How to Host on Any Budget (and Not Fall Into the Martha Stewart Trap)

Let's talk about the Martha Stewart trap so many of us have fallen into.

You decide you’re going to get everyone together to see your new place. But then you start thinking you need to deep clean everything; you need more seating, more cutlery, and you need to cook a nice meal. Eventually you start wondering: when did hosting get so expensive?

I’m here to tell you it doesn’t have to be. Today’s episode will reframe a few things for you, but the biggest one is about the difference between entertaining, which I’d say is your Martha Stewart dinner party, and hosting, which is casual and can be inexpensive (or even free).

Don’t let Martha Stewart scare you off from hosting a gathering. Bringing people together for a gathering is about connection, not perfection, and you don’t need a pristine home or unlimited budget to do it. All you need is yourself and a little creativity. 

In this episode you’ll hear about:

• How my experience as a professional wedding planner has reframed how I see hosting vs. entertaining (and why I think the host is the initiator, not the venue owner)
• Hosting people outside your home via a community event or at a park, community space, library, museum, etc.
• Different kinds of informal parties I’ve hosted: Picnics in the park! Potluck freezer food parties! Cookie nights! DIY pizza nights! 
• Using energy to manage feelings of vulnerability and create a welcoming environment for guests instead of trying to manifest perfection

Resources & Links

Listen to the Six Rules of Hosting audio guide.

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Transcript

Podcast Intro/Outro: 1:28

All right, gang. Here's to nights that turn into mornings and friends that turn into family. Cheers. Hello, hello, and welcome to the Friendship IRL podcast. I'm your host, Alex Alexander. Each week we talk about what is working(and what is not) in our friendships, community and connections. Have you ever wished you could sit down and have a conversation about what is really going on in your friendships? Well, you found your people. Join us as we dive into real life stories and explore new ways to approach these connections. Together, we're reimagining the rules of friendship

Alex Alexander: 2:24

Okay, let's talk about the Martha Stewart trap that so many of us have fallen into. Well, let's say you want to have people over. You have a creative gathering idea. People have been wanting to see your new place, and you're like, Okay, I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna send the invite. I'm going to get everybody together. But then you start spiraling because you're looking around your house and you're like, oh my gosh, I need to deep clean everything. I need to organize everything. I don't even know what I'm going to serve people for dinner. I should probably make some fancy meal, but where are people even going to eat that meal? Because I don't have enough chairs, I don't have enough plates and place settings. And I was thinking about doing maybe a cheese board, but I don't have cheese knives, or, honestly, a board to serve this cheese board on. So now you feel like, okay, so I should like, maybe buy some folding chairs, and I need to buy some more place settings, or, I guess, buy nice disposables, and I need a cheese board and cheese knives, and just like that. It's like, when did hosting become so expensive? And I'm here to tell you today that spoiler alert, it doesn't have to be you don't have to be a person who has designed your entire home around entertaining. You don't have to have all these fancy pieces of equipment, you know, like the Food Warmer or the beverage tub, the cheese knives, the 28 piece place setting dinnerware. You don't need any of that. This episode today is going to reframe a few things for you. But the first reframe I want to offer is this idea between hosting and entertaining. Think about those two words for a second. Entertaining is this idea of putting on a show. When I think of entertaining, and I say this with love, I tend to think of kind of a Martha Stewart type gathering. Now, please note, I grew up with Martha Stewart Living, arriving to my house every month, without fail. Honestly, there might still be a subscription coming to my house. I don't really know. My mom loved Martha Stewart. I used to watch all of her shows. Her magazines were displayed. My mom would pull them down to reference. And personally, because I do like entertaining, I think that it is fun to do that sometimes, but I also was a professional wedding and event planner for over a decade, and I think doing that professionally has really made me think about things differently. There is entertaining, and then there is hosting, and they are very different. Honestly, when I was a wedding and event planner, I would say I was a better host than entertainer. Hosting, to me, is initiating and gathering people, and that can be done anywhere, any which way. It's really putting this focus on creating a comfortable space for people to connect. That's it entertaining in my mind, and if I think back to like my wedding career, entertaining was more of this focus on, how can we make everything look picture perfect? How can we make it look like it goes in a wedding magazine, like you could put it in Martha Stewart weddings. There's kind of a formula for it depending on the day and age that you're in, because I do think the formula changes, kind of, you know, by decade, but, you know, in. Your home, this formula would be serving a fancy meal, having all the right things, having a fully stocked bar, having, you know, like the ice bucket, making sure there's appetizers, maybe having place cards or place settings. You don't need to do that if you are going to host people. You don't need to have a perfect home or an unlimited budget to bring people together. All you need is yourself and a little creativity, because you can design your gathering around keeping it very, very low cost, and that's what we're going to talk about today. Now, to keep pulling apart this idea of hosting, I think when I talk about hosting someone, most people also think about having people to your home. I don't even think you need to do that. You could host at a reception hall, at a hotel ballroom, at a park, at a game shop, at a museum like think about it. When I was a wedding and event planner, people hosted events not in their home, very rarely. I mean sometimes, but very rarely. Was it in their home, right? Normally, they rented a hotel ballroom, they rented a wedding venue. They rented a wedding venue that was a farm hours away. People host destination weddings across the world. So if you have it in your head that you need to be in your home, you don't, and we have plenty of examples of other ways to host. And you might be thinking, Well, Alex, you know, if I go somewhere else, I have to pay a fee. That's not true. That is not true at all. You could host something as simple as this is actually happening this week with some friends. I have a friend who is hosting, in my mind, she has done all the organization. We're gonna go watch a local holiday parade. That's it. It's free. I mean, we have to get there. You have cost for transportation, but otherwise it's free. But what she has done is she's organized everyone. She's talked about the timing. She's talked about where we're meeting. We're all gonna get together, and we're gonna go watch this parade. You could also contact some local game shops, if those exist in your city or your town, and you could reserve a table at one of those game shops. I guess, I don't know where you live, but where I live, those are free. I think you can get, like, a two hour reservation. They have a whole bunch of games. You go up and you borrow them at the front desk. Now, of course, they're going to give you a coupon, hoping that you buy a game at the end, but you don't have to. You can just go in and play for free. There are spaces that exist out there. Think of the different businesses do a little research. What about community spaces? Is there a community hall, a rec center? Your library probably has rooms that you could rent. And by rent I mean reserve. You could reserve a library room. There are public parks you can host in all sorts of ways, look up activities in your city or your community that are free, like this parade that I'm going to, and you can host somewhere else besides your home, right? Because in this sense, the host is the initiator or the organizer. You don't necessarily have to be the venue. And that, I think, comes from my wedding planning days. If you're like, Well, I've never really thought about it that way, then maybe I'll just take a second here to let you know that I have a guide called the six roles of hosting guide. I've had this for a really long time, but I just redid it so now it's an audio guide. It has, I believe, seven audios. They're all about five minutes or less. You can listen to it on your favorite podcast app. We will link it in the show notes, but it talks about these six roles of hosting. They are, the initiator, the organizer, the food person, decor and mood. That's one role, Day of organizer and cleaning. And I talk all about how not to do certain roles, how to simplify once you start thinking about it in these roles. So what I'm telling you here is that really hosting is the initiator organizer role, and you can get rid of a lot of the right. Most of them, and I talk through that in the guide. Now, if you do want to host and you do want to provide food, whether that is in your home, or maybe it is, you know, meeting up at that local game shop where you can bring your own food, or it is a park picnic. I know I use that example a lot, but I actually love a park picnic. That's like a common thing for friends and I to do. There is always the option of a potluck. And I know people can feel a little like, well, like, if I'm going to host people, I should provide all the food. Why? Why? Even when I host people at my house, and I'm like, don't bring anything. It is fine. I will cook all the food, because I like cooking. People still want to contribute. People still show up anyways with dishes. People are still like, well, but I don't know, like, can I bring a salad? So let any shame or anxiety you have about a potluck go and try and get creative with it. Instead, you can do so many things. You know, one of my favorite gatherings, if I look back, it was just a really funny one was we did like a clean out your freezer potluck night. So the request was that one thing you bought in the frozen food aisle because you thought you'd really like it, and it's fine, but, like, you've never really eaten it again. Or you bought it thinking you would try it, but you've never made it because really it's for a group. Like, you bought that Trader Joe's appetizer, because it sounded really good, but the party has just never come up for you to make it, and it's been sitting in your fridge for six months. Bring that over. And we literally had a potluck party with friends, where everybody cooked the frozen foods that were in their freezer. I've done another night. This was a girls night. Actually. It was a slumber party at a friend's house. We all showed up in the burbs and we hung out, we went to Trader Joe's, and we bought the things we've always wanted to try. So everybody picked out one item, and it was normally, like an appetizer type thing, not always, but a lot of it was that, like, why would we ever buy that? It's not really a meal, but we've always wanted to try it, and then we cooked them all. So I think we all spent five to $8 and we had a grand old time. It does not need to be expensive, but it might cost us a little bit of our time thinking about creative ways, and it does require us to get over that anxiety of thinking. We have to follow the same formula. A lot of people are tired of the formula. People want to get creative and do something different. And in my mind, right, those memories stand out because they are different some other like themed potlucks, right? You could do a favorite cookies night. Don't cook dinner. Tell people, it's just cookies, you know? And they could either bring a packaged cookie or bake a cookie. You could do a movie hangout with popcorn, and everyone can bring their favorite popcorn topping. This just popped in my head. But I saw this on TikTok, actually, the other day, somebody did a sauce party where everybody brought their favorite pasta sauce, and the host cooked pasta. Pasta is pretty inexpensive, and people tried all the pasta sauces and ranked them a gathering that is, I guess, kind of legendary in my friend group, or these make your own pizza nights. So you can buy pizza dough at Trader Joe's or a lot of grocery stores pretty inexpensively. You could make it, but I would buy the pizza dough and a jar or two of sauce, and then everybody would bring their favorite topping, and then we would make pizzas from the combination of toppings that everybody brought. And if you're like, Alex, food just isn't my thing, then I'm here to remind you you can host a midday gathering. Be upfront about the fact that there's no food, provided you do not have to cook some big, fancy meal for it to be a worthwhile gathering. And in fact, so many of the most fun gatherings I've had when it comes to food are just really weird out there non traditional food options for a party. Now, if you're trying to be mindful of your budget, if you're like, I want to get people together, but I'm broke. There is no money in the gathering budget this month. Alex, then let's talk a little bit more about some free public options. I mentioned these earlier. You know this idea of park picnics, for example, that are my favorite a park picnics, great, because it can be one of those just kind of show up whenever you want, like, hey, we will be at the park from nine to three. We're bringing a blanket. We're going to chill. Bring whatever you want to share with people. Maybe you bring a game, I don't know, hacky sack, Frisbee, frisbee golf, Spike ball, whatever it is, and you just set out your blanket. And people show up normally. When we do this, people kind of understand, like, if you want food, you bring something. So most people kind of pack a little cooler or put some stuff in their bag, either for themselves or to share. I feel like we normally end up with kind of a mishmash in the middle blanket of different, I don't know, bags of chips and drinks and things, oftentimes probably people like already had them in their pantry. But if the park picnic isn't speaking to you, then I would spend a little time looking at some other community resources. Again, every city is going to be different. I'm in Seattle, so some of these ones I'm about to mention are specific to Seattle, and you're going to do need to do research on your own city. But in Seattle, the first Thursday of every month has free museum hours, so in the evening, after work, the first Thursday of the month, gosh, there are probably 20 ish museums, and you can just go from five to 8pm for free. So if you did the research on this, you could then reach out to your friends and be like, Hey, let's set up like a calendar for the first Thursday of the rest of the month, and anybody who can meet up let me know. This is my calendar of when I'll be there. You could vote every month on what people wanted to go to. You could grab dinner beforehand. Maybe grab a slice of pizza. I know we're trying to keep it low cost. You're not, probably not going out to some fancy dinner beforehand. But there are other options. You know, Seattle, again, I mentioned the library reserve a room. Have a game night game afternoon in the room at the library reserve a space in your community center. Seattle, again, look up your own city, but Seattle has the option also to get free attraction tickets and event tickets. So for example, if you want to go to the aquarium, they offer, I think it's four tickets a day, so you kind of have to be on it to be the person that gets that day's tickets. But I have heard it's not like that hard, you know? You maybe have to wait a week or two. You could do the research, do the work, get a set of those tickets, and then reach out to some friends and be like, Hey, who wants to go to the aquarium today, I've got free tickets, right? That's a great way to be the initiator, to create a space to connect. You know, is there a third space in your community? Is there a coffee shop? Maybe you use that public space creatively. Get a little group of you together, six, eight of you, everybody grabs a cup of coffee, and you all connect for your book club. That's a gathering right in the back corner of this coffee shop every month. In this sense, instead of doing all the work of following the formula, having the cheese knives and the folding chairs and the 28 place settings and the fancy menu that's work, right? You're just doing different work. You're doing research to find alternative creative options, and honestly, I would guess you're probably going to inspire your friends. There's more than just inviting people over to your home. Now, if public is really not what you want to do. If you're like Alex, I really want to have people over to my place. I just moved and I want to get people together, and I want to have them here in my home, or maybe just gathering at home. Is on your bucket list for this year. It's a big goal of yours to invite people into your space. I've talked a lot about how that is a great way to connect with your people to show some vulnerability without having to sit there and just, I don't know, share your deepest life stories. When somebody comes into your home and into your space, they get to see in your refrigerator. They get to see if you make your bed or not, although I guess they may not see that, because you might make your bed if people are coming over, but they could see what's on your bookshelf. They get to see what kind of games you play. They get to see what's on your fridge. You know, Do you have photos up there? Do you have banned tickets from past concerts you've gone to? People can learn a lot about you by being in your home. So sometimes it is worth pushing past. Discomfort to let people in. But if you're like, my home is not big enough. Number one, I want to tell you, people do not care. People do not care. I used to host 20 plus person family brunches, and by family, I mean friend family brunches, friends givings, birthdays and people would sit on the floor. I have so many photos of everybody just sitting on the floor, literally around the coffee table I built back then out of like copper piping and a piece of plywood that I stained like this was not a sturdy coffee table, and yet, eight people would eat dinner sitting criss cross applesauce on the floor. Okay? People don't care. People just want to be together. So with that in mind, if you want to have people over, but your biggest concern is the food, whether that is because you don't really enjoy cooking, or because food is an expense that you haven't budgeted for. Focus on an activity, right game night and popcorn a coffee hangout where people come over, like coffee book club on a Sunday morning, where you're just providing a pot of coffee, maybe some donuts, maybe, like you don't even need to do that, because at the end of the day, what people want is to be let into your life a little bit, I covered that in the beginning. And they want a space where they feel welcomed, connected, engaged, and if you can just let them in, you can just spend all your energy, instead of all your energy being spent on like scrubbing every baseboard and making sure everything looks picture perfect, if you use your energy to manage your feelings when you're feeling vulnerable about people being In your space. And by that, I mean, you know, we've all heard the jokes about like, oh, the stressed out host, when you have people over, if you're constantly like, Oh, don't open that cabinet, or, Oh, I got it for you. Or like, you're kind of jumpy, right? Use your energy instead to just try and be grounded, to be calm, to be like, thanks for coming over. This is my home, and as you look around and your brain starts wandering about, like, oh gosh, are they gonna notice that there's spots of paint on the ceiling that I never fixed and that that thing over there, that drawer is broken, and whatever use your energy to be like, It's okay. We're all people. They probably have spaces like this in their home too, and that is what I mean by feeling welcomed and connected and engaged. And if you can do that, people don't care how much you spent, because it is such a rarity in the world today to have these very honest spaces where people feel comfortable and you're providing that that's incredibly valuable in today's world. So to close out this episode, what are the mind set shifts you're having ready? There's a difference between entertaining and hosting. We're not worried about entertaining. Leave that to fancy people or people who love to do it. Some people love to do it. If it's not you, that's okay. You can still be an amazing host. How do you do that? Invite people into your world, whether that is your home, or it is the causes that you're passionate about, or it is the things that you are interested in, like going to certain you know, history museums maybe let people into your world, they're way more likely To let you into theirs. I want to remind you that organizations, nonprofits, businesses, startups, there are all sorts of organizations, cities, community centers, that are working with limited budgets all the time. If your local nonprofit that is raising money for unsheltered youth has a very low budget for a gathering, but they need to raise money or awareness. You wouldn't judge them, right? You'd be like, Wow, I am so impressed that they got so creative to create a space to create awareness for a really important cause. So the next time you judge yourself, step outside a little bit and think like, wow, why am I so hard on myself when I would be celebrating somebody else for doing exactly this? Why is it. That organizations are allowed to work with limited budgets, but people in our homes, we feel like they need to portray themselves a certain way, let it go and the final mindset shift this moves right into it is low cost doesn't mean low value. In fact, in my mind, often low cost creates constraints that make us all more creative, which actually makes it more memorable, which in my mind, to my value system, something that is memorable and engaging and creative that is high, high value. I want that in a world where everything feels the same all the time. So with that, if you want to go a little bit further into shifting your mind around, hosting, making it feel more accessible, making it feel more possible, right? Maybe a goal for this next year is to host one gathering, if that's you, then head to the show notes and download my six roles of hosting audio guide. It is going to completely shift how you think about gathering. It's going to give you a new way to plan and to conceptualize your gatherings as you think through each role and what you do want to do, what you don't want to do, what you're strong at, what your friends are strong at, how you can involve them in the planning and the organizing. And let's break the mold, because more in person gatherings means more connection at the end of the day, hosting is about connection, not budget. There's still so much we can do, even if your budget for this next gathering is literally zero. With that, I'll see you next week. Thank you for listening to this episode of Friendship IRL. I am so honored to have these conversations with you. But don't let the chat die here. Send me a voice message. I created a special website just to chat with you. You can find it at alexalex.chat. You can also find me on Instagram. My handle, @itsalexalexander. Or go ahead and leave a review wherever you prefer to listen to podcasts. Now if you want to take this conversation a step further, send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting. And use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out. No need for a teary goodbye. I'll be back with a new episode next week.