The 10 Coffee Date Experiment That Changed Her Friendships with Alison Kinsey

She used to call herself the shy, awkward kid with one best friend. Now she calls community her superpower.

Last year, Alison Kinsey decided to run an experiment: invite 10 interesting people to coffee in one year. The result? New friendships and a complete shift in how she sees herself.

And you’d never guess it was a cross-country move to California that encouraged her to become an initiator. From afar, I’ve seen Alison start networking groups, go on blind double dates, host low-effort gatherings, and get deeply involved in her local community.

Alison is also one half of the Podcasting for Creatives team (and host of the podcast, Real Time Creator), who I have been working with since this podcast was just an idea.

 If you have been telling yourself “I’m too introverted” or “I’m just bad at this” —  that story is not permanent. If you keep showing up, you'll look back and realize you're not the same person anymore. 

In this episode you’ll hear about:

• How Alison’s move to San Diego triggered her to become more intentional about her friendships, starting with connecting with the organizer of a Meetup group
• How Alison used Instagram as a kind of “friendship dating app” to find and connect with people in her community
• Real Time Creator, which documents Alison’s career break from being a high-earning breadwinner to taking a creative sabbatical
• Alison’s challenge to have coffee with 10 new people over the course of a year, and her experience organizing low-stakes hangouts

Resources & Links

Find Alison on Instagram, LinkedIn, and her podcast Real Time Creator, which documents her layoff from tech and creative sabbatical. 

Learn more about my podcast editing team, Podcasting for Creatives.

Listen to Episode 12 about the Roots framework; Episode 14 about friend groups; Episode 44 about how making friends can help you with the big life choices; Episode 48 about using the internet to find connections; Episode 83 about making friends in different life stages; and Episode 134 about fringe friends.

WANT MORE?

My book, Are We Friends Yet? hits shelves June 16. Get on the waitlist for pre-order bonuses + a first look.

Dive into The Connection Reset. A 10-day private podcast to help you see the abundance of connection that already exists in your day-to-day (Yes. Really. I promise you have more than you realize). Start today. 

Transcript

Alex Alexander: 0:02

All right, gang. Here's to nights that turn into mornings and friends that turn into family. Cheers. Hello, hello, and welcome to the Friendship IRL podcast. I'm your host, Alex Alexander. Each week we talk about what is working(and what is not) in our friendships, community and connections. Have you ever wished you could sit down and have a conversation about what is really going on in your friendships? Well, you found your people. Join us as we dive into real life stories and explore new ways to approach these connections. Together, we're reimagining the rules of friendship

Alex Alexander [Narration]: 0:57

What if the story that you tell yourself about friendship, I'm not good at making friends. I'm too shy. I'm just not that person isn't actually true. What if it's just a story, one that you have been telling yourself for so long that it feels like a fact? Today's guest is someone that I have worked with since this podcast was just an idea. Alison Kinsey is one half of podcasting for creatives, the team that has been editing this show from the very start. Over the last three plus years that we have been working together, I have watched Alison build community from afar, starting business networking groups, traveling to visit historic friends, getting deeply involved in her local community. In fact, when I asked her for a bio for this episode, she wrote in her own words, Alison Kinsey superpower is building intentional community and curating meaningful friendships, which is wild, because that wasn't always her story for most of her life, Alison self identified as the shy, awkward kid with one friend, the girl with her nose stuck in a book, The one who never really wanted to be seen. And then she rewrote her story brick by brick. There was this one particular LinkedIn post that she shared in late 2025 that had me immediately in the comment section being like, Excuse me, we need to record an episode about this. Now. I will share that exact LinkedIn post with you a little later in the episode, but it is a testament to how far she's come. Now, Alison self identifies as a connector, a community builder, someone who organizes events, reaches out for coffee dates and brings people together. But here's the thing, she didn't just wake up one day and become that person. She made intentional choices over time that slowly shifted how she saw herself. And actually, Alison is in the middle of another major identity shift right now. She recently started her own podcast called Real Time Creator because she is documenting a extended career break and creative sabbatical in real time, all the identity shifts and big decisions that she's navigating daily. Now you'll hear us talk a little bit about her new podcast and her journey at the end of the episode, but if you want to tune in to some of those deeper conversations, like the one about how she almost panic sold her house, I have linked her podcast in the show notes, but let's get back to the conversation that we're about to dive into today, because this one is about how to rewrite your own connection story, the story that maybe you've never shared out loud, but your brain has been running on a loop. But more importantly, it's about the identity transformation that happens when you stop believing that story, the one about how you're bad at Friendship, or you're too shy, or whatever your personal narrative is, and instead start showing up as the person you want to become.

Alex Alexander: 4:24

Alison, this is such a fun episode for us to record. I don't know why we haven't done this sooner, but I'm happy that you're here today. Thanks so much for being here.

Alison Kinsey: 4:34

Thank you. This is the most surreal moment ever, because I feel like I know you in real life.

Alex Alexander: 4:41

Well, isn't that funny? So I have talked about you and Steve on the podcast many a time, right? I don't do this podcast by myself. I've worked with you two from the beginning, and we've never met. One of us needs to either be in Steve. Seattle or New Hampshire. Like, at some point we've been working together for years,

Alison Kinsey: 5:07

yeah, since day one of your podcast, which is just so cool. And we love working with you.

Alex Alexander: 5:14

Oh, I love working with you guys. You guys have made it so easy for anybody who wants to start a podcast. We're gonna put a link to Podcasts for Creatives in the show notes, which I think I've done before too.

Alison Kinsey: 5:23

So yes, podcastingforcreatives.com.

Alex Alexander: 5:29

Yeah, we've never met, but it does. We've been working together for so long that it does feel like I've known you forever and ever and ever. But here we are behind the microphone. Everybody gets to hear a little piece of how the podcast comes out. Yes. Now I saw something on your LinkedIn, and you were talking about a strategy that you've had this year that we'll touch a little bit later on in the episode, and I immediately messaged you. Was like, actually, I think I commented, I think I was like, Do you want to talk about this on the podcast? Question mark? And maybe you thought I was joking, but I very much was not, because I just think it's so cool how you're putting yourself out there.

Alison Kinsey: 6:11

Thank you. Yeah, I have a lot of little tricks in my toolbox, and I've really been prioritizing intentional connection and the payoff for that is just wild. So I am really excited to talk more about that today, because, yeah, I wasn't always like this. I was not always reaching out to people. I wasn't always extroverted.

Alex Alexander: 6:34

So would you consider yourself an extrovert now?

Alison Kinsey: 6:37

Yes, so I'm probably more like 60/40, 60/40 extrovert, introvert and yeah, like when I was growing up, I was the super shy, awkward kid in school, never wanted to raise my hand, had dozens of imaginary friends, and always had my nose stuck in a book that was Just me. I was just in my own world. I just never wanted to be visible. I just never wanted to be really seen. And I was always the girl with the one best friend. I was never the popular girl who had tons of friend groups for a lot of my life. And it wasn't until I moved to San Diego, that that all changed, just getting out of my comfort zone and leaving my hometown and realizing there's this whole wide world in front of me and I can recreate my story from here.

Alex Alexander: 7:36

I just feel like so many people think that being an introvert or an extrovert is, you know, like an innate, unchangeable trait. So to hear you say that you feel like you've kind of swung that really, like changes something that I think a lot of people have this very set belief on, that's cool,

Alison Kinsey: 7:55

yeah. And I still, of course, like, need to recharge my batteries every so often too, but I'm not as scared anymore to put myself out there.

Alex Alexander: 8:08

which probably makes it a lot less draining. I mean, it's kind of that idea of, like I talk about how connections a muscle you've kind of built up, that muscle, maybe you can sustain longer. Do you think?

Alison Kinsey: 8:19

Yeah, I think it does take, you know, just putting in the reps and reaching out to people. And when I look back on just my journey in San Diego, because I moved there, not knowing anyone other than my aunt, so I didn't have friends, and I really did have to put myself out there in a bigger way. And one of the things that I did was I joined meetup.com which I know isn't as popular, like just in current society, but I decided to join so my husband and I moved to San Diego, not knowing a soul, having not a cushy savings account, not even having jobs lined up, or knowing where we were going to live, we literally just went out there, just hoping for the best, crossing our fingers. And we ended up joining a meetup group for couples in their 20s and 30s. And it felt perfect, because this fit perfectly the chapter in our lives that we were in. But rather than just, I mean, everybody knows, you can, like, join different networking groups, you can get into those rooms, which is really fantastic as well. I said to myself, I'm going to go and talk to the organizer of this meetup, and just talk straight to her and get to know her and her partner and see if we connect and hit it off. And so we ended up scheduling a blind double date happy hour at a Mexican restaurant. Right? And we completely hit it off. And then it made it so much easier to get into the events that she was hosting. After that I already knew her, she could introduce me to other people. So it really just created this domino effect.

Alex Alexander: 10:16

If somebody doesn't take anything else away from this episode, I truly think that tip alone, like, look for the connector. Who is the person that is naturally connecting with people in the in the room. Connect with that person. And honestly, I think, like, be a little shameless about it, they probably like connecting with people. They probably, I think I'm a connector. I get a lot of joy, not only out of connecting with people, but just meeting random people, right? Is like somebody I might be able to introduce to somebody like I like adding names to the connections that I have. So I think that was just like such a smart, intuitive move on your part, also very brave to just like, dive into a double date. Love it.

Alison Kinsey: 11:06

Yeah, and what came out of that? I mean, it wasn't just me going to these meetups, but it really evolved into me flying out to Vegas for her bachelorette, going to her wedding, even though I haven't lived in San Diego for seven years. We still stay in touch, which is wild. So I mean, these friendships had lasting benefits, but I very easily could have just left it up to the universe to meet a friend at a job or go to a coffee shop and see if somebody randomly talks to me in line. But I feel like we really have to put ourselves into those positions where we're getting out of our comfort zone to really, really see the results we truly want.

Alex Alexander: 11:54

And then, like you mentioned that you were getting invites to the other events and things that this woman was organizing. Did you meet any other people? Did you make any other connections from those like, do you feel like it did go a step beyond her?

Alison Kinsey: 12:11

Yeah, some of my closest friends in that chapter were all made through that group. I met people that lived in Boston, that moved to San Diego, so we had, like, hometown ish connections, which was so great. We went camping together in a small group. We went wine tasting. So it really did catapult into a lot of things. I think something else that really helped in this situation is the group was brand new. So when there's a brand new group, I think there's even more energy that the organizer wants to put into it to see it really take off. So everyone was joining at the same time, everyone was in the same life stage. I think that matters too, is finding people who truly are in a similar spot as you we were all converging in on San Diego from different cities and places, and we could all relate to that unknown adventure that we were all on as couples,

Alex Alexander: 13:13

yeah, and probably had all these things like you wanted to try and do. And so it was like, Hey, we're gonna go check out this park we've never been to, or this new restaurant, and then it just like makes it easy to throw out these invites and find these other offshoot things that you can do together.

Alex Alexander [Narration]: 13:32

Okay, when I start listing off all the things that Alison and her friends can do together, that they might want to do together, that is me subtly trying to call out my roots of connection framework. But instead of tiptoeing around it, I thought I would drop in and tell you, that's what I'm doing here. And if you don't know what my roots of connection framework is, or you need a refresher, go listen to Episode 12, because I dive deep into all the nuances. What I hear Alison saying here is something that I hear from a lot of people, right? I want to try to find people who are in a similar season of life. Now, I think that the reason that people say this is because it is easier in their minds to figure out what to do together when you are in a similar season of life, right at a very basic logistical level, it is easier to send invites to people. It is easier to know what to invite them to do, and there is an increased likelihood of them saying yes. So in this case, Alison is saying, like a lot of these people are new to town, and so that makes it easier to figure out what they should all go do together. Because a lot of people probably want to go see sites around the city they've never seen before because they didn't grow up there. They want to check out restaurants. They want to go to museums and parks fest. Community events, that is an increased likelihood people want to do that because they haven't lived there all their lives. All of this is new, but when you're telling me, I want to find people who are in a similar season of life, I'm not really sure that that is actually what you want, right? I think what people want is people who it feels easier to invite, because what you want to do aligns. So when you're saying this, ask yourself similar life stage, but for what reason? If you went and found people in a similar life stage, but those people never really want to leave their house and go check out local events. Then the same life stage you can have that all day long. It's not going to help you. What this means is that when you actually start thinking about like, what do you all want to do together? What are you all going to connect around? It actually gives you broader options. Maybe it's not people in the same age group, maybe it's actually people in different life stages. And I have an entire episode to help you reframe how you think about that. It's Episode 83 linked in the show notes. What this does here. It allows you to think outside the box in a little bit. Just a little further in this conversation, you're going to hear Alison talk about how she later formed some other groups around entrepreneurship, creatives and content creation, again, excuses to get together, even despite life stages, it's easier to send invites when people feel compelled to do something because it aligns with something they want to do. I'm gonna give you an example. Okay, if you message someone like hey, we are both people who moved here in our 20s. Want to hang out. I'm not really sure that's as compelling as Hey. We are both creatives who are trying to launch our businesses. Do you want to join me at this networking event for creatives? Or, hey, we both moved to this new city. Do you want to go check out this street fair that everyone says is cool? I've never been. I don't think you've ever been. Do you want to go? Do you see how that's different? The second option just feels like a more compelling reason to get together, even if it's not your reason, even if that doesn't fit your life stage. You can see why someone who's sitting there and is a creative might want to go to that networking event, or if they're new to town, they might want to go check out the street fair, versus the first option that leaves you sitting there being there, being like, that's great that we both moved here and we're in our 20s. But like, what do you want to do?

Alex Alexander: 17:47

So when you were in San Diego, I guess, two questions, how long do you think it took you to kind of feel integrated in this group? And then how long were you there, like in San Diego with this friend group?

Alison Kinsey: 17:57

Those are great questions. So altogether, my husband, Steve and I lived in San Diego for seven years, and it was maybe about six to eight months in to living there that we finally discovered this friend group and made an effort to connect with people. And it was one of those things where we joined the group, and I said to myself, why didn't we do this sooner? Like we could have had all these, you know, memories, and just gotten integrated a lot faster. But I mean, the second we got integrated into that group, it was so fast after that, they were really good about organizing regular events, and a lot of the people that were part of that original group ended up eventually the group didn't exist because we all had just organically formed friendships. So it didn't make sense for the organizer to keep paying meetup and doing all these things when,

Alex Alexander: 18:59

honestly, that's probably like every meetup organizer's dream is that it reaches a point where it can just be organic and they don't have to be the sole person responsible for keeping it going.

Alison Kinsey: 19:09

Yeah, 100% I mean, some of those people did end up moving back or moving to a different place. San Diego is a transient kind of city where a lot of people move there, and they might stay for a few years and then move back, but there are people from that original group that are still there, which is, you know, really cool. They've gotten married. A lot of them, they've gotten they've had kids, they've invested in real estate, so they've really decided this is going to be where we build our life from here on out. But we decided to ultimately move back to New Hampshire so we could be closer to our family plant roots. We couldn't afford real estate in San Diego, it's so expensive. So as a little bit like stay. Starting over again after we had just built something so awesome in San Diego. Yeah.

Alex Alexander: 20:05

Was that disheartening to be like, Oh my gosh, I have to do it again. Or do you feel like you did it once so you can do it again? What was it like to leave that behind and then realize like, oh gosh, I'm in the same place?

Alison Kinsey: 20:17

It was really hard to leave it behind. I remember I had organized a few community gatherings before we left, and the biggest one was just a potluck picnic on the beach. It felt like the perfect place, you know, just get everyone to do a quintessential Southern California activity, and I got to see so many people that were just wishing us well, and you know, everyone was sad about it. What's interesting is, by that point, I had found myself in other friend groups, not just this meetup, but I had become friends with a lot of other people, so everyone's just kind of coming together. And interestingly, some of those groups didn't hold after I left, so I learned that I was the glue for some of these connections, which was surprising.

Alex Alexander: 21:10

Okay, wait, but talk about that. Did you like start? Were you the initiator, and then you just always maintain the role? Or do you feel like something organic happened, but you cared enough that you kind of fell into this initiator role.

Alison Kinsey: 21:24

I think I was more the initiator. Okay, so a lot of the friends that were in the original Meetup group were just like amazing people, but we were across all different careers, passions, hobbies, and I had fallen into kind of a group that was focused on entrepreneurship and content creation. I wanted to surround myself with more creative type people as well. So I was organizing local brunches, local meetups for those people. So that created a whole nother group, and I was the initiator. So maybe it's not surprising that, you know, the initiator moves away, and now there's no one that's gonna initiate. So it just kind of shifted after that.

Alex Alexander: 22:14

Yeah, but you can look back on that now and see, like, at the time, were you just really disheartened that things didn't continue. Like, did you realize that you had fallen into this initiator role? Because I'm just thinking so many people right get frustrated that other people don't reach out. And Hindsight is 2020, like, now you can look back and realize you had this role, but what was it like at the time? Like, for which part? Like, when you realize that people weren't that you had kind of been the initiator you're leaving, and now these friendships maybe are dwindling and not going to continue. Were you just like, Oh, Okay, moving on, or did it hurt?

Alison Kinsey: 22:51

I don't think I realized it until, like, a few years after coming back, got it to New Hampshire, because I would periodically go out to visit San Diego, and at first try to, like, organize with the groups. And then it was like, clear that, like, Oh, I haven't seen any of these people since you were last here Alison. I was like, Oh, they're not hanging out. So maybe I shouldn't be trying to force a dynamic. If there's nothing really there anymore.

Alex Alexander: 23:18

I get that as, like, the initiator. You know, it's a great group when one person is really creating that consistency for people. But then when you realize, like, you're the only reason it's continuing, they may enjoy each other's company, but yeah, you're like, oh, okay, I'm really the only one putting in a bunch of effort here. I've been there. I've very clearly, can think of some examples of that, yeah,

Alison Kinsey: 23:44

yeah. And I think it's a natural role for me. A lot of my friends will tell me, your superpower is community. It's bringing people together. They really look up to me for that. So it's a role I do hold close to my heart. I love it. I love pouring into my friends. But yeah? Like, sometimes, you know, you are kind of that person, and sometimes it is nice to not have to worry about being the initiator.

Alex Alexander: 24:09

Yeah, yeah, to kind of like, let it go.

Alex Alexander [Narration]: 24:13

Two things here. First, do you remember the Alison at the beginning of the episode, the one who said she was the shy, awkward kid who never wanted to be seen, the girl with one friend, the one who always had her nose stuck in a book, and now here she is saying, you know, I'm always kind of the initiator. Let that be a reminder that you can shift your narrative. Another one I hear from people quite often is that they are the extra friend, the fringe friend, which I actually talk about in Episode 134 if that is you, you can rewrite that belief how through action, it is time to start taking small actions. That is what Alison has done. And look at her now. She has completely rewritten her own personal narrative, her own beliefs about connection. Now, the second thing that I wanted to bring up here, the reason that I was really pushing Alison about the group dynamics and asking about like when she moved away and what happened to the group, is because my ears perked up, because I'm always interested in group dynamics. I actually have a great episode, Episode 14, talking about how a group of friends is actually made up of a bunch of individual relationships. So if you are like Alison, and you are the initiator, or if you're just a person who attends a lot of group gatherings, because you know someone who's an initiator, and they keep inviting you if you want this group to last and not depend on one person. That requires people in the group to build individual relationships. Go listen to Episode 14 for a reframe. But this is just a reminder that you need to encourage other people in the group to build individual relationships, and you need to do the same, which means that sometimes you may not be at every single hangout, and you have to be okay with that your friends might hang out without you, and you have to see that as strengthening the group, because otherwise you end up in this situation that Alison is in where everyone attended the group gatherings, but no one made a strong web that made that group last and made it resilient. Instead, It all depended on one person.

Alex Alexander: 26:38

Okay, so what year did you move to New Hampshire then?

Alison Kinsey: 26:42

So we moved back to New Hampshire in 2019, we timing. The timing was interesting. We ended up taking a three and a half month road trip on the way back. Fun, which was amazing. We did Airbnbs. We had our two dogs at the time, I just wanted to see more of the country, and just if we're gonna do this, let's at least make the journey back be as fun as possible. We made the move honestly, a little bit impulsively, like we probably would have stayed in San Diego longer, but things had happened in my career, it felt like I was kind of just All right, let's just throw in the towel. Let's move back. We said we were going to do it anyway, and moving back in 2019 I mean, it was interesting. We ended up living with my husband's parents for six months, and then after that, we moved into an apartment in a very cute area in New Hampshire. It's kind of like the jewel of the New Hampshire coast, our tiny, little coastline. But we made that move in December 2019, yeah. So I think we all know kind of where I'm going with this timeline.

Alex Alexander: 27:56

You had goals and visions of all the connections you were going to make, and then suddenly that was not Yeah,

Alison Kinsey: 28:02

yeah. And also just the dead of winter in New Hampshire. I mean, there's snow, you're in hibernation mode. And then, of course, everything shut down, and everything just became really quiet. And I just fell into these patterns, like probably all of us did, where you're just staying home and watching TV and putting on a few pounds because you're not getting out that much.

Alex Alexander: 28:30

... living in sweat pants, you know, non stop. Yeah.

Alison Kinsey: 28:34

And at the time, I had just started a new job, working in tech sales, which I had never done before. And when you're working in that environment, it's very high intensity. You're in a pressure based position. It can be very stressful. You're on calls all the time. So all the extroverted energy I was normally just putting out into the world, I was pouring into my job, and by the end of the day, I found that not only was my tank empty, but I didn't even have any energy to give back to friends. And it was honestly one of the loneliest chapters recently, when I look back on it, I wasn't putting myself out there. I wasn't going to any community gatherings. I felt like I knew a few people, but not a lot of people. And I realized that in my wheel of life, you know, everyone has a wheel of life with, you know, money and fitness and career and all these different buckets. Career was getting 90% of my attention, and community was getting like 1% at the time, and I was defaulting to workaholism, so I just would default to more work, because I didn't have any plans. Yeah, so I knew something had to change, but it took a really long time. Time. I also think it took a long time for the world to even come out of its shell after that period.

Alex Alexander: 30:06

Oh yeah, yeah. I mean, just like, so many weird right? We all felt weird. We felt weird like going places when we weren't allowed to go places, or inviting someone and you're overthinking everything, or you're just like so used to your routine of being at home at night and just watching another show, because you've been numbing yourself that way for so long. I remember, like, that was such an awkward period where people wanted to try and re engage, but we all just felt so like, robotic about it.

Alison Kinsey: 30:33

Yeah, we didn't know how to engage.

Alex Alexander: 30:35

No, yeah, yeah. We, like, all forgotten, yeah.

Alison Kinsey: 30:38

It took, really just a realization of, wow, like, I don't want my life to be like this, and realizing, okay, like, I need to actually make a concerted effort here. I didn't move back to my hometown. I moved to a different part of New Hampshire. So it was like, Okay, I've got to really start over and rebuild what community is going to look like. And for a long time, I think I had one foot in New Hampshire and one foot in San Diego. It was like, I didn't want to fully give my all to New Hampshire, because I was still holding on so tightly to San Diego. It was even to the point where within our first year of moving back, I took a six week trip out to San Diego, within like, I think even six months of us moving back, because I just didn't want to let go. And it was like, Okay, I can't do this. I can't be spending all this money. I can't be leaving my husband for six weeks to do this, so I knew I needed to rebuild.

Alex Alexander: 31:45

Yeah, but it's hard. It's hard, like, when I when I moved, I think I had a similar period where I wasn't there for six weeks because I could drive, like this was if I thinking back to post college. We stayed after college in the town Michael and I, Michael and I met in college. We stayed there, and then we had all these great friendships, all these things, and we decided to move across the state, where I'm from, to Seattle, and I don't know that first, like, year, year and a half, at least once a month, if not more, we were driving back across the state. Wow. Or, like, if somebody had, you know, a birthday, or even just, like, the smallest thing, somebody was doing something fun, I'd be like, it's fine. I'll drive over this weekend. You know, four hours over, four hours back, yeah, yeah, because it was where so much of my social life was, and here it felt hard, yeah, yeah. It's very real. That's a common feeling. So when you decided to really invest in New Hampshire, in this new city where you did not grow up, what were some of the first things that you did?

Alison Kinsey: 32:54

One of the first things that I did was I went psycho, following people and businesses on Instagram. I think this is actually one of the best ways to seek people out. To me, Instagram is like a dating app for friends, even though it's not really built that way.

Alex Alexander: 33:15

I love this hot take,

Alison Kinsey: 33:18

yeah, so I'm following like hundreds of people, and I'm finding them through comments on posts or looking up geo tag locations for local coffee shops or local co working spaces, just places that I might want to hang out. And I'm finding people through their follower lists or who they're following, and I'm just going down the line, clicking on hundreds of profiles, seeing who seems interesting. And, you know, I start out just collecting that in my mind. I start engaging a little bit. Throw in some likes and comments here and there.

Alex Alexander: 33:58

So are you following people's like when you're looking at an account, because now we got to talk about this, people are gonna have questions. Are you mainly following people who seem like they want some sort of an online presence, like business accounts, people who are posting all the time? Are you just posting, like, following random accounts of somebody who hasn't posted in a couple of years, and they got some photos of their dog and that trip they took to Mexico and like, their backyard with a glass of wine in the photo. Like, how are you picking who to follow?

Alison Kinsey: 34:29

So I'm picking people based on, does it seem like they're integrated in the community? Okay? Are they posting pictures at the local coffee shop? Are they attending local events or meetups? Because you can quickly kind of learn, you know, what are the groups that are being hosted in this area? Who's showing up in those rooms? Because if they're showing up in those rooms, they're going to be a little more open to connection.

Alex Alexander: 34:57

This makes sense to me. It's like people who are putting. Stuff out there, maybe not to be seen by, like, the broad bar. You know, they're not trying to, like, grow their account, but they, they do want to show that they are going to that new business opening, that they are engaged in this thing. Okay, okay, I get who you're following, yeah.

Alison Kinsey: 35:18

And then I started actually showing up at events here and there, and that took a little bit, because I'm still working full time. Some of these events happen during the day. It's hard to sneak out, but I start showing up to a few. But I realized a lot of the chatter at these events would be very surface level. It was rare to get really deep and one on one with someone in those rooms. So I started thinking about, like, who would be really interesting to go deeper with, and set up a one on one coffee chat with, and I wrote a list of, you know, 15 people that I wanted to meet last year.

Alex Alexander: 36:00

You're not the first person who's talked about a list, by the way. Like, I know that feels kind of silly to say you're making kind of like a Oh, I feel silly that I made this list. I'm like, you you had intention. You had a goal. You were not going to sit around and feel like you were on the outside anymore. I love a list. I'm impressed by a list.

Alison Kinsey: 36:20

A list is intentional, yep. And I realized, like, I need to be really intentional about this. I know that there's people out there that I could maybe connect with in a bigger way. And so I started reaching out to people, actually in January of 2025 I figured New year, new energy, people will hopefully be receptive to this. And out of everyone I reached out to, only one person said no, and it was because their calendar was crazy. They just couldn't commit to it in that season of life. But everyone else said yes, which is like a 90% response rate. So that, I just think goes to show it is worth it to do this. And I would either send just a really casual, quick direct message, or I would send a more formal email, if I had their email. But we'd meet up at a local coffee shop. It got me out of the house, which is great if you're working remote. And often, I would schedule these coffee dates for the morning, right before work, and the first thing I noticed was just how energized I felt for the rest of the day. Any day I had a coffee date with someone, it just changed the whole tone and feel of how my day turned out

Alex Alexander: 37:39

when you reached out to these people. Were you just like, you want to get coffee, or did you tell them like you kind of had a goal here, right? Your goal was to get to know more people in the community. Did you tell them that? Or was just like, hey, I'd love to get together. I thought you were an interesting person. Exactly that. Okay?

Alison Kinsey: 37:58

I think you seem really awesome. I think we would connect. Let's get together. Let's talk. And the people that I ended up connecting with. I mean, it was really a mix of people. There was somebody that did real estate in our community, somebody that runs a business out of New York City, but lives in New Hampshire, so that was interesting, and she's become a close friend, someone who runs a local podcast about New Hampshire. So just all these people that, for one reason or another, they seemed like they would be cool to have a one hour conversation with.

Alex Alexander [Narration]: 38:38

Again, two things here. First, I have not heard about using Instagram the way that Alison did. I've had nobody tell me that in all my conversations around friendship, and I love it, but I do have a couple other episodes about ways to use the internet as a tool to sleuth around and find connections. So if you want those, want some different ideas. Episode 48 which is Actionable Ways to Build the Connections You Need in Your Community, with Michele Reichman. And Episode 44 How Making Friends Can Help You Make the Big Life Choices with Daesha Waddup of those are out there, and they have different ideas to add to your toolkit. Second in the intro, I mentioned that Alison had posted on LinkedIn about a small goal that she had made for herself in 2025 that had a big impact what she's talking about right here in the episode. This is it. We kind of flowed right into it in our conversation. So I wanted to call it out so that you knew this is what I was talking about, right? She made a LinkedIn post that I saw, and that's what prompted me to invite her on the podcast. So I am going to read you her LinkedIn post. Alison wrote something has completely changed the trajectory of my social life and inner joy this year, and it's the simplest. Ever can you commit to 10 hours? I've been inviting interesting people to join me for one on one coffee dates. One, this fulfills two of my core values, connection, plus community. Two, some of these coffee dates have turned into full fledged friendships. Three, it is the easiest, low friction ask, and nearly everyone I asked said, Yes. Here are some of the incredible humans I am grateful to have met this year. And then she goes on to list the 10 people that she connected with in the last year. And I thought to myself when I read this post, that's it, 10 hours in 12 months. That is 10 hours out of 8,760 hours in a year, and in just 10 hours, she felt an impact. We've got to talk about this on the podcast, because there are some really big, scary stats out there, like it takes 60 hours to make a friend, and 200 hours to make a close friend, and that can hold people back, because everyone's like, I don't have that time. Who has that time? Now, if making a really, really close friend of yours is a goal, you might be like, Alex, like, she's just saying she feels a little more connected when she goes to an event, but when you start to feel even a little bit more connected. You are more likely to go to the event, which gives you more hours of seeing that person. You are more likely to invite them to a get together at your house, or another event that you're going to basically, if making a close friend is a goal of yours, you've got to start somewhere, and 10 hours is enough.

Alex Alexander: 41:43

So what has come out? Well, actually, first of all, remind me how many of these coffee dates you did in 2025,

Alison Kinsey: 41:52

I ended up doing 10. And you're probably thinking, Wow, 10 is not a lot, and it's not but it made an impact. It made an impact. And what I'm going to say is that it's not that it was this life changing, crazy impact, but it was an impact that has continued to pay off, because now I go into rooms at events, and I'm seeing more familiar faces. I'm learning things about people that I didn't know about, and now I know, oh, I can talk to them about this topic. One of the women that I met with is a photographer, and I found out she's like, working on creating an Airbnb, and she has a van, and she's done cross country van life, so it was just this whole other thread I didn't know about from looking at her Instagram grid. So just knowing that, like I have these connections, and some of them have turned into repeat coffee dates and actual friends, but I don't go into it with a transactional feeling of this person has to do something for me in the future, like I want it to come from a very genuine, curious place. I feel like people are interesting. So why not like learn more about people, and you can learn so much even in just one hour.

Alex Alexander: 43:19

So when you inevitably get to the end of almost every networking ish interaction you have with someone, and they get to the point where they look at you and they're like, Okay, so what can I do for you? And every time I I'm always like, I don't really have anything. What do you say to people? Because I'm sure that comes up, right? That people ask that inevitable question at the end, like, we spent an hour together, what can I do for you?

Alison Kinsey: 43:49

Interestingly, only one person asked me that,

Alex Alexander: 43:52

only one? I love, that people got why we were doing this.

Alison Kinsey: 43:57

Yeah. And what's so funny is the person who asked it was just like, yeah, like, I don't have anything. I really don't like. I really asked you to come to this coffee shop to genuinely Connect. I'm not trying to get something from you. So yeah, I I'm glad it, it was like that and that people didn't view it as transactional. I think they maybe took an equal interest in me as well.

Alex Alexander: 44:25

Well, I spent all this time talking about friendship and community and connection, so that makes me really happy to hear that people are also just curious, like at the end of the day. That's, I think, gonna make us all way more likely to connect with each other, if we can just do it from a place of curiosity. So that's really cool. That's how it ended up for you. So doing 10 is a very sustainable plan. It is now 2026. Are you continuing with the one on one coffee dates? Like, are there goals for this year?

Alison Kinsey: 44:55

Yeah. So I do have a list, and I actually have my. First coffee date of 2026 happening next week. So I'm very excited about it, and it's with someone who is opening a wine bar in our town that came to an event that I had organized, but I didn't really get to, you know, converse with her too much, so I'm really excited about that. The other thing I've been leaning into, as it relates to these coffee dates is also opening myself up to virtual as well. So I'm in a life stage at the moment where I'm laid off, I'm on a career break, and I've been opening myself up to talking with other people that are in a similar stage, kind of that in between pivot stage of their lives. And one such example is I talked to someone a couple weeks ago. We had a great conversation. She ended up tagging me in a LinkedIn post. I was number two on a list of like 10 people you have to follow if you want to make your LinkedIn more fun, I end up getting a flood of connection, requests, messages, and I now have virtual coffee dates scheduled with three women from that and this all stemmed from one 30 minute call that led to now even more connection. And I'm really open to the connection. I think in this season, I think we all kind of go through different seasons where maybe we want to just kind of focus on the people around us and invest in those people more heavily, and other seasons where we are open to new people and making time for that. So I'm in a space now where I'm just here for all of it.

Alex Alexander: 46:45

So before, your filter was really local, and I know you're still prioritizing that, but do you have any sort of filter for these virtual not that you're gonna say no to somebody necessarily, but like, do you have certain types of people you're trying to meet for any reason, or is it just like whoever?

Alison Kinsey: 47:03

Yeah, so having a filter, I mean, it's definitely good, because otherwise, there have been weeks where I've realized I'm just letting my calendar go crazy and I'm not really setting enough boundaries around it. So I will say I'm relatively open to who I speak with, but there has to be something where it feels like I genuinely feel like we could connect, or we could relate or resonate with where we're at in life. I think that's just like a helpful filter, because otherwise you could just very quickly have way too many calls on your calendar. So that's important to me.

Alex Alexander: 47:44

I just feel like, you know, you're in a big transition season, and I've talked about this on the podcast before, but I feel like I have a very bustling virtual community around me when it comes especially to, like, work, like so many of my work people, I will be talking about somebody to, like, a friend or somebody local, and they'll be like, Okay, well, where does this person live? Because they all know I'm like, Oh, she's in Lisbon and she's in New York, and she's in New Hampshire, and she's in San Diego, and she's in Barcelona, and, like, it's this virtual network. So I've put a lot of focus this year on trying to get more local connections. And the virtual is great, but you could just meet anybody. So that's why I was asking, is like you're in such a pivotal moment, I was wondering if you were seeking out anything in particular. But I actually think it's cool that you're not necessarily, because you're in such a season of just like, where am I going? You know, like, you could have a coffee date with someone, and that could be the entry point into an entire, like, career pivot you don't even know about.

Alison Kinsey: 49:05

That's what's so exciting about it is just you don't know. And I really, truly believe that all of these conversations and connections, they will pay off.

Alex Alexander: 49:16

So you were talking earlier, something that caught my ear. You know, we've talked about how you are the initiator, and you were saying that you've initiated some groups in New Hampshire. So yet again, you're doing the work that you love to do, and creating some spaces and some groups. Can you talk a little bit about that, and like, how you decided what groups to initiate?

Alison Kinsey: 49:39

Yeah, so I think there's two parts to this. One. I truly believe that if the thing you want to join doesn't exist, create it. Just create the thing and just take the initiative and. And do it. And I think there's a lot of really interesting even just trends going around where I think a lot of women are just craving really low effort hangouts where I'll give you one example. This past January, I invited a bunch of women that I've kind of collected through various coffee dates, community events, and I hosted a vision board night, and I provided all the supplies, and we had some wine and some snacks, and we talked about our goals, and it was really inspiring and really fun. And I keep thinking like, Okay, what's the next low stakes hang that I can put together that everyone would just have a lot of fun doing. The other side, because these are friends from all different, you know, career paths, walks of life. The other angle is, how can I continue to foster women in my life who are also building something, who are also entrepreneurs and business owners, and how can I create that container for us to come together? And so I created a group called business and friendship, and the goal was, and this is always my goal, with pretty much any kind of connection I'm going to make, is that friendship is really just the genuine goal of it, rather than just swapping a business card, having it be super transactional. So I organized some events for that group, and one was a business book swap. So we all brought our favorite business that's fun. Yeah, it was so fun. We all brought our favorite nonfiction book, and we got to talk about how that book has impacted us. And the book that I brought was called The Big Leap, which is all about just breaking through your own glass ceilings, if you will. And that was just so much fun, and it was intimate. And that's another principle that I've always really believed, too, that's carried me through from San Diego back to New Hampshire, is that smaller is better. I think in group settings, I feel like eight or less is just a perfect number so that you can truly get to know every single person in the room. So that has also just been an important intention of mine as well. And then I planned another one where we all like pressed flowers on pumpkins. And it was just so fun to collaborate with another business owner on that one, and to meet these women that I hadn't met. And one of the women that was at that event invited me to learn how to play mahjong with her and some other girls. And I'm like, Oh my gosh. Like, this is having ripple effects. This is so cool.

Alex Alexander: 52:47

The other thing I love about these is they're not anything that anyone has to really prepare for, right? Like, you're saying low stakes. Everybody's got a business book, even if you forgot about this hangout and 30 minutes before, like, you could probably just walk in and be like, yep, that one, great. Okay, moving on. You know, people just show up for a vision board night. It may not be good. They may never use it again, but they can just, they can be there flower pressing. Why not? Right? There's, there's no harm here. I'm just gonna go hang out. It just, you're making it like so easy for especially women who are probably overrun with other thoughts and commitments to not have to do a bunch of prep work and think about all these things, they can just be like, Yep, okay, I'm gonna be there. And they show up and they switch everything off for the hour or two, they're with you, and then they head home. And I think that, like, there's all sorts of ways to talk about low stakes, but like that, the lack of prep work required is, yeah, something maybe to call out for people.

Alison Kinsey: 53:54

We don't always want to put on a fancy dress and walk into a room in a power suit, and sometimes we just want to let our hair down and connect as women. So yeah, I'm excited to plan more things. Like I've always wanted to organize a book club. I've always wanted to organize even more kind of crafty get togethers with business chatter mixed in, kind of like the pumpkin pressing on the flowers and everything. So, yeah, you know what I saw that was really cool this week on social media, somebody started a hobby club, so she picked a different hobby for every month of the year. So 12 hobbies like archery and shuffle dancing and I'm going to use flower pressing. I don't think that was one of hers, but that's like an example. She picked a hobby for every month and picked the same date, and she said she's just been telling random people, like, here's the calendar, if you could. Make any of these. Here you go. I was like, how savvy! That's what I like about that is just the here's the calendar so you can plan ahead. Show up. If you can't show up, that's okay. I mean, who wouldn't want that? I think for those that aren't initiators, it's so nice to feel like there's things you can just go to and you can show up

Alex Alexander: 55:25

... and for you, and the work you're putting in with the one on ones, I would imagine it creates kind of this natural like segue after you've had that coffee. I know you're limiting it to eight, so you can't invite everybody every time, but some of these people you can invite to certain things and just like, hey, if you can make it, here you go. And that doesn't require you to keep having all these like, one on one, yeah, connections all the time.

Alison Kinsey: 55:54

The other thing I'm doing for that group too is for anyone that follows the business and friendship account on Instagram, and maybe they sign up for the email list, because I would do that a lot, just to learn about local events in my area and sign up for the email list. Of all these places is I created a very short welcome sequence, and the very first email has a video from me just kind of saying, hey, like, can't wait to meet you. Can't wait to connect with you. I share about my mission, my goals, that friendship is number one, and so that also just kind of creates, like a welcome feeling right off the bat. And then I also include a survey so they can tell me, like, what are they interested in? What part of my area are they from? So it just gives me data that I can use later.

Alex Alexander: 56:41

Is the goal of business and friendship to grow it into some bigger thing, or is it really purely just to make some connections?

Alison Kinsey: 56:49

I really, at my core, just want to make genuine connections.

Alex Alexander: 56:53

The reason I was asking that is because I was thinking like, some people are going to hear that you made a little email sequence, you made a little survey, and they're gonna be like, you know, that's a lot to just make connections. Well, like, honestly, you've just made it easier on yourself. The goal is to get people to come hang out. These are just there. Anybody can sign up. It makes them more likely to come to the thing that you are creating space for. And then you get to meet them, and you get to do the work there, if they show up, instead of having to do all this work, like in the DMS every single time, and being like, well, here's the calendar for the next three events. And, you know, like, that's a lot. Yeah, I think it's really smart that you just, like, set up a little automation for this thing.

Alison Kinsey: 57:34

And the other thing too, that I should add is that I do charge for the business and friendship events, because these are things that I'm putting a lot of energy into, purchasing things this is different than like me hosting a vision board night at my house, and I'm just hosting friends. So I do charge for these events, and my goal is to just cover my costs. So it's not really meant to be a money maker or a profit driver for me, but it's something that can bring a lot of joy.

Alex Alexander: 58:03

Yeah, I mean, it's, I think it's common right to, like, split costs for certain things with friends, and that would be kind of hard to organize and arrange with a bunch of people you don't know that well, so it's just like an upfront expectation of, you know, you don't ever have to reach out, and you're not investing tons and tons of money into these events yourself, yes, and everybody's benefiting, yeah, yeah. Well, you know, what a journey you have been on. Quite frankly, like to start this episode talking about how you just always kind of felt, you know, like the girl who would rather stay at home and read? I mean, that was me a little bit too. And, you know, just always had one friend. Like, the amount of effort and energy you have put in to basically rewriting your like, connection story is impressive. Thank you. It's just, it's an example of, like, how small, consistent action over time can really, like, shift your perspective, right? Like, now you identify as a connector and somebody who builds community. And that's probably not something you could have said couple decades ago. No, I think all the time about my life, and, you know, you see kind of two paths diverging. And there's a version of me that never left New Hampshire, that stayed in the hometown, and there's the version of me that decided to take a really brave risk and move to California with no money, no job, no place to live. And there was something about having to be so resilient that just really pushed me out of my comfort zone that I just to this day, I'm so grateful that I did the thing like I don't even recognize the version of myself that I was growing up compared to who I am. Today, I literally was in my DMs yesterday with somebody, right? I spend a lot of time talking to people who just really have the story about themselves, like their identity is so wrapped up in the fact that they are a socially anxious person, and there's a whole spectrum to that? Yeah, some people, I really do send my my love to you, because, like, that is an actual diagnosis, and that's a whole thing. But some people have just really identified. The vast majority of like, I am an introvert, I am socially anxious. I am the weird one. I get messages that say that I'm just not good at friendship, and we will go back and forth and back and forth and back and forth. And it's like, I can tell you, you can shift your narrative about yourself all day long, but at the end of the day, the only person who can actually shift the narrative is you. And like, that's literally what you've done in this episode. So that's just, it's very cool for me to see, because I talk to a lot of people who are just really unsure how to do that for themselves. So I hope that this conversation hits with those people.

Alison Kinsey: 1:01:11

Yeah, I hope it inspires people. Because, yeah, I mean, you can make friends from so many different things, like, maybe it's not through reaching out to people to do a coffee date. Maybe it's through another avenue. There's so many ways. I mean, I've made friends out of Facebook groups that are for making friends. So there's just, there's so many options out there so many things you can do, and if you feel like you struggle with confidence or putting yourself out there. What I have to say about that is maybe just put on an alter ego when you're doing it,

Alex Alexander: 1:01:49

like, give yourself a new name, yeah? Like, right, Beyonce calls herself Sasha Fierce when she goes out on stage. Like, give yourself give yourself a stage name, yeah, exactly.

Alison Kinsey: 1:01:59

Just kind of embody the up leveled version of you that is confident, that does reach out, that is extroverted, or, you know, not afraid of reaching out.

Alex Alexander: 1:02:12

Well, Alison, I don't have any particular like final wrap up question, but I guess if there was anything else you were going to say to somebody like to you 20 years ago, what would you say? You know, like the you that you can't imagine anymore, or you don't identify with? I think that's what you said. You don't really identify with anymore.

Alison Kinsey: 1:02:29

Wow. I would tell her to stop caring what other people think, because I think that really held me back. There's always a reason, you know, for that fear of being seen and being visible, and there was a lot of insecurity rooted underneath that. So I would tell her to stop caring what people think. Put yourself out there, raise your hand, be confident.

Alex Alexander: 1:02:57

I just love it so much because that's what you're doing now. That's so cool.

Alison Kinsey: 1:03:01

Yeah, thank you. Yeah, I actually have a podcast now of my own, which I never thought I would ever have, and so now I'm putting myself out there in an even bigger way.

Alex Alexander: 1:03:12

Yeah, you are. I'm gonna open by talking about the podcast. But from your words, can you talk about the podcast? Because I think there are a good number of people who maybe would like to have a pivot, like you. I know you didn't choose this pivot, but maybe some people want to choose this pivot. Can you talk about your podcast a little bit?

Alison Kinsey: 1:03:32

Yeah, so it's called Real Time Creator, and it is my public documentation every single week of what I am going through and making a decision from being a breadwinner, I was making over $200,000 a year. It was a number I never could have imagined for my life. I will tell you that I went from being that high earning breadwinner to getting laid off and realizing I could very easily fall into the same pattern of just finding another job in sales and just rinse and repeat and just find myself back in that stress loop. But I realized, you know what, there's something more for me right now, and I'm going to take an intentional career break, and I'm going to choose me even though I'm getting the temptations like I'm getting, you know, people wanting to interview me for jobs and all of that. I'm like, Nope, I'm choosing me even though it doesn't make sense, even though I don't know where it's going to go, and I'm releasing a podcast every single week. So it's everything from what happened when I got laid off to the identity shifts that I'm experiencing to how I'm redoing my budget. I almost sold my house. I have been like looking at all my habits and routines, like my phone usage, my fitness. Routines. I restarted therapy, traveling. I'm like, just filling my life in completely different ways. So I would say anyone who is a high achiever that is thinking about what it could be like on the other side, maybe they're craving a sabbatical, or someone who's gotten laid off and just wants to feel less alone. That's really what the podcast is all about. And I'm hearing good feedback about it.

Alex Alexander: 1:05:26

It's amazing. I've listened to at least one and a half episodes so far because I played the one after the one where you almost sold your house. That one really, the title was great. Really drew me in. But yeah, it's been such a great shift for you. It's been fun to watch you so and thank you so much for being here today.

Alison Kinsey: 1:05:46

Yeah, you're the best Alex. And I'm excited, you know, to hear what resonates with your listeners and if it inspires them in any way, any piece of this same

Alex Alexander: 1:05:54

I mean, I think there's going to be a lot of takeaways. I just I really appreciate all your shares today.

Alex Alexander [Narration]: 1:05:59

I just want to thank Alison so much for being here and for sharing her journey. I think that there's something so powerful about her story where it wasn't just about like making more friends. She fundamentally changed how she sees herself. She went from I'm that shy, awkward kid to my superpower is building community. And we all know that that shift didn't happen overnight. She just shared with us all these small, consistent actions that she took right 10 coffee dates, joining a meetup group, reaching out to the organizer, going on a blind double date. She talked to us about showing up even when it felt uncomfortable. Now, the thing is, if you are listening to this and you have been telling yourself a story, any story about who you are when it comes to friendship, I want you to hear this. That story is not permanent. You can rewrite it. It might not happen in a month. It might not even happen in a year. But if you keep showing up, putting yourself out there in small ways, taking small actions, one day, you will look back and realize that you're not the same person anymore. You can find Alison on Instagram and LinkedIn, LinkedIn, the show notes, and if you are interested in hearing about her career pivot and creative sabbatical. Please be sure to go check out her podcast, real time. Creator, I've linked it in the show notes. It's full of 15 to 20 minute episodes about taking an intentional pause and choosing yourself even when it doesn't make sense. Now, I've said this before. I'll say it again. If you are someone who needs a podcast editor, or you want to launch a podcast, I cannot recommend Alison and Steve at Podcasting for Creatives enough. They have been with me since the very, very beginning, and they make this whole process so much easier. I truly especially when my health was struggling, I would not have continued the podcast without them, so I'm going to put a link to Podcasting for Creatives in the show notes as well. Please reach out to them. And finally, if this episode resonated with you, please send it to someone who needs to hear it, someone who's been stuck in their own limiting beliefs about connection, someone who needs permission to start rewriting their narrative, because remember, you don't need 200 hours to make a close friend. You just need to start somewhere. Can you commit to 10 hours this year? 10 coffee dates, 10 intentional conversations, 10 small actions that could completely shift how you see yourself. And with that, I'll see you next week.

Podcast Intro/Outro: 1:08:45

Thank you for listening to this episode of Friendship IRL. I am so honored to have these conversations with you. But don't let the chat die here. Send me a voice message. I created a special website just to chat with you. You can find it at alexalex.chat. You can also find me on Instagram. My handle, @itsalexalexander. Or go ahead and leave a review wherever you prefer to listen to podcasts. Now if you want to take this conversation a step further, send this episode to a friend. Tell them you found it interesting. And use what we just talked about as a conversation starter the next time you and your friend hang out. No need for a teary goodbye. I'll be back with a new episode next week.