S3: E3 The Magic of Intentional Moments: Strengthening Bonds in Marriage

Imagine finding joy in the smallest things—like the unexpected gift of rhino socks—just because someone remembered you mentioned rhinos once. That's the kind of magic we, Danny Ray, a magician and pastor, and Kimberly, an associate marriage and family therapist, unwrap in our latest chat. We delve not only into the wonders of magic shows but also into the intimate dance of creating those unforgettable moments in relationships. By weaving intentional actions into the fabric of daily life, we uncover how such moments can lead to profound connections and enduring happiness. Join us for a journey through the art of listening and the delightful impact of acting on those listens, as we share stories that highlight the transformative effect of thoughtful surprises and the importance of being present with your loved one.

As we sit back to reflect on the humor and humanity of our digital companions, we share a heartwarming tale involving a smart speaker that illustrates the laughter we find in our technologically entwined lives. Whether it's taking a pause on a tough day to lie on the carpet and listen to a calming song or embracing the quirks of a digital assistant, we explore how these shared experiences can fortify the bonds of marriage. This episode provides not just a look into the intentional downtime that strengthens a relationship but serves as a reminder of the shared joy and support that comes from truly experiencing life with your partner. So, tune in and let's celebrate the enchantment found in each other's company, and learn how the smallest gestures can be the most significant in nurturing a great marriage.

Transcript

Creating Special Moments in Relationships

Danny Ray 0:20

Well, we are back and we are excited to be with you. This is Danny Ray.

Kimberly 0:25

I am a magician and a pastor, and this is I'm Kimberly and I am an associate marriage and family therapist.

Danny Ray 0:33

And you're pretty fantastic yeah.

Kimberly 0:36

I love hearing your stories of therapy and how. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. For the record, I do not give you stories of therapy. That's not fair.

Danny Ray 0:45

No, like the stories of how you're dropped like you'll text me, okay, how I. Yes, I absolutely love my job and.

Kimberly 0:52

Yes, yes, Because remember everything's confidential. I do not share this stuff with you.

Danny Ray 0:57

And that's when you share. You're referring to yes, I'm saying you share stories like it was.

Kimberly 1:01

It was a great day, yeah, yeah yeah, very general, but yes, it is very exciting for both of us. I love that. You love your job, that's.

Danny Ray 1:08

I'll rephrase it to forget your stories.

Kimberly 1:11

I love that you love your job.

Danny Ray 1:13

And yeah, just creating moments where you're helping people to find success in their marriage and their families in their own journey, and thankful to be on this journey with you.

Kimberly 1:27

Yeah, my job is a complete honor to be able to be sitting with people and whatever they're going through and you mentioned just now like special moments, and that's actually what we want to talk about today are creating special moments within your marriage, within your relationship, and how do we do that? We want to talk about all of the different times, right? So there's in the day to day, there's maybe celebrations, holidays, things like that. So we want to address Because you have vacations- birthdays, vacations.

Danny Ray 2:03

Then just a day or just a moment, and this comes out as we're looking in this series at like a magic show and how you build a magic show and how you communicate. And how you connect and how do you get to that moment of the finale. But one of the things that I try to do intentionally is like how do I make somebody's day in the middle of that?

Danny Ray 2:27

show, magic show, yeah, okay okay, and but to do that, I have to think how am I going to create this moment? And I think when we talk about moments, we have two things. We have rituals that go on, that are part of our daily lives, that we've talked about, like how I give you a kiss goodbye. I'll pray with you when you're leaving whatever those rituals might be.

Danny Ray 2:54

But, that's not the same as like really intentionally trying to create a special moment. We're intentionally trying to create those rituals of how we leave how we yeah yeah.

Kimberly 3:04

I would, of course, push back because I like to. I'm torn between saying that those rituals aren't still magical moments, because I think they are. They're intentional. I guess that's really, and that's what you're saying in the magic show, when you're creating an intentional moment. So I still think, even if it's a ritual of kissing me goodbye, or when I kiss you goodbye, well, that's the same same.

Danny Ray 3:38

Well, let me give you an idea is there's a difference. So when I do a show, it's not like I'm creating a new show. Think of a comedian, right, they're not. When they're on tour, they're not like every night I'm going to do an hour-new special, it's the same right yeah. And that's what I would say are the rituals of my show. But I'm also looking for these moments of surprise.

Kimberly 4:01

That are unique.

Danny Ray 4:02

Yeah, and so one of the things I'll do at the Magic Castle I was performing there on Halloween for like 10 days because of my Halloween fell Like 10 days. I think I did over 40 shows. It was crazy. And in Hollywood, the Magic Castle's in Hollywood it has literally like the premier costumes in the world of people coming in. It was nuts.

Kimberly 4:28

People can buy their costumes from sets, set right, from TV shows, from whatever People talked about.

Danny Ray 4:34

Like you know, they spent 10 hours on their makeup that day and had so-and-so artists that did all these movies.

Kimberly 4:42

And I'm like wow.

Danny Ray 4:43

I mean it looks amazing, but I never. So I'm backstage listening and I can't quite hear what's going on, but I could tell like there's a little bit of frustration. Well, let me tell you what happened when I walked out and then what happened before that was going on that I couldn't have known, but it created this special moment that I wish I could have this in every show. So I walk out and everybody claps, all that, and I see Jesus is standing in the back. You know somebody?

Kimberly 5:17

dressed up like Jesus.

Danny Ray 5:18

Nice costume, I see you know, there was this couple that was like a black and white frame in their makeup.

Kimberly 5:25

Oh, cool when they looked like they were out of a black and white photo. Yeah, yeah.

Danny Ray 5:29

But when I walked out I was like we don't have much time. And then I looked at this woman who was dressed like a bunch of grapes like had balloons all over her.

Kimberly 5:41

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Danny Ray 5:42

And I was like she's gonna pop in the whole audience like burst into laughter and it created this really fun moment and just created the momentum of the show. What I didn't know was happening is, when she got in, people had to lean over the people to the left and the right of her because her balloons were taking up three seats.

Kimberly 6:04

Oh, not the ideal costume for sitting in little theater. She was sweating profusely.

Danny Ray 6:09

Oh gosh, her boyfriend or husband or whatever is like opening her outfit up kind of exposing her. Oh, my goodness, wiping her down with a cloth, you know and everybody's like.

Kimberly 6:22

so when I walked out and said because everybody was very aware of her already. Okay, she's gonna pop.

Danny Ray 6:29

It was what everybody was thinking like please, let her get out of here, let her pop.

Kimberly 6:35

That's funny.

Danny Ray 6:36

So those are like that's a moment in the show that I try to listen backstage and be intentional of how can I create this unique moment? And it doesn't happen every time, but it happens a lot during the show where I try to create a unique moment and then I've tried to bring that into our marriage as well. And even yesterday we celebrated my birthday.

Kimberly 6:59

We did, and it was a big one.

Danny Ray 7:02

Big birthday. You had all these like moments throughout the day that you've heard me talk about for the last year, that things that I think are silly, like I go to these nice hotels and I'm like, ooh, I love this pillow. And then I get home I'm like, oh, this pillow is all right, you know. And you're like that shouldn't be buy a new pillow. I'm not gonna buy a new pillow. I enjoy them when I'm at a hotel. And you're like, no, buy a new pillow.

Danny Ray 7:26

I'm like no but you went and you bought me a new one that was part of your birthday.

Kimberly 7:31

It was choosing a new one.

Danny Ray 7:33

So you found all these moments where you were like I wanna make you feel heard and special, and I did. But that takes you being intentional. It takes you hearing me, and I know you talk a lot about that in counseling that it's sometimes difficult for the other person to hear Any thoughts if somebody feels like they're not hearing them. So we couldn't even create a special moment if we wanted to.

Kimberly 7:59

Yeah, well, I'll speak into. For me, being the one that's probably not, I don't feel like a great gift giver.

Danny Ray 8:08

You did a great job yesterday. I don't know what you thought.

Kimberly 8:10

I feel like I nailed it this time, but I don't always.

Danny Ray 8:12

Overall, I think you're a great gift giver. I don't know where you get that from.

Kimberly 8:15

Well, because I don't feel like I nail it. I feel like this big one yesterday, I feel like I did and you were very appreciative.

Danny Ray 8:23

You keep saying big, it was my 50th. She's kidding at that.

Kimberly 8:28

I think I'm more in denial about the numbers. This time.

Danny Ray 8:33

I'm looking forward to the next 50 years with you.

Kimberly 8:35

Perfect. I'm glad we didn't put a limit on that. That's great. So, yeah, I was more intentional with this birthday, thinking, okay, how do I make you feel special? But I think, yeah, doing things for you that I don't usually do. There was a silly one where I don't know, even just this last week, where we were just talking and you said something about liking rhinos, rhinoceros and I was like what you have never, once, ever talked about rhinoceros. We've gone to a zoo.

Danny Ray 9:10

I'm sure you could just say rhino, you don't have to say rhinoceros.

Kimberly 9:15

Rhino sounds weird yeah.

Danny Ray 9:18

I like rhinos.

Creating Special Moments for Love and Understanding

Kimberly 9:19

Okay, so you like rhinos? I never knew this. And to the point that that is funny to me that we've been married, what 27? Years yeah how do I not know that that's really weird.

Danny Ray 9:31

Are you sure you're writing a rhino? No, that's ridiculous. See if we could get one.

Kimberly 9:35

No, no, thanks, I'm getting a mini cow before you get a rhino. But anyway, we digress. So he mentioned wanting. You mentioned wanting a rhino, not wanting, just that you liked them. Sorry, you did not mention that you wanted one, you just said that you liked them and I was very surprised.

Danny Ray 9:52

I was officially said I would like one. Oh great, no, you're not getting it.

Kimberly 9:55

I want a baby one, You're not getting it Anyway. So I thought, okay, that's funny. And I did push further, like really I've never known this, that's bizarre. And he's like no, really I do. So I like rhinos. Okay, fine, so praise God for Amazon. I did go and find some rhino socks and then surprised you.

Danny Ray 10:14

I will be wearing my rhino socks. I could not find them, but you told me where they are, so they will be on, okay, and I will be.

Kimberly 10:21

So and you liked that. That was a surprise and actually I think your reaction to me was oh wow, like you heard me and it really was this moment that I was like dang it, that kind of feels like, oh well, I don't hear you all the time, um, but I'm really glad that I did in that moment. So it was a fun. Yeah, rhino moment, but uh, yeah.

Danny Ray 10:51

And uh, thank you for the rhinos, um, yes, so creating these special moments like think about it, rhino socks, um, it's, it's not like, oh, this is, you know, the the perfect idea for the. It's just the. The fact that I felt heard um makes you know, makes me feel loved, and I think learning to hear your spouse, um, and be able to honor them by doing something for them in in the fact that I know you not only heard, but you had to be thinking about all these things sometimes, just knowing you're being thought of you know, makes you feel loved, and so I think, creating these special moments, it's not like it's.

Danny Ray 11:33

It's not about the money, it's not about um, oh, we have to um spend sometimes. It's just, you know, we we've talked about writing notes to each other.

Kimberly 11:45

Um, yeah.

Danny Ray 11:45

Post it. No, it's um. I found um a letter, um in my Bible last week that that you wrote to me, and it fell out and and I read it again Um, I continually find notes in my car that you've written to me over the years that I'll tuck in different places.

Danny Ray 12:01

I'm like, oh, look at that, and and. So I think it's trying to create moments. They don't have to be over the top, even though I think there's times to have an over the top moment, but I think it's being intentional with simple, ordinary things, that it's like you know what I'm going to surprise my, my wife, um, in my case, with with lunch, and I showed up a couple of weeks ago and surprised you, yeah, this last week, yeah, yeah, you've done that for me numerous times and I think it's these creating these special moments that kind of keeps momentum going in the marriage.

Danny Ray 12:37

Like. We've talked a lot about date nights and being intentional with that, but these are moments that we do just all the time, from a sticky note to a love letter, to um, buying each other like a, a gift that might cost a dollar, you know like it's not. Even sometimes like a dollar gift. You know, a pen, you will hear me, you know like ah, this pen's not working.

Danny Ray 13:04

And then the next thing, I know I have a new set of pens on my desk. You know, it's just finding those special moments to create for one another.

Kimberly 13:12

I think one that sounds somewhat silly because I'm still working on it is I don't feel like I nail it with your restaurant orders, or you know, fast food order, kind of.

Danny Ray 13:23

Thing where you did yesterday. You got my Starbucks order. I did get your Starbucks, your free birthday one.

Kimberly 13:29

Yeah, I finally, after all these years, got your favorite drink down, but not so much on the food. Sometimes I choose and I'm stuck there for a while and going I don't know what do you?

Danny Ray 13:42

want no cherries, no pickles. What's hard can it be?

Kimberly 13:45

No cherries, no pickles. This is true. I do know that part.

Danny Ray 13:49

How do you know that I don't like cherries?

Kimberly 13:52

Because you gave it back to the lady at the drive-through window. She shouldn't have put a cherry on there. That was one of the funniest things I've ever seen. You don't give things back off of your food and hand it back to them.

Danny Ray 14:05

It was pre-COVID. You could still hand you know stuff back.

Kimberly 14:07

It still was inappropriate, it doesn't matter, so I would hand a pickles back to you.

Danny Ray 14:12

You probably I don't need those.

Kimberly 14:16

But I do like getting it right. So it does make me happy when I figure it out and I go okay, I did that right, he liked that. So it kind of goes both ways. You feel heard and it matters to you, but it's also mattering to me these days that I get it right.

Danny Ray 14:38

So Let me ask you this, like somebody that might be listening, that might be a little bit more like you, that isn't as spontaneous like I can be.

Kimberly 14:47

A little bit more spontaneous than you.

Danny Ray 14:48

Spontaneous. What do you do with that side of it, like they want to do you know these things, but or somebody that is, and you're not ready for it. It's like, hey, I'm going to pick you up for lunch. I wish you would have told me you know.

Kimberly 15:05

Okay, yeah, yeah. So that can be both sides of that for me. So Because?

Danny Ray 15:10

it'd be discouraging on my side like, hey, I want to do that surprise for you.

Kimberly 15:13

That's a good point. If you want to do surprises for somebody, you have to make sure you're not doing it because you love surprises, right? If it's truly for the other person, then you need to make sure that they're going to enjoy that as a surprise. So you and I have learned there are certain things that I'm okay with you. Surprising me Cleaning something is a fabulous surprise. I will never be upset by that.

Danny Ray 15:37

So should I tell you that I've cleaned something? Cause I kind of feel like if I clean something, I want you to walk through, you know, the front door and just like, whoa like, but that doesn't happen. I'm like, when's she going to notice?

Kimberly 15:50

Most of the time I notice. But yes, I'm perfectly fine with you announcing hey, I cleaned this today, and then I can say thank you and I'm okay with that.

Danny Ray 16:01

Maybe not everybody, but then am I just cleaning it to do it for you, or should I clean it just because I want to? I don't have a want to.

Kimberly 16:09

I was gonna say I don't think that's a thing. So, surprises, make sure you're doing it for the other person, not just because you like the surprise. I think that's a big part of it, so be mindful of that how they're going to receive it.

Danny Ray 16:23

That seems a lot like love languages Can you speak into that a little bit.

Kimberly 16:28

Yeah. So if it's a gift that you know, if love language, if somebody's love language is receiving gifts, then great, that might be something they are totally thrilled with, something you know, being surprised and okay, you know, and a gift shows up at their office or whatever, but somebody, sometimes we demonstrate our love language instead of realizing what the other person, what their love language is. Right, so you might like receiving gifts, so that makes you maybe more attentive to giving gifts, but that might not be speaking the other person's love language, right? So if you're the gift giver and you really enjoy that, you still have to be mindful of okay. Is this gonna embarrass them if I send this gift to their work? Is this appropriate for that? Are they gonna enjoy the surprise?

Kimberly 17:27

or would they rather be practical and choose the gift together and right, so we just have to be yeah, I think the question to ask each other is what makes you feel the most heard and the most loved?

Danny Ray 17:40

Is that surprise showing more love, or the thought that went behind it and telling like I'll take not that we go to Disneyland all the time, but I know 100% now that you would rather know we're going to Disneyland and plan and think and get not costumes ready but outfits ready. You know all that type of stuff. You wanna think and plan and dream about it where it would be totally fine with me if I just woke up one day and you're like, hey, we're going to Disneyland.

Kimberly 18:14

What that's awesome.

Danny Ray 18:15

Like it would be the same amount of thinking that goes into it.

Kimberly 18:18

For me, a month before I wouldn't think anymore.

Danny Ray 18:23

I wouldn't go like. What am I going to wear? What am I going to do? There's going to be zero thought in that month about what's going to happen on that day. That's true. So I love that surprise. But knowing you, you love the dream.

Kimberly 18:35

Part of the yeah, part of the planning is the fun of that surprise. So, yeah, the surprise for me would have to happen sooner, right? So all we're saying is just being careful and being aware of what the other person likes, what they prefer, what would be, because that's going to make them feel heard and seen right. So, and that's the point of these kind of magical moments that we're working on I mentioned the trying to get the food right. Oh, we did. It is not easy, y'all, to surprise a magician. I don't know if anyone's realized that, but we did pull that off for this big birthday. This last weekend, the kids and their significant others came to the airport and we surprised you Not just surprised, I'd say shocked by the look of your on the photo.

Danny Ray 19:32

It's definitely a dream I've had for a long time to have. I feel like it's shrap and every time I get on a plane that you're all there.

Kimberly 19:39

It's not realistic, not gonna happen.

Danny Ray 19:40

That's another way that you heard me and did that surprise, but I still think I know that that means a lot to you Every time.

Kimberly 19:48

That is not gonna happen every time. I know you wish it would and we've done it maybe once or twice before, especially when the kids were little. But yeah and that you.

Danny Ray 19:57

It's been a long time and I really appreciate it.

Kimberly 19:59

No, okay, okay, yeah. So the greeting, the surprising at the airport with a couple balloons and stuff was definitely fun and not easy to orchestrate with adult children.

Danny Ray 20:09

but If you wanna see my surprise face, we will put a picture on, we do whatever it takes on the Instagram and you could see what shock looks like on my face. I'll have to work on getting that shot on your face. No, thank you. No, thank you.

Kimberly 20:24

I'm perfectly fine, see, and that's the difference, right, that that would not be something that would be amazing. Well, surprise at the airport, yes, but going for a look of shock on my face, I don't know that that's the goal.

Danny Ray 20:37

I feel like you get pictures where you're surprised with things and you like it Surprise good.

Kimberly 20:41

Shocked sounds bad. I don't know you got to weigh in on that one.

Danny Ray 20:45

Are you thinking shock therapy? Is that what you're offering to people today? No, Shock therapy only $10?

Kimberly 20:51

No, no, not a thing, not what we're talking about?

Danny Ray 20:54

I think it was a. Thing.

Kimberly 20:55

It was not what we're talking about. Okay, so making magical moments and, yeah, if you have suggestions or things that you do in your marriage that are, you know, special and intentional moments that you know gosh, there are so many but if there are some fun ones that you do are, you thinking about doing Carpet picnic?

Danny Ray 21:20

That's exactly what I think.

Creating Special Moments in Marriage

Kimberly 21:22

Yeah, I was the carpet picnic, and then I thought, huh, do I say that, yeah, carpet picnic is a fun one, that you know why have dinner at the table, when I and we used to do this with the kids sometimes too, and we've done playlist or mixtapes where we you know go somewhere and just dance like nobody's around and hopefully nobody is around. Well, that would be only inside the house. Yeah, yeah, kitchen dancing, I do like that, but and what's that song that I'll just lay here and forget about the world?

Danny Ray 21:55

Snow Patrol yeah.

Kimberly 21:57

Okay, and we've literally just laid there on the carpet and gone. All right, we need a minute and it's a special moment. I you know it may have been more just to calm maybe me down or you down, I don't remember, but I think we've done that song a couple times. We have yeah.

Danny Ray 22:14

Yeah.

Kimberly 22:14

When it's a hard day or felt overwhelmed, just.

Danny Ray 22:17

Alexa play this, you know, and yeah, we'll lay down and do nothing. And that's funny because we just said a somebody's name and she responded.

Kimberly 22:28

But I'm not going to say it again the machines are listening to us.

Danny Ray 22:34

But that that's it for today. We hope that you create special moments together. Thank you for listening in. It means a lot to us and we hope that you do whatever it takes to create a great marriage.