Season 2 Ep 8: Avoiding Family Drama During the Christmas Season

Christmas is the season of joy, love, and...drama? Let’s face it, the holidays can sometimes bring out the worst in our families. We've all been there - from Uncle Larry's incessant political ramblings to the simmering tension between your sister and her spouse. But what if we told you that you could take control of these situations, navigate tricky family dynamics, and truly enjoy your holiday? That's what our latest episode is all about!

We dive headfirst into the meaty subject of blending holiday traditions in a marriage. We expose the raw and real experiences we've faced while managing car rides filled with antsy kids, and the challenges that newlyweds or blended families confront when integrating differing traditions. We learned, sometimes the hard way, that prioritizing your own family's needs over trying to keep everyone else happy is the key to a peaceful Christmas. We also stress the importance of setting boundaries, not just for your sanity but also to foster a healthier relationships with your loved ones.

Lastly, we discuss the elephant in the room - forgiveness. As we reveal our personal experiences, the power of forgiveness becomes apparent, especially when it comes to family. But, we're not talking about shallow "forgive and forget" kind of forgiveness; we mean the deep, let-it-go kind of forgiveness that brings true peace and joy. So, sit back, tune in, and get ready to make this Christmas the best one yet – filled with love, connection, and positivity. Let's journey together to create beautiful Christmas memories.

Transcript

Avoiding Christmas Family Drama

Kimberly 0:21

Welcome back. And today we are talking about avoiding Christmas drama.

Danny Ray 0:26

Family drama? It's never happened to anybody. We don't know what you're talking about, babe.

Kimberly 0:31

Yeah, our Thanksgiving was just perfect.

Danny Ray 0:35

No, it was actually not, but yeah, but that wasn't a drama as much as just hardship and having your mom for the first time in the hospital during On a holiday.

Kimberly 0:46

yeah, yeah that was more just, difficult and navigating that as a family and difference of opinions and all these different things, sure but yeah, and sometimes we can't avoid it, but other times there are some specific things that we know are going to happen or there's potential for these things to happen when we're getting ready for the holidays, getting ready for Christmas, and there are ways that we can avoid some of the drama.

Danny Ray 1:15

So yeah, so we were going to look at that today is how do we avoid family drama and really connect well and make the most of the season. How do we be present and really try to draw close to Christ during this? I feel like one of those things like there's so much focus on the commercial Christmas that we miss the center of Christmas, which is Jesus, and we can get caught up in so many other things and, with the best of intentions, we could still miss out on so many great opportunities, which are being with family and loving our neighbors and connecting with people that we might not have seen in a while. Even when you have crazy families, there's still opportunities to be a blessing, to speak words of life and encouragement.

Danny Ray 2:05

So we want to look at that today. How do we really One of the things that I am stumbling over words here, but that's okay, but we want to look at how do we avoid that family drama. That's what I was looking for, but I was trying to say it at the same time is we really want to not just avoid but create these great experiences? So on one hand. We're running from things that might trip us up and we're running towards something that will free us and something that will create great memories for us.

Kimberly 2:40

Amen. That is a biblical principle that we try and put into practice all the time in our walk. So avoiding some of the drama means talking through some of the potential landmines, potential hiccups, however you want to put it right.

Danny Ray 3:00

So what we look at is if you have a stage as a magician right. I'm on a lot of different stages. It'd be interesting if I would have taken a picture of every stage. I think it's probably thousands and thousands of stages.

Danny Ray 3:17

And I've only tripped on three of them and almost broken a couple of things, but thankfully have not One of them. At a men's conference they all laughed and they just thought it was the funniest thing. That's part of the show and I'm like, well, that's just the way that goes. But is I look at it like a stage that has trapdoors in it? Oh, and a great stage might have one or two trapdoors, but in terms of stage. But for this analogy, when we're looking at our marriages and there's 25, 30, 40, all of a sudden it's just like how do I walk across the stage Sounds?

Kimberly 3:57

terrible. You don't want to walk across the stage with that many landmines Any moment.

Danny Ray 4:01

my spouse could pull that trapdoor and it's like, hi, you did this and just looking for those ways to trap your spouse and go like.

Danny Ray 4:08

You always do this and it feel like, or it doesn't even have to be your spouse in these situations. Sometimes it's another family member that says something, but you take it out on your spouse, or you get frustrated with your spouse and it's not even about them, but you can't yell at this other person or be frustrated with this other person, so you take it out on one another. So how do we avoid these pitfalls, these trapdoors?

Kimberly 4:36

Yeah, A huge part of that is really just carving out time to have a conversation, just the two of you you and your spouse and going OK, let's picture this together. How's this going to go? Are we going to this Christmas party? Are we going to that one? Can we do them all? Maybe it's too much, Maybe one of us cannot handle all of that.

Danny Ray 4:57

We will teach you a secret word that not many people know. It's two letters N-O. Don't tell anybody about this secret.

Kimberly 5:07

I've been accused of using that word a little too much. So some of us might err on the other side, but more often than not, yeah, there are.

Danny Ray 5:13

There is power in in saying no to the right things.

Kimberly 5:17

Yeah.

Danny Ray 5:17

Because when you say yes, you are saying no to something else.

Kimberly 5:22

Yeah.

Danny Ray 5:23

Yeah. So just saying yes isn't always the right answer, especially when it comes to avoiding some of the family drama. There might be something. You just need to go. You know what this never turns out well for us.

Kimberly 5:35

Yeah, this isn't worth. Why are we doing this? Yeah?

Danny Ray 5:38

going to doesn't add value to our family. We're doing it out of guilt or obligation, not because there's any sense of want to be there, and so we're going to say no this year, yeah.

Kimberly 5:51

So yeah, saying no is a really good one, but talking through those potential hiccups for us, there were times anytime driving in the car, so we're not just talking about going to Wait when I'm driving or when you're driving. Oh, those are two totally different things.

Danny Ray 6:08

I thought they were the same. I thought when I was driving, you were driving.

Kimberly 6:11

Oh, I'd like to be.

Danny Ray 6:13

That is the truth, but let's not go there, you know, over hitting that horn.

Kimberly 6:18

No, no, that's not what this one's about.

Kimberly 6:20

We'll tackle that another time you break about 6,000 feet before I word All right, all right, the other wives are with me on this, so don't even so moving right along. But it does mean that when we talk through the hiccups or the potential landmines or trapdoors we're talking about, okay, are you even going to go to this party or that party or say yes to this event or that event? So sift through it together, decide on what ones make sense for you guys as a family. You don't have to say yes to everything and then think through the actual practical part of getting your. Let's say you've got children, getting your children ready and dressed and you want them to all look amazing in their little cute Christmas outfits and you want them to show up at the party still dressed, all cute in their Christmas outfits and without throw up on a bride or whatever and so but life, life happens, and being able to roll with that.

Kimberly 7:18

I'm not saying I did great, but I've learned a lot and I feel like I might be able to do it better now Let me give you.

Danny Ray 7:27

let's back up and just look at the beginning of our marriage and how God's designed both of us and how what you're saying is like I could do it different now is because we've changed over the years. Going into the marriage, kim, you are like and I love this side of you but ultra super planner, every detail laid out.

Kimberly 7:50

I want to know. I used to be, yes, yes, I want to know it. You took that right out of me. Forget the plan. There's no plan. It's not going to work.

Danny Ray 7:59

Well, so you? Get it and then on my side, what's the plan? Let's just go.

Kimberly 8:04

Who cares, you know, if we get there late if we don't get there late I did care about, but the details of like the day didn't matter.

Danny Ray 8:15

It's like I don't all work out.

Kimberly 8:17

No, it does not just work out. We have to make things happen the way. I didn't realize you were making them work out. Yeah, welcome to the family.

Danny Ray 8:25

So now fast forward. There is a blend on my side to go like, hey, let's do some planning, and on your side, hey, it's okay if it doesn't all go according to plan. You have to look at what are your personalities and then figure out how can we blend those together. I don't want to say it's just compromise, but it's really. Really.

Danny Ray 8:48

God's brought the two of you together for a reason, and part of the reason for me was like that lack of structure wasn't the best, like purpose and design for who God's designed me to be, and you've helped me to become a better man in that area and vice versa. And so those are things that you can learn to help shape each other in terms of how God's designed you to be, without it being a forceful like hey, you have to do this, and nagging and all those things that will actually repel the other person.

Kimberly 9:20

Right right.

Kimberly 9:21

But in terms of having a conversation and talking about these things ahead of time, yeah, so talking through Each of the things, like I'm kind of going through every step of the way, if you say yes to the event or no to the event, if you have to get the kids ready or get yourself ready, make sure you have an actual amount of time that's appropriate to do that, setting yourselves up for success. I think that's really what you're looking to do with the getting in the car and you get the kids there to sing along, or the family event that you're going to, or all those things Talking through.

Kimberly 10:04

Okay, I need help with this asking each other for help and getting it ready. What's most important to you? That you guys have fun at the event, or maybe it really is legitimate that the photos have to look really good for you. That's important to you. Like, just communicating those things to each other is a big deal. And then, what time you're going to leave for the event, because you both need to be on the same page with that In the in the car rides.

Kimberly 10:34

For us, car rides with kids over the years have meant oftentimes visiting family in San Diego. So two hour car rides for us. We learned to basically ask our kids to not talk to us when we were in a transition and what that meant was when the free, when we're on the freeway, and it's pretty much a straight shot for most of it. But then we get off the freeway because we have to stop somewhere and the kids know just all of a sudden there's this big transition and the kids know to like, oh wait, I need this or I need that, or they start fighting over something, or you know, there was always, just inevitably there was something. And then they had to ask us a whole bunch of questions and it was like, okay, hang on, you've had the entire ride to ask us questions, but here we are getting off the freeway and we don't know where we're going, or we don't know what we're doing, or maybe traffic just got really bad there, and so we would just tell them hey guys, hang on, this is a transition.

Danny Ray 11:37

Yeah, that was the thing is. We would tell them, though, so it wasn't just don't ask questions. Yeah, yeah yeah, yeah, we're going to get off, get gas, we're going to grab some food and then we're going to do this. Everybody just hang tight, put this away, do this you know, so that we help them to transition. Well, oh, the other thing and this was our secret sauce that I forgot about is we gave them a warning on that.

Danny Ray 12:01

If we knew is because when we just would get off the freeway just turn to chaos. But when we learned to say, hey, in 10 minutes, and they would all look up like 10 minutes, you know, in five minutes, hey, we're getting off the freeway. Yes, but that worked 10,000 times better. So if you're yeah.

Danny Ray 12:21

If you have kids time those heads up, yeah and that worked for us in everything, whether it was going to bed, whether it was hey, we're all going to watch a movie together, we're all going to the movies, we're all going to LA, we're all, whatever that was as we would and I think we still do this and there are adult children. We're like hey, we're leaving here in 15 minutes hey five minutes. Everybody in the car. Hey, we are getting in the car now you know so but there's so much better at that.

Danny Ray 12:51

now they're just in the car. We're like where are they? Oh, it's just us. We're the ones running late.

Kimberly 12:57

I don't know if that's exactly how it goes, but moving right along. So, talking through all those things, having a game plan, it's just so important that you're on the same page when you're talking about holidays, especially let's talk about blending, not transitions blending traditions.

Danny Ray 13:20

Traditions, yeah, yeah is especially if you're newly wed or in that first five years you're still learning how to blend. Oh yeah, like do we go to my parents for Thanksgiving. Do we go to yours? If you're in a blended family, do we go to four Thanksgiving?

Kimberly 13:37

Yeah.

Family Traditions and Avoiding Christmas Drama

Danny Ray 13:37

Yeah, it gets really tricky and you have to be honest with what's best for your own family and not just looking to please everyone, because sometimes in trying to please everyone you end up pleasing no one yeah. Yeah, but I'll take a funny one for us. So growing up.

Kimberly 14:03

I didn't know it at the time.

Danny Ray 14:04

But when I was growing up, we always got our tree Christmas Eve and it was always really fast. It was always like get in the car, let's go, let's go, let's go. I didn't realize we were stealing the tree. That is just not okay, I thought getting a tree a month early when you wanted to do that babe, I was like what A month early we get it the day up Like there's a deal. No.

Kimberly 14:28

First of all, never okay to steal, and that is a bizarre tradition your family had. We laugh at it now and stuff, but I think it really did come from a place initially that they just didn't have the money. It was a large family and that was years ago, right? At least that's what I'm going to tell myself.

Danny Ray 14:45

You keep telling yourself that.

Kimberly 14:49

But yeah, for us, for our first Christmas, we definitely had to talk through expectations. We were living out in Colorado at the time and no family around, so that didn't. That wasn't an issue that year. But still, what traditions were important to you? What was important to me? What did we want to start together?

Danny Ray 15:14

And I think that's the key word is what's important to you. It's silly sometimes the things that are important to us.

Kimberly 15:22

Yeah.

Danny Ray 15:23

Early on. It was really important to me to have a live tree. We didn't cut it down. Your family would go cut it down.

Kimberly 15:30

Yeah.

Danny Ray 15:31

But so early on we did the live tree but we both found out I'm allergic. My kids were allergic.

Kimberly 15:37

Yeah.

Danny Ray 15:37

And I was like no live tree. This is the way to go and you were, like we need to go with an artificial tree, you're all allergic.

Kimberly 15:44

Look at your face. Yeah, Look at that kid's face. I don't care, Not to mention the price. Unfortunately went so high on the real tree. And then you're throwing it out, and in Southern California the sad truth is they don't last.

Danny Ray 15:57

They do, if you get it on the 24th.

Kimberly 16:00

Nobody's getting it on the 24th. We want it on right after Thanksgiving, so come on, but the heat just doesn't work.

Danny Ray 16:09

The silliness of that of like oh, I want a live tree versus artificial.

Kimberly 16:13

It is a big deal.

Danny Ray 16:14

Yeah, it could seem like, oh, who cares? But if that's important to you or that's a tradition, that's part of your family and you want that to be a part of the new family unit, you and your spouse, or you and your spouse and your kids, is talking about that and not trivializing it, is saying this is why it's important. It reminds me of these things and sometimes some of those are deeply rooted in stories or in family traditions and have a lot of power in doing that and continuing that tradition.

Danny Ray 16:46

So don't just trivialize it. Have that conversation but realize that that tradition might need to change or look different with you and your. I was going to say your current spouse and your spouse You're my first one, oh yes.

Kimberly 17:03

And guess what? I'm also your last.

Danny Ray 17:05

Wow, good to know.

Forgiveness and Setting Boundaries

Kimberly 17:08

That was a threat. So moving right along in ways of avoiding Christmas drama. The last thing we want to leave you with is dealing with family conflict, ways of setting yourselves up for success, and one of the basics is our culture tells us oh, you have to forgive and forget. Like that's what our culture says, and yet that's not what's biblical. God talks a lot about forgiveness. Absolutely, we are definitely called to forgive one another because he's forgiven us, and so that is absolutely imperative. And when we don't forgive, it's really hurting us the most. When we harbor resentment and anger towards somebody that's hurt us even family members right, that that's not.

Danny Ray 18:06

Let me, yeah, go ahead. Yeah, ephesians 432, it says this be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ, god forgave you, and this might be something that you want to talk to your spouse about or really just meditate on and really think about. How has God forgiven you in Christ? You know what length did he go to, how much did he forgive you? What's that look like for him?

Danny Ray 18:35

to forgive you and the more we understand the depth of that, the more we'll have the ability to be kind and compassionate and ultimately forgive other people of the offenses, because it's not that they haven't done something wrong, right, it's that they did something wrong and you were saying, even though you did this and it hurt me or it took away something from me, I'm going to forgive you in the same way. God's forgiven me.

Kimberly 19:03

Absolutely my caveats or my addition to that is.

Danny Ray 19:10

Wait, you're going to add to the scriptures. Go ahead.

Kimberly 19:12

No, no, no, not adding to scripture. Not adding to scripture.

Danny Ray 19:16

OK.

Kimberly 19:18

But In line with Scripture. Actually, we can forgive, and we are definitely called to, but we can also set boundaries so that we're not continuing to allow ourselves to be hurt by the same person over and over. So if you have somebody that's not safe to be around in your family, God's not asking you to stick with that. That's not biblical. So we have to forgive, but we also have to set boundaries. If you're not safe, If you're not being able to no, I get.

Danny Ray 20:03

What you're saying with the boundaries is we've got to protect ourselves and protect others, and I think sometimes we think of boundary. It's like a guardrail on the road right. It's there because, if enough people have gone off this road or off this cliff.

Kimberly 20:23

It's like hey as a city, as a community let's put a guardrail and protect people's lives.

Danny Ray 20:29

So they don't drive off the cliff, yeah, and so it's similar that way, where we're as a married couple, we want to put boundaries up in our relationship so that we're not just going off the cliff or we're not just injuring ourselves or somebody else because we didn't have boundaries for our relationship. And so when we look at family stuff, if there's somebody that every time you talk to them it's just a toxic relationship and they are saying things maybe body shaming, or maybe saying things that are just demeaning or not adding any value to your life.

Kimberly 21:09

Or blaming. I hear that a lot. They're just blaming them about things that they don't like, things that went wrong in their life, and they're just okay. Well, I'll blame it on my mom, I'll blame it on my dad, I'll blame it on somebody.

Danny Ray 21:20

Yeah, and so with those you could protect yourself. And even if it's a mental protection of saying, if they say this I know that these things are true about who I am, that I am a son or a daughter of the King of Kings, that I am loved, that I am chosen, that I am his beloved, that I am the apple of his eye All these things that we know to be true about who God's designed us to be. So when somebody's saying things, you don't need to be deflective or just respond out of anger or out of hurt, you could respond with gracious, with compassion, with love.

Navigating Family Drama and Forgiveness

Kimberly 21:59

And at the same time, that might look like walking away from the conversation. Right, that might be your gracious way of responding and that's your guardrail. I'm not going to sit here and take it. If I know that this is a brutal or an unkind conversation, you can dismiss yourself from it and walk away kindly or respectfully.

Danny Ray 22:25

And then on the other side of that is God does call us to love our enemies, and that does mean engaging and loving and being intentional about so. There might be somebody this Christmas season, this holiday season, that has just been against you, that you look for an opportunity to love them, to care for them, and that could look different for each person, but that's I think sometimes we forget that we don't just avoid enemies, but we want to connect. And or not connect, I want to, but to love them. That might look like praying for them.

Danny Ray 23:06

There's a number of ways that could express itself, but it's not always just avoiding that completely.

Kimberly 23:13

Yeah, that's going to depend on the person and what you can handle and what's appropriate that way. But yeah, it's definitely okay to set some boundaries. You know, I even even Jesus said hey y'all, I'm going to take the boat and I'm going over here. I've had enough of okay maybe he didn't put it that way, but it was he needed a break to go be with his father, to go, you know, and that's okay too. Maybe you're much more of an introvert and it's just too many people that you've been doing too much people and you need a break, and that's okay too. Knowing where your own boundaries are is okay. And to just take a minute to yourself and go Okay, no, I'm good, I'm going back out there and yeah so, yeah, so that particular story yeah, jesus is is he?

Danny Ray 24:16

he retreats for a little bit before he reconnects. I think that is a part of his pulse and sometimes we need to just retreat, connect with God and then go engage again. Yes, so these are a lot of ideas and thoughts on how to avoid family drama. Hopefully there's a nugget in there that helps you to really live it out this Christmas season, because we want to hear great stories and in really have you share some things that have transformed your, your family, traditions and transformed your life, because you aren't just giving into the drama that you're creating an alternative, which is to have fun and create great memories and to love others and to love your enemies and to do all those things that we're designed to do. And maybe even this season, there's somebody specific that you forgive, that has been somebody that you've been upset with for a while, and you go what it's time to forgive.

Danny Ray 25:18

As God has forgiven me. But, with that. I'm Danny and this is Kimberly, and this is we do, whatever it takes, thank you.