Breaking the Cycle: Why You Keep Choosing the Same Relationship

Ever feel like you’re stuck in “same relationship, different person”? In this episode, I talk about why your nervous system keeps steering you toward familiar relationship dynamics, how attachment blueprints shape what feels like chemistry, and what it takes to stop repeating the loop without losing the spark. You'll hear about "Derek’s" relationship loop journey going from anger and blame to clarity, boundaries, and better choices—proof that awareness doesn’t kill attraction; it creates real freedom. Check out the Breaking the Cycle: Why You Keep Choosing the Same Relationship, episode. 

Chapters

• 0:00 Welcome & Episode Focus
• 0:55 Noticing Repeated Relationship Patterns
• 1:45 Therapy Insight: Familiar Over Healthy
• 3:36 Awareness Creates Choice
• 4:14 Derek’s Story: From Anger To Clarity
• 6:09 Choosing Safety Over Intensity
• 7:21 How Men Break The Pattern
• 8:19 Research, Quotes, And Resources
• 9:22 Teaser: The Cost Of Avoidance
• 10:00 Share, Stay Open, Next Steps

Transcript

Bill Simpson: 0:18

Hi, and welcome to the Man on the Path to Love Podcast. Breaking the Cycle. Why you keep choosing the same relationship episode? I'm Bill Simpson, your host. I coach men who are done suffering in their relationships. Men who want deeper love, real connection, and to finally feel like themselves again. I help men become the best version of themselves for themselves and for their current relationship or for one they're ready to find so they can live the life they love. So yeah, when it comes to a relationship, have you ever said to yourself, how do I keep ending up here? Or, you know, same relationship, different person. Well, man, you're not alone, been there, done that, and you're not broken either. You see, most men aren't aware they're repeating relationship patterns. They think they're choosing different women, different personalities, different situations, but emotionally they're walking into the same relationship over and over again, just with a different face. And I'm right there. I didn't see my pattern either. For years, I honestly believed that I was choosing very different relationships. And then one day I was sitting in my therapist's office and she said something that stopped me cold. She looked at me and was like, Bill, do you see the pattern here? You're in the same relationship, just with a different person. And I remember feeling embarrassed, and I was like, damn man, how did I not see this? But here's the important part that I really appreciated. My therapist didn't shame me. Um she wasn't hard on me. She was calm and empathetic and grounded. And she said something that changed everything for me. She said, Bill, this isn't your fault. She helped me understand that I wasn't choosing these relationships because I was broken or I was bad at relationships. I was choosing what was familiar. And what's familiar to us is what we tend to go for. She explained to me it's what the nervous system looks for. Now, this is where the research matters. Um, according to attachment theory, our early experiences with caregivers shape our internal blueprint for love, safety, and connection. And that blueprint lives in the nervous system. And the nervous system doesn't ask, is this healthy for you? Um, is this good for me in the long run? No. It asks, is this familiar? Do I know how to survive here? And that's why familiar dynamics often feel like what you'd call chemistry, even when they lead to pain or what's not good for us. Once I saw my pattern, something shifted in me. I was still drawn to you know the familiar dynamics. That pull, you know, that draw didn't magically disappear. But now I could see it. And because I could see it, I could override that urge. Right? Awareness didn't remove the attraction or the draw, it just gave me a choice. And choice is where freedom begins. This reminds me of a client, and I'll call him Derek, not his real name. When Derek first came to see me, he told me straight up, Bill, I am sick and tired of women. He says, All my relationships start out great, and then they do the same shit. I'm done. Well, I could sense how angry he was, so I knew I had to tread lightly. I didn't challenge him right away. I validated him. I told him that I got it, that his frustration made sense to me. You know, that it hurt to keep holding on only to feel blamed and criticized again and again and again. And once he felt seen and heard, we started exploring his pattern. And I asked him, when does the relationship usually start to go south? And he said, when they start telling me what's wrong with me, what I need to fix, who I need to be.

Bill Simpson: 5:12

And then I asked him, When was the first time in your life you experienced that? And without missing a beat, he said, Oh hell, that's my mom. And so I gently pointed out that what felt familiar to him in relationships was a dynamic he learned early on. And that's when it clicked for him. And he he started laughing. It was like, damn man, I've been dating my mom all this time. Right? Well, that moment was the turning point for Derek. And not because he was blaming himself, but because he stopped seeing himself as a victim of bad women. He began taking responsibility for what he was drawn to or attracted to, what he tolerated and put up with, what he overlooked just to be in a relationship, and what he needed to do differently. So we worked on identifying that familiar pull, you know, that draw when it would show up, and then learning how to slow down instead of chasing that attraction or that chemistry, and choosing emotional safety over that intensity of the beginning of a relationship, you know, that strong chemistry and attraction. And we also talked about setting boundaries instead of him trying to prove himself, right? Now Derek hasn't found the one yet, but here's what has changed he's no longer holding on to all this anger that he had. And he knows exactly what he won't tolerate again.

Bill Simpson: 7:01

Yeah, I mean, when a man stops blaming his past and starts understanding his patterns and what got him there, that's how he gets his power back. And his choices change. So, how do men break the pattern? Well, first of all, it's to recognize that familiar pull without acting on it right away. You know, get your nervous system regulated so that the attraction doesn't run the show. No, you choose based on what's important to you, your values, not chemistry alone. I mean, chemistry is important, right? You gotta have some chemistry, but that can't be all that you're going for. And take responsibility for yourself without shame. Just own it. And according to the American Psychological Association, awareness combined with emotional regulation significantly reduces that unconscious repeated patterns over and over again. Simply put, that awareness and insight plus regulation equals new outcomes. That's how you do it. So I have two quotes of the week this week. And the first one comes from psychologist Carl Jung. He says, quote, Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate. Unquote. Or more simply put, as Albert Einstein once said, quote, insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. Unquote. And seriously, man, if this topic hit home for you, check out my website, men on the path to love.com. That's where you'll find free resources and coaching options. That's men on the path to love.com.

Bill Simpson: 9:04

And that will do it for this episode of the Men on the Path to Love Podcast, the Breaking the Cycle. Why you keep choosing the same relationship episode? My name is Bill Simpson. Thank you for listening. So I have a question for you. What if what you call strength is actually emotional avoidance in disguise? What do I mean by that? Say that you think it shows strength, not needing to talk about it. But really it's emotional avoidance. You know, protecting yourself from being vulnerable. And yeah, man, I'm going there. And there are many more examples where that came from. And that's what I'll be unpacking in the next episode. So please join me for the strength or checking out the hidden cost of emotional avoidance in relationship episode. And if you like this episode or you know someone who needs to hear it, then please share the link to this podcast and share the love. And until next time, keep your heart open and stay on the path to love.