S3E6: 7 Questions that Connect You Deeply to Each Other

Celebrate a milestone with us as we mark our 51st episode by engaging in some of the most transformative questions that can solidify and direct the dreams shared within a marriage. Our conversation unveils how setting aside "dream days" is a crucial strategy for fostering mutual understanding and triumph in each other's aspirations. However, it's not all smooth sailing—I confess to being a "dream crusher" on occasion, but the journey is about evolving together, learning the shifting ways we experience love and support, and ensuring that our partnership's roots grow deeper with every challenge we face.

This episode isn't just about us sharing our stories; it's enriched by the wisdom of experts who guide us through the nuances of mental health struggles, such as body dysmorphia and eating disorders, that can cast shadows over a relationship. They offer their expertise on the importance of validation, not just through words but also through seeking professional help. Additionally, we open up about tackling life's hurdles hand-in-hand, from financial distress to parenting quandaries, because overcoming these challenges is not a solo endeavor but a testament to the resilience of a united front.

As we wind down the episode, our focus shifts to the legacy we're crafting through our union. It's not just about navigating the daily grind but about cultivating a marriage that echoes through generations, guided by faith and the values we hold dear. By sharing personal anecdotes and reflections, we hope to inspire you to build a marriage that's not only about facing the present together but also about leaving an indelible, positive mark on your children and community. Join us as we explore the power of a partnership that transcends the ordinary, aiming for a legacy as lasting as love itself.

Transcript

Exploring Marriage Through Questions

Danny Ray 0:20

Well, I cannot believe. This is episode 51.

Kimberly 0:24

51.

Danny Ray 0:25

It's almost like a full deck of cards.

Kimberly 0:27

Oh, you're going to be so excited with the next one. You love 52. 52 is my favorite number, love it.

Danny Ray 0:32

So, if you're tuning in for the first time, this whole thing is all about we do whatever it takes to create a great marriage and that's where we're at. We want to help you to create a great marriage and today we are looking at. I want to say seven questions, but we agreed before we started we're not going to give a number because we have so many questions.

Kimberly 0:55

There might be six, there might be eight, but we're going to shoot for seven.

Danny Ray 0:59

Yeah, there's just so many questions that I feel like have helped us to have a healthy marriage, and I feel like there's some of these questions will really change the trajectory of marriages or maybe help to solidify some things that you're wrestling through. Sure and yeah.

Kimberly 1:19

It certainly helps us to dive deeper right when we have these conversations that are about dreams and hopes and just questions to ask each other. It brings kind of surface level talk into a deeper realm.

Danny Ray 1:35

Yeah, I think with questions too, like when you and we'll jump into these questions in a second that we really believe will help you to have great conversations with one another but a question always puts you in a state of humility. When you're authentic about asking a question, of saying, hey, you know, I'm wondering, how do you do this? Right?

Kimberly 2:01

Or and so I think there's humility in the answering of the question. Right, there's humbleness and that Okay, if you're honest, like you said, yeah, yeah. So let's dive right in Question number one that we'd encourage you to ask each other, what are your deepest dreams and aspirations? And I would say kind of to give you an idea of the direction of that. Maybe as a couple, as a family, for your careers, those kinds of things could be topics where you answer the question what are your deepest dreams and aspirations?

Danny Ray 2:35

Yeah, one of the things that we do and I don't want to say we do it every year, but we try to do it where we'll set aside a day as a dream day and if you listen to this podcast at all, you know that I am a huge dreamer ideas, and Kim is fondly known as the dream crusher.

Danny Ray 2:54

Yes, my dream crusher, I love my dream crusher, right, because I'm just like all over the place like what about this, and what about this, and what about this? And she's all. Let me tell you that is the dumbest idea.

Kimberly 3:05

I've never said that. I think I'd give you a look and you're like, oh, there's that, look again. That's the look of that's a dumb idea. Okay, but I've never said it. Oh, wow, so you admit to it. No, no, no, no.

Danny Ray 3:18

That's the look of dumbness I've seen dumb, and then that idea came up.

Kimberly 3:22

And now you have to be very gentle. If you are the person who's not the dreamer and it's not to say that I mean you're the first to admit that many of your dreams have come true, that we've put into action. Yeah, action, Thank you, yeah, yeah.

Danny Ray 3:43

Come to expression. Yeah, and I'm super thankful for that. I think God has given me this creative mind to dream up and the entrepreneurial spirit to be able to develop those ideas into reality. But your support in that is huge and I think that's why, like a conversation like this is really important is not just one person dreaming in the other person not supporting, but that's true, yeah.

Danny Ray 4:09

That other person supporting that dream, and so that's something you do together, or at least it's supported together. Yeah, and with the dream crushing, I would say we've really learned to have a healthy conversation about dreaming and about aspirations together, where oftentimes the ideas I'll come with cost a lot of money.

Kimberly 4:33

Yeah, thank you. I wouldn't have to crush anything if it didn't cost a zillion dollars? No, you kill free stuff. No, I doubt it.

Danny Ray 4:43

So, but I've learned to approach that instead of like I've got, this idea is like hey, that's terrifying. This is an idea. I'm not expecting to do this tomorrow, yep.

Kimberly 4:54

I'm not expecting you to say yes here and that calms my nervous system, that is all right when you come to me with it.

Kimberly 5:01

I'm dreaming about everything in me is on fire, like, oh my gosh, what's going to happen next? What's this crazy dream? And so, yes, your approach matters, but I think for some of our couples out there you know, maybe they haven't even had the discussion together Maybe you know, and it forces me you being the dreamer forces me to dream with you, because you ask me what my dreams are too, and that's not something I would normally even ask myself.

Danny Ray 5:33

That's not how my brain operates, but it's been four or five years. We've seen a lot of the dreams that you've had for a long time come to expression.

Kimberly 5:41

Yeah, it's not just about you dreaming and I'm crashing different season of no longer empty nesters.

Danny Ray 5:46

But what are we babe?

Kimberly 5:47

We're bird launchers. Yeah, that's a side note, sorry.

Danny Ray 5:53

We digress. Yeah, all right, so my bird launching wife. What is number two?

Kimberly 5:58

Number two how do you feel loved and supported?

Danny Ray 6:01

And that's a good one.

Kimberly 6:02

Right and this can change, so it's not you know. Oh yeah, we've asked that once or we've talked about this when we first got married and I know that they like this or like that, yeah, but our tastes and preferences change, so it's worth asking again how do you feel loved and supported, maybe specifically in this season of life, whatever that looks like for you?

Danny Ray 6:25

So I'm going to ask you how do you Kimberly just to give them like an example- how do you feel?

Kimberly 6:32

Really, you're just going to throw me right out there, all right.

Danny Ray 6:35

Well, I think it could help. You know, I think it could feel like this kind of I don't know how to answer that.

Kimberly 6:40

But I think you and I would both agree that using the love languages, that's an important by Jerry Chapman.

Danny Ray 6:48

Thank you, you can look it up on Amazon. It's one of the top relationship books ever. Yeah, yeah, the five love languages. Thank you, yeah.

Kimberly 6:58

And in that book they describe five different love languages that are typically the most popular, most common ways that we feel loved. And so to go through those kind of quickly, words of affirmation, quality time, acts of service, physical time, I call that one acts of slavery.

Danny Ray 7:19

Yes, I am fully aware.

Kimberly 7:21

So there it is. That one is mine, and that's why he's saying that Acts of service.

Danny Ray 7:26

Slavery.

Kimberly 7:27

Yeah, slavery, that's what you call it. Yes, but the honest truth is there is nothing sexier than you vacuuming or cleaning the house or doing something that's an act of service. I'll take it either way.

Kimberly 7:40

Oh wow, so love languages. The one that I didn't get to quite finish was receiving gifts is another way that people feel loved, and then I've had some people share with me recently that they would like to see another one added to the book. It is not in the book and there is no pressure to add this, but it is possible that food is another love language.

Kimberly 8:07

Some people are yeah well, it's not mine, but people. I've had some people talking about it. Anything to do with food for them is a love language, whether it's brought to them, whether they're preparing it, they're giving it to somebody, they're making something for someone, food dropped off at work or yeah. So just an interesting possibility that maybe food. Maybe we'll hear more people say that I don't know.

Danny Ray 8:33

Interesting.

Kimberly 8:34

Yeah, I think that's been supported. Probably looks like one of those five love languages, but it's not just about knowing your own love language, but understanding and fulfilling your partner's love language right.

Danny Ray 8:52

I think that, yeah, that's the easy mistake to make is if your love language is access service, so it's like, oh, I'm going to clean that, I'm speaking specifically for you. Oh, I'm going to clean the house for him. I'm going to wash his car for him. I'm going to do this, and if that, doesn't speak.

Kimberly 9:05

Love to you, you appreciate it. And these days you would say, okay, I see that and I know that that's. But initially I'd say when we first got married, there's no way you would have been like oh yeah, that makes me feel loved.

Danny Ray 9:18

No, no, no that isn't my specific love language of. It's. Not that I don't appreciate, I'm not thankful. It's just that's not how I experience love and I think that's the mistake we can make in a relationship is we do the love language that we feel loved for the other person and then we can get frustrated or upset, Like why don't they see that I'm trying to show them?

Kimberly 9:43

love. Yeah, yeah, 100%.

Danny Ray 9:44

But you have to figure out what's their love language, what makes them take, what's going to express love to them the best, and then do that.

Kimberly 9:51

Right, and how do we do that? We have a conversation about it. So, yeah, great job. All right, it's question number three.

Danny Ray 9:57

I wanted to give this question because this is a question that we've asked ourselves a lot over the years and I feel like it's one of the questions that I ask other people all the time is how's your walk with God going? And I think this question is I love that God talks about. From the very beginning, they were walking in the garden with God. There's this idea of conversation and walking and it's not a sprint. It's a long journey and you walk in that journey with God. But I like asking other people that question, like asking you that.

Danny Ray 10:38

And it's not to put you down like, oh, I haven't seen you. It's really to inspire us to re-evaluate where we are in our relationship with God and asking that question of how's your walk with God going?

Kimberly 10:56

Yeah, and a response to that might look like how close you feel to God at the moment. Yeah, now, theologically I would argue, and I think you would too, that God never moves. So the closeness factor doesn't really but there is. We are emotional feeling beings.

Danny Ray 11:17

He doesn't move away from us. Yes, I feel like I'm doing a great job, he's closer, and if I'm not doing a great job, he's further away.

Kimberly 11:26

Right. Our worth is not contingent on what we're doing that way.

Danny Ray 11:30

This idea that we have to earn his approval or whatever is really not based on the scriptures at all. He's a God of grace and a God of love and gives his love. Is just who he is Right.

Kimberly 11:44

But answering the question how's your walk with God?

Danny Ray 11:47

Yeah.

Kimberly 11:48

Sometimes it's really real. Sometimes it could be like, well, I'm angry at him. Yeah, let's say they're going through this devastating loss in their family and yeah, they might be really mad. They might need that space to share that with their spouse and say it is really hard to even talk to God right now. Or yeah, there could be any number of responses. Those are just a couple of ideas.

Danny Ray 12:14

My challenge, as I've asked this question a lot to you, but also to other people, is I think sometimes it's a really difficult question to to answer and will answer everything around it. I'm like, oh, I haven't been going to church a lot.

Kimberly 12:32

Yeah.

Danny Ray 12:33

Okay, oh, you know, I forgot my Bible and I haven't been getting into that. Those are things you do, but, like, your relationship with God isn't based on like, oh, I went to church or I read my Bible.

Kimberly 12:47

There's many times in that year.

Danny Ray 12:48

Yeah, you know, and so really trying to evaluate that both for yourself but also to ask your spouse, like where they're at and like I feel really close, I've been getting into God's word and I feel like I'm hearing from them in there or vice versa I'm angry at them, like all those are a connection to God and how you're experiencing them at any given moment. But yeah, talking about all the things around it actually dodges the question.

Kimberly 13:19

Good point, good point, so All right, great job.

Danny Ray 13:23

Question number three oh, that was great.

Kimberly 13:25

Sorry, number four yes, what are your fears and insecurities?

Danny Ray 13:30

Oh, I hope you're not asking me that. Yeah, you want me to publicly ask that? Like you, put me on the spot, you can do what you have to do.

Kimberly 13:38

No. So this definitely gives opportunity to be vulnerable probably, yeah, maybe, one of the most vulnerable of these questions, I'm not sure but it does allow us the possibility of being more intimate with each other emotionally, especially the more vulnerable we can be with this. So by sharing your fears, your insecurities with each other, you're inviting the other person into your deepest parts of yourself. Right, it's that probably nobody else. You might not share that with anybody else.

Danny Ray 14:15

And then you're how you have doing that, though, and especially like from just a. You know, I know, in therapy you're asking some of those questions and getting that, and some couples are kind of hearing that for the first time. But what's that look like? When we ask each other those questions, what's the risk and the reward that we can receive?

Kimberly 14:35

Yeah, great question. Well, we're definitely gives us opportunity for that emotional connection that we wouldn't otherwise get right. So if you say I'm scared about such and such in maybe as a performer on stage, and you share something like that with me, it's also important what I do with that right, my response to that fear, but the opportunity, the value in that is that now I can validate that or just listen and be there to go oh, that would be hard, that must feel really scary, that you feel like that, and I can be curious with that and ask more questions Like how long have you been going through that?

Danny Ray 15:25

Yeah, yeah.

Kimberly 15:26

And have you ever felt like that before? Like, is this something coming up that's been triggered? Or is it just a fear for you know, for right now, or something that is scary about the future? Right, it allows for deeper questions, which allows for deeper connection between the two of us, as long as we're not invalidating that and going, oh well, that's a stupid fear or that's a right, yeah, yeah yeah, and another one actually that could really easily happen is, you know, insecurities that we have, maybe about our physical body.

Overcoming Relationship Challenges Together

Kimberly 15:58

Right, it might be an insecurity that you share with your spouse and that could be really vulnerable to share that right that I'm not feeling really great about my body right now and the response to that needs to be from a caring and empathetic standpoint rather than dismissive right Like, oh you look fine Is not going to be a great response, right.

Danny Ray 16:30

So let me try to ask this question within this question.

Kimberly 16:35

Okay.

Danny Ray 16:37

So you're saying that's not like a healthy response, to be dismissive, but what do you do when the person gives, maybe, the right answer Like you look beautiful, you look great.

Kimberly 16:49

What can I?

Danny Ray 16:50

do to help. You know I'm here for you, but there's a withdrawal that happens because of their own insecurities. So, even though the other spouse might be trying to say all the right things of validating and hearing and understanding and I'm here for you and how can I help, but there's a withdrawal because of their own fears and insecurities about how they look and feel.

Kimberly 17:14

I have to say I find it hard for somebody to believe somebody would draw at that point. So I'm trying to figure out. If this is a discussion we've recently had and you're saying that I did that or not. I think, if you respond, with those, those types of answers, and you're validating and you're saying I get that.

Danny Ray 17:34

that's yucky to feel that way to let me be more specific, because you're saying you don't, you can't see that happening. I'll give you specifics where I think you can see somebody genuinely has like anorexia or the some sort of eating disorder, where they associate even healthy things that other people might say as like, that they either have to really hear it because, even though what they view isn't true, they believe that it is yeah, so that's a dysmorphia, so that's really more of a of a mental health issue, and a dangerous one.

Kimberly 18:12

Obviously, with with something like anorexia or bulimia can really, in worse cases, cause the loss of life. So that would be a separate thing. But really, again, the caution would be don't be dismissive. Like I look fine is not going to be super encouraging for anybody. But for them to look them in the eyes and say, hey, I'm, I'm concerned about that, I hear you that you don't see yourself the beautiful way that I see you, and I think there's something.

Kimberly 18:50

I think we need some help here because this is not I'm worried about losing you right and allows the other person to even express their fears and concerns that way for the person that's feeling that way.

Danny Ray 19:02

Is there an exercise or something that they might be able to do that would be helpful? You know writing down scriptures, writing down things about themselves, or are there things that you found absolutely?

Kimberly 19:15

for for all of us, you know, when those insecurities pop up, it's typically we're believing a lie, right, something that the world is told us or the enemy has told us and or something in our upbringing has told us. And so finding the truth finding, you know, scripture to remind us of the truth, is absolutely powerful and a good exercise. But I would still put the caveat there that if we're talking somebody dealing with with a mental health and physical health issue like that, I'd really really encourage them to seek professional help, because that's not something that just goes away on its own and it's not something that somebody can just kind of love them into a new way of life. Yeah, so that that does need some, but yeah, great questions for sure, right, so let's hit that.

Danny Ray 20:06

Next question is this number five number five number five. Give it to us all right.

Navigating Marriage as a Team

Kimberly 20:11

How do you envision overcoming the challenges together? So that's a really interesting one, because obviously every marriage faces its you know fair share of challenges and they can be financial struggles, health issues, conflicts, difficulties communicating with each other. They can be gosh things with with kids, that maybe differences and how we raise, want to raise the kids, all of those things. So, or or loss of a child any of those things could be absolutely really treacherous for the, for the marriage. So discussing how you want to overcome those things obviously like it will build strength for you both, right, if you're. I think the key to this one is how do we do it as a team? How do we? Because you're going to have a way of dealing with whatever struggles we have and I'm going to have a way of dealing with struggles that we have yeah not going to come, and that's for most marriages, so we're going to automatically want to approach it differently.

Danny Ray 21:29

Yeah, so which is healthy, like we approach? Things very differently.

Kimberly 21:33

It's not always easy, but not always easy. We now can value it.

Danny Ray 21:38

Yes, but like when the kids come and they have a question for us, it's not like we go, hey, here's the right answer. It's like you'll give an answer and then I'm like, well, what about this? You're like, well, I don't know about that, and we kind of go back and forth.

Kimberly 21:49

It's true I remember my parents doing that too and be like, oh wow, they both sound so right and they both sound so definitive, Like this is the right way to do it. But it did give me my own ideas to go. Ok, I'm going to take into consideration both mom's opinion, dad's opinion and, kind of form, my own.

Danny Ray 22:07

I think we're able to do that because we've had these questions.

Kimberly 22:12

We've answered these questions and talked about it way before.

Danny Ray 22:16

We do that in front of the kids, Because it's not me dismissing your idea, it's not me saying I think your idea is horrible. It's like hey, I see things differently than mom, what about this? And then you're like, well, I don't know about. And so we know that we love each other, that we appreciate each other's differences. But I think that happens by having this conversation of going like hey, when it comes to challenges, how are we going to overcome those what's that look like? Do we always have to be in agreement? Do we need to be in agreement?

Kimberly 22:52

publicly Do we?

Danny Ray 22:54

I know for you having an argument in front of the kids. You're like I don't care, I'm going to, we're for me. That felt more embarrassing early on. And so we had to talk about that and go like, hey, I'm not OK having this conversation publicly. I'd like to have this privately. And so those things with learning your strengths and your weaknesses your preferences when it comes to challenges and how to deal with those.

Kimberly 23:23

Yeah, for sure. And bottom line be a team, Stay on the same page.

Danny Ray 23:29

So this next question. I want to ask this, and I think it's kind of a fun question to really be able to pour into the other person and to be able to encourage them. But the question is this how do you receive gratitude and appreciation in your daily life, and how can I do that? More so, when you think about gratitude, the things that you're thankful for, how do you best receive that? I could tell you, oh, I love your car. That doesn't do anything. My what? Your car Right.

Kimberly 24:08

OK, no, I don't care.

Danny Ray 24:11

But so I'll take something that you do care about. Ok, I love the clothes you have on, right?

Kimberly 24:19

now OK, yeah.

Danny Ray 24:20

So they're both objects, you have one for you. It's meaningful, but there's some people that they love their car.

Kimberly 24:29

Oh, absolutely.

Danny Ray 24:30

And they put time and energy in it yeah, yeah, yeah. And so saying like, hey, I appreciate the time you've spent on, your car looks great today. But how do you receive gratitude, thankfulness, and how can I show you appreciation for what you do? Is that through words of affirmation? Can I show you appreciation through a gift? Can?

Danny Ray 24:57

I show you appreciation through taking you out, kind of a reward. So I think the idea of having a conversation about how do you receive things best or how would you like to like, I know for you. When you were working Mary Kay years ago and they gave you like your first ribbon, you were like this is the greatest thing ever. I'm like if only I would have known that you just gave a ribbon to be shown appreciation Yep. That would have helped me out a lot early on.

Kimberly 25:28

Yep, yep, I did not grow up earning any ribbons maybe one or two, and so, yeah, a ribbon as an adult for doing hard work was like whoa, I got recognized, I got acknowledged yeah for me. And yeah, the ribbon. I think I'm in a different stage of life. A ribbon's not quite good to it for me now, but definitely you affirming me and encouraging me. The words, I think, are how.

Kimberly 25:59

But what we've noticed recently is that you're really great at affirming me and saying thank you for, hey, thanks for keeping a house that's relatively clean. It's picked up at least all the time may not be clean, but it's picked up all the time, and that's something you acknowledge from being on the road and traveling so much, and that it's nice for you to come home to, and so you're always grateful for that, which I really appreciate that and that makes me want to continue to keep the house up that way. But when I turn around and I try and affirm you and say it's interesting, there's some things that I think that are fine if I say, hey, thanks for being on the road and working so hard and doing that event that you did and whatever state you were at last week, and I tell you that I'm grateful for it. I think you're fine with that.

Danny Ray 26:55

Right it may not do no, I do appreciate that.

Kimberly 26:58

Okay, okay, but then when I try to say, like, look into your eyes and get a little mushy and tell you some of the things, I appreciate that that's a little harder to receive. Am I right in that or no?

Danny Ray 27:11

No, I would agree with that. I know you think those things about me and you value me, but I think maybe harder to receive that yeah yeah, interesting.

Kimberly 27:22

So it just makes me think that I wonder if those of us who well, specifically you in this incident are, you're good at giving that to other people, affirming other people and being grateful for them.

Danny Ray 27:36

So you're saying I need to work on receiving that better?

Kimberly 27:39

I'm just wondering if that in turn makes it difficult to hear it, to receive it, I don't know just a theory.

Danny Ray 27:50

I will have to do it. I will ponder that. Okay, you ponder too this last question. We wanna save it for last, these aren't like in order, but we just felt like this is a really important question to ask in terms of our marriage. So I will let you wrap this up with the final question being All right.

Kimberly 28:11

What are your priorities as a couple? You want that one or you want a different question?

Danny Ray 28:19

You know what? I wanna see where you're gonna lay in this thing. You know we have-.

Kimberly 28:24

Oh, you just threw that out there and I had to choose between the last two that we have here. All right, all right.

Kimberly 28:31

So we're gonna go with yeah, what are your priorities as a couple? And essentially, obviously in our culture today, in our everyday life, there's a lot of running around rushing around, get to this, do that, take kids here, get to church all those things right, and we can lose sight really easily of what truly matters. So identifying our priorities as a couple really helps be intentional about nurturing that emotional connection, that physical connection.

Danny Ray 29:05

Yeah, just to give like an idea from the show. We haven't talked too much about the show, even though, like this is in the context of a show, for me is as a-.

Kimberly 29:17

Which is a magic show, just for random new listeners.

Danny Ray 29:20

So as a performer, right, I could go in and I could do some comedy stuff. I could do just some fun entertainment, whatever that might be. But if they've hired me in for a magic show, right, that might be my top priority as if they see magic right and when we look at our marriages we have to go.

Legacy-Driven Marriage Priorities

Danny Ray 29:43

What are our top priorities? And for us, our top priority is that we're going to love each other. We're going to do whatever it takes to create that great marriage so that the other person feels loved and cherished and honored in the context of our marriage. Now at work they might not feel that, in friendships they might fall apart. But the home front we're gonna do whatever it takes to really make sure that our priority is creating a great marriage.

Kimberly 30:16

Yeah, and I'd say maybe, in addition to that, another priority has been to have a marriage that our kids could look at and go okay, this is what how I should be as a man, this is how I should be as a woman if I get married some days.

Danny Ray 30:35

so Right, so to have the we call it the legacy-driven marriage is that we wanna have. We're looking at the legacy. We wanna live having that end in mind and not just going like we all have things that we need to get done today, right, but we also wanna have that forethought of like, hey, when this all ends at some point, what are we leaving behind? And stuff is one thing, but to pour into your kids and let them see.

Kimberly 31:08

In a way that you're an example, yeah, yeah. Or if you don't have kids.

Danny Ray 31:12

Just being that example to your family, to your coworkers to whoever's around you. That wow, that marriage.

Kimberly 31:20

That's a reflection of God in their marriage.

Danny Ray 31:22

Yeah, it's a reflection of who God is, that he's the center.

Kimberly 31:26

Yeah, yeah, awesome.

Danny Ray 31:27

All right. With that said, we hope these questions help you and encourage you, and help you to draw closer to one another and that you do whatever it takes to create a great marriage.

Kimberly 31:38

That's right, we'll see you next time.