We Do Whatever It Takes
We Do Whatever It Takes
S3: Ep5: 10 One Minute Ideas that Create A Big Impact in Your Marriage
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Celebrating love can be as simple as a shared glance or as deep as a ritual of connection. In our latest heart-to-heart, we unwrap the power of small actions and gestures that can leave an indelible imprint on your marriage. We're not talking grandiose displays; think the intimacy of a one-minute kiss or the personal touch of a handwritten sticky note. These acts, though seemingly trivial, are the threads that weave a rich tapestry of togetherness. From the importance of eye contact to the magic of a morning coffee ritual, we provide you with an arsenal of simple yet profound tools to fortify your bond with your beloved.
What's more, we don't just preach these methods; we live them. As we round out our conversation, we dive into the joys of relationship-building tips and rituals that any couple can seamlessly incorporate into the rhythm of their lives. 'Get to know you' cards, one-minute shoulder massages, and bedtime prayers are just a few of the gems we discuss that can set a positive tone for your day and deepen your connection. So, pull up a chair and let us guide you through crafting those magical moments in your marriage, because who says you can't create a little magic every day?
So this is a little crazy. This is our 50th episode today, so we are excited to give it out. Woo-woo To make it happen. My name is Danny Ray, I am a magician and a pastor, and this is.
Speaker 2I'm Kimberly and I am an associate marriage and family therapist. You're so much more Well, thank you.
Speaker 1So today we want to look at. So season three is all about, like designing this show and the parallels to a marriage. Well, one of the things in a show that I always want to.
Speaker 2A magic show that you do Correct Okay All around the world, all the time. Okay, got it.
Speaker 1And we created a local show that's 15 minutes away in Redlands, california, in first residency show I've done and we just entered into month seven of doing that.
Speaker 2So that's crazy yeah.
Speaker 1But yeah, so lots of interesting times.
Speaker 2For sure.
Speaker 1So, as a magician though, you've got these parallels of how you set up your yeah to magic to parallel to the marriage.
Speaker 2Yeah, yeah, how you Things that you focus on in developing a magic show or a magical experience and, yeah, you've created it and that's what our whole book is, too right, no, I can't make your wife disappear, is literally.
Speaker 1Get it on Amazon today.
Speaker 2Yeah, there's the plug, but that's literally where we've got all of those parallels kind of put in one place, right. But today we want to talk about some specific or a specific parallel.
Speaker 1Yeah, and that's misdirection. So people often think of misdirection as taking something in Creating a magic moment where I want to catch the magician he's trying to get me to look away. Oh yeah, the idea that I think of with misdirection is more focusing on the right things. So it's not that I'm trying to get somebody to look away, but when they look at the right things and they focus on what I'm actually doing in front of them and not the secret stuff I'm doing behind the scenes.
Speaker 2You're doing secrets somewhere else.
Speaker 1Yes, all the time.
Speaker 2Not in our marriage, but oh, no, no, no, I meant in the magic show.
Speaker 1Okay, got it, that secret stuff. If you actually saw it, it destroys the illusion. I think this is the same in our marriage. When we focus on the right things, we're going to experience magic and wonder and joy and love and all those things that God's designed in the context of marriage. But if we focus on the wrong things, we go oh, I caught my spouse doing this. So I caught you, said you would never do that, and then all of a sudden it's like me against you.
Speaker 2That's so good and really the way our brains operate. It is easier to focus on the negative, and so we do have to be intentional about focusing on the positive and going wow. These are the good things that I want to focus on in our marriage or about my spouse that yeah, because it's so easy to go the other way and go. Oh, all these things that I don't like, or yeah.
Speaker 1Yeah, so today I want to look at focusing on 10 things. Ok, Specifically one minute thing.
Speaker 2So these are like. We don't have to spend hours on these things.
Speaker 1Ok, we're looking for like practical ways you could implement something today in one minute. So the idea isn't that you take all 10 of these, but maybe you take one of these and you go. You know what I'm going to use one of these 10 things. So these are small things that we believe could have a big and sometimes a massive impact on your marriage, for sure. So focusing on the right things, this is the first thing.
Speaker 2Number one we want you to spend one minute doing a morning briefing. You see this on TV. Like in all the shows about the president, he goes oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, they wake him up in his bed, or her bed, as it may be someday, and they say here's your morning briefing.
Speaker 1Wait, are you running for president? Is there something I should know?
Speaker 2Absolutely not. Not my calling, but I love this idea and it works well for us.
Speaker 1I think that'd be great though.
Speaker 2It's a magician and a president.
Speaker 1I mean we'd have to change the podcast.
Speaker 2Yeah, I guess not.
Speaker 1We do whatever it takes with the magician and the president.
Speaker 2All right, yeah, not happening. So, we digress, Anyway. So back to number one. So a one minute morning briefing. Hey, babe, we just woke up. What have you got going on today?
Speaker 1Wait, hold on, hold on, hold on. If I woke you up and said what do you have going on today?
Speaker 2That's a good point, I think before coffee you might kill me. Ok, ok. So should we skip down to bring coffee? Bring coffee One minute, yeah, one minute.
Speaker 1Anything that your spouse loves to wake up with, whether that's something to eat or something to drink. That's one minute where you could encourage them and love on them in that moment.
Speaker 2So that's number one and nine all in the same right, so OK. So to clarify number one, we were saying give a one minute morning briefing. So the briefing might need to happen a little later in the morning, not first thing in the morning, at least for you, at least for me, for sure, If I woke you up with that. What do you want to do? But what's your plan for the day is usually what you ask me.
Speaker 1Yeah, I think there's three things I think of with that. One is what's the plan for the day? What can we do together? And then the third is like how can I help? Is there anything in your day that I could help with, and vice versa. But I think those three things of getting the plan, seeing what we could do together, how we plan to connect at the end of the day or during the day or whatever, yeah. Ok, good, number two Number two.
Speaker 2We've talked about this before, but it's really important your comings and your goings like how you greet each other. So to wrap this into a one minute thing, I think some couples are pretty good at kissing goodbye before they leave. But we want to also encourage the kiss hello.
Speaker 1So are you saying a one minute, because I don't think you can deliver on this.
Speaker 2A one minute goodbye kiss? Wow, absolutely not. Come on, because you're usually like three. I got to go. Yeah, three quick kisses, hey, but it's still a connection that you appreciate I know, but this doesn't say 10 second things.
Speaker 1It will have a massive like a one minute kiss. I could have a good trajectory on my day.
Marriage Enrichment Activities for Couples
Speaker 2It is still something you can do within one minute, and if you're not doing it, you could definitely stay focused. This can definitely improve our marriage, because it's giving us that a sense of continuity and a gesture of affection and reassurance. This is my person. This is every day as we leave, this is what we do, and every day when we come back together, this is what we do.
Speaker 1I'm still focused on that one minute, but we'll move on to number three. But, just so you know. I feel like that would make life really healthy for me if I had one Duly noted. One minute.
Speaker 2A one minute kiss.
Speaker 1Yeah, do you want to try that on air.
Speaker 2No, no, thank you. Ok, here we go, moving on Number three.
Speaker 1So number three is this sticky notes of encouragement.
Speaker 1So, here's the idea is go, grab a post-it note or sticky notes, like a stack of them, set an alarm clock for one minute and then think of as many things as you could say about your spouse that are encouraging, empowering, loving, blessing, and just write those down. Not that you have to write them down as fast as possible, but in one minute you could probably get anywhere from five to 10 notes and maybe more of just saying hey, I love you, hey, I'm for you, hey, I'm thankful for you, hey, thank you for you.
Speaker 2Know, whatever that is, you know there's just so many luck on this today, or I'm praying for you and not today, right, and those and things along the lines of I know you've done this numerous times made when I I'm going the road, you put 10 notes you know, one in you know on a shirt, one in my backpack, one and the suitcases yeah, on my laptop.
Speaker 1Or a shoe yeah so all these different things where All the sudden you know what took you one minute just becomes like a huge blessing yeah, yeah, and I even came home to one this last week that was, I think, was on the kitchen counter okay I moved it to the fridge so that I can continue right, you wrote it about that.
Speaker 2I don't remember that yeah, so it's a great way to give gentle reminders of your love, appreciation and support.
Speaker 1Alright, so number four this is one that we've done it in a variety of ways but, so let me just say what it is. It's renewing your vows while either watching a wedding, or it could be during a television show or a movie.
Speaker 1Wedding on tv, yeah, it could actually you could go back and look at your wedding if you have that on video somewhere in renew your vows. But if you were, you could just look up vows online and you'll find probably the exact or similar vows. But there's something about saying I take you can't believe to be my wife to have and hold. You know those vows. I'm insane, I'm again.
Speaker 2Just brings new confirmation to who we want to be in the context of our marriage yeah, yeah, it's an opportunity to reaffirm our commitment, that where we started as far as the marriage, right and and it sounds cheesy, I'm just gonna call it right there. To me it does sound cheesy and even in the moment sometimes it feels like it. You'll typically be the one that grabs my hand. Let's say we're watching a movie or a tv show, where, where they have a.
Speaker 2They start saying that the wedding vows, and you'll usually grab my hand and, and even in that moment, looking at each other's eyes and repeating it, there's something I can usually move pretty fast from the cheesiness of it to the sentimental value of it, yeah, so Okay, speaking of looking into each other's eyes, so number five is undivided eye contact.
Speaker 1I don't know if you would last one minute, but we got made it a minute we got this from a movie. I think it was baby I think it's baby mama, and martin, he's rich guy and instead of giving her money I don't know the whole I would have to go back.
Speaker 2but he's her boss and she earns on and divided I contact twenty minutes and he sits on the table in a board it was twenty minutes it's something ridiculous. I don't know, but we're not recommended twenty minutes.
Speaker 1We've never made it that, but, but undivided I contact. There's something about it that we've laughed at each other or left with each other, I don't know.
Speaker 2Yeah, it's just a fun thing to do and yeah, so give a shot about the pace of life in our culture today is just so busy and and the reality is, you could really miss something if you're not looking not intentionally looking at your spouse into their eyes going oh, they have new glasses. I got a haircut and chopped off Five inches, or what I like if I chopped off five of your hair, I think nothing that's chop.
Speaker 1That's actually killing me. Yeah, I'm not good enough.
Speaker 2So, yeah, there's something for us again. It's. It's a little bit silly when we are you earned on a and why do I keep getting that undivided word wrong? But undivided I contact. It's not an earned thing in our marriage. That's not what we really say. But you know, okay, let's, let's do this, let's set a timer one minute. We're gonna just stare in each other's eyes, googly eyed, I think you say, and yeah, there's something silly but also intimate about it, because who else are you gonna do that with?
Speaker 1Here's a bonus one. That way is with communication. It's so important to put devices down to turn away from the TV and to turn towards one another and, even in an argument, looking into each other's eyes. It humanizes and reminds you of your love for that person. Instead of fighting but you're not looking at the person, it's easier to have Just love and affection and remembrance of who that person is absolutely the evidence of that that when you think about all of the people who get online and slam somebody else, right, it's so easy when you're not looking.
Speaker 2I'd I With a person. Yeah to just yeah.
Speaker 1Most of the comments online would, for the most part, never happen if it were.
Speaker 2Yeah, they were talking about person face to face.
Speaker 1yeah, there's funny memes and videos about that type of stuff, of People saying horrible things about baseball players in the baseball player like showing up behind them and I don't know, I do like it would never really say in your life.
Speaker 2So maintaining eye contact conveys genuine interest, empathy and connection. Number six.
Speaker 1So we've talked about praying a minute in the morning, a minute night, which adds up to twelve hours but if you just take one of the twelve hours in a year. So it's this is one of those that we know can have massive impact on a marriage yeah is one minute, set your timer, pray in. If you can't make it that long, maybe you just do 10 seconds of sure.
Speaker 2Lord, help us, maybe that's five seconds, I don't know yeah yeah, but is he's praying with your spouse?
Speaker 1There's an intimacy to that that is unlike anything else, Absolutely and I think, as you consistently do, that that can have a Really huge impact on your marriage and it could really bring that the two of you closer together in a way that I don't think is Possible with with other yeah, with anybody else, yeah.
Speaker 2Yeah, it's different. It's a ritual that it. It fosters spiritual intimacy. That's why it's something that is only for the two of you in marriage, but it also it's kind of a symbol of your, your trust in each other and your reliance in each other, but also on God.
Speaker 1Right that, that it's the, the three, yeah and just to give you an idea with this. You know we don't get this right all the time, but we do try to pray together consistently. Some of those are morning and night, but sometimes it's literally I'm falling asleep but I finished 10 seconds of a prayer and Kim's like well, I guess I'm gonna finish that.
Speaker 2Amen, and sometimes you're already asleep.
Speaker 1But the the intent is that we're we're trying to Connect with. As we get closer to God, we get closer to one another and prayers, that conversation with God and he changes the outcome of our lives and our marriages. So we want to connect with him daily.
Speaker 2Absolutely number seven. Yes, checking the temperature before coming home now.
Speaker 1What does that? Yeah, that sounds a little weird, right? Is it 80 degrees out or 30 degrees? What's going on?
Speaker 2So there are lots of ways that we can do this. I like that. You just said 80 degrees, so I do kind of encourage couples to give a number to it. So what we're talking about is somebody maybe driving home from work. Okay, a lot of couples today. Maybe both people are working at home. So it's still doable if you're driving, if somebody's driving home from work, then maybe it's on a phone call. If you're coming, maybe it's, you know, coming together after both of you working at home at the end of the day. Maybe you're texting each other before you walk into the kitchen to see each other for the first time.
Speaker 1So wait, are you supporting texting and driving?
Speaker 2No, the texting was if you're at home and the other one is for the phone call. Okay, you're gonna get get me all confused so. But the whole point of communicating with each other, whether it's phone or texting a phone call or texting Is checking in on each other's emotional temperature. So it's not just emotional, it's also their Like kind of percentage of you know what Battery percentage is kind of a good way, yeah. I like that better actually than just temperature.
Speaker 1But cross out temperature. Check the battery.
Speaker 2Check the battery on your spouse before coming home, before coming together at the end of the day, Because, you know, yes, the goal is for both of us to give a hundred percent right.
Speaker 2It's not 50, 50, it is a hundred percent, both of us, all the time. The reality is, I might have a really rough day, you might have a bad day, and we might need to say, hey, my battery, I am running on empty. I've got nothing left in the tank. My battery is at, you know, 30% right now. And I'm telling you that I'm saying, hey, my intent is to do better than that. It's not an excuse.
Speaker 2It's like I want to serve or help, or we do dinner together, or whatever it is for the end of the night. I want to end the day well, but I just have nothing left.
Speaker 1So I think the questions there are, so you're communicating that well and for both parties is to say how can I recharge or what are things that will recharge you? So for some people, cooking dinners like super charges them up, they get it cited. For other people, that's draining, and so you have to know what are the things that are draining for your spouse, Communicate those so that you could help be a part of the solution. And I think that's where learning to serve one another and hopefully let's take the scenario where the other person isn't on empty. You know they're at 70, 80, 100% and they're like, hey, when you get home, how can I serve you? How can I help recharge? How can I make the day end well for you? And that looks different for everybody, but I know for you specifically, Coffee food bubble bath.
Speaker 2Coffee food bubble bath that about solves every problem. Yeah, but sometimes there are times where it's not. Yes, it's wonderful if you serve and you're able to fill my cup emotional cup that way. Absolutely.
Speaker 1Lots of analogies in this Temperature batteries, cups so many yeah.
Speaker 2But there's also value in you saying you know what, I'm running on empty too, or maybe just neither of us are able to serve well in that evening for some reason, and to be able to say you know what, maybe we're both feeling at 50% All right, let's have grace in that, so maybe nobody needs to serve the other one in that. But maybe it's just more of a hey, we're acknowledging where we're at, putting kind of a number on a scale and saying like let's have grace for each other tonight.
Speaker 1Cause.
Speaker 2I'm not feeling like I can just give and give. I'm running on empty.
Speaker 1And I think what that does as well is it in communicating that and saying, hey, let's give grace, sets you up so that you're not on edge toward each other?
Speaker 2Yeah, why isn't he doing this? Why isn't she doing that?
Speaker 1Yeah, there's space that's given on both sides as needed.
Relationship Building Tips and Rituals
Speaker 2Yeah for sure, and we talked about this one quite a bit just now, but to explain it, but really it is a one minute process for you to maybe check in with yourself before talking to your spouse and saying, hey, this is where I'm at as we're coming back together at the end of the day. It's a proactive approach to allow you to prepare to support each other and serve each other better. So number eight, so number nine is oh what happened to eight.
Speaker 1Oh, I'm sorry, I skipped right over that Just right, just skip it. So get to know you cards.
Speaker 2Yeah, there are some resources out there. We do one of these as family ones. Actually, your family does one at Thanksgiving like a stack of cards or stack of things that actually yours look like your family's ones, look like matchsticks long matchsticks. And on each one is a question, just to get to know you thing.
Speaker 2So same thing here. There are ones that are more intimate questions, there are ones that are more get to know you and more lighthearted, but you can pick those up on Amazon or in the stores or whatever. I'm not recommending a specific one necessarily, but they spark meaningful conversations right.
Speaker 2So even just a one minute. Hey, before we turn on the TV tonight, let's do one question from the thing and we'll have a discussion Again. It doesn't, maybe it's silly, maybe it's, maybe it does get to longer than a minute because you guys are enjoying the discussion, or maybe it's just information and you go oh that's. I didn't know that about you or about myself.
Speaker 1Yeah, those type of conversation starters are great and good to know you, and just some of those will make us laugh and have fun.
Speaker 2Oh, for sure.
Speaker 1Make for a great car ride conversations.
Speaker 2You know when we're going on the drive. Yeah, car trips too. Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1Okay, so number nine is like starting things right together. So for Kim, starting things right is morning coffee. So in the mornings I'll do a pour over Chemex Yummy.
Speaker 2The quality of the coffee. That's all on you. Yes.
Speaker 1But I will bring that in with two crazy dogs and let them jump all over you and somehow that is your morning routine.
Speaker 2But, I think helping your spouse set up the day well is really important, and you're very kind and generous, yes, and doing that and that ritual that you don't mind doing at least I don't think so.
Speaker 1I think you would tell me about that?
Speaker 2Yeah, definitely helps me to start my day on the right foot. Yeah, and helps before all the demands of the day hit.
Speaker 1Yeah, so you could look and figure out like what's something that you could do for your spouse and talk to them and find out.
Speaker 2I'll bet some people make breakfast. You could. Yeah, I know people that do breakfast for their spouse.
Speaker 1I don't know about every morning, but consistently, and then coffee or tea is another like consistent one that I hear.
Speaker 2I'll bet there are a lot of smoothie makers out there.
Speaker 1And I know one of the things I try to do not that I do this every day, but is I try to get there before your alarm goes off. There's something about waking up to fresh coffee versus the sound of alarm. But let's say it was just simply that you're up before your spouse and you get there just to rub their head or just to say good morning and turn off the alarm for them be their alarm. But some might need that alarm to actually get out of there.
Speaker 2So talk to your spouse, don't just turn off alarms without asking. Good point, good point Number 10.
Speaker 1The last one is something I got from a friend of mine, joe Castaneda Love that guy. Yeah, joe and Tracy have a great marriage, and he said one of the things for him that's like a game changer for their marriage was when he started giving one minute shoulder massages.
Speaker 2What.
Speaker 1Yeah. So he's like anytime she asks he'll give a one minute massage and she just loves that. That's part of like how she feels loved and he's like it's not a long thing but it just lets her know hey, want to connect and so yeah, I'm guessing I love that.
Speaker 2I'm guessing that they've set this up. To say this does not mean it's leading to something necessarily. No, that, not this is not a.
Speaker 1They have something else that way, but that will have to be shared by Joe and Tracy at some point.
Speaker 2But some people obviously like love. Language would be physical touch for some people, right? And even if it's not, this shows you're saying this friend of ours, it shows her love to have a one minute shoulder massage. But in that, my guess is that there's safety in that too. Because it's a one minute massage, it's saying, hey, this isn't going anywhere. This is because I love you and I want to show you, do something for you, that I know you love it's a gift to her. Yeah.
Speaker 1Not a means to an end.
Speaker 2Yeah, yeah, not a goal. Okay, I love that.
Speaker 1So I think it's remembering like little things you know we could have talked about, like the major parts of a marriage, of communication you know, having great communication or sex or any number of things that I think to focus on. But we wanted to take just look at small things today that are doable today that you can make.
Speaker 1They can make a big difference in your marriage. So we hope that you'll grab one of these and or it could, you know, be more than one, just to go through all 10 really fast one minute morning briefing. Number two kiss goodbye and a kiss Hello. Number three sticky notes of encouragement or, you know, blessing the other person by saying things. Number four renewing the vows. Number five undivided eye contact.
Speaker 2Number six pray before sleeping. Number seven checking the temperature. Or we're going to change that?
Speaker 1battery before coming home.
Speaker 2Number eight get to know you cards. Number nine morning coffee, either together or for the other person. Number 10, the one minute shoulder massage, that is what we have with.
Speaker 1We do whatever it takes. We hope that you do whatever it takes to create a great marriage today, including just taking one minute to do something to bless or encourage or love on your spouse. That is it.
Speaker 2This is Danny, and Kimberly and we do whatever it takes.
