Why You Should Wait Until After 10 Dates Before Sex- Protecting Your Spirit, Clarity, and Commitment

In this powerful episode of Improving Your Thoughts by Freeing Yourself, we take a deeper look at the importance of patience, discipline, and intentional dating. Waiting until after 10 dates before becoming intimate is not about restriction—it’s about protection. Protection of your spirit, your emotional clarity, and your ability to make sound decisions about who truly deserves access to you.
Too often, physical intimacy clouds judgment, accelerates attachment, and creates emotional bonds before trust, character, and compatibility have been fully revealed. In this episode, we break down how waiting allows you to observe patterns, recognize red flags, and build a connection rooted in truth—not temporary feelings.
You’ll learn how sex can influence your discernment, why emotional and spiritual boundaries matter, and how giving yourself time creates space for genuine commitment to develop. This conversation is about reclaiming your power, honoring your worth, and choosing relationships that are aligned—not rushed.
If you’ve ever found yourself confused, attached too quickly, or stuck in the wrong relationship, this episode will help you reset your standards and approach dating with clarity and confidence.

Art that you wear.

For ads

Advertisement

Transcript

Welcome And The 10-Date Rule

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Welcome back to Improving Your Thoughts by Freeing Yourself. I'm your host, Alayla Carroll, and today's episode is titled Why Should You Wait Until After 10 Dates Before Sex? Protecting Your Spirit, Clarity, and Commitment. Today's episode is one that may challenge you, stretch you, and even cause you to reflect on your past decisions. But it will also empower you to move differently moving forward. In today's episode, I am talking to both male and female born. So if you were born male, I'm talking to you. If you were born female, I am talking to you. We've talked about why you should wait until all ten dates are completed. And that's what we're doing. We're going to talk about all these things. And we're going to talk about why it is important to wait until all 10 dates are completed and a clear decision has been made to commit before having sex. This is not about discipline. This is not about values. This is about spiritual health, emotional clarity, and your ability to make sound life-altering decisions. That's what we're going to be talking about in this specific episode. So I want you to bear with me. We have a lot of grounds to cover. There's specific things I want to actually talk to you about. I do not want to rush it. So I want to take my time so you can get this information. Because what I'm going to be giving to you is going to be one of the most valuable information that you will ever have for the rest of your life. And you might have to come back to this podcast and listen to this episode over and over again, which I do advise you to do that, because that will help you to get it in your spirit and keep it there without having to think about what did Layla say about this and what did she say about that when it comes to waiting to have sex? No, you would just know it, okay. We live in a world that consistently tells us sex is casual. We see it on TV, we see it on the movies, we see it on the internet, social media, all these different places. We even talk about it amongst ourselves with our peers as if it's just no big deal. It's just one of those things to do because we do it because it feels good. We love the sensation that we get from it. Or to test the compatibility of who we are going to be so-called marrying in a long-term relationship with early, as well as follow your desires, and that is the reason why I made this podcast, this season, matter of fact, season 10, because of the fact that we are always following our desires and never really put into perspective that our desires are leading us wrong. That's why we end up with these heartbreaks,

Why Culture Treats Sex As Casual

SPEAKER_00 4:05

and our lives continue to repeat the same bad habits, and we're trying to figure out why do I keep finding myself in this position, in this situation over and over again, because of the fact that we're not learning from our mistakes, we just keep repeating them. But what if I told you sex is not casual? Every time you lie down with someone, you are not just sharing your body with them, you are exchanging energy, emotions, and spiritual weight. When you connect with someone sexually, you open a door, and through that door comes a lot of life-altering decisions and life pain. What you're doing, you are allowing their pain, their trauma, their confusion, their unresolved issues that they have, and their spiritual state of being to enter inside of you. And if that person is carrying chaos, you don't just witness it, you observe it. You observe it into your spirit and your body and into yourselves. Emotionally attached to someone you know isn't right for you, and unable to think clearly because something was transferred into you. What was that? You say that was transferred into you? Well, let me tell you. Spiritual confusion, which is called the spirit of confusion. God does not give us the spirit of confusion. That comes from Satan and his workers. For God is not a God of disorder, but a peace, as in all the meetings of God's holy people. So if you are feeling confused, please do not give your body to this person. If you can wait until marriage, that would be even better for you. So I want to talk about unclean attachments and spiritual clutter. Let's go deeper. So when I talk to you guys in this podcast, I'm gonna go deep into the spiritual the spiritual world. I'm gonna talk about marriage when well, I already talked about marriage in the last excuse me. I already talked about marriage in the last episode, but I'm gonna talk about sex, and that's what I was telling you in the last episode I wanted to do for you in this episode here. I really want to explain why I did not talk about sex in the first 10 dates of you being with the person dating them because sex should not be involved. Now we are past the tenth date, and you have decided that you want to be with this person, and now I want to give you more insight on what's next to happen in your relationship if you decide that that's what you want to happen. Now you get the understanding what to look out for. What is going to be taking place once you lay down and have sex with this person, male or female, doesn't matter because our bodies carry energy. Every person you become intimate with leaves behind a residue, an imprint.

Energy Transfer And Spiritual Clutter

SPEAKER_00 8:43

Yeah. Now you're not just dealing with one person's energy. You're carrying pieces of multiple people into your presence. That's what you're doing. If that person is not a virgin, whoever they laid down with, you're going to be dealing with that too. Whoever they laid down with, that person who they was with before you, and those people, if it was more than one, each of them carry their own type of spirit with them. That is what I call spiritual clutter. And this clutter shows up as repeating toxic relationship patterns. Have you ever noticed that your last relationship before that you dealt with the same type of experience? Different person, but the same situation. Yeah. It's because you are repeating toxic relationship patterns. Because whoever they laid down with before you, they and that that person's spirit entered into you. Not the person themselves, not Susie, her spirit. No, not Joseph, not his spirit. I'm talking about the unclean spirit that was already in them that transferred to you. Also, with spiritual clutter, it shows up as being attracted to the wrong person, the wrong people, over and over again. It also shows up as shows up as emotional instability when making decisions. You don't have the capacity to make the right decision in a stable mindset. And it shows up at it shows up as difficulty discerning red flags. We talked about red flags in the beginning of this season. You will have a hard time discerning that. What are those red flags? You would not really see them that often. When you see them, you will overlook them because you laid down and had sex with this person way too soon. Before you got the opportunity to witness that part of them. So when you say, Well, when I say to you, unclean spirits, I'm not trying to scare you. That's not what I'm trying to do. I'm trying to make you aware so you can understand what's happening. When I lost my virginity, I actually got my virginity taken. So I didn't have sex because I really wanted to have sex. It was taken from me. And everything that was going on with that person that I laid down that actually, I mean, I don't even want to call it laid down with because it wasn't something that I chose willingly to do. But the problem is, is that that person I felt the shift in me. I immediately felt myself wanting more sex. And I literally was actually doing it because of the fact that I didn't know how to say no. When someone approached me that liked me and I thought they was cute, that kind of stuff, I didn't know how to say no. I had a problem with telling the person no. But what I realized was when it was over with, I felt bad. I felt used, I felt manipulated, I felt unclean. And I would run every time I saw the person again, I would run the opposite way because I didn't want them to try me again. And I remember I got to a

Losing Virginity And Reclaiming No

SPEAKER_00 13:01

point in my life where I was telling myself, this will not happen to me again, I will not continue this path, I won't let myself keep going down this same situation. When I don't want it, I just don't want it. Even if I have to get mad about it, then that's what I'm gonna do. Because I have to find my strength somewhere in being able to say, no, I don't want to have sex. No. So I got to that point in my life that I was able to do that, and when I got to that point, I felt better about myself, I felt stronger, I felt more empowered, and it helped me to see things differently. So this is one of the ways I was able to do and stick with it. I would tell myself, before you lay down and have sex with this person, what's gonna happen afterwards, when it's over with? Will you feel happy about it? Or Layla, would you be proud of yourself? Or would you be hurt that you did it and knowing that you should have waited? And I would answer those questions. I would say, you know, I'm not really ready to have sex. I think I'm gonna keep saying no. And if I found myself being weak, oh yeah, I had those moments. When I found myself being weak, then I just won't go around that person. It's like, let's cancel whatever plans we had. Let's me tell them, hey, something came up. And keep canceling until I have the strength to say, okay. And then I even got to a point where I will flat out in the beginning before I even go out with the person and say to them, We're not having sex, so don't even try me. I'm gonna let you know right now if you want to take me out, you're taking me out just because you want to enjoy my company, not to get into my pants and my panties. No, I'm not giving you sex. So I'm giving you the opportunity to make your decision right now to cancel this date for us not to even go any further with what we got going on. And I remember one situation where I told a person that he was like, Wow, that's what you think I want from you. I'm like, hey, I'm not saying that that's what you want from me. I'm just letting you know up front so you don't get yourself riled up and you know stimulated thinking that that's how this is how this is gonna end, up being like it's not gonna end up that way. And have I had anyone still try me after saying that? Yes, I did. I've had someone try even after me saying all that, they still would try. And I would have to say, look, it's time for me to move around, or it's time for you to move around, and it's just what it is, you know? And then when I see them again, I don't have any words for them because I already knew that they at that particular time I really didn't know what crossing someone's boundaries were, but I felt it, and I knew that they had crossed my boundaries, like this is not what I want, and they keep trying, so this is not a person I want to keep talking to, and I would prefer not to talk to them at all, period. You know, so I'm literally trying to make you aware you cannot continuously connect with broken people on a deep level and expect to remain unaffected, you would need to go on a spiritual fast to get rid of unclean spirits that have entered you. Yeah, that's the only way you're gonna get rid of that. So if you've been in a relationship with someone or had sex with someone and you still feel attached to this person to where you don't know why you can't let them go, or you feel like something is just having a hold of you, go on a spiritual fast. I can't tell you how many days to go on this fast, you need to pray and ask the Holy Spirit to guide you in that that then and only then you will know how long your fast should be and what type of fast. So there are different types of fasting. You have um fasting that you could fast against one particular situation, item, or like let's say chocolate or coffee or something like that. Personally, I don't really really think that

Breaking Attachments Through Fasting

SPEAKER_00 17:39

those are the kind of fasts that you need to go on to get rid of a spirit. You literally have to empty yourself out. With, I mean, what you're doing is killing the flesh, you're killing the sp the flesh so your spirit can waken up and be stronger than your flesh because the spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak. The spirit is willing to do exactly what God had designed you to do, but your flesh is going to override your spirit, and that is when you have to make a decision with your soul to say, I am going to go with my spirit and not my flesh. So I'm going to go on a spiritual fast and I am going to pray and I'm going to fast against food. And all I'm gonna have is liquids, and reason why I say that because if you go on a total fast where you're you didn't no liquids, no food, then I advise you to do that for three days because if you do it longer, the body can only survive 40 days without food before it goes into before it goes into starvation, and it can only survive three days without water before it becomes dehydrated and your organ starts to shut down. So I'll put I really really want to encourage you not to really do a total fast unless you're only gonna do it for three days. And be careful with coming out of those fasts because you can also damage yourself if you don't come out of it properly. If you go on a fast longer than seven days, you cannot just go into eating food like you never went on a fast before. You have to slowly, gradually introduce food back into your body, pretty much like a baby. When a baby is born, you give the baby only liquids and then soft foods, and then solid food. That's the way you will have to do this because I'm gonna tell you right now that it's the only way you're gonna get rid of those unclean spirits that is um lingering around. Okay, so just like when Jesus Yeshua disciples asked him, Why couldn't we cast out that evil spirit? Jesus replied, This kind can only, this kind can be cast out only by prayer and fasting. You can find that in the Bible, in the book of Mark, chapter 9, verse 28 through 29. You can also find it in Matthew, the book of Matthew, chapter 17, verse 17 through 20. It talks about all that. If you want to get more information on that, on how to fast. Now, let me give you some insights because I've been running into people who have been doing the Ramadance as well as this other type of fasting, and they always talking about it. This one lady in particular, I've flown with her recently and flight attendant, and she was kept talking about she was fasting, fasting, fasting. And I'm sitting here like thinking to myself, I ain't said nothing to her. I just thought it to my mind in my mind, and I said, Why is she telling people she's fasting? Because if she's looking for God to reward her in her fasting, she's not gonna get her reward because she got her reward already because of how she keeps telling people she's fasting. It's almost like she wants to be praised for her fasting by others. That's what you do not do. Do not tell no one you're fasting. You must do this secretly. Only way another person should know that you're fasting if they join in on your fast with you. If they're not joining in on your fast, they should not know that you're fasting. Simply just say, I'm not hungry. It's that simple. Even if you are hungry, say I'm not hungry. Because what's gonna happen is that eventually you won't be hungry. Read the Bible when you are hungry or feeling that hunger pain, and those hunger pains will go away. Also, do some praise and worship music during the time of your fasting. And that hunger pain will go away. How do I know? I do it on the regular. This is what I do. Now, I'm telling you too, God will honor your fast if you do it right. Do it in secret. God sees what you do in secret, and He will reward you in secret. That's also in the book of Matthew where it talks about fasting. I think that's Matthew chapter 6 or something like that. It tells you about how to fast and when you fast. Anoint your head with oil and clean your face. Go ahead and put do your hair, put your makeup on, put on clean clothes, take a shower. Yes, it does. That's what Jesus told everyone to do. Take a shower. Matter of fact, don't let no one even be able to tell. They can't even tell that you're fasting. Don't look like the hypocrites, like the hypocrites, what they do. They want to tear their clothes up, be spunky, and yell out in the streets saying, Hey, I'm fasting. Like, come on, just so they can be praised by others. That is what you don't want to do. I'm literally trying to help you to do this so you can get these unclean spirits off of you, okay? And that way you would be able to discern and choose wisely who you are going to date. If you are not dating at this time and you have listened to all of season 10, and you're right now at this point, right now, before you even get started with dating, go on a fast. That way you can have nothing but spiritual discernment the entire time while you are dating. And you will have the strength of God behind you to help you make the right decisions. Because now we're going to talk about sex clouds, your judgment. Let's talk about that. Okay, so let's talk about something very real decision making. One of the biggest mistakes people make while dating is becoming sexually involved too early. Why? Why is that? Because sex creates a false sense of connection. You start to feel we're closer than we actually are. Something else is pulling y'all closer. That's the unclean spirit. You also start to feel they understand me. No, they don't. They do not understand you. Matter of fact, you don't even understand them. Now the confusion has begun. And you start to feel maybe I should overlook that red flag that I just saw. No, you should not. Because when you overlook that red flag, it's going to repeat itself. And it's going to continue to repeat itself to the point where you're

How Sex Clouds Judgment And Bonds

SPEAKER_00 25:02

going to be hoping you would have not ignored it earlier when it first showed up. Sex releases bonding hormones and emotional ties that tricks your mind into believing this must be right. No, it's not right, baby. It's not right. Even when everything else is telling you it's wrong. So now instead of evaluating the relationship logically, you're making decisions emotionally and spiritually entangled. That's what's going on with you when you have sex too soon. That's how people stay in relationships too long. Even when a relationship breaks up, y'all still have sex. Even though you're not together no more, you still having sex because that is that tie, that soul tie that has tied y'all together. We're not together, but we still having sex. Hmm. That says a lot. That tells you that is the prime example right there that you have a soul tie with the person you're with. That's how people ignore red flags, and that's how people settle. And this is what I am teaching you not to do is to settle. It's time out for settling. Do not settle for anyone that you know clearly isn't the one for you. Alright. So the purpose of the 10 dates, why do you need to date 10 times? Well, the 10 dates that I have structured for you is not random. I structured these 10 dates because of my own experience and what I've learned about dating and also from other people's experience, what I've learned and watched and witnessed, and also, yeah, I've coached other people about these dating situations. So it is intentional. That's why. Each date is designed to reveal something to you, it's designed to reveal the person that you're dating, their character, their values, communication style. What type of style of communication do they have, as well as emotional maturity? That emotional maturity is so important because you're gonna have to put up with their emotions and their behaviors. Also, it's designed for you to be able to know about their conflict resolution style. Do they even resolve conflicts or they just keep it going,

What The Ten Dates Reveal

SPEAKER_00 27:53

or do they sweep it under the rug like it never happened? It's designed for you to recognize their lifestyle compatibility. Does it combat is it compatible with yours as well as their financial mindset? How do they think about money? It's designed for their family dynamics, for you to meet their families and for them to meet yours. And that way they can see things about you and that and you can see things about them where you can figure out can we mash together? Can we merge our families together? Also, if we have a family together, we have children. How are they going to be parenting with our child? You know, what's their parenting style? And it's designed to know about their faith and beliefs as well as long-term visions. Do they even visualize y'all to getting married? They might even want to get married. That's the reason why you want to do the 10 dates and intentionally date, not just going out just to have fun or to have a nice experience with them. You literally going out to do exactly what I have told you to do in all ten dates that I have given you questions to ask them and to reflect. So by the time you reach date 10, date number 10, you should be able to answer one question. Is this someone I should commit to or walk away from? Yes, that's the question that you're going to be asking yourself on uh date number 10. Actually, right after date number 10, but you can do it while you're together on date number 10 and make that decision. But here's the key. If you uh introduce sex before that decision is made, you contaminate uh that process. That's exactly what you did. Now your evaluation is no longer pure, it's influenced, and influenced decisions lead to misalignment commitment. I'm giving you some good stuff here. Like, seriously, I wish I had all this stuff before. But I had to go through all the stuff I went through in order to give you this. I had to experience these things. So I am I'm happy that I was conflicted because without the confliction, I will never be able to grow in this area to teach you guys. God used what was meant to harm me, to use it for my good to help you guys, and I am doing that. I am doing that. Okay, so let's talk about waiting. Why waiting is important. Waiting protects your power. Waiting is not punishment, waiting is protection. When you choose to wait, you protect your clarity, you protect your emotional stability, you protect your spiritual well-being, and you protect your ability to walk away if needed. Because you are not tied to that person, you are observing them, you are not attached to that person, you are discerning them, you are not entangled with that person, you are deciding if you should be with this person, and let me tell you something powerful. A person who is truly aligned with you will respect your decision to wait. Anyone who pressures you, rushes you, or even try to convince you otherwise, not to wait. Hey, they have already revealed

Waiting Protects Clarity And Power

SPEAKER_00 32:00

that they are not the one for you. So I want to talk a little bit more about why you should wait and go through these 10 dates. Now you can go even longer than 10 dates. I just want you to get through the first 10 without sex. That gives you the opportunity to see everything you need to see about this person if you want to have sex with this person, or you can wait until you see all four seasons of the person that I have given to you. Know them in all four personality seasons as well, and that gives you the opportunity to say, ooh, this person is unstable, or okay, they are exactly who I need to be with, and then you make your decision based on that, or you can be salivant and wait into marriage. And if you are a virgin, I really advise you to keep your virginity because that is the most beautiful, sacred thing that you can ever have. I wish that I could say that I was a virgin when I got married. If I can do life over, that would be the one thing that I would do. I always say I would go back to the age 13 to that night, and I would have never gone over to that person's house. I wish I would have taken my ass home. That is what I always told myself, and I've been telling myself that since it happened. But then now I'm a lot more mature and I'm past it. Like I don't even let that haunt me anymore because I've talked about it and I got it out and I was able to share what happened to me that night. Because I held that situation and that experience with me getting my virginity taken. I held that in for 25 years. I didn't tell nobody about it. I kept it to myself. I was ashamed. But I'm telling you, now I'm able to give you more insight on what's going on. Because I really believe too, if that wouldn't have happened to me and I would have been able to get the help that I needed, if I would have told somebody I could have gotten the help that I needed, and I wouldn't have been so fast because I became a fast hot girl after that situation. I did. And even though I was fast and hot, I still was trying to um hide it. I wasn't open in the open with it, you know. You wouldn't have known. I was very quiet and sneaky. So I learned that that caused me pain throughout the years of my life when I had to deal with infantility issues, not being able to get pregnant, all those things. I dealt with a lot of hiding that stuff. So all because I didn't tell what happened to me, and I wish I would have. Now everybody's experiences differently, but I'm just giving you minds, and that leads me to talk about the reality of unplanned children. That is the that's another reason why you want to not give yourself so soon to a person that you haven't even evaluated long enough to get to know. Now let's talk about something real that many people avoid discussing until it's too late, until that stick turns blue, that line shows up, or that plus sign, or the digital pregnant, yeah, unplanned children. When you introduce sex too early in a relationship, you are also introducing the possibility of creating life with someone you barely know, or you don't know at all, really. And here's the truth: a child does not just connect two people in a moment, no, not for just a moment, it connects them for life, yeah. You get pregnant or you get someone pregnant, you are connected to that person for the rest of your life. My mom

Unplanned Children Create Lifelong Ties

SPEAKER_00 36:12

used to always tell me, then you gotta deal with 18 years dealing with this person. That's not true, it's not true, it's a lifetime because when I look at my mom and my dad to this day, my mother was 16 years old when she got pregnant with my brother, and she was 18 when she got pregnant with me. She married my dad, and then they divorced. Even though they're a divorce, you cannot tell me that they are not connected because they're connected with me through me, and they're connected through my brother, and now they're connected through my son, which is their grandchild. Like, come on, they're connected. And my son, I adopted him from my brother, he's my brother's biological child. I adopted him from them, from him and his wife, having issues through CPS, child's protective service, and foster care. I had to go get him out, I couldn't leave him there. And it gave me the opportunity to become a parent because that's what I wanted so badly in my life. And he needed a mother, not just a mother to have, but someone who's blood to him and that love him dearly. And this is why I say they're connected even through their grandchild. Here it is, my dad is 73 years old, my mother is 66 years old, and they're still dealing with each other from the age of 16 to now. It's a long time. Yeah. So you're not just dealing with your baby mama or your baby daddy until that child gets old. Even if that child passes away, you still connected to them because spiritually you had given a part of your body to that person that created life. So this it still doesn't just go away. So you have to be very, very considerate of your choices. And you might say, Well, I'll be on birth control, birth control don't always work. My best friend got pregnant on birth control. Yeah, she didn't even know she was pregnant. When she found out she was pregnant, she was five months by this time. You would say, How'd she not know? Then she now periods stopped. No, she actually was still having periods until she that fourth month was when the period stopped. And her her kid's dad was the one that said, You're pregnant, and he brought her home a pregnancy test. He's working at Walmart. So he bought a pregnancy test on his way home, getting off from work, and gave her to her and told her to take the test. I knew she was pregnant because that girl was going to sleep at 2 o'clock in the afternoon, shutting it down. I'm like, how do you come home from work and you call it a night? Girl, it's 2 o'clock. The sun is blazing outside. What is your problem? And it's like, girl, I'm tired. I'm so tired. I'm just so tired. So don't think that birth control is going to keep you from getting pregnant. That's not necessarily true. You're taking a chance, you're taking a gamble. So if you have not taken the time to fully evaluate your dates' character, their emotional stability, their financial responsibilities, because they could be broke or they can have money and they're foolish with it. And trust me, you don't want to deal with someone who's not going to give you money to help you raise your child. Because you it takes money to for these kids. Yeah, it does. They feet grow, they need new shoes, they grow tall and they need new clothes, pants outgrown pants. They hungry. Oh man, my son eats a lot. Oh my goodness. He when they get to that teenage stage, they eat a lot. Boy, they eat and eat and eat. I'm like, wait a minute, man. You just finished eating, you hungry again. Yes, I'm hungry, mom. Oh, I said, just find something in there to eat. I don't care what it is. Make some fish stick. Eat the engeladas that I just cooked. Eat that, eat whatever I got. Eat it all. Just don't eat my snacks. And I'm serious about my snacks. I'm like, leave my snacks alone. But all I'm saying is you have to deal with that. And you also need to fully evaluate their if you haven't taken the time to evaluate their values and their parenting beliefs. Because what if you got a parent that don't believe in spanking and you do? And now you spank the child and they find about it and they want to jump on you behind it or say, I'm gonna take full custody of the child because you put your hands on the baby. Okay, well, you might believe in chestising, spatter rod, spoil the job. You might say, Hey, I believe in chestising, and here it goes, you got the issue in court dealing with this, so you gotta know who you're dealing with. You may find yourself even raising your child alone, and that is not good. And I'm gonna tell you what usually happen in that situation. You might find yourself, if you find yourself raising a child alone, that's not easy. Even if you might say to yourself, because I used to think like this, at least I ain't gotta deal with the man. I just deal with my child and raise my kid the way I want. But then when I got my child, my son, I realized that I did need a second help. Yeah, a father figure, some somebody that can teach him what I can't. I can't teach my son how to be a man. I can teach him how I would like my man to be, but that's not me. He ain't gonna be dating me. That ain't gonna work. I need him to be learning exactly what he needs to learn from a real man. Yeah. And then, of course, if you have a daughter, daughters are different, they do need that father figure to teach them to not get with the wrong kind of man, not to be used and abused and dogged. So that's the reason why I say you have to know who you're dealing with, or you may find yourself raising a child if you don't know who you're dealing with and you find this out later. Now you find yourself raising a child in conflict, you're always fighting, and I see that so much. Oh, I see that happen so much to have to be like, these people here, they got a long time, a long time to deal with each other. Enough is enough. When I was dating, I remember I used to always say, I'm not dating a guy who have a child that's under the age of five, because that was the beginning stage was always the worst stage for a new parent. Because the mother still wants to be with the man, or the man still wants to be with the the mother, and they would be lying and sneaking around and doing things together, and then when I'm I come in the equation, now the the mother wanna have a problem with me because she feels like I'm replacing her, and he's not telling her or putting her in her place about me, and now I got an issue with him, and I'm like, you know what, this is too much. And at that time, like I don't have no kids, I don't have to deal with this, so I'll move on. And I made a rule if the child is under five and these co-parenting having gotten a self-established, we not doing this. I remember this one guy, and I think I told this in one part because I'm not sure if I did, but I remember this one guy I was dating. I liked him, he had a really good personality and everything. The only problem that I had with him was that he did not know how to be the type of parent that taught his

Co-Parenting Conflict And Parenting Styles

SPEAKER_00 43:59

daughter. Boundaries and that she was a child and needed to stay in the child's place. He didn't know how to do that. I remember the very first encounter that I had with his daughter. I was at his house and I went into the restroom. He asked me to stay at his house for while he goes pick up his daughter. I think his mom had called him and said, Hey, I need you to come pick her up. I gotta go somewhere. And I'm like, okay, first off, I wasn't really ready to meet her, but I was okay with meeting her because I know the type of person I am when it comes to kids and everything. I love kids. So I'm like, okay, this would be no problem. Well, it was a problem. Because when she came to the house, I was in the restroom and I was, you know, using it, taking care of my business, whatever, the my personal stuff. And she knew that someone was in the restroom. And she started trying to open up the door. It was locked. And she kept like shaking the door handle, shaking and shaking, shaking. Who is in here? Who's in here? And oh my God. This little girl would not stop shaking the door handle, bamming on the door, screaming. She literally started screaming, who is in here? Who is in here? Why is somebody in here? And then I come out. And she was like, Who are you? And why are you in my house? And I was like, Oh, wow. Nothing happened. Like, he didn't say nothing to her. He didn't tell her to stop. He didn't tell her to calm down. He didn't, he didn't even none of that. And I was looking at him like, are you gonna stop all this craziness right now? And no, he didn't. She kept on going. And then I introduced myself. He didn't introduce me. I did. And I told her who I was. And she was like, I don't want nobody at my house. Girl, you are, I think, how old was this little girl at the time? I think she was nine or ten. I know she wasn't 12 yet. And I'm like, oh, this little girl here. So make a long story short, I say, look, I'm gonna go ahead and go. I left. And some time passed. And like I said, I liked him. His personality was great. He had his head on straight. Um, financial situation was great. I mean, could I have seen myself with him? The answer is yes, I could have. But it was that little girl that made me think twice. And then I remember him calling me up and apologizing and saying, I'm so sorry. My daughter, she's just not used to seeing another woman. She only used to her mother. Now I asked, Where's her mother at? He told me, I'm raising her by myself. My mother helped me, so I am a single dad. And I was like, Okay, where's her mother at? I'm asking again, where's her mother at? He said, Oh, she's locked up. She's she got locked up. Um, he started to go and tell me what happened and why she got went to prison and all that stuff. And I was like, Okay, okay, now I know I don't have to deal with the baby mama, but still, you know, this little girl. And then he's like, I just let her just have her way because I know it's hard for her not having her mother. That kind of soften me up a little bit, a little bit, but I said, I'm gonna give him another chance and see maybe if we meet on a better level with this little girl, maybe she would be better off with meeting me in a different level. So he invited me to come back over, but this time come to his mother's house. So I did go to the mother's house. The little girl's there with her and her cousin, and it was his mom and um I and some more other people that was there, and then him. So now I'm meeting the family, is what I'm trying to say. So when I get there, I'm you know, being mean, polite, and you know, just no tripping, none of that, because I don't do that no way. But I meet the family and they introduced themselves and all that stuff, and I remember going into the den where the entertainment room with the TV and everything is that, and I sat on the sofa. I sat on the sofa, keeping my I sat on the sofa, okay? And then he came and sat right next to me, like touching my leg with his leg. And immediately when he did that, that little girl, his daughter, came running towards him and pushed him over and squeezed her little tiny body in the middle of us and sat in between us the whole time. And I'm thinking, like, okay, you're not gonna say nothing, you're just gonna let this happen. Didn't say anything. I'm still thinking to myself, you just gonna let this happen. You're not gonna say anything. Wow, this is not gonna work out. And I'm literally thinking to myself, this is not gonna work out. If he done get control of this child, she would be the reason why we don't make it. Because I don't, my parenting style is that children do not belong in adults' conversation, it's just what I feel. Now, if the adults are talking about something that is educational, that's different. But you literally got this child right here while we're discussing possibility of us. I'm like, I'm not liking this. So I got uncomfortable, but I slid over just to give some room, and then here her cousin come walking in the room, the little girl cousin about the same age as her, about 10, 11, somewhere up in there. And she said, Hey, come here, come sit here with us, and then put her little cousin in the middle of us. I already knew what the little girl was doing. I knew she was causing division. That's what she was doing. She's creating division. And I was like, Dang, this man here don't have a problem with this. And he just allowed it. And I said, Okay, he has soft parenting. And at this time I didn't even know what soft parenting was, but that's exactly what was going on. And I said, okay, this ain't gonna work out. We're gonna, I'm gonna have to figure out another way with him. And how about I just take a pause? And I told him, look, I'm ready to go. I'm gonna go ahead and go home. And he was like, No, you don't have to leave so soon. I was like, No, I think it's appropriate to leave right now. It's apparently that your daughter don't want me with you. I can see this. And he was like, No, don't let my daughter be the reason why we don't talk. I say, you are letting your daughter be the reason why we're not gonna continue to talk. So, of course, I left, and um, some months passed, and he ended up calling me up again, and he was like trying to say, Hey, I got to talk to my daughter, and um I I straightened her out, and I'm thinking, like, yeah, right, you ain't straightening her out, you just really drawing it, but I'm cool. And then I got to a point where I stopped going over to his house. I started having him come to my house, and I said, How about you just come to my house? And I live by myself this time, so I was like, Hey, come come over to me, cook to me, or whatever. And he came over and everything, and wow, I never told nobody this story, and I know I haven't because I'm about to say it for the first time. I remember when I realized that I really did not want to be with him. This was the moment that let me know I didn't want to be with him. So we end up having sex and the condom busted, and I freaked out. I mean, I freaked out so badly to where I made him go to Walgreens and buy me a plan B. I said, now you finna go, you're not leaving here. We're gonna go together. You're gonna give me a plan B. I'm gonna take it right there on the spot. And he was like, Are you serious? I said, I'm so serious. And he was like, So you're telling me that if you're pregnant, you don't want to have my child? I said, I'm telling you exactly that. And he was like, he was like, Oh my god, I didn't know it was that serious. It's that serious. I said, Look, I'm gonna be honest with you. Your parenting style isn't the same as mine. You and I will clash when it comes to that. I will have a problem with children all up in grown folks' business, and you don't have a problem with that. You don't see that. You and I will bump heads. I'm not saying you're not a good dad because what I witnessed with you, you are, but you got an issue that I can't do. I wasn't raised that way. The way I was raised was to, hey, kids go outside and play, go find something to do, and adults have their conversations. If a child wants to know what's going on with an adult, you better be sneaking to figure it out, but you better not be sitting right there with them. And your kid, and the fact that she's like right there with us, she's pushing it. Like she pushed me out the way. She didn't just slide me out the way, she pushed you, and then she pushed me and squeezed herself in, and you said nothing. And the first encounter we had, that screaming, that bamming on the door, like she's trying to break the door down, you didn't say nothing. That was the impression that I have, and that's the impression of gonna stay with. So, yes, he and I went to Walk Greens, got the plan B. I took it right in front of him, and that was the end of us. I didn't want to deal with him no more. And now, to this day, he's married. I congratulated him on his marriage. I was so happy to see him that he because he deserves somebody. The girl, his daughter, grown now, so hey, she ain't gotta deal with all that. But I didn't have the patience for that. I just didn't. And hey, it's to each his own, but you definitely gotta be careful because if you find yourself raising a child, you can find yourself raising a child in conflict, instability, misalignment, loss of money, or even pure hell. Yeah. So I say to people before you have gotten pregnant, you made a conscious decision to get pregnant. Yeah, you did, because it takes it's a process that you have to go through in order for that to happen. Unless you have gotten raped. That's a different story, different scenario, and it's not your fault. But if it's a decision that you made to lay down to have sex, you didn't make a decision to get pregnant too. Now your decision is no longer just about you when you have this child. It affects an innocent life. So waiting until after ten dates and after clear commitment gives you the opportunity to ask this is to ask yourself, is this someone I am willing to be permanently connected to if a child enters the picture? Because once that happens, there is no casual separation. You cannot just separate and go your separate ways. No, there is only co-parenting unless they decide to sign their rights away, and people are starting to do that lately. There's also responsibility on your part, and it's also responsibility on their part too. And long life tied, you are tied together for the rest of your life, and you might say, Well, my child and my and the kid, dad, or mother is dead, then that's a different situation. But I'm talking about while they're alive. And your child, you might say, Hey, this child, my child don't even need parent, the other parent. But when they get grown, they might start looking for them. And now they brought them back into your life. Here it is 30 years later, and they got this person back in your life. Like I said, lifelong decision that you're gonna have to deal with. Mm-hmm. Now, what about the other issue that sex brings? Yeah. You need to learn that the reason why you want to wait before having sex is because you want to start protecting yourself from transmitted sexual transmitted diseases, infection, just those type of things. So let's talk about your physical health. Every time you become intimate with someone, you are just you're not c just connecting to them. That's not what you're doing. You are connecting to everyone they have been with before you. And what that comes with is real risk. You're risking your life. Sexually transmitted diseases can infect, it can impact your long-term health. Yeah, you get diseases that you cannot get rid of. It also can impact your effects of fertility. That's what happened with me. And it can

STDs And The Cost Of Risk

SPEAKER_00 57:40

also in fact your requests on it can cause you to have ongoing medical care. You have to keep going to the doctor for pills. And I have a friend, well, he's dead now. Well, actually, more than one this happened to they had contracted HIV and they couldn't afford the medicine no more, so they died. Now, when I found out about my friend, this one particular one, I was shocked because I didn't know that he had it. I knew something was wrong though, because he looked it like he got real, real skinny. And usually people with AIDS don't get that skinny. I mean, HIV don't get that skinny until they're in their last stages when it's full-blown AIDS. And he just considered himself that he was just done. Now, he was homosexual, he was gay, and he just gave up. He's like, I don't want to take no more medicine, I'm done. And then another friend, he was heterosexual, he was not homosexual, he was heterosexual, and he died. When I found out he died, I didn't go to the funeral, so my my my um friend who was gay, I went to his and I went to his to support his brother and others, family members. But because he's he I mean that situation, they cremated him. And then um the first person I recently had just met him, and he had AIDS when I met him, and he was also gay too. And I remember when I found out that he had AIDS, it's through a mutual friend that told me, and I was like, What's wrong with Melvin? He's she said, Oh, he's he has AIDS, and I'm like, What? And she said, Yeah, he's deteriorating too, girl. And she started talking about the things that she was witnessing with him, and I was like, Oh my god. So, and all of it came from sex, it didn't come from needles or blood transfusion, it literally came from unprotected sex, that's what it came from. So, this is why I say to you, please be careful before choosing to lay down, because you might require ongoing medical care and you don't want that, it gets very expensive to the point where you might end up giving up. Everybody don't have the fortunate ability to have their medicine paid for, such as people who are veterans and stuff like that, they get to get medical care for free if you go and sign up for the stuff that they gave you because they do give you these benefits. You just gotta go and fill out the paperwork, go to the quarters, the headquarters, regional office of your location, and and so fill out those paperwork if you need to or whatever, and get that on ongoing care for free. Hey, you served your country, you serve your country, let them serve you. Also, sexually transmitted diseases can create emotional stress and anxiety for those of you who thinking, like, well, I ain't gotta worry about that. No, it does, it makes you be so paranoid that it ain't even funny, it's not even cool. And the the difficult truth is many people are not honest about their sexual history, they're not gonna tell you who they laid down with, they're not gonna tell you how many people they didn't been with, and they're gonna tell you if they're protected or not. And most people are not protected, and I'm I'm learning more about grown people who are in their 30s and 40s who will quickly not have sex with a condom before these teenagers and 20-year-olds, teenagers and 20-year-olds are are more likely to put on condoms now because it's fresh in their minds about protecting themselves, and they don't have a long life history of unprotected sex, it's those in their 30s and up who constantly wants to have unprotected sex because they're so used to not using protection. This is why you gotta be very very careful about giving yourself to someone. Waiting allows you time to have honest, necessary conversations with your partner, it also allows you to have time to observe consistency and integrity. Do they have integrity to be honest? And it also allows you to have time to build enough trust to discuss testing and health status so you can go to the doctor and get tested together and share your results with one another. Now you can feel comfortable knowing this person don't have this, this person don't have that. And when you go to the doctor to get tested, do not just let them do the basic tests, tell them exactly what you want them to test you for. And I'm gonna tell you right now, tell them that you want to be tested for herpes because they don't do herpes tests unless you ask for it. Tell them this is the things that I need to be tested for chlomidia, gonorrhea, HIV, as well as herpes, as

Testing Together And Asking For Herpes

SPEAKER_00 1:03:25

well as syphilis, as well as I want I this is what I do when I go to the doctor. I want the full package, I want the whole nine nine yards, I want it all. Don't leave nothing out. You know what I'm supposed to get tested for. Give it all my insurance payment for this, do it, you know, and then they be like, okay, and then I get my results because protecting your body is just as important as protecting your heart and your spirit. Remember, we are three-part bands, which means that we are body, soul, and spirit. Your heart is your soul. That's where all your emotions come from, your decision making come from. You only get one body, and every decision you make with it matters. Now let's talk about making the decision first, then the connection. So, this is what I've learned about myself. When I make up my mind before I even go on a date about what I'm not going to do, then I don't do it. It's not easy when I go on a date confused or unsure. But when I go on a date sure about what I want and what I don't want, I don't even have to negotiate with myself about letting something happen that shouldn't have happened. Sex should not be used to determine compatibility. It should be a result of commitment, alignment, and clarity. After 10 dates, after the conversations, after the observation, after the discernment, you make your decision. Yes, I see a future with this person. No, this is not aligned with me. That's what you do. Yes or no? And only

Decide First Then Choose Intimacy

SPEAKER_00 1:05:40

when that decision is made together, the two of you have to make the decision, okay? Because you might say yeah, and they might say nah. I'm not I'm not feeling her, I'm not feeling him. And you're like, damn, I I really do see a future with you, though. No, only when the decision is made together should you consider moving. Moving into the next level of intimacy because now it's not confusion, it's not curiosity, trying to wonder what's going on, should what it's gonna be like. No, it's not even emotional impulse. What it is is that it's intentional connection, y'all connected intentionally with you making sure that you did not rush. You took your time. So we're gonna go ahead and close this out. What I want to say to you in closing is I want you to hear me clearly. You deserve a relationship built on clarity, not confusion, on discernment, not emotional entanglement, on peace, not spiritual clutter. Waiting is not about restriction, it's about protection and intentions before you give yourself, before you allow someone to have access to your body, make sure they earn your trust, your commitment, and your future because you're gonna live a whole lot long to have to deal with this person for the rest of your life. Waiting is not desperation, it's not for you to starve yourself or deprive yourself, it's not deprivation. What it is is that it's alignment. You want to make sure it's y'all two are aligned with

Final Charge And Sharing The Message

SPEAKER_00 1:07:51

each other, equally yoked. That's what the Bible says. So before you give yourself to someone, before you give someone access to your body, make sure they've earned access to your respect. And they prove they have proven themselves to you to be worthy of you because once you open that door, baby, baby, listen to me. It is not easy to close it. You can have hell closing that door. So don't do that to yourself, all right? Don't do that to yourself. You are worth the wait. And if you that horny, if you're that horny, get yourself some toys and masturbate. Enjoy the exploration of yourself, explore yourself to know what you like and what you don't like, where your spot's at, how to get you there. Explore yourself. It is okay to know who you are, it's safe, you don't have emotional ties to that, and on top of that, you get to take your time and do it the way you like. Thank you for joining me on today's episode of Improving Your Thoughts by Freeing Yourself. If this message resonated with you, please share it with someone who needs to hear this. And I know there are so many people out there that need to hear this message. You're not the only one. And remember, if you need motivation while you're going through your process of dating, come back to this episode and listen to it over and over again and again until it's embedded in you. I want you to do well. It is your responsibility to protect your spirit, not the other person's. So if you can't get your hormones under control, I tell you now, get you some toys. And there are so many toys out there that will help you to relieve that stress and that tension that you are feeling. So protect your spirit, guard your body, and make decisions that honor your future, not just your feelings, because feelings are temporary and they come and go like the rain in the clouds. One minute is shining, next minute is raining, next minute is shining again. I'll see you in the next season, signing out, Allah.