Parents and Partners

Hi guys! If you follow Through Our 20’s on instagram or my personal account I made a post about how my episodes were deleted. Totally devastating I’ve lost significant process and stats but I’m thankful that I still have all or majority of my episodes saved although they are the unedited versions. This is a reupload. Original date is October 22, 2022. I was 21 here. :)

(Original ep description) 

Hi everyone! Thank you so much for all of the love and support. I can't begin to thank you all enough for tuning in. In this episode I will be talking about how the relationships we do or don't have with our parents play a huge part in who we attract, and who we choose for our partners.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:19

Hi everybody, welcome to the first episode of Through Our Twenties. My name is Time Ye. With all of the love in my heart, thank you everyone that is listening. Uh, thank you, everyone that reposted or helped me promote Through Our Twenties. I'm so excited. This is gonna be a good podcast. I I pray that God blesses everyone that is listening. And yeah, I'm excited. I'm so excited. Um, shout out to my friend 14 who produced the intro. He's amazing, and I'm just I'm so grateful. So let's get into the first topic of our podcast parental versus romantic relationships. Let's talk about attraction, the action or power of evoking interest, pleasure, or liking for someone or something. We always hear things about how we are who we attract, or the things that we should do to attract the right people. But one phrase we don't talk about enough is how we attract what we haven't healed from. A couple weeks ago, I was talking to my best friend about how I have a type and I attract certain people. And while it may be a stretch because it's so common and me dating is very fresh, but of the many things we listed, me encountering men that have these bad or non existent relationships with a parent is one of them, just like I do. And I really hate that it's so normal, but we can't control the actions or the choices our parents make. We can't even be like, oh, it's a black thing. Some people just don't have good relationships with their parents. Some people have divorced parents, some people were never really together, and some parents choose to stay out of their children's lives. There's a lot of different reasons. When we when we encounter people that don't have both parents healthily in their life, we're instantly like, okay, this person may have a lot of healing and learning to do for the physical and knowledgeable absence of their parent. That was the case for me, and I didn't even know it. And what usually comes with an absent parent is not only emotional trauma, of course, but an imbalance of feminine and masculine energy. We have no choice but to navigate through certain situations in life with no warning or idea of what we're getting ourselves into. And while experiencing certain things by myself has been great for building character and wisdom, I can't help but to think how things would have been for me if I actively had both of my parents in my life. Me growing up, I've always been very shy and awkward, and the older I got, the more quiet I became. I didn't start to grow out of my shell until last year when I moved back to my hometown for a little bit and had my first boyfriend as well as my first breakup. I was in a very vulnerable state, and that was that was before I even had fallen in love. I was in a very vulnerable place. So when I did fall in love, it was very intense, it was a lot, and love dumbs you down when you surrender to it, it takes over. I felt that I waited until I was mature enough to start dating. I I saw some things growing up as far as the men that well, the woman in my family would choose, and vice versa. And even from the way my father and mother's relationship was, I was frightened by the thought of having a boyfriend, or not so the thought of having a boyfriend, but the thought of someone mistreating me. I was just like, no, I'm okay. I'm gonna protect myself for as long as possible until I feel like I come across someone that is worthy. Um, my teenage years were really conservative, I guess. Um, I went through a spiritual awakening at 15. I didn't listen to secular music, I didn't watch TV, I didn't have any social media, and I didn't have much of a social life either because uh I had moved to Pennsylvania with my mom and we didn't know anyone but one person. It was all a very beautiful and spiritual thing. Um a lot of people were like, well, why did you move to Pennsylvania? Why didn't you stay in Ohio? What happened? And it wasn't really something that had happened, it was just when God tells you to go, you have to go. Um but yeah, as far as my spiritual awakening, I wasn't really I was a teenager, of course, but I was acting like a grandma. I have an old soul, and and that was my choice to forget about everything that was roly and just devote myself to God. I felt that God needed me to experience who he was. And it was it was the most beautiful moment of my life. So, long story short, at the age where boyfriends and having romantic relationships was common, I wasn't on that. It wasn't appealing to me, it wasn't a concern or a need or even a want. Maybe eventually, but not at that time. But um, yeah, the only good representation of love that I would see was on TV. I thought with all of those years of watching my friends and family be in and out of relationships, that I'd know how to pick someone that is kind and respectful and genuine and equally yoked. But no matter how prepared you think you are for love, you will never truly be prepared for the person you're receiving it from. And that can be both a good and bad thing. What I have realized from having my first boyfriend and being in that space after my first heartbreak is that our romantic relationships expose our parental relationships. It is a mirror of our upbringing and trauma, what we were and weren't taught about the opposite sex, about our emotions, about control, about respect, about communication, about what it means to truly love someone. I understand that no one is going to get into a relationship and everything is perfect, but there's little things that add up and turn into big things, and it just becomes exhausting. And I feel like when we don't recognize the toxic behaviors that we've learned or haven't been corrected on from both our parents and previous relationships, it will undoubtedly haunt us. There will be repeated patterns, and you'll be responding and reacting to certain situations out of fear because of what you've been through with someone else. I had to come to terms with a lot of things this year, and they were all unexpected. It was like there was no space for comfort this year. Everything was screaming growth, painful growth, new people, new places, new pain, new healing. And that's every year, but this year was a little bit more extreme. But I grew a lot. I had a constant thought that was saying, you have to grow and you cannot stop life from happening to you because you're scared. And while I was hurt a lot this year within dating, I'm grateful. I'm grateful that I allowed myself to experience something in someone for once, no matter how much it hurt me. Because those experiences brought me to a place that made me realize how hurt I actually was from the damage of both my childhood and my dating experience. I didn't realize how hurt I was from my parents until I started dating, and I didn't realize how hurt I was from my ex until I started dating again. That realization on top of some other things really put me in a depression, and the seasons changing shortly after didn't help either. I I always seem to get seasonal depression. Um, it sucks. But feeling like you've lost yourself after establishing or thinking you've established who you are is so painful because you work so hard on getting yourself in a certain mindset and discipline, and here life comes forcing you to be a new person when you were already content with who you were. The events of life are constantly molding us into new people, and we have to learn to be okay with that. I have to learn to be okay with that. None of us have much of a choice anyway, but I'm I'm so resistant to change of any sort. A lot of the times I'm just like, Lord, no, I I love this me, I love who I am right now. I don't want to fight another battle, I don't want to be traumatized by another person. He's just like, you gotta grow. Feeling like I wasn't myself after my relationship, my first relationship, and a very short-lived situation. I don't know what it was, but it just it was like, wait a minute, this is not my anger, this is not my sadness, this is not who I am, this is not how I view the world, so why is this how I feel right now? I had become a version of myself that I didn't agree to being. Where am I? And how did I get here? People will tell you that in order to move on, you have to see other people, and while that can be true, you have to detach from that person and what they did to you. So, in other words, make sure you're healed because that's not anyone else's business but your own. And people are not always going to show you sympathy because of how someone else treated you. I was I was confused though because I thought that once you're over someone, that's your healing. I thought if someone is no longer in your life, that means you're done with whatever lesson God sent that person to teach you. But the lesson isn't done apparently until you see the purpose they served, whether it be good or bad. I came to the conclusion that if I don't understand why a certain type of person was in my life, that person will keep finding me. It'll be a different person, but it'll still be the same person, and that person did find me. Nothing is nothing is worse than having your first heartbreak and some person comes into your life and and they do you even worse than the person you were in love with did. It's pretty crazy, but everything serves a purpose, I guess, and and we truly do attract what we need to heal from. And in order to heal, we have to be exposed to the things we didn't even know was hurting us. When you begin dating, you learn more and more about yourself. And I definitely learned more about myself. My childhood was having everything I wanted, but the sacrifice was my parents were always busy. I lived with my grandma, and my parents were usually elsewhere when I was in elementary school. My mom was living in Georgia, and my dad was in the same state as me. A majority of the time, but he moved around a lot. There was always something new with him. I have nine siblings. Yeah, nine siblings on my dad's side, and I am the only child of my mom's. I always felt weird, like an outcast. I can't say that I didn't feel like my family was my family, but I always felt like I didn't belong or like there was something wrong with me. I don't know, but God willing, everything will fall into place, and I'm able to meet all of my family in Chicago because I think I would really benefit from that. Um, you know, it's kind of weird when you meet your family, you're like, okay, uh, none of these people act like me or look like me, and then you have your family that stays out of the loop. Those are mainly your family that you'll be the closest to. Like, I didn't even know I had some family that that were like me until I saw pictures and my sister's mom was telling me about them, and I was like, oh wow, okay. So yeah, but anyway, hopefully I get to meet them. But anyway, back to what I was saying. I I had very I had very money hungry parents. They were always busy, always out of town, always doing something. And before I was old enough to understand why my parents were always gone, it was it was very hard for me. I was I was really confused, and the thoughts I had as a seven and nine-year-old child are thoughts that no one should have. No one wants to think their parents don't want them or or don't want to talk to them or don't want to be around them. But it wasn't like they abandoned me. Their focus just wasn't always on spending time with me. They made sure I had everything I could ever want. I I always got what I wanted for my birthday and Christmas, and then some had every shoe, coat, and game, all that, but I was very lonely. At that point, I I accepted it, like maybe like 11 or 12. Main so like mainly so for my dad. Um, it was just like, okay, so my parents can give me anything I ask for except their time. And that kind of messed me up. I was a kid, I didn't understand the concept of time versus money. I didn't understand always having to be with my grandma when my parents are healthy and clearly living their life. Whenever uh when I was younger, when my cousins and friends would come over, it was like, oh wow, I wish I had this and that. And I was just like, I wish my mommy was here, I wish my dad wasn't so busy so I could know who he really was and is. But I never fell into being that upset with my mom because she wasn't away for too long and she came back for me before my tenth birthday, like she said she would. And I know that my mom loves me more than life itself, so I know it wasn't intentional to, you know, hurt me. And it seemed like it seemed like everyone tried to drill it into my head that she was a bad mom for allowing my grandma to raise me when I was younger. And the older I got, the more she explained to me her decision to not take me everywhere she went. And I understood that, and I heavily respect that because I wouldn't be who I am if I had a mom that exposed me to everything just to keep me around. She was very smart and trying her hardest to keep me away from anything that would taint my innocence. She had this image that she refused to break. She was like a celebrity in my eyes, and she still is. She's really cool. Both of my parents are pretty cool. Um, my mom knew I was safest with my grandma, and she knew she had some more maturing to do with being a mom at 17. My mom grew up too fast and has lived a life that someone would turn into a series with no dramatizations. I'll just say that. She's very overprotective when it comes to me, and so is my grandma. So from that, naturally, I had a sheltered childhood. What what my parents didn't have as children they wanted me to have. It was like healing, healing their inner child, but kind of hurting mine because I didn't really care for the gifts. That wasn't my love language. I appreciated everything, but I was just like, man, I want to be with my mommy. I want to be closer to my dad. I'm a very emotional person, so nothing that is materialistic can bring me joy the way being in the presence and connecting with someone I love can. My grandma did a great job, and when my mom knew she was there mentally, she did the best job she could have done in raising me. But from from my experience as a child with my parents, of course I have attachment issues, daddy issues. If I feel like I can't trust someone, it's really hard for me to communicate my feelings. I love being at home. I do not leave the house unless I need to. I'm used to staying inside. My uh my grandma was the same way, and she raised me during the first couple of years, so it that's naturally just me. You just adapt certain habits of whoever is raising you. I can be antisocial, not not on purpose. I'm never trying to like not talk to people and being rude about it, and just I get really shy and I just clam up and just be like I I gotta be by myself. I'm not really used to being around people. I don't I don't like crowds. I'm very shy. Um I'm used to the quiet, so I don't I don't like loud noises either. And um my social meter will run out in like 10 minutes unless I'm comfortable. And then sometimes I won't stop talking. But honestly, it's not like I'm just a super boring and lame person that like hates people. I love people, but just more so from a distance. And I'm very, very protective of my energy. So I know you guys at that know me seem to be like, well, you seem fun, like you're a people person. I I'm fun on my own, but I'm too busy worried about you know who I can and can't trust when I'm in a a public setting. I just don't trust people enough to be myself. Because when you're being yourself, you have to like it's like it's vulnerability, you know. You have to like really let go of of the worries and concerns of what other people might do to hurt you and stuff like that. So yeah, that I I'd say that's what it is. I'm just I'm very cautious of who I let in my space. Um back to my parents though. My parents were really flashy, they are pretty flashy, um pretty materialistic. Um, I like nice things, but I'm more of a humble soul, so the most expensive things I'd wear would probably be like my shoes or something. And I'd be like, you know, it's little stuff. Um, I'm very weird with money. Um I'll get scared if someone thinks they can buy my forgiveness. My parents have been both uh I'd say they played a part in that. Definitely. Yeah, definitely. My parents have both said and done some unintentional and intentionally d hurtful things that, you know, what would you know put me in a weird space and they would rarely ever apologize for it. It was just like, okay, here's a new outfit, here's a hundred dollars, let's go out to dinner. And I remember the first time my my ex have verbally abused me. I never had anyone talk to me that way or scream at me or or scare me like that. And the next day he had sent me money as an apology, and it was deja vu. He did the same thing my parents would do. Do something that hurts me, buy me something, and then repeat it. And I don't understand that. Just say you're sorry and mean it and don't do it again. I would appreciate that more than a gift. That's not how I operate, even if I am thankful, I thrive off of words of love and actions that follow. I am a person that will take a hug and a genuine conversation over an expensive bag or something. It's just I don't know why. I just I don't know, I just I'm not a materialistic person. That doesn't mean I don't like nice things. I know what I deserve and all of that, but I just I'm an emotional person. I I love hugs and and and long conversations. That's my love language. And you know, um, a lot of the time after not receiving what we needed emotionally and mentally from our parents, we try and find it in someone else. And sometimes we don't even realize that's what we're doing. At this point, I am totally aware that I look for parental qualities in whoever has my interest. I think I have only ever liked authoritative men because I never knew one growing up. And as far as raising me and teaching me valuable lessons, my father left everything up to my grandma and my mom. I haven't really learned anything from him except like keep some money in your pocket and don't get a boyfriend because you'll get pregnant, just get a girlfriend. Thanks, Tad. That's great advice, thank you. As we as we as we grow older, we have a lot of things that need to be fulfilled through every stage in our life, and I think a lot of us need it food for thought from our fathers, especially as women. In my opinion, I believe that there are lessons that only fathers can teach well, and there are lessons that only mothers can teach well, two different perspectives and two different natures: the mind of a woman and the mind of a man. With the guys I've dated, they didn't have the best relationships with their mom, but they were super close to their sisters and had close girlfriends, so that would make me happy, but because I feel like that's necessary. Every man needs healthy feminine energy in their life. They need a bond with a woman that is not intimate to keep them sane. Does that make sense? They need a bond with a woman that is not intimate to keep them sane because. you can you can have a woman like your lady and not be like your but you need other people you can't just have your girlfriend and depend on her for everything that is feminine you know you need other opinions um yeah you need you need a woman or two opinion you know not just one girl and that that's your girlfriend you need girlfriends just like a a woman well I don't know it's kind of different for a woman it's really hard for girls to have guy friends unless you know you find someone that isn't always on that type of timing you know and and not woman that will kiss your butt well guys but women that give their honest opinion and know what's going on all of all of my brothers are younger than me and you know a lot of men think the same so it's really hard to receive good and mature advice besides my uncle I I didn't have that life where I like a boy and this and that and my dad tells me what's up. I wish I could have known from my father's perspective and what he would or wouldn't have agreed with if I was actually tripping about stuff or would he be mad about that same thing too. I wish I could have known from my father's perspective if I should have cursed someone out or slashed their tires or both. The options may have been endless. I will never know but I just I just really think even though us taking advice from our moms when dealing with people and situations nothing can come out the same way it would from a dad. Like a father can educate his son on how he thinks a woman should be treated but a mother can really educate her son on how she knows a woman should be treated and vice versa a lot of us don't have that balance which is why I was saying a lot of us have an imbalance of feminine and masculine energy in our lives there's a lot of missed memories and a lot of our households a lot of the time I wish I got to experience little things like I wish my dad was in New York with my mom to meet my first boyfriend to scare him a little I don't know if that's toxic or not but I I wish I had the strict dad effect because it lets you know that they care not in an abusive way where you can't do this, you can't do that, but like this is my baby. I am her protector if you hurt her we're gonna have a problem and I never had that for my father so since I didn't have that from my dad I look for that in a man and it's so sad because it's like your man is not your father but at the same time it's just like desperation like I want to feel that you know and if I don't get that from my man I will never know what it feels like to be protected by a man in this lifetime. And that's so sad. But it made me think too you know the innocence and understanding of our first encounters of love are not always meant to be romantic. That's why we end up even more hurt expecting our partners to totally fix us when they need more fixing maybe than you do. People can love you properly as a friend and terribly as a partner and sometimes people have good examples and and choose to do wrong by people. Some people even go through paths in life that have nothing to do with their parents or anybody really it's just them being them or just making their own decisions. Our parents sometimes are not to blame if they've done right by us but yeah our first love should naturally be our parents we've got so much to learn from them and their experiences they are our first teachers they are our first songs they are our first movies and shows and as life moves on and we experience new people they become our teachers but it's up to us to decide what path we want to give ourselves you know it's our lives um yeah but it's it's not our fault if our parents aren't capable or just don't want to teach us anything. And I had to understand for me when going through the healing process and still going through the healing process with my parents is knowing that no one is perfect plans plain and simple and it doesn't make the things they've done right. It doesn't really make your anger go away either but they are only human and being a parent doesn't automatically give you all the answers nor does it make you the best person in the world we look up to our parents expecting them to be know it-alls when in reality our parents don't even be knowing half of what we know sometimes different generations and and different times basically to sum it up when when trying to put pieces together I realize it really is just a generational thing like not only do I carry the pain of my father being absent I carry his pain of his father being absent I carry my mother's pain of her father being absent and her mother not always being there for her and it may just be the same thing for people I've dated. We try and get someone to occupy that empty space within our hearts a lot of us are hurt by the way our parents operate we are constantly bettering ourselves throughout each generation throughout each encounter with people and what sucks most about the wrongdoings of our parents and lovers is that we are responsible for the pain that they caused us. It is our responsibility to heal and correct for the next generation so that they don't have to carry it and I think that it's also a part of our task here on earth like you're going to keep on coming back as a different person until someone along the line figures it out just like a man or a woman is going to keep coming back into your life but as a different person until you figure it out I hope you guys get what I'm trying to say. Being me being set apart from the rest has been a big help in ridding some generational curses and bad habits but my lesson for myself is growing in confidence and being sure of myself and once I'm sure of myself I can't back down from it. Having the idea in your head that if you think your parents or parent don't want you why would anyone else and even if it's not true that doesn't mean it's not ever a thought and this goes back to the conversation with my best friend that I was talking about earlier about the men I attract I'm very empathetic and sometimes vulnerable well a lot of the times I'm vulnerable empathy and vulnerability attracts narcissist a sheltered childhood will attract people with the urge to corrupt you and your innocence an absent parent gives someone else the opportunity to prove you right or wrong about your opinion of people when you're super loving and compassionate and forgiving and childlike you're more prone to attract someone that will like eat all of that up so yeah let's go back to the beginning when I talked about attraction and how we attract what we need to heal from having low self-esteem and being an experienced an experienced woman in a lot of ways attracts narcissists. Narcissists love the idea of being adored and fawned over and pathetics love the idea of adoring people and fawning over them. Narcissists are very good at manipulating their lovers until they know you've fallen for them and they switch. For me it was like you know you can watch sports your whole life and think because you've watched it you know how to play but getting in the game and thinking you know everything is a whole different story. I was thinking since I chose to stay away from dating until I was practically a full grown adult that I had it figured out like I know what I'm doing I'm not hurt by anything or anyone this is going to be great I'm not thinking someone's gonna hurt me or I have childhood trauma I was super naive too like why would someone want to hurt me I'm a great person and that's and that's what it is that manipulation versus vulnerability a visual representation of that would be like mosquitoes on a light in the summer basically your light attracts certain things but to be so inexperienced and not knowing the power that love is it knocked me down so bad. I learned a lot though so it's okay even if I chose people that weren't the best for me you really have to be headstrong and watch out for every little detail because people always tell on themselves if you wait on them to and before I get back on topic before I forget um I have to say that being in love or liking someone that loves playing mind games is the worst and hardest thing ever especially trying to get away from them whether it be from them bothering you or the feelings you still have for them bothering you and having attachment issues makes it even worse. Once you're in love with someone you can't stop loving them and if you can stop loving them that you were never in love to begin with you try and see them through it but it's not worth it. I'm gonna tell you guys something that I won't let go of because I was told that if I continue to be so stubborn and saying no to everything and everybody that I won't ever have a love in my life and that's not true at all keep your standards high. You need to be firm and and grounded in who you are and what you will and won't tolerate or someone will constantly try and compromise your beliefs and if they decide and I'm not just talking to woman I'm talking to everyone if someone decides that they don't want to deal with you because you tell them no in any situation no matter what situation it is let them leave you ASAP no matter what it's about people feel like people leaving you or ghosting you is because of something you did wrong there is nothing wrong with standing up for yourself. Love is not about control or persuasion love is freedom and acceptance and respect. And if there's no love involved at all then what are you doing? What are you doing? Choosing your flesh over your spirit is not worth it because your spirit and God himself will tell you when the time is right. Your intuition is your angel anxiety screams and God whispers with peace and calmness if it doesn't work there's no use enforcing it no matter how much you like or think you like someone now when when I went through that was a good that was a good word when when I went through my depression from my breakup and then other another form oh who was I I don't know I don't know what to call it. I would just say someone I dated for a a super short time I was I was so confused and upset. I was just like okay what are my weak spots because how did I even get in this position where I feel like I'm not who I am what were my weak spots? I had to check off some things like what grabbed my attention because I treat and view everybody the same no matter if I'm interested in them or not I stay firm in who I am I have my off days of course but every day I know that I'm timey A. I was like okay yeah what what were what was what was wrong with me? Like why was I how did they get me? Not what was wrong with me but how did they get me? I was like okay the calling and checking on me every single day that got me in between errands and and making me feel like I was a priority like I was special you know it's saying that it's a saying that people make time for the things they want giving me their time without me having to act is like green flag that's a green like go go for it wanting me to have their time no matter how busy everything was in their life wanting to know what I was up to giving me genuine vibes a love for the same things music and movies I love music and movies that is my heart being curious about what I've been through and why I am the way that I am talking to me until the sun come up for or comes up for for hours about my feelings and actually listening to me you think my parents gave me that what were my weak spots consistency why because I had inconsistent parents what were my weak spots feeling like a priority why because I didn't feel seen growing up what were my weak spots my love languages being fulfilled and not having to ask for it not having to tell someone how to treat me and and just like it makes me feel like well you know no one ever wants to feel stupid for for being free in who they are and allowing things to just go however. Um not everyone though is looking for ways to hurt you just as everyone isn't looking for ways to love you. Some people will use sweet moments as an advantage to see your vulnerability on a clear display. Some people will form some kind of trauma bond with you when they're aware of your hurt but it's not always to relate and and build a friendship or stable relationship off of that they'll use it against you. Some people will and and for the men that go through that I hate that. I hate that there's so many men out there that are pure hearted and they get treated like that. The minute they feel like they can talk to someone is the first thing to get brought up in an argument. I have so much love and respect for the woman that never throw men's trauma in their face after opening up to them. And I have so much love and respect for the men that not only talk about how well they treat women but actually do it. Men that treat a woman a certain way and never stop that, one of the foulest things anyone can do is be inconsistent with someone's heart. I think it's very important for us to take note of what our weak spots are. Once you know that someone can use your hurt against you you can use that experience to help in your healing you can only be a victim for so long. People are going to hurt you but you don't want to give someone that much power it's okay to talk about things though that's one of my fears I keep my mouth shut about a lot of things and I'm just like well I can get over it without talking about it but sometimes you need to talk about it. Um everything has a way of coming back full circle and most of the time the people that hurt you have been hurt just like that the way they did you doing the same thing that has been done to them. It's a cycle that some people adapt to we are all the same person and a different person at the same time some of us are better versions of ourselves and some of us are terrible versions of ourselves someone gave them that mindset and now they're giving it to you you've got to work hard in healing and letting things breathe I feel like I'm talking to myself basically I'm I'm basically talking to myself shutting down shutting down is not healing I was about to do that you don't want to shut down I know it's a defense mechanism and I get like that that's how we get when we get hurt. You don't want to go through that again so it's like I I don't want to love again I won't show who I am anymore I'm gonna I'm gonna change I'm not gonna be so nice and so sweet. That is the devil's game to make everyone as emotionless and and and empty as possible the best thing for us to do is to continue being ourselves but with caution the situation is never that we shouldn't be us the situation is that that person didn't deserve us and that's just that and it is it's so sad that I even feel that way because I only dated like two people and I don't it's like that sometimes I maybe it doesn't depend or it doesn't matter how many people you've dated because anybody can hurt you good enough one time you're just over it. And you know what it really sucks because once we find our person we're not even the person we were when we were looking for them. The journey of finding that person your person is rough I know it is and it's gonna be even rougher sometimes someone else got that love that we wanted them to have but everything happens for a reason I guess why I don't know but staying a nice and happy person is winning why would you want to give someone that much power to allow you to never love again why would you hurt someone else by being just as emotionless as the person that hurt you you're gonna start a cycle and create a generational curse that didn't even come from your family you started it everyone everyone needs love. Some people just need the love of God to make them over before they can love another human again not just therapy. People need an encounter being traumatized by someone that you openly loved and trusted is something we don't deserve but something we all have to go through. I'm sorry I'm kind of getting off topic I'm trying to I'm trying to I there's so much to talk about within this uh this topic though I just know that we can't erase anything that has happened to us all we can do is take our experiences and do the best we can for ourselves and the next generation it's it's a process to say the most but I have faith in us I love that we have so much access to mental health and knowledge answers are are honestly around us like wind we have a very very uh very uh I don't know the word I'm trying to look for we have a very unique generation I'll say that um I encourage everyone to take care of your hearts and minds just as well as you take care of your body and don't allow hate to control your forgiveness your parents probably had or are having a more difficult time than you are whoever you dated and it ended bad with they're probably having a more difficult time than you could ever imagine I say allow time to do its thing be gentle with yourself and pay attention to how you're treating yourself. If you have to talk to your parents in order to heal make sure you do that. Long story short a very very long story short um our parents and our lovers are just people but it it heavily reflects sometimes within our romantic relationships it heavily reflects the relationships we have with our parents I say allow time to do its thing be gentle with yourself and pay attention to how you're treating yourself and what you allow and I'm gonna end the podcast there. I think this is the first good episode. I wanted to start somewhere and I did uh I didn't want to wait for everything to be perfect I'm just like if I have an idea why don't I just start it so I hope this is a good first topic to discuss. Um I wish all of us healing and hopefully we can all mend the relationships with our parents and and you know heal from our lovers and our past lovers hurting us or current or whatever. Um I uh eventually as as we build through our 20s we're gonna have guests and make it a visual podcast and all that but this is only the beginning I'm out and you guys will hear from me on the 29th I love you guys so much and thank you for listening