Why Family and Friends See Red Flags You Ignore

Have you ever been told “something doesn’t feel right” about the person you’re dating—but you brushed it off? In this powerful episode, we dive into why the people closest to you often recognize red flags long before you do. When emotions, attraction, and hope are involved, it’s easy to overlook warning signs—but those on the outside can see patterns without emotional attachment.
We’ll explore the psychology behind emotional blind spots, why we defend unhealthy behavior, and how love can sometimes cloud discernment. More importantly, you’ll learn how to balance trusting your instincts while also being open to wise counsel from family and friends who genuinely want the best for you.
This episode will help you develop stronger awareness, recognize subtle warning signs earlier, and make more grounded relationship decisions—without feeling controlled or judged. If you’ve ever ignored your inner voice or dismissed the concerns of others, this conversation could change the way you approach love and trust forever.

Art that you wear.

For ads

Advertisement

Transcript

How Emotions Hide Red Flags

Kevin Learns The Hard Way

The Value Of Outside Distance

Alice Spots Early Gaslighting

When Advice Turns Into Projection

Wise Concern Versus Jealous Interference

Active Listening Without Defensiveness

Open Heart While Keeping Eyes Open

Next Episode Preview And Share

SPEAKER_00 1:17

Okay, so this is episode eight, and the title is Why Family and Friends See Red Flags You Ignore. This episode continues to help you focus on blind spots in dating and why outside perspectives matter. Welcome back to Improving Your Thoughts by Freeing Yourself. I'm your host, Alayla Carroll. This season we are learning how to date properly. Why we need to know is because we need to learn how to apply wisdom, patience, and discernment when we are dating. Because dating should never be about rushing into emotions, it should be about observing, learning, and making healthy decisions. So far, this season, we've talked about red flags, background checks, detecting lies, protecting your money and assesses, recognizing charmers and manipulators, and we talked about why meeting the family matters. Now we're going to dive a little deeper into why meeting the family matters. Because they see red flags that we always like to ignore. Even though we see it, we ignore it and we make excuses for it. And today we're talking about something that almost everyone experiences at some point in their dating life. Why, once again, family and friends see red flags that you ignore. You probably heard this before. Your sister might say to you after meeting your girlfriend, I don't trust her energy. Your mother says to you after meeting your boyfriend or girlfriend, slow down. Something isn't right about that person. I just know. I just know. And your immediate reaction might be you just don't understand them. You're judging too quickly. There you go. Being negative. When they say this to you, sometimes the people who love you are seeing something your emotions are preventing, preventing you from seeing today. We're going to talk about why emotional attachment creates blind spots. Why can outside perspectives be valuable to you? How, and we're also going to talk about how to tell the difference between helpful advice and jealousy interference because that can happen too. And I need y'all to be able to tell the difference between the two. And then we're also going to talk about how to listen without becoming defensive, because it is so easy for a person to tell you about somebody that you are liking, and it's not music to your ears, the information that you're getting, you end up becoming defensive right off the back because you didn't give yourself the opportunity to actually reflect on what they are saying to you. Sometimes, even though we are going off on the person who gave us the information about what they think about the person we've chosen for ourselves, we still reflect later on what they said and then end up having to come back to them and say, you know what, I thought about what you said. Instead of us having to backtrack like that, it would be wise for us to just stop and do what we need to do in the moment while they're talking to us, and that's to listen. Okay. Don't just go off on a person just because you don't like what they're saying. It's hard to get through to you if you're that way. You know, it's it's very it's very hard to talk to a person who don't like to hear unpleasant things. No one likes to hear unpleasant things, but it's still part of your process of learning and growth. Okay, so let's talk about why emotions create blind spots when you begin dating someone that you really like. Yes, our brain does something crazy, right? What it does is that our brain releases powerful chemicals. See, we didn't know that, and one of the chemicals that it releases are dopamine, oxytonin, and adrenaline, like you just get that rush, that excitement, because this is brand new to you, and that's the reason why I always tell people when they first meet someone, give it time. Because in time, when that adrenaline goes down, the dopamine is gone, and the oxytoin finally phased away. Now you get to see the person for who they really are, and you get to be able to think with a clear mind. So, what it is, these chemicals they create excitement, attachment, and sometimes obsession. That's how you get people to become obsessed with you because of this what these chemicals do to the brain. This is why people often say things like, I can't stop thinking about them. But here's the problem: these emotions they are very high, and they can temporarily override logic, and most of the time they do override logic. And it says tempor I say temporarily because of the fact that once they go away, you get the opportunity to actually think clearly. When you are emotionally invested, you tend to excuse bad behavior, minimize red flags, justify inconsistency, and focus only on the good moments. You disregard all the negativity that happened, and that you should be paying attention to. This is what psych psychologists they call this confirmational bias. Yeah, you're choosing to be biased in these moments. You bel you begin looking only for evidence that supports your feelings that you have about the person, and that's why you overlook the negativity because you are not trying to see it, you're pushing it away. So let me give you an example. I know a man named Kevin. He started dating a woman who was incredibly charming. We talked about the charmer in the last of the episodes, okay. His friends they noticed something strange about her that she was consistently interrupting him. Yeah, she did she did that a lot. She also criticized him. Every now and then, she would criticize him in subtle ways, little small little ways, and she often flirted with other men when he wasn't paying attention, even if he was standing next to her, as long as he wasn't giving her that much attention, he couldn't see what she was doing. Yeah, but his friends they pointed it out to him. And Kevin, of course, he said to them, You're misreading her. That's just how she is. She's very confident. But he found out six months later uh that that wasn't just confidence. Yeah, that was how she was. That's exactly how she is. The whole time she was seeing other people. So, what happened in that moment? What was going on with Kevin? So, what was going on with him was that his emotional investment created blind spots. That's what happened. So be careful when you guys fall off of someone and you're so excited about them. This is why slow dating is so important because you give yourself the opportunity to let that pass. But hey, you know what? Kevin's friend, they was watching the relationship from the outside, and usually people from the outside can see so much better than you are, then you can't. I I hear a lot of people sometimes say you on the outside looking in, you really don't know what's going on. True as that may be in certain occasions and circumstances, but the person on the outside can actually see you better than you can see them, you know, than you can see within. Because think about it at nighttime, if you have your blinds open and your lights on in the house, someone on the outside can see every single thing that is going on inside of your house. But if you're looking on the outside from the inside and you're not you're not able to see the person looking at you because of the fact that you're in it, you're in the light, and they're not in the light. The spotlight is not on them. That's the reason why they're able to see what you don't see because you have the spotlight on you, and they don't. That's the same thing as a person being on the stage, and all the lights are shining on them on the stage. The people in the audience can see the person on the stage so much clearer, but the person on the stage cannot see those in the audience. It's the way that's the way I like to use the analogies for blind spies when you're so invested into somebody that you cannot see what everyone else is seeing. So take some time and just what you want to do is that you gotta realize that the people who are talking to you about your new boo or your boo, they didn't have and they really do not have the emotional fog that you have, you're in the fog, they're not. So let's talk about why outside perspective matters. Why why do it matter? Because family and friends provide, yeah, sometimes extremely valuable information, sometimes, and they could be valuable to you in your dating situation if you learn to just get your feelings out of the way. Distance is what is needed. Distance allows people to see patterns that you may overlook, they don't have the connection that you have with the person, they are a lot further away from the person than you are, so they're able to see what you're missing, what you continue to allow to override, and what you are overlooking. They are observing things like how your partner speaks to you. Oh, they definitely pay attention to that, especially parents. They're also observing things like whether they respect your boundaries because they know what your boundaries are. You have already probably expressed that to them so many times as you were growing up or as the years went by, so they know what boundaries that you really don't like to be crossed, and they're gonna look and see if they're that your partner that you're choosing to have is that person respecting that boundary or not. They also are checking if their story changes because they're gonna ask multiple questions sometime the same way at a different time, and sometimes different way around the same time. So they're gonna check for those things, and they also going to see if their energy feels genuine because it's horrible meeting a person who is fake, I'm just saying, who's playing the role, because their energy changes the energy of people around them, and a person know when the energy has changed, when the energy in the room has shifted. People know, they nobody a fool to not know. The only person who's been the fool is you who's allowing it to continue that way. Not calling you a fool, but I'm just letting you know if you allow it to continue that way, then you're being foolish in that behavior. Okay, so they are not experiencing the romantic excitement that you are, they are seeing behavior, and I want you to understand that this is a serious thing. This is why it's important to bring them around, family and friends, early. So let me share another story with you. So there's a woman named Alice, and she introduced her boyfriend to her family during the holidays, which was a good idea because that's when you get the chance to see how everybody acts, okay? On both sides, whether you know he's observing her family and to see what she's like, and the family is observing him to see what he's like. So what ended up happening is that her sister noticed something subtle, something small, but it wasn't really that small to the sister because she kept paying attention to it. Because every time Alice would speak, her boyfriend corrected her. He would say things like, That's not what happened. You're remembering it wrong. At first, Alice brushed it off like it wasn't a big deal. Remember, I said it was very subtle, it was to her, but not to the sister. But Alice's sister, she pulled her aside later on that afternoon, and she told her, she said, You know what? That felt very uncomfortable to watch. So, Alice, you gotta pay attention to that. You need to pay attention to that. That's what she was telling her. That's a bad sign. I how do I know? Because I've been through this before. That's what her sister told her. You know, I've been through this before, so I recognize it off the back what's going on. So pay attention to that. So Alice didn't fight her sister on that, she didn't go off on her and start, you know, saying you just being jealous, you know what you're talking about. What Alice did was she paid closer attention afterwards because she wanted to see if her sister was her sister correct about what she was saying about her boyfriend. So she realized something shocking, though, along the way as time went on. She was constantly being undermined, and her confidence was starting to go down every time that she would speak when she was around her boyfriend. She started noticing this ain't right. So, yeah, what her sister was telling her was that these were early signs of gaslighting. Yeah, that's exactly what was going on. Sometimes our loved ones are not trying to attack us. You gotta know that. All right. So sometimes your loved one, they're not attacking your relationship, don't always think that way. They're trying to protect you, and I know you're gonna hear them say that to you. They're gonna say things like, I'm not trying to hurt you, I'm just trying to help you. I don't want to see you hurt again because I'm pretty sure you've been hurt before. So they're gonna say some things in that line, okay? But let's talk about when advice is helpful versus harmful, because yeah, you got sisters and relatives who want to help you, but then you also got those who are not really trying to help you, they really don't like the fact that you got somebody and they don't, or whoever you got is better than who they are with, and that's the part I want to make sure to clear up too. So, you know, now let's be fair, let's be fair, let's flip the situation around. Let's talk about those who are not trying to help you and your family and your friends. Let's talk about that, okay? So, not every opinion from your family or friends is correct. Sometimes people project their own fears and experiences off on you. I had my mother do that to me with my second marriage, even though she was correct on some things, there was something she was not correct on. She tried to project what she went through with my dad and their marriage onto me. And one of the things she said that really made me fight hard for the marriage was that she said to me, My marriage didn't work with your dad, so that means that your marriage is not gonna work either. When she made that comment, I was determined to prove her wrong, and I was like, No, so that's the main reason why I actually stayed in that marriage as long as I did, because I was trying to prove my mom wrong instead of looking at the fact that she was right that the person I was married to wasn't right for me, but she just said it wrong in the wrong, worst possible way that you can tell anyone anything about their love life. You can never tell no one that and expect them to take your advice. What you just did was create a bad problem, which makes a person stick around in an unhealthy relationship, knowing that they should leave, but they don't want to because of pride, and also don't want you to win, just how that goes. So here's another example. So I have a friend who have been hurt in past relationships, and what ended up happening is that she realized that I don't care if this works or not, I don't want everyone to look at me as a failure, so that's some of the things that you gotta look at as well. And then here's another example so a friend who has been hurt in the past might distrust everyone, and I'm telling you, this can happen as well, or a parent might be unrealistic about their expectations for you, and then you got a jealous acquaintance that might want your relationship to fail. So these are things that you have to think about too. Is this person really helping me or are they not helping me? Because I don't really know, but I'm gonna try to give you some pattern to look out for to help you to see if this advice that they're giving you genuine or not. So, how do you notice the difference between wise concern and negative interference? You're gonna look for these types of patterns here. You're gonna ask yourself these questions while they're talking, and you're gonna analyze the things that they say. Number one, you're gonna ask yourself is the concern coming from multiple people? Because usually, when you get three or more people who notice the same behavior and they bring it up to you, then this is Genuine concern. This is not somebody who's hating on your relationship. Please take the advice when you find out that more than three people are literally talking about the same thing about your partner. Number two, you want to ask yourself are they describing specific behaviors? Because people can talk about things and don't give you genuine information about what they're talking about. And you like, okay, this ain't helpful. So, what you want to do is ask for healthy feedback. And the healthy feedback they're giving to you while they're talking should sound something like this. When they're talking to you, I've noticed he interrupts you several times. They're basically telling you what they noticed, and they gave you some real detail right there. Unhealthy feedback, such as criticism, it sounds like this. Instead of the first one, it'll sound like this. I just don't like him. That's not giving you anything, not at all. Because what you want is specific observant situation. Give me details. Why don't you like him? What is it that he has done or said that make you not like him? Give me that information. Okay, so number three, let's talk about that one. You want to ask yourself do these people have my best interests at heart? People who truly love you, they want you to be happy. Yeah, they do. They genuinely want you to be happy, and their goal is not to control you at all. Not at all. Their goal is to protect you, and you will notice the difference automatically. When trusted people raise concern about your relationship, it's wise to listen carefully before dismissing them because you're gonna have to return back to them at some point and apologize. So just listen. It doesn't hurt you to listen, not at all. Might if I can help you more than it could ever hurt you. Now let's move on and let's talk about how to listen without becoming defensive. We're gonna move to that part. One of the biggest challenges in dating is listening how to actually listen. So listening, how to actually listen. How do you do that? Yeah, it's called active listening. So learning how to hear feedback without immediately defending your partner when someone criticizes your partner, yeah, it can feel like they're criticizing your judgment, and that makes you become defensive automatically. But instead of you allowing your emotions to take over, you need to listen. All right, just listen, hear them out. Listening doesn't mean automatically agreeing with them, it doesn't, it's just meaning that you're giving them the opportunity to say what they need to say, and you take what you hear and you dissect it and analyze it, and then you put it to the test. Yeah, that's what it does. Listening simply means considering the perspective of what the other person is saying to you instead of reaching with anger and reacting in disgust. Yeah, try asking questions instead. So, and here's some examples of some questions that you can actually ask the person who's giving you the feedback. You can say something like, Hey, what Pacific What is you what are you really, really saying to me? Like, give me some specifics of why you feel this way. Give me some information. Okay, I'm listening, and then you listen. Or you can here's another one. You can you can ask, when did you notice that behavior in them? When did that actually happen? When was your first moment of recognizing that? Or you can ask this, can you give me an example of what you're talking about? Mm-hmm. Because this is how you know that they are really genuinely trying to protect you because they will have the information for you to give you, instead of saying stuff like, Well, I just don't like them. Oh no, you didn't give me no information on why you don't like them. It sounds a bit to me that it's coming from a negative place, and because of that reason, I just don't want to continue hearing what you have to say. You're not actually helping me right now. If you really want to help me, you would give me genuine information and knowledge on what you're talking about so I can take this information and I can pay more attention to it, and then I can make my decision whether I'm going to continue to be with this person or not, not because you just don't like them. Okay, so here are two things that I want to give you. First, what it does is that it allows you to understand the other person's concern clearly, and then second, it helps you to absorb your pay attention to your partner's behavior more carefully moving forward. So remember, listening, learning to listen, and listening to listen. Yes, I made that up. Listening to listen. That's what you're doing. I'm listening to listen to you. Okay, so listening doesn't weaken your relationship, it strengthens your discernment, and discernment protects your heart. That is what we're doing here. We're protecting your heart because that's what the Bible tells us to do to protect our heart. All right, because out it flows the springs of life, the issues of life. Yes. Now let's continue on. Let's talk about keeping your eyes and ears open. All right, healthy dating requires two important qualities. Yeah, and the two qualities are opening your heart while opening your eyes. You got to see what's going on, and you have to hear it before you allow your heart to be absorbed with all these stupid emotions that shouldn't be there so soon. So, an open heart and open eyes put together at the same time, you can care about someone deeply while still paying attention to reality. Friends and family sometimes see things that you miss because they are not emotionally involved with your partner. Their perspective can be a gift to you. If you're willing to consider it though, so if you're not willing to consider it, it's just not going to help you. You're gonna find out later on that you should have. So, yes, the next time someone that you trust raises a concern, don't immediately shut them down. First, what you want to do is just pause. Pause, right? Don't say nothing to take a breath. We've been talking about the breathing technique, do the breathing technique, breathe in your nose, hold it for four seconds, and breathe out slowly. That's gonna help you to calm your nervous system down before you blow up on the person that's actually trying to help you. After you do that, you want to pay attention, you want to pay attention to what they're saying. Then, after they have said what they have said to you, later on that night, you want to reflect on it, just think about what they said to you. You don't have to give them any reaction. If you want to say anything, say, you know what, thank you for your concerns. I will be considerate of that, and I will pay attention to what you're saying going forward. And that's pretty much it. That's you don't have to go off on them or get mad or be disrespectful. It's just that. Now, if they keep on trying to keep giving you information, say, hey, hey, a little at a time, a little at a time. Right now, you gave me just enough that I need to watch out for. Give me that moment to pay attention to that, then come back with some more stuff later. But right now, just a little at a time. You're overwhelming me. I'm being overwhelmed, and I and I don't know what to do with this information at this moment, but I'm not gonna make a sudden decision based off of what you just told me. I need some time. That's what you can actually say to them to get them to back off. Because sometimes the warning signs that save you from your heartbreak, yeah, it comes from people who actually love you the most, and you'd be so surprised how much it can actually help you. You don't have to do everything they say, you don't have to be that person like what my mama said, what my sister said, what my brother said, or you know, they told me, um, it's all about my mama, my brother, my sister, my daddy, what they said, my friend. Then, before you know it, you're gonna have a backlash from the person that you are dating and saying, Wow, you can't think for yourself. No, you don't want that. That's why you're just going to pay attention and you're gonna watch your partner and you're gonna listen to your partner and see if any of the things that your trusted family and friends have said to you about them, is it really true? Okay, so we're gonna wrap this up. The next episode, we're going, yeah, I'm gonna begin with something different now. For you, I told you guys I was gonna teach y'all how to date. So, we're gonna talk about first date, second day, all the way to 10 days, and what you do on each date, and what things that you're gonna say about and talk about, and all those things. So, next episode, we're going to begin our very practical part of this dating series. Yes, we are, and we're going to talk about what conversation should happen on the first date. Yes, telling you, there are certain topics that reveal compatibility early that we're gonna talk about, and asking the right the right questions, they can save you months and months and even years of wasted time with the wrong person. Yes, okay, so thank you for joining me. I would love for you to share this with your friends, anyone who you know that is dating and that is looking for the one, looking for their person. This is a good time to get them on in here because when I get started with you know the next episode, we're gonna go date by date by date from date one to date 10, talking about what to ask, what questions to talk about, and what questions not to talk about at that particular time. But eventually we will get to that. So, thank you for joining me today on improving your thoughts by freeing yourself. And remember, wisdom in dating isn't about suspicious, it's not about being overly protective and overly just closed off and having a wall up or anything like that. No, it's about being aware. Yes, it's about awareness, and I will see you next time in the next episode. Signing out, Alayla.