S5:E9 Joe and Traci Castaneda The Power of Intentional Grace

In this special first-ever interview on We Do Whatever It Takes, Danny and Kimberly sit down with longtime friends Joe and Tracy Castañeda to talk about the real, everyday ways grace shows up in marriage. From high school sweethearts to nearly three decades of marriage and ministry, the Castañedas share candidly about the ups and downs of life together, long-distance dating before cell phones, learning to extend “undeserved kindness” in the middle of parenting chaos, and the courage it takes to break out of ruts.

The conversation also explores the vision behind their ministry OnePlusOneMarriage.com, a community helping couples move from “just surviving” to genuinely thriving. You’ll hear practical wisdom on intentional date nights, vulnerable conversations about intimacy, and why small acts of grace can ripple out to impact not only marriages but also the next generation.

Whether you’re in a season of routine or ready for renewal, this episode will inspire you to slow down, choose kindness, and take one intentional step toward a healthier, more grace-filled marriage.

Transcript

1 0:21

Welcome back to We Do Whatever It Takes. I'm Danny Ray. I'm Kimberly. We've been talking about grace this season. And today we're excited to hear what it looks like in someone else's marriage. This is a couple we love dearly, and we're excited to have them on the podcast. This is the first time ever we're having somebody interviewed on the podcast. This is the Castanadas. Tell us about them. Welcome, Joe and Tracy Castaneda, all the way from Michigan. Yes. We're going to ask you guys about Grace in your marriage. And but first, can you guys give our listeners just a little bit of background on who you are, how long you've been married, and how do you feel about being married?

2 1:03

Um, no, but thanks for asking. Okay.

3 1:06

Next question.

2 1:07

Um it's awesome to be with you guys. Thanks for having us on the show. Uh, we love your podcast. It's it's my travel podcast. So I'm not current, but I love to listen to it, especially when I'm flying. And literally more than once, I've been laughing in the seat, and I look at the person next to me. I'm like, you need to hear this. Um but we're we're excited to be uh with you. We love marriage, it's one of our favorite things, and we've been married 29 years now.

4 1:34

Yeah, and actually um high school sweethearts, but dated for quite a while before getting married. So we had quite a while. Eight years on it. Wow recommended.

1 1:50

What's the recommended, you know, um length of time to be dating? What's the recommended?

2 1:57

Well, I I think what we recommend is don't date in high school. Like I think it really complicates your relationships with your peers. And students could embrace the idea of just being connected and having fun and enjoying those friendship pieces. I think that was a major part of our dating component. Uh after high school, uh, you know, I think there's a lot of factors. We went to different colleges. Um we weren't even in the same, we weren't in the same time zone.

4 2:27

In fact, I was telling my youngest, our youngest daughter, who's in actually in Peru right now, and we were talking about when Joe and I dated and how we wrote letters. And she just, I mean, shook her head like I I wouldn't survive. Like we didn't have texting, you know. We we did phone calls, you know, the cord on the phone in college, outside into the hallway, the you know, 50-foot cord. And we know it one calls phone bills. Um, you know, when you had to pay for pay for your cell phone, but we had to pay for the calls.

2 3:02

Those darn rich college kids who had the cordless phone. I was so jealous of them. Oh wow.

1 3:11

With the 30-foot antenna, you know. Oh, I love that. And so you've got one daughter in Peru and you've got other kids.

4 3:22

Yes, one daughter at home and a son who's married and lives about 30 minutes away.

1 3:27

So that's awesome. Well, thank you guys so much for coming on here. Yeah, go ahead, Joe.

2 3:32

Well, I was just gonna say we keep uh toying with the empty nest and it just doesn't quite get there. We're we were close and then uh, but we'll be there soon, we hope.

4 3:42

We sell lots of the confetti and then to put the confetti back in the cannon.

1 3:51

That's pretty funny. Much harder to put back in. Yeah, yeah, that's funny. We've been in this series talking about grace, and we wanted to ask you when uh, you know, Joe, you're a pastor, Tracy. You've been involved in ministry for a long time. Uh you've invested a lot in different communities. And when people hear that word grace, that you know, different images might conjure up what when you think of grace, just for you personally, what's that look like?

4 4:20

Oh, I mean, the first thing that comes to mind is I need a lot of it.

1 4:25

Whatever it is, you need a lot.

4 4:27

Yeah. And I've I've always thought like to me, Joe gives grace in such an easy way. Um or he he makes me feel like he's giving grace in in an easy way. Uh I feel like I'm more of a an eye roller and a oh my goodness, and we have to learn it, and it's hard. And but when I my experience of grace in being married to Joe is that he gives a lot. And um, you know, not out of any, not making me feel guilty or bad or anything like that.

1 5:05

Can you give an example of what that uh might look like? I I know what the eye rolling looks like, uh not that part.

4 5:14

Um, you know, we we it's relationship, it's messy sometimes. Um we get frustrated over things. So um it doesn't even have to be frustration over something in marriage. It could be when I get frustrated with one of the kids and I um, you know, get upset about it. And Joe's just gentle to be like, you know what, it's all right, and and comes alongside me in a gracious way, rather than like, you know, you need to get your stuff together and not act like that. Which, you know, maybe he should say that sometimes, but just that kindness of grace to come alongside.

1 5:50

I don't think that would go well, at least not for me.

4 5:53

Probably not in that moment.

1 5:56

Joe, how about for you when when you think about grace? What do you think of?

2 6:01

Yeah, it's funny because I think I think the same thing. I feel like Tracy gives it liberally. And um it's you know, theologically, I remember being taught in in seminary about the difference between grace and mercy. But my favorite definition is just undeserved kindness. Um that that grace is just kindness that's given to you because, and and there's no reason to it. And so obviously, when you think of God giving grace, it's it's all this goodness that God gives us that we could never earn. But I feel like that's in marriage, it's such a powerful thing when your spouse just gives you kindness just because, um, and not because you earned it, not because you got the gold star that day uh on the refrigerator. Um, I don't have many gold stars on the refrigerator. I don't know. Yeah, we we took down the chart, it was empty for too long.

1 6:57

So smart thinking.

2 6:59

And yet all this kindness comes in, and that undeserved, unmerited kindness, that to me is the essence of grace. It's um, you know, it's it's little things, it's it's the little cup of coffee before work that you just weren't expecting. And it's uh, you know, and it goes from there. And but I just think that unmerited, undeserved kindness just resonates.

1 7:21

Uh, the two of you have a ministry called OnePlus One. Could you tell us a little bit about that? And then maybe how you've used grace to um connect with people in in the context of OnePlus One.

2 7:35

Well, OnePlus OneMarriage.com is the site, and it is an online community of people who want to grow their marriages. Um, I know uh Danny and Kimberly, you have such a heart for people and for couples. And and one of the things we have seen is how it seems like there's a lot of marriages that are just doing okay. They're not thriving. Um maybe a little more than surviving, but they're not in, they're not in chaos or they're not in like danger mode. And so we want to create a ministry where people can connect about their marriages in this community. And I think in it, what you end up finding is how couples can give grace to each other. Um, you get ideas of uh like a date night idea that involves uh a husband going out of his way for his wife, and another husband picks up on that. And it's cool how those ideas spur on uh connection, spur on oneness. But so much of those, so many of those ideas just flow out of grace. They just flow out of undeserved, unmerited kindness. Um, my wife wrote a blog um a while back and it was about uh sexual grace. It really was just about how to how to participate in sex together as couples and from a wife's perspective, um, how to give this grace to your husband. Um and it's such a cool thing because then other couples are engaging with these ideas and then putting them into practice in their marriages. And uh and it's a super cool community to see how how that starts to ripple out.

1 9:10

Yeah, and I think is that something we could find on OnePlus One or is that somewhere else that blog?

2 9:16

Yeah, it's uh it's on the OnePlus OneMarriage.com site. Um it's a membership site, and and once you join, uh you can search keywords and all those things to access uh any of those pieces. Okay.

1 9:28

Cool. Tracy, you were gonna say something, sorry.

4 9:31

Well, uh, I think what happens too in the site is you just have awareness. You know, a lot of times we go along in our life or people go along in marriage, and I'm not investing anything into it because I'm just you know, like the lather, rinse, repeat life. Kids, work, um hobbies, activities, you know, whatever, whatever the things are are happening day in and day out, and all of a sudden you're like, wow, it's been a year, it's been five years, it's been however long. And I haven't done anything on purpose for my marriage. And I think when we start doing things on purpose, that's when we have an awareness about grace and an opportunity then to extend grace on a consistent basis, and that makes a huge difference.

1 10:23

So I'm hearing from you guys kind of a bottom line is being willing to be intentional and aware and to extend grace and kindness that you have to do, it's not these big grandiose things that you're talking about. You're talking about just kind of waking up one day and going, uh, I'm gonna be intentional. I'm gonna see are there ways that I can extend grace by being kind today to my spouse that maybe I didn't do yesterday, or like maybe the lather rinse repeat is just kind of being snippy with each other, and it's just the norm and and or and sometimes it's worse than that, and it's name-calling, and you know, but maybe that's the norm and in a relationship that's not healthy, but it's kind of what the the pattern that the couple may have gotten into. But you're saying you can wake up tomorrow and go just choose to extend grace in the form of of kindness.

2 11:30

It's that it is that intention, and it happens in all relationships. Like, um, you know, when you have a coworker that's super annoying, but you have to get along in a project, you you just choose it. But I think sometimes it gets harder to choose it in the marriage relationship because of the proximity to this person of in every part of life. And so the familiarity of it, um, it it just causes maybe some of that more pent-up tension. And and if I lose it at work, I might lose my job, but I can come home and and maybe uh shorten the grace and feel like she has to stay in this because we're committed to each other. Um, but I think that intention is is so so powerful.

1 12:17

Yeah. Uh would you share your vision? I and maybe how you you got to this point in your marriage that the the vision you guys have for one plus one marriage um dot com is just incredible. But how do you get to that space in your marriage from dating for 250 years? Uh give or take. Eight, eight, seven, seven years. Um to the point where you're you're at a point now where you intentionally want to help a million marriages, is my understanding. Uh talk to me about that.

2 12:58

From day one, we kind of had marriage figured out. So I I don't I guess I don't I guess I don't understand the question.

1 13:05

No, stop right there. That is the funniest thing I've ever, ever heard. Day one, we had marriage figured out.

2 13:12

Yeah, it was it was pretty easy to do.

4 13:14

I mean, that's maybe what you think on day one, but you know, day one comes or day two comes, it'll fall over.

2 13:22

You know, it's in our when we share our story, it's always about the 10-year mark for us. And it seems like when we have connected with other couples, there's a similarity in that eight, nine, ten, eleven year mark where you you realize you're in this rhythm of being together, but but there's not the joy, there's not the um adventure, there's not the intentionality like we're talking about. Um, and for us, the one plus one marriage.com uh happened out of that. Um it it started, you know, 20 years ago when we hit that 10-year mark and things were fine. We weren't fighting, we weren't our marriage wasn't in a bad space, but we we weren't thriving. We didn't, you know, I don't think either of us would have said, Man, we love being married. It's like, yeah, we're we're married, we we like it.

4 14:15

It's the kids were young at that time too, you know, um what, like six, four, and one, you know, like little that's a busy time, yeah. So ministry was full.

2 14:29

And I and I think that was a point at which we realized if we didn't intentionally invest, um it nothing was going to change. We were just stuck in that cycle of just an okay marriage. And so out of that, we began to have conversations. We actually taught a class. Um, uh I was a youth pastor at the time, and our our senior pastor had asked if I would teach a parenting class, if we would teach a parenting class. And we decided, you know what, let's let's talk marriage mostly. And and we decided to kind of launch into our story. And honestly, we thought most of the people in the room who were older than we were would kind of be like, yeah, duh, you know, sorry, it took you 10 years to figure it out. And instead, what we found was a whole room of people who were blown away by our transparency, and then they're they were in the same spot, and some of them had been married 20 years and were in the same spot. And so then we started talking about, especially about sexual intimacy in marriage and the challenges we were facing at the 10-year mark, and we struck a nerve, and um, and we just realized uh what we were experiencing wasn't unusual, it was the norm for a lot of people. And so I think that's how uh our our passion for marriage started to grow was to realize, hey, there's something happening here that we want to figure out, and then we want to help lead others on that journey. And uh through all the years of youth ministry, we have done a lot of marriage ministry, and and now moving into the oneplusone marriage.com is kind of our full-time uh work in this next season. Um, we're we're excited about that because it uh it really flows out of what we discovered kind of at that 10-year mark.

1 16:18

And I mentioned the million. What's the the vision that way in terms of uh what you want to do with one plus one?

4 16:26

Well, I'll say my my piece of it um as I think about our years in youth ministry and the impact we love to have on teenagers is that if a million marriages were impacted in a positive way, it would impact a million teenagers. Even even if those people don't millions of teenagers, um whether it's their own kids or you know, their nieces and nephews or their grandchildren or whatever. So so that means a lot to me. That um side of the impact is a piece of it.

2 16:57

Yeah, I was in a pastor's meeting just today, the the day we recorded this, and um one of the pastors said uh the biggest problem in our community is this the marriages. And he works with children in another context. And he said, if we could figure out how to help marriages, um, we could solve so many problems. And you know, I was just sitting there thinking, uh agreed, and let let's let's go after a million marriages. Um it's an obscene goal to think of impacting a million marriages, but when you when you throw those things before the Lord, it maybe it's not big enough. And uh maybe that's our launching point is one million marriages, but that's our heartbeat is to help these marriages because we've been around teenagers for so long and seen so many broken homes and the and the ripple effect on teenagers. And if God would give us the ability to influence the the husbands and wives, then maybe we can influence the teenagers uh in that path.

1 17:57

Yeah. So that means that in every household, every couple that's married, well, or even not married, they're affecting whoever whatever kids are in the household, is what you're saying. Exactly. Right. So that and then those kids have their own troubles or whatever, watching because either it's a healthy marriage or healthy relationship that they're watching, and oh, they're resolving conflict. I can learn to do this.

5 18:22

Yeah.

1 18:22

Or they're watching their their parents do avoiding like the conflict or you know, not working it out or yelling and screaming and having a really poor way of working through conflict, or yeah, or not doing it. Um, so and then that's what you guys see in youth ministry. You've been seeing the effects of that. These these kids have no safe place to go because the marriage really is that huge. I was gonna say anchor, obviously, our anchors in Christ, but it's still there's still a community aspect to that anchor being in Christ and the body of Christ and the connection. Yeah. Uh what would you say? I I'm sure there's somebody listening that is nodding their head going, like, we agree with you. We're at that point where we we love each other, we're we're good, you know, like um kids are good, you know, like there's nothing wrong. We're no, we're not really dating, you know, but we we, you know, we'll sit down, watch a show, but there's no intentionality. Like, what would you say to that couple to help them take either a small step or what it looks like to get to a place where you genuinely like and enjoy and you're thriving in your marriage?

2 19:38

I one of the first things is for couples to recognize that they're in that space. And it's amazing how we've had conversations with couples who we can tell and we're listening to them, we're like they're in that space, but it takes them a little bit to recognize we're in this rut. But and when they do, I I think our first call to them is that you have to, just like we've been saying, intentionally do something to get out of it. Um often we, and I think we especially hear this from wives who say, well, when the kids are out of the house, dot, dot, dot. Yeah, the number like it'll get better. Yeah, that that's the magic. And and of course, we've seen so many, we've had we've had friends and we've seen so many people that when the kids leave, the marriage dissolves because the kids were holding the relationship together. And and you got to flip that script by choosing something different. And so um one of our big things, uh, we love date night. We think date night is kind of at the heart of so much connection in marriage. And so we challenge uh couples who are tackling this idea for the first time to start intentionally figuring out date night. Um, that's one of our favorite sites. Uh one of the favorite aspects of our OnePlus OneMarriage.com site is the date night area where ideas come in and we're generating ways to take your spouse out some creative, intentional things. Because just like marriage, your date night gets stuck in these ruts. Like we had this, you know, we started dating them, kind of did the same thing. It it's movies, you know, grab a dinner, grab dinner out, go to the movies, come home. Like we start hitting this rhythm. And so how do you shake that up? Uh, but it just requires intention. And that at the heart of it is we have to get after this. And that's where we think, you know, great podcasts. Um, this uh we, you know, we do whatever it takes podcast. You listen to it and you get inspired. You do, you get inspired to do something different. Hopefully, people come to the one plus one site and they they hear an idea, they see interactions with other couples, and it inspires them to go, yeah, I I want more. And and to value the relationship they have.

4 21:50

But the inspiration is only like the tip of it because it takes an act of courage. Usually when we're in the rut space, we're both kind of in it, whether we're both aware of it or not. And somebody has to have an act of courage to say, I want more, or I'm feeling this. It's it's really what happened for us is Joe just you know stepped out in courage and said, I'm struggling in in the sexual area of our relationship, and here's why. And as he shared that, I I had no idea, and I felt I felt bad and almost hurt a little bit, had to process that. But without that act of courage of being willing to um be vulnerable enough to say what was really going on, what you was really feeling, then we we wouldn't be here like this today for sure. I don't know how long you would stay in that rut, how long we would have stayed in that rut and not even been aware of it without one of us taking that act of courage.

1 23:02

I love that. That act of courage. I was thinking before you even said that, like, whose job is it to get out of the rut, right? Like, well, is it somebody's job specifically? But you're saying no, it's whoever's kind of got the courage in that moment to say, hey, I think this is going on for me in the marriage, and I I think it could be better if I'm honest with you and shared that this is happening or this isn't happening, or I feel left out at times, or I feel like I want to be closer to you, but I don't know how, or right, whatever it is that that we feel like we want improvements.

4 23:38

And I think that's so good how you're saying it too. Like I I feel this, this is my experience of what's happening. It's not about blame or accusing the other person of what's happening or not happening, really, really owning how I'm experiencing what's going on.

1 23:58

Uh, one of the things I I love about yeah, just that whole thing of being vulnerable is it's a key to relationships, is that vulnerability and that courage. I you know, one of the things we'll tell people is like you're not in high school anymore. You can be the first to say, like, hey, I I want this. You don't have to wait and go, Oh, I was just waiting for them, you know, like to say like I like you. Um no, like anything. It could be to say sorry, like, oh, you know, they should come to me for you know, that it's like you're not a high school, you don't have to wait, just give grace, do it now, be intentional. It's going to benefit your marriage. Yeah, one of the things that you said that I would love to hear one from each of you of a date night. Um, and then uh yeah, so if you have an idea of a quick idea on a date night, because I I know you you have a lot of them, but what's one that you would recommend, Joe, and then one you'd recommend, Tracy?

2 24:59

Hey, uh, Danny, on what you just said a second ago, um, yeah, it was interesting because in the conversation Tracy's alluding to, I sat on it for a long time. Uh and and I was I was terrified. I was like, how do you have this conversation about sex and the the frustration I was feeling? And and it was crazy how once the conversation started, uh grace is the perfect word to describe what what exchange took place. And um, because I think I had processed a little bit, I I presented, I tried to present that feeling that not not not in the blame. But then Tracy's response to that was so gracious. And and then we started to understand the complexity of that sexual relationship. Um, and Tracy's like, well, here's what's happening in my world and and in my mind, and and like, oh, okay. And then, you know, you find out doing the dishes is like the sexiest thing you can do. And right, yeah, I'll do the I'll come home and do the dishes midday. I don't care, I'll do the dishes, right? The house vacuum, I'll vacuum the house while I'm doing the dishes. Just send pictures, please.

1 26:06

That's what I asked Danny for. Send pictures of you vacuuming.

2 26:11

But uh but the the courage it takes to do that, uh what what I found was it was grace was returned. And when you're both committed to the Lord and committed to each other, there's a pool of grace to draw from. And and then of course, I wish I'd had the conversation sooner, and I wish we had started, but that that was our path. So I appreciate what you were saying there, Danny.

1 26:33

Yeah, no, I would say with that is a lot of people, it it's an uncomfortable conversation to have, to have a um a sexual intimacy of things that you wish were happening or aren't happening or used to happen. And and our thing for those conversations is we just want to normalize it for couples, is we talk about sex and struggles that way and good things and bad things um all the time. And we would encourage if you're listening to try to have that conversation and you could start small, but there's no exception, it's vulnerable, you know. And so you have to have courage, like Tracy said.

2 27:14

And that to us is the power of date night, is it creates more opportunities for conversations. And so maybe your first couple of date nights, you're not ready to go there yet. But the rhythm of date night, and we would find, you know, sometimes we'd be walking the park for our date night, and we could have profound conversations and we were by ourselves, we're out walking, and it opened up pathways for that. And so full circle back to date night. Look at that. Yeah, you know what?

1 27:41

It makes me think though, that with date night, I I'm picturing some couples just okay, so we're doing it, and they're checking a box, but yours sounds different than that. The call to action here sounds more like again, back to being intentional.

5 27:57

Intentional, yeah.

1 27:57

But what are they being intentional about on their date night?

4 28:03

And it can vary. Okay, uh you know, if I want to have a deep emotional conversation every time we go out, like Joe's gonna be in for that now and then, but not always, you know. So how about we have some fun sometimes and we learn something sometimes, and like that kind of variety, and it's really about getting to know each other and connecting and um just having opportunity to converse. I remember our first I'll call it our first date night, but it was like during this that season at the 10-year mark where we decided we're committed to doing this date night. We went um to get shoes, you know, at the we're sitting at the shoe store, Joe's trying shoes on. We had a conversation and like we finished the conversation. It took like three minutes. And I was like, what are we gonna talk about now? Like, usually I would have been chasing the kids around while he's trying on the shoes and you know, all these interruptions. And so now I have this time and there's no interruption to this conversation. It's like, oh, I need to remember who you are and who we are, and that's a great opportunity to do that.

1 29:19

Ah, so we're looking for connection with each other that we wouldn't get when we're at home, and especially with littles or animals or whatever's running around your house. By the way, if you've heard snorting in the background, we don't have a pig, we do have a dog in here. I'm like, she just sounds like a fish. I'm just like, well, that that's gonna be in the background. That's not me to promise. Are there any resources? Um, obviously, one plus one uh, you know, marriage.com is a massive resource for people. Are there other things that you'd recommend or anything that you want to share about oneplus one as we wrap things up?

2 30:02

In in terms of resources, um uh I when you start thinking about intention, uh I mean, you can go online and just look up date night ideas in my area. Um, like I I think it's less about the the thing and more about the purpose behind it. Um You know, you asked one of one of my favorites, uh, one of our what our favorites are, Danny, and one of mine is I I love when we just get in the car and we just pick a direction. Hey, we're going this direction, and then we see something interesting. Um, and we're in northwest Michigan, so we might drive a ways before we see something interesting. Yeah.

1 30:40

Some someday you'll have to tell us what even interesting is, but okay.

2 30:45

Uh, you know, but uh a road you haven't been on before. Uh you know, out here we have thousands of lakes, and to go to a lake we haven't been to, uh, there's just things like that. That again, it's not so much about what it is we're doing, but it's about that connection that happens. Um, sometimes Tracy pulls up uh silly questions to ask or or trivia. And I and I think again, it's all about that connection. And so resources I think are plentiful for date night kinds of things. Um, I love what we do in the OnePlus One community because we just we spur each other on, we we're tossing ideas back and forth, but but connection just happens when you choose that intentionally. The activity won't create connection. Um, it's it's choosing it regardless of the activity.

1 31:33

I love that. Yeah, the questions be yeah, and and using resources like one plus one um to get ideas on what to talk about, not just what to do for the date night. Yeah, I love that. You guys are amazing. Yeah, Joe and Tracy, thank you so much for being on. We we love you, we're thankful for you. And and if you didn't hear, go to oneplus1marriage.com, check out the resources. We're excited for we were part of that community, so say hi to us on there. And that is it for we do whatever it takes. Thank you so much.

2 32:07

Yeah, thanks for having us on the show. We love your podcast.