The Father Wound: How It Shapes Men in Relationships

What if the blueprint you learned from your dad is still running your love relationships? In this episode, I talk about attachment, and the often-hidden father wound, and why so many men become fixers, over-givers, or emotionally distant without realizing they’re reenacting old pain unconsciously handed down by their fathers. 

I share about my own father wound and how learning about my attachment style and taking action to heal, changed everything. I offer straight talk for men ready to feel safe in relationship without losing themselves, and for partners who want to understand the patterns beneath silence, over-functioning, or hot-and-cold behavior. If the father wound has been shaping your relationships, this is your chance to bring it into the light and choose a different path. Check out The Father Wound: How It Shapes Men in Relationships, episode.

Transcript

Setting The Series And Stakes

Bill Simpson 0:06

Hi, and welcome to the men on the fan loved on a cat. The father will educate men in relationships episode. I built 15 years old. I coach men who are done suffering in their relationships. Men who want deeper love, real connection, and to finally feel like themselves again. I help men become the best version of themselves for themselves and for their current relationship or the one they're ready to find so they can live the life they love.

Attachment Styles Explained

Bill Simpson 0:41

So in this episode, I'm beginning a new series for the podcast. This time I'm going to be diving into some pretty heavy topics attachment, trauma, and healing. Because here's what I know after working 20 plus years of working with men and living this journey myself. You can't build a secure, emotionally connected relationship if you haven't explored the attachment wounds that shaped you. And for a lot of men, one of the deepest and least talkabout wounds is the father wound. Now, I have covered the father wound on this podcast, and it certainly bears repeating. Because the research consistently shows that early parental or caregiver relationships shape our attachment patterns. So in attachment theory, something I've referenced as well in this podcast, attachment theory says those relationship experiences form what's called internal working models. In other words, these subconscious blueprints for how we expect relationships and love to work.

Bill Simpson 1:54

I'll give you a quick overview of attachment theory without getting into a whole lot of detail. The four primary attachment styles include secure attachment, which is feeling comfortable being alone, trusting others, communicating your needs openly, managing conflict well. That's the most healthy and most common attachment style.

Bill Simpson 2:19

Then there's anxious attachment where there's a deep fear of abandonment and needs constant reassurance and being needy, right? Avoidant attachment values independence and self-reliance over everything. Like I talked about in the last episode. He sees vulnerability as a threat to his freedom.

Introducing The Father Wound

Bill’s Story Of Loss And Stoicism

Bill Simpson 2:46

And the last one is disorganized attachment. And this is a mixture of both anxious and avoidant styles. And it's usually a result of some childhood trauma, or maybe their caregiving was inconsistent. And they may really crave closeness, but they're afraid of it at the same time. And that often shows up as being unpredictable or hot and cold in their relationships. So anyway, these attachment styles carry into our adult life and our relationships. And while I have talked about the mother wound, and you probably hear more about that, but for men, the father relationship profoundly shapes our identity, our sense of masculinity, our sense of safety, and how we express our emotions. And when that father relationship is emotionally absent or is inconsistent, critical, uh traumatic, or reversed, it leaves a wound. And if we don't address that wound, we unconsciously replay it in our adult relationships. Now, instead of sharing someone else's story in this episode, I'm going to share more of my own story and where my father wound began. I was the youngest of five siblings. The youngest sibling was six and a half years older than me, and my oldest sibling is 15 years older. My parents divorced when I was six. That's when I moved in with my mother. And then when I was eight, I moved in with my father. He remarried, and I gotta say, I was so grateful for my stepmom. She was wonderful. But my dad, even though I knew he loved me in his own way, and I certainly loved him, he was what I called a functional alcoholic. All right?

Bill Simpson 4:50

And he wasn't particularly successful as a real estate agent. And I remember him saying things like, hey, if I make a sale on this house, we can afford a vacation, or that pool table that you wanted, or ping pong table, or whatever. And look, we weren't poor by any means. Um, and we never went without. We did okay. But here's where my father wound comes in. My dad was not emotionally available. I've mentioned this on this podcast when I was 13, my mother died. And I consoled my dad, but he didn't console me. Six months later, my oldest brother died at 28. And again, I consoled my dad, but he didn't console me. So early on after the losses, my dad allowed himself to be emotional around me. You know, he cried and he genuinely showed his grief. And I later appreciated that vulnerability. Not so much then, but I get it now. But as time went on, he became more emotionally stoic. You know, and and after he'd been drinking, he'd reminisce in a somber kind of way. Not emotionally exactly, but it was heavy. And again, I would console him.

How The Wound Shaped Relationships

Bill Simpson 6:19

Now, take a second to let that sink in, because it's an important part of the story. You know, think about it. Here I was a teenager who lost his mother and brother within a year, and here I was consoling my father. And he didn't console me. I sucked it up, I stuffed it down, I didn't grieve. I didn't even know I should be grieving. And I didn't fully process those losses until I was in my mid-30s. So let's fast forward to my relationships. And here's what that father wound created in me. I became the strong one, right? The one in control, the guy that was here to rescue you, you know, the knight in shining armor. And I consoled my partners. Go figure, right? I solved their problems, I held everything together, and as a result, I lost myself. I neglected my needs. I overfunctioned. And I equated love with self-sacrifice. Now, it was u ntil therapy where I learned about attachment theory, and I learned that my attachment style was anxious, and there's a subcategory underanxious attachment, and that's you know, people pleasing or like I said, self-sacrificing, right? I wasn't just loving, I was earning love, you know, trying to secure it, trying to make sure no one would abandon me emotionally like my dad or physically like my mom after she died.

Common Father Wound Patterns

Bill Simpson 8:11

And when I finally started to heal that father wound, everything changed. I learned self-compassion to grieve those losses. You know, I learned how to set boundaries, how to communicate more effectively, and how to be present in a relationship. And I stopped needing to solve the problem or rescue my partners. Yeah, no more knight in shining armor. I think it's important to know that the father wound is real and it can be healed. You know, and I see the father wound in my practice a lot. You know, a lot of the men I work with carry that father wound. And even if they've never named it or were aware of it, they have it. I'm gonna give you some of the common father wound patterns I've seen in my practice. One is the emotionally absent father, like my dad, right? My dad was physically present, but emotionally not there. And the result of this is that, you know, I had a hard time expressing my emotions and uh was uncomfortable being vulnerable. And that's common with a lot of men who've had this absent father wound.

Bill Simpson 9:38

Another type is the critical or perfectionist father. And this is where the son, you know, the love the son received felt conditional, you know, that he had to earn it. And as a result, he carries a lot of self-doubt, or his identity is associated with achievement, maybe having to over-achieve to make up for that. Uh and and he often has a fear of failure in relationships.

Bill Simpson 10:08

Another one is the addicted father. You know, like with my dad, it was alcohol. There's also work, gambling addiction, affairs, sex addiction, porn, and so on. And the result of having an addicted father could be being overly independent, like I talked about in the last episode. You know, he has control issues and has difficulty trusting stability, not sure what it is, always feeling kind of a fragile foundation.

Bill Simpson 10:43

Another one is the traumatic father, and this is where he's caused trauma, whether it's physical abuse, uh rage, intimidation, being hot and cold, you know, unpredictable, that creates trauma. And as a result, the boy grows up with an avoidant attachment and he m emotionally shuts down, doesn't know how to do it, and he has a fear of vulnerability, you know, true intimacy.

Bill Simpson 11:14

And the last one I'll mention is the absent father. And this is when the father is physically gone. Like my mom, you know, she left when I was eight, she died when I was thirteen. And the result of the absent father is that he longs for male validation, yeah, and he overcompensates his masculinity, you know, trying to be the alpha male. Or he could have a fear of abandonment because the father wasn't there.

Naming And Grieving The Wound

Bill Simpson 11:46

And as a result of the father wound, a lot of the men I've seen become, you know, the provider who doesn't know how to connect. You know, um, he's the nice guy who overgives or self-sacrifices. Uh he becomes the emotionally distant partner, or the overly independent partner, or the overachiever. Or he becomes the rescuer, you know, the knight in shining armor. But underneath it all, most of the time it's grief. Unprocessed loss. Yeah, it's that loss, you know, of a young boy who needed something he didn't receive. Like in my story, I wasn't consoled by my dad. I had to console him. And it's what's called parentifying. And I had to become the parent to my dad in those situations. Now, as you can see, this is some pretty heavy shit, right? So, what can you do if this resonates with you? If you're feeling that father wound shaping up inside of you. If you recognize yourself here, here's where you can begin.

Skills For Secure Connection

Bill Simpson 13:02

First thing is to name it. Now that I've talked about it and you have a sense of what the father wound could be, name it. Awareness is the first step. You can't heal what you don't acknowledge. Right? You have to have the awareness. And let yourself grieve. Yeah, man, a lot of men never grieved what they didn't receive. It took me years before I grieved. And and it's not just grieving death, it's grieving those unmet needs. Me needing to be consoled about the loss of my mom and brother. I didn't get that. It's also knowing the difference between strength and shutting down. I just recently did an episode on this. Yeah, being stoic is not the same as being strong. And the research is very clear about this. It shows that vulnerability is correlated with courage, not weakness. So there's strength in that vulnerability. Another thing to do is work on learning new skills around feeling secure with yourself and with others. And that includes learning how to regulate your emotions, you know, respond instead of reacting. Um it's learning how to set boundaries. It's also having honest and open communication. And all of these are learnable skills. These are skills that I had to learn. They didn't come to me naturally. I had to learn this.

Seek Support And Community

Quote Of The Week

Bill Simpson 14:45

And and the last thing I'll say about this is if you're going through something that you feel like this father wound is showing up for you, get some support, man. Get some therapy, coaching, uh, men's group, join a community, or maybe at your place of worship, whatever, get some support. You were not meant to carry this kind of thing alone. And if I hadn't gotten the support I got, I wouldn't be here today, let me tell you. And that's why I do what I do in supporting other men. All right, so now my quote of the week. This week it comes from author and speaker Robin Sharma. And he says, quote, It takes strength to confront the pain of your past. It takes even greater strength to grow beyond it. Unquote. Yeah, I love that, man, because it says everything about this work. Because confronting the pain of your past is where courage begins. But growing beyond it is where your self-leadership begins. Yeah, it's the moment you stop being the boy who was wounded and start becoming the man who chooses how he shows up in love for himself and in relationship. That's healing. That's strength, and that's the path.

Bill Simpson 16:18

Hey, and listen, if you see your father wound shaping your relationship patterns, start by going to my website, men on the path to love.com. Again, you don't have to figure this out alone. This is the work and this is the path. And that's going to bring an end to this episode of the Men on the Path to Love podcast, the Father Wound, how it shapes men in relationships episode. I'm Bill Simpson, your host. Thank you so much for listening.

Teaser For Next Episode And CTA

Bill Simpson 16:50

Now, as I continue this series talking about attachment, drama, and feeling, coming up on the next episode, I'll be talking about feeling from toxic relationships. So let me ask you this. Have you ever wondered why feet feels boring after being in a drama-filled toxic relationship? Or maybe you know someone who has. In the next episode, I'll be sharing some light on that question. Please join me for why feet feels boring, feeling after a toxic relationship. And hey, if this episode spoke to you in any kind of way, or you know someone who needs to hear it, please share the link to this podcast and share the love. And until next time, keep your heart open and stay on the AfterLove.