(Important Questions to have) 6 Through 8 Date Conversations: Family, Finances, and Lifestyle Compatibility

As dating moves beyond the early stages, clarity becomes essential. In this episode, we dive into the critical conversations that should happen between dates six through eight—where real compatibility is either confirmed or questioned. This is the stage where surface-level attraction must align with deeper life realities.
We explore how to navigate discussions around family dynamics, financial habits, long-term goals, and everyday lifestyle choices. You’ll learn how to ask meaningful questions that reveal values, expectations, and emotional maturity—without feeling forced or overwhelming. From understanding how someone manages money to how they prioritize family and structure their daily life, these conversations can save you from future misalignment.
This episode will help you identify whether you’re truly building toward something sustainable or simply enjoying the moment without direction. If you’re ready to date with intention and protect your future, this is a must-listen.

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Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Welcome back to Improving Your Thoughts by Freeing Yourself. I'm your host, Alayla Carroll. And today's topic, we're going to be talking about six through the eight date conversations. We're going to talk about family, finances, and lifestyle compatibility. Our last episode, we talked about emotional compatibility. Today we're going to talk about lifestyle compatibility, what we do in our everyday life, our structure of way of living, the way we live day by day. This season we've been walking step by step through how to date properly. Not rushing, not ignoring warning signs, not allowing emotional emotions to replace our wisdom. Okay. So so far we've talked about the red flags and warning behaviors. We talked about background checks and protecting yourself. We talked about detecting lies and

Why Dates Six To Eight Matter

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manipulation. We talked about recognizing charmers. We talked about why family and friends can see things you might miss. And we talked about what to talk about on the first date through the fifth date. So now we're on date number six, seven, and eight. Everything I talk about in this specific episode, this episode here, you are going to be talking about it on your sixth date, your seventh date, and your eighth date. These conversations must be had around this time because when you get to that last date, that tenth date, that is when you will be making your decision whether or not you want to continue seeing this person, and if you want to make it official. Now I know it's not that easy to go through 10 dates with somebody and not call yourself something for as boyfriend, my girlfriend. That's hard, but it is the right thing to do, and it's the appropriate thing to do because if you are able to do this, you will not waste no more of your time. You will not waste any more of your time dating the wrong people for years and then breaking up with a heartbreak and finding out that you should have let that person go sooner. This is why I'm teaching you how to date slowly and to date properly. Each stage of dating is designed to help you learn about someone gradually, not too fast. This is what is going on with us in this world. Everything is so fast. We gotta do everything fast, we gotta cook our food fast, we gotta order our food fast, we have to get to work fast, we have to get home fast, we have to make our children grow up fast. Everything is fast, fast, fast. But then when things go wrong, now you don't go and go back and look at what you did wrong, you just continue to keep going forward, doing the same mistakes again, repeating them over and over and over. This is why after every single date, you reflect, you take time to just pay attention to what you've observed during the time of being with that person. It gives you the opportunity to continue. If you make it to the tent date with somebody, that doesn't mean that this is the one. All it means is that you got the opportunity to see some things in this person that will help you make the right decision, the correct one that is suitable for you and for your needs during the time that you're dating them. Okay. So because healthy relationships are built through clarity, not speed. Today we are moving into the six, seven, and eight date. At this stage, the connection may be stronger. Yeah, you may even have feelings invested by now. Yeah, emotional feelings, hopefully, it's not sexual feelings because you will get off track if you have already incorporated sex into this. Now, I want to talk something in I want to talk about how do you keep from having sex so soon. I'm gonna talk about that in a different episode because I don't want to be in too deep with that. So we're gonna just keep going and we'll talk about that in another episode about the sex when is a great time to really just give yourself to a person when you can use your logic instead of your emotions. Okay, so you may feel emotional emotionally invested at this time, and you may be starting to imagine what a relationship with this person could look like long term. This is why the next set of conversations are extremely important to have with your date because many long-term relationships struggle in three major areas, they struggle with the family the family dynamics, whether it is with their own family, your family, or your blended family that you put together, or your family, the future family that you're about to have when y'all start having sex. All right, it also struggles with financial values, the way you view money, the way you view your lifestyle, how it should be spent, your money, what you want to spend your money on, what you should do with it, those type of things, as well as your job, your career, all those things, and then it also struggles with lifestyle compatibility. These topics influence daily life in powerful ways. Today, we're talking about how to discuss family relationships, how to understand someone's financial mindset, and we're going to talk about how lifestyle differences affect compatibility, okay? So let's begin. Why these conversations matter? Many couples focus on attraction, personality, and shared interests early in the date, early in your dating life. But long-term relationships are influenced more by daily habits and life structure. Things like how someone handles money, how they interact with their family, how they spend their time, how they manage responsibilities. These factors shape everyday life in a relationship. For example, two people might love each other deeply, there's no denying that. But if one person is extremely financially responsible while the other spends impulsively, conflict can arise. Or if one person value quiet family time and the other prefer constant social activities, tension

Slow Dating And Post-Date Reflection

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may develop. This doesn't mean people must be identical, not at all. Okay. What it means is that compatibility in these areas make relationships much healthier and more stable. So that's why the six through the eight dates are a good time to explore these topics thoroughly. Now, my birthday just passed, April 7th, my birthday, and I really did not plan what I wanted to do for my birthday. I normally would, but I didn't. So in 2025, I had myself going on a trip to Cape Town, South Africa with me, my husband, and our son. That's was the plan, that was the goal. But as we had all these things going on in our lives throughout the year, it took a detour, and there was no way I was gonna be able to do the Cape Town at this particular time, knowing that so much other things that was happening that needed to be dealt with first. So priority came first, and in the moment of me realizing I was not going to be able to go to Cape Town, which I'm still going though, just wasn't gonna go for my birthday. I decided I'm just gonna let the day come. When it comes, then hey, we'll figure out what we're gonna do from there. So as April 7th approached, it was about April the 5th. I decided, I said, hey, you know what, husband, I know what I want, baby. I said, What? I said, I want to just have our dinner at the house. I'm gonna cook. I'm gonna cook enchiladas. I haven't made enchiladas in years. I normally go out to the restaurant and get them, but I do make enchiladas, and I make pretty good enchiladas. I learned from one of my Hispanic friends when I was a kid, and I said, you know what? I'm gonna go ahead and make my enchiladas. I told him, I said, You never had my enchiladas before. So this is gonna be a nice surprise for you. And my mom had them before. My aunt never had them, my son never had them, so yeah, this shows you how long it's been. My son is 12. This shows you how long it's been since I made some enchiladas, right? So I decided to make them. My dad came over. My mom came over, my aunt came over, and I told

Three Compatibility Pillars For Long Term

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him I just wanted to just be us. I don't want no party, I don't want all no just just us, you know. And I'm gonna spend time with my mom and my dad and my aunt because my aunt was diagnosed with breast cancer, and I don't know how much lung she has, so I was like, I want her to come over, and my mom, you know, I want her to enjoy just me and my dad and all those things, and my son. That's all I want for my birthday. So that's what happened, and it turned out to be fabulous, wonderful, peaceful, and not to mention, we just moved and got a nice, beautiful home, and decorated it, and I have new furniture, and I was like, hey, I got some new cooking wear, like pots and pans, let's put them to use. And what ended up happening was after everyone was gone, my dad stayed the night. I told him to stay, don't drive back home, stay here. And my mom uh went back home, and I asked him, Would it be okay if you stay an extra three more days while me and my husband take a trip? And he was like, Where are you gonna go? I said, We're not gonna go far. We're gonna go to New Orleans and just enjoy some time with husband and wife. No, nobody else involved, just the two of us. And he was like, Yeah, sure. So that's what I ended up doing. Now, the thing is that my husband and I went to the casino. I spun too much money. That's how I felt. He spun money, but not like me. You know, I'm very um frivolous with my money, like I don't like just blowing money. I don't. I've been that way for years. He can blow money and be like, oh well, I get it back. Me, I'm like, no, I could have saved that. And I'm at the casino and I'm not happy at all. And I've like, this is not gonna work. I'm ready to go. But he's not ready to go, and I'm sitting here like, okay, I know my husband liked to gamble, you know. This is something he enjoyed doing. Me personally, I just don't, you know. But since I have the extra money, oh not to mention, I have I have found money too. I found $60, and I'm like, I'm gonna use that for the machine, and like this was money I didn't even have anyway, so I'm gonna go ahead and use it for the machine. Man, that money got ate up in two seconds, and I was like, you know what? If I'm gonna spend money, I'm gonna spend money that I can enjoy. So let me go buy some food. And I'm walking around watching people gamble and I'm doing all these things, and my husband, he likes to be by himself, he don't want me standing next to him while he's doing this thing, and I know it has nothing to do with me, it's everything to do with his comfortability, and I'm okay with it. So I'm walking around. Um, sometimes I even sitting at some of those machines just so I can get a free drink. Yes, I'm gonna make the most of it. So that's what I was doing. So, really, I drunk most of the night. Drinking my um, what did I ask for? Uh cherry vodka sour, which I haven't had in years. I asked for rum and coke, I asked for um rum punch. Oh, I was just mixing it all up, and I didn't even get a buzz. That's how I know that they've watered down those drinks because I didn't even get a buzz, and I haven't drank like that in a long time, and yet I did not get a buzz. And I'm thinking, like, okay, this is like a placebo because I don't feel nothing, and I decided to go ahead and put some more money in the machine and see what happens. So now I win like $200. And I say, Oh, I got an extra. Okay, I'm gonna keep this to myself. I'm not even finna spend this money. So I put the money in my pocket in my little um purse thing that I have on me, and that was a wrap. I was done. I wasn't gonna do gamble no more. So my husband he continued on spending money, and I walked up to him and I was like, Dang, babe, you just going at it, eh? And he was like, Here, take this, and he gives me $200, take that, go do something. And

A Real Money Story From Marriage

SPEAKER_00 15:40

what I'm trying to say is that we have different spending styles. Me, I have a way of the way I do mine, and he has a way where he does his. But the most important thing for us is that we don't spend too much to where we don't take care of our bills. That is a no-no, we're not gonna be broke like that to where we don't take care of our bills, and I do admire the fact that he knows when to stop gambling. Now, have he won some money at the casino? Oh yes, he really have. He have won $27,000 one time, another time it was 13, 13, 13,000, and then another time it was like I think 1200. Oh, he has won, so it ain't like he haven't won any money, it's just I mean personally have not, and I'm like, this is just not me. So that's what I told him. I said, You got the juice, I don't have the juice, so that's why I don't like playing these machines. So I'm not gonna keep spending all my money like this, but hey, you go ahead and you do you now. What I want you to know is that you have to know when to have these conversations. So the best time to talk about money, family, as well as lifestyle dynamics, because there are some people who can't stand gambling, and you find out that your your spouse is a gambler, to them, to you, it might be like a drug, you know, a drug addiction. And the beautiful part I can say about my husband that he don't have an addiction, he don't go often, it's just one of those moments when life says, Hey, you want to go to the casino? And I'm like, Um, why not? You know, but other than that, oh now I do know that if he's in the area where it's just him by himself and it has a casino there, he'll go and just try it out just to see if he's gonna make something. And those are the moments when he actually do make the money. It's kind of crazy how you make the money when you're not trying, but when you're trying, you don't get nothing. So maybe that's why I didn't get anything because I was trying to get something, it could be why, but either way it goes. I didn't I didn't really get nothing. $200 and then I'm spending it on some food and bought some things and stuff like that. But the point I'm making to you guys is that find out what this person that you're dating is into. Okay, now let's talk about conversations about family dynamics because family relationships often shape how people view love, communication, and commitment. So, by this stage of dating, it's helpful to learn about someone's family dynamics. You want to learn about your mate's family background, they need to know about yours too. What you can ask them, here's a question I want you to ask when you are on your date. And this could be at any time, even over the even over the phone, you can ask this question here. So when you're having your conversation, you can say, What was your family environment like growing up? And listen, listen to the question because what you are gonna listen for is hesitation. Do they hesitate when they about to speak about their family or excitement? Do they get excited when they about to speak about their family? Because this question allows them to share as much or as little as they feel comfortable. What it reveals is close family bond. If they have a closeness, it also reveals that they don't have a close family bond, it reveals culture traditions, like when they have traditional, some families are very traditional, it lets you know about that and could you even be a part of that tradition or not? It also reveals personal challenges they've overcome. Alright, so ask this question. Another helpful question that you can ask is how often do you spend time with your family now? Because they could have spent a lot of time with their family members back then, but don't do it anymore. Something could have happened that changed that, and it could have been because they moved away, they far away from their family, or something Pacific happened that made something change.

Family Dynamics Questions That Reveal A Lot

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This question reveals the role family plays in their life today. Some people maintain very close relationships with their families, others may prefer independence, they don't want to be that close with them. Neither approach is wrong, but understanding these dynamics helps you see what their expectations might be in a future relationship with them, and it gives you the option to say, I can or I cannot be a part of this. Okay, another question that I would like for you to ask them is what did your parents' relationship teach you about love? Because this is how you would be able to figure out if this person is even capable of loving you. They might have witnessed their family, their mother and dad together, and they might not. Just because they haven't witnessed them together, don't mean they're not capable of love. Because when I look at me and my family, my mom and dad have this crazy relationship, it's weird. But I know what love looks like because I know what it feels like. Both of them love me to the point where I have different sides. So my mom, you know, she was more strict and stuff with me growing up. My dad was very lenient and open with me growing up, but now that I'm older, I get the opportunity to figure out what which way I enjoy the most. So I'm a little bit of both. I'm strict and I'm open. So I know when to tighten it up and I know when to loosen it up. So for Your mate, you want to figure this out because this question often leads to meaningful reflection, they gonna start opening up by some stories. That's good, that's the insight. They're letting you in. Okay, people learn relationship behaviors from what they observe growing up. That's one of the reasons why you hear people say a lot. Well, when I was growing up, all I saw was my mom and dad fight all the time, so that tells you that they might become like their mom and dad fighting a lot. Not saying they will to a degree because some might have gotten help. That's what you want to know. If they witness they mother, their mother and dad fighting, you want to know that they get some counseling, did they get therapy because they need it? Because understanding this can give you insight into how your date approaches commitment. That's why you want to know if they got any help. All right. So now let's talk about finances. So, conversation about finance. Money is one of the most common sources of conflict in relationships. You would think it would be infidelity, but it's not, it's actually money. That's why understanding someone's financial mindset is important. You need to understand your mate's mindset, your future mate, your partner, your husband, your wife, how is their financial mindset? Notice I said mindset, not income, not how much they make. I want you to know their thoughts surrounding money. You don't need to ask them how much money they are making at this stage, but you can learn about their attitude towards financial responsibility. So, what is the attitude like? You can learn this at this point. Here are some questions that I would like for you to ask them. This would help you to get an understanding about how they think when it comes to money. You're gonna ask this question What are your financial goals you're working towards? This will reveal planning ability. Are they able? Do they have the ability to plan when it comes to the money? All right, this will also reveal responsibility. Are they responsible when it comes to money? And this would also reveal future vision, what they have planned for their money. Alright. Another good question I would like for you to ask is what does financial stability mean to you? Because you got some people who might say financial stability is just me having a job, getting a paycheck every month, every week, every bye-week, just or every 1st and the 15th, just so I can pay my bills. That's not really a good mindset to have because that's kind

Financial Mindset Over Income

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of a pervy mindset, and I say that because that that means they only gonna work or make enough money just to pay bills, but not enough to really live off of. And if you can live with that, good for you. But if not, then you might want to be like, okay, let's let's advance here. Because I know a person who was dating a guy who only wanted to do one particular job, and he talked about dreams of owning things and and everything, but he never showed it. It was always talk. And so when it came down to him being able to put his words into action, it was always an excuse. It was never ever a real result coming from it. And that's why you want to make sure who is the person you're gonna be dealing with. Because if you are financially stable and you got yourself together, I'm gonna tell you right now, that person's gonna drain your money, they're gonna drain it because they don't know what to do with it, and they don't know how to use it properly, so they're gonna drain you, they're gonna come up with these ideas that they're gonna wanna use your money for, they're gonna come up with all types of excuses and reasons why they need it, and you wanna definitely protect your money when it comes to that. Financial maturity is very important, it's very important. Maybe that person is you, you don't know how to take care of money, you don't know how to spend money, right? You just spend until it's gone. And in these days and times, I know I used to say back then, money is meant to be spun, but I've learned throughout my years that it's not really just meant to be spun, it's a tool to be used for what is needed at the time that something is needed, but it's also a tool to be used to be hold held on to so when something is needed, you have it, you just you know what I mean, and you can invest to make it grow. So that's those are the minds that you want to try to figure out does this person have or not? Okay, so don't just think to yourself, I don't have to talk about this. You do have to talk about this. A lot of relationships never talk about finances, all they want to know is that you got a job, you're making money, and hey, we can spin it together. That's not it. Different people define stability in different ways, some focus on saving and investing, others focus on enjoying life experiences. Understanding these perspectives help you see whether your financial philosophy aligns with your mate. Okay, that's what you want to know. You can also absorb their behavior indirectly, pay attention to how they spin. That's too easy to see, very easy. You can go in there if you go to their house, you'll be able to see immediately go into their closet. That's how you know how they spend. Go in that closet and see what they're buying. If you see a lot of designer things, then that person spends a lot of money. But if you don't and you just see nice things, but it's not really a lot of name brands attached to it, that person is wise with their money, they're not just spending crazy. Now they might not have enough money to buy name brand things. Okay, let's look at that perspective too. Now you want to figure out, let's check and see how well they handle their bills. Do they take care of paying bills on time? That's what you want to pay attention to as well. Okay, so for example, do they plan financially by being responsible and making decisions responsibly? That's basically what you want to pay attention to. Also, do they seem financially organized? Now, how do they seem financially organized? Are they budgeting? So every month I have a budget, I write down what needs to be done for the month, and when I am ready to take care of these things, I check them off. Okay, that's been done, that's been done, that's been done. I started doing this back in 2007 because I needed to get my credit right, and I was like, the only way I'm gonna get my credit right is that I pay some things off, and then I stay on track with everything else I have, like my card note, those type of things. And at the time I had credit cards, so let's pay that. Now I got credit cards. I had went basically, I let go of my credit card for maybe like 10 years, but I just got credit cards back, and now I'm very, very frugal about my card. I'm not that easy to just go and blow the money like I did at first back then. So now I'm like, okay, I have this card, but this is gonna be for when it's really needed, when it's needed. So those are things I want to make sure that you are understanding. Do they organize? Are they financially organized, or do they appear impulsive with spending? Financial maturity is less about wealth and more about responsible decision making. That's what you're looking for. It's not about them being wealthy, it's about how well are they when it comes to spending their money. Now we're gonna talk about conversations about lifestyle compatibility. Okay, so another important area to explore doing these dates that you're on, date number five, six, and seven. No, date number six, seven, and eight, my bad, is lifestyle compatibility. Lifestyle refers to how someone structure their everyday life. This includes their work habits, social activities, health routines, and personal priorities. So my work habits. So I go to work and then I come home, and then my social activities, I would like to go out to eat. I would like to um go have a few drinks here and there. I would also like to go spend time with my my my parents and spend time with some of my family members and my friends, and always want to spend time with my husband and my son and I puppy. That's my social activity, okay? My health routine. So went to the gym, I've got a doctor's appointment, I'm gonna take make sure I get myself checked up and everything like that, and then personal priorities. So I like to meditate, I want time where I just lay down and watch TV and not be bothered, and there's time when okay, I I just want to um just relax, have nothing to do, and that's an example of what you're gonna be looking for when it comes to your mate, your partner, all right. You might I want you to ask these questions here. So, here's the question I want you to ask them: what does a typical weekend look like for you? That gives you an insight on what they're doing on their days off. If they work, they might say, Oh, I'll go to work, or they might say, Well, you know, I normally work on my cars,

Reading Spending Habits And Responsibility

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or hey, I like to hang out with my girls, so you want to see what their lifestyle is like, okay. This question reveals how someone likes to spend their free time, and this is when they're not working. You will find that that answer out, okay. Some some people enjoy quiet activities like reading, cooking, relaxing at home. I do, I enjoy doing all those things, so but you got some people who don't care about reading, they're like, I don't feel like reading. Uh who I used to hear this girl. I remember my f wrote my first book, and I was asking, I was asking this one chick that I grew up with. We was kids grew up with I saw her, and I was like, hey, I wrote a book. Would you like the um a copy of it? She's like, girl, I don't read. I'll say, What? I ain't never heard that before, but what you mean you don't read? You don't know how to read? Because I know you know how to read. No, I just don't like reading. Oh, that's a problem. You should read. Sometimes it takes you out of your element of just the norm that you do every day. You get a chance to see the world in someone through someone else's eyes, you know? Like, girl, please. But that gave me an opportunity. What it did was let me know that some people, there are a lot of people like her who just prefer to not do that. And that was before Audible, okay? Now we got audible, but you don't have to read, you can just listen to the story. But I'm just letting you know you want to try to see what this person likes to do during their free time. Because it might be boring to you. That's what I'm getting at. You probably like, oh my goodness, this person is boring. Or it might be you who wants to just chill at the house and do ain't do nothing and just read or whatever, and they want to get out and go, go, go, and it's not what you want to do. Some people like to shop on the weekend. There you go. You get a chance to see their spending habits. Mm-hmm. Some people

Lifestyle Compatibility And Weekend Clues

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like, man, girl, like to go shopping, man. You know, well, there's nothing wrong with that. You got the money, go do it. It's enjoyable. I love shopping. Me and my husband do that too. We'll go, but we go to our favorite store. We got little stores that don't spend a lot of money at like Ross and um Burlington. So Burlington's is my store and Ross is his store. Why do we like those two stores? I like a lot of Gidget gadgets. I just do. I like stuff that usually you can't find in a regular place. I do. I like looking, I even like goodwill because I know I'm gonna find something that most people don't have, or something that is old, but it still works, and I ain't seen it in a long time. And I'm like, oh my god, look at this, you know. That's crazy, but it's me. And I'm not gonna spend what three dollars for this, five dollars for that, or whatever. Why not? So, and no, I'm not a hoarder, I do not hoard. My husband does, but I don't. When he hoards, I'll be on him. Get rid of this, or I'm gonna get rid of it, and I do when I notice that there's something that he doesn't mess with or haven't messed with in such a long, long time to the point where he forgot about it. Oh, I get rid of it, and then he still don't ask about it because he ain't never used it or he ain't missing it, so that's how I am. So, you want to also find that out. It's also lifestyle, that's lifestyle too. Because are they hoarders? How you how are you gonna know if your mate is a hoarder or not? Pay attention to what they get rid of and what they don't. If they keep everything and it's broken, that's a hoarder mentality. Because what you need it for is broken, get rid of it. And I know my husband got this from his mother because she's a hoarder, she don't get rid of anything. So my husband still got comic books from back in the 80s. No, I do not get rid of them because I know they collective items, but he do, and he has toys from back in the 80s, the 70s and 80s, because my husband's born in the 60s, so he got toys from back in the 60s, I mean not 60s, the 70s and the 80s, and I'm like, what is this? And he's like, You don't remember this? I'm like, No, I was born in the late 70s, but some of these toys ain't never really seen. And I'm thinking, like, some of this stuff look like someone just made it by hand and just handed it to you. But I know those to him are collective items, so I'm not gonna get rid of that. But he does value those things. Come to find out now, some of the stuff that he has, he took it to this old antique shop to get it appraised, and they told him some of that stuff was worth money. I'll, to my surprise, I was like, really, this is worth money. And it was like, Yeah, it really is. Okay, I know not to throw anything away. Because I know if that exactly what it is, if it's worth money, ew, he's gonna be holly mad if I throw it away. So those I learned to respect that. Now, I respect it. But what I do now is say, take it to your mama's house. Don't have it here, take it to your mama's house because we don't have a lot of space for all that. Take it to your mama's house. You got your mama got four bedrooms, take it to your mama's house. She got a four bedroom in a garage, take it to your mama's house. Oh, that's what I say. Like, take it over there. Eventually, we're gonna have to deal with that stuff over there because when his mother passed away, she's 93 years old. I thought she was 96, she actually 93. Her birthday the same day as mine. So I looked up her age, found out she's 93, and still in her 90s, and I was like, okay, babe, um, it's gonna come a time where we're gonna have to deal with that stuff that's over there. So I would say to you, let's start going over there and little by little start organizing some stuff and getting things together because it's gonna come point that you're gonna deal with this one way or another. If she goes before you, you're gonna have to deal with it one way or another, and I don't wanna have to deal with all that. So these are lifetime lifestyle compatibility things that you want to pay attention to, okay? Because also you gotta know that some people enjoy social gatherings like traveling and adventure. So I love all three. I love to have social gatherings, I love to travel, and I love adventure, I love standing at home and chilling and doing nothing. I am very rare rounded, that is me. I enjoy it all, but you got some people who are not like that, they are hermits, they don't want to come out their shell, they want to just stay in the house. Then you got those who don't want to go in the house, they gotta stay outside all the time. So pay attention to who you who you are getting involved with. Are you able to live like this? Understanding this helps you see rather your lifestyle that if it's going to complement each other, that's the goal. Do your lifestyle complement each other? Now, here's another question that I would like for you to ask. So I hope you're writing these questions down because if you're not, go back through it and rewrite these questions down because when you're ready for your six, seven, and eight date, these are questions you're gonna be asking. And you can even ask them over the phone, you didn't have to be in person, but it would be nice to ask these questions in person because it gives you the opportunity to literally have something to talk about on your dates, but it gives you that that chance to feel the energy and see it too when uh when they're answering some of the questions that you ask them. So, here's a question I want you to ask them as well. You're gonna ask, what helps you maintain balance in life? I'm gonna tell you right now, they might not really know the answer because a lot of people don't really know how to balance their lives. You have so many people who just workaholics and they don't realize that they do need to spend some time away from work and how much helpful it would be. Then you got some people who don't want to work at all, and

Hoarding Social Life And Daily Priorities

SPEAKER_00 42:07

they just rather just always be away from the job. Those things you need to know, and the way you're gonna know that is by asking this question, or of course, experiencing it, and I'm trying to teach keep you from experiencing it. I want you to know it before you experience, alright? So that's the question to ask. What helps you maintain balance in life? This can reveal whether they value their health, rest, personal growth, and relationships. Because if they value these things, they're going to value you. If they don't value these things, they're not going to value you. You're gonna struggle in your relationship with trying to get their time, affection, and attention the way you want it, okay. So, you may also want to discuss long-term lifestyle goals. That is a good question to bring up. Now, you're not talking about do you see yourself getting married? Do you want to get married? No, don't do that, not just yet. You will ask that question, but ask it, ask that question on date number nine or ten. Alright. But here's an example that you could ask them that can help you to discuss long-term lifestyle goals. You can ask, do you hope to live in a busy city? Like, if they're in a busy city, do you want to stay in this type of environment for the rest of your life, or do you see yourself living in a more quiet environment, more laid back? So, which one you prefer? The busy life? City life or the country quiet life or the suburb. Like I still want to be in the city, but yet I want the quiet as well. Because, see, me, I like the city life, but I also like the quiet too. So I like to be right there on the edge. And you can ask that question as well. And it gives you the opportunity to see this how this person wants to live their days out on this earth. And then you can sneak in that question. What about marriage? How do you feel about that? If they've never been married before, but if they have been married before, then you say, Hey, what about marriage? Do you see yourself getting married again? Is that something that you can actually see yourself doing? And if they say yes to that question and you know you want to get married, then that gives you the opportunity to see yourself being able to marry this person in a long-term relationship. But if they say, nah, I'm not gonna do, I'm not gonna do this again, I will not get married again, then you want to get married. That gives you the opportunity to say, okay, well, I don't I'm not gonna do this. I'm uh I'm just gonna be your friend. So here's a story. I was dating this guy, and I liked him, but I didn't like him to the degree that I wanted to marry him. I didn't have that type of emotions involved, invested with him. He was more to me someone to just pass time with. To have that moment when I wanted to have sex because I was, you know, I was single, and I'm like, you know, I can have him as that person. And then also a weekend getaway, because I would use him for my days off when I was off on the weekends, and if I wasn't going out with my friends, then I would say, hey, or better yet, sometime I would go out with my friend and I would say, Hey, I'm gonna come over after I get out. I always had that one person that after I got home from the club, I'm gonna come to your house. Or you can come to mine's. But that was my fun stages of my life when I wasn't trying to be in a relationship. And I remember him mentioning to me that he didn't want to get married. And I don't even know how we got on the topic. I don't even think I brought it up. I think he brought it up because we were sitting outside in the backyard in his pool, because he had a back pool in his backyard, and I was like, okay, we was talking or whatever, and he started talking about a friend of his who was going through a divorce, and he said to me, This is why I can never see myself getting married, because everyone I know is get a divorce. My mom and dad got a divorce, my brother and his wife got a divorce, now my best friend he's getting divorced, and everyone I know just getting a divorce. So why even put myself through it if I'm gonna end up in a divorce anyway? But I did take a mental note on that, and my mental note was I'm not gonna waste my time with this dude. That was my mindset. As minute when he said that, I said, I'm not gonna waste my time with him because I know right now, if I get wrapped up in him and get involved, we'll just be dating long term and he will not make me his wife. So I'm gonna leave this dude alone. But in the meantime, I'm gonna continue to have fun with him, and when I'm done, I'm done. But I remember about maybe five years ago, I was on Facebook and I ran across his Facebook page. I don't have him as a Facebook friend, but you know how Facebook is always giving you suggestions of people you may know. Well, they put his face up, and I was like, wow, I haven't seen him in years. So I just put politely clicked on his page. How do you politely click on someone's page? I don't know, but I did. And I was like, wow. He was he was sitting at a table, like his very first picture that showed up, he was sitting at a table in the tux, and I was like, Well, maybe he's at a friend's wedding because he just said he didn't want to get married to me. Well he didn't just say, but he at the time when I was talking to him, he said he didn't want to get married, something like maybe he's just sitting at the table with his best friend, and he's a he's a groom's minute. Oh no, he was the freaking groom. Because as I dig deeper and deeper and deeper and got into the nitty-gritty of his photos, I was like, oh my god, he got married, and he said he would never get married. Now, sometimes people will say these things to you in the heat of the moment, but don't really know what the hell they're talking about. And I always tell people, keep living, because if you keep living, life brings about a change. So just keep on living, and eventually you will know the true story about your life. And I was sitting here like this dude told me he didn't want to get married. I was for real about not even going any further with him. But then I had this thought in my mind, and it said to me, What if he was lying to you about never wanting to get married? What if he was just only saying that to you because he didn't want to marry you? And I was thinking, like, why am I talking to myself like that? Because I didn't want to be with him in the long term, no way. Because our compatibility wasn't really matching, it was more of a good time because as I continued to spend time with him, I was learning him to know that we didn't have a lot in common when it came to our lifestyle. He was another one who was a gambler, loved to go out to the casino, and he was worse than my husband. When I say worse, he was always at the casino. Matter of fact, he was always at a casino to the point where he called me up one day. He was like, I need you to come out here to Lake Charles. And I didn't know what I was going out there for. And I was like, For what? And he was like, just come out here to let you. I said, Nope. Until you tell me what I'm coming there for. And he was like, Hey, I got a hotel and I would like for you to come and stay with me at the hotel. At this time, I had never been in a casino before. So I wasn't really sure how this worked. When I didn't know that the yes, I was living under a rock, I'm about to say it. I did not know that casinos was in hotels. I had never been to Vegas before. Yes, I watched TV, but I didn't know it was like that. And when I went there, I did. I drove there and from Late Charles to Houston. That was like a two-hour drive or whatever. So I drove there, and I mean he showed me a good time and everything, and I sat and watched him on the tables doing his thing and all that. And I was thinking to myself, like, why did he ask me to come out here? What was this? What is this about? Because I'm not a gambler and I'm not comfortable and I'm bored. Cause I was. So this is one of the things I was realizing that we're not compatible. And when I saw those pictures of him at his wedding, I did feel some kind of way though. I'm not even gonna act like I did it. I felt some kind of way. I felt like this dude just told me stories because he didn't want me to think that we was gonna go that far. So we don't have to be thinking about marriage or talking about marriage. That was my thought. But hey, maybe he did change his mind. Maybe he really did feel like that. Maybe in his world, he was like, I never gonna get married at the time. And then he found the woman who changed him, could, who made him change and rethink that. Good for him though. You know, I just know that me and him wasn't compatible. Now, what we're gonna do is we're gonna talk about okay. So I want you to know that lifestyle compatibility plays a major role in long-term happiness. So if you want to be happy, please pay attention to your choices. Because that is how your happiness is going to stick around. So let's talk about watching for alignment. I already spoke some of it when I was talking about the guy, about him saying he didn't want to get married and all that, and now I want to dig deeper into that because as these conversations unfold, you're not looking for perfection, all right, you're looking for alignment and maturity, all right? Maturity as well as mutual respect. I want you to ask yourself these questions here. When you have gotten the answers that you are needing to have from your date after asking all the questions that I have given to you, you're gonna ask yourself these questions while they're I would say wait until you get to your reflection to ask these questions, but you can ask yourself these questions while they're answering, and you can ask more questions on the questions that they are answering, all right? So, one question you want to ask is do our family values complement each other? Because if that's a no, you can't change that. You will not be able to change that, and I suggest you not to try to change that because that is that person's core of how they was raised, who they are, and what they are expecting from their own family life, that is the core, all right? You can't change it, don't even waste your time with it. Another question you want to ask yourself is do we share similar uh financial attitudes? Now that can be changed as time goes on. Reason for that is because sometimes people have to experience loss of money to make changes, not gaining money because you don't make changes because you gain money. The more money you make, the more you will spend. But if you lose money, it changes

Alignment Maturity And How It Feels

SPEAKER_00 54:21

things in the person's attitude and how they spend their money, okay. And then another question you want to ask yourself is do our lifestyle feel like it is compatible? Do it because if it does, now you might see yourself with your future partner, uh huh. So even when difficulties exist and they will, what matters is how they are discussed. You want to discuss these things and you want to know how they're being discussed, no pressure and no aggression. If that is involved, then that's not a good thing. But if there's no pressure and there's no aggression involved, then that's a good thing, all right? Healthy relationships allow space for understanding and compromise. But when found fundamental values clashes, okay, that's why I said about that family situation. When it clashes, that tension often grows over time, it will get worse. Pay attention to how these topics feel to you. How are you feeling when you talk about these things? When you're having this discussion with your future mate, how is it feeling to you? Do it feel comfortable, do it feel like tension is arising, do it feel stressful, do you are you feeling like you are pulling back, you holding back, you have to say less? Because if those things are happening, you're gonna have issues in your long-term relationship with this person because it's not gonna go away, it's just gonna arise and it's gonna grow. All right, compatibility often reveals itself through comfort and clarity. So if you're not comfortable and you're not getting the clarity that you need, then you are not going to be comfortable in having clarity in that relationship with that person. Now, what to do after the dates? You're going to reflect. All right. So by the sixth, seventh, and the eighth date, any one of these dates, okay, what you want to do, you should have a much clearer understanding of the person you're dating. You have learned about their character, put a check, values, put another check, emotional maturity, put a check, communication style, put a check, family dynamics, put another check, financial mindset, and another check. And you have learned lifestyle preferences, put a check. Now you know this person to a point where you can make a decision if this is someone I want to date or not. Take time to reflect. Okay? Ask yourself these questions. I want you to ask yourself Do our life fit well together? Or is it forced? Do it feel like it's going to be forced? I'm gonna have to make a lot of changes to fit into this person's world. You should never have to make dramastic changes to fit in someone else's life. That should never happen. And vice versa, they should never have to do the same for you. The two of you should be able to merge together. It's just like driving a car and you're about to switch lanes. You don't stop the car in the middle of the freeway to turn to get over, you just keep going and you slightly merge over. That is exactly what your relationship should be like when you are entering into someone else's life and they're entering into yours. It should be a merge into each other's life, not a complete stop. You find yourself not talking to your friends anymore, barely seeing

Reflection Questions Before Moving Forward

SPEAKER_00 58:44

your friends because you're always with them. You're starting off on the codependency side, you're starting to be codependent, codependent on each other. That's not good. You don't want that kind of relationship because when y'all break up, and yes, you will break up because codependent relationships don't last, it's dangerous to you, and it's dangerous to them as well. And I have an episode that talks about that. So go back and find that episode, it's titled about codependency. Look for it in the title, and that's the one I'm talking about, and you understand what I'm talking about right here, right now. Also, you want to ask yourself, do I respect this person's values? Because that is a question you need to be able to answer as a yes to be able to be in a relationship with them, and vice versa. Do they respect your values? Alright, it should be a yes. And the last question that you need to ask yourself is can I imagine building a future with this kind of lifestyle? Not this kind of person, the lifestyle that they live. Can you imagine having that as your life? Because I say to myself, these are my non-negotiables. I can't deal with someone who's on drugs, not at all. That is a lifestyle that I don't want to go through because I dealt with it growing up as I was a kid, dealing with family members who was on drugs and watching how their life just crumbled and how they even affected me and other people in our family. So that's an unnegotiable. That's a lifestyle I can't handle. Same thing with heavy drinking, you know. And I said heavy drinking, I mean like you're always drunk. I don't like that. Matter of fact, I had a guy that I um was trying to date me, and we are friends to this very day, but I saw him drunk for the first time to the point where he was losing his money, he almost got taken from his money. And if it wasn't because I was so observing and alert at that party, he would have lost all this money. And I remember telling him, I don't never want to see you like that again. Ever. And he was embarrassed. He was like, I cannot believe that you saw this out of me. And I said, So that means that this is not your first time. He was like, Nah, I used to do this all the time back in Memphis, man. And I was like, Really? And he's like, Yeah, that was my life, man. That's why my girlfriends wouldn't stick stick around. I'm like, good to know. But see, I slow dated him to the point where I realized that I could not be with him. I didn't get into a relationship right away. Even though he was trying to, he kept saying, I want you to be my girl. I was like, nah, I think we should be friends first. And I kept saying it over and over, let's be friends first, let's be friends first. I need you to show me who you really are, and that's gonna take some time. And here it is to this very day, all these years later, and I mean all these years later, we've been friends for about 13 years, I think now. And nope, I never could be in a relationship with him. And now to this day, he is totally better than what he was back then because he grown and matured, but he still got the certain one thing about him that is still there, and he told me this too. He said, Ella, you are the only girl that I've been so cool with that flat out told me to my face why you didn't want to date me. And I respect that. I really, really respect that. You didn't try to take me for my money, you didn't try to just have sex with me, you didn't do none of those things. And yeah, I I knew where he was coming from when he was saying have sex with him because the way he approached me was the reason why I was turned off from the jump. It was his approach, and I told him that. So your approach turned me off. You showed me a picture of your penis, and I was livid when I saw it. I was like, dude, this is the most disrespectful thing you can ever do. And I told him to his face, don't you ever leave that, don't ever leave with that again with another girl. I don't care if you just trying to hit it, don't do that. Because that is a turnoff. And I had to let him know I say, You well in doubt. I ain't gonna sit here and take that from you. You are well in doubt. I mean, you got a nice size on you, but that is such a turnoff. I don't like that. I'm like a man, I like the elements of surprise. Surprise me, but you just took that away from me, so now I'm not curious no more. Like, damn, really? I say, yeah, really. I'm not curious anymore. I see what you got, I'm not interested. You lost me. But we could be cool and we could be friends, but you can go ahead with that. So that's what I'm saying. You want to get the chance to know a person's lifestyle. What is it about this person? Can I see myself building a future with this kind of person's lifestyle? All right, these reflections help you make thoughtful decisions about continuing the relationship that you have been building, been building with this person. Okay. So in the next episode, and the final episode of this season, before we get to the bonus episode, we're going to talk about the ninth and the tenth date conversation. Mm-hmm. The ninth and the tenth date conversation is what we're gonna talk about. So these are the conversations that helps determine whether a relationship has true long-term potential, or whether it's time to walk away. Yeah. This is when you're gonna make that decision. Yes, I'm gonna be your girlfriend, yes, I'm gonna be your man, or no, not gonna be able to do it. It was nice getting to know you though. Bye-bye. Or we could just be friends. Mm-hmm. It's not you, it's me. You know, I don't know if y'all know know about those in the back in the 80s and 90s. That was one of the things people would say when they didn't want to be in a relationship with nobody no more. They would say, It's not you, it's me. I'm the problem. You know, I gotta go find myself. Yeah, this is when you're gonna make that decision, alright? So thank you for joining me today on improving your thoughts by freeing yourself. And remember, healthy relationships are not built on attraction alone. Yes, you want the attraction to be there, but it's not just about that. That's where it starts. Now it's time to continue on to dig deeper. Because they are built on compatibility, respect, and shared direction. Where you're going in life. All right? I'll see you in the next episode. Signing out a Layla.