Recognizing Charmers and Avoiding Their Traps

Charm can feel exciting, flattering, and even magical at first. But sometimes, what looks like charm is actually a strategy used to gain trust, lower your guard, and create emotional influence.
In this episode, host Alaila Carroll breaks down the difference between genuine kindness and manipulative charm. Many people who use manipulation, narcissistic tendencies, or control tactics often rely on charm to quickly build connection and emotional attachment. The compliments may be intense, the attention may feel overwhelming, and everything may seem perfect in the beginning — but underneath the charm may be hidden intentions.
You’ll learn how to recognize when charm is authentic and when it is being used as a tool for control. Alaila discusses common charm tactics such as excessive flattery, fast emotional bonding, mirroring your interests, and creating a false sense of trust early in relationships.
This episode will help you slow down your emotional investment, observe behavior over time, and maintain healthy boundaries while dating or building new relationships. When you understand the difference between genuine character and performative charm, you protect your peace, your emotions, and your future.
If you’ve ever wondered why someone seemed “too good to be true” in the beginning, this conversation will give you the insight and awareness to recognize charm without falling into the trap.
Listen in and learn how to appreciate genuine kindness while protecting yourself from manipulation disguised as charm.

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Transcript

Welcome And The Charmer Trap

SPEAKER_01 1:17

Welcome back to Improving Your Thoughts by Freeing Yourself. I'm your host, Alayla Carol, and today's topic is recognizing charmers and avoiding their traps. Today we're going to dive into this topic that has caused a lot of people heartbreak, confusion, and emotional damage in the dating world. Today we're talking about charmers. Now, let's be clear. Being charming is not automatically a bad thing. Some could say that charming is a good trait to have. But many kind and genuine people are naturally charmers. And that is when it's a good trait to have. Manipulation is one of the biggest ways to hook a person and for them to get what they want out of you. So manipulative charm is often used by people who know exactly how to make you feel special, seen, admired, and understood very quickly. They say things like being able to say the right thing at the right time is part of their charm. They say the right things, they give the right compliment compliments at the right time. It's just like always perfect. They create the perfect emotional experience. But sometimes that charm is not about connection, it's about control. So in today's episode, we're going to talk about what a manipulative charmer really is, the tactic charmers use to pull people in. Why intelligent people still fall for them? The warning signs that charm is becoming manipulation. And we're going to talk about how to protect yourself without becoming cynical about love. Let's begin. What is manipulative charmers? What is it? A manipulative charmer is someone who understands how to create emotional attraction very quickly. The keyword is very quickly. But here's the difference between genuine connection and manipulation. Genuine connection grows gradually. The key word is that it grows gradually. It takes its time. Manipulation, charm, manipulative charm, accelerate everything. They want to move fast in everything. So if you're dealing with someone who's moving too fast, well, pump the brakes on them. Charmers often make you feel like you've met someone extraordinary almost egg almost immediately. They might say things like, I've never met someone like you. I feel like I've known you forever. You're exactly what I've been looking for. Now these things can happen naturally in relationships. I'm not saying that it cannot be genuine, but when they happen very early, before someone truly knows you, before they truly know who you are, it can be a sign of emotional strategy. So I want you to take your time with this person when you come across them. Let me tell you about this woman named Lisa. Lisa met someone who felt and seemed incredible to her on their first date. He told her she was the most intelligent woman he had ever met. On the second date, he said he could see him and her building a life together. Within weeks, he was talking about a future with her. Meeting her family, she meeting his family, long-term commitments. I mean, he was already there, he was all in, like for real, all in it. But months later, she discovered that he had the same approach with several other women when she found out some of his friends telling him, telling her, actually, this is his pattern, this is what he does. So please don't fall too hard right too soon. His charm wasn't personal, it was a pattern. Charmers often use emotional intensity to create quick attachment, like very quick attachment. So I have a friend that that happened to, and I remember when I I already knew this guy, I knew him from high school, but me and her went to two different high schools, so she did not know him the way I knew him. And when she introduced me to him, I automatically knew who he was, but I wasn't quite sure if he had changed or not because it had been so many years that had passed, so I didn't go all in on her about how he used to be, especially in high school, because we're kids. People are learning themselves, no one knows who they are as a teenager. You learn yourself as you get out there in the real world, so I just kept it to myself and I didn't say much about it. But what I did notice is how he was moving very fast with her, talking about getting married in the next year. Okay, y'all just started dating a month, and you're gonna get married this time next year. That's that was just too soon. And I remember the I wasn't alone when I had met him with her. I had a friend with me, and my friend was like, Oh, you can tell your friend to slow down with him because I've seen people like this guy before, he is not who he is pretending to be. She needs to slow down. And I told my friend was a guy, he was a guy much older than both of us. And first thing I told him, I say, you know, I recognize it too. And plus, on top of this, I I met I know this guy from high school. I will talk to her about him later, and we'll go from there. So, just letting you know, please be careful when these people are already talking about future with you in the beginning, it's just a little off track for me. And when someone becomes emotional attached quickly, they stop asking careful questions. That's is when the manipulation becomes easier for the manipulative charmer. So, that's the reason why you want to slow down. So, let's talk about the specific tactics charmers use. What kind of tactics do they use? I want to give you some information on this. I've spoken on some of these things before in my other series about narcissism and narcissists and stuff because they use a lot of the same tactics as well. Does it mean that every charmer is a is a narcissist? That doesn't mean that. Basically, what it means is that you need to pay attention to these situations if they occur. So, understanding these tactics, they will help you recognize when someone is being genuine and when someone is performing. These are the things you gotta pay attention to. Are they performing or they're being genuine? The first tactic is love bombing. Love bombing is when someone overwhelms you with attention, affection, compliments, and communication very early. So, what happens is that you might experience constant text messaging. Like they every every day you get up, they're sending you a text message. Good morning, beautiful. Hope you have a lovely day. Good morning, beautiful. I couldn't sleep last night. I was thinking about you. Good morning, lovely. Good morning. I that that they don't have to do that every day. They wasn't doing it before they met you. Why are they doing it now? This was not saying they shouldn't do it at all, but all the time. Because the minute that it stops, and trust me, it will stop. Even in your when you're with someone who was genuine, it will stop. Like for real. My husband don't text me every morning like he used to. I mean, he calls me every single day. If I'm out and I'm at work, oh he's hey, I'm checking on you. Everything good, you know, or if he he's out doing whatever he's doing, he calls, hey, I'm on my way home, letting you know. And that's different, but I'm talking about these good morning, beautiful, and all that stuff. Be careful with that. Also, frequent compliments. How often do a normal person compliment you on a regular basis? So be careful with overly complimenting on everything that you do or how you look and all those things. Also, intense emotional conversations. What are those when they are too serious, too soon, giving you too much, too much too soon, is not good. You're supposed to ease into some of these conversations, they can't be too strong, too heavy, weighing on you, too deep, too soon. Something happened to them, they want to tell you about what happened to them when they was a little kid, and they literally in the into it. Please be careful with this. I think this is how I got trapped because I started listening to my second husband talking about how he was bullied when he was a kid, and I'm thinking after I got a chance to start looking at some of his childhood pictures, I'm like, how are you bullied? You big, you was big. I ain't talking about fat, I'm talking about tall and have some weight on them. You could have slammed four people at the same time with one WAP. Don't tell me you was bullied, but that's what he said. I was bullied when I was a kid, and all those things, and so these is uh speaking of pictures and stuff, when you are um when I talk about the next episode about the family and why it's important to um get to know the family and stuff and go around them. If you can ask for baby pictures, ask for childhood pictures that way you can get a chance to see what they look like back then, and you can pick up on what type of life they had just by the way they was dressed, what house they lived in. You can if you can see some pictures of the house, you can kind of tell if they grew up in the 80s, you can't you kind of can tell what what era that was and what their life was kind of like if they grew up in the 90s and the 20 2000s, or you know, any of that 21st century or whatever, you can kind of tell what what they was going through during that time, and it put a it would give you a great perspective of who they are at the moment that you're talking to them, and then you can ask some real good questions about excuse me, you guys. I've been drinking this root beer and it makes me want to burp. So you can ask some real good good good questions about their childhood and upbringing to get a feel of what is really going on with this person, but also be careful when they do big romantic gestures. So, big romantic gestures, overly romance in the beginning. We already know that's not gonna last. Some people are naturally romantic because that's their love language, but that kind of stuff will come out of them on a consistent basis, it won't be a love bombing situation where they they stop, it will keep going. Every birthdays, Christmas, anniversaries, those things are gonna be natural, and then even just because gift, you'll be getting those as well. When it's natural, it's not force, they're not spending money, a lot of money, because usually when a person has a love language as romance, they know how to be creative without spending a lot of money. And if this person is always spending money on Lazarus gifts and uh good time, then they're love bombing you, they're showing out. So even if they got the money, even if they're rich and they got the money, it's still the same form because you shouldn't have to always come out of your pocket to romance a person. Just saying, roses and foot bath and all that doesn't really cost much. Why you gotta go all out, unless you the type of person that wants those things, and you really, really want those things, and even if you do really want those things, you have to be careful about that because they can use that to still get you. Your desire can be your trap, just let you know that. So, check yourself. So, at first, it feels amazing, it feels like you're chosen, it makes you feel like you're chosen, you feel valued, but real relationships develop over time. Love bombing tries to create emotional dependency quickly. Now, the second tactic is mirroring, yes, they want to copy you. Charmers often mirror your personality, interests, and values. If you love to travel, suddenly they love to travel too. If you love spirituality, like you're very spiritual, whatever, suddenly they become deeply spiritual. I yes, I've seen that happen twice in my dating world. Okay, and also if family is important to you, suddenly family is at the top of their priority list. Problem with that is that when you become deeply involved with them, if they really wasn't a family person, they're gonna switch on you, they're gonna turn to the opposite of now why you gotta always be with your family, why your family always gotta come around, why your families always gotta be involved, why your sisters always around. Now you know for sure that they was love bumming you in the beginning, they did not really care about family like that, and that is a common sign for the fact that they was mirroring you. Mirroring creates the illusion that you have found someone who is perfectly compatible to you. There's no such thing as perfect any relationship, keep that in mind. But over time, inconsistency begins to appear. The third tactic is future faking. Yeah. This happens when someone talks about a beautiful future together with you, but never actually build the steps that it takes to get there. They might say we should travel the world together. I can see us living in a beautiful house one day with all the fixing and trimmings. I want to build a family with you because I know that you will make a good mother or a good father. Oh man, those things you gotta be careful with because how you know that, besides you got the opportunity to see how I am with my own kids. Other than that, you can't just go off for words of what I told you about my children. You know, the those are things you have to be real cautious with as well. So these conversations create emotional investment, but sometimes they are not backed with real commitment, and if that happens to you, you might want to start looking to let go of that relationship because you're gonna go through a lot of drama now. Now you're gonna go through a lot of drama. The fourth tactic is intense vulnerability early on. Charmers sometimes share deeply emotional stories very early in the dating. That to me is a buzz kill. If I'm drinking and you're talking about some crap that happened to you in your young years, and it's not good, it's not pleasant, you just killed my vibe. Not saying that I don't have any sympathy or empathy for you because I do, I just realized that at that point, something's not right for you to bring this up to me this early in this relationship. That's the kind of mind frame that you should probably have. If someone brings something like that up to you so soon, especially if you're not on that conversation, that you haven't been talking too much about that, and you just met them, yeah. You need to be cautious with that because why are they telling you this? What are they what are their motives? What are their goals? What are they looking to gain from telling you this? So I'm gonna give you a prime example. If you ever seen the movie What Love Gotta Do with It with Tina Turner, her life story. So you the the one with um Angela Bassett and Lawrence Fishburg. Okay, when the character Angela Bassett, she's playing Tina Turner. For those of you who have never seen the movie, you might want to watch the movie. It's a pretty good movie, but it's about Tina Turner, the rock and roll Hall of Famer, about her life growing up as a child and being abandoned by her mother and being raised by her grandmother. So she was very vulnerable because she didn't know anything about the fast life, the city life, and she ended up moving back with her mother when she became like what 17, 18 years old when her grandmother died. So her mother took her older sister but didn't take her. The point that I'm trying to make here is that she didn't know anything about relationships, absolutely nothing, and she got Suckered into being somebody's doormat, walked all over, used and abused for years, even her talent being used, everything. But it was the beginning of the relationship that got me. It was that one thing that stood out to me when Ike had asked Tina to stay tonight. Actually, he didn't ask her, he told her, You're not going home tonight. You're gonna stay here. I'm gonna call your mother, and I'm gonna have Lorraine, and all this other stuff. So Lorraine is the other baby mother. She ended up shooting herself in the bathroom. And they ended up taking her to the hospital. She survived it. She didn't kill herself. She survived the gunshot. And when I came home from the hospital, Tina was still there at his house. Because he told her she was gonna stay all night. And he got to telling her this story about his situations dealing with people. And one of the things he said was, every time I'm helping somebody, as soon as they get on their feet and they're doing good, they leave me, and nobody wants to stick around. And she got suckered into that line. That one statement that he made, it cost her years and years of pain because she was like, This is what she told him.

SPEAKER_00 25:40

I would never do that to you, I would never leave you.

Why Intelligent People Still Get Hooked

Reflection Questions To Rebuild Clarity

Natural Charm Versus Manipulative Intent

The Plane Call That Exposed Control

Slow Down And Watch For Consistency

Real Love Grows Without Pressure

SPEAKER_01 25:46

That was a move, that was a charming move. He used a deep story to get her and hooked her. So when he was beating her tail, she was afraid to leave him. And even as the years rolled on by, one of her friends told her, You need to leave him. And she was like, I can't, I can't. Everyone leaves him, everyone leaves him. If I leave him, I'm gonna be just like all the rest of them. And I promise him I would never do that. Please don't be that person, don't be that person, don't be that person. Because that's how we get stuck in situations because we want to keep our word, they use that against us as well, and then you don't want to be made as a liar. Sometimes you just gotta be that liar and move on, especially if it's to save your life. So when a person is telling you an emotional story very early on in the dating scene, think about why you're telling me this. You can even ask them why are you telling me this? And listen for the answer because it's gonna be something vague, it ain't gonna be something that's gonna make you say with a light bulb, it's gonna pop in your head and go, Oh, okay. No, it's gonna be really some vague stuff, like because I can trust you, because you seem to be caring, and you're a good listener, those type of things, just silly. So basically, they may talk they may talk about difficult childhood, painful past relationships, or personal struggles. This can make you feel emotionally connected very quickly, but sometimes this vulnerability is used as a stratic a strategy to build trust very fast, which should not develop that soon. So, let me share you. I'm gonna share another story with you about a man named Thomas. So Thomas met someone who seemed incredibly open, like she was so open about herself. She shared emotional stories about betrayal and heartbreak on their second date. And this is something that we do, which we need to stop doing. Nobody wants to hear about your heartbreaks and stuff on your second date. I'm here to get to know you, not what someone did to you. Well, anyways, so Thomas felt honored though. He felt honored that she was trusting him with all these things that she was telling him. But over time, he realized that she told the same emotional stories to many people because every time she would meet someone, she would start talking about certain things about her life, which made him feel like, why is she telling this person? I thought I was the only one she trusted this information to, but yes, she's telling someone else the same thing, which seems to be a pattern. Mm-hmm. So I want y'all to understand that when charm is real, it grows over time, it doesn't move fast, but when charm is manipulation, it follows a script, it's just what it does. There's nothing new. So, why do people fall for charmers? Let's talk about that. One important question people ask is this why do smart people fall for charmers? The answer is very simple. Charm is a skill. Yeah, that's why. Charmers are skilled at creating emotional experiences, they activate powerful feelings. That's why people who are intelligent fall for them. So the type of experiences that they like to create as far as the feelings and stuff like that go is validation. You know, everybody likes to be feeling, like to feel validated, also excitement. Man, when you get that adrenaline going, oh my goodness, you know, hope. Oh, hope for the future. I'm hoping this works out. They're ready to jump in because they're hoping, and also the romantic fantasy. That is something that most women fall for because we have this fairy tale idea of life, and that's not something that is real, but yet we have it in our mind, especially as little girls, when we was practicing walking in the aisle and wearing our little um veil and walking with our boot bouquet as a married woman one day, soon to be someday, dreaming to be swept off our feet by Prince Charming. Yeah, those are the things that that they know, and they use all those tactics on you. And when those emotional, those emotions are strong, our critical thinking often slows down. That's the reason why intelligent people get trapped because of the fact that the critical thinking part of us go away we're not thinking, we ain't thinking about none of that. We just all in the moment. We we feel invalidated, we're excited, we have hope for the future, and we're being romance. That's why. Another reason people fall for charmer, charmers are timing. Sometimes we meet someone when we are lonely, recovering from a heartbreak. Those are the two worst times to meet somebody, hoping for love and also ready for connection. You're ready, you're out here, you're dating, but that ready for connection is still okay with the timing because of the fact if you are following these steps that I'm giving you and you taking notes that I have been asking you to take, you do some of these activities that I've given to you, and you pay attention, you won't be charmed, you won't really fall for it. You will recognize if it's genuine or if it's manipulative, you will be able to recognize it, and then you can follow suit from there. Charmers recognize emotional vulnerability and move quickly, but there is something very important I want you to remember. Charm is not a character. Realize that it's not a person's character, not at all. Character is revealed through consistency, honesty, accountability, patience, and respect. That's how the character of a person is built. Charm can be displayed as it can be displayed in a single evening. You can figure that out in one night about a person. Oh, he's a charmer. Oh, he sure is a charmer. You can figure that out just like that. That's why you get a lot of these old school women who've been around the block who have settled down and they're no longer looking for relationships and stuff like that. They're just chilling, they can spot a charmer instantly because they've been there, done that. That's what I'm saying. My mom loves to say, um, I'm too old to be called a kitten, but I'm not too old to be called a cat. Whatever that means. Basically, you can't fool me. I know exactly who I am, you know what I mean? So I like that expression because I feel like that with me. I'm too old to be called a kitten. Like I'm past the young stage, the dumb stage. I'm not there no more. But I'm not too old to be called a cat because I'm not old to where I'm see now, and that you can take advantage of me in that way. So, yeah, there you go. You can use that if you want to use that. I'll let you use it. You got my permission to use that. Let's as long as you quote me, though, quote me. Or my mom, you know, quote her, say a layla's mom or whatever, you know. Anyway, so character takes time to observe. That's the reason why you want to take your time because it takes time. So here's an exercise for you. Remember, I've told you if you're doing the exercise, then you will not be falling for these tactics anymore. So, what I want you to do, I want you to think about someone you once found extremely charming. I want you to ask yourself, did their actions stay consistent with their words and answer it? All right. I also want you to ask yourself, did the intensity, you know, all that hype that they brought to you stay stable or suddenly disappear? Remember, I say hi to text messages, then I gonna keep texting you every morning. Hey beautiful, that's gonna go away. So, is it consistent? Consistent mean within timing, though. So here it is, what four months later? Are they still doing it? You know, as well as ask yourself this question Did their promises turn into reality? The things they said they was gonna do, did it happen? This reflection helps you learn from past experiences without blaming yourself. So do not blame yourself when you realize that that person was charming you the whole time. You probably already know that anyway. If you think about a particular person, you probably already know they was charming you. So, because falling for charmers doesn't mean that you were naive. What's wrong with it is that if you know now, because you're listening to this podcast and you start falling for that after you listen to this podcast, then you're being naive. So it means someone knows how to create an emotional experience when you come across a charmer and is not genuine, meaning that's not their personality, that's not they basically okay. Let's talk about the difference between personalities and a charmer because sometimes that can be confusing. So I want to make sure I get this straight, and I clear this up for you. A person who's a natural charmer, this is just how they are, they're not trying to gain anything from you, they're not trying to manipulate you to get something from you, they are just that way. That's a natural, genuine trauma. But a person who is a manipulative charmer, they're trying to get something from you. It could be access to your accesses, like your money. If you listen to the last episode that I just did, um episode five, then you know what I'm talking about. It can be as it's be access to your heart so they can control you and get everything they want from you because now they got you hooked. It can be maybe anything that you have, even your body, to have sex with you. Because there are people who are out there just want to have sex, they don't want nothing else but that. That's the reason why you have to know the difference. So once you learned the patterns, you become much harder to manipulate. This is the reason why you need to understand these. If you if you feel the need that you have to go back over this podcast, this particular episode to write these things down, take your time and write it down. There's no rush, just know it and pay attention to just random people when they're talking, and you're let's say, for instance, you're waiting at an airport or something like that, and you're sitting around and you're listening to people talk, have conversations. Listen, don't be too nosy, but listen to how they they speak. You might see the manipulation in them, you might figure it out. So, I'm gonna give a quick story real quick. I was on a plane and I was working the flight, and I was working in the back, and we had just landed in Atlanta, and there was a guy, he was on video call with a girl, he was sitting in a seat by the window, and this is a two um seat, two-row seat, so there's no middle seat. And while he's sitting there, I'm standing up in the back, and we are deplaning. The doors are open, everybody's getting off, and he's in the very last seat, so he's still sitting down, and it's a person right next to him to him that is sitting down. They're not together, they're not traveling together, they're strangers. So he's talking to the girl on the phone, and he's like, What are you doing? And she was telling him, I'm waiting on you. And he was like, What you got on? And she was like, You see what I got what I have on? And he said, Yeah, I know I see what you got on, but show me the reason why I flew all the way down here. Show me something, give me a little something showing me what the reason why I'm here to see you. And she was like, What are you talking about? What do you mean? He was like, I want to see something, show me something, show me your breast, show me your ass, show me your something. And she was like, No, you on the plane, and he was like, Nobody around here looking. Not knowing, yeah, someone is looking. I'm looking because I'm standing right here and I can hear you. And she was like, No, no, I'm not gonna do it. And so he kept cohorting her to do it. He was like, I'm telling you, it's just me. Nobody is can see, no one can see, just me. And so she decided to go ahead and show him something. She started showing her breasts, and he was like, Yeah, baby, sure, take take the shirt all the way off, take it all the way off, and she started to take it off. I said, Hello, I'm right here. Like, don't do that, ma'am. Don't do that, because he says nobody is here, but I'm right here, and I literally can see you. Not trying to, but I can see you. And hey, I could have just said nothing and let him go ahead and do her like that, but I'm a woman, and not only I'm a woman, I'm giving out information to you guys to help you guys. What that look like that I sit there and watch that, knowing that this dude was manipulating her, charming her. Come on now. So, this is why I say you have to be careful with what you're doing because you don't know what these people are up to, anyways. That's another story within this old. So, how do you protect yourself from charmers? That's the thing. How do you protect yourself from charm charmers without becoming closed off to genuine love? So that's a difference because you can close yourself off. So, what I want to do, I want to tell you how to do that. So, first, what you want to do is to slow the pace, slow the pace, slow it down. Charmers rely on emotional acceleration. When you slow the relationship down, their strategy often weakens, and this is why I am teaching you how to slow down when you're dating. It will give you the chance to weaken the manipulator. Okay, so second, the second thing you want to do is watch for consistency over time. Words are easy, consistency requires effort. Yeah, it does. The third thing you want to do is pay attention to actions, not promises. Who cares about what you say? Show me what you do. Anyone can describe a beautiful future with you. The real question is, are they building it? Because they have to take steps in motion so you can see that they are actually genuine about what they're saying. And then the fourth thing you want to do is listen to the observation of people or anybody who care about you. That is a real deal. Sometimes family and friends see patterns that we overlook because we are emotionally involved, and that brings me to the next episode that I am going to be doing. The next episode is episode seven. Why introducing your date to family and friends matters? Yeah, you're gonna have to do that. And I say this out of experience. We're going to talk about how the people who know you best can sometimes see warning signs that you might miss or that you are choosing to overlook. We're going to discuss why outside perspective are valuable, how manipulators behind I mean, my bad, how manipulators behave around your support system, and how family and friends can help you protect your heart. Okay. So thank you for joining me on today's improving your thoughts by freeing yourself. I am Alayla Carroll, reminding you that real love doesn't rush, manipulate, or overwhelm you. Real love grows steadily. It takes his time. And when you take your time to observe somebody's characters, yes, please observe their character. Pay attention to their character. You protect yourself from the charm that isn't genuine. I'll see you in the next episode. Signing out Alayla.