S4:E2 Marriage Metaphors: Marriage is Like an iPhone

Discover the secret to a thriving marriage with a twist—imagine your relationship as an iPhone in need of regular updates! Join us, Danny Ray and Kimberly, as we navigate the complexities of wedded bliss with laughter and lessons alike. We promise an enlightening journey that compares the quirks of marital life to the ins and outs of your favorite gadget. From the unique 'apps' each partner offers to the necessity of a 'protective case' to keep the bond strong, we're spilling our personal stories and the wisdom they've etched in our hearts.

Our chat isn't just about love and laughter; it's about growth and grit. We tackle the importance of admitting when we're wrong—those "I told you so" moments that can either trip us up or transform us. Just like skipping an iPhone update can leave you with a sluggish device, ignoring your partner's insights might mean missing out on essential relationship 'fixes'. We explore how to keep our commitments fresh with regular maintenance, apologies, and a dedication to listening and improving together—because let's face it, even the best relationships hit a snag now and then.

Wrapping up with a humorous glance at New Hampshire's take on liberty (seatbelt laws included), we invite our listeners to buckle up for a ride through the twists and turns of love's highway. We're eager to hear your thoughts, so don't be shy—like, subscribe, and drop us a review. Stay tuned for more episodes where we pull back the curtain on the real work of marriage, all served with a side of chuckles and charm. Grab your coffee and join us on this adventure—your marriage might just thank you for it!

Transcript

Marriage Metaphors and iPhone Comparisons

Danny Ray 0:20

We are back. It's been a little bit. My name is Danny Ray and this is I'm Kimberly. Yeah, and we are in the middle of a new season, season four, talking about metaphors, and it's fascinating to think about metaphors in general, but in terms of marriage, it seems like so many different people we talk to they have an analogy or a marriage metaphor and so we've been collecting these and we want to share different metaphors that we've learned over the years and things that are visual, that help.

Danny Ray 0:55

Here's what's interesting, because I realize we're doing this over the radio, but there was a magician years ago. If you don't know, you're tuning in for the first time. I'm a magician as well, but so, uh, as a magician, he said the most visual form of magic you could do is over the radio. What? And I was like what? Then I did a hundred or or so for the book last year. Uh, just interview after interview after interview, and I started to realize, as I was creating, um, magic over the radio, that there's nothing like it. It's all happening in the person's mind.

Danny Ray 1:36

And so, like one of the ideas, this is just completely off topic from our marriage metaphors but, but like. One of ideas was you can make a coin fly across the room over the radio waves just using your voice and your technique and your explanation, and over the radio it seems like that coin vanished and appeared 20 feet away where in reality you couldn't ever do that. But it's not that you're faking anything, it's that the experience is different over the airwaves.

Kimberly 2:10

When you're hearing it and picturing it. Yeah, so hard to explain.

Danny Ray 2:15

But yeah, it's fun to create things over the airwaves, but for now we're talking about metaphors. You want to talk a little bit about that?

Kimberly 2:24

Yeah, we want to. Actually over this next season we'll go through quite a few metaphors that we have for marriage, just hoping that maybe one or two of them will grab your attention and really resonate with you. The first one we want to give is a marriage is like an iPhone what You're saying I'm a phone.

Danny Ray 2:47

No, but our marriage can be like yeah, even when you're sitting right there sometimes right, I can just turn it off. It'll leave me alone.

Kimberly 2:57

Oh interesting, Can we turn each other off like that? Okay, we digress.

Danny Ray 3:05

Tell me more.

Kimberly 3:05

Tell you more. So a marriage is like an iphone, right, and I'm going to give you um a few reasons, six of them to be specific and then we'll go back and and go through them. But, um, it's like an iphone because there are constant updates. There are apps and features to our marriage. There's a battery life to our marriage. There's a protective case Ah, that one is really cool. I like that. A protective case around the marriage, just like the iPhone. Or maybe you don't and you take risks, but that shouldn't be taken.

Danny Ray 3:44

Try fast take chances.

Kimberly 3:47

That was terrible advice. Anyway, technical support Sometimes we need technical support in our marriages and with our iPhones, and the last one that we're going to give you is personalization and that everybody's marriage is going to look different, just like everybody's iPhones. We personalize them to look different, so we'll go back and go through each of those, and that first one being constant updates. Mm-hmm, mm-hmm. I feel that in our marriage Constant updates.

Danny Ray 4:20

So when people ask we have our fair share of struggles like anybody else. And in fact this last week after I painted, kim got a good. I told you so After I painted one of the rooms in our house. It took three days. Maybe I'm just slow, but there was. We had to do the primer, we had to do all this and everything just took a little bit longer. But on the third day I picked up all the plastic, I put it all into a big pile and then I took all the other plastic, put it into a big pile.

Kimberly 4:59

Not just plastic. Yeah, cans of paint, all the paint, brushes and everything that was going into the trash.

Danny Ray 5:06

I had a big pile and then all the plastic underneath. I wrapped it all together and right as I was about to go, kim was like what if you take it out slowly, like one at a time? And I was like no.

Kimberly 5:22

I'm pretty sure I was more specific and said you know, I think there's this thing called gravity and I think the bigger objects are going to fall out of that, and then and I picked it all up I'm like it'll be fine and I take the first step and it it doesn't drip out the back.

Danny Ray 5:36

I can't see it, kim does.

Kimberly 5:39

Um, it doesn't drip, it is pouring pouring, pouring gray paints all over the carpet.

Danny Ray 5:45

Yes, and when she's like stop, stop, Did I stop.

Kimberly 5:50

No.

Danny Ray 5:51

I ran for the door thinking it's dripping.

Kimberly 5:54

Let me get out the door while she's screaming no, don't move, Then we have to clean it out of the hardwood floors as well, which, yeah, we'll let that go.

Danny Ray 6:06

How did that go, babe? Just tell us.

Marriage Requires Regular Updates

Kimberly 6:09

I don't often say I told you so, but that one I definitely gave you a very big. Oh yeah, you were riding that train.

Danny Ray 6:15

Oh, and then, like five minutes later, I went to go fix the lights outside and I didn't pull on them or yank on them or anything, but literally all of our string lights crashing to the ground, hundreds of lights, glass broken everywhere. It was an interesting day. We needed a major update. At the end of the day, we did so. That's the reality for any marriages. We need constant updates, but what I was going to say is we did refresh, we did update. We needed some space.

Kimberly 6:53

We needed some space. Yeah, it was not instant. It took a little while I had to apologize for my giant. I told you so.

Danny Ray 7:01

Yeah, you were definitely like yeah, I told you so and I was like if I would have made it outside and it made it into the trash.

Kimberly 7:08

Then you could have said I told you so.

Danny Ray 7:10

No, that's terrible yeah but we don't want to live in an. I told you so world?

Kimberly 7:15

No, not beneficial.

Kimberly 7:17

But you're the biggest one, I mean which you have been repeating that story not me, that is up to you. But yeah, we needed an update. That's just an update after, after a rupture in the relationship. But we also need updates just depending on the season that we're in. Right, so we've talked about different seasons that we've been in through the years, but so an iPhone requires regular updates to improve how it functions, its security, and a marriage is really similar to that. Right that if we make changes because we adapt, then that's going to give us the best potential possible. Right, when we leave our phones or our laptops un-updated, is that a word un-updated? Is that a word Un-updated?

Danny Ray 8:18

It is now. It is now Put that in the dictionary.

Kimberly 8:22

When we leave them like that, there's danger in that.

Danny Ray 8:26

Now I understand some people would say, well, I don't want the updates because there's issues, right, this isn't a perfect metaphor no metaphor is perfect but it gives us an idea of, yeah, creating those things that are secure right, and so staying up to date, exactly so.

Kimberly 8:43

Regular communication, learning about each other, learning about different seasons that we're in and acknowledging those yeah, I want to I want to back up that season for a second.

Danny Ray 8:53

Tell me more about what that might look like of updating a season versus like that. I don't even know if it was a fight but a frustration and and I told you so and tension and we had to kind of move forward. How do we apologize for the things? We need to apologize for not handling ourselves the way we'd want to? Handle ourselves in. You know saying I'll do a better job at listening. You know all those type of things. That's different than a season.

Navigating Updates and Differences in Marriage

Kimberly 9:27

Yeah, so seasons where we've needed updating in the marriage have been things like, things like gosh. I'll start way back with maybe in a season of you've just got married and I mean that's huge adjustments, right? And it's updating. You're just figuring things out. The next step for a lot of couples is maybe trying to have children or deciding not to have children or not being able to have children right.

Kimberly 9:56

All of those things require updates and adjusting, because it's difficult and then if children do come along, that can be really difficult and a blessing at the same time. But it needs an update. We aren't the same exact person.

Danny Ray 10:16

Okay, that makes sense Right.

Kimberly 10:18

That we were somebody. So a new job, a new New job, new kids Any of that could mean lack of sleep. I know new kids is kind of funny, but you've got foster, you've got whatever right, yeah, yeah.

Danny Ray 10:32

So new kids this weekend it happens.

Kimberly 10:36

Whatever God calls us to right Well, okay, not us on the new kids thing, but anyway, so may have shown too many cards there. So regular communication and updating and talking to each other and going, okay, you know what? We're in a season of lack of sleep or we're in a season of teenagers and where sometimes parenting we think that with teenagers it's going to be less hands-on and some of it needs to be more hands-on than expected, and so any of those, those are seasons and those require updating in the marriage, because if we just leave it the way it is and we go through all those transitions and keep thinking that it'll just be okay and fix itself, that's setting yourselves up for a fail really.

Danny Ray 11:34

So ideas if you're in a season where you're needing an update. Uh, proverbs 19 20 says listen to the advice and accept discipline and at the end, you will be counted among the wise. Is we want to be among the wise and we want to, um, listen to the advice of people who have been there. So if you're entering a new job, you could talk to other people like how did you make those changes? If you're moving locations even when we moved across town, there's still changes and updates that needed to happen.

Danny Ray 12:10

But, talking to people that have been there, done that and, as we've said so many times on here, ephesians 4.32 says be kind and compassionate to one another forgive each other, just as Christ God forgave you right, as we want to be kind and compassionate, forgiving each other constantly. You know we talk about hitting that reset button is in a season of update. You're definitely going to talk about hitting that reset button is in an a season of update. You're definitely going to want to hit that reset and like hey.

Kimberly 12:43

I little more often.

Danny Ray 12:45

I'm learning to adjust to kind of our new normal. Um, let me reset and say this again or try this again, but for each other, having that mutual kindness and compassion and working towards constantly forgiving each other will help with the updating. All right.

Kimberly 13:03

Definitely so. Number two apps and features. An iPhone comes with a variety of apps and features right, so each thing, each app or feature serves a different purpose to enhance your experience of using the iPhone right.

Danny Ray 13:20

Right.

Kimberly 13:20

So in marriage, same thing with both partners. Both spouses bring different unique qualities, skills, interests that enrich the relationship. Right that enhance the relationship. Right that enhance the relationship. Um, may not always feel like that that they're enhancing the relationship, but it can be um, and embracing those differences adds really like depth and how yeah, how do people embrace those differences?

Danny Ray 13:54

so so you know, sometimes we'll hear from younger couples like we love doing everything together.

Kimberly 14:00

We have so much in common relationship.

Danny Ray 14:03

It's not that you don't enjoy some common ground, but in any relationship there's common ground and then there's differences. So with those differences, how do you find like mutual respect? What's that? Do you see what I'm saying? Like the change that? Could happen there. How?

Kimberly 14:33

do you avoid that or adapt to?

Danny Ray 14:33

that there? How do you avoid that or adapt to that?

Kimberly 14:36

Well, a few things come to mind. I'm thinking. You know, the healthiest relationships have a combination of where you have your individuality. I have mine, and that might reflect in interests that we have. Or hobbies I don't have any, you have many.

Danny Ray 14:56

The way you're wired.

Kimberly 14:57

You have many um right there, the way you're wired, the way I'm wired, the way we think, the way we talk, like there are so many differences across the board. Um, but then when we come together in marriage, then we are intentional about okay, what's? I always think of that Venn diagram that we learned in school. Right, that they're the two circles. So you're in your circle, I'm in mine, but where do the two overlap?

Kimberly 15:20

in marriage right. So that overlapping is that it's interdependence, it's depending on each other, it's counting on each other, it's loving each other, it's being intentional about finding things to do together. Being intentional about finding things to do together, and again, those things could change throughout different seasons of life. Too right, we have to readjust and go okay, wait a minute, there's more. I think where I, when I reflect back through the what are we gonna celebrate? 28 years, 28?

Danny Ray 15:56

years, 28 years, 28 years of marriage. Okay, I started to doubt myself.

Kimberly 16:02

When I look back, I think of how, when we were new parents brand new parents and I wrongly thought that I knew how to do things I thought I've been training for this I thought momming would be easy for me. And boy was I wrong. But not only that. I thought my way was right most of the time, and it took a little while and things did not go well that way. Um, and when I was finally more open to okay, wait a minute your ways potentially, even though they're not the same as mine, your ways could actually picking up all the pain at the same time and getting it out the door all at once, instead of 12 trips uh-huh, just like the pain thing.

Kimberly 16:53

So maybe not all of your things work out, but not all of mine do either. And so when you, when you were, um, when I basically stopped stopping you, like, stopped preventing you from being the dad that you've been designed to be, and allowed you to do it your way, no matter like how weird I thought it might be, that gave you a, the gave you the responsibility that that you earned. You helped create this kid right. So it was. So you know your responsibility to part.

Kimberly 17:32

Yeah, oh wow um so then there's also the um, gosh, and how do I put this that you became like I was hindering you, I was keeping you from being the good dad that you were designed to be right if I never give you a chance at it. So that gave you that chance, and then you it turned out that some of your ideas were really good and then other things were still kind of crazy, and and so I my way of adapting to that. Do you remember I had a button made that I put on the children when you dressed them?

Kimberly 18:11

My daddy dressed me that way, I didn't feel like people were going to judge my child that. Oh wow, your mom's crazy. Nope, it pointed directly to you and how you had dressed the children. So there's teamwork.

Kimberly 18:28

But back to so variety. We certainly have a ton of variety in just being designed so differently and they say opposites attract and there's a lot of truth in that. Yes, we have some similarities but definitely a lot of differences, and that's OK and that's the huge key is learning to embrace it right that those apps and features, like we said for the iPhone, they all serve different purposes but they can enhance life or enhance the experience.

Danny Ray 19:09

So number three yes, what is number three?

Kimberly 19:12

Battery life. I like that. We've talked about this before, too, in other ways but battery life on your phone and battery life in marriage, right.

Danny Ray 19:22

I feel like this is one we use all the time is when you'll say I'm coming in on empty or you know we talk about like I'm exhausted. I'm like at 5% battery life right now.

Kimberly 19:35

I've.

Danny Ray 19:35

I've got nothing left. I'm going to, you know, fall out soon, and so one of the the conversations we have is how can I, how can I fill you up, how can I make things better? Even yesterday, there was a silly situation that happened where you-.

Kimberly 19:55

I left my phone inside the office and locked myself out, so I couldn't even go back in the office to get the phone, because the app on the phone is what unlocks it.

Danny Ray 20:04

Yes, yeah, but I mean not that big of a deal in the grand scheme of things, but you had already had you'd been at work for eight, nine hours, plus the drive Full day.

Kimberly 20:16

I was exhausted, you're exhausted. Hungry, needed to go potty. All of the things.

Danny Ray 20:22

So I knew you're coming in on empty and so you know I'm asking how can I serve what? Can you know what's that look like? And you do the same for me when I'm running on empty. In fact, this week, the same, you know, weekend, I was coming home from Waypoint and I think I had breakfast, but I didn't have lunch and I didn't have dinner.

Danny Ray 20:45

It's nine o'clock at night. I'm coming home, I have lunch and then have dinner, and it's nine nine o'clock at night I'm coming home I'm like, hey, is there any chance?

Kimberly 20:57

I'm not sure that I fed you that time. I'm not sure that's a good example. I think I was on empty that one, but I usually do.

Danny Ray 21:00

I usually do. But you did say I can't get off the couch right now, I can't throw that pizza in for, but what you could do is take yourself to Chick-fil-A. So most of the time.

Kimberly 21:12

So there are times I mean that just points to there are times where, hey, both, both of us are going to have lower batteries, right, majority of the time, we can help compensate for each other, and these aren't long-term things we're talking about just on a daily basis. Um, and yeah, being, it's not the, if you put in 50%.

Danny Ray 21:37

I put in 50%.

Kimberly 21:38

Right, that's an old way of thinking about marriage and, uh, not a not a healthy one. So, battery life and and sharing that battery life with each other and saying, hey, this is where I'm at, because we can't just make assumptions that way. Yeah, we need to be honest.

Danny Ray 21:53

I think this is where we want to continue to have our energy come from Christ, from the center of everything we do is having God in the center. I think of Philippians 4.13. That says I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me. It's not that you know I could go jump to the moon because you know I say some prayer, but when I'm living and doing the things that God's designed me to do, you know I can ask him for strength and he becomes that strength even when I'm weak.

Danny Ray 22:27

He becomes strong. And so I think, even a couple of weeks ago, when I was um, um speaking, preaching at um a church, a local church, and you you knew I was just kind of like down like the weight of that message was on me and you gave me different verses to encourage me, to remind me, to inspire me, to remind me, to inspire me to speak into my life, and I think those are the things we could do.

Danny Ray 22:52

When the other person's battery's down, how can I serve if I have nothing left? How can I give them an opportunity to go to Chick-fil-A?

Kimberly 23:01

God's chicken.

Danny Ray 23:06

How can I send a verse, how can I write a note to speak into my um, in my case my, my wife's life you know, your spouse's life and encourage them.

Kimberly 23:18

I think one last thing on a battery life would be that we have to both invest time and make an effort to recharge the relationship, and that happens through quality time, affection, shared experiences, things that we do together and for us. I know, with our anniversary coming up, we are we don't have it planned yet, but we are working on a plan to carve out that time and no matter what it ends up being, um, we know that we need to be intentional about having time where it's just the two of us and just um, uh yeah, having a shared experience and hanging out together to recharge.

Danny Ray 24:03

Recharges our battery kind of long-term you know having those weekends away that we try to do on a regular basis. Let me pause us here.

Kimberly 24:11

Okay.

New Hampshire's Unique Seatbelt Laws

Danny Ray 24:12

And this is going to be part one, but I am going to ask for a favor before you go If you could get on to whatever you're listening to this on, whether it's Spotify or Apple podcast or in, just do a review that says you love it you hate it. Whatever your review is, we're not saying, hey, give us a five star, but just to give honest feedback, and we would love to. It's one of the few ways we could find out what's going on but it also helps other people to find this show.

Danny Ray 24:42

The more ratings that are positive, the more people that go like hey it looks like they're doing something right.

Kimberly 24:48

Yeah.

Danny Ray 24:49

And we want to be intentional with those things and it doesn't hurt to ask. So we're asking that you do that. Take a minute, not while you're driving.

Kimberly 24:58

Unless you are in.

Danny Ray 24:59

New Hampshire, where you don't have seatbelt laws and you can do whatever you want live free or die.

Kimberly 25:04

I knew that was their license plate slogan but no seatbelt laws really.

Danny Ray 25:09

Yeah, it's the only one in the union, Everybody else seatbelt laws.

Kimberly 25:12

All right, you New Hampshire people, that's hilarious.

Danny Ray 25:16

We are way off topic, okay.

Kimberly 25:18

Like it, subscribe to it, write a review, do something that's awesome. We love you guys. We appreciate you. See you soon.