S3: E7- The Power of Fine Tuning Your Marriage

Have you ever considered that a successful marriage might just be like perfecting a spellbinding magic act? Allow us to enchant you with our insights as we, Danny Ray, a magician with a knack for the extraordinary, and Kimberly, an insightful associate marriage and family therapist, share our personal 28-year odyssey of love and commitment. Together, we draw astonishing parallels between the awe of a magic show and the delicate dance of a marriage, underscoring the importance of constant evaluation, genuine feedback, and the art of tender communication. As we reflect on the wisdom of Proverbs 15:1, we'll guide you through the process of cultivating your relationship with the care and attentiveness of tending a vibrant garden. Our conversation is a tribute to all the couples out there who believe in the magic of growth and the power of nurturing their bond.

Within the realm of matrimony, we also delve into the deeply personal aspects that make or break the connection between two souls. Acknowledge the beauty in our differences as we discuss the significance of respecting individual needs for rest, relaxation, and personal fulfillment. Learn how we navigated the challenges of the pandemic, using it as an impetus for further education and enriching our own marriage in the process. We'll talk about the dance of communication, ensuring that the melodies of our individual lives harmonize with the shared rhythm of our partnership. Sharing our love for songs and podcasts, just as we do with our hearts, we uncover how cultivating personal interests can foster mutual understanding and growth. Join us as we unravel the continuous, loving effort it takes to fine-tune a marriage into a masterpiece of affection and companionship.

Transcript

Fine-Tuning Your Marriage Together

Danny Ray 0:20

We are back. I am Danny Ray and this is my incredible wife, kimberly, so I am a magician and a pastor, among other things, and you are.

Kimberly 0:31

I am other things as well. I would say a mother, a wife, and I am an associate marriage and family therapist.

Danny Ray 0:42

So, if you're just tuning into this podcast for the first time, we wrote a book called no, I Can't Make your Wife Disappear. That's right, baby. Based on a common question that we get, and the idea was like how can we create a fun book based around, like a magic show, a magician's perspective on marriage? And we've been married for almost 28 years and one of the things that is like a core value for us is we do whatever it takes to create a great marriage and we made that decision our first year of marriage and we try to keep that going every year to just create a great marriage.

Danny Ray 1:21

And then, about a year and a half ago or so, we started this podcast with the idea of how can we help others to really create great marriages. And so, yeah, if you're tuning in for the first time, we hope that this particular episode will be a great way to jump in, because we're talking about how to fine tune your marriage today. So maybe you're in a great position, but fine tuning is something you could always do, or, if things are falling apart, might be time to, you know, get a checkup, make some changes and tune up in other ways.

Kimberly 1:55

Yeah, and you do this in your magic shows. So, or after a magic show, you evaluate how did that show go? Is there anything that I could be doing better or differently? You're gauging the reactions of the audience and what's their part, their role. But what's your role? What do you control that you can change and maybe do something better or differently?

Danny Ray 2:24

Yeah, let me talk about that. So for the last 20 years I've been on the road. It's been a crazy journey. I've been to all 50 states, 20 some countries and around 4,000 shows. I've had somebody travel with me to about 99% of those shows to video. Usually it's large audiences and there's somebody running the camera and the unique opportunity I have is with that person. For about 10 years it was the same person, but then, with different camera operators over the years.

Danny Ray 2:59

I have a conversation with them every time after the show like what could I do better? I'm 4,000 shows in and I'm still asking this question because I don't want my last show to be like oh yeah, it's perfect, I never have to work on it, it's fine, I'm always like how can I tweak something?

Danny Ray 3:17

Is there a line I said? Is there a conversation I had? Is there a connection I had? And I think this is really true when it comes to our marriage. We've probably, if you've been married for a year or 10 years, you've literally had thousands and thousands of conversations with your spouse. But how can you fine tune and make those better? So that's yeah.

Kimberly 3:39

And it's something we do. I mean, you do that for your shows, which is our ministry. You do that for for your shows, which is our ministry. Um, but people do it in business and you know they have to evaluate each quarter and decide okay, did you know? Is there anything we need to do differently? Um, people do it with their cars, right, you take the car in for a tune up?

Danny Ray 4:00

Well, maybe we don't, but I hear that people do that and that it's beneficial for the car and necessary, come on, my car's still going after 20 years. Dump truck is a machine, dump truck's amazing.

Kimberly 4:12

Yes, affectionately known as dump truck, a little car that Danny drives that the youngest child named dump truck. But it is not a dump truck. Just to clarify.

Danny Ray 4:24

I think they got that.

Kimberly 4:26

Okay, okay, good, so, yeah, so fine, tuning things, making changes, what can we? So? It might mean that you evaluate this on your own thinking of how your role is in your marriage and thinking just on your own what can I do better? What can I do differently? But it might be a really good conversation for both of you to have. Hey, is there anything from your perspective that you think I could do differently or better, or we together could do differently?

Danny Ray 4:55

Yeah, think of a proverb in Proverbs 15, one. It says a gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. And as we look at fine tuning and connecting with our spouse, we want to make sure we're doing that gently, that we're not just kind of abruptly saying hey, you know, when you park the car in the driveway you could park it Like, even if it's something as small as that, right, the way somebody parks, you know, could be frustrating, but the way you handle that um is going to really help you to um make those things even better, make that for a stronger relationship instead of hindering it. Um, you're yeah.

Danny Ray 5:58

You can harm it or yeah, yeah, yeah, harm the relationship or help the relationship. Yeah, yeah, harm the relationship or help the relationship, not kind of the broader strokes, but maybe something that hasn't had attention to it before, so you want to make sure you're handling that with with care, Like I think of another way of looking at this is like a garden We've talked about this a lot and with when you see somebody's garden and it's like perfect out front, and then all of a sudden it's like huh the garden's starting to turn, grass is starting to go brown.

Danny Ray 6:32

We always think, hmm, what's going on in that marriage?

Kimberly 6:35

Including our own. Our own yard is evidence of that. Yeah, a little theory we have on the side.

Danny Ray 6:43

Theory on the side, but the reality is, you know, a garden needs attention, yeah, and it needs, you know, the pruning and the fine tuning of that to make it flourish and to make it great, and I think that's.

Kimberly 6:57

I want to note, because you're kind of talking about timing and approach in how to even address this topic, about fine tuning, but really it needs to be our motive matters. So if I come to you and say, hey, we need to talk, here are all the things that I came up with that you need to change and fine-tune in our marriage.

Danny Ray 7:17

I think that's great. The things you need to change Perfect.

Kimberly 7:21

Exactly so. There's a big difference in me coming to you with a list of complaints, yeah. And instead of that because, exactly so, there's a big difference in me coming to you with a list of complaints, yeah, and instead of that, because that's not going to go well. Instead of that, I can approach you with an open heart and open mind, going what can I personally change? And I'm asking you which can be hard, so you have to be in that headspace to receive that.

Danny Ray 7:42

Yeah, I think another like turning the tables on this for a second another way to approach. This is, let's say, you go on a date and the date goes great to reflect on that Like hey, why did? This go so well, Like this is fun. Let's make this happen again. What do we do? Well, how can we celebrate this moment? But how can we work on creating this moment again? So, like, when I think of my show, it's not like let's find all the things wrong.

Danny Ray 8:10

We tend to have those conversations, but we also talk about all the things that went right. Right, like wow, at the beginning you had everybody laughing. You know normally takes you two or three minutes to get to that point.

Kimberly 8:24

So what was the difference?

Danny Ray 8:25

Yeah, and oftentimes, if that because that's come up quite a bit over the years is there something that I heard that happened ahead of time and maybe Like in the crowd that they're talking and you're behind stage and you hear them say something, so they don't even know you hear it, yeah, and when I hear those things and put it into the show, they feel like I'm a part of that group and there's connection.

Danny Ray 8:52

And I think when you look at a date right and go like, hey, why did this go Well? You could look at all the positive things. But maybe there's things that even before the date started that you helped to set up for success, and maybe we're the only ones who have had date fails where we're like, well, that didn't go well, we're getting into a fight and it feels like it ruins the date. But evaluating those two and going like okay, why is it that we let this trip us up? Why?

Kimberly 9:23

is it? That we Because we were so hungry.

Danny Ray 9:26

Oh, that's nine out of 10 times.

Kimberly 9:29

It's very possible anyway, all right. So what would be another one in fine tuning the relationship you've got? How about the one to beat? Did you want to talk about that? Yeah, so I.

Danny Ray 9:43

I always like this idea of the one to beat, and so when I, when I create a moment in a show and it's just like crazy good, you, you create a date in your marriage, and it's like crazy good, I go okay, that's the new standard.

Kimberly 10:00

That's the one to beat.

Danny Ray 10:01

That's the date to beat. That's the date to beat. That's the trick to. You know, how do I come over the top? And I think in our you know marriages, when we start to put that type of attention of like man, we had a great day, how can? We make you know, the next day even better. Hey, we had a great vacation. We didn't do all the things that made our last vacation fall apart. This is the ideal vacation let's let and it doesn't mean go to the same location. It's like what are the things?

Kimberly 10:30

And it doesn't have to mean spend a ton more, right.

Danny Ray 10:33

Yeah, so it's. Sometimes, you know, there's people that are in a position where, sure, if that works for them, yeah't a concern and they could spend more. But usually you could spend a gazillion dollars and a date could fall apart. Yes, or you could spend nothing and it could fall apart. I don't think the principles for how things are successful by caring for somebody else, by hearing them and trying to listen to them. Maybe grabbing you know? Grabbing you know?

Danny Ray 11:04

10 questions that you want to ask on this date and you know, to get to know your spouse in a deeper way, or I?

Kimberly 11:10

like the to me somewhat next level on a date Now, this is not me asking you to do this.

Kimberly 11:17

We have done this at times, but no, no, no, I'm just saying I don't know how how often other people do this, um, and it may or may not be helpful to them, but uh, we've had it where you know, once you're married, you're often just hopping in the car on a date together, right, you're just going to the garage, getting in the car and you go off together. But when you were dating as uh before, you were together.

Fine-Tuning Your Marriage Relationships

Kimberly 11:40

But when you were dating as uh before you were married, when you were dating yeah somebody might be one of you might be showing up at the other person's door, and then there's the the walk down the path to the car and somebody's opening doors, and right it's, there's this romantic part to it that, um, easily get lost by. Just all right, we're going on a date, we're hopping in the car together, so, anyway, just an idea that I know we've done once in a while, where you'll show up at the door and we do the date that way. So what else you got for?

Danny Ray 12:18

us. So this idea of fine tuning your marriage. So there's different levels that we all need. One, like I'll just say, for rest and relaxation right. Is. I might go sit out by the pool and take a book out there and 20 minutes later I feel like refreshed, recharged, ready to go, or sunburned.

Danny Ray 12:44

Sunburned is probably the reality. Yeah, I better be in the shade. Yeah, where, where you, you? Uh, you might do that in 20 minutes. All you've done is like, think about, like, oh, I forgot to put this, oh, my car is this or this and then 20 minutes, you still kind of feel stuck. Yeah, in the the fine tune, uh, like argument for marriage, that I want to make is that we assume that the other person because I feel refreshed after 20 minutes that's what they need that.

Danny Ray 13:16

So it's like hey, babe, I want to give this to you. I'm going to give you just 20 minutes on your own in the sun. Just do nothing, and you feel stuck. When you come back in, I'm like, don't you feel refreshed and recharged and ready to go, when what you needed was maybe an hour or maybe-.

Kimberly 13:32

An hour sniffing candles at Ross Ooh wow, there is something.

Danny Ray 13:37

never send me on a you would hate that Right.

Kimberly 13:42

But our different needs, different ways of filling our cup.

Danny Ray 13:45

Look at our intimacy needs. I might go. Oh, I would like to have sex two times a week five times a week, all the time. Right, but when we look at what the actual needs are, right, yeah. But you might go like, oh, I only need it once a week once a month, once every other week.

Kimberly 14:06

whatever those numbers, Hopefully more than once a month.

Danny Ray 14:10

But right the needs when they're different, it becomes how do you serve the other, not how do you meet your own needs, because they're not wrong.

Kimberly 14:18

I think that's the big part of it. Right, they're not wrong just because your needs are different than mine or my needs are different than yours doesn't make them wrong. And I'll throw this out there too, real quick that we are responsible for meeting our own needs to some extent, right. So if I realize I need a break, that's not your job to figure that out and figure out what to do Now.

Kimberly 14:42

It's helpful sometimes when we offer suggestions, but it is my responsibility to figure out. Oh, I'm running on empty. I need a break. I need to do something to fill my cup.

Danny Ray 14:54

Yeah, and what that break looks like for you and for your spouse, or two different things. But we could talk about 50 of these things where they're you know it could be how long you could handle at work. You know where I'm like oh, I worked 12 hours and I'm ready to go, I'm fine, and you're like I worked six hours and I'm done, you know, and. But we can't just put that burden on somebody else and go.

Danny Ray 15:18

well, they should be like me that happens a lot in marriages, all of these levels that I'm at and we could take emotionally right, where I might be able to give four on the empathy scale and you give eight. But you're like I want eight, I'm like I could, like four is my 10, four is me giving my best, you know, and it can't just be this demand of like well, you need to do, um, you need to bring this to this for me. Right, we have to meet people where they're at instead of within their abilities.

Danny Ray 15:53

Yeah, uh. But that, that fine tune, I think, has helped me in terms of my show, is what are all the different levels in a show that I'm trying to create from an emotional connection that might be very like, not sad, but where, you know, might connect on the heart level, but then there's other moments that connect on the surprise level, and then you know. So I'm creating these different levels in the show, but in our marriage we have different levels. Like, let me take each spouse. Our spouse has different levels of things and I have different levels and we have to meet each other where, where we're at.

Kimberly 16:30

Yeah, yeah for sure. But that takes a conversation right, having to figure that out together. I like this idea too, in the fine-tuning of the marriage, maybe asking yourself and each other how are you encouraging individual growth so a big one for us? That happened in the pandemic. Was you sending me back to school or us having that decision, that conversation? I say you sending me because you're the dreamer and I'll sit back and wait for things to happen, but you make them happen, and so that was something we knew that I wanted for a long time, but we were waiting for the perfect timing and a pandemic will do it.

Kimberly 17:19

Pandemic will do it, as as a lot of people out there can attest to. So that made sense for me to go back to school during that time and pursue being a marriage and family therapist with with a license, not just doing it as a lay person, as I did for so many years before that, but encouraging individual growth I don't think we talk a whole lot about in marriages and it's so important, right?

Kimberly 17:46

If I'm not growing, if I have nothing to share with you at the end of the day, then, yeah, it's going to feel stagnant, because it is right, so asking each other hey, how can I help you to grow? What? What are you reading right now? Share that with me. What do you? You know, what did you? I was going to say here on the radio, but that's me, that's not you.

Danny Ray 18:10

You know, I listen to a podcast or Spotify or any number of things where we could learn and grow, and even music.

Kimberly 18:20

Yeah, what's your favorite song right now? What?

Danny Ray 18:22

are you listening to these days? What's you know? What's you know? What's your jam?

Kimberly 18:27

Yeah, and why does it speak to you? And what's you know is it?

Danny Ray 18:31

Yeah, I think with any of those you could get closer. You could fine tune like yeah, yeah, I know the music they listen to, but why do they listen to it? What do they love about it? Right, and then, on the other side of that, what about going to one of their concerts?

Kimberly 18:47

What about doing? You know, like it's creating those when can you join them? Yeah, so individually, they're growing as an individual, but then where can you join each other?

Danny Ray 18:53

Because you want to continue what I would say. Three things companionship right Is that connection and that companionship and getting to know the other person. You want to continue to build trust and as you build that trust, they're going to feel like they could share more and connect more. And you want to continue to grow in intimacy. And I'll say intimacy in every area, from the bedroom to the kitchen is, I think, there. There are all kinds of ways we could learn to be intimate.

Kimberly 19:23

Yeah, you're saying like the emotional part and the physical intimacy. Both those, yeah, okay.

Danny Ray 19:27

I heard kitchen and I was trying to figure out what. What am I?

Kimberly 19:30

doing in the kitchen. Okay, You're not, I'm not, I'd really rather not Thank you. Thanks for the offer, um, and also, we can't skip out on, you know, a conversation about where is christ in our marriage. Is christ at the center of our marriage?

Danny Ray 19:49

how are?

Kimberly 19:49

we, how are we doing on that? Um, are there ways that we could be doing that better or differently?

Danny Ray 19:56

yeah, one of the, the key questions that I feel like we ask others and ourselves on a on a regular basis and being open to the answer and honest with how you respond, is how's your walk with God going? And being open with that of like I'm just really struggling or I'm not hearing his voice right now, or I feel like my time and God's word I just feel like it's lacking or I don't even have the desire, or things are going great and I feel like I'm loving God more and loving others more, doing the thing he's called me to do better. In talking about the passions, the ups, the downs, I think in any long season when you look at marriage you're in a long season. There's going to be those ups and downs and trying to be real and honest, but it happens with all three of those, you know, building that trust and developing the companionship and being intimate with one another.

Kimberly 21:02

For sure. I think I would add one more. I don't know if you have another after that processing that, after an event where you've done a magic show and you're processing this, usually with a videographer um, that's a form of seeking help. You're not doing it alone right, you're getting advice from somebody else's perspective, not just your own.

Danny Ray 21:28

It's so great to be able to do it yeah.

Kimberly 21:30

You love doing that? Yeah, it's so helpful because somebody else's perspective.

Danny Ray 21:34

Yeah, it's like, oh, I didn't see that, I didn't think about that, you know, because obviously there's only so much you could think about and process. But yeah, having an outside, perspective.

Kimberly 21:45

Yeah, yeah, and people do that in business. They go oh okay, I think I need somebody else's perspective on this. How do we increase our sales this month? Or you know those kinds of things.

Danny Ray 21:56

Right, yeah, hire a consultant or a coach. Yes, exactly, you know, hire somebody in for the marketing team or any number of things like that, Because if we just leave it stagnant, we can't expect growth right.

Kimberly 22:08

If we don't make any changes, most of the times things aren't going to grow or get better or right. So seeking help when that's needed in the marriage as well.

Danny Ray 22:20

Not even necessarily be like. I think sometimes we we think of that word help and we're like, oh, I need to go to therapy or I need to go talk to my pastor and like help could just be going out with friends and saying, hey, uh, I don't know what you guys are struggling with, but this week we've been going through this and like oh yeah, we've done that, but I feel like this really helped us. We've read this book together.

Danny Ray 22:46

We went through this devotional together or we joined this Bible study, or we saw this therapist, or we went to our pastor or hey, you need to call up a friend of mine. He really helped know, really helped us navigate. You know, there's different ways, I think, to just look at how can you get somebody else to come alongside, whether that's another couple, and maybe it's just space. You know, sometimes it's not even another person. You just need space to get away for a weekend to process those things and that could be a help.

Danny Ray 23:21

So there's a lot of different ways we could get help in a different perspective, but definitely, you know, through um, through others, is a key part of that.

Kimberly 23:29

Yep, yep, that's. That's what I've got.

Danny Ray 23:32

All right. Well, we're going to wrap it up with that, that, and thank you for tuning in. And, yeah, please let us know your feedback at danny, at dannyraymagiccom if you have questions or ideas that we could help out with. We'd love to be a part of that. Thank you for tuning in. This is danny ray and kimberly and we do whatever it takes.