was sort of fairly young.

You see on her face the responsibility that I will have, which she couldn't do anything to help me. 

I stayed in hospital  for another 24 hours, so they can monitor me. They were giving me meals by that point, which were diabetic friendly. At that point, I wasn't carve counting. I was just injecting in the morning and in the evening.

And then I came home where it was difficult to adjust because mom and dad didn't know what, like her for dinner.  I decided for the first six months, including my 21st birthday, that I wouldn't have any alcohol I would try to not eat any fast food for six months.  

I did finish  my second year at university and I was okay. 

You know, many people say, oh, at 20, not very young.

I think I was, I think I was quite young. I think I was quite naive. I didn't realize what was happening. But it was very difficult to adjust to carrying all the bits with me carrying the, the finger pricker,  the test strips, the insulin, making sure it's cool. It was difficult for me to adjust.  
At that time, I probably didn't realize what the diagnosis or being diabetic entailed. 

However, it really helped me find my self and it really helped me focus because I was at university. I was doing a course, which I really enjoyed. I was on a great time with all my friends and,  doing these like amazing projects and collaborative work without sort of an. I didn't really have an aim.

I was heavily involved in the printmaking studio, the letter print studio. It was very like anti-technology anti Mac. I was a purist in my design. And for anybody who has  done,  letter press,  prints, for example, you know, it's a labor of love. I'll tell you that.

There's no,  spell check on that.  so my university was really, I would say   old school in that sense, especially in my course, not to say there were people who were doing very amazing contemporary things, but I just was a very, very old school in that sense.

Unlike now there wasn't an emphasis of,  industry. Are you gonna work here? You're gonna do this. I did take it upon myself to do lots of, lots of work experiences  so for two summers,

I worked as a junior designer for Endor studios for big brother's big mouth. So I was actually a runner for the first summer that was diagnosed with diabetes. which the long hours definitely played in effect on my sugars, but they were great.

I was just going with the flow as many people do when they're at university, but I grew up quite quickly, I think.

  I had to take responsibility extremely fast in terms of making sure I'm eating, I'm drinking. I'm looking after myself checking my sugars, but one thing it made me realize, which does sound a little bit morbid is the fact that.

At any point in that I guess 48 hours of when I was feeling a bit off,  prior to going into hospital, I could have died. 

 With my sugars being 33. 

I could have,  collapsed, anything could have happened.

Knowing that, knowing this idea.  a rebirth as I like to call it, I am able to have more focus and most, certainly 100% I have more drive in the sense where if someone says to me, oh, Manisha, you know, you can't be a teacher. You're dyslexic. I am a teacher. I've been a teacher for 12 years.   I'm sadly, don't think it's had a negative effect. Of course you feel sad and low and annoyed various times throughout the day. However, so does anybody else about anything else?

When I say it gave,  me a new sense.  focus or drive. There was a song that really helped it. It was a song by Kings of Leon, not release album, track MC fearless, which makes me laugh every time. I say it because it literally made me feel like I'm not gonna fear anything.

I wanna do everything. I wanna travel. I wanna work here. I wanna do this. I'll start a business. And it really gave me the sense of you only have this one time to do whatever you wanna do. It,  kicked me up the ass and it made me realize that you need to stop wasting your time.

Manisha. You need to just stop wasting your time. Things are not just gonna fall in your lap. You just need to get on with it. You need to get those contacts. You need to work for such and such. You need to just feel like anything you set to your mind to, you will receive it. So just do. And yeah, I didn't ask to be diagnosed with anything, let alone diabetes that a lot of people don't understand how it affects you emotionally, physically, mentally, but I will still do what I have to do and achieve what I want to achieve  When I was diagnosed, I felt that I.

Didn't want anybody to have sympathy for me. I didn't want people to hug me. I didn't want people to give me get well soon cards. I didn't really wanna acknowledge it, but what I really found comfort in was this idea of having conversations with people, not necessarily about diabetes at the time, but just daily commentary.

What is happening in their lives, you know, sharing. Their routines, breakups, if they fancy someone. And that really made me feel like this sense of warmth.

So you've heard my story. You've heard how I was diagnosed. You've heard some of the well traumatic parts at the time of injecting and being definitely naive. You know, when I look back to the February, the 10th and then a couple of days after what I was still in hospital, I was really naive. I didn't realize the responsibility that I had and I'll have to have, but one thing it did do, or should I say diabetes has done is it's made me grow up. And if you're wondering, I did get to Besim. I had an awesome time. I saw Kings of Leon. I saw Arctic Monkeys. I saw Amy Winehouse.

I saw loads of people, a particular highlight was actually seeing B 52 and singing Love Shack from like the highest pitch. I can reach with my singing voice with my best mate, Becki. We had such a brilliant time.

And what that kind of taught me was that was a big test. Being able to manage my sugars, eat well with various things, such as the weather, camping, staying out quite late, listening to bands, feeling obviously tired and lethargic after we've all felt like that. After a gig, let alone a music festival in a foreign country.

 I do think back and I think I did all of that without wearing devices. I was still pricking my finger. I was still injecting with my quick pen and everything kind of worked out. It all fell into place. 

And one of the greatest things that I did learn is, you know what, Manisha, you can do this. 

Not only can you travel, not only can you, sustain the energy needed to listen to life music, but it all worked out in the end. Anything else I can add. What's the, what's the Manisha like thinking back, like, how are you?

What's the Manisha like now compared to 2007? 

So looking back at, you know, I would say Manisha, February the ninth, 2007, the day before I was diagnosed. I was really young. I was really excitable. I think I still am excitable. Um, but I was so unaware of opportunities that were around me. I was sort of, I would say like bumbling along.

I was sort of going with the flow and. Now, you know who I am right now. I'm definitely more of a go getter. Or if I put my mind to it, I sort of work towards achieving it. You know, the kind of mantra of, you know, see believe achieve is something that has stood by me. Since my diagnosis, it really helped my mindset to just, if you want something or if you wanna, you know, achieve something or you wanna change something in your life, for example, just do it, just do it because you were so close to the end.

And, you know, for most of my close friends and loved ones, they know that on February the 10th, I celebrate it as a birthday. It sounds . Really bizarre.  maybe you do this or friends that, you know, are diabetic might do this. for me, I'm like, that's almost like a rebirth and it always makes me feel grounded.

I'm very grateful for who I am and where I am and what I've achieved. And that's quite empowering for somebody who does have a lot of responsibility on their shoulders, 

Thank you so, so much for listening to this, the first ever episode of diabetes squad,  I wanted to share my story first, so you can hear from where I'm coming from.

I imagine some of what I felt and how I felt at the time has most certainly resonated in you. 

 If you wanna share your thoughts and your experiences, then, please, please. Don't be shy. You have nothing to be shy about. Trust me, Send me a DM on Instagram. I'm at diabetes squad. 

And remember to use the hashtag Diabetes Squad too.

this podcast is written and presented by me, Manisha Vadgama. 

The producer is Matt Wareham. 

It's a Depictar production for Diabetes Squad