Exposing The Hidden Affair with Work: Choosing Love Over Career

Have you ever thrown yourself into work, telling yourself you're being a good provider, while secretly avoiding the messy, vulnerable parts of your relationship? You're not alone. This Labor Day episode explores the uncomfortable truth many men face but rarely talk about: the affair with work.

I share my own experience where I once used work to get what I wasn't finding at home. My ex-wife called it exactly what it was: an affair with my business. Through the story of Desi and Lucy, I share how this dynamic plays out as well. 

The good news is that transformation is possible when we stop hiding behind our careers and start showing up authentically in our relationships. To find out how, check out the Exposing The Hidden Affair with Work: Choosing Love Over Career, episode.

Chapters

• 0:14 Welcome to Men on the Path to Love
• 1:00 My Personal Work Affair Confession
• 2:37 Workaholism as Emotional Avoidance
• 3:33 Desi and Lucy's Relationship Wake-Up
• 6:45 Choose Vulnerability Over Career Hiding
• 9:18 Next Episode Preview: The Healed Man

Transcript

Bill Simpson: 0:14

Hi and welcome to the Men on the Path to Love podcast exposing the hidden affair with work choosing love over career episode. I'm Bill Simpson, your host. I coach men who are done suffering in their relationships, men who want deeper love, real connection and to finally feel like themselves again. I help them become the best version of themselves, for themselves and for their current relationship or the one they're ready to find so they can live the life they love.

Bill Simpson: 0:51

This episode is being released on Labor Day, so I thought it would be a good time to tie in a topic I'd been thinking about for a while. This topic hits close to home because there was a time in my own life I was guilty of having an affair, and this time not with another woman, but with my work, and maybe you can relate. You see, years ago, when I opened my own holistic health practice, I poured every ounce of my passion into it. It felt alive, exciting and full of possibility, much more so than my marriage at the time, which had become a roller coaster of ups and downs. And I remember my ex-wife once telling me it feels like you're having an affair with your business, and she wasn't wrong, you know.

Bill Simpson: 1:44

The truth was I felt more energy and passion for my practice than I did for our relationship. You know, work became a safer place for me. It gave me a sense of affirmation, a sense of progress and a sense of control, things I wasn't experiencing in my marriage. But, looking back, it wasn't just about passion for the business, it was also about fear, yeah, man, fear of not knowing how to show up fully in my marriage, where I was feeling I was losing my identity. And I know I'm not alone. I've heard this from so many men. You know they throw themselves into work, telling themselves they're being a good provider, right, but inside they're suffering.

Bill Simpson: 2:37

Psychologists have a name for this Workaholism as avoidance, and research shows that men often use work as a socially acceptable way to escape from the emotional discomfort at home. A study published in the Journal of Marriage and Family found that men who felt underappreciated in their marriages were significantly more likely to increase their work hours. Why, you may ask? Because work gives them clarity and focus, gives them tasks, rewards and recognition, while home life can feel kind of messy, you know, too vulnerable and unpredictable.

Bill Simpson: 3:20

And the irony, of course, is that the harder a man works to provide, the more disconnection his relationship becomes and both partners end up feeling disconnected and unfulfilled. And this brings me to the story of Desi and Lucy Not their real names, of course.

Bill Simpson: 3:43

Desi was a luxury car salesman. He prided himself on being a good provider. He put most of his energy into work because at home he felt unappreciated. Lucy loved the lifestyle his income afforded, but she rarely acknowledged Desi directly for it. She only seemed to acknowledge him when she wanted something. And to keep the peace, desi gave her it. She only seemed to acknowledge him when she wanted something. And to keep the peace, desi gave her what she wanted. And to keep up with Desi's spending, he even requested extra hours at work. But the more he worked, the less he was home.

Bill Simpson: 4:20

And soon Lucy began to suspect that Desi was having an affair. And when she confronted him, desi finally broke down and admitted I'm not seeing anyone else, I'm working to give you the things you want. But Lucy didn't believe him. She was like nah. And she got all defensive, and that was the breaking point for Desi. He blew up and was like "fine, you want to know the truth. And she got all defensive, and that was the breaking point for Desi. He blew up and was like fine, you want to know the truth. I'd rather be at work than here with you. I don't get any respect around here and you're ungrateful. At least at work I feel valued and respected.

Bill Simpson: 4:59

Well, lucy was shocked. She had never heard Desi be so blunt and while it was painful, it was also real. And instead of fighting back, lucy softened and she regretfully realized that she had been taking him for granted. And for the first time in their relationship, they both got real with each other. They both got real with each other. They decided to try couples counseling, and there Desi learned how to set boundaries with both his work and with Lucy. He practiced being more open and vulnerable about his feelings and his needs, and Lucy began to look at what was underneath her urge to spend and how to become more emotionally available for Desi. This was the wake-up call they both needed. Their relationship grew stronger, not because Desi worked harder, but because he learned to work less and to love more.

Bill Simpson: 6:02

So I use Desi and Lucy's story because it's not unusual. . According to research, the number one thing couples fight about isn't money. It's feeling unappreciated. Money and work are just the surface. Underneath the surface is the question Do you see me? Do you value me? Do you respect me? Do you see me? Do you value me? Do you respect me? And when men hide behind their work, they avoid these questions. But when they finally take the risk to be vulnerable, saying you know, I feel unappreciated or I feel disrespected or I need more connection, that's when real intimacy can grow.

Bill Simpson: 6:45

So let me ask you have you ever buried yourself in work to avoid the discomfort of your relationship? Be honest with yourself. Do you tell yourself you're providing, when in reality you're hiding? What do you think might change if you brought even half the energy you give to work back to your relationship? Think about it.

Bill Simpson: 7:12

Choosing love over your career doesn't mean abandoning your ambition or your success. It means not letting work become the affair that robs your relationship of connection and man. I've lived this, desi, lived this, and, if you're honest, maybe you've lived this too. But here's the good news it doesn't have to stay that way. Love grows when we risk being real when we choose vulnerability over avoidance and when we decide that no career success is worth the cost of feeling emotionally disconnected at home. I'm telling you it's not worth it.

Bill Simpson: 7:59

If you're hearing this and deep down. You know you're hiding in work because you're already done with your relationship. Then please have the courage to be honest, man. Don't keep up the charade. It's not fair to her and it's not fair to you. And if this episode has hit a chord with you and if you're ready to stop hiding behind your work and start showing up in love, then do something about it.

Bill Simpson: 8:28

Subscribe to this podcast, write from my show notes or you can join my email list and check out the resources I've created to help you on your path to love. Just go to menonthepathtolovecom. All right, my quote this week comes from Dolly Parton. With some down-home wisdom she "Neve get so busy making a living that you forget to make a life. Unquote.

Bill Simpson: 9:00

And on that note I will punch the clock on this Labor Day edition of the Men on the Path to Love podcast exposing the hidden affair with work choosing love over career episode. My name is Bill Simpson. Thank you for listening.

Bill Simpson: 9:18

Now coming up on the next episode of the Men on the Path to Love podcast. The other day I was thinking about how grateful I am for the relationship I have with my wife, karen, after three divorces, and doing a lot of healing work. Along the way, I was able to attract this woman who had also done her healing work, bringing a sense of individual wholeness to a thriving almost 17-year relationship.

Bill Simpson: 9:45

And as a healed man. It's not about being perfect or problem-free. It means being self-aware, being responsible and committed to growth, having the courage to face old wounds, the strength to be vulnerable and emotionally available, and that love is not filling a void but sharing each other's wholeness. Please join me for the "Healed Man's Path how healing yourself changes everything in Relationship episode.

Bill Simpson: 10:18

And if this podcast resonates with you or you know someone you think needs to hear it, then please share the link to this podcast and share the love. And until next time, keep your heart open and stay on the path to love.