Don't Just Need Me... See Me! When Being Useful Becomes Your Identity (Episode 2- Part 1)

When Being Useful Becomes Your Identity
Have you ever wondered if people love you... or just what you do for them?
In Part 1 of Don't Just Need Me... See Me, we explore the hidden pain of feeling valued only for your usefulness. Strong people often become the problem solvers, caregivers, encouragers, and dependable ones that everyone turns to—but what happens when your worth becomes tied to what you provide?
Join Alaila Carroll as she uncovers the difference between being needed and being truly seen. Through heartfelt reflection, biblical encouragement, and practical wisdom, you'll begin to rediscover your identity beyond your responsibilities and remember that your value comes from who you are—not from what you do.
If you've ever felt invisible behind your strength, this episode is for you.

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Transcript

Welcome And Season Theme

SPEAKER_00 1:16

Welcome back to Improving Your Thoughts by Freeing Yourself. I'm your host, Alayla Carroll. And now we are in season eleven, episode two, part one. And this episode is titled Don't Just Need Me, See Me. And the part that I've came up with as far as part one, this is part one of four parts. I broke them down into four different parts. Each of them have their own title. And part one title is when being useful becomes your identity. So the weight of being strong. What strong people need but rarely say is actually the whole entire title of season 11. I'm talking about the things that we don't say as strong people. We do need things. We just don't tell you that we need things. We keep it to ourselves. And most of the time, we don't only just keep it to ourselves, we go out trying to fix it ourselves because we're so used to fixing everybody else's issues that we figured why not fix our own? Who can we run to to help us fix ourselves? But that is a false belief because every everyone needs somebody, every person on this earth needs someone. When we were born, every person had someone to look after look after them to help them get to the stage of their lives where we're able to do for ourselves. So what happened between the point of being taken care of to now we no longer allow anyone to take care of us. Not saying that you have to be looking for someone to take care of you because this is not what this season is about. What this season is really about is that we need to learn to open up and share what's going on with us when we have our own issues. We should be able to talk just as much as everyone comes to us talk to us. But how are we gonna do that if we never practice it? So I'm teaching you and I'm giving you the tools to use to help get you started. Started on the path where you that you are able to open up and say, hey, this is what's going on with me. You know, any other time, I wouldn't have never shared the fact that I found a lump on my breasts. I would have kept that to myself and suffered in silence. But I realized that I had a friend who did just that. And I noticed her being sick because whenever I would call and talk to her or I'll come over and I'm like, girl, what's going on with you? And she's like, Oh, I just got the flu. That's what she would pass it off. And I'm like, girl, you got the flu a lot. But hey, I know that there's some things, some there's a such thing called the summer flu, and then there's such thing called the winter flu. So I just took it as this girl need to get her immune system up, but hey, what can I really do if I don't know the real problem? And come to find out she had breast cancer, and she did not tell anyone that she had it. She didn't even go get chemotherapy. And I think about it though, why didn't she go? I remember in the time when she was alive, because she did pass away. I remember in the time when she was alive, we were working together and we had health insurance from our jobs. But at

Losing A Friend To Silence

SPEAKER_00 5:12

this time, they started laying everybody off. And while they was laying people off, she was one of the ones to get laid off. So she no longer had health insurance, so she couldn't afford the chemotherapy. But she had a friend who had been her childhood best friend since they were kids. I talked to her after I found out that she had passed away, like pretty much the next day when I was told that she had passed away. I was told around midnight, somewhere around that time, right when she actually did, someone hit me up and said to me, Is it true that she died? And I was like, What are you talking about? I was just talking to her yesterday, and they was like, No, she died. And I was like, Nah, that's not true. I just talked to her yesterday, and then so I got on her Facebook page and started singing all this rest in peace, rest in peace. Oh my God, she did. She didn't even tell me. She was at the hospital when she died. So you couldn't even tell me that that's where you were. It really, really did something to me. It made me feel like I was not her friend. Like she didn't see me that way. But when I found out that I wasn't the only one, then I knew that that wasn't the case. She did see me that way. She just didn't want to burden me. And her childhood best friend, who she had been friends with since they were kids, man, who knows everything about her, even her own sister. She didn't even tell them. And I was on the phone with her friend, and she was like, if I would have known that she had this, I would have paid for her chemotherapy. And I was like, really? She said, I was, I would have. She said, girl, I'm well off. I have businesses, I'm doing well. I would have paid for her chemotherapy, but she never told me. And at that moment, I realized this is a serious problem that we have. We don't really open up. We just want to be strong, but we're suffering in silence. When someone can really, truly, truly help you. Now, that was just one part of someone being strong. So I have a cousin, and she's another one who's the strong one who stays to herself. She don't tell us nothing. Every time anyone in the family asks, How are you doing? She just, I'm good. I'm good. That's all she says. I'm good. And I'm saying to myself, you're not good. I know you're not good. I know for a fact you're not good. But you don't want to tell me what's really going on. I can't really help you. What can I do if you don't open up? She even signed up for one of my programs on my in my business, imaging coaching, LLC. She's she signed up and then she didn't even go through the program. And I was like, why would you sign up and don't even go through the program? Girl, this is I can't help you if you don't want the help. So I told her that program is still open for you. It's free. You don't have to pay for anything. If whenever you feel like you really want to, then it's there. So she has been homeless. She had been to the women's shelters. She has gotten one of her kids not taken from her. He chose to not live with her because he was old enough to make that decision.

When Family Refuses Help

SPEAKER_00 8:33

And he he was old enough to say, I want to go stay with my dad and not you. And the courts granted him that wish. And it was just so much going on with this girl that I was like, I really would like to help you, but that's nothing I can do for you until you open up enough to where I can. And if you don't want the help from me because I'm your relative and you think that, hey, I don't want my family knowing, then I can understand that. Go get the help from somewhere else. But she just refuses to go and get the help that she needs. It has gotten so bad for her that she had a stroke. And she didn't tell me. My aunt, one of my aunts, told me that she had a stroke. And I say, okay, I don't know why she chooses to not open up. But if she ever needs real help, and I mean she really wants to change the way things are in her life, it's gonna start with her first. She needs to start changing who she is, the way she operates, and then things will start changing for her. But until then, I can't really do anything for her. And the sad part about it is that she's younger than me. And I'm thinking, like, girl, um you're too young to be going through all these distress. Because that's what it is, it's stress, it's definitely stress, and then poor decisions on top of the stress. So I wanted to give you a quote, and the quote that I wrote is some people know your values, but no, let's start over. I I want to start over. So it says, Some people know your value because of what you do for them, others know your values because of who you are. Never confuse being useful with being love. The people who truly love you will still choose you even when you have nothing left to give. If this quote touched your heart, then I believe today's episode was created just for you. So let's go ahead and get started, okay? As we begin with season 11. We talked about the things that we need, and we talked about who is there for the strong one. But in this part, I want to talk about not just only being needed, but being seen. Okay. And this is dedicated to all of my caregivers, every parent, every entrepreneur, every pastor, every nurse, every teacher, every coach, every first responder, every flight attendant. Because who believe me, yesterday was a struggle for me. Yes, it was. And we go through some stuff. We almost canceled our last flight, and I was ready to come home. And it was the flight that I was I was able to go home. And any other time I'd be like, yes, let's go ahead and go to the hotel and get some rest. But at this particular time, I'm like, no, we're going to go home. And we took a vote, it was between the flight attendants and the pilots, and we took a vote. Everyone wanted to go home except for one pilot. He was like, I'm tired and all this stuff. And I said, you know, I'd rather wake up in my own bed tomorrow than to wake up at the hotel and then have to catch a flight home. That feels like work to me. Even though we won't be working the flight, it still feels like work to me. Because it's taking away one of my off days. And of course, we were able to do that because what was going on was that it was weather. It was bad weather, but the weather had passed. And we was going on a 14-hour to 16-hour day when it was only supposed to have been a 10-hour day. So we was able to extend our time for an extra two more hours. And he was like, No, I don't want to do that. But the flight that we was working was only a two-hour flight. So I'm thinking, like, hey, this is the perfect time. Let's get out of here. And yes, I was exhausted. I was so exhausted driving home to the point where I was just, I had no energy. When I got home, I just sat down on the couch and I told myself, if I lay down, I'm going to fall asleep. So let me get up and take a shower. I went to sleep early. I don't normally do that, but I did. And I remember before I even on that last flight, there was a passenger. She was like, telling another passenger, I am so happy that they that they showed up for us because I just knew this fight was gonna cancel. I just knew it. And I am so ready to get home. And then the other passenger, she'll say, girl, yes, because I know for sure I'd rather be four hours late than to be a whole day late. And I was just listening to them and I say to them, you know, I said the same thing. And they looked at me and said, Yes, I'm serious. I did the same thing. I was like, you know, I'd rather be at home in my bed waking up in the morning than to be in a hotel trying to catch another flight to get home. So they was like, You where you stay at? And I told myself, I'll stay the same place, where y'all going? And it was like, oh, that is good. And it was like, thank you. And then one of the ladies gave me a Starbucks gift card. She was like, Thank you for your whole, for your, for your time and for doing this for us because we know y'all didn't have to, and thank you. And I was so happy for that gift card because now I got four gift cards. I'm always collecting gift cards from Starbucks, and yes, I use them sometimes too, especially when I'm out there and I need that coffee. I'm like, oh, let me go get me some Starbucks and thank you for the pastor who gave it to me. So this episode's also for every business owner, every leader, and everyone who has become the strong one. Last episode, we asked one important question: Who checks on the strong person? Well, today we're talking about that same conversation even deeper. Today's episode is called Jess Don't Need Me. Uh see me. So it's called Don't Just Need Me. See me. Don't you get tired of people only calling you when they need something? The minute your phone ring and you look at it and you see the name that pops up, you already know they're calling because they need something from you. They're not calling you to talk to you and just have a genuine, genuine conversation with you. Just to hear your voice. No, they're calling because they want something from you. And you know it. So every time you see that phone number pop up or that name, you clinch. It's almost like, should I answer it or should I not answer? You hesitate. You're just not really like excited to hear this person's voice because you already know this person is going to ask you for something. Well, I have that happen to me. And when I get certain individuals that call me, I don't even answer the phone for them anymore. I used to because I was thinking, like, well, I haven't heard from them in a while. Maybe they're just checking on me. And then, of course, before they get off the phone, um, Kenfo, can you do this for me? Kenfo, can I borrow money? Kenfo,

Don't Just Need Me, See Me

SPEAKER_00 17:14

can I oh, it was it's always like that. And I'm saying to myself, you didn't call to talk to me. I mean, you were stalling, acting like you was trying to just have a genuine conversation with me, but you literally was baiting me in to see how you're gonna ask me for the money that you want. That's not fair. And I don't like it. So over time, when I recognized the pattern, which I had already recognized it way before, but when I got to the place where I'm at today, where I'm at today, my mindset, I'm talking about. I don't even answer the phone for them anymore. And guess what? They don't even call me anymore. I don't even hear from them ever. If I see them in person, when I see them in person, I just act like it ain't never happened. I don't bring it up to them. I don't say nothing. I say, hey, how you doing? I give them a hug and keep on going and keep talking to whoever I'm talking to. Because there's no need to get mad or upset. It's just I see you. I recognize you. I know exactly what you are actually doing. So when you call me, I know why you're calling. You're not calling just to have a talk just to talk to me. So I don't care anymore. It doesn't bother me anymore. And it used to bother me, but it doesn't anymore. Matter of fact, you're doing me a favor because that's less stress I have to worry about, and there's less money coming out of my bank account going into your hands, which you are not gonna pay me back. And that is the whole ordeal. You don't pay me back. Now, if you pay me back, it wouldn't be much of a problem, depending on the timing that you ask and what I'm using my money for. But the reason why I just said I'm not answering the phone for them anymore, they're gonna have to find someone else who they can get money from because they are ungrateful and they don't care about paying you back. They're not borrowing the money, even though they say, Can you lend me? No, they're actually saying can I have, but not using those words, but using those actions. So because there come a point in life of every strong person when they are being asked, you gotta ask yourself this painful question here. If I stop doing everything do, or would they still want me around? Those are questions you need to ask. If I stop doing everything, will they still want me around? And they probably won't. And that's a good thing. Sometimes you have to let people go. Sometimes you have to let them move on, and that way you can be free because you have to be free. How are you gonna be free in life to do what's really supposed to be done by you? If you're over here doing what's not supposed to be done by you, you'll never get your assignment done. And then time will pass by, years will go by, and then the day that you die, you haven't accomplished what you was actually put on this earth to do. So now you're struggling in front of God, telling him, Well, I helped this person, I helped that person. He's like, That's not what I put you on the earth for. I didn't put you on the earth to go and continue to enable somebody else. They had what they were supposed to have, they chose differently. You choose chose differently too. So you have to deal with that. So I'm I'm giving you some insight to think about, okay? Take a moment and really think about this. If you could no longer fix everyone's problems, if you couldn't lend money, if you couldn't babysit, if you couldn't solve every crisis, if you couldn't always answer the phone, would some people still call just to ask, how are you doing? With would they? That question reveals more about our relationship than almost anything else. Because it gives you the opportunity to know who who really is your friend. Who's your friend? Sometimes people have to find out while they're in the hospital who's their friend, when they when they get sick and ill, who actually comes and and be with them. Sometimes people find out when they get locked up and who put money on their books, who writes them letters, who come to visit. Sometimes that's another way to that they find out who's really their friend, or who's really behind them, even in their their lowest of low, lowest and darkest times of their lives. But then there's times when you don't even have to get to that point to find out who's really your friend. Simple things like what I just named. You don't give them money anymore, you stop babysitting from them, you stop showing up and solving their crisis, you stop answering your phone every time they call. You only do it when you really want to talk to them. So that is when you're gonna be able to see who really, really have you, who really got you. I want to talk about the invisible trap. One of the greatest danger of being dependable is that people slowly begin to identify you by your usefulness. Yeah. Your problem solving, your responsible, you're the responsible sibling. Yeah, like you're the one that they are looking at to take care of everything because you are the one who always showing up. You're the dependable co-worker, the friend who always say yes, the family peacemaker. So that was me, the family peacemaker. I had to stop doing that. Like, what you calling me for? What's going on? I don't want to hear that. Like, don't call me for that. I've been have I will sit simply flat out say to anyone who calls me about family problems like that, I'm having a peaceful day. And my day is going very well. Don't ruin my day with all that information that I don't want to do anything about. I ain't got nothing to do with that. I know I have um one family member that's saying to me, I know you told me you don't want to hear no drama. But yet you're starting to tell me about the drama. Like, come on. Okay, okay. Thank you. All right now. We we good.

The Invisible Trap Of Usefulness

SPEAKER_00 23:58

So after a while, people stop asking, How are you doing? Instead, they ask, Can you help me? Can you do this for me? Can you fix this? Can you watch the kids? Can you pay? Can you pray for me? Can you pay something that I need done? It could be like pay my light bill. Yeah, you get some people who ask that question. Can you pay a light bill? I'm about to be in the dark. You might say to yourself, I don't have no one saying that, but there are people who do that. I know. Can you lend me some money? See? That's what they're asking for money for to pay their light bill. Okay? Can you cover my shift? You know, these co-workers I hear. Yeah, I'll be having some co-workers who come in my inbox and my email that says, Hey, um, oh, this one girl for real. I had to tell her, I'm not taking no more of your actually, not her taking me taking her trips, it's her taking my trips. Because she she can see my schedule. I shared my schedule with her. And when she sees something that she likes on my schedule, she starts asking, girl, no, she actually didn't ask, she tell me, girl, give me that trip right there. I I want that trip right there. And I'm like, girl, no, I want that trip. And she's like, come on, you don't even like to be, you don't even like to fly that much. I said, it's not that I don't like to fly that much. It's that I do need to fly, and I need a certain amount of credit each month to make sure I have the Zac exactly what I am looking for to get that month. I am not gonna let you take that because last time I let her take it. Oh my goodness. I my my monthly credit was so low, I had to pick up trips just to add credit to my month. And when we say credit, we're talking about flying time. We get paid when we fly. Now we're gonna be getting paid when we bored next at the end of this month. We're starting to get bored and pay. Thank God for that. But at first, it is just flying when the doors close and when the doors open. Now, assume when the first passenger step on the plane, we automatically start getting paid. But at this particular time, that's not what was happening. So I was bringing home some small paychecks and I wasn't happy about that. I said, girl, this ain't working for me. I know that you would take my trips, but you're taking too many of my trips, and I don't get the opportunity to actually fly the way I should. Then I have to go into what we call open time and see what flights they have available that no one had taken yet. And I would have to fill in the gaps with those trips, which I don't always like. Some of the stuff I see, that's why they are not taken because a lot of people don't like them either. But I end up being stuck with that. So sometimes you have those co-workers who are gonna ask for something that you don't want to give away or you don't want to do. Okay. Notice something. Many of those questions that you have heard me just say begins with the same two words. Can you? Rarely do they begin with, how are you? I remember saying to someone, I say, you know, I don't like when I talk to people on the phone and they go straight into their problems or their issues. They go straight into talking about that. I don't, I want you to check the temper first. Check the temperature. How am I doing first before you go into that? So every time I get on the phone with anyone, I always say, How's things going? That's the first thing I say. How's things going? Like, how's it going? Basically, I want to know if I'm able to even tell you what I want to tell you because you might not be available mentally to receive it. So I don't want to waste my time and I don't want to waste your time. So I want to hear from your side first before I start talking about my side. How's it going? And they're like, girl, I'm just working, or everything's alright. I'm just sitting at the house chilling. Oh, okay. So now I can talk about whatever I want to talk. But if they're like, man, I'm at a doctor's appointment or I got I got this, okay. I know I ain't got time to talk. I'm not gonna even put you in that. I'm gonna let that go. And I'm gonna talk about you the whole time. And if you have to, if we have to get off the phone, then I'm gonna get off the phone. But that's usually how that goes with me, and I just wish that someone would do the same for me. The only person that's actually doing it now is my sister because I mentioned it to her. And I was like, I need people to stop just going straight into the issues when they get on the phone with me and just talk to me to find out if I'm capable of listening to that. You know? So strong people often become surrounded by people who who know what they can provide. That's actually true. Think about the athletes, think about the um entertainers, especially the athletes. They always got people around them that know that they can provide for them. Always. They're providing for the athlete. They not. The athlete got it all. They covered the check, they covered the hotels, they covered the transportation, they even paying for some of their bills. And the person that they're doing this for is capable of doing this for themselves, but they leech off of that person who actually have the money and feel like, well, you got it, you can provide for me. That's not cool. That ain't cool at all. But it takes for the strong person to say, No, I'm not gonna do this for you, and I don't owe you anything. When you get to that point where you don't owe nobody nothing in your mind, when you tell yourself, I don't owe you anything, when you get to that point, then and only then you will be able to say, Okay, I'm not gonna keep doing this, and you don't do it, but know very little about what they're carrying. This is what's going on. You're carrying a lot, but people know very little about what you are carrying because you don't let it be known, you keep it to yourself. Not telling you to be so transparent to where you tell everything, but there's some things that does need to be shared though. Just letting you know. I want you to know that you are more than what you do. I want you to pause here because I need someone listening today to hear this with your heart. I want you to listen with your heart, not just your ears. You are more than your paycheck, you are more than your title, you are more than your ministry, you are more than your business, you are more than your accomplishments, you are more than your gifts that you be giving out, you are more than your ability to rescue everyone. Your value does not increase because you're busy. You don't have to be busy in order to feel valuable. Your worth does not decrease because you are taking a rest. You need to rest. God loves you because you are not his just because you are doing things, you are his because he made you. Understand that not because of your accomplishments, that is just a part of certain things that goes on in your life. Yeah, not because

You Are More Than Your Output

SPEAKER_00 32:00

of your degrees, you know. God loved you way before you got a degree, you might not even have a degree, God still loved you, not because of your business. Oh, I started a business. Well, God gave you the ability to start that business, not because you became a parent. Well, guess what? God gave you the ability to become a parent too. And before you even became the person everyone depended on, he loved you simply because you are his. So don't you ever forget that. Don't ever forget that. Because the minute that someone starts saying things to you because they are mad because you stopped doing things for them, remember that God loves you because you're his. Okay. Mm-hmm. They also love your generosity and they love your resources. So if you have things that they can get from you, those are things too. I remember when I first became a flight attendant, I instantly regretted telling people I was a flight attendant. Now I don't even like telling people that I'm a flight attendant. I go to a point where I can tell you guys that because y'all don't know me, but I'm talking about people who actually in my face, people who see me, people who know me, those type of things. The first thing they say is, um, can I get a buddy pass? I'm like, are you for real? Are we are we really going there? Can you get a buddy pass? You guys, I have literally had complete strangers ask me for buddy passes. I don't know you. I never met you. This is my first time seeing you, been around you. I don't even really know your name, and you're gonna ask me for a buddy pass. What is wrong with you? I even had people offer me money and say I will pay for a buddy pass, but then when I come back with the realness of it, we don't have buddy passes. They be like, what? What? That's true. We don't have buddy passes. That's not how my airline operates. They don't give us buddy passes. What they give us is that we register who we want to have on our flight benefits, and they must stay there the entire year. And not only must stay there, I must have we must get the driver's license information. We must have every detail about this person because they're gonna be checked by the FBI. And they like, oh nah, that's okay. I don't I don't want that. I don't want that. I'm like, yeah, I knew it. I knew it. So y'all sitting here asking me for stuff that I'm not finna let you have. But I have had family members come to me and ask me to help them get flight benefits, discount, not benefits, but discounts. And I'm like, you know, there's cheap tickets online, right? Go to cheapticket.com. Go to um all these other airline, I'm not airline, but on travel websites that you can go to and you can get you a cheap ticket. You can get a discount ticket. People use them all the time. Before I became a flight attendant, I used to use them. So that's where I direct them to. I always direct them to go to one of those sites because I'm not finna matter of fact, I can't give you a discount. I can't even do that for you. So I sit back and I be thinking to myself, they only come into me because I'm a flight attendant. They're trying to use my resources. They don't care about me. Because why are you asking me for something before I became a flight attendant? You wasn't talking to me like this. Um, I recently had someone do that to me about a week ago. I ain't seen this girl in years. And she was like, I saw that you took your your dad to Africa and everything. That's pretty cool and everything. I would like to go. And I'm like, you can. That's exactly what I tell you. You can. Just plan for it, save up for it and go. Nothing's stopping you from going, right? Your kids are grown, so go. And she's like, nah, that's not what I'm talking about. I would like for you to take me. I said, I can't do that. I can't take you. And she was like, why not? I said, because that's not how that works. I shouldn't have to go into detailed details how my benefits worked for people. But yet I find myself explaining myself that way. But it makes me feel two things. Number one, uncomfortable. Number two, irritated. Because I'm saying, you don't know me like that. We don't talk like that. Or I haven't talked to you in years, and this is how you come at me. That's not right. But I can see through the person when they do that. I see exactly what they're doing. Like, you're not gonna use me, not like that anyway. And I want you to know that if everything you provide disappeared tomorrow, would they still show up? And use the answer is no, they're not gonna still show up. That's not a question to make you suspicious of everyone, though. I didn't ask that question for you to start being so suspicious and like no, I didn't that ain't the reason why I asked that question because I want you to think and start paying attention to the people who you have around you and the people that you talk to, those who you converse with, you need to pay attention to them. It's a question that helps you recognize the difference between being needed and being loved. Healthy relationships aren't one-sided streets. That's not how that goes, it's a back and forth thing. They provide giving and receiving, listening and encouraging, supporting and celebrating you. Okay, that's what it goes. You celebrate them, you they celebrate you, and sometimes simply just togetherness in silence. You don't always have to have a conversation, you just around each other, enjoying just being with each other. That's a healthy relationship. I want to talk about Jesus. Jesus never based his identity on what people wanted. One of the things I admire most about Jesus, Yeshua, is that he never confused his purpose with people's expectations. Crowds followed him. Many came because they wanted healing, others came because they wanted miracles, some came because they wanted food, others came because of signs and wonders. But Jesus never allowed other people's demands to define his identity. He regularly withdrew from the crowd, he prayed, he rested, he spent time with Abba, his father. He remembered who he was. That's an important lesson for us all. We must remember who we are. If you only listen to what people need from you, you'll eventually forget who you are apart from what you do when you're serving them. Your identity must always be rooted in God, always rooted

Jesus, Boundaries, And Rest

SPEAKER_00 45:00

in God, not in people's expectations of you. So I have some questions I want you to reflect on. I want you to sit back and think about, okay? I'm gonna ask you some questions like I did before in the other episode. And I'm probably gonna ask you questions in every episode so you can reflect on these questions, okay? So before we continue, I want you to quietly think about these questions. Question number one: When was the last time someone called you just to see how you were doing? Some of you guys have a person that's like that. That's a relationship that you should nurture. Question number two. How many of your conversations begin with someone needing something from you? I just told you about mine. And the thing is, do you believe people love you? I really want you to answer that question. Do you believe that people love you? Or do you uh secretly fear they only love you? Love you for what you provide. And perhaps the most important question of them all that I want to ask you is who are you? Who are you? Do you even know who you are? When

Questions To Test Your Relationships

SPEAKER_00 46:32

no one needs anything from you, who are the real you? Now don't rush to these answers. Don't rush through them, okay? I want you to sit with them this week. I want you to sit quietly and just think about them. I think the most challenging question for you is gonna be the one who are you? I think that's gonna be the one that's gonna be most challenging for you. Because a lot of people don't know how to answer that question. They like to identify themselves by what they do, the the things that they accomplish and and everything. That's not who you are, that's what you do. Actually, who are you? So can I explain to you who I am? And I think I can help you to try to understand who you are. Who am I? First off, my name is Alayla Carroll. I am a child of God, the most high God. I am a woman who love. I love with an open heart. Even when I know that some people are using me, I still love them anyway. I do have boundaries when I used to not have boundaries. Now I have boundaries and I have learned to put boundaries in spots where they are needed to be. I am not only a woman of God, I am human. I have feelings, I feel pain, I also feel happiness, and I feel joy. And I know that the joy of the Lord is my strength, and that's where I pull my joy from. I have good days, I have bad days. I am a person who knows how to reflect on good moments in my life to make me happy, even when bad things are happening on that particular day. I like to say on days when I am not feeling myself or I'm not feeling like doing anything, I call those days my soft morning, strong woman. So I am a strong woman who have soft mornings where I don't feel like doing anything, but because I'm a strong woman, I get up and do it anyway because it's necessary and it needs to be done. I am a phenomenal woman who knows my purpose. I know my word. I know that I don't have to show my work to everyone who comes along. If they can't see it, they don't need to be around me because my word shines like a light that shines on the top of a hill. You can't help but notice my light. That's where I am. I shine my light every step I take. That's who I am. I am a woman of God who knows my worth, and I don't allow anyone to pull me out of that. You see, I never once said anything about my occupation and what I do and my accomplishments. You see what I'm saying? So that's a way that you need to start thinking about who you are. So I'm gonna ask you that question again: Who are you? Because sometimes the greatest healing begins when we discover our own identity, which is found in God's love, not in our usefulness to other people. So I want to go ahead and end this podcast, this particular episode, part one, and we will be back, part two. We're gonna we're gonna have part two as well, three and four of season 11. So we're going to explore why so many people confuse they confuse being needed with being valued. Just because someone needs you or you being needed doesn't mean they actually value you. That's not what it is sometimes, and they're just using you. And how we're gonna also discuss how childhood experiences often teach us to earn love through performance, and we're gonna talk about how to rebuild where your appreciation, well, how to rebuild relationships where your appreciation for your heart instead of your productivity. It's time to start making people treat you the way you want to be treated. I mentioned this before about my mom and her, we're gonna have to reshape our relationship. It's not that we're reshaping it because she wants to reshape it. I'm making her reshape it. If you're gonna

Reshaping Dynamics And What's Next

SPEAKER_00 51:35

deal with me, if you're going to be in my life, you're gonna have to treat me the way I am wanting you to do. You're not gonna use me. Everything that we do, you're going to respect me as a woman. I meant I mentioned that to her. I told her straight up, I said, Look, you've been treating me like a daughter that is five, six, seven years old when I am two years from being 50, not even two years, a year and some months from being 50. I am more than a woman. And that's exactly how I want you to treat me. Treat me like a woman, not a two, a five, seven, a ten, uh, sixteen-year-old daughter. Yes, I'm your daughter, but you've been treating me like I'm a kid instead of a grown woman. And that is why I say we have to reshape our relationship, reshape the dynamics of what we're gonna be, how we're going to interact with each other. Yesterday she sent me a prayer for a mother's prayer to a daughter. I listened to the prayer. At first, I was a little like, what is this about? I was a little, I was a little bit hesitant to even receive it, thinking that is this manipulation, because I know she would do it. But after I listen to the prayer, I say, okay, I see what's going on here. She's trying, she's trying. And I'm gonna accept the fact that she's trying. And that is where it starts. It starts with actually trying. First off, acknowledging that this is what you've been doing to me, and then recognizing it. You know, she don't she don't say anything to me about what she said to me and how she made me feel, but I realize I can't make her love me the way I want her to, so I'm gonna make her treat me the way I want her to. That is what I would do. Now, I want you to know that this is this is the way that things are gonna go, and this is the way things should go if you're gonna keep someone around, if you're gonna keep this individual who's not really treating you with the respect that you deserve, if you're gonna tr keep them around, then you must reshape that relationship and you must make it a firm, silent situation where you don't waver. And if you're not capable of doing that, then they might need to disappear from your life. Not saying anything negative about it, but then what I'm saying, you might have to separate yourself from them. And I believe the next conversation that we're gonna have could change the way that you see yourself forever. So episode part two, which is also episode two, part two, I believe that that conversation is gonna be better. It's gonna help you see yourself in a better way. Until next time, I'm signing out.