(Important Questions to have) 9th and 10th Date Conversation: Know When to Commit or Walk Away

In this powerful episode, we confront one of the most defining moments in dating—when intentions become clear and decisions can no longer be delayed. “Ninth and Tenth Date” represents what’s revealed in private moments—desires, motives, and emotional honesty—while the “date conversation” is where truth must be spoken, boundaries are set, and clarity is demanded.
This episode challenges you to stop ignoring mixed signals and start addressing what’s real. Are their actions aligned with commitment, or are they comfortable staying in a place of convenience? You’ll learn how to confidently initiate conversations that bring everything into the light—no guessing, no confusion, no emotional limbo.
We break down how to recognize when someone is ready to build something meaningful versus when it’s time to walk away with your self-respect intact. If you’ve ever felt stuck between hope and reality, this episode will give you the courage and clarity to choose what truly aligns with your values.

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Transcript

Welcome And Decision Point

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Welcome back to Improving Your Thoughts by Freeing Yourself. I'm your host, Alayla Carroll. And today's topic is ninth and tenth day conversation, knowing whether to commit or walk away. Now we are finally here. Yes, we are finally at the point where you can make your decision if you want to be this person's girlfriend, boyfriend, however you want to do this. Alright, you want to commit or do you want to walk away? So today is the final episode of season 10 with a bonus episode after this one. Okay. The bonus episode is going to be once you have committed and you decided you want to be in a relationship with this person, the bonus episode is going to teach you what to do after your commitment has been decided. Yes, I want to be in a relationship with this person. So the bonus episode is to help you to know if this person is marriage material or not. But we're not there yet. So we're going to go ahead and wheel it on back and come on back to episode 14. Alright. Let's go back. Let's go backwards, okay? So I want you to understand that this is a very crucial part of your dating journey with the person that you've been dating. You on date number 10 with this person. How do these dates play out? How do they even become a date? Well, look at it this way: the first time they asked you to go on a date with them, that was date number one. Then after date number one, they say, Hey, will I see you again? And you say yes, that's date number two. Then after date number two, they call you up on the phone or text you and say, Hey, let's do a movie next week. Okay, that's date number three. And then after that, then they say, Hey, you know, I was thinking about maybe we could just take a ride to the coast. That's date number four. Then so basically, every time you got a chance to spend some real quality time with this person, that is your date. That's how you count them, okay? On different days, not the same day, because that's a date that's continuing to last long. You want different days. Let the time pass. And I want you to understand that I want to start off by saying thank you for taking this journey with me. I really put my time into this, my experience into this, and my desire for you to find the person, your person into this. Yes, this season has been focusing. We have focused on one very important goal, and that goal is learning how to date properly. Yes, not rushing relationships, not ignoring red flags anymore. No, we're not gonna do that anymore. Not allowing charm, attraction, or loneliness to push us into commitment that we haven't carefully thought through. And then later on we say to ourselves, I knew I shouldn't have done this, I know I shouldn't have dated this person, I knew something was wrong, I felt it. No, you don't want to go there no more. We want to stop doing that, all right. We've talked about in all of our episodes, we have talked about red flag behavior, doing background checks wisely, detecting lies, protecting your finances and assesses, recognizing charmers and manipulators, why family and friends concede things we sometimes ignore. And we have talked about what to talk about from the first date through the eighth date. We are at this point now where decision must be made. Now we arrive at the most important stage in our dating life with this person that we have been seeing. Date number nine and ten. By now, you spent meaningful time with this person. This person, this one person you have been spending time with. You've had conversations about values, family, lifestyle, and emotional maturity. Yes, you talked about those things, so you know a little bit about this person based on some of the things that they told you and some of the things that you have observed for yourself. Yeah. Now you begin asking a bigger question. This is the question that you're asking yourself, and they're gonna probably ask you by now, or they probably already have asked you. So if they asked you, are we dating? I'm pretty sure you probably said something like not right now. Hopefully that you said that. But we at the point now when it's time to answer that question. Is this someone I should seriously commit to? Or is this where I walk away? This is the question you need to be asking yourself on date number nine and date number ten. If you have gotten a date number nine and you haven't figured that answer out yet, go on a one more date, which is date number ten. You need your answer by then. Alright? You should know. Today, we'll be talking about this. What we're gonna talk about today in this podcast, this episode, conversations that clarify long-term intentions, signs that a relationship has real potential, warning signs that should not be ignored. How to make a wise decision about moving forward. So let's begin. The purpose of date number nine and ten at this stage in dating, something important has likely happened already. You have built familiarity with this person, you're familiar with them now, gotten comfortable with them. You started sharing experiences with each other, so now you got some stories to tell about what y'all have done together. You got a little history there. You may feel emotionally connected by now, but emotional connection alone does not guarantee compatibility. The ninth and tenth date are about clarity, not pressure, not rushing into labels that you put on each other, but gaining clarity about whether your relationship is moving towards a healthy long-term direction. These dates are where you begin asking questions like,

Why Dates Nine And Ten Matter

SPEAKER_00 8:02

what are we both looking for in the future? Are we building something meaningful together? Do we handle life well as a team? Have you experienced some things already enough to even answer that question? You know, the first year my me and my husband's date in life, we went through a lot of things together in such a short amount of time. We experienced the freeze, so we had a freeze here in Houston. We experienced that together. And I'm telling you, he got a chance to see a side of me that he didn't even know I had because I was hungry, and that was I I had got tired of eating sandwiches because I had sandwiches like lunch meat and um delis the deli meat, bread, cheese. I had that in the house, and it was okay to eat it cold, so hey, but no electricity, no water, and it was freezing all the time in my place for five days. That's how it was, and I was so hungry that I didn't want another sandwich. I still had more deli meat, but I was so determined to get something hot that I told us we're gonna go and we're gonna find some food. So we drove to Bucky's and Katie, and it was open, but all the food was wiped out, all the hot food. And I was so upset because I was thinking about that barbecue sandwich. I was like, oh that brisket

Real Life Stress Reveals Character

SPEAKER_00 9:40

sandwich is gonna sound good. We drove all the way out there and it was completely wiped out. No sausages, no eggs, no nothing gone. So I was we saw a line coming back from Katie to head back to our my home because we wasn't living together yet. And oh my goodness, he didn't want to stay in line. And I was like, I don't care. This restaurant is open, let's get some food. And he was like, I hate lines. So I saw a fine, uh, I saw a side of him that I didn't know he had either. He was like, I hate lines, so let's go somewhere else. I said, everywhere we go is gonna have a line, or we just gonna miss out. So we ended up going to the hood. Well, one, you know, um third war. We went out there and it was a restaurant that was open. We walked inside and they was just closing. So they finished, they was cleaning up their kitchen and everything, and we was like, dang, can we get one thing? And they was like, no. And he was, my husband was like, Oh, this is messed up. And I got mad at my husband. I got mad at him. I said, we wouldn't be in this position if you would have just stayed in line. I said, by now we would probably be making our order at this time. You just have to ride around in the circle to try to find something when we could have just stayed in line. And he turned to me and he said, Out of all people, I should not be having you upset with me. You should be able to go without food because you fast and you do it for days at a time. So use this as one of your fasting. I said, That's not hot work. So I was like, That's not hot work. When I go on a fast, I'm on a spiritual path. So that means that I don't feel hunger pains, but I am hungry right now and I am not on the fast. And we was just like, and to the point where I said, you know what? If I say anything else, we're gonna be really organic. So I just shut down. I stopped talking. We got back to the house. No, we didn't get no food. I had to make a sandwich. I'm making my sandwich angry and in my feelings and hurt because I really thought I was gonna get something hot. So I'm literally crying eating this sandwich. Like what it's up to the heart. That's how I was feeling, that's how I was doing. And he was like, Oh my god, you really tripping. And I was like, You don't understand. I'm tired of eating cold food. I eat cold food for work sometimes because we don't get the warm up food on the plane, and I wanted some hot food and you don't understand. And he was like, Oh my god, next time I'm gonna make sure I stop and stay in line. But that's his first encounter with me when it comes to my emotions and when it comes to food. Well, we didn't, that was one experience. We had another experience where I had got COVID, and he stayed with me the entire time. That was when I knew that he loved me because he literally stayed with me with COVID. And he didn't have to do that. I sent my son away to one of his aunts, and he did not have to stay in the house with me, but he did. He made sure I had my meds, he made sure that I I couldn't eat, but he was trying to make sure I ate, you know, and it was a lot going on, and I said, My my goodness, this man really does love me. And then, of course, when I was going through my situation with my second husband, he was there to help me through that emotional pain that I was going through and to protect me on top of that. I didn't know. He told me this later, the reason why he stood around me as long as he did during the time when I was going through my divorce, because he felt like my second husband was gonna come back and try to harm me because of him not getting his way. He said, I know guys like this, when they don't get their way, they usually show back up. And you know, I told you my second husband was a narcissist and stuff. He's like, they usually show back up. The minute that they put their hands on you for the first time, they usually come back and they think they can control you or scare you. So I was here with my gun the entire time waiting if he would have showed back up. Because he did, he stayed at my house all that time. I mean, all that time. And I'm like, why is this men not going home? But he was like, No, I'm gonna stay here until I feel that you're safe. So, and keep in mind, I knew my husband before I married my second husband, so he knew me, and and we got the opportunity to bond during those times. So, this is what I'm I'm teaching you right now because this is very, this is where in this stage where you had at stage on date nine and ten is where honesty becomes extremely important, and you have to be honest with yourself when you answer these questions. Don't make excuses, don't justify the answers. Let it be exactly what it is when you answer these questions for yourself, okay? So let's talk about conversations, conversations about relationships, intentions. You're gonna have to have these conversations with the mate. This is how you're gonna know if y'all are really compatible to be with each other. Do y'all really complement each other? One important conversation during this stage is about relationship intentions. Like, what do you have? What are your intentions with me? You see, if you brought your date home to go and meet your your parents, your dad, your your brother, your sister, what they're gonna ask to your date is what are your intentions with my sister? What are your intentions with my daughter? And what are your intentions with my friend? Because this is a question you need to be asking yourself. What are your intentions with me? Do you plan on marrying me? Because we've been together enough. Because men know when they found their wife. Don't play around with that. It don't take three years to figure that out. A man knows within six months if he found his wife. I'm gonna tell you that right now. My husband knew I was his wife when he met me. He didn't say it until later, but he

The Future Talk You Need

SPEAKER_00 15:56

said it to me later. He said, I knew you were my wife, even though I got married to someone else. You got married to someone else. I just knew that you was her. But you married someone else though. He said, But you didn't see me that way. You weren't trying to feel me like that back then. Like, yeah, you right I wasn't. But I knew you was my wife. So we circled around and here we are. So that's why I'm trying to say. They know. They know. You might this is something I want you to ask them, okay? I want you to ask them where or where no no not what where what I want you to ask, what are your ultimately hope what are you open? Oh my god, I can't even get it out. Excuse me. Let me try this again, okay. This is the question I want you to ask your date to find out what their intentions are for you. What are you ultimately hoping to build in this relationship that we have? And that will help give you the answer that you need. This question allows them to express whether they are interested in a long-term commitment with you, building a family with you, and partnership as well as growth with you. Not everybody else, not someone else someday down the line, you. You could also ask, I want you to ask this question as well, because these questions are gonna help you get to the the bottom line of what you're looking for and what you want to know in the person you're dating. So ask this question as well. What does a successful relationship look like to you? What is it look like to you in your eyes? What is a successful relationship looking like for you? And the answer may reveal uh expectations about communication, loyalty, support, shared goals, as well as shared experiences, those type of things, and that will help you to say, hmm, that's what I'm looking for too. If they avoid discussing the future, I'm gonna tell you now they ain't the one they should not avoid this question at all. If they're if they avoid discussing the future completely, they should be ready to talk about this at this point of y'all's of y'all dating. That is a very important thing to look out for. It is information for you. Do not overlook it. Do not overlook it, don't chunk it up as well, not they're just not ready to talk about it. No, they should be ready to talk about it. You're on date number nine and date number ten. It is time, it's past the time. All this in the beginning, when I was telling you don't talk about marriage and that you're ready for marriage, and that's desperation too soon. Now you are past the desperation stage, you're beyond that. You on date number 10, date number nine, ten. Come on now. You don't want to go any further with this person if this person don't want to talk about the future, about what their intentions are with you. Healthy relationships grow through mutual intentions, your intentions and their intentions together shared. That's how a healthy relationship grows. Even though my husband and I talked about marriage, I knew that he was gonna propose to me at some particular time. I just didn't know exactly what day it was gonna be, but I knew until it got closer to the date. When it got close to the date, the date of that he was ready to propose, I knew he was gonna propose at that day. I knew that day he was gonna do it. But before that, before our Miami trip, we had a lot of stuff going on. And we almost didn't even get the enjoyment Miami. And my dad started tripping out, and he was watching my son at the time, and he was like, You need to come and get him. If you don't come get him, I'm gonna drop him off at such and such house. And I mean, my dad was tripping the heck out. But this was during the time when he started having this problem with his mental, and I realized I gotta get my son, so I'm gonna have to go back to Houston and go get my child. And we end up being able to find one of his aunts to go and get him, which helped with the proposal continuing to happen. But I do know that my husband was the one I knew he was gonna we was gonna get married. I just knew that. But in the beginning of us when I was getting divorced from my second husband, I didn't want to get married again. I was so adamant about I'm not doing this no more because I went through so much trauma with him. But my husband helped me to get healed from that trauma. Took me to see that through the things that we went through together, the shared experience that we went through together, and his patience that he had and his care and his big heart. And I was like, wow, you know, wait a minute, this man's different. He ain't like the others. I ain't never met nobody like like I never dated no one like this man before. I think I better stop being afraid and start looking at him for who he is, and then that will help me to heal. And that's how things came about with us taking it further into our marriage and. All those things, so now talk about um evolving the relationship honestly. So, how do you do that? Now comes an important part of the dating that many people avoid. You want to evaluate, evaluate the relationship, honest evaluation is where we are at right now. Questions that you're gonna ask yourself. These are questions that you need to be asking yourself why you're with them and when you are not with them. You need to ask yourself, do I feel respected in this relationship? You already know if the answer is no, you can you don't need to be with this person, let it go. It's time to walk away. You also want to ask yourself, do we communicate well during disagreements? Because at some point you should have had a disagreement about something, and you might say, Well, we never had a disagreement. You need to take some more time then. Yep, take some more time because you need to see that side of that person what's gonna happen during that time when you two are disagreeing. Then you want to ask yourself, Do our values align? Yeah,

Honest Self Check Before Commitment

SPEAKER_00 23:27

do our values align? So make sure you write these questions down or re-listen to it so you can remember them. Then you want to ask yourself, do I feel emotionally safe with this person? Meaning that I can open up and be vulnerable with him or her. If you're not able to be vulnerable with them or you something y'all two are not ready, you're not ready for commitment. You should be able to be vulnerable with one another. If you can't be vulnerable with your your spouse, then who can you be vulnerable with? It should not be your friend, because then that is a disrespect for your your spouse, for your mate. And the other question you need to ask yourself is can we solve problems together? Yeah, can you solve problems together when you have an issue? Can we discuss this and come up with a resolution? A solution to our problems. Because anytime you have a problem that you can't solve, that doesn't get resolved, it builds up and it manifests itself in another way. And before you know it, you have that problem and then a new problem, and then a new problem, and before you know it, you got a lot of problems that never been dealt with, and now your relationship is at its ends, at its wits' end, it can't stand anymore. And it's time for y'all to walk away. So you wasted years, time, emotions, and now you're heartbroken, and they're heartbroken, and y'all angry with each other, you hate him, he hates you, y'all hate each other, it's what it is. When you don't even have to have that problem. Sometimes people stay in relationships because they fear starting over. Don't be that person. It's okay to start over. Actually, it's better to start over than to stay in something that's not working. Because you don't have that much youthfulness in you. You don't want to give away all your good years on one person when you should have preserved those good years and met someone new that you can enjoy your good years with. Understand that it's not about the time spent, it's about the time that's ahead of you that you don't want to waste. But staying in the wrong relationship can create much greater problem later in greater pain. I gave all those good years to this person, and now my back hurt, my legs hurt, I can barely even remember. Oh my goodness, my skin ain't as flawless as it used to be. I gave my good years away. That's your problem, not theirs. You had the opportunity to walk away when you should have, and you didn't. You stuck around because you didn't want to start over. Please don't be that person. It's okay to start over. Take it from someone who have started over so many times, and I am happy with my decisions that I have started over so many times. I'm glad I didn't stay in my first marriage to my first husband. I saw a video of him yesterday, and I was looking at his video. He made a video um about drinking and smoking. Oh my god. He was smoking a cigar. And when we first got together, he didn't drink at all. Especially didn't smoke. And I didn't smoke, but I did drink. And I remember I couldn't get him to take a sip of my drink. Not a sip. But I said to him in that video, I said, you know, when we was married, you didn't do all that. I said, wow, life sure brings about a change. I said, it's funny how things, how things change. And I tell him, don't let nobody change you for the worse. If you're gonna make any changes, you be the one that made the decision. Don't let someone else do it. Because he was talking about how some girl he was dating drove him to drink and smoke. I'm like, boy, you still don't know how to get it together by now. Come on now. Let's let's grow up. You and I are the same age. We're 48 years old. Let's let's grow up, okay? Let's look at ourselves and figure out what's going on with us. And then we can figure out what to do in a relationship. And he didn't respond. Which I didn't actually expect him to, but I still said what I needed to say because I it came across my news feed. Not something that normally happened on a regular basis, but it did. It came across. And I said it must have been meant for me to say something to him. So what I want you to understand is that you don't want to stay in a relationship that's not working for you. Because you don't want to start over. You will have a more greater pain later. Let's time to heal. Let's heal early than happen to heal later. Pay attention to how the relationship actually feels to you. This is when you need to be paying attention to your signals, your body signals, your emotional signals, all right, your stress signals. How's it feeling to you? Not just doing exciting moments because that's the love bombing stage. Don't don't don't just don't judge that. Judge the natural everyday feeling that you have. That's the one you want to judge. But during ordinary interaction is the time to actually pay more attention to what you're feeling. That's what it is, okay? So let's talk about signs the relationship has long-term potential. Let's talk about some good signs, okay? This is how you know this is gonna work out. Alright, so some signs that are relationship. Well, no, some signs that a relationship may have long-term potential includes mutual respect. Both of you two respect each other. Honest communication. You can share your thoughts with your mate without feeling judged. Shared values. Y'all two see life the same, pretty much, but you still can see it a little different at some point, all right? It's just not completely opposite, and y'all two are not on opposite spectrums when it comes to your values, emotional stability, so you're stable in your emotions, and your partner is stable in their emotions, and support doing challenges, things gonna get hard in your life. Is your partner supporting you? Are they actually showing you support instead of going against everything

Green Flags For Long Term Potential

SPEAKER_00 30:33

that's going on with you? That's what you want to be paying attention to. Do you have that? Alright, when two people are able to talk openly, solve problems respectfully, and support each other's growth, the relationship has a strong foundation. That is what we're building. Those first ten dates is about foundation building, building a strong foundation. That is how a relationship lasts. It's the foundation that it's built on. So whenever you find people who are in a relationship with someone that they cheated with, uh, that's a weak foundation, it's not gonna last. Because eventually one of them is gonna end up cheating on the other. That's why we're talking about this strong foundation. You want to make sure it's properly built, and you have taken your time to make sure the foundation is strong enough to withstand the test of time. Because trust me, when hard times hit, when the wind blows, when the water pounds, when the house gets rocky and sway back and forth, are the shingles of the roof still there? Or did they fall off? Did the house just lift up from the foundation and blow away? Yes, that's why you're building a strong foundation to make sure your relationship is still standing when the storm passes. Healthy relationship feels stable, not chaotic. Now we're at the point where we're gonna talk about when it's time to walk away. Yes, because I don't want you wasting no more time with this person. Sometimes dating reveals something else, that the relationship is not right for you, and recognizing that truth is not failure, it's wisdom. Yes, you have insight that is going to help you to save your years and your youthfulness and your good looks and your personality and your width about you. Alright. Some signs it may be time to walk away includes repeated dishonesty. The person just can't tell the truth, disrespect towards your boundaries. You have boundaries, you

Red Flags That Mean Walk Away

SPEAKER_00 33:26

already let them know about it, and they still crossing the boundaries, they are disrespecting it. Yes, let's walk away. That's narcissistic tendencies there. Major value conflict. Yeah, y'all don't see eye to eye when it comes to your life values. You can't do that. One person says, Hey, I think a woman needs to cover up everything about her, and you might say, No, I like to wear shorts. Hmm. That's a big deal. I've been through that. I did, and it was not good. And then you got, oh, hey, I like to go to church and praise God. Another one says, I don't believe in God. Ooh, see? Mm-hmm. Yeah, those be trying to get them to convert. That's not gonna work. Time to walk away. And then emotional instability or manipulation. Person pouting all the time, all just because they don't get their way, they want to blow up. That emotional instability is one of the number one signs of narcissism. They don't give a damn, and they want their way, and they will pout to get it, they will make it hard for you, they will make the moment of living hell, and you're uncomfortable, you're nervous, you can't relax. No, you don't want to be around this person. It's time to move around, it's time to walk away. Manipulation. They sitting there trying to get their way, so they're gonna manipulate you to get it. No, it's time to walk away. So walking away early protects your future. That's what it does, okay? It protects your future. Don't be afraid to use them legs. Let's go. So as we close season 10, I want to remind you of something important. Healthy relationships are built through awareness, patience, and discernment. It's never rushed. Never rushed, and is never make excuses for the other person. Dating properly means giving yourself time to truly know someone, truly get to know the person that you're dating. All right, so in our bonus episode, we're going to explore one of the most powerful relationship lessons of all understanding a person in all four seasons of their personality. When they are happy, when they are sad, when they are angry, and when they are afraid. Because before marrying someone, it's important to know how they behave

Season Finale And Bonus Tease

SPEAKER_00 36:35

in every emotional season of their life. Because this is who you're gonna say I do to. Thank you for joining me in season ten of improving your thoughts by freeing yourself. And remember, wisdom in relationships protect your heart and your future. I'll see you in the bonus episode. Signing out, Halayla.