Ep. 160: Love vs Career (Part 3)

In this episode, Linda and Jaz are in the hot seat. Jaz goes into detail about how she has made it work with her fiancé and how she manages both her love life and her career. She also shares tips for people in similar situations on how to successfully balance both.

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Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:04

You're now listening to a pot in dose of three with your hosts Linda, Jasmine, and Kathy, and we're here to bring you your weekly dose.

SPEAKER_01 0:24

Welcome back. This is a continuation of last week's episode.

SPEAKER_00 0:33

The reason why, like my mom was like, make sure you have things of your own so you don't have to depend on a man. Like if you're not happy in a relationship per se, um you can you can leave. Um but career versus love. Career versus love. I would I would choose back then I would choose my career. Now I would choose love in my career. Like honestly, if my if I have my husband, you know, because I'm gonna have a husband. If my husband wanted to leave my career, he better have a career that can sustain the whole family plus generations on, because it's like we ain't gonna be bums together. If I leave my career, are we gonna be stable? So that's more so for me. It's like, will we be okay if I drop my career and like focus on whatever you want me to focus on?

SPEAKER_01 1:22

I have a question. I know that would be like down the line, but I just it's a hypothetical. When you do begin to have kids, um, are you thinking about staying with them at least for the first year? Or you're just like up and running, have them and then just get them to daycare and then like go up on your life, or like what are your thoughts on that?

SPEAKER_00 1:46

Girl, I barely want to work now. So I'm hoping I do not want to work right now. As is, I have a multiple life updates to give you, but I do not want to work now. Like, I love what I do, and but I would prefer to be at home and then go into work whenever I want to. Um, but to answer your question, I would love if I'm able to, and the goal is to hopefully, you know, to be able to, I would love to be at home for a few months with my my baby, like with my kids. Um, and then like I would love to be one of the parents that can basically be at home, do what it, you know, do what they want. And then when it's time for the kid to go to school, like TK, like four years old, and then like start working. But this is America. We live in California. That's very hard to do. It's not, and not to say it's not realistic, but my future husband would need to be making a whole lot of money, especially living in California. Like that's that's very la la land speaking for me to want to start working when my kid is like four. Um, but I would love to stay at home, at least for the first four months, um, and then uh go back to work. Like, God, I don't I don't want to work now. So if I was rich and I had the opportunity, I would not, I would stay home with my kid until four. We'll be traveling somewhere. Okay, so I'm just gonna throw out a question, another hypothetical.

SPEAKER_02 3:12

But if you had to choose between being at the peak of your career but coming home to an empty house or having a mediocre job, but feeling deeply fulfilled in your life, which one of these do you think would feel more sustainable or just, you know, which one of these would you prefer?

SPEAKER_00 3:28

I'm sorry, can you repeat that again? I didn't know it was gonna go for that long.

SPEAKER_02 3:34

Basically, if you had to choose between being at the peak of your career but coming home to an empty house versus um having a job that maybe you're not as fulfilled in, but you feel like happy in your home life, which one of these uh would you prefer?

SPEAKER_00 3:51

Yeah. So that is, I like that question. I like that question. And it does my response, it's it goes based on like time, like me having to been like working as a nurse practitioner for over a year now. Um, I would choose the second one. Um, you know, having a job that may not be fulfilling for and then um coming home to a happy home because um working as a provider for a year, like a year and a half, it's been difficult. Like it's been like career-wise, it has been very challenging. Where it's like uh I don't not say okay, I like working as a provider, but I would want to choose happiness over any and everything. Um, and I feel that I feel like because too, because I was so focused and so structured throughout my life, like I waited, you know, I had to, you know, go to school, I had to graduate, I had to get the career before like I focused on dating. And I feel because I was just so rigid and and focused that like now I'm like I'm 33, I'm trying to now find love, trying because I I do want a family. I'm like, I'm 33. I was like, damn, you're gonna be have a geriatric pregnancy. So a part of me, and it's normal now for women to have kids later on in life because we we we went to school, we got you know, we're in our careers, but I do find it, find it more challenging to date where I'm at now. Like if I was like in my early 20s, maybe the race of the relationship didn't work, but at least I would have gone through like hopefully it would have. I don't know what I'm trying to say, like it's challenging already to be at the like be in my career and not having like quote unquote love. Um, so that's the reason why I would choose the second one of not fulfilling career versus yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 5:54

I totally get you though, because for me, for me, I feel that you can have everything and not have nothing. Like if you don't have anyone to share it with, to me, it means nothing. So that's personally why I would choose the you know, the mediocre job or whatever, because I don't know. I'm I've always been like really into love and things like that. Like I'm I'm a I'm a I'm a soft girl, okay?

SPEAKER_00 6:18

You really have you you really are definitely a soft girl. I'm a soft girl. You a soft girl. That sounds like for me speaking, someone who has who has more masculine energy and like now and after, I'm like, I'm set in my career and just how challenging it is to find love. I was like, oh, I think I'd rather I'd rather I'd rather choose love and happiness over a career where it's ghetto out here that don't give a crap about me. Because though I want I though I love this career, it's like just a career and it does not define like my whole life. So like my personal life, I would I would want to have love and happiness.

SPEAKER_02 6:55

And to be honest, I do want to like tell like the listeners, like I like the one thing I I think is like you don't have to choose. I think you can have it both. Like I really do think you can have it both. Is it like really hard to get it? Yeah, like it's not gonna be easy. You like I I mean I went to a wedding recently, right? And it was like it clicked in me. Like I I'm always so like motivated to to study because I love what I'm doing, not because I have to. I mean, I do it because I also love it. Like I love learning, I love what I'm you know, uh learning about. But in the wedding, they were talking about how like you the way you put into your career, the way you put into uh to like your your learning, especially like as a med student, you also have to do that in your relationship. Like you have to put in that work. It's not just like it's not gonna come easy, it's not gonna be like so simple, like it takes a lot of work. It like it it's kind of like you like the amount of time you invest into studying, you should also invest into your relationships.

SPEAKER_00 7:58

Um I agree, I agree. Um, and then that was like hypothetically speaking for the response, like Jasmine. I do believe you could have both. Um, because I've seen um people have both. Um, but it like Jasmine said, you gotta treat sometimes the dating phase, the the when you're dating the beginning stages, for me speaking, you do have to treat it like a career, like a job. And that's too what I'm struggling with. Because I'd be tired after work, but now I gotta hope try to have a conversation. Like, oh my god, like this is a lot. And that's too me being masculine. If my little if I was a little more soft girl, I would, you know how girls be, because you know, I don't relate, though I'm a woman, I don't relate. But you you lose sleep to try to cupcake on the phone with somebody. Me, I'm tired. I'm tired. I was like, do I really want to entertain this? But I I do need to I need to have a balance. I do need to have a balance where like if I'm serious about a relationship, I have to put in that time because if I don't put it on time, like realistically, it ain't gonna happen. But I may have an update on it. I don't want to speak too soon, but uh yeah, yep.

SPEAKER_02 9:07

Yeah, hold on to that, hold on to that. We definitely wanna hear that, but no, it it definitely does take a lot of work, and um I think also like I think everything it's like it's not so clear cut, right? It's not like you choose this, you choose this. I feel like everything it just depends on your partner. Like if the person that you're dating, are they are they like okay with the amount of time you're investing into your job, but also like you have to give back, right? So you like also like make sure you invest into that relationship going on dates, like Kathy said. I like you said, everything's a balance. Um, there is no one way to to do it.

SPEAKER_01 9:47

So Jess. Well, first of all, I am very eager to hear that update from Linda, I guess later. But um, Jess, you're talking about balance and all this. So, was it hard for you to get into that balance? Like, give us a backstory, walk us through it, how it happened, how have you been working on it?

SPEAKER_00 10:09

Yeah, agreed. I want to hear your view on love versus career. Like, what does that look like for you?

SPEAKER_02 10:18

For me, it's always a work in progress. Like, I feel like you're never gonna really have it fully balanced. It's always like a give and take, right? If I am studying so hard, um I might not be able to spend as much time with my partner, but definitely like communicating with my partner has been very helpful. So, like being like, Okay, like what do you want to do? Like, what do you want to do on his day off, right? Like, let's say his day off is Thursday. I'm like, what do you want to do Thursday? Do you want to spend it in the evening or in the morning? Um, because if you want to spend the evening, like I will wake up early and study, so by the time evening comes, I can invest and like fully relax, knowing that I've done what I needed to do, but also like now I feel like I can um, you know, be there and be present in our date night or whatever. So it's just like communicating what we want and what we need with each other. Is it perfect? No, sometimes I feel like I'm a bad fiance and I'm not paying attention to him, but I also feel supported by him when when I told him, like, hey, I'm sorry, I haven't been investing as much time into you. He's like, Don't worry, like, I know you're busy. We'll plan out a date. So I think just communicating, hey, I feel bad I haven't been able to spend time with you, I want to, and then him communicating, like, don't worry, or you know, yeah, you haven't been investing as much time. Can we have the date night? Or things like that. Because I feel like communicating is super important because I'm not able to read his mind, and he's not able to read my mind because we don't have 16 years, Kathy. No, just kidding. But yeah, communication and just like trial, trial and error, I think, has been really helpful.

SPEAKER_00 12:02

I think it's easier said than done. I think it's easier said than done. Um, but you make it a little make it look a little bit more easier because I know you don't live with your your with Jonathan. You don't live with your fiance. Like you're in school living in a different city, and I know that he commutes to see you like basically every weekend. How has that relationship been for you? Like, how has your relationship been for you when you made like that switch? Because someone like me, I was like, that would be difficult. Like not being able to be with like my partner every day, only seeing him once or every other week. Give the listeners like I want to hear your advice. Like, how are you doing? And like give advice to like someone who possibly has to do the same.

SPEAKER_02 12:48

That's actually a really good question because it was a big transition, right? We went from fully living with each other, seeing each other every day to now not seeing each other every day. And in the beginning, it was really hard, especially because I'm a soft girl and I feel like I needed him. Um, but it was actually sort of a blessing in disguise. And the reason why I say that is because I that like the days he's not here, I will go super hard on my schoolwork so that the days that he is here, I'm not as um deep in the books, you know. Um, and so I think that has been really helpful because if he's here, like I just want to hang out with him. I just want to, oh, let's do this, let's go, let's go to Dyso. Let's go to, I don't know, let's go, let's go to Jomba Jews. I don't know. I I just want to like go and do stuff, but when he's not here, I know that I just need to focus on making sure that I get my work done. So by the time that he comes, I'm able to um actually spend quality time with him. So I think it's been kind of a blessing because I feel like it's gotten me more focused on the days he's not here. But it also was really sad in the beginning because it I mean, again, right, you get we're I feel like we're creatures of habit. We're so used to like what we're used to. So I was used to being with him every day, and it was a little depressing in the beginning um not seeing him. But I think FaceTime, thank goodness for Apple and FaceTime, so we can actually see each other's faces, um, has been really helpful too. So if anyone's ever like in that position where they, you know, are having that change where they're not like living with their partner anymore, or it's like completely different what than what they're used to. I think just communicating with each other what you need and also being proactive, like knowing that they're not gonna be there and just getting your work done so by the time you are able to see them, you're able to fully invest like into that. I think.

SPEAKER_00 14:47

Yeah, see, I love that. I love me some Jonathan. And I and that's a great example of having a um a supportive partner, uh, because it's you know, he could easily be like, Oh, you're spending too much time focusing on, you know, med school. But he's very supportive, he's been supportive from the beginning, like he'll go to war with you. I feel like if you have a supportive partner, it makes the transition easier because they will be more so uplifting you and pushing you to complete your goals, like making sure you have some things for yourself. Um, and then I've seen the other side where uh the partner may not be so supportive and it makes the whole like focusing on your career, focusing on like schooling way more difficult because they don't understand and they're not supportive. Like Jonathan, he has a completely different career than you, but he's still supportive. Like he's not telling you, like, oh, you're spending like too much time doing this, but he's supportive. So that's very important, listeners, to find someone who's supportive. Like, they should not be making your life more stressful, they should be agreeing pushing you.

SPEAKER_02 15:51

No, you're right. Because I already, and I'm sure you feel the same way, Kathy. Like, I already feel so hard on myself that I'm not able to give them the time that I used to give them. It's really hard. But you have to do what you have to do. And um, if I'm already like so hard on myself, and my partners are like, yeah, you don't spend time with me, how am I gonna feel? You know? So yeah, it definitely makes a difference, and I think it even pushes you to be better. Like, what are ways that I can be better, you know, not only for my for my professional life, but like for my my personal relationship? So yeah.

SPEAKER_01 16:28

So uh you say you are a lover, like you were more for love and all that. Uh, was there a time in your relationship with Jonathan um that you're like kind of especially at the beginnings? Because I feel like at the beginning of you guys' relationship, I think you were going to I think you were going to school. Correct me if I'm wrong, but you were going to school. And then the for the the beginnings where you want to be with that person the whole time and talk to them the whole time. When the beginning, was there a time that you were kind of like more focused on love than in school, or you always try to like balance it out?

SPEAKER_02 17:09

That's a really good question, Kathy. I think there is um a trend in this group where our families prioritize education. I was also told that you know education is the one thing no one can ever take from you. They can take your money, they can take whatever, right? But they cannot take what's in here. And so for me, that's always been like um something that I've like led with. And I really love learning. Um so for me, I always have put school, you know, at at like as my priority. Um in terms of like when we were first dating, I I was honestly, I I was like kind of nervous because I was like, wow, like he's not like this is I've never dated someone who's not in healthcare. I don't know how it's gonna work. Like, I don't know that this might be too much for them, right? I didn't I wasn't sure if like the amount of time that I invested into school was too much for that person to take. Cause like Linda says, a lot of people are not used to that and it it can it can throw them off. Um did I ever like go from that? I don't think so. I think I just always put school in front, but I also try to make sure like that to let him know, like, hey, like although I'm like studying and blah blah, like I am thinking of you today, what are you doing? So, like again, balance, right? So, like just sending him a message, like, hey, I am thinking of you. What are you gonna do today? Um, this is what I'm doing today. Uh, just kind of to keep that line of communication open, even though I'm so busy with school.

SPEAKER_00 18:45

And listeners, it may not sound easier, it may sound easier said than done because Jasmine, she has like, I don't know about Jasmine, I joke about this with her all the time. She just has something like a natural, like aura natural something where these people just fall in love. So you may it may not be a straightforward journey like Jasmine is saying, when your man will come and see drive every weekend to see you and then have drive back to work. But it's uh you have to um find someone that supports you. Definitely find someone that supports you.

SPEAKER_02 19:18

Yeah, I mean, I think I got lucky, to be honest. I think I got lucky. Um, but also I feel like if I was in a situation where I like felt like my partner was making me choose between an like my school and the amount of time if I genuinely felt like I was doing my best to balance it, I would definitely like choose my school because someone who cares about you, right, is going to make sure that you're you're always like trying to learn and grow and and be the best the best version of yourself. Like I want my partner, I want a partner who wants me to be my best, but similarly, I want my partner to be their best, and the only way that we can do that is if in we if we invest in ourselves. So um I would say that when choosing a partner, if you feel like it's causing more harm, like then like if if you feel like they're not as supportive, um I don't know, maybe you might want to rethink if that relationship is right for you. If you guys are in you know different stages of your lives, if you have different um goals in your life.

SPEAKER_00 20:36

So that was that was really good. Um, Kathy, because I feel like Jasmine, you did a perfect way to like close and like end your views on things that coming from someone who's in school and also in a relationship. So I don't know how since I'm not in a relationship, I ain't gonna comment on this. But Kathy, on the other hand, how what advice would you give listeners who's are trying to balance like the two? Um just like any, just any any little gems. I'll give my little two cents at the end because I don't got so much to say.

SPEAKER_01 21:11

Communication. Like literally communication. Like, I feel like that's what has been working through my relationship, through everything that we've been going through. Because again, it's not like oh everything is perfect and rainbows. No, it's not. But if you speak up and there is always communication, I feel like you could work three things out. Because if I speak up and I feel a certain way and I tell him to him, it's like and if he like um listens to it and he's like, Okay, yeah, no, I know, I've seen that too. Then we could both bring to like a solution, or vice versa. When he speaks up and then I'm receptive to the information that he's giving me, then I'm like, Yeah, no, you're right. Like, I just been kind of like, you know, not invested in the relationship, whatever. So Sorry. And I've noticed that and I don't like to like um I guess compare my rel my relationship to other relationships because everybody is so different. But like when people ask me, especially family-wise, when they ask me about advice and everything, and I'm like, I can't I can't really give you advice because I'm more like I communicate with my partner and tell him everything how I feel, and he tells me everything how he feels, and then we compromise and then we come with absolution. Um, so I've and I've noticed that a lot of people that come to me for couple advice is because they don't communicate, so they're having all these issues because they don't communicate because you kind of keep everything in. And that's one thing that I've learned with my relationship because with life, and I feel like with other type of relationships, I do type of like I keep things in and then I just go off after like I'm fed up with it. But with my love life, I've learned that it's not okay to just like kind of like keep everything in and then blow off because then it's not fair for the other person. How is he gonna know that I was pissed off two months ago because he didn't do this? Like he won't he won't know until I say something. So all like all the like let him figure it out. No, no, bro, don't let him figure it out. You say it. So I so I feel like the main thing is here, like communication and just just talk it out, talk it out. Like just communication is it's important, and I don't even know how much I could highlight it, but it's very important so you could succeed in your relationship.

SPEAKER_02 23:29

So important, Kathy. So important, because like that's a thing with me. Like I communicating that you're hurt, communicating can be uncomfortable, right? Like it's not a comfortable feeling to be like, hey, this is how I feel, like you hurt me. Like it's not it's not it doesn't feel comfortable, but like you said, if you don't communicate that, like they're not mind readers. Um how are they supposed to know they did this or they did that or they hurt you, right? And so you cannot ever fix it because that wall is always there because you you're not talking about it. So, yes, communicating is so uncomfortable, but if you ever want anything resolved, highly recommend it. And I'm still learning, right? Because I'm like you, like like you said, Kathy, like I will hold it in, I will hold it in until like yeah, and then I'm like, you know, so and I'm working on that. I'm working on not holding it in. I'm working on okay, no, you should tell him you are hurt. So it's a work in progress, but you're right, Kathy. Communication, I think, is the main thing um to a successful relationship.

SPEAKER_00 24:41

Yes, and I would like to close it off for my masculine girlies like me. Um, for all my masculine girlies, you do not have to be in survival mode the whole time. I know it's easier said than done, but uh you you can be you can you can step into your soft girl era. I know it's gonna be a little, it's it's gonna be challenging because you're just so used to surviving and having to be be in survival mode. But in life in general, not like in a relationship, um, but if you do find someone that you, you know, you you see you're you're a little interested in, just slowly um take down those walls slowly by slowly so you can let that person in. You don't have to have that wall up all the time. Yes, still protect yourself because regardless, you you know, you need to protect your heart. But if you see something in someone that you know is someone who is safe, it's okay to let the down those walls again. You don't have to be in survival mode. You have fought for all these years. Now it's time to live in your era to let others do for you. Again, it doesn't even have to be in a relationship, it can just be in friendships, society. You coming out of the store, someone asks, Oh, do you want me to hold those groceries for you? You want me to hold those bags? Let him let them just start saying yes instead of no because you do not have to do everything on your own. You did it for long enough. Now let other people do it for you. My little masculine girlies. It's okay to be kind of masculine, but let's stop step into our soft girl era. Anyways, thank you guys so much for listening. I hope that you got something out of this episode of Love versus Career. I'm so extra. But anyway, see you next week. Thank you for listening. Bye. Bye. Bye.

SPEAKER_01 26:29

Thanks for listening to this episode of PD3 with your hosts Linda, Jasmine, and Kathy. Make sure you like, comment, and subscribe at a put in dose of three so that you never miss an episode and your weekly dose.