Dirty Shoes, Fupa Jeans, And Why Your Do-Rag Isn’t A Crime with Rita

What happens when sharp style meets sharper self-awareness? We sit down with Rita—EMT by training, quality officer in detox care, and a fearless fashion mind—to explore how identity, community, and emotional intelligence reshape the way we love. Her story cuts through the noise: surviving a back injury, pivoting to teach EMS, leading with compassion in inpatient detox, and stepping into a new era of personal style after major weight loss. The throughline is agency—owning what you wear, how you speak, and who you keep close.

We start with the fun stuff: fashion that respects the body you have, why clean shoes matter more than brand, and how the Chicana aesthetic traveled from East LA through the West Coast into mainstream culture. Rita connects the dots on dark lip liner, representation gaps in beauty, and why crediting the origin isn’t gatekeeping—it’s integrity. She’s building community the old-school way: free styling for friends, boosting small brands, and saying no to clout-chasing because relationships outlast trends.

Then we get real about relationships. Keeping score with dinners and chores often masks something deeper: the ache to feel seen, heard, and valued. Rita lays out a practical playbook—use I statements, choose partners who can tolerate hard truths, and decide together how you’ll handle conflict before it blows up. We talk grace for “human days,” the cost of being the fix-it friend, and the power of boundaries when people are committed to misunderstanding you. Age gaps don’t have to be barriers if you translate each other’s language with patience. And when love can’t be shared up close, caring from a distance can still be honest and whole—proof that soulmates can show up across friends, partners, and community.

Come for the style, stay for the skills: emotional intelligence, conflict resolution, cultural respect, and the courage to choose yourself without losing your capacity to love. If this conversation moved you, follow, share, and leave a review so more listeners can find the tools and stories they need.

• balancing EMT roots with quality leadership in detox care
• fashion as access after weight loss and why fit matters
• supporting small brands and offering free styling
• cultural origins of Chicana aesthetics and giving credit
• fashion icks for men and women with simple fixes
• keeping score reframed as not feeling valued
• using I statements to reduce defensiveness
• planning conflict resolution styles together
• boundaries with fix-it roles and ending one-sided ties
• bridging age gaps with clarity and patience
• loving from afar and accepting multiple soulmates

Find me on IG/TikTok: Rita_CCE or Rude Girl Dino
Justice for Goose: search hashtag JusticeForGoose
“KO Studios, thank you for the lovely home. Rappy Bae, thank you for the lovely beats, man.”

Transcript

Meet Rita: Fashion, EMS, Community

SPEAKER_01 0:04

54321. Welcome back to another episode of the Relationship Method Podcast. It's your boy Chris. Today I got a lovely guest coming from the Pacific Northwest, Tacoma, Washington. If y'all freaky boys and girls want to know. She's a fashionista. I just found out that she was a blogger. Man, hell yeah. I got Rita on my motherfucking shit. Hello, Rita. How are you today? I'm doing good. I'm doing good. Hello. Doing good, doing good. And um, see, uh, before we get going, uh Rita, um, how did I get the yes from you to come on, you know, this little podcast?

SPEAKER_00 0:50

Little podcast. Listen, so um, when I when I saw the reach out and I went to your page and I saw kind of what it was about, right? It's it's about lots of different kinds of relationships, right? Like interpersonal relationships, work relationships, friendships, all of that. And I'm all about that. Um, one of my biggest things that I'm striving for and that I've always strived for is community, right? And to have community, you have to know how to navigate all these different interpersonal relationships. And so when I saw that, that that's kind of like what you cover and you talk about, I was like, yes, immediate yes. So that's why.

From EMT To Detox Quality Officer

SPEAKER_01 1:25

Well, Rita, thank you for coming on my my uh my little shindig. I'm happy to. Hell yeah. And uh, Miss Rita, what do you do on the outside world? Or what what is that like, do I need a right uh sign an NDA or anything for that?

SPEAKER_00 1:42

No, no, so I'm I'm kind of a two-parter. Um, my part-time stuff that I like to do is EMS. My background is emergency medicine. Um about nine years into that field, just about. Um, will be medically retiring though, because I I threw out my back and I threw out my back pretty bad, but it's still something that I love. So I am gonna look at teaching it part-time. Um, but my full-time job is a quality officer for an inpatient detox facilities based out of uh Central California. Um and so what that is is essentially I'm making sure that the policies, the procedures, the trainings that we have to take care of medically detoxing um patients is meeting the standard um and that it's understood by the staff and um essentially that we're we're meeting our care standard um for those patients. So that's my full-time job.

SPEAKER_01 2:36

Wow. She's educated. Something like that, something like that. Oh my, just a little bit, just a little, you know, I'm an EMT, man. Um some light, some light. Quality control, not big, none big. Light work. Light work. Oh, and then um, I scroll through your page and stuff, and also like uh you do con you do uh content create, and also like to me, in my eyes, you're you're some sort of like a fashion diva or like a fashionist, you know what I'm saying? So like fashionista, there you go. Yeah, yes. Um, how did you get into that?

Style Evolution After Major Weight Loss

SPEAKER_00 3:10

So that is something that I've always actually loved. It's always been a passion of mine. Um, fashion outfits. I mean, things from hair to the nails, tying it all together. Um, the thing is, is that I used to be much bigger. I used to be about 155 pounds bigger than I am right now. And so I was never able to dress the way that I wanted to dress because they simply didn't make stuff in my size. Or if they did make it in my size, it was cut horribly and it just right, it just wasn't gonna lay the way that it should. So now that I am smaller and I can fit more of these styles, I've always had the eye for it. Um, but I just could never put it together on my own body before. Now I can. And so that's what people are seeing now. People are like, oh, this is like new. I've never seen you dress like this. Well, you never saw me dress like this because I couldn't find that stuff to fit my body. I've always had the eye to be able to put that stuff together. Um, and so that's what everybody's seeing now, essentially. It's just a passion, a fun thing that I've always liked to do that now I can actually do it.

SPEAKER_01 4:10

Girl, I I love your style. Um, are you has anyone approached you in like say being their, I guess, fashion coach or hired you to be, hey, dress me up, please.

Free Styling: Helping Friends And Small Brands

SPEAKER_00 4:22

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, it's actually, I want to say in the last like four months, I've had about eight, I would say eight to ten people reach out and be like, hey, I've got this type of event going on. Could you, can you give me some, like put together some outfit ideas that I can choose from? And I'm like, yeah. Um, and right now, especially just because this is a hobby of mine, it's not something that I'm like, oh, I'm gonna charge you for it. Um, the way that my mind works is like I need to hone in on that skill and and and like and like really get good at it to where I could be like, okay, I feel comfortable charging. I don't feel comfortable charging right now because I'm just sharing my my my fun that I like to do right now. But if it helps other people, then I like to help other people. And so that's kind of where I'm at right now with that.

SPEAKER_01 5:08

Also, with uh you're with like the networking part of it right now. Yeah, just put in your name out there. Yep. Girl, I'm I'm in the same like predicament because uh, you know, people reach out and they're like, Oh, how much you charge? I'm like, uh, can I get a Big Mac? Or, you know, is it gonna be food involved? Because he he can feed me my food. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, or exactly and then um like I have a lot of friends uh on the mainland back home that that are starting their businesses, like my friends and then their kids. So I always post like a like a shout out to them. Yeah. And uh like for free, like no charge or anything. Because like I'm all about like helping the homies out and stuff, and even the locals out here, I'd be like, oh man, this is good, this and the third. Like, I'm not trying to get clout or anything, like I'm not trying to put my name on their page. I just um I'm starting to like this whole content creating thing because prior to content creating, I'm I'm just uh I'm just doing this. I'm just doing this podcast thing, right? Yeah, but then people start reaching out, and I'm just like, oh my god, it's like a whirlwind of can you do this, can you do that? Yeah. Me, I'm just like, dang, me, um, okay, like sure.

SPEAKER_00 6:16

Like, I guess, yeah, yeah. It's it's it's a new it's a new type of type of feeling. I I've I've had brands reach out, smaller, smaller clothing brands that reach out, like, hey, if we pay you, would you do this? I'm like, you ain't gotta pay me. Number one, you're a smaller brand, too. We're both in the networking phase. If if this doesn't have to be a cost, right? Like, I'm not over here hurting for money, right? So, like, you're a smaller brand, I'm I'm smaller, like we're both just trying to get our name out there. I'll do it for free. Like, you don't have to, you don't need to worry about paying me. And I feel like that's probably the type of mindset I'll stay in for a while, especially when it comes to smaller or newer people trying to get their name out there, because there's only enough hurdles for us, anyways. And like I said, I'm very big on community, and so if I can create that community foundation between all of us, um, it's only gonna it's only gonna be able to amp us all up. You know what I mean? So it's a win-win in my eyes.

Fashion Icks: Dirty Shoes And Too-Tight Pants

SPEAKER_01 7:09

Definitely, girl. Yes, preach. Preach on that. So um, you're fa fashionista. What's a um as a guy, what's a fashion no no? Can I can I get a fashion no no? Or like what irks you, you know, what guys wear? What irks, like what gives you the uh, what gives you the ill?

SPEAKER_00 7:30

Dirty shoes. Dirty shoes. Okay, dirty shoes, okay. Dirty shoes, like creased up, like super creased up. Like if we're I don't care if like if you're doing like yard work or something like that, cool. I I don't care, but like if we're stepping out and you step out with some creased up, dirty shoes, I'm just gonna be like no well what if what if there's like a a scuff or two? No, that's fine. Is there a difference between like a scuff or two, right? Like, oh shit, I just got out the car and like I accidentally just hit my shit and it got scuffed, versus it looking like you just like plowed some fields in those bad boys for like eight centuries and you just showed up to the day.

SPEAKER_01 8:12

There's a difference. Okay, no, there is, there is. Uh I'm not gonna lie to you. I've I've been seeing a lot of junkie uh Air Force Ones super creased up lately. Yes. And I'm just like, oh, okay. And then Yeah. Well, on the island, I mean a lot of people they just wear the slides, you know what I'm saying, and the flip-flops and the slippers and shit. Yeah. Um I just can't I just walk around wearing like the uh the crocs, you know? Yes, it's um do crocs bother you? Because I know there's a lot of people out there, they they're like, oh, crocs, like why can't you just put on some like tennis shoes or whatever? Crocs don't bother you at all.

SPEAKER_00 8:49

No, that I don't judge like what type of shoe people wear. I don't care if it's slides, crocs, air force ones, whatever. Just take care of them. Like, take care of your feet. Um and and the and the things that you put inside of them. You know what I mean?

SPEAKER_01 9:03

Uh yeah, females, y'all need to take care of your toes too. Actual factors, yes. Well, yeah, y'all become with the crusties and shit. Y'all can't have like the handy toes, like the velociraptors and shit. Yeah, y'all can't have that shit happening. You know.

SPEAKER_00 9:20

It's true, though, it's true.

SPEAKER_01 9:22

Uh so how about for a woman? What's a what's uh what's a no-no for a woman? Uh like fashion ick? Yeah, fashion, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 9:30

For me personally, it's wearing pants that are too small. So, you know, when they like it'll cut in and make other stuff pop out, like it just it it doesn't make the body flow nice. It just makes me be and I know why they do it. They wear the pants too tight because it makes their butt look good, but now it's thrown off your entire stomach and back, like you got a third back happening because the pants are too tight. Like, yeah, that's an ick for me for females. Like I get it, the butt looks good, but now it just throws the list of everything else.

SPEAKER_01 10:02

So that's it the um is it the okay you know what it is. I don't want to say it, but okay, I'm gonna say it. So is it the um is it the um is it the muffin or is it the is it the fupa?

Chicana Aesthetics, Origins, And Credit

SPEAKER_00 10:17

The fupa, I think the fupa, if you have a fupa, it's gonna show regardless, which fupas I don't I don't care about. Yeah, it's it's about like you you indent your natural body shape because you're trying to get make your butt look good, so your the pants are too small and now they are throwing off your your natural body shape. That's the way I'll put it. That's the way I'll put it. Okay, okay, okay.

SPEAKER_01 10:38

So um how about because um on the island there's a lot of uh there's a lot of women going for, I guess, the the Hispanic chicana look. Yeah. Is that is that getting big out there in um in Washington as well?

SPEAKER_00 10:54

Yeah, it's a whole West Coast thing, because that right, it's West Coast over here from LA, right? It's origination, especially in in uh East LA, right? Like that's it's kind of carried itself all the way up the West Coast and over to New York. It's everywhere now because it's in social media made it in.

SPEAKER_01 11:14

Um okay, okay.

SPEAKER_00 11:16

They did. Social media very much made it in, which is kind of frustrating in in one aspect of it because something that was so original to one part of the country, I guess in that respect, you have a lot of people that have no roots or not like nothing related to that, kind of adopting it. Which I get it. Fashion, that's what fashion is. That's what trends, yeah, trends are. Um, and I think there's a lot of different trends that we use from other cultures pretty often. Um, I think with that one, the frustrating part of it is that people were acting like it didn't come from where it came from. Um even when it comes to dark liner on the lips, like dark liner on the lips happened because darker melanated women makeup was not making um colors to match or for us to use darker melanated women to use. Um, so darker melanated women had to use eyeliner for their lip liner, right? And then that got adopted by the Latinas in in LA. So it's all like everything is adopted for different reasons.

SPEAKER_02 12:25

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 12:25

I think it's just important to pay homage to why it why it's around. Um, because it's gonna get used and picked up. That's just how society and human beings worked. I think it just I think it just ties into like, let's just make sure we recognize where that came from and why it's here, you know?

East Coast Fits, Do-Rags, And Respect

SPEAKER_01 12:43

Facts, girl. While I was growing up, um uh females and and guys too, they dressed like that, like on a regular basis. Yeah. And then uh, I guess once I got out of I'm gonna say mid-college, that's when it started dying down, right? Yeah, but then now it's just it's moving up. I'm like, holy fuck, where did this? And then my wife, she's you know, she's part Hispanic too. Yeah. And she's like, man, I remember wearing this shit back when I was like in, you know, middle school and elementary. I was like, god damn, for real? It's like, yeah. I was like, well, I remember that shit too, you know, because a lot of my friends, you know, they were the Dickies, you know, uh what's it called? Um something robins? Uh not the Dickies, but the man, whatever. But uh, you know, they I used to wear like the long belt to the long colored belt. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I had my initials, you know what I'm saying? So I mean, yeah, I mean, I I guess could you say it's like it's it's rooted California Cali, right?

SPEAKER_00 13:42

It's rooted in Cali, yeah. This way that we're seeing, yeah, it's rooted in Cali. Um okay. For sure. It's just um, you know, I I feel like the West Coast in general, from Cali all the way up to Washington. So many Californians have moved out of California into Oregon, into Washington, that I think it's just a byproduct that it it's always gonna kind of feel like Cali all up and down the West Coast. And I know a lot of Cali people get irritated that, like, oh, Seattle's biting off of Cali, like Oregon's biting off of Cali. Well, yeah, look how many California transplants have been coming up into these states over the last like 30 years. Of course. Like, y'all might as well just accept that California has just navigated further north because that's what it is. There's I can throw a stone and hit somebody up in Washington who's from who's from Cali. Like, you know what I mean? Oh my god.

SPEAKER_01 14:36

You're so right. Because I remember living in Washington, and then I would uh we would go downtown, right? Yeah, and then there's a place in downtown where um it just resembled like the uh like the Frisco Hate Street vibe. Yeah. Because they had like the urban shoes, they had the urban wear and everything. I was like, man, this shit reminds me of Frisco. And my wife was like, yeah, doesn't it? I was like, hell the fuck, yeah. So like I've never, I don't know, for me, I've never said anything negative about uh Washington because I had family from Cali that moved up there too. Yeah, and um, yeah, I was just like, the only thing that's different is it's just cloudier, but it's it just resembles San Francisco, you know?

SPEAKER_00 15:17

Exactly. You find a San Francisco, and to me, it's like Seattle. I was like, oh, this is Seattle, like it's just a a bigger Seattle, like that's it. So exactly. Because in the comments on social media, especially like on any Seattle pages, like, oh, you guys are biters of Cali. I'm like, y'all, y'all have been coming up here. Like, if you don't think that all the Cali the millions of Californians that have moved to Oregon and Washington didn't bring bring that up here, like we didn't just get that out of nowhere, right? Like, y'all are here, you're living here.

Keeping Score Vs Feeling Valued

SPEAKER_01 15:47

Girl, you ain't lying. So we're still um we're gonna stick on fashion. So back in high school, I um I used to be like into the East Coast music a lot, right? And I kind of sort of dressed like you know, Method Man and Red Man with, you know, with the Tim's, the goggles, the A's, you know what I'm saying? Yeah. So with the East Coast motherfuckers, would they get mad at you know, me and my little friends, I guess the Filipinos and the Asians, right? Because we were dressing like that. Uh would they get mad at us for like wearing what they were wearing?

SPEAKER_00 16:21

I don't I've never, you know what? When I'm out and about, I get a lot of um comments asking me, oh, are you from New York? Are you from the East Coast? I'm like, no, I'm I'm not actually. But it's always followed by a compliment. Like it's never nobody hating, because I I don't know if it's the way I carry myself or what it is, but uh a lot is like, oh, are you from New York? I'm like, nah. And it's always followed by a compliment. I really just think that if you're carrying yourself in a way that you're not trying to be a poser, you're just being yourself. And no matter how you're dressing, I think it's always going to be appreciated. You know what I mean? It's it's um, I I really can't think of a time where somebody was like, oh, why are you rocking it like that if you went from that? Like that's never happened to me. It's always been like, oh, I'm wearing this because I like it, but I'm also carrying myself in a way that I'm you know, I'm just being myself. I'm not acting like somebody that I'm not, you know. So I think people can pick up on that. People can you know that energy when somebody's somebody's trying to pose as something that they're not, we can feel that. And so I think that that's that's really as long as you're being yourself. I I really don't see people going out of their way to be like be hateful. I mean on social media they will be because they're behind a keyboard, but in real life, yeah, right.

SPEAKER_01 17:31

Fuck they in the bait, they're in the mama's basement with freaking cookie crumbs on their belly and then they just typing away.

SPEAKER_02 17:37

Yeah, but I remember when I got oh no, go ahead.

I Statements And Emotional Intelligence

SPEAKER_01 17:42

Oh, definitely. Oh, um, I remember when I got on the island, and I'm you know, I'm a Cali boy. Um the first time I rocked the do-rag out here and you know, on the island, they're like, you know, the fuck. I'm like, are you black? And I'm like, no, I'm not. But it was a wave check, and I was like, yeah, check, but check me out though. My show is pretty fresh. No, but it was the f I think it was like one of the first times that they saw like a brown guy wearing a do-rag out here. And I was like, oh dude, like I'm not, you know, no way shape or form, I'm trying to disrespect, you know, like the black culture or anything, but I mean, I was taught back in Cali, you know, when I got my cut. You know what I'm saying? Like, I was taught you gotta keep it doing it. And then, yeah, so I'm yeah. I just people just misconstrue like if I'm trying to take their fashion or not. I'm just like, dog, it ain't even that deep. You feel me? Like, I give credit when credit's due. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 18:36

Absolutely. You like all always give credit where credit's due, but I feel like a lot of those people are very telling about themselves and the type of outlook that they have on life, right? Like somebody who immediately jumps to to being offend offended by the way that I do my hair or the way that I dress or whatever that looks like, um, why are you so eager to be offended? Right? Like, oh my God, oh my yeah, you're excited to be offended. That's wild to me. Because have a conversation with me first to determine, right? And even then, if you even then to determine, but like get to know me first before you want to try to jump down my neck about what you see without understanding the why behind it, right? Like, you don't know where I was raised, you don't know who I came up around, like you don't know none of that. You but you're so eager to be offended, and that's wild to me because there's no way that your life is good with that outlook, with that mentality of always looking to be offended or upset by something like that's wild.

SPEAKER_01 19:31

Girl, that is so true because okay, I'm gonna go back in the day. Back in the day, I had long hair, yeah, and I had cornrows and I had boxes and everything, and I was accepted, you know, with everyone. You know what I'm saying? Mexicans, blacks, whites, like it was just like, dang, all right, you pulled it off, right? Yeah. So when I come on the island and like I had waves and everything, they're like, Who the like, how the fuck did you do that? Or like, oh, who is this motherfucker, right? Just like because they see me brushing all the time.

unknown 20:02

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 20:02

I'm just like, dog. It's like, you see it, man. You see it. Like, oh, what is that? I'm like, dog, it's come on, dog. You know what it is. Like, you know what it is. Yeah, it's yeah, it's it's it's just different. Cause yeah, it's just a social norm. Like, I'm still getting used to Hawaii and everything. And um, yeah, I do, I do miss the mainland. I guess it was I guess this was like a mainland event or rant or some shit. But yeah. Pretty much, pretty much. Alright, Rita, we're gonna get to these questions. We're gonna get to these questions. Okay, okay. Alright, so the first one, right? And these are coming from um you know listeners and followers and shit. So, you know, you did get some cues. Um, are you guilty of keeping score in a relationship?

SPEAKER_00 20:47

I guess I would have to ask in what in what way do you mean keeping score?

Human Moments, Hormones, And Grace

SPEAKER_01 20:52

Shit, okay, I can do it too. I'll break it down. So me and my wife, I keep score all the fucking time. I'm like, you know what? I paid for like the last five dinners. I I think it's your fucking turn. Or or you know, or you know what? I kind of cleaned the toilet the last three times. I mean, you haven't done shit yet. Like that type of stuff, or you know, or even when it comes to like the bills, or like say, you know, in the relationship, how uh uh majority and I don't want to be sexist, but majority of the time the man, you know, pays for the shit, right? So it's like keeping score means hey, I bought dinner last time. Is it cool if you know you can? Yeah, so have do you keep score or have you ever?

Boundaries, Misunderstanding, And Letting Go

SPEAKER_00 21:42

So I I think everybody keeps score to an extent, right? Um, that's how we're able to tell if we are in a relationship that is balanced, right? We do that whether that's with who you're in a romantic relationship, a friendship, your work relationship, right? Hey, I'm doing all of this, I'm not really seeing anything given back. I'm I'm having a problem here. There's an imbalance occurring, right? So I think everybody does it to an extent. I think it's how we go about doing it that is gonna determine whether this is productive or harmful. Because if if it's if we're doing it in a sense of like we're keeping tally and like there's a scoreboard of like, okay, well, I did this, this, and this, and you've only done it once or you've never done it back, um, and you're resentful about it, then now you guys are pitted against each other, right? It's it's a keeping score thing versus um being a bit more productive and not so attacky and resentful. So, like it can be, hey, I've noticed that I keep showing up in this relationship in this way, and I don't really see that being reciprocated by you. So I'm feeling not seen, I'm feeling not heard, I'm feeling not valued, right? I think when you approach it that way, um, it's a lot more productive because then the other person can be like, oh shit, I didn't even realize that you don't feel seen, heard, or valued. Because if we boil it down to like what keeping score actually is, it's because we don't feel seen, heard, or valued, right? But that's what that's the whole reason why you're bringing up I've done X, Y, and Z and you're not doing anything, or I don't see you doing this, we don't feel valued, we don't feel appreciated, right? And so yeah, it's not wrong to bring that up in a relationship or in a personal relationship. I think it's just how you go about it, right? Like if you're gonna, if you're bringing it up like you never do this and I always do this, um, and you're pissed off and you're talking down to them while you're doing it, then now you've become two teams against each other. Versus if I'm bringing it up in the other way, it's like, hey, I'm not feeling seen, heard, or valued. I want to understand why. I want to understand if this is on purpose. And depending on what the answer is, then you know how to navigate the relationship. Because for me, I never forget, right? And that's just me. I never forget. And that's that that comes from watching many women in my family and friends have a history of traumatic abuse done to them, um, traumatic abuse done to me and in my life. And so me just forgetting or deciding not to bring it up again when I notice a harmful pattern happening, it's not happening. If I start to see a harmful pattern start to happen, I am gonna bring it up and I am gonna talk about it. And so that might look like a keeping score thing, but it's really like a no, I've showed up for you like this because this is my love language, and I and I'm not getting anything back, and my cup, my cup is empty. That's how I'm gonna be able to effectively communicate to you what I'm feeling and why. Um, so that's my outlook on it.

SPEAKER_01 24:40

So um, I know communication is key, uh, but in the spur of the moment, how can one, like say, communicate that effectively? Let's say it's it's to that point where an argument is about to happen, right? How does one like communicate it to where it's like you in the motherfucker wrong? Yeah, I'm not wrong. Yeah, like she say, she say. What how does one effectively communicate that?

Conflict Styles And Real Resolution

SPEAKER_00 25:09

Well, so I think it's two parts, right? Like the first part is is that you have to be in a relationship with somebody who is emotional intelligent, emotionally intelligent enough to understand the way that you're communicating. Because I can say something so fucking perfect to you, very eloquent, very, very productive. But if you do not have the emotional intelligence or capability to understand what I'm saying and not make it about you, but make it about what I'm actually saying, then it doesn't matter. It's gonna be like talking to a brick wall and we're about we're gonna argue anyway. So I think that's the first step is having a partner or friend or or whatever that looks like that is as emotional, as emotionally intelligent as you or more so, right? But then the second part is um talking with I statements. So people will always jump on the on the yeah, people will always jump on the defense when you start with like a you you because like oh shit, like wait, wait a second, right? Um and so starting with the I statements. So, like what I said before is I feel like I am doing this, this, and this, and it's not being reciprocated. I'm feeling lonely. I'm feeling not seen by you, I'm feeling unappreciated by you, right? Like these are all I statements. I'm not saying that you are not appreciating me. I'm not saying that you are dismissing me, but I'm telling you how I feel and why I feel that way. Um, but again, that takes somebody who is emotionally intelligent enough to hear that for what it is of you just saying how you're feeling and not, you're not calling them that, right? Like I'm not saying that you're a dismissive husband or boyfriend. I'm not saying that you're a shit person. What I'm saying is that your your behavior is making me feel like this. So how do we, right? Like help me understand why I'm seeing this behavior, or help me understand why maybe I shouldn't interpret that behavior in that way, right? Like maybe you didn't mean it that way, or whatever that looks like, right? But you're never gonna even get to the why or understanding the why if the other person is not emotionally intelligent enough to understand the communication attempt, or if you don't start with I statements, because starting off with you do this and you always do this, you're gonna set yourself up to for that person to be defensive against you. And now you just gotta get through that hurdle of the defensiveness just to get to the core of the issue again.

SPEAKER_01 27:27

So that's my girl. I love it. My therapist tells me, use I statements a lot, and I do that periodically every day. Uh let me tell you, let me tell you something, Marita. Last night, right, um my wife was in the bedroom sleeping. I come in the bedroom, and you know, my kids was making a ruckus. I'm like, hey, be quiet. This is the third, your mom's sleeping. My wife, she's like, dang, you don't let me sleep. You see me sleeping, da da da da. I'm like, whoa, whoa, hold on, hold on, hold on, wait a minute. I was telling the kids to like, you know, be quiet. It's like, but you don't have to like yell or like say it, you know, say it so loudly, and I'm like, okay. And then she tried arguing with me, and I was just quiet the whole time because my therapist said, if I don't have anything nice to say, don't say nothing, and I control me, so I can't control her and what she's saying. Therefore, she was getting angry with me for not like arguing back, and I told her, like, during the middle of this, of her, like, hello, why aren't you talking to me? This and the third. I'm like, oh, you know what? I apologize for you know waking you up. I was just trying to tell the kids to you know to be quiet. Hey, my bad. And then that was it. She kept on trying to go on, but I was just quiet. I was like, no, I'm not it's a trap. I'm not gonna get in trouble for this. But she did get mad, and then you know, eventually she fell asleep. And then, oh my gosh, Rita, you don't know how hard it was for me not to like bite back. Cause I was ready, I was I was ready to be like, motherfucker, I fucking let you sleep in almost every day when I'm off. I let you you know I was gonna go off, but then I was like, you know what? That's like uh no, no. So yeah, it's oh my gosh, it's hard.

Age Gaps, Language, And Patience

Loving From Afar And Many Soulmates

SPEAKER_00 29:25

It's hard. I think um, I think the other part of it too is like just accepting that um people are gonna have human-ass moments, right? Like, yeah, people are gonna have human-ass moments, and I think a big part of why we see so much depression and so much friction in relationships is because I feel like everybody bought bought the dream that it love is supposed to look like Disney, and it's not, it's not that is that's not love, that's not relationships, that's not real. It doesn't happen. And so when when we do hit these friction points where we do just witness human beings being human beings and having human moments, um, when we can't get it to align with like, oh, well, we both communicated effectively and and it's still not fucking working, and we still like our budding heads, that's life. That's life. It turns into how resilient can we be now, right? Like, can like I know me, like my hormones are going crazy right now. I'm in like perimenopause. It's wild to say that, but like I'm in perimenopause, so my hormones are all over the place. So like there are days where I have no patience, zero, right? And I know I know all the effective ways to communicate and how to be nice and all that shit. But when I don't have any patience that fucking day, I'm about to be real goddamn human. I'm gonna be so human that day. Oh, I'm about to be so human. And so you need you need people that like are gonna give you that grace, right? That under like during those times, but it I take it as right, like it's not anybody's responsibility for how I act, but what I can do is give people insight to why I'm acting the way that I am acting. So in my in my small circle of people, um, I will tell them, hey, um, I'm feeling I'm feeling pretty off today. I'm not feeling like I want to talk a lot. I don't feel like I want to socialize a lot. This isn't me pulling away from you. This isn't me you any, right? Don't take offense to it. I'm communicating ahead of time that I I know that I'm feeling some type of way. I know that I'm feeling kind of agitated, you know, right now. So if if I could just have my space and you respect that boundary, then there won't be unnecessary friction, right? But if I don't say anything, because it is my responsibility, I know how I'm feeling. It's my responsibility to communicate that to people. If I know that I'm feeling extra tired and I haven't slipped because I'm going through insomnia like a mofo right now. Um, and I know that I haven't got any sleep, like it's my responsibility to say, I haven't gotten much sleep. I'm feeling pretty on edge and I don't have a lot of patience for dumb shit right now. Like, love you, but like this is just where I'm at. That's my responsibility because people can't read my mind. They can't, they can't assume how I'm feeling on the inside. That's my responsibility. And so I can't get mad at people for you know how they interact with me, not knowing that like I was very short on patience, short on sleep, and all that. That's not their fault. That's mine if I didn't say that, right? Um, what does become their fault is like, okay, but I communicated X, Y, and Z, and you still showed up in my face with some dumb shit. So no, right? Like, now you you did it.

SPEAKER_01 32:34

So uh Rita, let me so let me ask you. When you're communicating with that, right? And I know a lot of people are wondering, when that's not being reciprocated in like in the correct in the correct way, you know, like people might take it like, oh man, fuck this. I hint her back up, or yo, what the fuck? Like, why are you coming at me like that and shit? When a person comes off sideways like that or takes it like that, um, is it your job to like say explain it more into depth? Or is it one of those things where like, hey man, you take the info as how you want to take it and bygones be bygones, like you wasn't a real one?

Shoutouts, Justice For Goose, Sign-Off

SPEAKER_00 33:12

Yeah. No, the you know, in my in my earlier days, like in my in my twenties, I I used to do the the other part. I used to be like, oh, well, no, here's why. Here's I'm going through this, or da-da-da-da-da, right, like more in depth. Um, but what I have found as I've gotten older is it doesn't matter. If if people are going to be determined to misunderstand you, then they will be. It doesn't matter how much you communicate, it doesn't matter what you say, they they they are they are dedicated to misunderstanding you, they are dedicated to not hearing you because of usually it's a it's a self-serving thing, right? Like my friends that would get mad because of that, it's because they relied on me to be the fun of the you know, the fun and the life of the party. And so if I wasn't showing up, then they weren't having fun, and so now I'm the bad guy, right? Like it, but it was all self-serving for them. It was nothing because they actually cared about me as a person, right? Which is why my communication attempts, it didn't matter how in-depth I explained something, it didn't, they didn't care because their needs weren't being met for whatever selfish needs that they had about wanting me around or wanting my time and my energy. I'm the fix-it friend and I always have been. And so when I pull back on that energy because I need it for myself, even very recently, up until a year ago, I lost a um 14 or sorry, about 13-year relationship friendly because I pulled back my energy. I I I couldn't save her this time. I'd saved her multiple times, I'd helped her multiple times, but I'm in it, I'm in an era right now where I really have to pour into myself and my own needs for once. And I couldn't save her the way that she wanted. And so that made me the bad friend. And so I literally chucked up the deuces. I said bye, right? Because you know who I am. I make it so clear when I meet people exactly who I am, exactly what I stand for. There is no gray area. I'm very transparent when it's somebody, I meet somebody and I say, I want you in my life, I want you in my inner circle. There's no questions about who I am. Um, and so if you are still going to go out of your way to misunderstand me, um, to not not care about me in the sense of when I am trying to communicate, then it's bye. You'll come back around. I never will. They always come back around. They always come back around because I was never in the wrong. When it when it comes to the breaking of the relationship, I have I have never done anything to anybody that um would be the reason why we would need to sever the relationship. It's I I give people so many chances, but once that last chance happens, I I cut it. And they're like, Well, what the fuck? Why, why? You know why. I've made it very clear what I stand for. And so at our big old age, I don't want to hear shit. There's way too much therapy out there now than than ever before. There's way too many resources on the tips of our fingers, right? Um, you know what you did, you know how you acted. I'm not, I'm not your mom and I'm not your dad. I'm not raising any more adults in my lifetime. I'm not doing it. Um, and so just for my own piece, I just I cut the deuce. If you want to misunderstand me that bad, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 36:27

Um goddamn.

SPEAKER_01 36:34

What qualities make a healthy relationship?

SPEAKER_00 36:38

Um, I feel like we touched on a few of them, but so emotional intelligence, huge, right? Um conflict resolution, how you go about resolving conflict, because conflict is always gonna happen, right? And I think that that's something that um has to be a conversation that you guys sit down and agree about how you're gonna go about it, because no two people have the same conflict resolution style. But two people need to sit down to figure out what fits them both the best, because I need to understand how you react when you're hurt, right? I need to understand, like, okay, does he need to get his anger out before we have a conversation? Because that's me. I need to walk away and I need time. If I'm super angry about something, I need to walk away, have time, and then come back and then have a conversation. And if I can't have that conversation, I get really frustrated because I'll I'll just keep ruminating on it until I'm able to talk this out with you. Versus, especially usually for men, they just usually shut down, right? And so they don't really want to, yeah. They don't really want to talk. And so for somebody like me who needs to talk it out, I'm just getting more and more pissed off that because I want to hurry up and get it done with. I as soon as we have the conversation and we have our conflict resolution, I forget about it. It's off my head. I'm literally not thinking about it again. The difference is men will shut down, but they will think about it for the rest of their life. They will always remember this argument that we've had that that you shut down and you swallowed and we didn't talk it out, and there was no end resolution, right? We just pretended like it didn't happen, but it's always in the back of your head because we never talked about it. But for me, I gotta talk about it and get it out, and then I will literally never think about it again.

SPEAKER_01 38:20

Literally. What if what if you're a person that like let's say you're in a situation that you can't talk about it, okay? So I wanna play uh not devil's advocate, but I'm gonna give you a scenario. Yeah. Okay. So like say a person was with someone, liked someone, crashed out in front of that other person, but you know, like hid the feelings like super deep, but still like that other person, and you know, like they never communicated. So is that like a situation where uh he should just let go and then just go back to his relationship? Or is it something that if he wants it close, he should talk to that other person?

SPEAKER_00 39:04

I think he he or she, I think I think you should I think that you should talk about it. Honestly, because it's you might be able to like forget about it for a a phase in life, a few months, maybe a year, but there's always gonna be something that like triggers it back because it has been left unresolved. It's open. I don't care how far you shove it down, it's been left open. There's been no resolve to it. And so not talking about it, yeah, you might be cool for a little bit, but something's gonna trigger or remind you, or you're gonna run into them again, and it's all gonna hit you again. It hasn't gone anywhere because it hasn't been talked about. You know what I mean?

SPEAKER_02 39:42

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 39:43

And so I think having those honest conversations matters. And so even when it comes to conflict resolution, that's why like two people need to sit down. Okay, I need to understand how you how you behave when you're frustrated or upset. I need to understand how you do it, and let's make a game plan about how we do conflict resolution. I think that that that that's huge and is something that when whenever you're gonna be like, hey, I want you in my life, or hey, I want to date you, I feel like that is should be standard, like sit-down conversation. Let's talk about conflict resolution and how we want to go about it and agree, agree upon it. That way when shit goes left or or the agreed upon plan is not happening, there's an accountability factor. Like, no, wait, we both agreed to do to do this when we were button heads and we're not doing it. So it it gives everybody direction back when you know we do get in our in our emotions and our feelings and we're human beings. But I think that that just sets up an accountability factor. But I also think it's it helps get people, especially for our age group and above, um get in the habit of talking, men and women, because even though I like to talk when a conflict is happening because I want to talk about it and get it passed. In general, I'm not a very talkative person, right? I usually don't tell people that I'm going through anything until it's it's too much. And they're like, damn, why haven't you been you you didn't say anything? And I'm like, to me, I'm such a realist. I'm like, there's no point in me telling you you can't change anything about what I'm going going through. So there's no there's no point in me telling you're going through your own shit. You don't need to hear about my shit too that you can't fix for me, anyways. Right. Um and so like I'm very much kind of like this a coin of two sides, right? So like I stay very quiet, I might be going through hell, nobody will know about it. I'll just get really quiet and kind of like resolved into myself until I figure it out, and then I'll pop back out. And everyone's like, where the hell are you been? I was like, I was just you know figuring some shit out. But going through some shit. Yeah, I was just yeah, I was just going through some shit. Um, my friends, they they say that I'm the the dudest chick that they've ever met because I do have a very emotionally, I would say I'm very similar to a man in that aspect of just how men process their emotions, but I think that that just comes from the trauma and how I was raised, right? Like I had a dad um who was very much like a why are you crying? Crying doesn't change shit, right? Like, and I was just like, damn. And I didn't realize, yeah, like, and I was like, it really doesn't though. Me crying doesn't does not change, you know, being homeless. Me crying doesn't change that we're not gonna have food to eat. It doesn't change anything. So why am I crying? And so I learned that from a very young age. And so um, even in into my adulthood, it's been new for me. I would say only in the last two years, um, that I've been working on being more expressive about how I'm feeling, but it's still like an ick to me to do it. I'm just like, oh my God, this is so gross. Hey guys, I'm feeling like, but I'm doing it right because I can't uh that I love and care about. Like, it is my responsibility to tell them where I'm at emotionally so that I don't set them up for conflict that didn't need to happen between us. If I would have just told them how I was feeling.

SPEAKER_01 43:08

Girl, I am like that too. Like uh the whole tear thing, like with my kids. I'm like, dude, there's no reason to cry. You gotta keep on going. I understand that you're hurt, it's an emotion that you don't know. Because my kids are like they're six and eight. Yeah. So it's like, I understand it's like you can't check your emotions right now, but once you get older, you just gotta keep on going. And that's how I taught my older daughter. She's 20 some odd years old now, she graduated college, and yeah, so she hardly cries and everything. But oh my gosh, I posted this thing earlier today. I was in the gym by myself, work, you know, like just yeah, going, and then a song came on, and I was like, oh my god, why am I getting so teary-eyed? You know what I'm saying? Yeah, I was like, oh my god, so keep on trucking. Yeah. What you were saying earlier. I was like, oh shit, that shit's hitting home. Yeah. Oh my god.

SPEAKER_00 44:02

Yeah, it really is. I don't know. I don't know. And I like I I always make a joke. My friends, like, I'll tell them, I'm like, yo, I only cry like twice a year, and it sucks too, because I'm a cancer and everybody's like, oh, cancers are crybabies. I'm like, we're really not. Actually, if we are crying, like we probably want to stab you in the neck. Like, it's not because we're sad. Um, and so like I was like, I only cry like twice a year, but this last year I feel like I've cried like almost once a month. I'm like, what the fuck is going on?

SPEAKER_01 44:31

It's like something that's like you're like, what? Because I'm a cancer as well, and I'm just like I hardly ever cry, and it's like I get like I got that I get that urge, you feel me? Like it's uh it's one of those it's finna come out, but it's not. It's like oh god, I'm kinda I'm kinda sad, but not no tears, you know. No tears, yeah. Yeah, yeah, no tears, yeah. Oh my we're the same kinda. Oh, Rita, next question. How can someone get the invite to the cookout?

SPEAKER_00 45:04

Oh, instant invite to the cookout for me is if I see you singing or dancing to um SWB Week or Soul for Real Candy Rain. If you get over here, I don't care what you look like, I don't care nothing. Get over here. Yeah, you're coming to the cookout for sure.

SPEAKER_01 45:22

Hell yeah, that is what's up. Girl, um, so my next question is, and this is coming from a uh like he graduated high school, he's getting into college now. Um, the whole communicating with, like, say someone younger and someone older, right? That gap of communicating. Do you think someone young could communicate or be with someone like older, let's say, you know, freshly out of high school to someone that's like established already? Could that could that dynamic work?

SPEAKER_00 45:56

It can work, but here's the thing there's there's gonna be a part of it that requires extra work, right? Because even right, like I've made friends with people that are 15 years younger than me, and there is a dynamic that's a little bit different. It's not it's not crazy different, but there's a difference there. And so there just has to be that openness and that that that um that patience with each other of like, okay, so this is right, like this is kind of how I was raised. This is the way that that I'm used to communicating, versus I'll I'll tell you right now, with younger generations, very passive, um, very like vague in the way that they describe, like they don't describe that, they're so vague, they're so vague. I'm like, well, what do you mean by that? I don't know, I'm just chilling. No, but what do you mean by that? Right? Because to me, just chilling is like, oh, you don't really care. But for them, they're like, no, chilling, I mean like I'm good, like da-da-da-da, right? So there's these differences, and there has to be that patience and understanding so that like if one side is saying, whether they're younger or they're older, they're like, well, what do you mean by that? Like, don't take offense to that, don't get mad right away. Like, be open to hearing, like, oh no, this is what I mean by that, or this is why I say things like this, right? It's just, it's like understanding a new language. There's gonna be a little bit of a barrier there. But I think if both people are open to like understanding that we do have this barrier, but if we both work at it, it's gonna be fine, right? We we interact with all different age groups all the time. Like when I interact with um, you know, my seniors, I know that there's a a certain type of way that I have to interact with them because they don't understand. If I was just to interact with how, you know, you and I communicate, I can't do that with them necessarily because of the age that they're in. And so just respecting that, I think it's it's fine. I don't, I don't really see an issue. But if if you're going into it with um that you're gonna try to mold that person to be like how you want them to be, I think is is where you'll butt heads a lot versus versus just like, oh no, I just need to under, I just need more understanding. I just need more clarity and not taking offense to when somebody asks questions. I think that that's a big thing. I feel like um people can sometimes be quick to be offended by being asked a question when um I feel like asking questions is how people get the clarity that they need to understand you the way that you want to be understood, right? Um so I think that that just all kind of plays into it, but I think it's definitely doable. Oh, definitely. Okay, last question.

SPEAKER_01 48:35

And um, so can you love someone from afar?

SPEAKER_02 48:39

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 48:40

So let's okay, so okay, scenario. Um you liked someone, you guys never got into that situation ship, but you were very fond of that person. So, you know, things happen, not ne not nothing negative, but it was just you you two just stopped talking, right? But you see, like you see that person, like say, you know, once in a while, like once a month, maybe twice a month or whatever, and like you still admire that person from afar. Could that happen? And also, if that can happen, what is like a healthy way to all right, yo, I gotta let that go, let that slide off somewhere else. But I still genuinely care for that person.

SPEAKER_00 49:25

Yeah, I think that that's a I think it's a hard one. I don't think it's easy. Um because when you do grow fond of somebody, when you do love somebody, um the the human urge is to want to be with them and want to be close to them and and you know interact with them. And so I think you're fighting a biological thing on top of a very like almost kind of spiritual type thing that you're feeling. And so I think when it's from when it's from afar and you're having to do it from afar, um I think that you can still love them in the sense of like you would you'll always admire who they are, you love their character, you love the same almost. I don't want to say kind of like, you know, how you have like people that you support who you're like, oh God, I love what they stand for, I love that they do X, Y, and Z for the community, whatever, right? I think that you can still love people, and I think that you will still love people, almost kind of like a like a twin flame scenario, right? Like right place, wrong time type deal. I don't think it'll ever change the feelings that are there, but I think that if reality is that you guys can't be together, then that's just what the reality is. And it's almost kind of like to respect the reality of the situation, is that you can't be with that person, but I don't think it changes the love and the care that you can have for somebody. And I don't think it'll ever go away. Honestly, I think that there's don't kill me in the comments for this one, but I I don't think that there's one soulmate for people. I think that we find soulmates in our friends, I think that we find soulmates in people romantically. I think that we can connect with people on a deep level like that and have very deep love for people across many different types of like situations, you know what I mean? Um and so I don't think that there's just one person for everybody. I think that as human beings, we were made to be able to love very deeply for many different reasons, whether that's our kids, our dogs, our our neighbor, whatever that looks like. And so um, when it's a situation where you can't be in person to love that person or have them in the way that you want it, I think it's just about respecting the reality of the situation, but always having love for them, right? Like if they were to call or if they needed help or something, like you would always it did it won't matter if it's one year or 20 years from now, I'll drop what I'm doing and and I'll and I'll go, right? Because it that feeling doesn't go away for people.

SPEAKER_01 51:54

I like how I like how in the middle of all that you said that we were made to like have these feelings to love like certain people or certain things, right? Yeah, and I've said that like along like when I started this podcast, I said that, and I knew there was a lot of people like, oh, what the fuck do you mean? I'm just like nah, dude. Like God made us with emotion, and it's like we can't just have one emotion towards one person. That's just yeah, that's just alien of me, you know what I'm saying? Like we have these, we develop these relationships, you know, throughout our lifetime, you know what I'm saying? We're on these earth we're on this earth like at least 80 to nine years, you know. Yeah, if we're if we're fucking lucky or not, you know? Yeah, yeah, you know. So it's like it's kind of ignorant to think that we can only like be to that one, you know? Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 52:44

Yeah, that that just it doesn't even make sense. Like, if you really like it doesn't make sense on like I don't I don't know how to explain it. Like it even just the way that God talks about loving others, like there's no way that that like I was made to just be able to love one person, and that's just where all of my love like I love some of my friends so deeply, so deeply. I would lay down my life for them, right? Like, I would also lay down my life for my fucking dogs. Like I can love so deeply, and so to think that like that always has to be only confined to one avenue of your life is just wild to me. It's not something that I buy into at all. If I connect with somebody um and and I start caring for them and I and I start loving them, then that's what it is. You know what I mean? I think we are put here to do that.

SPEAKER_02 53:37

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 53:39

Rita, that shit was fun, and thank you for speaking with me. Oh my god, I loved it. Uh Rita, that was fun. Um, do you have any uh shout outs or anything? Or where can these lovely people find you at?

SPEAKER_00 53:51

Um, so you can find me on IG or TikTok. Um, it's under Rita underscore C C E um or Rude Girl Dino, either one. If you search it, you'll find me. Uh yeah, that's pretty much it. I want to shout out myself because I've been putting in a lot of work over the last year. So I'm just saying, shout out myself. Um I do want to shout out Justice for Goose. Um, this is one of my dear friends. Her son was um tragically shot in his house playing video games um by a violent offender. He was he was with his dad, who had approved um visitation time at a house that he was not supposed to be at. Um and he lost his life. He's forever 13. Um, we're fighting right now in the system to um have this violent re-offender kept behind bars. Go go look up hashtag JusticeForgoose. That's that's the only other person I want to shout out right now.

SPEAKER_01 54:48

Hey, R.I.P. Goose into the family, man. Condolences. Holy crap. Oh shit.

SPEAKER_00 54:53

Yeah, damn, that's kind of sad. Yeah, it is. It is, but we're fighting though. We're fighting. We're happy. We're we're happy that we're making some motion here in Washington about it.

SPEAKER_01 55:02

So yeah. Okay. Well shit. Well, that being said, hey, KO Studios, thank you for the lovely home. Hey, uh, Rappy Bae, always, man. Forever, thank you for the lovely beats, man. I'm Chris. It's your part. Okay, again, again. Five, four, three, two, one. God, Rita. Oh, you're killing me. Sorry, I was I was like, oh right. Uh, four, three, two, one. K Studios, thank you for the lovely home. Rapid bye, thank you for the lovely beats, man. I'm Chris. I'm Sarita. We out this bitch. Peace.