Strength or Checking Out: The Hidden Cost of Emotional Avoidance in Relationship

Emotional avoidance often looks like strength from the outside—calm voice, in control, not bothered, no drama. In this episode, I reveal why that steadiness can quietly turn into distance, how it sucks the life out of intimacy, and what it takes to show up in a way your partner can actually feel. 

I share the moment of honest feedback that made me aware that I wasn't emotionally available, and I share "Clifton’s" story from “I’m fine” to being emotionally present.

I give you tools you can use today to expand your emotional vocabulary; catch the urge to run and stay five minutes longer; and listen without having to solve the problem. I challenge the old definition of strength and replace it with a new one—staying present under pressure without losing yourself. Check out the Strength or Checking Out: The Hidden Cost of Emotional Avoidance in Relationship, episode.

Transcript

Why Emotional Avoidance Matters

Bill Simpson 0:20

Hi, and welcome to the Men on the Path to Love Podcast. Strength for Checking Out, the Hidden Cost of Emotional Avoidance in Relationship episode. I'm Bill Simpson, your host. I coach men who are done suffering in their relationships, men who want deeper love, real connection, and to finally feel like themselves again. I help men become the best version of themselves for themselves and for their current relationship or the one they're ready to find so they can live the life they love.

Bill Simpson 0:56

So I called this episode Strength for Checking Out the Hidden Cost of Emotional Avoidance in Relationship because a lot of men think they're being strong when in reality they're basically checking out in relationship. I think it's important to share why this episode matters. Emotional avoidance doesn't usually look like a lot of drama, okay? It doesn't look like yelling, it doesn't look like cheating, it doesn't even look like arguments or conflict. What it looks like most of the time is calm, quiet, controlled, unbothered. And that's why it's so hard to spot.

What Avoidance Looks Like Day To Day

Regulation Versus Avoidance

Bill Simpson 1:40

Research from the American Psychological Association consistently shows that men are more likely than women to suppress emotions and to avoid vulnerable expression because of traditional masculine conditioning. And the term I've mentioned before in this podcast, normative male alexithymia, describing the learned difficulty many men have in identifying and expressing feelings. And according to decades of research from John Gottman, emotional withdrawal, shutting down, or what Gottman calls stonewalling, is one of the strongest predictors of relationship dissatisfaction and eventual breakdown. But here's the problem. Most men don't see or experience emotional avoidance as checking out. They experience it as being in control or just being a man. Now let me dig deeper into what emotional avoidance actually looks like. It can show up, as I mentioned, shutting down, especially when there's a conflict, changing the subject when conversations get touchy or vulnerable, getting all in your head, staying logical instead of sharing your feelings. Saying I'm fine when you're clearly not fine. Another one is feeling uncomfortable when your partner expresses strong emotion. And and being physically present but emotionally distant. So it's subtle, you know, and and it's socially accepted and rewarded. And in a lot of situations, it's praised to be that way. That's what society sees it means to be a man, and especially men who've been conditioned that way. And here's why men see it as strength. From an early age, many of us were taught don't cry, you know, don't be weak, handle it yourself, stay in control. So think about it. When tension rises in relationship, pulling back can feel like you're being mature, you know, being a man by not reacting or not escalating the situation or not being, you know, dramatic. But there is a difference between emotional regulation and emotional avoidance. Emotional regulation says, I feel this and and I can stay present with it. Avoidance says, mm-mm, no, uh-uh, I don't want to feel this, so I'm out of here. Even though I'm physically still here, I've checked out emotionally and mentally. And here's the hidden cost. When you avoid emotion, you also avoid intimacy. And to be real, fellas, you know, it's not our fault. Again, it goes back to our conditioning. And yet now having the awareness gives you a chance to course correct.

Bill’s Wake‑Up Moment In Group

Bill Simpson 4:56

Now, full transparency, I was completely unaware that I was emotionally unavailable in relationships. I would have told you, I'm just chill, I'm calm, I'm rational, I'm steady, right? And it wasn't until I was sitting in a group therapy session years ago that I got some real-time feedback. And one of the guys said to me, Bill, when when you talk about your relationship, I don't feel you in it. And man, that hit me. And then another group member said, Yeah, you know, you described what happened, but not what you were feeling. And I got it. And that was the power of group work, you know, reflecting in real time, getting honest feedback, and not feeling attacked, just the truth. And I had no idea I was emotionally unavailable. Yet once I saw it, I couldn't unsee it, right? I began learning what emotional availability actually meant. It was about identifying my feelings, you know, getting more comfortable being uncomfortable and staying present in it, listening without having to fix or solve the problem, and sharing what was actually happening with me on the inside instead of just what was happening on the outside. And even now, decades later, it's still a work in progress for me. But I've gotten pretty good at it, and my relationship is deeper and thriving because of it.

Bill Simpson 6:42

This takes me to Clifton's story, not his real name. Clifton didn't think he had a problem. He just thought he kept dating women who were too emotional. Well, here's what emotional avoidance looked like in Clifton's life. When his girlfriend asked how he was feeling about moving in together, he said, I don't know, yeah, it's fine, whatever. In other words, he felt scared, but he never said it.

Bill Simpson 7:13

Another example was after an argument, instead of trying to repair and make up, he'd go silent and withdraw for days. He told himself he was cooling off, yet his partner felt abandoned. And one other example, when a partner would be upset and cry, he would offer solutions instead of comfort. And when that didn't work, he would withdraw and shut down. And three serious relationships that Clifton was in ended with the same feedback. I can't find you in this relationship. You're not here.

Bill Simpson 7:57

Well, then he met Sandra, not her real name. Sandra wasn't dramatic, she wasn't aggressive, she was compassionate and firm. And she said to Clifton, Look, I care about you and I need to feel you. Well, this was new to Clifton. No one had talked to him like that. And instead of leaving, Sandra basically held up a mirror to Clifton. And Clifton had the courage to take a look in the mirror, see that man in the mirror. So he saw an ad online for a workshop for men around emotional awareness. And when he mentioned it to Sandra, she heavily encouraged him to take it. And what he learned there changed everything.

Bill Simpson 8:51

He learned that emotions aren't weakness, they're just information, right? That you can stay present without losing yourself, that discomfort doesn't mean danger and that you have to run or avoid. And listening without having to fix or solve the problem actually builds safety in a relationship. And being vulnerable enough to identify or name that he was afraid. That you know, name that fear actually reduces the power fear had over him.

Bill Simpson 9:27

Well, you can imagine at first it felt unnatural to Clifton. You know, it felt clunky and awkward. He even felt exposed. But he practiced, and over time he would catch himself when he wanted to shut down. He identified the small feelings first and then built up to the bigger ones. And he stayed in conversations longer than he had before. And over time his old pattern started to loosen up, started to fade. He didn't become someone different, he just became more emotionally available. And Sandra told him something that he had never heard before. She said, I feel safe with you. And for Clifton, that meant everything. And so what I take away from Clifton's story is emotional avoidance doesn't make you stable, right? It makes you distant. And the distance eventually feels like disconnection. And over time that's going to wear very thin in a relationship. And the relationship drifts apart, and that's pretty much the end.

Clifton’s Pattern Exposed

Bill Simpson 10:49

So, what's the good news? What can men do about this? What can men do about emotional avoidance? Well, here's the practical work. First is to increase your emotional vocabulary. And like I mentioned with Clifton, start small. Instead of saying I'm fine when you're not, say I'm frustrated or I'm overwhelmed or disappointed, uncertain. Oh, I feel proud, I'm afraid, that kind of thing. And you can Google or Chat GPT a feelings chart and keep it close by. And that's how I learned. Use it often. And when you do, you'll start to incorporate that emotional vocabulary into your day-to-day. Another thing to do is notice when you feel like you're going to run from that conversation. When it starts to feel, you know, oh, I don't know if I can do this. Slow down. And just simply see it as curiosity and wonder what it's all about. And stay.

Bill Simpson 12:02

Yeah, practice staying in that conversation. Stay five minutes longer in that conversation. Stay with having that one feeling a little bit deeper and identifying it. And stay without trying to problem solve or fix. Just listen and support and comfort. Another thing that is so important is to get feedback. You know, I mentioned that being in group, I got real feedback that helped me grow. So whether it's in a group or therapy, coaching, or trusted friends, just get some feedback. Because the thing is, you can't see what you can't see by yourself. And again, I know for me getting feedback was and still is one of the best ways for me to grow.

Bill Simpson 12:58

And another thing I want to say is about strength. Redefine what strength is to you. Try to see that strength isn't emotionally shutting down and checking out. No. Strength is staying present and especially when it gets uncomfortable. Staying present without losing yourself. And that brings me to my quote of the week. It comes from John Cabot Zen. He's the creator of Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction, that program, and so much more. He says, quote, feelings are much like waves. We can't stop them from coming, but we can choose which ones to surf. Yeah, that's right. You can't control which emotions come up for you, you know, the frustration, the fear, sadness, even shame. But you can choose how to respond to them. Emotional maturity, it's not about stopping the wave, it's about learning to ride it without letting it wipe out your relationship. And man, that takes strength and courage.

Learning Presence And Naming Feelings

Bill Simpson 14:10

And look, by all means, give yourself grace if you're struggling with this man. You know, it goes back to our conditioning. And, you know, if you've been conditioned this way, it takes time and it's a process to grow from it. Yet that's the good news. You can change and you can grow. So take a step on your path to love. Visit my website, men on the pathtolove.com, and explore your support options there, whether it's coaching, other resources, or joining the community. And man, you don't have to figure this out alone. Just go to men on the pathtolove.com to get started. All right. Well, on that note, I will bring this episode to an end. The Strength or Checking Out, the Hidden Cost of Emotional Avoidance in Relationships episode. I'm Bill Simpson, your host. Thank you for taking the time to listen. Now, coming up on the next episode of the Men on the Path to Love podcast, at what point does healthy independence turn into emotional isolation? There's a difference between being self-reliant and being emotionally unreachable. In my next episode, I'll explore how emotional avoidance and hyper-independence overlap and where they separate. Because avoiding emotions is one thing. Building an identity around not needing anyone, that's something entirely different. Please join me for the "Independent or Emotionally Distant: M en Need U understand" episode.

Bill Simpson 15:53

And if you've got something out of listening to this episode or you know someone who needs to hear it, please share the link to this podcast. Share the love. And until next time, keep your heart open and stay on the past level.