The Father Factor: How The Relationship With Your Father Shapes The Way You Love

Ever wonder why you keep falling into the same relationship patterns? The answer could be in your relationship with your father.

The emotional legacy left by our fathers shapes how we love as adults in ways most men never realize. Whether your father was physically absent, emotionally unavailable, overly critical, or placed on a pedestal, these experiences impact how you love in your adult relationship in how you handle conflict, express your emotions, and recognize your own sense of worth when it comes to love.

In this episode, I share my journey with an emotionally distant father.  I also tell the story of Nick, whose father was beloved by the community yet was rarely present at home – a pattern Nick unconsciously recreated with a partner that wasn't emotionally available until therapy helped him see and break the cycle. Understanding these patterns is the first step toward transformation. The good news is, healing is possible. Check out The Father Factor: How The Relationship With Your Father Shapes The Way You Love, episode.

Chapters

• 0:00 Introduction to Father Factor
• 3:11 Nick's Story: Absent Father Pattern
• 7:28 Understanding Father Wounds
• 10:43 Common Types of Father Wounds
• 13:38 Healing the Father Wound
• 19:28 Closing Thoughts and Next Episode

Transcript

Bill Simpson: 0:02

Hi and welcome to the Men on the Path to Love podcast the father factor how your relationship with your dad shapes the way you love episode. I'm Bill Simpson, your host. I coach men who are done suffering in their relationships, men who want deeper love, real connection and to finally feel like themselves again. I help them become the best version of themselves for themselves and for their current relationship or the one they're ready to find so they can live the life they love.

Bill Simpson: 0:41

So last month I did an episode about the mother wound just after Mother's Day. Well, with Father's Day just passing here in the US, this time I'm focusing on the father wound and with me. As much as my father was there for me physically, he wasn't really there for me emotionally and he could also be pretty critical at times. And he could also be pretty critical at times. And I got to thinking, you know, after him going through divorce, you know having my mother die, and within a year my brother was killed in a car accident. I think it's safe to say that my father was depressed and he used alcohol to soothe his pain.

Bill Simpson: 1:27

I found myself having to console my father for those losses, but he wasn't really there for me emotionally. I had lost my mom and brother, but his pain was so deep that he couldn't see my pain. And having to parentify my father, I learned later in life that it led me to feeling like I had to take care of my spouse or partner in relationship, or even be the knight in shining armor to save her. And although I didn't realize it at the time, my partners weren't there for me the way I needed them to and, most importantly, I didn't know how to ask for it.

Bill Simpson: 2:01

And that's the impact my father wound had on my relationships. And it wasn't until I got into therapy that I made the correlation and took action to heal. And I want to say I knew my father loved me and he did the best he could. And I knew he had experienced some childhood trauma and the trauma of him being shot in Germany as a soldier during World War II and the loss of his oldest son and the mother of his children within a year's time. That's a lot, and back then men were conditioned to suck it up. You know, and I know in my heart that if he could have done better he would have, and I have totally forgiven my father and I'm just grateful that I was able to heal and grow from the experience. So, just like the mother wound, there's the father wound and I'm going to share the most common father wounds with you. And if you heard the mother wound episode, these wounds will sound very familiar. It kind of goes both ways with mom and dad

Bill Simpson: 3:09

.

Bill Simpson: 3:10

But first here's a little story about Nick and Valerie not their real names. Nick walked into my clinic on what seemed like another, you know, routine day. He was there for some mind-body support, for stress, not knowing that our paths had sort of crossed way before. And as we talked he mentioned his father, who was a much-loved radio personality and he was always active in the community, known for his compassion. This very charismatic guy, he was dedicated to civil rights and more, and I was surprised to realize that I had once been his colleague at a rival radio station. I told Nick that his father was a great guy and that he was someone that I respected and admired, and Nick smiled at me but there was something behind his eyes that I could tell was not right and he was like, yeah, he was a great guy to everyone except us, meaning his family and what I found out was Nick idolized his father. And how could he not? You know he was adored by so many people, but at home it was a different story. His father was rarely around, he said, and that he missed a lot of birthdays and baseball games and milestones like graduations and stuff like that. And Nick also said that he made a lot of promises but they were usually broken. And he told me that all he wanted was time with him. He just wanted his dad.

Bill Simpson: 4:48

Well, now in his 40s, nick found himself repeating a familiar emotional pattern in his relationship with Valerie. He was the one that was doing everything you know planning date nights, checking in with her, making sacrifices, and meanwhile Valerie was consumed by her growing online beauty business. He said she was always busy and he felt like he didn't even exist sometimes. So I asked him if the way he felt about Valerie reminded him of anyone else, and he sat there for a moment and nodded his head and he was like, yeah, that's my dad. All over again. She's not there for me either.

Bill Simpson: 5:31

And at that moment was a turning point for Nick, and that's when we began to work on his father wound that had shaped so many of his beliefs about himself. You know that he was unworthy of love, basically, and together we explored his childhood grief you know the loss of having his dad present in his life and we practiced self-compassion, mindfulness, to help him stay present with his feelings. We worked on setting boundaries and, most importantly, we created a space for Nick to reclaim his voice. You know how to express his needs without shame or guilt and to be vulnerable without fear. And as Nick did the work, he slowly began to change, and it wasn't changing into someone new, but into someone that was more authentic. You know fully himself, and when he realized that Valerie couldn't meet him where he was anymore, he found the courage to leave and later, in his own time, he found a relationship that was a much better fit, a partner who was actually there for him as well as him being there for her.

Bill Simpson: 6:50

So Nick's story is one that I think many men can relate to. You know, growing up to admire a father who was everything to everyone else but emotionally absent at home. I just had someone tell me about their father, who was a doctor, and that everybody loved him. Yet at the funeral everybody talked about how great he was and what a wonderful person and the family was like oh yeah, he wasn't like that at home. So, yeah, that kind of wound doesn't just hurt, it shapes how we are in relationships. But, like Nick, men can heal when they begin to see the pattern that they've established, acknowledge and talk about their pain and choose someone to love that sees them in return. That's why it's so important to understand the father wound and the bottom line is it impacts your adult relationships, either positively or negatively. It just depends on how the father was.

Bill Simpson: 7:54

So the research talks about as I mentioned in the mother wound episode attachment theory. It emphasizes the father's role in shaping whether it's a secure or insecure attachment. Securely attached fathers tend to raise sons who are more confident in intimacy, you know, in being vulnerable. They're better at regulating their emotions and they're more resilient when there's a conflict. Now, on the other side of that, a distant, critical or unpredictable father can lead to the son being avoidant or having an anxious attachment in their adult relationships. There was a study published in the Journal of Family Psychology that found that father involvement during adolescence particularly predicted higher satisfaction in adult romantic relationships, more so than the mother involvement. So the father's role is very big here. Another thing that was discussed in the research was how fathers serve as primary role models of what it means to be a man in the world.

Bill Simpson: 9:01

So emotionally unavailable fathers often pass on the idea you know the conditioning that vulnerability is weak. It's a sign of weakness and it can lead to them shutting down their emotions. And it can lead to them shutting down their emotions. They may have intimacy issues or feel like they have to perform in a way that showed their masculinity, but not in their own authentic way. And on the other side of that, fathers who are emotionally available show sons that strength does include vulnerability and empathy and being present and open and approval seeking and the fear of failure is another thing that came up in the research. Many men who grew up with critical, perfectionistic or absent fathers developed this core wound of never being enough, and this can show up in relationships as people-pleasing or overachieving, overcompensating. It can be withdrawing or being passive-aggressive when they're criticized. They could have difficulty receiving love or compliments. And a guy by the name of Terrence Real wrote a book called I Don't Want to Talk About it Overcoming the Secret Legacy of Male Depression, and he talks about when a boy doesn't feel seen by his father, that he often spends his whole adulthood trying to feel seen by his partner and when he doesn't get that, then the relationship suffers.

Bill Simpson: 10:32

Again you can see the importance of understanding the father wound. Now, the most common of the father wounds include some that I've already talked about with the research. The first one is the absent father, you know emotionally or physically absent, and they could be physically absent due to a death or divorce, or emotionally absent through addiction or workaholism, like Nick's father, you know, and what can happen as an adult is the result of the fear of abandonment, having a hard time trusting or being overly independent or, on the other side, too clingy in relationships. Another father wound is the critical or judgmental father. You know getting constant correction or shaming around their behavior. You know their emotions or their performance, like, say, in sports or their grades, and as an adult there can be low self-worth or self-esteem issues. You know being hypersensitive to feedback, the need to be perfect.

Bill Simpson: 11:39

You know perfectionism, or they may shut down emotionally when there's a conflict and so on, and kind of like the absent father, there's the emotional, distant father, and this is just where they rarely express affection or vulnerability and as an adult that could show up having difficulty with emotional intimacy or the fear of opening up and feeling disconnected, even though they're in a loving relationship. Then there's the overbearing or controlling father, and this is where a son grows up with the father's love being conditional, you know, as long as he goes along with dad, then everything's okay. But he wasn't allowed to have any autonomy or a different opinion. And when that happens there can be struggles later in life with setting boundaries, of being passive-aggressive, and they can have resentment in a long-term relationship. And the last one I'll talk about is the idealized but unavailable father. And this was Nick's story. Right, you know being idolized or placed on a pedestal by the son, but emotionally he's not there, he's not available, he's not accessible. And oftentimes this type of father can be very self-centered and later on in adult life this could show up as having a hard time forming equal partnerships, oftentimes feeling like it's one-sided or maybe they're in a codependent relationship.

Bill Simpson: 13:21

So those are some of the most common father wounds. Maybe one or some of those resonate with you. And the question is, how can men heal and transform from this father wound and transform from this father wound? Well, it can be done. That's the good news. And it first starts with understanding and really identifying and naming your father wound and asking yourself what did I learn from my dad about how to love or how to express anger or handle conflict or responsibility? And asking yourself, you know, what did I want from my father that I didn't get, and what beliefs about myself or how I'm supposed to love were shaped by either my father's presence or his absence. So those are some things to think about, maybe even journaling about, just to get in touch with how your father could have impacted your life.

Bill Simpson: 14:22

And once you have that awareness, you can do some what's called reparenting work. And what that means is be the parent or father to your inner child that he wished he had, and self-compassion is really key here. Learn to give yourself the emotional support, the encouragement or approval you missed. Therapy can be really helpful with this. It helped me. Years ago. My therapist advised me to get a little boy doll that represented my inner child, and I thought it was crazy at first and it actually took me two years to find him. And when I did, man, it was an amazing tool in healing my inner child. I got to be my little boy's parent and love him the way that I wasn't loved or needed to be loved, and I know it may sound crazy and woo-woo and all that, but let me tell you it works. So find yourself a doll, all right, guys, and women too. If you're out there listening, it's good for all of us.

Bill Simpson: 15:28

Another thing you can do to heal from the father wound is to separate the identity from the legacy, and what I mean by that is a lot of men unconsciously repeat or maybe they react against their fathers, and neither one of them is really good. Neither one of those paths is a path to freedom. The growth here involves choosing your path consciously, rather than repeating the patterns of your father or rebelling against his patterns. And for me, I sort of rebelled against my dad, and I heard this quote a while back that really impacted me, and that was you are not your father, but you do carry his voice until you learn to speak your own. So, yeah, we grow up with that value and the model that your father had given you until you learn to be your own man and maybe you follow some of his values, maybe you don't you come into your own true, authentic self. And another thing to do is to do the work. It's so important. Do it while you're in relationship now.

Bill Simpson: 16:42

Pay attention and oftentimes you'll see the father wound show up when your partner challenges you emotionally, or you may feel rejected, or maybe you don't feel like you're enough and what you want to do is practice really naming and identifying your feelings, instead of numbing them or shutting them down and pushing them away, and choose to respond to those feelings rather than reacting. When you respond, you're coming from a conscious place and you can accept that you're having a feeling, but you respond from what's important to you. And when you just react right away, that's your subconscious patterns coming up. It could be patterns from your father's modeling behavior or rebelling against a certain behavior, and that's a reaction, and oftentimes reactions can cause a lot of pain. So remember to choose to respond, not react, and always allow love and help in, even when it feels vulnerable. Do not be afraid to reach out and get help.

Bill Simpson: 17:52

And the last thing I'll say in terms of healing from the father wound is the power of forgiveness and maybe even redefining the relationship, and it's important to know about forgiveness. It's not about forgetting, it's just about releasing the charge that it has on you. You know the trigger and forgiveness is not that your dad deserves the forgiveness. Necessarily, it's for you to be free and, if possible, you can start to rebuild or redefine the relationship with your father as two grown-ups, two adults, and that can be very powerful. Now, if your father is not available or if he's deceased, a helpful exercise might be writing a letter that you don't send but you write everything out that you needed to say to him and doing some sort of ritual around it. Maybe it's writing all these things"

Bill Simpson: 18:48

get them out of you and then burn them, some sort of ritual-based work, maybe getting involved in a men's group or doing some grief work, because it is a loss and all that can be healing for you.

Bill Simpson: 19:01

So I hope by now, by listening to this podcast, that you can see how the Father Moon speaks to the core of so many of us men. Having relationship challenges and the struggles that really go unspoken, that we don't talk about, and having the strength and courage to face these father wounds and doing the work to heal What can Martial open Arts you Taught up Me to About amazing Relationships possibilities . in And

Bill Simpson: 19:27

relationship. Let me tell you if I can do it, so can you. I have a quote for you this week from Richard Rohr, who has helped men heal the father wound. He's the author of the book From Wild man to Wise man. He says, quote we are the sons of our fathers and until we recognize the weight of that legacy, we are destined to carry it blindly into every relationship we enter. Unquote. And there you go, and that's going to do it for this episode of the Men on the Path to Love podcast. The father factor how your relationship with your

Bill Simpson: 20:09

dad shapes the way you love. Episode. I'm Bill Simpson, your host. Thanks for taking the time to listen. I do appreciate it and if you like what you heard, hey, share the link to this podcast and share the love Now coming up next time on the Men on the Path to Love podcast.

Bill Simpson: 20:29

The other day I was practicing the slow-moving martial art of Tai Chi and I was reflecting on the principles of martial arts and how they are a great metaphor for how to be in relationship. So I decided I'm going to share my martial arts journey with you and its impact on how I see relationships. Please join me for what martial arts taught me about relationships episode and if you have any ideas or topics for the show, please reach out and let me know. I want to hear from you. You can reach me at menonthepathtolovecom or right through the show notes as well, and if you'd like to have a free one-hour coaching session with me, that's available right at my website as well. Just sign up there on my homepage. We'll spend an hour talking about anything you'd like, and hopefully that can get you on the right track. So check it out, menonthepathtolovecom, and until next time, keep your heart open and stay on the path to love.