Ep. 153: Bad News, Big Reactions, More Stress (Part 3)

In this week’s episode,  Jazmin talks about why she chose to wait before telling her family. While family is often seen as a source of comfort, she reflects on how their reactions can sometimes add more stress to an already overwhelming situation. Instead of feeling supported, the pressure, worry, and opinions can make moments like these even harder to navigate.

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Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:04

You're now listening to a potent dose of three with your hosts Linda, Jasmine, and Kathy, and we're here to bring you your weekly dose. Hey guys, welcome back. This is a continuation of last week's episode. Um, so we had that conversation with you, Jasmine, and then I remember you calling me, like freaking out, thinking like, Linda, I think I have this. Uh, that's the reason why I had the night sweats. That's the reason I was like, calm down. Like, no, we're not we're not going there. We are not going there. Um, because even though like I was really scared as well when I heard the news, I was like boo-hoo crying, but I was like, No, I'm not gonna accept that because again, there's no no biopsy or anything. So I would just remember trying to calm you down, trying to say everything the opposite. Jasmine was like, I get night sweats. I was like, Well, I get night sweats too sometimes. She was like, I go to the bathroom a lot at night. I was like, Well, I do too. The cortisol levels are up, and I've gone to the bathroom like three times in the night now. Like, I did everything in my power just to calm her down, even though like I was scared and I knew she was scared, but Jasmine was ready to jump off a damn cliff and she had every right to do so. But I wanted to be that friend, like that, you know, I was backing her up from the ledge because it is scary, and I wanted to acknowledge that it is scary, but I also wanted to like reassure her. But she was she was spiraling, she was spiraling.

SPEAKER_01 1:43

Okay, no, you know what's crazy, Linda is or Kathy. So, like, I had I remember like the first week, I had like cried it out, and I was like, All right, I'm good. I was like, I am good, like I'm not gonna cry anymore. And then I remember talking to my stepdad, and um he said he had like a whole bunch of conversations with tons of doctors. This is this is how it started. He's like, Yeah, I had so many conversations with so many doctors, and like he's like bawling his eyes out. And I'm like, Why? I was like, why are you crying? I was like, Why are you crying? I was like, I should be the one crying. I'm like, I'm like, if I'm not crying, you shouldn't be crying. You know, I was like, if I'm not crying, you shouldn't be crying, everything's gonna be okay. Like, I told him, like, everything is gonna be okay. And he's like crying and crying, crying. I'm like, what's I'm like, you act like I'm dying. Cause I because I at this point I was like, I'm gonna be okay, like everything's gonna be okay. And so I'm like, you act like I'm dying. Why are you doing this? Why are you crying like this? He's like, it's because like I know, and I'm like, what do you know? Like so he's like, you know, like you told me how it's um small cell, long, whatever. He's like, the the rates aren't you know the best. And so I was like, I never said that. I was like, I never told you that. I didn't say that. I'm like, have you been telling people that's what I have? Yeah, and I was like, I don't have that. He's like, Yes, you do. I was like, no, I don't. And then he's like like trying to explain to me why I would have it. And then that's when I started spiraling you guys. That's when I was like, oh shoot, actually, well, wait, I actually did have that symptom. So that's why I started spiraling, Kathy, was because he convinced me that I had it. And I was like, I did tell you I had that. He's like, well, it could be. He's like, it could spread there. And I was like, that's when I started spiraling, and that's when I called Linda and I was like, Linda, what if I have blah blah blah? Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 3:45

And I think Jasmine got to the point he's like, I need to get a lung x-ray. I need to get this, I need to get I was like, Jasmine, let's take it one step at a time. Like, you and I think you reached out to your mentor someone too, and they said, like, there you'll be fine.

SPEAKER_01 3:58

No, no, no. I I reached out to my mentor after I talked to Linda. Um, and my mentor was like, Look, I'm not worried about it. She told me she was like, I don't think it's that, I'm not worried about it. But if you feel like you must, because I didn't I didn't have my I was supposed to get more imaging done. I didn't have one for a while. So she's like, if you feel like you can't wait till then, go to the emergency and go get a scan. And so I thought about it and I was like, no, like nah I'm just gonna wait. Like I'm just I'm just gonna wait. Linda was right, she calmed me down, I was like, I'll just wait. And if it's that, we'll deal with it later. But like, you know, it's like it is what it is now, and like I was like, I'm just gonna leave it in God's hands, and I did that, but yeah, that was like the one time where I had like finally came to terms with it, and then somebody in my family just kind of you know freaked me out and added added more stress to me to me, and that was stressful. Yeah, that was really stressful, but it was funny too, because I knew I I knew Linda, I knew I was spiraling, yeah, I knew it, but I couldn't stop it because I was like, I was trying to push against it, but they were pushing me back. Like I was trying so hard to tell them, like, why are you telling people I have this? He's like, Well, because it can spread there and blow.

SPEAKER_00 5:23

And I was like, you know, you're right, you know what, you're right, but that's me too.

SPEAKER_01 5:34

Me too.

SPEAKER_00 5:34

Yeah, no, but that's that's listeners. That's the reason why Jasmine didn't want to tell her family because now they brought up a whole nother diagnosis that she started to believe she may actually have. Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 5:46

And that's another thing I told you guys they're dramatic, and so I didn't want to, I couldn't handle that when I was dealing with my own stuff and trying to, you know, I still process it because I feel like processing it is a multi-step thing. Like you it doesn't take a week, it doesn't take, you know, like I feel like I every time I was processing something different because I've never been a patient like this before. I'd never had to go to so many appointments before, you know, this was all very new to me. And so um, I was trying to process all that, and I didn't want to add like having to manage my family's emotions on top of what I was trying to process, you know, as a patient.

SPEAKER_00 6:29

So, yeah, and I completely understand because that's that's the way I am. Is it's it's two things. Like you want to when you hear get bad news or just something's going on, you want to process it for yourself and understand it for yourself. And but then you have people who care about you, so then I can also see your family's point of view as like I want to be there for you, but then now at this point, you are trying to help them control their emotions and being being there for them, where it's like you're still processing it for yourself. So sometimes it is good to keep things to yourself until you're able to share so you can carry someone else's weight. Because at this point, it they made it about them. Though they thought they were being there for you, it's like now I'm I'm trying to make sure you are you are okay, um, and make sure I'm okay as well. So it's hard. But I understand both both sides. That's why I was like, I understand where your mom is coming from. Because as a as a parent, I would be very, very, very concerned as well.

SPEAKER_01 7:28

No, yeah. I am and that was something I was trying to because my mom got really upset when she found out. She was upset. Apparently, she was like, there was like a whole family group thread going on behind my back.

SPEAKER_02 7:41

And my mom can I ask when did she found out? Because okay, so basically, for so the listeners could know this, like I knew about it, but I didn't really ask about it. Because I was like, I'm letting her process her own thing. I know I let you know this. I'm like, I'm here for you, whatever you need. I'm here, but I didn't want to push it because I feel like and I feel like we discussed this. Like, I feel like I don't like to push people to like, well, tell me, tell me, tell me. No, it's more like when they're ready, like Linda said, when when um people are ready, then they will share with you. And then when that whatever, whenever you're ready and share with me, then that's when I give my input. And then I that's when it dies for me. Because I feel like I don't want to keep asking because you're already going through all this, and then you don't need somebody asking you every day. So what did they say about this? So what did they say about that? You know, even though I was concerned as a friend, um, I was like, I'm just gonna like keep praying my prayers. I'm gonna like uh because I was worried because it was funny because before we started previously recording this episode, I told Jasmine, I was like, I hope I don't get emotional. And she's like, wait, hold on, why? And I was like, because I cared about you. Like I was worried about you. Like, what do you mean why? Like, you know, like we I feel like her friend group, we all went through it like different ways because you know, she's young and like, and I was I um I guess in my head I always go to like what's next? Like what, and then the the worst case scenario, because that's just how I am. I don't know why. But I'm like, okay, what's next? And then how can I support her through that? And then how can I do like that's that was my train of like my train of thought. So that's why when she's like, but why why are you gonna get emotional? I'm like, bro, you don't understand this, but we were all going through it. But we just obviously, like I said, and then also like it's very valid what um Linda said and you said, Jasmine, like it's hard because I feel like sometimes we want to avoid that hurt from our loved ones, like our family. And then we don't want them to carry that weight, but then we also have to take care of ourselves. So it's kind of like it's hard. Like you have because you also want to give yourself time to process. So yeah.

SPEAKER_00 9:59

That's that's why I was like, I can see both sides. Because then, as a, you know, as like a family member, it's like, well, I'm upset because I could have helped you carry this weight, like you didn't have to carry it on your own. But then as a person who's going through it, it's like, well, I wasn't ready to release some of this weight. So that's what I was like, I understand both sides.

SPEAKER_01 10:18

No, yeah, I know I a hundred percent understood why my mom was upset. Like, I'm not even a mom, but I know, like, if I couldn't be there for my child, you know, like I I I I totally get that. Like, I I understood her her um her pain, but I also tried my best to explain to her and was hoping that she understood why I did it the way I did. Um, she's fine now, but yeah, in the group thread, you know, she was telling people this, this, and that. And I was like, you know what? It is what it is. I did the best that I could in this situation, and that's all I can do. And that's it. Like, I'm not I'm not really worried about it or stressed. Uh it happened, and they can they can hopefully be okay with it too.

SPEAKER_00 11:05

Like they're live, they'll be okay.

SPEAKER_02 11:07

Plus, I feel like we are not trained to like, you know, what am I gonna do in this? We don't we're not trained to like react in difficult situations like this, you know? So it's kind of like you did the best you could and you and that's fine. And I'm I'm glad she's um better with the situation right now. But um, I have a question. Um, so what was the end of it all? Like after you went to all these appointments, what was the diagnosis? What happened? Can you give us a little bit of like details? A storyline.

SPEAKER_01 11:44

A storyline. Yes, a storyline. Um so um, yeah, after that, I had an oncology appointment um pretty quick after that. And then um they had other people looking into it. Like I they had multiple radiologists looking at my scans. Um and they basically called me. I had a bunch of doctors call me because my number was circulated um via my mentor. And so I was like, I'm getting amazing treatment. Everyone's gonna, no, but literally a lot, everyone was looking at my scans.

SPEAKER_00 12:25

And that's another thing that kind of sucks. It's a blessing for us, but it's like if you're if you don't work in healthcare, you don't have connections to health care in healthcare, like think about the everyday person that does not have these connections. But that's another episode in itself. It's about you, Jasmine. No, you're right, Linda.

SPEAKER_01 12:44

You're so right. And actually speaking on that real quick, because that's something I wanted to speak on, actually. So before all this happened, like when I first started getting those symptoms, right? You know, the beginning symptoms of like night, sweats, fatigue, I had medical. Medica. When I tell you I had been asking them for blood tests for months and months, and telling them something's wrong with me. I asked them for a blood test like in April April? April like April 3rd or something like that. I didn't get a blood test till June or May. A blood test. Not a scan, a blood test. Because they didn't have their stuff together. There was they kept making mistakes every time. Like, you know, like when I went to go see them, I said I needed a blood test, and this is what I need a blood test for. She said she was gonna put it in. No, she said to go in and go to the doctor. I uh tell me if you heard the story. And I was like, okay, do I need anything? And she was like, No, I'm like, great. So I made my appointment and I went. Yeah, huh? I made my appointment and I went, and they were like, we don't have any lab work here for you. And I was like, What do you mean? The doctor told me to come. He's like, We can't take your labs if we don't know what labs we're taking. And I was like, She told me to just come in that it would be fine, and I had asked her, and then I called and I said, Hey, you need to put in the lab work. They're like, Okay. I said, I'm gonna make an appointment. They're like, Okay, I make another appointment. Lab work isn't in. I was like, Okay, okay, so then I'm like, okay, I'm gonna call them and I'm gonna say I'm gonna make an appointment by this day to make my lab work. So like it was just like this over and over for a while. And something told me, I was like, something told me, I was like, you might need to buy your own insurance, you might need to pay for your own insurance. So I started paying for my own insurance out of pocket, out of my tuition money, the money that I get to pay rent and to feed myself and all that. I decided to invest into insurance. At the moment, I was like, damn, it's kind of a waste of money, not gonna lie. Because I like was I'm low on money, you know. Like I live, I live paycheck to paycheck. Um and so yeah, so I was paying for my insurance, and after all this happened, like all this, because I was paying for insurance, I was able to get treatment at like the top facilities because I was paying for insurance. So I was like, wow, that was actually an investment because I would not have been able to get as fast like appointments had I not paid my paid insurance. I would still probably be waiting to get well, I'm not gonna say it yet because it's coming, but basically the outcome of everything, Kathy. Sorry, I digressed, is um I went to my first oncology appointment and that was really scary. It was weird. Um I was one of the youngest people in there, and like, you know, you can you know, I I could tell people like you know, were on chemotherapy and all of this, and it was just really hard to be in there because it like I was like it like brought back like oh my god, you have cancer, you know. It was it was an interesting experience. Um and just seeing like all those like people, you know, I knowing what they what they're going through. Um so anyway, I had my appointment and they were like, Oh, we had multiple people look at the scans, and we actually think it's an antiomyelite. No, we think it's AML. We think it's AML. And if you are a student, AML is acute myeloid leukemia. Okay, that's what I know AML to be. Um so when they said AML, I was like, what? What do I have? So I'm freaking out because I hear I have leukemia, okay? So I'm like, oh, this is wor this is worse than I thought. So Jonathan's over here like smiling, and I'm over here like, uh-uh, why are you smiling? This is not good. This is not good. This is not like, do you know what this means? And so Jonathan's like, what's wrong with you? Like, you know, and I'm like, she said I have AML. And then so she repeated it again. Okay, and AML is actually angiomyolipoma. And angiomyelipoma is basically do you it's a uh for listeners, it's a mass, um, it's a benign mass made up of angio, which is blood vessels, myo, which is fat. No, sorry, myel, which is is it skeletal muscle? And lipoma, which is fat. So it's just a mass made up of blood vessels, muscles, and fat. It's benign. But I thought I had acute myeloukemia, because that's what AML usually stands for.

SPEAKER_00 18:20

That's that's why it's important medical abbreviation depending on what field you are in, like what specialty you're in. So, because for oncology, that was it meant something else. In general, just medicine, it means something else. So that's why that doctor should not have used no medical abbreviation.

SPEAKER_01 18:36

Yeah, dude. So I'm like, uh, this is not good. But okay, and the crazy thing, Linda, is I was like, oh, like maybe I'm just overreacting, right? I'm like, maybe I'm just overreacting. Like maybe I'm just like on like on my pins and needles, like I'm just really stressed. So when I called my mentor, she was like, Call me when you're out of your oncology appointment. Like, I want to know what it is. Granted, after a while, I realized, like, when I was in the appointment, they weren't talking about a um acute myeleleukemia. Like, then I figured it out that it was angiomyelpoma because then she said it, right? So, anyways, when I'm on the phone with my mentor, um, she's like, How'd it go? And I was like, Oh, they said I have AML. And I was like, I said it like that because I wanted to see what she said. I wanted to see if she thought the same thing I did. Because I was like, maybe I was just overreacting. And she's like, Jasmine, I'm going to what did she say? She's like, Jasmine, don't play with me. Oh no, I wasn't on the phone. I was texting her. She's like, Don't she's like, what do you mean? She's like, What do you mean? She's like, call me right now. And so like I called her because we were texting. And she I was like, Yeah, she's like, What did they say? And I was like, Oh, that I have AML. She's like, What do you mean? And I was like, an angiomyelipoma. And she goes, Oh my god, she goes, I almost fainted. And I was like, why? She's like, I thought you meant, and I was like, Oh, I thought the same thing. I was like, I thought the same thing you thought. I was like, okay, now I know like I'm not crazy because she thought the same thing I thought. So I was like, oh, okay, like I'm not overreacting. Like, it's just the terminology they could have used could have been better. So that was a that was an event in itself, too. But yeah, it was benign. They gave me the option of leaving it in and watching it. Well, not benign. They thought it was benign. They thought it could be benign. Let me let me let me rephrase. You won't know until you take it out, right? You you won't know until you do a biopsy in and see like the composition of the mass. Um, so he said, we can keep it in there and and watch it, or we can take it out, biopsy it, and see what it is. And if it is renal cell carcinoma, then we can send you off for genetic testing. Given that um my grandma has like a long family history of cancer, like a lot of her siblings passed away from a different type of cancer. I was like, no, let's just take it out and see what it is. And also, like, it's in me. I know it's in me. Let's just take it out. I don't want to, you know, I don't, I don't. Um, and so yeah, they they um said, okay, then we'll schedule your surgery. Um, and my goal was to originally schedule it in December because in December I was going to have a winter winter break. Um, so that was the plan. So that way it wouldn't disrupt my studies as much. But because um in December the surgeon was so busy, he he didn't have any availability, so I ended up having to wait to schedule my surgery till January. Um, so the surgery was gonna be a hopefully I say this right an assisted partial laparoscopic nefective. Me. So basically they were using like robots. Um, you know, and I got like five incisions. What was the risks for that though?

SPEAKER_00 22:10

The risks, yeah. Down because that's important. It is important. I don't want to hear about how many incisions you got, but why you still chose to get that and like the risk from it. Risk and benefits. Always educate your patients on risks and benefits.

SPEAKER_01 22:37

But during the surgery, you can have complications and you can have blood loss. And so you can lose even more of your kidney than expected. So they could say they said, worst case scenario, I would lose a whole kidney instead of like part of a kidney. Um, and then also like under anesthesia, you know, you have risk too, right? So like um anytime you go under anesthesia, there's risks, risks of like having like heart issues and things like that. And um, yeah, so when that was I'm glad you asked that because I have never had surgery. Um, and so choosing to have surgery, um, like I didn't even think about it to be honest. But then when I was going to surgery, um, it was scary, not gonna lie. It was scary. I had never had surgery, and so the fact that I was going on under anesthesia was a little scary. Like, it wasn't fear that my surgeons were incompetent. I had full faith in them. It was it had nothing to do with them. I was not worried about them. I was more worried about was my body going to be able to handle things, you know, was I gonna wake up, you know, things like that. And so yeah, I was just worried, like I don't know, you could have a heart attack and die under anesthesia. So that's definitely one of the risks that you take. But I also knew that my that my mental state wouldn't be good if I kept it in here. So I was like, I felt like I would feel better taking it out and actually definitively knowing what it was. So that that was something I felt like I needed to do. Um, and that's basically one of the reasons why I chose to do it despite the the risks. Yeah. Good question.

SPEAKER_00 24:27

Thanks for sharing. So now I don't want to hear after the surgery.

SPEAKER_01 24:31

No, wait, I wanted to tell you about the surgery real quick. Oh, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 24:34

Hold that thought.

SPEAKER_02 24:35

Stay tuned for next week's episode.

SPEAKER_03 24:38

Thanks for listening to this episode of PB3 with your hosts Linda, Jasmine, and Kathy. Make sure you like, comment, and subscribe at a potent dose of three so that you never miss an episode and your weekly dose.