What to Talk About on the First Date (Important Questions to Ask)

First dates can feel exciting—but they’re also an opportunity to gather meaningful insight. In this episode, we go beyond small talk and focus on the conversations that truly matter. What you ask in the beginning can reveal values, intentions, emotional maturity, and long-term compatibility.
We’ll break down the most important questions to ask on a first date without making it feel like an interview. From understanding relationship goals and lifestyle habits to identifying character, communication style, and personal growth, this episode will help you approach dating with clarity and confidence.
You’ll also learn how to listen between the lines, recognize alignment versus potential, and avoid getting swept away by charm alone. Whether you’re newly dating or getting back out there, this episode will help you date with purpose—so you can build connections that are real, intentional, and aligned with your future.

Art that you wear.

For ads

Advertisement

Transcript

Ask Yourself These Three Checks

Light Questions That Reveal Character

Watch Their Behavior In Real Time

NASA Date Pressure And Safety Lesson

Topics To Avoid Too Soon

Arrogance And Control Warning Story

After-Date Reflection Questions

Wrap Up And Next Episode Tease

SPEAKER_00 1:17

This is episode nine. What to talk about on the first date? Important question to ask. This episode begins the practical dating conversation series. Yes, we're there. This is the juicy part. The oosy goosey. Yeah, this is the part where I've been waiting to get to with you guys because I feel like this is how you're going to find your person. Yes, so where I guide you, this is where I guide you through what topics should be discussed on specific dates. So you don't waste time or overlook important compatibility clues. Welcome back to improving your thoughts by freeing yourself. I'm your host, Alayla Carol. This season we've been learning how to date properly, not rushing into relationships, not ignoring red flags, not allowing charm and emotions to cloud our judgment. We've talked about a few things already, and those things are red flags when someone gets angry, doing background checks wisely and discreetly without feeling like a stalker, detecting lies, protecting your money and assets, recognizing charmers and manipulators, why family matters. Yes, why meeting family matters? And we talked about why friends and families sometimes see red flags you ignore now. Yes, this is my favorite part of the series. I've been waiting to get to this. I have now we're moving into something extremely practical, but very, very crucial, and going to help you find your person. What conversations should happen during the early dates? Because many people go on dates and talk about things like the weather, like really, how boring and lame is that? You know, the first date. Come on, man. Also, they talk about their favorite movies, which is nothing really wrong with that, but you know, those are not giving you the substance that you need, and they talk about their favorite restaurants. You're already at a restaurant, okay? Maybe you're not, it doesn't really matter. But those are topics that most people like to talk about and lead with. Those conversations are fine, but they don't tell you who the person really is. The first date is not about integrating someone, it's about learning enough to decide if you should have a second date with them. That's what this is first date, is all about. Today, we're gonna talk about the purpose of the first date, which I just told you, but we're gonna elaborate a little more into that. We're gonna talk about what topics are safe but meaningful, we're gonna talk about what questions reveals personality and character. We're gonna talk about what you should avoid discussing too early, and we're gonna talk about how to pay attention to their behavior while they're talking and while you're talking to them. So let's begin because I got some juicy stories I want to share with you guys about some of my first dates with certain people, and also some of my third and fourth dates. Yeah, I'm gonna get into that, you know. So the purpose of the first date, let's talk about that. One of the biggest mistakes people make in dating is thinking the first date is about deciding if someone is the one. Is this my person? Oh no, you don't need to do that. It is way too soon to figure that out. This is far too much pressure on you as well as your date. The first date only has one purpose, and that purpose is to see if there is enough compatibility between the two, you and comfort to go on a second date. That is it, that's it, nothing else, right? So the first date is about paying attention to the person's personality, communication style. Respect is are they respectful to others as well as you? It's also about curiosity and basic values. How do you find all this out? That's the reason why you're gonna ask these questions I'm about to give to you. All right. So you're not going to solve the future, all right? You're not gonna be all like, oh, I see this person in my crystal ball. We're gonna have five cats, we're gonna have a big house, we're gonna travel the world together. Oh, it's going to be great. Because what you're doing when you do that, you're creating a fantasy, and you are creating unrealistic expectations that that person cannot withhold, and that is a huge disappointment to you as well as the other person that you're dating, is not fair, okay. Yes, we know life isn't fair, but you just created a scenario that made it truly unfair when you do that kind of stuff. All right, so stop doing that, all right? Here I am teaching you how to do it right, all right. So, what you're gonna do, you're going to simply ask yourself. First, you're gonna ask yourself questions before you ask them questions because this is how this will work. It always begins with you first. You're gonna ask yourself, do I enjoy talking to this person? So when you are talking to someone and they're you're on a date and they take you out and all that, and you're sitting there and you're talking to them, you're asking yourself, Do I enjoy this person? Yeah, am I enjoying this person's company at this particular time? Is this person making me feel like I want more from them? That's what you're going to be doing. Then you're gonna ask yourself, do they listen when I speak? Because that is a big factor. Because if you get into a serious relationship with them, you're gonna be getting what you are experiencing, and that is the reason why you need to pay attention. Are they a great listener? Do they listen to listen? Like we said in the last episode. Okay, and then you're gonna ask yourself these are three questions that you ask yourself. Then you're gonna ask yourself, are they respectful and emotionally stable? Because they might not be emotionally stable, and you can find that out by asking these simple questions that I'm going to give you. All right, so here's another important point I want to first give you before we start getting to the questions to ask the first date should feel like a conversation, not an interview. All right, you are sharing about yourself while also listening to them share about themselves to you. But the question you ask can reveal a lot about a person's mindset. We're getting into the mind of the person that you are talking to, but you're not going to get into their mind by integrating them like you are a detective. No, you're not gonna do that. You're going to listen by asking valuable questions without it feeling like an interview, it's gonna flow natural into your conversation, okay? So let's talk about the light but meaningful first date topics. All right, we're gonna talk about some great conversation starters for the first date. These questions feel natural but reveal important personality traits. Now keep this in mind. You might want to get a pen, paper, you might want to write some of this down. I really advise you to write this down because you're not gonna remember it off top of your head. So when you're about to go on your first date or whatever, I asked you to do this in person because if you do this over the phone, you're not gonna get all the details about the person the way you need if you were sitting in front of them or you know, with them in person, because you can feel energy really well when you are in their presence, and that's the reason why you need to ask these particular questions in person, not over the phone, and especially not in a text message. Text messages do not give you information like you think they do, they don't. What text messages does for you is hide you, it can hide you and it can also hide them, so you don't get what you are needing from a text message. So let's not even go into text messages at this point, all right? So your first date, they take you out, you get dressed up, you're cute, you're looking good, you smell good, you feel good, you ready. Okay, you you get picked up, or you don't want to go pick them up, and you go out to a nice restaurant or something like that. You sit down in front of the person, they in front of you, and y'all sitting there and you're talking and everything. So you're literally having a conversation about anything that you're choosing to talk about at the moment, but you eventually get to these questions somewhere in the date before it's over with. So these are the questions you're gonna bring up. You're gonna say, This is question number one, you're gonna ask about their passion. Because you could ask something like this. This is a question to write down. So write it down. What do you enjoy doing when you're not working? Notice I'm not talking about their job, I'm talking about what they're doing when they're not working, all right? Then you're gonna listen for the question being answered. You want to pay attention to what they're actually saying and how they're saying it. What energy do you feel while they're talking to you? Is it excitement? Is it something that doesn't feel too comfortable to talk about? What is it? Are they vague about their answer? They're not giving too much of an answer. Because what this question reveals to you is that you get to learn their hobbies, you get to learn about their energy level, yeah, you get to figure that out, and you get to learn their lifestyle because this is what they do when they're not working. Someone who has a healthy hobby often has a balanced lifestyle, all right? They also have a balanced life, and that is important to know how you are going to fit in into that equation. So, here's another question you're going to ask. Here's some more questions. I'm gonna say just another, but some more questions that you're gonna ask to learn about their work in what what positive way. Now, we already talked about what they do when they're not working. Let's talk about what they do when they are working, okay? So you can ask this question here because it's gonna give you some information about their work in a positive way, though, not the negative way, but you want to know about how they reveal themselves and how their work is to them. Do they like their job, hate their job, like working, hate working, those type of things. So, what you're gonna do instead of asking this type of question here, how much money do you make? What you're gonna do is try to ask them. So, write this down. Write this question down right here. You're gonna ask, What do you enjoy most about your work? Yeah, that's what you're gonna ask. What do they enjoy most about what it is they do? Somebody who's working, especially if they've been working for a while, they should be able to have something about their job that they enjoy. It might even be, oh, I enjoy that we get three breaks a night. Like how I when I used to work at Hewlett Packard, I love that we got three breaks a night because we got two 15-minute breaks and one 30-minute break. Okay, that equals out to an hour, but then we didn't take them all at one time, one whole hour. So it had broke this the night down in parts, which made it easy for me to get through the graveyard shift. Because trust me, working overnight is hard to do it for anyone. So that was something that I enjoyed the most. That was the first thing I enjoyed. Then after that, I enjoyed the people that I worked with because I didn't have to deal with customers, I only dealt with the people that I worked with, my co-workers and my bosses and stuff like that, which was made which actually made the work less stressful because I had to deal with the complaints of a customer. Then the other thing I enjoyed the most about my job was that even though I didn't have to deal with complaints of the customer, that made it easy for us to wear wherever we wanted to wear. So I wore clothing that I wanted to feel cute in, not too sexy, but cute, you know. So there was times when I would come in, especially on a Friday, if I knew sometimes when we was in our slow period, because whenever we were in our slow period, we had a time where we didn't work the whole night. They would ask for volunteers to go home. So I would dress up in an outfit that I can go out to the club in, but not inappropriate for work. So that way I gotta do is put my heels on and jet up out of there. So I have my face done, makeup done, and I have my heels on, and well, not my heels, but my tennis shoes, because I wore tennis shoes when I was working or boots, and then whenever they say, Hey, anybody won't volunteer to go home early, I would be the first to get in line and put my name on the list, and I'd be out of the door and throw my heels on and be at the club. So those things I enjoyed by work. So did I enjoy to work what I was doing? Yeah, I did too. I can go on and on about that too. But those were the three things that I really liked about my job. And when you're talking to somebody, they should have something in the lines of excitement about what they like about their job. That's what I'm saying. Okay, so what this reveals is the work ethnic that they have, attitude towards responsibility, and it also reveals personal fulfillment. So pay attention to whether they speak positively or consistently complain about what they do at their job. Now, what I just described, the three things I describe, is the reason what is the reason why I stayed at my job for 11 years. Because I found those three things to help me find the balance in what it was that I was doing to keep me there and not go bounce around from job to job. That was what made it exciting for me. I enjoyed the people I was working with. I enjoyed the fact that if it was a slow night, we got a chance to go home early. I can go and have a nightlife. Because trust me, working overnight, I did not have a nightlife. All I had was a daylife, and still then I didn't have a daylife because I slept most of the time during the day. And of course, at the weekend, because we were off every Friday and Saturday, I mean every Saturday and Sunday, and plus holidays, but it still was what it was, and of course, the breaks that means I didn't have to constantly keep waiting for our lunch to enjoy being able to drink a cup of coffee or something like that, you know. Now, the next question we're gonna talk about is that this here is gonna help you to you're gonna ask about their travel and their experiences, like what it is that they do. So, for example, you ask this question here. I want you to write this down. You're gonna ask, what's one place you visit that really left an impression on you? And what this does, this helps you to see curiosity about the world, like where where do they stand? Where are their curiosity when it comes to the world that they're living in? It also helps you to see culture openness. Are they mindset closed off? Or do they actually see the open world and the people that live in it as being different from them? And it's okay because that's a part of life. Like me, I love diversity. I do. When I worked at Healer Packard, I talk about Healer Package a lot because that was 11 years of my young life all the way to now until I turned what 30 eight, 37, 37, that's what it was. So I started there when I was 25 years old, and I worked there until I was actually 36. I worked there until I was 36, and I worked with so many different people. When I'm talking about from all walks of life, there were people from Egypt, that was people from the Middle East, all up in that area. Um, people Africans, I work with um all different types of Africans from Nigeria to Ethiopians to um Kenyans. I mean, like it was a bunch of them. And I work with um Americans, a lot of us, you know, and I work with Hispanics, um, Spain, people from Spain. Oh man, I work with all kinds of people, Chinese people, all Japanese. When I say I work with everyone, every part of life as Hewlett Packard, I did, and it opened my mind to diversity, and it made me want to travel the world and see more about this world because I got a chance to talk to people, get a chance to hear their side of their life and what they do and how they live, and how we were so different but yet so much alike. And that's what you'll get a chance to see if your date is open to that or close off to that, because you might be closed off to that, and they might be open to that, and they can introduce you into a new situation that helped broaden your horizons, or it might be vice versa, or it might be to where you're into that, into culture openness, and they just say, I refuse, I don't want that, I don't care about that. You get a chance to see your compatibility, okay? But it also helps you to have a sense of do they have a sense of adventure? Because if you the type of person that's librarie, you're not a homebody, you want to get out and do things, and this person is literally talking about they love being at home, sitting around doing nothing, you're in this is what you're in for. You're gonna find this person doing exactly what they say they're gonna do, and then you're gonna be disappointed thinking that you was gonna be the one that changed them, baby. Let me tell you something. Don't ever get into a relationship with anyone expecting to change them because you're gonna have a hard enough time trying to do that, and you never ever will be able to enjoy their. Company, you won't be able to enjoy the relationship at all because you're constantly trying to change this person. That is the worst, absolutely disgusting thing to do. To get into a relationship with someone and think that you can change them. Get that out of your mind. We have enough problems, a hard enough time trying to change ourselves, let alone trying to change another human being. Can't even change your own children, let alone a grown-up. So let's not do that, okay? So here's another question that I want you to ask, because this is going to help you to learn about their personality growth, the personal growth that they have dealt with in their life and the things that went on with them, okay? So a powerful this is powerful, but it's it's a natural question to ask. So I want you to write this down, okay? You're gonna write down this here. You're gonna say, you're gonna write down, and you're gonna you're gonna ask this question on your day. You're gonna say, what's something you've learned about yourself in the past few years? Because you want to see if they take accountability, because you will find so many people who blame everybody else for their problems, okay? So you want to know what kind of emotional maturity do they have? Because emotional maturity, mature people, they enjoy reflecting on growth. I know I do. That's why I talk a lot about some of the things I went through and how I've changed, because it shows me that I have changed. That should have taught them a lesson instead of them trying to avoid it. So after you have discovered all that information, now we're going to move into the friendship situations because you need to know if your date cares about people, all right? So you're gonna ask what they value in friendship. So the question that you're gonna ask is this here. You're gonna write this down, all right, and this is what you're gonna ask them. You're gonna say, What do you appreciate most about your closest friends? And they're gonna be thinking, like, okay, she asked a lot of deep questions, but at the same time, they're necessary. You're not gonna ask them back to back, back to back, back to back. These questions you will not ask all five of these questions back to back. All right, you're going to give them time to talk, answer your question, let them talk a little bit more about whatever they talk about. They might even answer some of the questions that you have for them before you even get a chance to ask them. So that's why you want to let them talk because it's supposed to be natural and flow, all right? Supposed to be a flowing conversation, not something that you're thinking about and saying, Okay, what's the next question I need to ask them? And they're thinking, like, are you okay? Because you sure looking like you trying to figure out what to say to me, and you don't want to do that, you want to just remember the question. That's why I gave you five. And these five, what these questions often reveal is how they treat you, okay? How are they going to be with you? So when you ask them the questions about their friends, it's gonna actually help you to understand how they care about people, all right. So let's move on. Let's talk about paying attention to behavior during conversations because when you're talking to somebody that you're date, your conversation should flow so naturally that you feel so comfortable with them, all right? But you still got your guard up now. Don't let the guard down just because you feel comfortable with them, all right. The first day is not only about listening to questions and answers, all right? It's not about just listening to the answer that they give you to your questions, it's also about paying attention to their behavior while you're talking to them, especially when they're answering your questions. What you're going to do is watch out for these important signals. Do they listen? Do they allow you to finish speaking? Because if they interrupt you, that's a problem. Because if they are interrupting you, they don't want to actually answer your questions, and they're gonna do this throughout your relationship, not allowing you to finish anything that you need to talk about or that you are talking about. It doesn't have to be super important that you're talking about something, it's the fact that they're actually not listening to you and they're not respecting you. Respectful communication is essential in relationships. That's the reason why when a person asks an older couple who's been married for so long, what is the secret to your marriage? Most of them will say communication, most of them, some will say something different, but communication is definitely important, all right. Do they ask you questions? That's what you want to also pay attention to. You're not always doing the one, uh you're not always the one asking the questions, do they ask you questions? Because they should they should be asking you questions, yes, they should. If someone spends the entire date, if your date literally is spending the whole night or moment talking about themselves, that can indicate to you self-centeredness, that they are self-centered, that they have a lack of curiosity about you, and that they lack empathy, which means that they could be a narcissist. Be very careful. I need you to be so careful with this because you might find yourself talking the whole time, and they're not really they're not really asking you any questions. Yeah, they're gonna answer your questions, and so that means they're talking, but they're not asking you questions, and they should be asking you questions about yourself. And when they ask you questions, you should be able to finish answering it, and they should be actually listening to you, and they should be absorbing your behavior as well. If they're not paying attention to your behavior, as that's gonna say they're not that curious. Yeah, it's a lot of curiosity on their part. Healthy people are curious about others, that is so what it is. You're dating me, you should be curious about me too. Also, you want to pay attention to are they kind to others? Because this is a big red flag. If they're not kind to other people, oh my goodness, pay attention to how they treat other people, how they treat the waiter that is there, the waitress, how are they treating them? Are they courteous to them? Do they leave a tip? If the tip is the tip generous enough to compliment the service that they gave, and you gotta pay attention to that too. Me and my husband go out, we give a tip every single time, every time. We have had some waiters who wasn't that great, and I'll be like, Well, babe, um, you normally leave a nice big tip, but I would say don't leave a tip at all, but I'm not gonna say that because I know how it is to serve people because I do serve people on the plane, it'll probably be best to just do don't don't just not give them every big old tip, but give them something, you know. Yeah, you can do that. I mean, that's what I'm saying. So, how are they treating the waitress? How they treat the staff, strangers, other people when y'all go around when you're talking and somebody passes by or whatever, how how they are they staring that person down to where they're not paying attention to you because that can happen as well. So, yes, definitely pay attention to how they treat others. Someone who is rude to service workers may eventually treat you the same way, so you want to be careful with that, all right? And then you want to make sure do they stories sound consistent when they're talking? Yeah, listen carefully, or the details of their life making sense because some people can be so elaborate with some of the stuff they say, or some people can be so depressing, so you want to make sure your data is is it doesn't make sense, or are things already sounding X like very over the top? If it's over the top, oh my goodness, yeah, this person might be in another world, you know. It could be true though. What are they saying? Could be true, but you still, if even if it is true, you want to evaluate do I really want to be in that type of world? The first date often reveals early signs of honesty and dishonesty. That's the reason why you want to be careful with your first date. Do you feel comfortable? Is the question that you need to be asking yourself while you're on your first date. Because there's been times when I've been on first date, I've been feeling I have felt uncomfortable. So I'll give you an example. I tell you I wanted to tell you a few stories. So there was this one guy, he works for NASA. I met him online, and he was a black dude, and um, we went out to eat at a restaurant. I always go out prepared because you just never know how the date is gonna be. So I make sure I have enough money to pay for my own meal. So whatever I order on the menu, I make sure I can afford it. And I drove my car to the restaurant and have him pick me up, and that was one of my things. I didn't have too many people come to my house because I was a single woman, I lived alone. So I will make sure the date was doing daylight hours most of the time. Every now and then it will fall dark on the way home or something like that. And I remember we were sitting at the table across from each other, and we were just talking about our lifestyle and what we do, and he was telling me that he had been single for eight years, he haven't had a relationship with nobody in eight years. He didn't say nothing about not having sex with no one, he just said a relationship. It's like I haven't been in a relationship for eight years, and I'm looking for a girlfriend, and I'm looking for a girlfriend now, right now, and I was like, Oh, okay, cool, you know, that's fine. And at this particular time, I was still in the phase of just dating and not looking for a boyfriend. Yeah, I was still there, I was this was all around the same time, and I didn't just tell him off the back that I wasn't looking for a boyfriend. What I told him was, well, we'll see about that. You know, we'll see how this go. You never know. Things might work out, you might find your girlfriend, things might not work out. I don't know. Let's just enjoy each other right now, today, and get to know each other. This is my first time meeting you face to face. We talked over the phone, but not enough to where I got the opportunity to say, I actually know you because I don't. And so the date went on a little bit more. We ate our food and everything. While I was eating, he mentioned to me, he said, I really like you, and I want to go ahead and make this official. I want you to be my girlfriend. Will you be my girlfriend? I damn near choked on my food. I was like, What? Okay, hold up. I'm coughing and going on. I'm like, are you serious right now? I know you said you want a girlfriend, but you can't tell me that you're making this decision at this moment. The date ain't even over with yet. Like, no. And I told him that. I said, No, I cannot be your girlfriend right now. I just met you. And so he was like, Nah, I think you're the one. You're good, you're good. I like you. And I'm thinking, like, you don't even know me. How do you think I'm the one? You don't even know me. We just really just started talking. So I started feeling the pressure. Now I started feeling uncomfortable. Because then he sat back in his seat, kind of like agitated. And that's where the discomfort came in that because I felt the energy shift. And he was looking like, well, um, you know, I'm looking for a girlfriend. I'm not just taking you out to eat just to get you a bite to eat. So you're either gonna be my girlfriend or we're gonna end this date right now. I was like, this dude's serious. So what I did, I said, excuse me for a moment, I'll be right back. I gotta go to the restroom. So I got up from my seat. I walked up to the waiter. It was a guy, I walked up to the waiter who served us, and I told him, I said, Hey, I'm ready for the check. Make the check separate. I'm gonna go into the bathroom. When I come out of the bathroom, I need you to give me my check. I'm going to pay my part, he's gonna pay his own part, and then I'm gonna exit the restaurant. I'm not even gonna go back and sit down. And he said, Okay, that's fine. So I went into the restroom and I stayed in there for quite a while just to give the waiter enough time to cut the check, the bill, or whatever. And when I came out, I did exactly what I said I was gonna do. I walked over after I finished paying for the bill. I walked over to the guy. He was still sitting there waiting on me to come out of the restroom. I walked over to him and I said, It is very nice to meet you. I said, A guy like you who worked for NASA. I said you're an engineer, you I know you make good money and everything. I really think that you'll find who you're looking for, but I'm not the girl, I'm not gonna let you rush me. I'm not ready for a relationship. If you would have just given me enough time to really get to know you, you probably would have got a girlfriend out of me. But your personality right now is making me feel very uncomfortable, so I will prefer to end the date right now. I have already paid my part of the bill, so you I'm pretty sure he probably gave you the check by now, or he's on his way to give it to you. But I'm gonna go ahead and excuse myself. The date is over. So I walked out. He kind of got up off the seat with a little attitude, like he was feeling himself like, Who the hell you think you are? Uh yeah, you're right. I do make good money. And he did say that to me. He said it to me as I was walking out the door. He said, I do make good money. So who the hell you think you're talking to? Like that. I turned around and looked. I said, Oh, I read his body language real good. So I went on and got in my car. Oh, this is where it really got good at you guys. Oh, it got real good this part. So I got in my car. I didn't know that he parked next to me. I didn't know because I didn't know what vehicle he rode in. See, keep in mind, I never really seen him in person. We met online, so he had parked directly next to me. I got in my car, he walked out the restaurant and got in his car. He saw me sitting in my car. I tried to start my car before he got out the dang on restaurant, and my battery was dead. I'm not making this up. I'm serious. My battery was dead. I instantly kind of got embarrassed a little bit, but then I calmed down real quick and I realized who I am. I said, I know who I am. I am freaking a layla. Oh no, this is not gonna stop me, and this is not gonna break me. And this guy is not finna get the best of me. So he noticed that my car wasn't starting, so he sat in his car. He got in his car and set in there, and I'm still just sitting here trying to crank my car. It ain't doing, it's gonna click, click, click. Sound like the starter, right? And you know, and I'm thinking like, isn't it the starter or the battery? But I'm like, nah, that's not the starter, that's gonna be the battery, and it ain't making because the lights wasn't coming on, my radio wasn't coming on. I'm like, okay, that's not the starter, that is actually the battery. Now I know a little bit about car because my dad's a mechanic, my my brother, he didn't fix some car, my cousins, I can keep going on and on, my ex-boyfriend, all that. So I know something about some cars. So I was like, nah, that's the battery. So I was like, uh, all I need is someone to bring me a battery, put that thing in, I can go on here with my business, you know. So I was thinking, who can I get to bring me a battery? I'm also thinking, why this guy still sitting in the car? He could at least. My thought was he was a gentleman, he would have came and checked on me. He would have said, Are you okay? I'm noticing your car is not working. No, this dude was in his feelings, literally. Like, I am gonna watch you sit here and I'm gonna just make you feel more uncomfortable. Look at you, your battery not working, your car ain't working. And I say to him, I say, you know what? I don't care. I don't care. I said, I'm gonna be alright. It's still bright outside, daylight, still daylight, you know. So I'm gonna be alright. So what I did, I got on the phone, I called one of my friends, a guy friend. But I have a lot of guy friends, and now one thing about me with my guy friends, I know that they have my back. Mm-hmm. I know that they really genuinely freaking care about my safety and well-being. I know this. I also know that they actually like me, and if they was given the chance and opportunity, they would take it. I'm not stupid, I do know that too. But they also respect our friendship more than them trying me, you know. So I called one of my friends, God rest his soul, he passed away. I had called he passed away with cancer, so I had I called him up and I say, Hey Andre, look, this is what's going on. I'm out here at Papado's, my car is not working. I need and Papado's is a um it's a chain of restaurants, by the way. They do seafood, they do Cajun barbecue, they do um Mexican food. This one I was at at the suite, uh, a Cajun restaurant. Matter of fact, so I was like, Am I here at the Cajun one? Off of um, I told him the name of the street and all that. I said, Can you do me a huge favor? My car is not working, the battery is out. He said, You sure it's the battery? I said, I'm positive it's the battery. Bring me a battery. Can you go to the auto store and bring me a battery? And um, he was like, Okay, I'll be there in an hour. I sat there and waited an hour for Andre to show up. Tell me why that guy was still sitting in his car watching me. Yeah, he was. That was the most freakiest, creepiest thing ever. And I knew I had to get a guy to come and help me put this car battery in so he can see that I was not alone. Yeah, I darsed a bullet on that one. So when Andre showed up and he saw him open my hood and put the battery in, that's when he cranked his car and he left. And I was like, Oh my god, I literally darsed a bullet because that was some creepy craziness right there. Yeah, so I'm telling you, y'all gotta be careful and pay attention to these people's personalities, man, and listen well. Yes, listen well, all right. So let's move on, let's talk about topics to avoid on the first date. Yeah, now what we're gonna talk about is conversations that are usually too heavy for the first date, and these are savior conversations. If you really like the person and you want a second date, please avoid asking or talking about these particular topics here. You want to avoid talking about deep trauma, anything that happened to you, or even if they are trying to um bring it up, yeah, you want to avoid those type of topics. Now, let's say if they bring it up, instead of being rude and cutting them off, just say to them, excuse me, I don't want to be rude to you, and I am pretty sure that what you went through is tragic or whatever, but I'm really trying to have a light moment here on this date, and what you're saying is is bringing me to tears, and I would prefer not to cry in front of you. That's what I'm saying. You can kind of act like you're being so sensitive to them, to where it doesn't seem like you're pushing them off, all right? And they should be understanding to that, hopefully, and then when you're ready to talk about that, then bring it up to them and Say, you know, I think I'm able to handle what you were trying to tell me on our first date, and I'm I'm I'm strong enough now to listen, and then there they might share, they might not. It doesn't really matter, it's up to them if they choose to or not. So you don't you don't need to share your most painful life experiences immediately, all right? Not on the first date. No, you want to trust the build up gradually, let it just build naturally, okay. Also, you want to avoid financial disclosure. Do not discuss your income, your savings, your assets. We already talked about that in the other episodes about why you need to protect your money and your assets. Don't talk about it. That way, you don't give them the opportunity to want to dip into it, alright? Financial conversations come later when the trust is established. That's when you talk about that kind of stuff. Also, ladies, men's do this too, but especially ladies, avoid marriage pressure, all right? Don't ask your date on the first date when are you planning to get married? Do you see yourself getting married again? That kind of stuff. No, we're not we're not at that level yet. So don't don't go there with them. That can make the interaction feel forced, like you're really desperate to get married. This is why you're out here dating, you're really trying to find a husband. You ain't just trying to find a husband, you're trying to find any husband. No, don't do that, or any wife, don't do that. Yeah, so the early stage should focus on getting to know each other, not rushing to commitment. You also want to avoid complaining about ex-partners. Nobody needs to know about what your ex did to you, not on the first date, all right? Speaking negle negatively about past partners on the first date can create discomfort for your date. Instead, what you want to do is focus on lessons that you've learned about your past relationships, what you've learned about it, you know, what accountability that you can take from what you happened in your last relationship, all right? Focus on learning about your present person that's sitting in front of you as well. If you're gonna bring up anything about the last date, you're gonna talk about anything that you can hold yourself accountable to, all right? That shows that you have that you have accountability, but you also don't want to dwell on that, you don't want to stay lingering into that. Don't do that, all right. You want to also most definitely focus on the present person on your date that's sitting right there in front of you. That's what this date is about, it's not about your past relationship, it's about the person that's sitting right there. So, I'm gonna share another story with you about another date that I had. So, this was like in the fourth dating. This is when this situation happened. So, this person, he saw me as his girlfriend, I saw him as a person that I was getting to know. Yes, we had already had sex, that's why he saw me as his girlfriend, but I didn't see it that way. I had my reasons for this, I was ready for a relationship, so I'm not gonna sit here and act like I wasn't. This is years later, after the dating experience that I was having, after the time when I was like, I don't want a relationship, I just want to date. No, this is way past that, all right. Now I'm ready for a relationship, but at the same time, I knew that this person that I was seeing was somebody that I needed to be careful with. That's how I felt because his personality was very strong to me. And I'm gonna give you the reason why I was strong, show you some examples. So oh my goodness, this person has had an attitude for you to tell. He was arrogant to me in my mind. He was very arrogant, that's how I felt. And the way he grew up, I could tell he grew up poor. I can tell that he did not have a lot as a child because he was he grew up in the south side of Chicago, he moved to Houston, and when I met him online, by the way, and the thing about him was that I was on a dating site looking to start dating someone seriously now, and this was a pan dating site, it wasn't a free one, so I figured I should find some quality men. That's my thought, you know. And he was an engineer, matter of fact, he still is an engineer, and he was making really good money and everything. He owned his own house, he he he drew nice cars. Matter of fact, he built one of his cars, and I was like, you know, I like him and everything, I like his mindset, I like how he is when it comes to his adventures, and and I like to be adventures and all that stuff like that. But the compatibility when it came to the personality, he can argue you down, and he was proud of that. And he used to say to me, Oh, you're not gonna win this argument, oh, you're not gonna win this argument. Oh, I can argue all day long. Oh, let's go, let's go. And I used to be like, No, I'm not gonna argue with you, I'm not even gonna say anything else. I'm just gonna stay quiet. And I would be quiet, like seriously, quiet, because I didn't want to go there because he was ready to do it. And he would show off the things that he've done, and he like, look what I did. Oh, I bet you don't know nobody who do this, who can do this. And I'm thinking, like, okay, um, this is nice. I'm glad you're able to do this, but why are you tooting your own horn? It was turning me off. And then after that, I was like, Okay, I love how he was with his kids. He had two kids, a boy and a girl. I love his relationship with his kids. I think that's what really kept me more in tune with him because I could see that he had a gentle side about him. And then he introduced me to his his family, his, his, his siblings, his, his, his, his daddy, and you know, his mom still stayed in Chicago, so I didn't get to meet her personally, but I did um have a conversation with her over the phone. And it was, I mean, so basically it seemed like things was cool until this one day. This one night we went to the movies, we went to go see Sparkles, the second version of Sparkle, the one with Winnie Houston that made had made. I've never forgotten it. We got to the movies pretty early, and we sat down in our seats, and we sat in a seat where there was one empty seat next to me, and there was one empty seat next to him, and a couple showed up. The movie was about to begin, it hadn't started yet, but it was about to begin. It was already doing the previews and everything, and the couple came and asked, Is it possible for us to move down one seat, no matter what direction, left or right, so he can sit next to his girl. And this dude, this fool went off on the guy. He said to him, No, we're not moving. I pay for this seat, and if we can get here early and pick the right seats, you should have got here early and picked the right seats. Too bad, so sad. I'm not moving. And keep in mind, I didn't mention the theater was packed, so it wasn't like very many options that the person could choose from, that the um the couple can choose from. I have a generous heart, I have a generous spirit, I am kind. I was willing to get up and move. When I got my butt up out of that seat, he grabbed me and slung me back down in that seat and said, Don't you move, don't you go nowhere. I was like, Oh, oh, okay. I don't want to start no scene in the movie theater. I really want to see the movie. Oh my god, this is embarrassing. I was so embarrassed. Not only I was embarrassed, I was uncomfortable, and I didn't know what to do but to just stay my butt in that seat and not move. So when the movie was over, on the way back to his house, he was going off. He was telling me, Don't you ever do that again. Don't you ever get up out of your seat or do anything like that. Don't undermine what I say. If I said that I we're not moving, you're not gonna get up and move from now on. Whenever we go somewhere, I take the lead on everything. And I was like, Oh, he got me all messed up. I'm not finna stay in this type of relationship. See, I was trying, I was trying, but I can't do this. So I stayed the night because I was very already ready to go home. I lived by myself at this point. I have my own place. Well, it's good to have your own place, you can go. But I didn't want to make it like I'm gonna argue or whatever. So I was real slick with it, I was very slick with it, you know. So what I did was I said, okay, I'm going to take my tail home, and I'm not finna stay in this situation at all. And this is before my second husband, okay. I was in my right mind. So after the next day, I went home. I didn't call him. I didn't even want to talk to him, period. And then the next day passed, same thing. I didn't want to talk to him, period. I was thinking, like, okay, well, cool. A few days have passed and I haven't talked to him. Then he ended up calling me and he was like, hey, I'm over here by your house. Um, one of my cars is malfunctioning. One of the ones that he built is malfunctioning. I need to um get this car home, but I need to get a tow truck to get my car home. I need you to come pick me up so you can I can ride with you on the way home while they told my car to my house. The nice person I am, I decide to do it, and I say, okay, I'm gonna do that for him. So I end up, and plus he was close by my house too. I don't know why he was close, but oh, I know why he was close by my house. His job was close by my house. I almost thought about it for a second. Dude, what you doing over here? Because you live in Katie, and I'm way over here in the north side. Why are you over here? So he ended up saying I have to go to my job to go do something, whatever. His job was literally down the way from where I lived at. So, hey, I gave that the benefit of the doubt. When we got to his house, the tow man was taking the car off the wrecker, off the back of the truck, and he scraped the bumper of his car. Yet again, old dude went ballistic. He went off on the tow man. I mean, he went off so badly on that toe man. I was like, oh my god. He like, you know how much this car costs? This is a$90,000 fucking car, yada yada. But he was going off, and I was like, Oh, it's time to go home. It's time to go home, it's time to get up out of here. This dude is crazy. So I was and at this point in my life, I had a peaceful life. I didn't have all this chaos going on and drama, none of that, you know. So I'm like, this is too much. So what ended up happening for me was that I was thinking, this gas to be over with, like for real. I have to tell him that I don't want no more with this relationship. I really want out. And remember, he I'm his girlfriend, but he's not my boyfriend. This is why you gotta communicate with each other on your dating when you're already to be in a relationship because they really will think that you are in one and put you in one without you even knowing it. So, anyways, to make a long story short, I'm gonna end this podcast. We're gonna end up um ending it and everything. So, what ended up happening was I started trying to figure out a way to help him calm down after the toll man, after the tall man left. And I used the word calm down to him when he came in the house. I said, But you gotta have to calm down. Well, I didn't call him babe. Only person I call babe is my husband that I'm with right now. I said to him, I think I I don't know if I call it by his name or whatever, but I know I said you need to calm down. And he was like, Calm down, calm down. You ain't telling me to calm down. Who, who, who, who calm down? So I gotta calm down. Oh he walked back and forth, back and forth through the bedroom, to the living room, to the bedroom, living room, kitchen. Calm down, calm down. You ain't telling me to calm down. I mean, he was going back and forth, back and forth. I was like, oh my goodness, did I say the wrong thing? He does need to calm down. It's not that serious, it's not that serious, it's not that serious. And then I got to a point where I was like, oh, it's time for me to go home. I'm gonna go ahead and go home. I'm gonna go ahead and go home. He's like, no, no, no, no, no, don't go home, don't go home, don't go home. He said, Um, you know what? You're right, you're right. I do need to calm down. Give me some time to calm down, don't go home. And I was like, oh, shoot. I guess I'm gonna be a little stuck here for a little while. So I sat on the couch, and he ended up getting on the phone talking to somebody. I don't know who the person was, if it was his baby mama or whoever she was, he was talking to a female, and then he got off the phone with her, and he was like, you know, he said to me, he said, you know, my daughter likes you. That's what he told me. See, my daughter likes you, and I like that she likes you. She doesn't like too many people, and I don't have too many people around her anyway, but she really likes you, and I would like for you and her to hang out sometime. Her daughter was 10 years old, okay? Like my son is you know 12. And I was like, When did I get this role? Because I didn't know about this role, that's not something that I was ready for. And then he's like to me, he said, you know, I got a vasectomy, and I ain't planning on having no more kids and nothing like that. So my son, you know, he's grown and everything, and my daughter, I I really believe that y'all would be you'll be good for her. And I'm like, What? You got a vasectomy? I didn't even know that either. That was when I really decided this is I'm out of here. This this is it, this is it. I can't do this. This is not a relationship for me. My relationship gotta be with someone who wants to have children. At this time, I was 34 years old, going on 35. And I was like, nah, girl, uh my my clock is ticking, ticking, ticking, ticking, like for real. And I'd already gone to go and get myself checked to see what was going on with me, and I found out what was going on with me, and I realized that I had a small window, very small window, and I ended the relationship. I sure did. I was like, this is it. So when I went home, I didn't call him no more, I didn't text him no more. When he called me, I didn't respond for a good while until he found out I was seeing someone else. He found out I was seeing someone else when I was I posted this guy who I was seeing on Facebook, and he was like, That's who you dumped me for. And of course, he went off on me talking about you, you you downgraded, you downgraded, you you downgraded all this stuff. I'm like, whatever, dude. So please be careful about these, these what I'm giving, I'm giving you information to use, all right. Your first date, it should re have reflection questions. You should have reflection questions for your first date. After the first date ends, what you're gonna do is take a moment to reflect. You're gonna ask yourself these questions. You're gonna lie in the bed, or you're gonna sit on the couch, or you're gonna write down in your notebook, your journal, whatever, and you're gonna ask yourself, did the conversation flow natural naturally? It should be a yes. This is how you're gonna know if you're gonna have a second date or not. Then you're gonna ask yourself, did they respect my boundaries? They might not even they don't they're not even gonna know your boundaries, but you would know if a boundary is being crossed just by your reaction to them. So let's say for instance, you don't like to be touched that much and they touch you feeling. They don't know that you don't like to be touched, but if you pulled your hand away a few times and they continue to keep reaching for it, or you slid over to the side and they kept trying to grab you by the waist, that's a boundary. So that they respect that, you know? If they try to keep leaning in for a kiss and you wasn't ready for a kiss and they kept leaning in for that, yo, those are boundaries, okay? That's what you want to pay attention to. Also, you want to ask yourself, did they listen when I spoke? Well, they listened to. You also want to ask yourself, did that story seem honest when they was telling me about their life? Mm-hmm. Then you want to ask yourself, did I feel comfortable being myself around them when I was on that date? Yeah. Now, I want you to know that the most important question that you need to really ask yourself is this one right here. Do I feel curious enough to see them again? Because you might or you might not feel curious enough to see them again. This is how you know if you got a second date. The goal is not perfection, no one is perfect. The goal is potential compatibility. That's the goal. All right. Now let's wrap it up. All right. Today we talked about how to approach the first date with wisdom and awareness. Well, the first date is about light but meaningful conversation, paying attention to their character as they talk and the things that they do, listening carefully to what they're saying, and trusting your intuition. Remember, dating properly means taking your time. You don't need to rush emotional attachment. Please don't do that. All right, so in the next episode, we are going to talk about something equally important to the first date. We're gonna talk about the second date. Yes, what conversation should happen on the second date? The questions that uh begin to reveal deeper characteristics and relationship intentions. Now you get to see why they are dating you, why are you dating them? All right, so thank you for joining me today in improving your thoughts by freeing yourself. And remember, healthy relationships begin with thoughtful conversations. I'll see you in the next episode. Signing out, Alayla.