S2: Ep 9: 10 Ideas for Reducing Stress & Enhancing Communication during this season (Part 1)

Struggling to keep the joy and peace in your Christmas celebrations amidst all the bustle? We promise to help you navigate the holiday season with tips that will manage stress and expectations. This episode takes you through a journey of 10 significant ideas. We lay emphasis on financial planning, contentment, and joyful giving, not out of obligation, to keep Jesus at the heart of Christmas. 

With the holiday hustle in tow, effective communication and quality time often take a backseat in relationships. Let's break down how you can use inclusive language, understand your partner's perspective and choose the right time and place for discussions. Listen in as our guests, Emily and Danny Ray, share their insightful experiences on creating meaningful Christmas traditions. They offer valuable advice on being intentional, setting boundaries, and not comparing your celebrations with others. Make your holiday season memorable and special by tuning in to our episode!

Transcript

Danny Ray 0:21

Okay, so we realize that there's only 12 days left till Christmas, but stress is high and so we have. We have 10 ideas, so we're going to break this into two parts. How many? Two? Yeah, two parts. So there's 10 ideas. We're going to share five this time and we're going to keep ourselves on the clock. We've never done this before, but we want to make sure that we do around five minutes for each one of these ideas Could be three, could be seven, but right around five, first time we're ever setting a clock, but we're going to make this happen. So the first idea. So these are just to bring some clarity. These are ideas that we think couples struggle with during the Christmas season, and these will help bring anxiety down, help to keep you on the same page and really to help you to focus on why we celebrate Christmas, which is Jesus, and to keep him at the center of it all.

Danny Ray 1:15

So, here we go. The first one is financial stress.

Kimberly 1:22

What Financial stress?

Danny Ray 1:24

Yeah, I've hit the timer.

Kimberly 1:26

We are on, okay.

Danny Ray 1:27

So how can you help, babe? What do you think if people are struggling with financial stress, the tensions, it makes sense, right.

Kimberly 1:34

We have gifts that we give. We have baking to do that cost money. We have gatherings, all the parties, all the things right. So it makes sense that it's all of a sudden a lot more on your plate than it was all year, Not to mention whatever your normal stressors are. We've just completely added to them.

Danny Ray 1:57

Does Amazon deliver anywhere else? But here it seems like ding ding, ding, ding ding, oh come on.

Kimberly 2:02

I haven't even started Christmas shopping, so I know it's not me this year. Oh, wow, yeah, that's another thing. Yeah, financial stresses. So I think biblically we're still called to remember to steward our money well. So for us, what we finally figured out years ago was that we needed a fund, a savings account, where we put money aside all year so that we can and it's just little amounts, I promise you that get put aside all year long and then, ideally by October, november, we go oh okay, the Christmas fund is there.

Danny Ray 2:45

It's funded Right, yeah, so that's just learning to go like hey. Christmas sneaks up every year.

Kimberly 2:52

What if we start?

Danny Ray 2:52

planning for that, like it's going to be here next year too, so let's start planning.

Kimberly 2:57

It should just be in this adulting handbook I don't know if one exists, but it sure seems like. Or they should just teach kids that in high school. Hey, as soon as you're adulting, this is one of the things you have to do is start setting aside money monthly for Christmas, because, yeah, it's going to pop up every single year same time and I don't know why it shocked us for so long, but it did so.

Danny Ray 3:19

Remembering to be a good steward of our finances, our resources, which means trusting God with those things, I think that's one of the things with trusting God with your finances is, I think, sometimes not everybody, but couples we've talked to. There's a different mentality that you have during Christmas.

Danny Ray 3:40

It's like, hey, I'm a good steward all year long and then at this time it's just like let's put things on the credit card, let's max out, let's do the you know, let's go outside of our means instead of going like you know what we could get creative with gifts this year. We could make gifts, we could, you know, and we've done all sorts of things to try to keep in budget. But the key is is that whatever as a couple, you have decided, so that you stay on the same page, that you don't just go okay, I'm going to go wild on the spending and then that frustrates your spouse. So we want to stay on the same page and communicate those things really well.

Kimberly 4:20

What makes me think of the word contentment, which we don't usually ever think about. In terms of Christmas, we're thinking pretty much the opposite. We're thinking, oh well, I need to make a list of all the things that I want and that I want to give, and contentment's probably one of the farthest things from our minds. And yet we're called to be content in all circumstances. So yeah, just learning to be content, even in the financial stressors of Christmas time.

Danny Ray 4:59

Yeah, in first Timothy, 6, 6, it says but godliness with contentment is great gain, and so this idea of like we want to be godly people, reflect his love, his light, share his joy during this season, but we also want to have contentment as being satisfied with what we have knowing that God has given us everything we need for today, that he's in control, that he has a purpose, that he has a plan, and we're going to trust him.

Danny Ray 5:30

Today. It's going to relieve that worry and that anxiety about tomorrow, and this is what first Timothy says is godliness with contentment is great gain. So we'll experience just just a joy, I think, and a contentment as we just focus on what matters of loving God and loving others well during this season.

Kimberly 5:54

And going a different direction with this, but still talking about the financial stresses and just how to conceptualize finances during this time. I like this. This is not forgetting about being generous, but not from a oh, I have to give more and you know, and, like you said, not being debt. That's not what I'm talking about. But God loves a cheerful giver and I think about that a lot with tithing. I don't think I've ever thought about it with Christmas. To be honest, that's not my love language. It seems more of a chore if I'm honest and like, okay, we write down the list of all the people we have to buy for and then I don't feel like I'm great at choosing the right gifts for people.

Danny Ray 6:51

You do a fantastic job. I know you don't feel like you do a great job. You think that the rule?

Kimberly 6:57

I appreciate that, but that's only because I ask you what do you want and you tell me what you want, and that works for me. But anyway, so just remembering that God wants us to do it cheerfully, not out of debt, but yeah, giving because we want to, because we care about this person and, ultimately, when we look at giving, god has given us His Son and we remember that during this season, it's like he's given us everything, and so the gifts that we give are a small reflection of the great gift he's given us and His Son.

Kimberly 7:31

And that the finances we get aren't ours to begin with. Right yeah, that we want to hold those loosely and give freely, yep.

Danny Ray 7:40

Okay. Well, we stuck to under seven minutes with that one. Let's go on to number two, and this is expectation management. We talk a lot about expectations because we really feel like when you, as a couple, talk about what your expectations are, it's going to change the outcome in a really healthy way.

Kimberly 8:02

Yeah, absolutely yeah, I talk about this a lot. Unrealistic expectations can lead to disappointment. It is definitely crucial that we talk about our expectations and it really is moment by moment. I mean, there are already expectations in the normal 11 months out of the year, but then we add in Christmas and now we have additional expectations. Right, You've got lots of extra parties and gifts and like we talked about. So it's communicating with each other. Hey, doing a rundown really at the beginning of the day and going what do we have today, what do you have today? Okay, well, are we going to meet there at the kids program? Are we going to like what's your expectation, what do you think is going to happen? But talking about it preemptively avoids the conflict.

Danny Ray 9:01

Yeah, and even today, right, our expectation we were going to meet at 8.20. And so five minutes before I said or I text you, and I said 8.20 question mark and, for whatever reason, you responded back no, it's okay, I'm all no.

Kimberly 9:22

What's that mean? The?

Danny Ray 9:25

expectations 8.20,. No, it's okay. Like, is it okay?

Kimberly 9:30

Yeah, there was definitely misunderstanding in how I read the text previous to that and I thought you were saying you needed more time. So it can happen even with best intentions forgiveness right.

Danny Ray 9:43

Yeah best intentions and we want to be quick to forgive when the expectations are off. Yeah, so yeah, that's one of the key things.

Kimberly 9:54

Right so.

Danny Ray 9:59

So with forgiveness really quickly on. Forgiveness is being quick to forgive.

Danny Ray 10:04

We talk a lot about reset, the reset button is when you have an expectation that isn't met, you don't just want to be frustrated with that. You want to talk to your spouse, your loved one, and just go. Hey, this is what my expectation was, right or wrong? I thought we were supposed to meet at eight, 20. What happened? Oh, this happened. I was a miscommun. Okay, I was working on not just being frustrated but going like, okay, I want to forgive much, as God has forgiven me much. I want to forgive you much.

Kimberly 10:35

And embracing our imperfections. Right, we made a mistake. I made a mistake in how I read that text and just realizing that that can happen to anybody and it's not that big, I think.

Danny Ray 10:47

sometimes we think life's like this perfect Pinterest board or something.

Kimberly 10:51

Please, but it's more messy, it's a little bit. It's a lot more like the Pinterest fails.

Danny Ray 10:57

Oh, there we go, I like that Right, but we've got to figure out in the mess how do we care for one another and not have this perfect expectation of the other person.

Kimberly 11:09

Absolutely, and that takes if we're going to manage expectations it takes surrender surrendering to God, not leaning on our own understanding.

Kimberly 11:20

So the verse in Proverbs 3, 5 through 6 says Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways, submit to him and he will make your path straight. And that includes our expectations, surrendering that and trusting his plans. And I'll be the first to say, specifically in the last couple of weeks, that it has been super hard to watch a family member make choices that they know they shouldn't and choices that are hurting themselves and hurting others. And with that I have to surrender my expectations to God and trust his plan.

Danny Ray 12:03

I think, with surrender I think there's this idea sometimes or with forgiveness falls into the same category for me, as we go, okay, I forgive you, okay, god, I surrender, and then five minutes later we're doing the same thing. That's part of the plan. It's part of the process is forgiveness is a process. It's not an event. I have forgiven you. It is done, it's over with. Sometimes those feelings rise back up and you have to address it and work through the process of forgiveness all over again, or with surrender.

Danny Ray 12:37

God I surrender everything to you right now and five minutes later you're back doing the same exact things. It's like, okay, no, we need to get on our knees again and say, God, would you help me to completely surrender, and you could fill in the blank on what that might be for you. And that's a humbling thing at times to surrender, but that's part of just as we're looking at expectations surrenders. A part of that is we want to. When we look at expectations, we want to expect that our partners going to be in this process of surrendering, of being humble before the Lord, of continuing in the faith of like, no matter what happens, is we're on this faith journey together, together, yeah, yeah, for sure.

Kimberly 13:27

So surrendering our expectations to God, being humble in that and realizing you know both of you make mistakes, and then also having faith, remembering that his perspective is higher, his plans are better than ours. And number three we want to talk about jumping into number three. I like it. Communication breakdowns and communication is obviously a huge part, a key in any relationship.

Danny Ray 13:59

Thankfully we've never had any communication.

Kimberly 14:02

Not even this morning, pretty sure, we just admitted to the one this morning. But obviously with getting busier during the Christmas season, then there's more opportunity for communication to break down right. The busier you are, the more stresses there are. The financial stress, the stressors on your time, all contribute to the potential for a breakdown in communication.

Danny Ray 14:31

Jen. So as you're looking at this, you want to look at how can you build each other up daily right. When you're building each other up, when you're saying words that are empowering, that are encouraging, that are speaking life, that are speaking joy. It's going to help you to have just great communication. But this is a difficult one, is every day, you know you have to work on the communication and I almost think you need double effort during this season. I wish that wasn't the case, but for us at least, I'll say for us.

Danny Ray 15:06

We're constantly working on how can we have better communication during this season.

Kimberly 15:11

And a huge part of that with communication and, yes, we've talked about this before, but it is imperative, so it's not going anywhere. But communication is not just the speaking part, it is definitely the active listening part, right? So when you are speaking, if you're telling me, hey, this is the plan, or this is what's going on, or this is where I'm going right now, If I'm, or especially if you're sharing with me how you feel about something, or you didn't like something, or heard about something, or you did like something that I did or didn't do or whatever. So my job, then if you're bringing that to me, I have to be safe for you to share that with, so not have this huge reaction to it and to validate your feeling. It's not wrong Just because you say, hey, I was hurt when you said this the other day or this morning or whatever, and it's tempting for the other person to just go well, that's not what I meant, or you shouldn't feel that way.

Danny Ray 16:21

Right, it's getting defensive instead of being that active listener. Yeah.

Effective Communication and Prioritizing Quality Time

Kimberly 16:26

And that's really invalidating the feelings, right? If I did that to you, well, you shouldn't feel that way. Who am I to say how you should feel or shouldn't feel? Your emotions are your emotions and they're not. Nobody's emotions are wrong. They're having a reason for responding the way they are and or feeling the way they are and yeah. So being an active listener means, okay, I need to hear them and and validate it and go oh, okay, I'm sorry that it's that you feel that way.

Danny Ray 16:59

Yeah.

Kimberly 16:59

I'll bet that hurts and and then, after validating it, if given the opportunity to say really that wasn't my intent, but that doesn't mean that it didn't happen. I did hurt you and I'm sorry. Yeah.

Danny Ray 17:14

Right, so really quickly on just communication, effective, effective communication and we've talked a lot about this, but I just want to give you like a quick rundown or a recap. Yeah, so we talked about open, honest communication and you just talked about active listening. Yeah, you also want the right time in the right place right.

Danny Ray 17:35

Finding a good place. It's a healthy. You know, sometimes being in a public place might not be the best place. Sometimes it might be. You have to figure out what's the right time in the place to have this conversation. What you talked about of staying calm, right? Yeah, staying like hearing the other person and not just being like, oh, they're about to stop and I'm going to jump in and say something, right, right, using that we language, right, so it's not saying the other person, you did this, you did that, saying I am hurt when this happens. Yeah, we need to work on this together.

Danny Ray 18:11

You know that type of language that's not focused just you. You, you did this and just blaming, focusing on the issue, not the person. Right? A lot of times there's your, you're frustrated, but you take that out on the other person instead of going okay, this is what we're dealing with. For us this morning, it was a time issue. Yeah. So I don't have to say you statements of you never show up on time. Yeah, you know.

Kimberly 18:39

That won't go well.

Danny Ray 18:40

No, it's just saying hey, I thought we were going to meet at this time and talk about the issue Right, and the other one is seeking to understand how can you?

Danny Ray 18:52

understand this other person and what they're going through, not just trying to understand your own needs and your own wants, and then finding and we talk about this a lot, but I'm staying on the same page finding that common ground of where can you come to an agreement and not just going oh, we're just going to agree, to disagree, which might you might have to come to that conclusion, but there might be common ground where you can move forward. Another one is taking responsibility. Is it's really easy to blame shift? You go all the way back to the Garden of Eden and that's the very first thing that happens.

Kimberly 19:32

God, she did it. She took the apple.

Danny Ray 19:35

Right, it's, you immediately have blame. Yeah, but we want to take responsibility for what our involvement is in the argument or in the fight. Is it takes two to tango? What's your responsibility? Own it. Ask for forgiveness and work on reconciliation. And if all of this you've tried and you guys keep coming up against the wall and hitting the wall, this is where we would say find help. You know whether that's professional help, pastoral help, a friend that's going to help somebody that could help you to navigate, but don't give up, that was a long way.

Kimberly 20:17

Nice, so number four.

Danny Ray 20:19

Getting into communication, but yeah, so those are number four.

Kimberly 20:24

Number four All right, so lack of quality time real shocker during the holidays. That adds to the stress, right? So, as a couple, there are so many more things that we're obligated to do, or actually that's a huge part of it where we need to decide. Are we? Are we doing this because we're obligated? Are we doing this because we want to? I definitely encourage couples to really you know every invitation that comes across their desk, or their email or their whatever Think about it, talk about it together. Do we really want to do this? Is this you know? Are we just doing it because, oh, there's an assumption that we have to, or an expectation?

Danny Ray 21:05

And some of them you do have to.

Kimberly 21:07

Yeah.

Danny Ray 21:08

Like family parties or something.

Kimberly 21:10

Yeah.

Danny Ray 21:10

You might not want to go, but technically you don't have to.

Danny Ray 21:15

But it is part of the season, as you might end up doing things that you don't necessarily want to do. But how do you make the most of that? And I think this is where being intentional about quality time with each other and quality time at a party. One of our secrets for our marriage that works for us is, when we're at a party is to check in on each other, is not just to show up and be like see you in five hours. Love you, babe.

Kimberly 21:43

Yeah, I think you tried that somewhere in our first year of marriage and that didn't go so well.

Danny Ray 21:48

Right, and but it's. It's one of those things where it's like, oh, he's in an awkward conversation that's been going on for a long time. I just see him nodding. He hasn't said a word in 30 minutes. I'm going to go save him or at least check in and say hey, what's going on? You doing okay, you want some coffee, you know so.

Kimberly 22:11

Yeah, I'm laughing because I don't think I rescued you from one of those recently, but I can't win them all.

Danny Ray 22:17

Our daughter did. She did rescue you yeah.

Kimberly 22:20

Yeah, that was good, I did send her in for the rescue.

Danny Ray 22:23

So I guess now you're just sending people out indirectly yeah. So apparently you don't need to rescue. You could send in little elves, the team. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Kimberly 22:32

Send in the team, but I like it. So, speaking of team, we can't be a team if we don't prioritize each other, right. So we have to be like you said, be intentional about making time for each other, especially during the holiday season. The Christmas season and part of the quality time means resting right and it doesn't mean, oh, because it's Christmas time, we don't have to take a Sabbath. That like there's no, there's no precedence for that. Jesus, he took rest right.

Danny Ray 23:09

He found moments that he was like no, I need to go over here and he had a super busy schedule I think we forget, like you know, when he was doing ministry it was day and night, you know, and he still Got to meet with these people over here.

Kimberly 23:22

Oh, let me take the boat over here. I got to meet with these people and, yeah, it was a. If we put it in a day runner, a day daily planner, google Calendar, it would have been really busy, right.

Danny Ray 23:32

What's a day runner, babe?

Kimberly 23:32

I don't know sorry, that was really old school that don't exist anymore. I'm not sure that it exists, but Okay well, so yeah, jesus, he took the boat and he said peace out everybody. I need some time to go be with the father and he actually put them on the boat and he stayed behind.

Danny Ray 23:52

Oh, and he said, okay, I thought there was another time where he got it, but maybe not.

Kimberly 23:56

No, I will submit to you. On that I'm sure you're right. But also times where he climbed a mountain right, he was like I'm going to be alone with the father, Right? So that's still a priority for us too. Yeah.

Danny Ray 24:11

Just to spend time on our own reflecting on what Christmas means not just hearing about it, but just reflecting and thinking about what's it mean. To that God would send his son right.

Danny Ray 24:25

To die in our place, you know, and really thinking about the incarnation, that moment where you know a virgin you know that was predicted hundreds of years before would be pregnant with by the Holy Spirit, with a child, you know, and that child would be a manual, the one who would save us. And so the immensity of that and just being still and remembering that and maybe even doing that as a couple or as a family, and just remembering those times. And I think what's hard in our culture we have so many distractions. Times of silence are really hard, times to be still are really hard. But in Psalm 4610, it says be still and know that I am God Right.

Danny Ray 25:09

We have to be still long enough to recognize God's presence all around us, and I think it's in that stillness that we're really able to prioritize, you know, and go. Oh, these are the things that are important. Spending time with my spouse is immensely important during this season for us to do all the things we're talking about well, so I'm going to spend time with God and then, that's going to remind me to prioritize our relationship and connect with one another.

Kimberly 25:37

I love that. Yeah, yeah, for sure. The quality time. I am thinking back to when we had little kids, right, and that's definitely I have to acknowledge that that's a harder season to find time as a couple. And yet, maybe even more important, if that's even possible, that as a couple, if you can sit down, grab some time together, sit on the couch, watch maybe you can't get through a whole Christmas movie, but you know something, or something funny, a comedian, I don't know something that brings you both joy and just to commit, or to commit to that time, to be intentional, have some hot cocoa, maybe you put the kids to bed and you're like okay, I know we're both exhausted, but can we just be exhausted together and snuggle together? Snuggling sounds good, of course you like that.

Danny Ray 26:37

All right, let's jump into the last one for today. We're going to look at comparison with others. Yeah, you know, nobody's ever compared themselves to their neighbor. That's ridiculous.

Kimberly 26:50

Right. Our pastor even put up on the screen last week on Sunday. He said here's my neighbor's house and it was so decked out with lights it was incredible.

Danny Ray 27:03

Did you see that yeah?

Kimberly 27:06

And then he's like not to be outdone and he shows a picture of his and it's completely empty. They just haven't had.

Danny Ray 27:13

I mean that one looked like it was something out of a movie.

Kimberly 27:15

It did.

Danny Ray 27:16

Literally. This is my neighbor and it seemed like hundreds of thousands of lights and this massive house and the yard's completely done. The house went on forever. Yeah, yeah, price, see it from space.

Kimberly 27:31

But I love that he made fun of himself in that. But I think there's also just the example that we don't have to compete with neighbors, we don't have to compare and be like. You know, maybe they'd made a choice I don't know Pastor didn't talk details on that but maybe they made a choice, a conscious choice, to say, hey, we're not gonna get up on a ladder this year, we're not gonna worry about lights on the outside of our house, and maybe there's just a lot going on, and that's okay. Like there's no rule book that says you have to have lights on your house or you're not celebrating Christmas, that's not the comparison I think it goes so deep in our culture with all the social media apps that are out there today it's just like oh, look at what they're doing.

Danny Ray 28:20

Oh look at what they're doing and it always feels like we're doing less than everybody else.

Kimberly 28:24

Yeah, yeah, which can't be true, because if we're all feeling like that, but if we're all feeling like we're doing less than the other person, like, then it's a competition and that's not life. That's not or it's not a peaceful life, right?

Danny Ray 28:39

And this isn't unique to me, but comparison is the thief of joy, right Is when we start looking left and we start looking right and we're like, oh, they're doing so much over here, oh, their family is so much better. Oh, their celebrations look so much more fun, right, it just steals the joy of us celebrating together in our own way, whatever that looks like for your family, right?

Kimberly 29:02

Yeah.

Danny Ray 29:04

And that being content right, we want to have our own rhythms, our own strategies for how we create celebrations together. And whatever your journey is as a family, and however you celebrate is, don't compare what you're doing and think everybody else is so much better. Your traditions, your celebrations are yours, so make the most of those. I know for us, we created a new way, a new celebration during or a new tradition during the pandemic. On the pandemic yeah. On there. We, for the first time, weren't going to family Anywhere.

Danny Ray 29:47

And so and I know everybody was different during that season but for a variety of health reasons, we, not our- personal family Christmas Eve.

Kimberly 29:57

yeah, christmas Eve meant not going to visit anybody.

Danny Ray 30:00

Yeah.

Kimberly 30:02

And so we thought a lot of people can relate to that during the pandemic.

Danny Ray 30:04

During that, each family member created a room in the house where they could do whatever they wanted for the rest of the family. So one family member created some really fun interactive games. Another one dressed up and grabbed something to make it look like a pipe and darkened a room and did poetry.

Kimberly 30:28

Oh yeah.

Danny Ray 30:29

Yeah, you know, read poetry.

Kimberly 30:31

And one of my favorites was both of our sons joining together and making fun of you. Not making fun, but in a very positive and funny way.

Danny Ray 30:42

No, they definitely were making fun, okay, okay.

Kimberly 30:46

But they were pretending to be you doing magic at a show. I mean, we've seen your shows through the years, a lot of time and those are our dogs.

Creating Meaningful Christmas Traditions

Danny Ray 30:55

That's always fun. Hopefully that comes, but you know I've got nothing to say with that. So another one that we did that was fun was we created our own escape room at the house. My daughter and I created that, so that became a really fun tradition for us. But the point isn't our traditions, it's yours. What's God created uniquely for you and for your family during this season? Make the most of that, be intentional about that and don't look left and right and it doesn't. Yeah, yeah.

Kimberly 31:39

It doesn't have. Like, don't even look at our new tradition and think, oh, that'd be fun, we have to do that. No, your tradition could be hey, we're gonna it's nap time with our little ones and we're all going to sleep under the Christmas tree and like it's, it doesn't have to be this big thing. The moments that, well, we've learned anyway, the, the moments that your kids love and remember and talk about, are often not the ones that you've thought, oh, we're making this big moment for our kids, and it's usually the little things that you don't even you know, don't remember, or those are the things that they value because it was time, usually because of that, because it was time spent together. So, yeah, don't compare to to this tradition that we're talking about or anybody else's traditions.

Danny Ray 32:28

Yeah, Make your own. And so these are five of the 10 that we wanted to give to you, so we will jump into part two next week, but we we really hope that these ideas help you to just navigate the the Christmas season and just know that you're not alone in the struggle. It is difficult during this season, but make the most of it by being intentional. Thank you so much. That's right.

Kimberly 32:56

I'm Emily and Danny Ray with. We do whatever it takes.