Detecting Lies and Dishonesty

In this powerful episode of Improving Your Thoughts by Freeing Yourself, Alaila Carroll explores one of the most important skills in dating and relationships—learning how to detect lies and dishonesty early.
Many people ignore subtle warning signs when someone is not being truthful. Sometimes the clues are small: a story that keeps changing, behavior that doesn’t match words, or a feeling in your spirit that something isn’t right. In this episode, Alaila breaks down how to recognize the verbal, behavioral, and emotional signs that someone may not be telling the truth.
You’ll learn how to identify common deception patterns, why people lie in relationships, and how dishonesty can slowly erode trust if it goes unchecked. Alaila also shares practical strategies to help you ask better questions, trust your intuition, and establish healthy boundaries when something feels off.
If you want to protect your heart, your peace, and your future, learning to recognize dishonesty is a powerful skill. This episode will help you sharpen your awareness so you can build relationships based on truth, integrity, and emotional safety.

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Transcript

Welcome And The Role Of Intuition

SPEAKER_00 1:17

Welcome back to Improving Your Thoughts by Freeing Yourself. I'm your host, Elaita Carol, and today we're talking about something we've all faced at some point in dating. How to detect lies and dishonesty. Have you ever had a feeling that something wasn't right, but you couldn't prove it? You didn't have evidence, you didn't have facts, you just had a feeling that's your intuition that is talking to you. Today's episode is about helping you trust your perception, recognizing patterns, and understanding the sub the subtle ways dishonesty shows up, especially in dating. Because lies in dating don't always look dramatic. They often look small, they sound reasonable, they feel confusing, but I want you to know by the end of this episode, you will know the most common ways people lie, behavior signs of dishonesty, verbal accuse that something doesn't add up. How to check consistency without accusing. That's one of the biggest problems us, we people, we people, I'm talking about men and women, with that we have. We always want to accuse before we actually have the facts. Whenever I find out information about someone that I trusted, and I realize that this person has been lying to me this entire time, I get angry and I be ready to explode and do something. Now the old me that's for real, the old me would do something, and that's part of my growth that I had to learn to stop retaliating because somebody lied to me or found out the truth about someone and then it wasn't right. I used to love getting the kick out of exposing them, and now I realize as I've gotten older, it ain't even worth my time or my energy to expose them. It's a lot better for me to just learn to walk away from situations, and when I walk away, I've learned and I've witnessed what happens to them after they usually go downhill, like plunge, and to a point to where it's like, hey, it is what it is. I'm just thankful that I didn't go downhill with you. So anyway, I want to let's get in, let's get into it. So let's talk about what dishonesty really looks like. When most people think about lying, they think about big lies like a fake name, fake job, fake lives. But in dating, dishonesty usually shows up as half-truths, omission. That's a big part, not telling you everything, leaving things out. It also shows up as story changing, they don't keep the same storyline, emotional manipulation and avoidance. Because even though you avo telling the truth, doesn't mean that you're not being truthful, doesn't mean that you're being honest. Because when a person is avoiding, they already know that you need to know this information, but they're keeping it from you. And whenever you figure it out and you say you lied to me, the first thing they say is, I didn't lie to you, I just didn't tell you. Well, that's the same thing as lying because you omitted what was needed to be said about whatever that situation is. Okay, a lie doesn't always mean someone says something false. Sometimes it means they don't say something important. See what I'm saying? You must say it if it's important. For example, not telling you they're still married. Now you know good and well, a person's supposed to know that you're married, even if y'all have been separated for 20 years. If you haven't gotten a proper divorce, the way you got a proper wedding, a proper vow, you set your vows in front of man and guy. Come on now, then you also have the you have to tell the person that you're still married because you are. Give them the opportunity to be able to make up their mind if they want to deal with a married man or a married woman, they need to know, don't take that opportunity away from them. Also, for example, not telling you they still live with their ex. A lot of people who do this kind of thing, they break up with their ex, but yet they still live together, it's usually be for two reasons. Financial, they don't they cannot afford to live on their own, or they don't want to deal with child support. So as long as they're living in the house with the person, they can keep the child support off of them. That is a messy situation. I mean, so messy to the point where if you ever encounter someone who said they live with their ex, please leave that person alone because they're going to give you a heartbreak. You are the you are the one who's gonna get hurt. The ex don't care, whoever that person is, they don't care because they're getting what they want. That's the reason why they're allowing the person to still stay there because they're getting what they want out of out of the person that you're dating. You on the other hand, you'll never get exactly what you want, even if you was to be able to get them to move out of the house with their ex and move in with you, you're gonna find the reason why that person became their ex. And you don't want to discover that in that way, because now you gotta figure out a way to get them out of your house. Don't do that. The minute you find out that this person is still living with an ex, and the key word is ex. Come on now, they gotta they gotta go. Don't don't stick around with that. Run for the heels, you know. Don't look back, all right. And then also, here's some more example not telling you that they are in financial trouble. Yeah, it's a big deal to know if a person need is in financial trouble. That's one of the things that I found out about my second husband. He was in financial trouble because he had back pay on child support. Crazy thing about it is that his children was grown with kids of their own. And the I mean, for real, even one of his sons was married, and I'm thinking, like, why are you still paying child support on a 30-year-old? Well, he had arrears that accumulated throughout the years of not paying, so he had to pay all that stuff, and he would not be honest with me about how much he actually owed. I had to discover the information on my own. I started searching around in his car because every time he would get mail, he wouldn't bring it in the house, he would throw it in the trunk of his car. And what he fell to realize was so what I would do was wait until I had the opportunity to go into the trunk. Now, what I did, I knew that it wasn't gonna be easy because he was guarding his keys like he was guarding everything else. Whenever a person is so uptight about something that shouldn't be, that is a red flag right there. So I was I told myself I'm gonna find out what what that mail is because I will see Attorney General on the on the letter, and I'm thinking, like, hmm, I'm gonna find out how much this dude really owes. And I did. Um, my car broke down, and I needed to use his car to go to work. Normally he would drop me off, but he was going out of town. I had booked him a flight to go back to see his mom. Of course, the car was gonna be still at the house, so I say, Look, I need to use your car to get to work and give me the keys. So that's how I was able to get into the trunk. I got into the trunk in his car, and I saw so much, I read so much, just letter after letter after letter about child support and how much he owes. He owes$78,000, man. I say that is almost a house. I mean, put a few more thousands on that, and that's a house. That's a mortgage, you know. That is a house, and I was thinking, like, damn, this dude. Problem is the reason why I'm teaching you guys this information because I told you I'm teaching from experience. If I had all this information that I'm teaching you guys, I would have saved myself so much time, and I would have saved myself my my beautiful youth when I was at the stage from 46 to 41. That age round, that round of age, I would have just said I would have gone traveled the entire world at that time because I didn't have no kids and nothing. I would have traveled the entire world during that time and just been out living my best life instead of worrying about getting into a relationship, being married, but I was going through a vulnerability, and which I'm gonna talk about in episode five, which is the next episode. I was going through a vulnerability, and that's how I got suckered into this relationship. I didn't use my best judgment, I was using my emotions. So, whatever it is that you guys are going through, I really am hoping that these this particular season, season 10, will help guide you guys on the right track on dating properly. All right, and another example too is not telling you they have children, so you know, I experienced not me personally, but one of my friends, she was dating a guy who had more children than he said he had, and I'm thinking to myself, why would he lie about the seed that came out of him? When a person does something like that, you have to question your motives, your reasons on why would you stick around with a person in this way, knowing that they are capable of lying about the very thing that comes out of them that they created and brought into the world. So please be careful with that as well. So I want you to know that that is still dishonesty. When a person don't tell you these things, it is still dishonesty. They're not being honest. Let me tell you about a woman named Renee. Renee met a man who said she that means who said he was single and divorced. He never technically lied to her about being single or divorced, but he also never told her that he still lived with his ex for financial reasons. Hmm. She found out later when he showed up, when she, I meant to say she showed up at his job where she saw his ex unexpectedly. It was not something that was planned. It was basically she went there for him for helping him with lunch or whatever, and the ex had already showed up, and that's how she found out about this guy, was still involved with his ex, even though they was not married and he was single, still involved with her, you know. So that wasn't a misunderstanding. What it really was was that it was withholding the truth. He should have told her. And of course, most of the time, when people don't tell you is because they already know most smart people who are intelligent enough will not stick around. Just what it is. Not calling the person dumb and not smart if they stick around, but most people who are in their right mind consciously, they will not stick around. And withholding the truth is still deception. That you need to know. You need to know that it's still deception. So here's something important to understand: people who are dishonest usually aren't nervous about lying, they're nervous about getting caught. So instead of watching for anxiety, you want to watch for patterns. Patterns tell you more than words can. You're gonna ask yourself, do their story stay the same? Are they changing up on their stories? Do details shift? Pay attention to the details. Do timeline changes? First they told you it was for a week. Now they tell you it's a month, or they say it's three days. Yeah, do that change? Do uh answers become vague over time? Like basically, it's not the same. What you wanna do, you wanna trust you wanna stay steady. You wanna see if the questions that you're asking lines up with what they're saying, and is it steady? So lies, yeah, you have to manage them, but the truth doesn't have to be managed at all, it stays the same. And managing lies, oh my goodness, it takes so much energy to manage lies. That's why I've chosen not to be a liar. I ain't got time to try to figure out what I said to you last week about the same question that you're asking me again. I just don't have that kind of energy yet. Um especially at my age, my brain is like, I don't even remember what I did yesterday, let alone try to remember what the heck that I told you about a situation. So I'm not finna sit here and make up no story. I'm gonna tell you the truth because this is exactly what happened. This is what it is. Now, hey, I deal with the consequences. I've been doing that my entire life. When I was a little girl, I remember actually not even a little girl, when I became a teenager, at the age of 17. This is when my rebellious stage really kicked in. It was already in bloom when I was 15, but in full force by the time I turned 17. I got to a point where I got so sick and tired of trying to hide things from my mom, to where I just started doing them in the open. Like, I don't even care. It's whatever. I'm gonna deal with the consequences anyway. So, how about I just go ahead and have a good time and have fun, and then when it's over with, I go ahead and deal with the punishment. That's how I I end up doing things, and that's the way I am now to this day. If I feel like I'm not going to be able to get what I actually am trying to get out of a person, and I'm talking about if I tell you, here's a better example. So, like with my husband, if I know for a fact if there's something that I want to do and he's gonna have an issue with it, I'm not gonna ask him. I'm just gonna say, Look, babe, this is what's going on, and this is what I'm planning on doing. And he'll be like, ha ha ha ha ha ha. Hell, okay, well, I know I can't talk you out of it, so let me just say this. And I'm like, Okay, go ahead and say what you're gonna say. And he said what he's gonna say, and I say, Alright, so here's a good example. Better than this one. So this past week, I went to the rodeo. So we have a rodeo in Houston. I went to the rodeo, and when I was there, I had a great time. But before I went, I want my mother to go. My mother, like I told her, she's in Houston, so I wanted to go pick her up from my aunt's house and then bring her to the rodeo. My my husband was like, Is that a good idea? And I like, why not? I already told her that I was gonna take her, and she's ready. She got a cowboy hat on, boots and everything. She's ready, so what are you talking about? And he was like, I just don't think this is a good idea. And I was not a good idea of me taking my mom. And he's like, It's not even just you taking your mom, it's about the timing that you're going. I'm not feeling like it's a good idea because the timing that I was leaving, by the time I would have go pick her up, because she went to the um a senior citizen place first with her sister, and by the time that was over with, it was gonna put me at a later time that I would normally go. I usually go to the to the rodeo and the carnival during daylight hours. I never really be out there dark. Once it started turning dark, I normally leave. Well, it was opposite this time. He was like, I don't like y'all out there at night. I don't feel like that's safe. I don't like it. And I said, Okay, well, babe, it's either gonna be that I'm gonna have to do that now, or I'm gonna have to wait till Friday. And if I had to wait till Friday, it's gonna be a long time. It might be raining, it's been raining all this week. I finally got a time where it's not raining. Can I go? Like, come on, it's not a big deal. Oh man, I went and picked my mom up. My son and I, my mom went to the rodeo. We had a marvelous time, it was so freaking fun. I videos and all that stuff, and um then what I'm happening when I came back to my car, my window was busted out. Somebody had broken to my car. I at first I thought it was a dream. I'm like, uh, this is not real, but then I was like, nah, this is really real, like it hit me like a whole situation. Like, come on. I was like, I had to keep my calm because I really wanted to explode. That's how I know I have grown because I didn't explode or nothing. I was like, dang, man, this is just more money that gotta be spent, gotta get this window fixed. So they busted out my window and they took my mother's purse. I do not I do not, I never keep anything in my car, I always keep it empty because I've been through a situation before where someone stole stuff out of my car. So I'm like, I'm not gonna do any of that. But my mom brought her purse with her, which I wish that I would have figured out a better way to hide that purse, and they busted in and took the purse. Man, I'm telling you, I was so upset. My blood was boiling. I wanted to scream and let out all types of profanity, but I didn't. I ended up calling the police and they put me on hold, and I was on hold for so long, two hours passed, you guys. Who be on hold for two freaking hours? I just hung up and I said, I'm done. I'm not even finna worry about it. I'm gonna go ahead and go home, and I'm not even gonna call my husband because I don't want to even tell him because he's finna blow the hell up. So when I got home, I immediately started looking for um window replacements where I can get, you know, who how can I get my window replaced? I immediately saw doing that, and then eventually I found a place, and and they were supposed to come out the very next day, but then my window especially have to be specially made a certain window, and they was called and told me, Hey, I'm not gonna be able to do it, we're not gonna be able to do it, we gotta order this window and all this bullshit. So my husband finally called, Hey, how's it going? And I'm thinking, like, man, I gotta tell him that my window's busted because he's gonna see it when he gets home. So I was like, Well, everything is okay except for. I got my window busted open. And he was like, What? I mean, he went like, oh hell no. What were you parked at? And I told him where I parked at. He said, Oh no, I'm going out there. I'm going out there. I said, Babe, what you gonna do? He said, Don't worry about it. I'm going out there. If I see anybody out there busting in somebody's window, they're gonna have to deal with me. I'm like, oh my god. So he went out there. Can't tell him not to, right? He went out there and he looked around and he saw bags, other people's bags, purses, duffel bags, all types of people, medication. This woman's her medication, he um with her name on it, and other people walking around, and they cars was busted into. So it did make me feel better to know I'm I wasn't the only one. And then finally the police showed up and he talked to the police, and then he called me and put me online and on the phone, and I told the police what happened. Police came out to my house so he can take pictures and all that of my car, get my statement, and then so all I know is that he was right. I shouldn't listen to him. I didn't listen to him, I should have gone another day when it was actually daylight because we didn't actually leave the place until almost 11 o'clock at night. I mean, we was having such a good time, and I realized like what he said to me, you should have just waited, and he was so right, I should have just waited, and I didn't, so I had to deal with that. So that's the reason why I want to let you guys know you must figure out a way to communicate and figure out how to what is it that you're gonna do. Be honest straight up, don't hold things back because it does take a lot of energy to tell lies. It's just I just can't, I can't. So some people can they do it for a living, that's their profession, but not for me. So that is when you have to understand do I stay with this person or do I not stay with this person? So let's talk about behavior signs of dishonesty, like what behavior signs to look for, all right. Now, because behavior reveals more than language here is some behavior signs that dishonesty may be present. Number one, over explaining simple things. When someone gives long dramatic answers to simple questions, they might be trying to control the story. For example, instead of saying I was at work, just plain and simple, I was at work. You asked one little question, where were you? I was at work. That's it. Instead, they go on into this dramatic story, and they say, Well, you know, I was supposed to leave at five, but then my boss called me into his office, and then I had to deal with traffic, and you know that was terrible, and then oh my goodness, my phone died, and etc. etc. That's not always gonna be a lie, but it's a pattern to watch out for, so make sure you watch out for those type of patterns if it continues to occur. Sometimes you might be dealing with a person like my mother. My mother don't know how to just give a flat answer. You can ask her one question, and just like I just said, where were you? She's gonna go into a whole spiel of everything, and she be telling the truth, it's just she don't know when to just cut it off. Give me the answer and stop there. I have to a lot of the time just tell her, Mama, just just just tell me where you were. You ain't gotta tell me what happened, just give me your location. That's it. But if you got a person who is always seen to be sneaky, and are they not really lining up with what they say they were doing, then please watch out for the patterns, alright? Number two defensiveness instead of clarity. When asked a normal question, they respond with why are you asking me that? Don't you trust me? You're acting insecure. That's not an answer, that's deflection. And when a person is deflecting, they don't want to tell you the truth. That's why they're doing it. Healthy people answer questions, dishonest people attack the question. So pay attention to that. And then number three, in consistent availability. Yeah, this happens a lot when people are involved with other people, disappearing for long periods, no clear schedule, always vague about where they are. If someone's life feels like a mystery to you instead of a routine, that's a red flag. And then number four, avoiding certain topics, they won't talk about it, their past relationship, they won't talk about their living situation, their job in detail, like give me some information about your job, or even their family. If you cannot get those information out of a person, yeah, they're avoiding the information. There that's called avoidance. That's what that is called. Avoidance, okay. Number five, here's another behavior that you need to pay attention to sudden personality shifts. This is something that they're might be hiding. One day they're warm, next day they're cold, one day they're optimistic, next day they're distant. I mean, these are signs that you really gotta pay attention to because that emotional whiplash is a whiplash, it's just going back and forth. Woo-hoo-hoo. Come on now. It often comes from somebody managing more than one reality. Let me tell you about a man named Jerome. Jerome, Jerome. Jerome noticed that every weekend his date became unavailable. During the week, oh yeah, she would text him constantly. On the weekend, she went silent. Oh, I know some people like this too. They would go silent on the weekend and holidays and stuff like that. Even on their own birthday, they go silent. Like, oh man. When he casually asked her question, hey, how was your weekend? What did you do? She got irritated. Later, he found out that she was in a relationship with someone else. That was when he realized it was time to leave her alone. Because she couldn't be honest about her weekend. Like, you I don't even hear from you on the weekend, let alone I ask you a question, you can't even give me no information. You get upset. Why are you getting upset? I'm just asking the question. Yeah, because she was trying to avoid that, and instead, he was bringing it up. So you really don't need to always have proof, you just need to check the pattern. All right, patterns tell you everything about what's going on with a person. Patterns, it tells the truth, even when they're when even when words don't even explain it, alright. So let's talk about verbal cues and conversation tests because you can put people through some tests, and I want to talk about that. So now let's talk about what people say and how they say it. Here's a verbal clue that this honesty may be present. You have to pay attention to what you are hearing as well as what are they saying? Okay, number one, vague answers. Oh, I just do stuff that's a vague answer when you ask them. What is it that you do on the weekend? Oh, I just do stuff. Uh like, okay, you could have gave me more than just I just do stuff. I just do stuff too, but I just told you about my weekend and all the things that I did. Why can't you do the same? Or I move around. Okay, what do you mean you move around? Those are vague answers. I'm asking you a question. What is it? What do you like to do? Oh, I just like to move around and go places. So those are things that you want to also pay attention to, these little vague answers. Or I handle business. Oh, I hate that one. I'm not even gonna play. I hate when someone says I'll be handling my business. What business do you have to handle? Because we all have businesses that we gotta take care of. And I ain't talking about an income. I'm literally talking about things that we gotta do, things that we gotta get done. That's why we say we run an errands. Because usually, when you say you're running errands, okay, you're gonna go handle, I gotta go grocery shopping, I have to go maybe take my kids or whatever to doctor's appointments. That's running errands, that's handling business, same thing. So sometimes when a person is giving you a vague answer, they don't want to talk about what it is that you are trying to get out of them. So these answers avoid facts. That's what they do, they avoid facts. Number two, changing timelines. One week they say, I've been single for a year. Later, they say it's only been a few months. Truth doesn't forget itself, all right? It remembers how long anything has happened. Number three, contradiction. But their stories include bars, or I was at a party with my homeboy and my home girl, whatever, anything in that nature, and you're like, okay, so you might not drink anything at the party, but now you're talking about something else. Because my husband don't really drink. I I told you this before. I he does drink, he just don't drink pretty much almost like almost not at all. I have to talk him into drinking something with me. And I'm like, come on now, on a vacation. When we go on vacation, you're gonna at least have some drinks, right? And he's like, We'll see about it. And I'm thinking, like, well, I don't want to be drinking all by myself, man. That's not fun. You're gonna have to have a strawberry daiquiri or something, like something sweet, because he you don't drink anything hard. So, how about apple martini or something? How about give you a lemon drop? And he was like, Mm-mm, okay, I try it. But it's sweet, so you won't be able to taste the liquor. I have to get him into it. So if a person who said they don't drink, but yet they always talk about going somewhere where it's always drinks at, you gotta pay attention to the contradiction, and not meaning that they're lying to you, it's just these are things that you want to pay attention to. You have to keep your mind focused and sharper, all right? Or let's say that they said they're broke, but they show luxury style behavior, the life that they live, they seem like how how you broke with all these nice things all the time, or that because you always buying these things that's making you broke, so you gotta pay attention to that as well. So, number four is overusing phrases like, oh, now this is a big one. Trust me, I swear, why would I lie? The truth is to be honest, no lie. I'm not lying. People who are honest rarely announce it. Now, realize that those phrases are filler phrases because of the fact that they do lie, and that's the way of trying to cut you off and get you from not thinking that they're lying. Now, let's talk about conversation tests testing. This is not integrigating, you don't want to integregate them, all right? They're not sitting in the integration room like you the police and everything. It's normal curiosity. You ask the same question in different ways over time, don't do it back to back, boom, boom, boom. No, you want to take some time with asking the same question, but in a different way. For example, your first date, you'll ask the question. What do you do for work? Whatever answer they give you, take note, remember. Okay, you go on your second date, you don't ask that question no more. You by the third date, all right. You're gonna ask this question again, but in a different way. You say, What's a normal work day look like for you? Now you're gonna see if their information is gonna line up with what they told you the first time on the first date. But you don't stop there because you wanna see if it's gonna change, if it changes, you wanna see if it's gonna change again. So, not the third date, maybe the fourth fifth or sixth date, if you're still dating them by this time, ask the question again in a different way. This time you're gonna say, What got you into that feel? Now, if they story changes, you learn something about them, and that is what you need to be. These are things that you're gonna have to do when you figure out certain things about people that they're not honest and all that. That is your chance to figure out if you want to continue to date them or not. I will not I would never tell you, don't date that person and leave them alone, even though in my mind I'm thinking it. But you still got the right to make the choice on who you want to deal with in your life. Just know that you know about this person already. All right, it's not a surprise, and it shouldn't be talked about as a complaint about them later on if you choose to stick around and be with them. You know that they're a liar, so why are you complaining about them being a liar? You already know this, so you chose to stick around and stay with them, then date that liar and be proud of it. That's what I'm trying to say here. But if you say, Okay, I don't want to date a liar, I just can't. I'm I'm I'm out, I don't want to deal with someone who's dishonest. Well, you just got your information and now it's time to move on. So let me tell you about Jerry. Jerry was dating a woman who said she lives alone over time. He asked consistently, casually, just very, very casually, but it was consistent. He wanted to know, is she really did she really live alone? Because she never invited him over, which she don't have to because women shouldn't always invite a man over to your place when you first meet them. It should take time before you actually invite these people over to your home. So what he did was he asked this casual question. He said, Do you live, do you like living alone? That's what he asked. And she answered the question. Then later, at another time, he said, What'd your place look like? I don't think he should ask that question, to be honest, but he asked anyway, what it looked like, like how you decorate your place inside, you know, y'all women got good, some women, you know, but he said to her, Y'all women got good taste, and you know, just wondering how your place look inside. Even to me, I thought that was a creepy question. I would have been like, Hell nah, you don't even know that. That's just my opinion. But he asked this question to get the answer, thinking that I wonder if she really lived alone. So she went on and told him, She said, Yeah, I like nice things, and I have my place nice, and you know, I decorated it myself, and she, you know, went through all the spill of that. And then he said, Oh, okay, that's nice. And then he asked her, Do you cook at home or do you always eat out? And she was like, Uh, I cook, I enjoy cooking, and that's what I do. So her answer was was it really didn't change, but what ended up happening was later he found out that she lived with her husband. She was actually married, so no, she did not live alone, she did decorate her place, but at the same time, yeah, she was cooking at home because she was cooking for her husband. So those are the things he found out. So, what gave it away was not that he was spying, it was inconsistency because of the fact that he wasn't able to really get a chance to come to her house, and he wanted to be able to come pick her up for their dates, and he was like, She was like, No. I really firmly believe that you women have the right to tell a man no, I don't want you coming to my house because that's for safety reason. Men are stronger than us women, and they're gonna overpower you, especially if you're indoors and they can rape you and do all these things to you. You don't want to invite no one to your house. I would flat out just let a person know in the moment when they ask me, Do I live alone? I'd be like, I would prefer not to talk about my living arrangements. How about we just continue to just get to know each other? And when I'm ready to talk about those things, then I will talk about those things. That's for my safety. And because you don't know if this person might spy on you and follow you home. You don't, especially if you say I live alone, so don't always be quick to give an answer to that. So I thought she was okay with not giving him the answer. Now, yes, she was still married, but if she wasn't married and she was living alone, that to me, I felt that no, you didn't need to know that information about her, but it is what it is. He still found out that she was married. I want to give you guys an exercise. So get your notepad out and your pen pencil, all right. I want you to write these things down, all right. I want you to think about someone that you've dated or that you're actually dating right now. I want you to write it's three things that you're gonna write down. You're gonna write down one story that they told you that you really are concerned about that you want to know more about. Then you're gonna write down things, one thing, just one thing that felt off to you about that particular story that they gave you, and then you're gonna write one moment your intuition spoke to you. I know your intuition spoke to you about that situation when they were telling you the story. Write that moment down. What was your intuition saying to you? Because your intuition noticed patterns before your mind can explain them to you. And here are an important rule that I want to give to you guys. You don't need proof to pause when you found when you find out all this information about your partner that you're dating, you don't need proof to say, I need to just stop. You don't need evidence to slow down. Discomfort is information enough for you to pull away. If you're feeling uncomfortable with this person, that is a good enough reason to pull away. I had to do it before in past relationships. Well, it wasn't really relationship, it was dating. I had to do it with other people that I was dating, and I realized like this, I'm not comfortable when I when I'm around this person or when we're talking. It was just something about this guy that was making me feel uncomfortable, so I had to stop talking to this these particular people. I've dated several people throughout my years, going on dates, getting dressed up, beautified, putting on nice makeup, whatever, and going out to Dave and Buster's or to um eat somewhere, or even I even dated a guy and and went to go play basketball with him. I mean, I put on some shorts, tennis shoes, and was out there playing basketball. A date is wherever you want to call a nice outing of getting to know a person, you know? And some of them dates was great and some of them wasn't so great. So I feel like if you are not feeling comfortable with whoever you're with, then you don't need proof why you don't feel comfortable with this person. Your discomfort alone is the information that you need to just pull away. That's it. Alright. So let's talk about what to do when you detect dishonesty. This is when you don't go blowing up and trying to be all up in their face and be like, you lied to me and all this stuff. You don't want to do that. Putting your fingers all in their face, you liar. You don't want to do all that. Or smashing out windows and flattening tires and you know keying their cards. Don't do that. Please. Let's be dignified. Let's not be that person. If you are that person, let's stop being that person. So what do you do when you realize someone isn't acting, something isn't adding up? What is it that you do? First, what you want to do, you don't want to confront them aggressively. You don't want to be aggressive. Take the aggression away. You want to observe, you want to observe the situation. Pay attention. You want to slow down, you want to gather clarity. This is when you want to be sure that you know what you know, what you know. All right. Now you got all this situation under control. You're not aggressive, you're watching and you slow down your pace with them. And now, second, what you want to do, you don't want to argue with someone. Slies. If they lie, they lie, let them lie. Don't argue with the lie. Don't do that. Don't do that. Okay. You decide if you want to stay in a situation where dishonesty isn't. Well, I mean, not dishonesty, where honesty isn't present. Alright? You want to decide. Do I want to stick around? Because this person can't be honest with me. I don't know if I want to continue with this situation. Should I sit should I stay or should I go? You know? And once you made that decision, third, what you're gonna do, you trust what you see, not what you hope. Dishonesty in dating usually grow over time. Small lies become big ones, small evasions become secrets. If someone can't be honest with small things, they won't be honest with big ones. Just like the Bible says, if I can't trust you with the little thing, they can't trust you with the big ones. Okay, it's the same thing. And remember this a liar isn't just lying to you, they're creating a reality that benefits them. That is not love, that is control. So if you want to be controlled, stick around. If you don't, run away. You deserve someone who whose life doesn't require editing. Right? You need to be editing people's worlds. You deserve someone who can answer questions without fear. You deserve someone whose story stays the same. So today we've learned dishonesty often look subtle. Basically, it's just not adding up. We've learned behavior reveals more than words do. We've learned that consistency is the truth of the test. That is the test. The truth of the test that you can get is consistency. We've learned how to detect patterns. That patterns don't lie, and we also learn defensiveness is a warning. So if people become defensive, then that's a warning sign for you. Because why are they being defensive when you ask the question? Something's wrong with that. Okay, so I hope you take all this information that I have given you in episode four and use it on anyone. You don't have to be a date that you're dating. It can be a friend, it can be a coworker. Use this information and practice, okay? Because the more you practice this, the better you become at it, the good you become better and good at it. So you want to practice this over and over and over again. It will give you the opportunity to be able to be sharp when it comes to detecting someone's dishonesty in their lives, all right. So in the next episode five, we're gonna talk about protecting your money and assets, your assesses. We're talking about finances and your financial safety when you're dating. We're gonna cover situations such as financial red flags, how to protect yourself, yes, how to protect your money, how to protect your property, what not to share too soon, why selling is dangerous, and how money is often used to manipulate in relationships. If you've dated someone who need who needed money, borrowed money, or made you feel guilty for having money, that episode is for you. The next episode is for you. So thank you for spending time with me today. If this episode helped you in any kind of way, I would like for you to share it with someone who needs it because hey, Sharon is caring, don't be selfish. I'm helping you, so you help someone too. Okay, I'm a Layla Carol, and this is Improving Your Thoughts by Freeing Yourself. Remember, trust in your intuition is given to you for your protection. All right, intuition is your first line of protection. Trust that you know what you know when you know it. Don't doubt what you're finding out. I want you also to remember that truth doesn't change, stories do. People's stories is the one that change, not the truth. So signing out, alayla.