Not Everyone Grows With You — Here’s Why

Change your identity and your world changes back. That sounds bold, but as we unpack how growth reshapes friendships, marriage, parenting, and career, the pattern becomes impossible to ignore. We trace the arc from a tight-knit LAPD circle—poker nights, sports, familiar routines—to the decision to pursue coaching, health, and leadership. The shift wasn’t about superiority; it was about alignment. When the goals diverged, the invites slowed, and the “no’s” increased. That distance felt strange at first, then honest. And that honesty freed us to find rooms that matched our future.

We talk about the art of not making anyone the villain. Language matters: interests diverged rather than people abandoned us. That reframing keeps the door open for curiosity. Sometimes old friends circle back with questions when they see the steady results—better energy, stronger relationships, purpose-driven work. We also lean into the 50-50 principle: real growth includes friction and uncertainty. Expect it, work with it, and it becomes a compass rather than a roadblock.

At home, the story gets personal. Leading by example beat pressure and persuasion. A simple offer to train together sparked shared momentum, from early fitness wins to building a business side by side. The ripple reached our teenager, who chose discipline—reading in the morning, workouts, identity habits—without being told. That’s the power of proximity: identity change is contagious. We wrap with practical reflection prompts to surface your own turning points and highlight how new opportunities—mentors, sponsorships, coaching roles—often appear after you start showing up differently.

Subscribe, share this with someone on the edge of change, and drop a comment with one relationship that shifted because you did.

If you’re hungry for real transformation and want community to match your pace, we invite you to explore our short video on becoming a high-impact coach, covering both the inner game and the external systems that sustain performance. 

Want to lead high-stakes conversations with real skill?

High Impact Mastery Academy (HIMA) by Modern Leadership Coaching helps you:

• Build a repeatable method for the conversations that matter 
• Develop confidence through live reps and direct feedback 
• Create measurable change with the people who depend on you

Apply to HIMA (no calls, 24-hour review):

https://www.modernleadership.us/academy

Transcript

Growth Isn’t Private

SPEAKER_00 0:00

So growth isn't private. When you grow, things around you shift. Your relationships, your energy, even the way people respond to you. But not everyone grows with you. So let me ask you a question. What's one relationship that changed because you changed?

Identity Shift And Old Circles

Outgrowing Environments

Navigating Distance Without Drama

SPEAKER_01 0:16

I think it's best if we talk about this, both the positives and the negatives. I'll take the negative side of this because uh a lot of my relationships changed. Uh being a police officer working for LAPD, um, I had a lot of relationships. We would go out play poker, we would go to fantasy football, we would go to play softball, all of these different things, right? And what I realized is that when I started to shift my identity, I started to grow into somebody different. I wanted to make more of an impact. I wanted to use my coaching, not only with like health, but relationships and wealth and all these kind of things, that I started to learn different things. And everybody else didn't. They weren't interested in learning about that. So I found that I stopped spending as much time with them. They stopped spending as much time with me. I stopped being invited to some things. And honestly, I started to say no to many of those things as well. That was a part of the process, is when I started growing, I didn't realize it that their interests were not the same as mine. They didn't necessarily want to grow a business. They didn't necessarily want to become a better father or a better husband. And that was my focus, right? And I also felt like at some points, we don't like to say that other people hold us back. In reality, we always have an opportunity to like to lean in, to learn the lessons, to make the adjustments and take control of what we can't control, right? But when you find that you're hanging around in that certain environment and you're hanging out with them more often, they can definitely steer influence you in a different direction. And so while thinking about this whole idea of growth, I wanted to make sure that I point this out. Sometimes we outgrow the people that are around us, and that's okay. Maybe sometimes they don't want to come along with us, right? But forcing yourself to stay in the environment can sometimes quote unquote hold you back because you're going to be influenced by the environment. So when I think about that, when I think about that level of growth, I didn't know that that was going to happen, right? I thought everybody's going to be hunky dory. They were all going to be like wanting to like take my leadership and my motivation and be able to run with it. And not many people did. However, I did start finding new friends, new relationships, new people, new rooms that I was stepping into, including a part of the dad edge, that now I get to lead the actual parts of the team, but I would have never done that if I had just stayed stuck where I had been.

SPEAKER_00 2:19

But how did that feel as far as like your close relationships, right? Because you had friendships and not that they've completely disappeared, um, but they did distance themselves from you, or you know, vice versa. But how did that feel initially?

SPEAKER_01 2:35

I like to think about this in a couple different ways. Um, first off, I don't think that they necessarily distance themselves from me, and I didn't distance myself from them. It's just our like desires, our goals, interests, interests and stuff, they just weren't the same anymore. And so it didn't make sense to actually go down that path, right? So what's funny is that we do sometimes get together with them and we always talk about different things than they're talking about, but it actually does get them interested. And it seems like, you know, they start asking us more questions when they see that level of stuff, right? I don't necessarily take it as a bad thing. I just take it as like our interests, you know, grew differently, right? And there were things that I wanted to focus on that they didn't want to focus on, right? Yeah. So I don't think my brain ever went down the path of like, this is wrong, how dare they, or anything like that. It was just more of like, this is just what life is like. Like people are gonna come, they're gonna go. Some people are gonna want to go with you, some people aren't gonna want to go. And this, like, but the only thing that I can control is how I show up, right? And I'm also not saying that everybody didn't didn't follow me, because there are some people who are still in our environment that are police officers who are wanting to become coaches and that because they know what it is that I did, right? So there's always those parts too.

Change Hurts Before It Helps

SPEAKER_00 3:38

Yeah, and I think the part about you kind of like understanding that that's just part of the process. I think that comes with with awareness. But I think initially for people, it might hurt that you feel like um maybe even feel like people might be talking about you behind your back or something like that, right? Or there's like this this kind of conflict. Um, so but I think that it comes with time where you realize that that's just how how it goes. That's the way it is. And it's it's okay because I mean, change is inevitable. Life is just about change, right? So the moments where you had these relationships that it's always gonna be that way, right? They evolve and because you're evolving.

The 50-50 Of Life

Growing Together As A Family

SPEAKER_01 4:19

Yep, 100%. Okay, so so I want to hear about the other side, right? And by the way, we talk about this because uh I was taught when it comes to um coaching that life is 50-50. You're gonna have 50% of your life that's gonna be positive experiences and 50% that are gonna be quote unquote negative experiences. Um, by the way, they're only positive or negative based off of the perspective that our brain takes. So I'm just gonna throw that out there, all right? But in reality, like we're going to have both positive and negative things. Trying to pretend like everything has to be positive is actually not helpful. It actually creates more negativity in your life. But also focusing on the 50% that's negative all the time is is gonna get you to see more negative as well, right? But let's talk about like the other side of this. So, can you share some examples of of the whole process of growing and actually bringing maybe some people along with you?

Leading By Example, Not Pressure

SPEAKER_00 5:02

Yeah, well, I have a lot of different examples because that's just part of how it is. There's there's a lot of benefits to really focusing on your internal work. Um, but for me, I think what I think about is just our family, the relationship that we have with our children and the relationship that we have. In in particular, like our relationship and how we've grown together. I think that has been really key because not only did you start to change your identity, I started to change. So that creates a different dynamic because at the beginning, it wasn't quite like that. It was where you felt like you were kind of dragging me, right? Because you weren't aware of kind of like that that coaching aspect of things where it was more of, you know, you were trying to lead the way. Um, but you started to to grow with that and you started to understand that you weren't gonna drag me, you were gonna show me how like you were changing was going to create a lot of positive benefits in our lives. So I started to come along because I wanted a part of that as well. So the the fact that we were both doing these changes together is a great benefit because now as parents, we could also, you know, use that raising our kids, right? So the relationship with our kids have been, you know, incredible. And even, you know, just thinking about like what's happening recently with you doing the 75 hard and how, you know, that's part of your identity. You do these kind of challenges, but now our oldest is doing that as well. And not because you told him to, it was because he got curious. And now he's doing kind of like this mini identity work as well, or he's reading personal development in the morning. He's getting up early doing a two workouts, right? And he's only 16. So that that's what I mean. Like those positive things happen because of that internal work that you do. So it, you know, it's not always about the things that you lose, it's about all of the stuff that you gain.

Reflection Prompts For Fast Growth

Identity Change Creates Opportunity

Invitation To Become A High-Impact Coach

Discomfort As A Compass

SPEAKER_01 7:08

Yeah. And and I want to make sure that you guys know that you have done this too. Like, no matter where you are right now, you've grown since you were younger, right? And I want to take you through a real quick reflection so that you can see how you've actually grown, but also like learn some of the lessons along the way of how you've actually helped some other people to grow too. Before I do though, um, Teresa was right on point. Like when I started to get really focused on my health and fitness journey, um, I was more trying to convince her to come to the gym, convince her to do a workout program, convince her. And it was like me more pushing than just asking her some questions and just giving her her space and saying, hey, I'm thinking about doing this workout. I don't know if you want to do it with me. If you do, that's awesome. If not, like no worries at all. And you're like, yeah, I'll do it with you. It was unfortunately P90X. And we were at both out of shape. And we ended up getting into incredible shape together, right? And and I know a lot of people right now see us working in business like it's tandem. I mean, both of us, we run this business, right? We don't have to work our nine to fives and whatnot. And a lot of people are like, I want that kind of like relationship with my wife, you know? Um, I want to be able to work that business. And maybe this is another video for us to do a little bit in the future, but it's what happens when you focus on the things you can control and you lean into that. So let me take you through this real quick reflection, right? I want you to think about a season in your life when you were growing fast. Okay. So think about a season, a time when you were growing fast. So who else changed around you because you did? And what opportunities showed up simply because you were starting to show up differently? I love that last question. Because a lot of times we think that we need the outside to change first. But as a high impact coach, that is not the case. Actually, the inside always changes. And when the inside changes, you will be amazed at just what the outside does. And sometimes it doesn't make any sense. And you're like, why is this person all of a sudden showing up like this? Why is this opportunity? Why did somebody just reach out for a sponsorship? Why did somebody ask me to coach their in their environment? Like, it's like all of these things start to happen. You're like, I don't know what happened. Uh, it's called identity change. When you change, people can see that and they can feel it. And it's really powerful when you do. But you also like plant the seed for so many others when you do that. So I'd love to hear some of your answers to the questions that I just asked below. Now, I just want to make sure you know that this level of growth doesn't happen alone. It happens when you surround yourself with other people who are also willing to grow in the same places that you are. Now, if you've watched this video or this series and you're really wanting to make sure that you grow into that high impact coach that not only focuses on identity, but real lasting change and transformation, I want to invite you to check out a real quick video that Teresa and I did where we share what it takes to become a high impact coach, both the internal and the external sides of human performance. Now, the true benefit in there is not just what you do, but is the person that you become. And when you can give that gift not only to yourself, but to those you care about the most, that's where the true game changer is. But I just want you to remember this the growth is very rarely comfortable, but that's also how you know it's working. So keep leaning in, keep getting uncomfortable, and keep leading from the front.