An Affair Has Happened....Now what?!

What do you do after an affair is revealed? How do you get the marriage back on track and rebuild trust?
One of the best places to start is with a disclosure statement. To trust, there must be understanding. A disclosure statement is given by the person who betrayed, to the person they betrayed. It provides clarity and understanding about what happened and why. This is not always easy and often takes a great deal of self-reflection by the betrayer.
However, understanding the thoughts, behaviors, and events that led to the affair provides an opportunity to address those things in therapy and within the relationship. Instead of saying, "I don't know why it happened," a disclosure statement provides hope to the person that has been betrayed that trust can be regained.

Tips for writing a relational disclosure statement after an affair has occurred:

• Be honest and transparent. This is the most important thing. Your partner deserves to know the truth about what happened, even if it is painful.
• Be specific. Don't just say that you had an affair. Tell your partner who the affair partner was, how long the affair lasted, and what happened during the affair.
• Be remorseful. Let your partner know that you are truly sorry for what you did and that you understand how it has hurt them.
• Be committed to repair. Your partner needs to know that you are willing to do whatever it takes to rebuild the trust that you have broken.

In addition to these general tips, there are a few specific things that you should include in your relational disclosure statement:

• The identity of the affair partner. Your partner has the right to know who the person was that you betrayed them with.
• The duration of the affair. How long did the affair last?
• The nature of the affair. Was it a physical affair, an emotional affair, or both?
• How often you met with the affair partner.
• Whether you had sex with the affair partner. If so, how many times?
• Whether you used protection. This is important for your partner's health and well-being.
• Whether you told the affair partner about your relationship status.
• Whether you lied to your partner about the affair. If so, be honest about how often you lied and what you lied about.
• Why you had the affair. It's important to understand your own motivations so that you can avoid making the same mistakes in the future.
• What steps you have taken to end the affair. This could include cutting off contact with the affair partner, blocking them on social media, and changing your phone number.
• What steps you are taking to repair the relationship. This could include going to couples counseling, reading books about infidelity, or making changes to your lifestyle.

It is important to note that you should not write your relational disclosure statement in a vacuum. It is important to discuss it with your partner first and to get their feedback. They may have questions that you need to answer or they may have specific requests about what they want to know.

Writing a relational disclosure statement is a difficult process, but it is an important step in rebuilding trust after an affair. By being honest, transparent, and remorseful, you can show your partner that you are committed to making things right.

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