Ep. 159: Love vs Career (Part 2)

In this episode, it’s Linda’s turn as she shares her perspective on the ultimate question: love or career, and what she would choose when faced with that decision.

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Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:04

You're now listening to a Putin Dose of Three with your hosts Linda, Jasmine, and Kathy, and we're here to bring you your weekly dose. Hey guys, welcome back. This is a continuation of last week's episode.

SPEAKER_01 0:35

Yeah, and I feel like that's when it comes like what I was saying, like with love. Like if you really love that person, you can't. And this is my mentality. If you really love that person, you can't hold them back. Like if you really love them, you need to let them fly like a butterfly. Like so they could just extend their wings and make some money and like make even make some money or be like let them like their dreams come true or get their dream job. And that's what I like I would I would think in this situation. Like, if you really love me, dude, you would've come with me or we wouldn't make it work, or you know, and then if not, then that's fine. Like I'll find someone else, like you know, it is what it is. It was good until it wasn't good. It's hard because they didn't like they they would they would talk the talk but they wouldn't walk the walk. So it wasn't more like they didn't they would prioritize their career and like sometimes like they would prioritize their career but they wouldn't prioritize their family. So they would prefer um they would prefer not like there were a lot of times that they were not present with me and my sibling because they were always working and that's something that I didn't like, and that's something that I was like um so it was like they didn't really yeah, like it was just I don't know if I'm explaining myself right. But it was just like they were they were always working, like that was the thing, like they were always working, they were always working, and even though they were always working, they were always we were always struggling money-wise. Um and then they they would leave us alone most of the time. Um so it was like something that I didn't like on that side because um I was like, man, if I have kids, I don't want to do this. Like, you know, I don't wanna live like it's good because they were I under and then it's it's hard. Like now that I'm a mom, it's hard because I'm trying not to judge them because I know where they were coming from and I know they were just trying to make ends meet, and then I know like they had to be on their 40s and 50s and start like uh whatever they learn in their career in Colombia where they work in an office, start working in like and I don't mean no disrespect to this, but like start working as like kitchen cooking, like to a person that's never like cook in a kitchen, it's it's hard, like you know, or like start like cleaning restrooms when a person that's never cleaned restrooms before, you know, but they so it's kind of like and I try I so there were a lot of times that I wish they were there, but they were not there. But it was like okay, what do I prefer? Them do them being there or me having a plate on the table. And some kids would understand that something some kids won't. Some some kids would like judge their parents very hard. So it's yeah, I was like it like some things that like that I would see them do. I'm like, okay, cool, but I don't want to do that. Like I don't want to um what's it called? I don't want to leave my kids like all their day, like the whole day alone, bending for each other when they're like young, like what 11, 8, you know? So it's like so, or like when we will be summers, like it was it was just like there were some things that I I would see that I wouldn't like. And then those are the things that I also picked up, like okay, yeah, they're saying that, like, yeah, pick your career and pick your education, but also like we're family, like we're where would you leave your family, you know? So yeah, those are the things that I that I saw my parents do that I've been trying to change myself. Um, but yeah, enough about me. Now let's bring it back to Linda. Linda, what would you do? Because I know you say you're not having like any love life right now, but when you do, how are you gonna what do you think it's going to happen? How are you gonna approach approach it? Let the listeners know.

SPEAKER_00 5:05

So, um, so for me, similar to Kathy, um, growing up, you know, career getting an education was like drilled into my head. Like, drilled, like, no, you know, make sure you have your own means for yourself. Like, don't depend on the guy. You want to make sure that you have your own self, your own things just in case something were to ever happen. You can you have money and and you have things for your own for yourself, so you don't have to rely on other people. So, growing up, literally, from my mom to my aunts, everyone, they're like, um, all you women's independent, uh your hands are family. So it was more so like be independent, have your own thing so you don't have to depend on no one else. So growing up, that was my mindset. I was like focused, focus a little bit too much. Like that was, I feel like it was, I was just focused on like making sure like I go to school, like I graduate, like I um have like a good paying job so I can support myself and my my future family. But I think that was a little bit too extreme. Like the way I took it was like a little bit too extreme. Like I should have had a little bit of a more soft girl versus like the hard life. I I didn't have that in-between where I was just like focused. Um and I think I became more focused of like making sure I focus on my like career and like going to college. Um, when I lost my mom at 16. So I lost my mom, of course, at a young age. So that really made me like, girl, you gotta focus. Like, you know, you don't have a parent, so like make sure that you you have, you know, you you get your education. And I remember like in high school, um, I was dating this one, this one boy. And I was considered him a boy. We were in high school, and I just remember like looking at him and seeing him as so like immature. I was like, you're not thinking about this, like you're so immature. But that was because like I was, in my opinion, like too mature for my age. Um, and now that I'm an adult, it's like that wasn't fair for him. Like it wasn't his fault that I had to grow up uh so fast. Like he was going through his motions as he should, and I just had to grow up a little bit too fast. But because I already had that mindset of like, oh, my future, my future, my future, because I had to grow up so fast. But it wasn't fair to him.

SPEAKER_02 7:27

Yeah, yeah, that makes sense, Linda. Because I was like, you have always been like really mature, but yeah, you guys were just in a different place, you know, you had different lived experiences, and so he didn't have that to push him, and you did. That's interesting, very interesting.

SPEAKER_00 7:44

Yeah, so I was focused to say I was focused. So to answer that question of uh career versus love, like which one comes first, or which one would you choose? Uh for me personally, it depends on the place I am in life. Um, like when I was building myself, the career came first. Um, because again, like I was focused, like in undergrad, I'm like, school, school, school. Like, I don't got time to be in a relationship. I need to focus on passing these classes. Like, I dated here and there, but it wasn't anything serious because I was just so focused. Um, and then I just felt too like the ones that were not in school, they didn't understand, which made it harder. But because my mindset was so focused on my career, I was like, Well, you're not focused, that's on you. But for me, this is not gonna work because you don't understand that I gotta wake up early because I I need to take this exam. But you want me to stay up super late to talk to you. So again, the career came first. Um, the career definitely came first. Um yeah.

SPEAKER_01 8:47

But do you think okay, so you're saying the career came first back then, right? Because I understand because you're building yourself up and all that. But what about right now? If a man, this is like hypothetically, if a man will come into your life right now and he's checking all the boxes, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, would you be going thirst career or you'll be going more thirst love?

SPEAKER_00 9:11

Well, right now that I because like I'm already set, like for me, I already had I already had like a checkbox. Like once I complete this, I can remove remove uh move on to like this, this. So I have my career out of the way. Like I'm working in my profession, I'm done with school, I'm not going back back to school. So if that were to happen today, I was like, um, well, I'm already set. So I would, I would choose my uh my my partnership over, not to say even over my career, because like you had mentioned, Kathy. Um, this profession is ghetto. Like at the end, they do not care about me. So if like I was with someone, I'm married, and they're like, oh, this, I I will probably choose my marriage over my damn career because the career does not care about me. Um, so again, like I would choose that, I will say marriage at this point. Because if I'm not married, uh you you coming after my career. Like in a dating phase, nah, no, sir. Like, what are you bringing to the table to make me?

SPEAKER_02 10:13

What if it's dating phase though? What if it's dating phase though? And like like Kathy said, they're checking all the boxes, like that you see, like you you feel like they could be your potential like fiance, husband.

SPEAKER_00 10:25

But what exactly are they wanting me to do regarding my career? Like leave it behind completely?

SPEAKER_02 10:31

No, no, heck no, because I I'm not gonna lie, even if they were my future husband, I would not do that, okay? Or if they were about to be my future husband, I would just I would no, but I'm just saying, like, what if you're just put in situations where you're like having to invest a little more time into your partner than your work?

SPEAKER_00 10:46

Oh, yeah, I will I will invest that time. I'll still continue my career, but also invest time because that's how you build, like that's how you date, and that's how you get to know each other. So I have to put in that time. Um, and I when I was in school and I was in nursing school, like I tried that. It was like very difficult trying to start a new relationship while being in school because the person that I will be talking to maybe wasn't in school and I didn't have enough time to spare. And I'm like, I my my schooling comes first. So maybe right now it's not gonna work out because you don't understand that I have to, I have to study. Um yeah, so I hope that answers your question.

SPEAKER_01 11:26

Kind of maybe, maybe it does. Yeah, it does, it does. And I ever I I true, I really remember that when you were like dating in nursing school because we were like we were studying, and then like sometimes we would have a study break, and then we start like talking about life. And then Linda's like, yeah, like they don't understand it. Like, I they don't understand, I have to be focused, like I have exams, I have this, and I was like, damn, that sounds rough. Like when I was listening to Linda, I'm like, it's rough because yeah, they don't understand it because they don't know how hard it is. Because I feel like, and correct me if I'm wrong, but sometimes people see nursing as like easy, um, and they don't see how hard it is. Like sometimes I feel like back the back it was seen as easy. Now we're starting to get a little bit more respect on the career that it's like it's not as easy as people think it is. So it's hard. Um, like I was I would when I was listening to her, I was like, Yeah, that must be hard trying to date and then trying to be at school and then trying to invest time because I feel like the dating phase is when, like, oh yeah, you hang up first. No, you hang up first, and then you're just like, Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 12:33

Yeah, no, it is definitely challenging.

SPEAKER_02 12:36

Follow up on that. So when you were dating in school, the people that you were dating were like, were they in the career? Were they still like, where were they? Just curious.

SPEAKER_00 12:46

So they were a lot of the times they were not, they were, I don't even think they were in school. I the one I the one one that I can think of, so some of them they're they're already in their careers, and then um this one in particular, he was not, I don't know what he had going for himself. Like I met him at a club and we were I was bored, so I'm like entertained him. But then I remember this one time, like I was studying for the NCLEX, and then we were like FaceTime, that's another thing. You want to talk all day. I was like, I don't got time for that. But I remember I was um studying for the NCLEX, and he was like working on like on face, and he was like FaceTiming me. He was like, Oh, you're studying a little bit too much, you don't need to study that much. And from then I was like, you don't understand, like you don't understand the hustle, you don't understand the grind because you've never been in this position. Um so that's too important of when you're trying to date dating someone that's within your that has a mindset, the same mindset as you, like who's also driven, not someone who just go day by day can wake up anytime they want. I don't know what that feels like. I I have to wake up at a certain time because I gotta go to work.

SPEAKER_01 13:54

But yeah. Yeah, and you touch up on on a really good uh point there. That like because like Carlos, he's a barber, so he's not in myself in my in my same sorry career field, but he gets it. He's like, Oh, okay, like you have to pull all nighters, okay. We pull all nighters. If you can't see me this week, okay, you can't see me this week. Like, you need to, I feel like you need to get someone that gets you and gets the whole the whole picture because it's easy to say, yeah, I get it, oh yeah, like work on it, but then they just gaslide you and then bam, they just want you to like give them all their time to themselves. So it's it that that's a very important point.

SPEAKER_00 14:34

Right, they really don't get it. They beat it until they they say, like, oh, you don't got time for me. You can't I can't do this, you can't go out. I was like, No, I can't.

SPEAKER_02 14:42

Yeah, yeah, yes, exactly. Like Kathy said, some people will be like, Yeah, no, I'm cool with it. Yeah, yeah, I know you're in school, but they don't really get it. Like, they don't understand the extent of the time and the commitment that it takes. But when you actually find a partner who who, you know, actually like has like their also goals and they're working towards what they want, I feel like it's it makes it a lot easier for them to understand where you're coming from and the fact that you may not be able to spend that evening and watch that movie with them, that you might have to actually just lock yourself away and go study and then maybe um uh push your date night to another week. Like it, you know, it it things like that have to happen to be successful, uh, both in your relationship and within your career.

SPEAKER_00 15:23

So yep, I agree. I agree. For me, I I feel like my challenge is now separating the not separating, balancing the career versus love thing that you know we're focusing on this episode. Because again, I feel like growing up, I was, you know, it was ingrained in me to get the education, focus on yourself. Like, you don't need a man to do X, Y, and Z. So now as an adult, uh, that's the only thing I can think of. I was like, I don't need a man, like I don't need you. If I want you, you'll be a like a plus in addition, but I don't need you. Um, so for me, like I am challenged challenging with having that balance, you know, being more soft, because yeah, girl, what they say now, like I'm I'm more masculine than than soft girl. And I'm like, damn, like I hate the word masculine, but I do feel like I'm more masculine than feminine. Um, because all my life, like, you know, growing up, I had to be masculine and not. I wasn't able to live the soft girl life that I I wanted, I want to live now as an adult. So it is challenging of like trying to now move to like the soft girl era, and that's is not a switch that can change overnight. And I've been struggling with my soft girl era for years now. And a little, you know, as days go by, I step into my softness a little, little and little, but it's it's it's challenging, like having to break, like being so independent. Like even now, like I'm so, so independent. Um, and I remember like my my ex, and this was like maybe like four years ago at this point. Um, I feel like that was like the first serious, like serious relationship I was in. And like I had to learn so much out of that relationship, and I didn't realize how masculine I was until like I got into like a serious relationship because men in general, like they want to feel wanted, they want to feel needed, they want to want for you to depend on them. For me, it's like I'm not dependent on no one but God and myself. So that's the mindset like I went into the relationship with. And I just I remember him saying, like, oh, you you're just he said something basically like, I don't, I wonder, I feel like he called me um cold heart, like I have a cold heart or something like that. Because like I just did everything on my own. It's like I I don't need I can build this. I might I can do this on myself, like I don't need you to do it, I can do it myself. But instead of I needed to learn, like allow him to do it. Though I can do it myself, just allow him to do it because that's something he wants. So that's what I'm struggling with now. I'm struggling.

SPEAKER_02 18:04

Yeah, it's hard, obviously, because you live your life for in one way for so long. It's just hard to switch that up. I do believe um you are you do like irradiate that more like um masculine as or you know what I'm a fainty princess? I don't want to be a I do, I do. Um stop but I'm like I guess my question was what steps have you been making to try to live more of that soft girl um energy? Um is there anything you've been doing? Have you noticed a change? And has it affected your relationships or your dating life in any way?

SPEAKER_00 18:55

Good question, because dating has been very, very difficult. Like dating like has been difficult. Um I still have my like non-negotiables. Um but uh it is it's been challenging, but I am trying. I'm trying to to be more soft, girl. I feel like once maybe that'll be a good follow-up question once I actually get into a relationship, like a serious relationship. Right now, and it's just I talk to someone maybe for a few weeks and it just goes down the drain because it's not it's difficult out here in these streets. Um so I it's difficult for me to answer that question because I have not been like in a serious relationship where I need it to be soft, but that doesn't just that doesn't per just pertains to like relationship, male relationship. It comes up like in friendships and just like relationships, patonic relationships as well. Um, and that you know, I've been I've been I've been a little bit more open. I've been talking about my feelings a little bit more, and to me that's that's soft because girl, when you called me the other day and you started talking, I was like, wow, she's actually opening up.

SPEAKER_02 20:04

It's like wow. I was like, let me just be quiet.

SPEAKER_00 20:09

Exactly. Like just take it in, because you know, you know, you don't really get that many moments. So I have been more like open with my my emotions and just open with my life more. Um, you know, there's still some things, of course, like I'm grounded with, but I do feel like for the most part, since I started therapy two years ago, I have been more just open. And that's very soft. That's very soft of me. Um, even with this podcast, you know, listeners, y'all would not know anything about my life because it's like I'm very private and I'm very reserved. But yes, I have been I've been trying to be a little soft girly. I've been I'm trying my best. I'm trying, it's hard. I'm used to being Joanna Man, but it's hard.

SPEAKER_01 20:52

Yeah, I I've been able to see that too. And I was like, do I say something? Do I don't? Because it's kind of like if I say something, is she gonna get scared away and then go back to herself? So I'm like, because even like hugging, hugging-wise, she's more huggable now.

SPEAKER_00 21:10

You talking about hugging. Okay, I'll let you finish that comment. Go ahead.

SPEAKER_01 21:13

Listen, Linda, I've been working in progress too. I'm not saying I'm not a self-girl because I'm not a self-girl, but I'm working on it. Um, but yeah, I I've noticed that Linda is more like talking about her herself, talking about her feelings, um, more huggable. And I love that for you. And I see the change.

unknown 21:33

And yeah.

SPEAKER_00 21:35

Now you talk about huggable when you don't like giving people's hugs yourself. Um, so that's interesting. You talk about more huggable. When you girl, you're not gonna be able to do it.

SPEAKER_01 21:43

Well, yeah, but I feel girl, I feel like when you okay, so there have been situations where you've been crying and you're like, Don't touch me. And then this time you're like, okay, you embraced it. So I was like, Okay, good.

SPEAKER_00 21:55

I still don't like being touched. I still when I'm crying and I'm trying to keep it together. Please do not touch me because I never learn together.

SPEAKER_01 22:06

I never learn. I say, Eff it, you need this. And then I hugged her.

SPEAKER_00 22:12

I was like, I can't embrace, embrace this hug. Yeah, no, it's it's funny because even at work, it'll be a future way little down the line life update. But I remember at work, um, one of my coworkers, she's like, Can I give you a hug? I was like, do not touch me. Like, not right now, not here. You can wait like after work because I'm like, I'm trying to keep it together right now. Are you trying to give me a hug? Like, absolutely not. Um, but yeah, so soft girl. And then I I did want to go back and comment on what you did mention earlier too, Kathy, of like your upbringing, how like in the household you were like growing up as like machiste, like, you know, the the women stay home while the males go, the the husbands go to work and bring home the money, and you know, women's there, you have to cook clean and take care of the kids. In my household, again, it was um a little bit different because you know, my mom was like, girl, like you make sure you have things on your own. You don't want to be dealing with this, this, and that. You know, that make sure you have your own money so you can leave. Unfortunately, you know, back then the the gen, the baby, the baby boomers and everything. What baby boomers and what gen X comes before millennials, um, whatever it is, I feel like each generation, basically, millennials, really millennial millennials, like we like learn to like not continue like the mindset of just being at home taking care of the family, because there's more more women that goes to college, have a career for themselves where they don't have to stay in um situations where they don't want to be in. Back in the day, baby baby boomers they didn't have that that opportunity because they didn't go to school, they had multiple babies where they had to stay in situations that they didn't want to, because it's like when I leave with all these kids, then what? So kind of it was like back then it was a little bit easier for them. So, because of that, that that history, that trauma history, I feel like that's too the reason why like my mom was like, make sure you have things of your own so you don't have to depend on a man. Like if you're not happy in a relationship per se, um you can you can leave. Um but career versus love. Career versus love. I would I would choose back then, I would choose my career. Now I would choose love in my career. Like honestly, if my if I have my husband, you know, because I'm gonna have a husband. If my husband wanted to leave my career, he better have a career that can sustain the whole family plus generations on because it's like we ain't gonna be bums together. If I leave my career, are we gonna be stable? So that's more so for me. It's like, will we be okay if I drop my career and like focus on whatever you want me to focus on?

SPEAKER_02 25:05

Hold that thought. Stay tuned for next week's episode.

SPEAKER_01 25:09

Thanks for listening to this episode of PD3 with your hosts Linda, Jasmine, and Kathy. Make sure you like, comment, and subscribe at a putting dose of three so that you never miss an episode and your weekly dose.