When Love Feels Like Something You Have to Earn (Episode 2 - Part 2)

Have you ever felt like you had to keep giving, achieving, or taking care of everyone else just to feel valued? In Part 2 of Don't Just Need Me... See Me, we explore how many strong people unknowingly tie their worth to their performance and spend their lives trying to earn the love they've deserved all along.

Together, we'll uncover the difference between serving from a place of love and serving out of fear, the emotional toll of people-pleasing, and why healthy boundaries are an act of self-respect—not selfishness. Through biblical truth, personal reflection, and practical encouragement, you'll be reminded that you don't have to exhaust yourself to be worthy of love.

God never intended for your value to be measured by how much you do for others. Your worth has always been found in who He created you to be.

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Transcript

Welcome And Healthy Strength

SPEAKER_00 1:16

Welcome back to Improving Your Thoughts by Freeing Yourself. I'm your host, Alayla Carol. So this is episode two, part two. Don't just need me, see me. Part two is titled When Love Feels Like Something You Have to Earn. So welcome back, my friends. If you've been listening since the beginning of the season, I hope you've be I hope you are beginning to understand something. This season isn't about making you less stronger, it's about helping you become a healthier, stronger person. You know, a healthier, strong person. That's what it's about because there's a difference. Healthy strength knows when to rest. Healthy strength knows when to say no. Healthy strength knows when to ask for help. Healthy strength knows that being loved is not the same as being needed. Today, we're talking about one of the deepest wounds many strong people carry. The belief that if you stop performing, you'll stop being loved. Did you learn to earn love? That's what's happening here. Because we really don't understand where that comes from, but it came from somewhere, and I would like to try to unpack where that could have been started at. I want you to think back for a moment, not to judge anyone, not to blame anyone, but simply to understand yourself. Growing up, when did you receive the most attention? Was it when you got good grades? When you cleaned your room, when you took care of your younger citizen, your younger siblings, when you started staying out of

When Love Gets Tied To Performance

SPEAKER_00 3:41

trouble, when you achieved something, when you made someone or everyone proud. For many people, love became connected to performance. Without anyone saying a word, we quietly learned. If I help, people will appreciate me. If I keep everyone happy, they will keep loving me. That mindset follows us into adulthood. Before we knew it, we aren't just serving people because we love them. We're serving because we're afraid of what will happen if we stop. So let's talk about the difference between serving and self-sacrifice, because that's what's going on. You're sacrificing yourself to serve someone, and there's a difference between that. Now, don't misunderstand me. That's not what I want you to do. Because I know you're probably thinking, well, Jesus says says act of service is well, you know, all that stuff. No, this is not what I'm talking about. Serving others is a beautiful thing. Yes, it is. Jesus taught us to serve, but Jesus also taught us to love wisely. See what I'm saying? There's a difference between serving from a full heart and serving yourself until there's nothing left. You get it now? Which one is that of you? Which one of those are you? Ask yourself these questions. When I help people, am I doing it because God is leading me or because I'm afraid they will be disappointed if I

Serving Versus Self-Sacrifice

SPEAKER_00 6:01

say no? And that's where I was. I was doing it because I knew that they would be afraid if I said no. But I'm not like that anymore. I've changed. I don't care if I don't care how you feel. Be mad. If I can't do it, I can't do it. It's just what it is. If I say no, I say no. And I'm not gonna waver from that. I'm not gonna change my mind because that's the problem. If you say no and you change your mind, now they got another hole on you. In their mind, they're thinking, I can get her to change, I can get him to say yes, I can get him to change that no to a yes. No, you don't want to do that. Not at all. One response is led by love, the other is led by fear. Fear says, if I stop giving their leaf, love says, if I can serve others without abandoning myself, that's exactly what love says. I will serve others without abandoning myself. I'm not gonna abandon myself to serve you. Strong people often become people pleasers, not because they're weak, because they care. Yeah, they use our caringness against us. They w strong people don't want anyone to be hurt. We don't want conflict, like we don't want that. And we don't want to be disappointing other people. Hmm. Instead, we say yes. When our body is screaming, no, don't do it. There's been many times when I didn't say yes to people when I really knew I should have said no. Not e I think the time when I came to the realization that I was gonna start saying no, it wasn't that long ago. I remember doing something for somebody. And while I was doing it, I wasn't happy. And I know the Bible says God love a cheerful giver. I wasn't cheerful when I was giving at that time. And I was saying, this is when I have to start saying no. Because I'm not happy doing this. This isn't pleased me at all. I really can't wait for this to be over with. And the next time they ask me for a favor, I'm gonna just flat out say no. I'm not even gonna hesitate. And that was when the beginning of me saying no, I'm not gonna be able to perform, I'm not gonna be able to do, I'm not gonna be able to go, I'm not gonna be able to give, I don't know. That's when I started really getting into that part of me. And that started helping me to relieve a lot of stress. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. So instead of you volunteering again or doing another shift at work for somebody else, I want you to answer these questions for yourself. Do I do this because this is what God is leading me to do, or do I do this because I feel like I don't want to be in a confrontation with someone? I don't want someone not liking me because of me saying no. One of the things I've learned when you say yes to someone, even though, especially when they're a coworker, they will take advantage of you. And they will take advantage of you and laugh at at you behind your back while you're doing them a favor. That's the main reason why you shouldn't be doing another shift when you know good and well you're tired and your body is screaming no, or answering another late light, late night phone call, knowing that that phone call is gonna get you out of your house to go and do something for them when you should literally be in your house, or solving another crisis or another burden. No, the answer is just no.

The Hidden Cost Of Saying Yes

SPEAKER_00 10:01

So that is when you need to understand that are you doing this because you actually are being led by God to do this, or are you doing this because you don't want confrontation? Because that's not the way it goes. Here's something I want you to remember every time you say yes to someone or something you don't want to do, or you don't have to do, you are actually taking away from yourself. You should never put yourself in a position where you put yourself last when it comes to your emotions and your physical capabilities. That's something that you should not do. You're saying no to something else in your life when you say yes to something that you really don't want to do, that you don't even have to do. What you're saying no to is your peace when you say yes to them, to your family that actually do need you when you say yes to them, your health when you say yes to them, because it puts you in some some stress, and that stress can cause problems in your body. You're also saying no to the relationship with God because he probably don't want you to do it, and yet you're taking away from your time that you can be spending with him or being obedient to him, and you're also taking away from yourself the time that you can be using for self-care. Think about every time you say yes to somebody that you really are supposed to be saying no to. Just letting you know. So let's talk about the power of healthy boundaries because this is how you're gonna be able to actually say no and mean it and not feel guilty about it. Boundaries are not walls, they're doors with locks. You see what you hear what I said. Did you hear that? They're doors with locks, not a wall that someone can climb over. No, that's not what they are. Boundaries are doors with locks. Healthy people know when to open the door and when to close it. Some people believe boundaries are selfish. I disagree with that. Boundaries are one of the healthiest ways we protect our life, the life that God has entrusted us with. Imagine if your house had no front door to it. Anyone can walk in at any time, day or night. Would that make you a loving person? No, it won't. What it would make you is vulnerable to the outside world, to the threats that can walk into your home and kill you or take what they want. You see what I'm saying? Your

Boundaries As Doors With Locks

SPEAKER_00 14:20

heart deserves the same protection. Even the Bible tells us that in Proverbs chapter 4, verse 23, it says, Above all else, guard your heart with all watchfulness, for out of it flows the springs of life, the issues of life. That's why you're supposed to guard your heart, guard yourself. Because if you keep giving of yourself, you're gonna start resenting the people that you're helping, and then you're gonna start resenting the people that you actually should be helping, and that's when you're gonna become bitter, and that's when your heart is gonna be bitter, and now you have a real issue. It ain't just with the people. Now you got an issue with God. You see what I'm saying? Don't let your heart become that way. That's why you have to have the boundaries. Not everyone deserves unlimited access to your time, your emotions, or your energy. Access is built on trust, respect, and mutual care. That means they got they gotta be taking care of you just like you taking care of them. It must be a two-way street, not a one-way. Now let's talk about when people only notice you after you fall away. Because this is what's gonna happen. Now that you didn't got that part that I just told you about the boundaries, you're gonna be putting up these walls and you're gonna lock knock the wall, you're gonna you're gonna put some doors up, and you're gonna you're gonna build a whole house around you, and you're gonna put a front door up and you're gonna put a lock on that door, and no one can come in that house unless you let them in. Which means that people are going to start falling away from you. What happens when people notice that you are falling away from them? Because people are gonna fall away from you, but when those who don't want to fall away from you, they keep trying to come at you because they're so used to you giving to them and doing things for them. What happens? Have you ever noticed that some people don't realize how much you do for them until you stop doing it? You take one week or one weekend for yourself, and suddenly everyone is asking, Where are you? You stop answering every phone call immediately, and people start wondering what's wrong. You say no one time, and some people

Who Adjusts When You Change

SPEAKER_00 17:06

act like you've changed, and hey, maybe you are changing, but you're finally becoming healthy. That's what's happening. The people who truly love you will adjust to your boundaries. That's what's gonna happen, and that's what you need. The ones who actually love you, they're gonna adjust to your boundaries, they're gonna understand your boundaries. They're gonna say, Okay, I understand. Like, for instance, with my sister, whenever she lets me know she's taking a mental break, I say, okay, let me know when you want to talk again. Hit me up on the text message, let me know you're available. I don't call her when she's taking her mental break. Sometimes her mental break goes for two weeks straight, sometimes it's a whole month. But I don't mess with her because I know that she needs that time and she's doing it for her mental health. That's what I'm talking about. You will learn to adjust to it. The people who only benefit from your lack of boundaries may resist them. That's what's gonna end up happening. A lot of them going to resist your boundaries when you put them up. That door that has a lock. They're gonna be like, whoa, when you put this door here, the door used it used to be a wide open space. I usually just walk on in and do what I want to do. Wait a minute, what's going on? Why are you why are you locking me out? That's what it's gonna feel like to them. But don't confuse resistant with righteousness because it's not. Some people resist because your healing requires them to change too. And that's the reason why they're resisting. It ain't got nothing to do with you, it has everything to do with them. If they want to continue to have you around in their life, they're gonna have to make some changes too. And that's the reason why they're resisting, because they are not prepared to change, they ain't ready for it, they like the way they are, especially the way they are with you. But the minute that you put those boundaries up, lock that door, they gotta knock before they walk in, and they gotta not only knock, they gotta wait for you to answer. They're gonna feel uncomfortable and they're gonna start resisting, and they're gonna start jiggling on that doorknob, trying to see if it'll open for them, and realize that it's really locked, and they can't get in. You see where I'm going with this? Hmm. Jesus didn't heal every person, and this is what you gotta understand. If you're gonna understand that it's okay to resist some people yourself, you gotta understand that Jesus Himself even resisted some people. The truth is that change it requires others to change too. So, this is a truth that changed my perspective. When I started listening, and I I listened to the Bible a lot, and I started seeing things differently every time I listen to it. I have my Bible app, I have my um this um, like it looked like a radio, like a walkie-talkie. Not a walkie-talkie. Well, it does kind of like walkie-talkie, but it also looks like a walkman. If anyone was born in and was living in the 90s, you remember those walkmans that we used to have. Well, that's pretty much what it looks like, but it only has Bible on it. It don't have it has Bible and has meditation music, and um, that's pretty much it. Bible and meditation music, yeah. And I listen to it quite often, and every time I listen to it, I get a new per perspective of things that I didn't get before or that I've I've heard so many times, but never really saw it in that way. Jesus performed many miracles, he healed many people, he showed a credible compassion,

Jesus, Purpose, And Saying No

SPEAKER_00 21:01

but he didn't heal every person in Israel during his earthly ministry. Why is this? It's because he followed the father's purpose rather than every demand that people was placing upon him, and that's where you need to get to. That teaches us something powerful. You are not called to meet every need, you are called to be faithful to the assignments that God has given to you, and it requires you to say no to a lot of people at so many different times. Okay, there would there will always be another problem to solve, another person who needs advice, another request for your time, but time you can never get back. Wisdom is knowing which assignments belong to you, and which belongs to someone else, because sometimes some other person might be the one who is actually supposed to have that assignment that you're performing. You'll be surprised how many times that we performed something for someone that another person was actually supposed to do for that person. So here's some more reflection questions I want you to ask yourself. I want you to ask yourself and answer them, okay? Question number one: as we pause together, ask yourself these questions. Do I feel guilty when I say no? And if you do, why is that? Find the answer to why you feel guilty because that's what's gonna actually set you free. The truth will set you free. When you find out why you are feeling guilty when you say no to people, then you will find the root of what you need to do about that. Question number two Am I afraid people won't love me if I stop doing so much? You will find out that they will actually love you more because they will respect the fact that you have boundaries, and then they will also learn to get some themselves. You would lead by example, is what I'm saying. Question number three Do I believe I have to earn my place in people's lives? Somebody might tell you that, but the truth is you don't have to earn your place in people's lives. No, that's not true. You should never have to earn your place. All you need to do is be yourself, they either gonna accept you or they not. And

Questions That Expose The Root

SPEAKER_00 24:01

also, question number four What relationship make me feel seen instead of simply useful every time you're around a person? The only way you can keep this relationship going, you gotta feel youthful. My husband had a person that he called a friend for over 20 years. This person, I knew immediately that he was not my husband's friend. I knew it immediately. When I listened to the conversation over the phone, he was talking to my husband without knowing that my husband had him on speaker phone. And I would observe what I was listening to. And he would be talking to my husband. Because my husband could, he's very nice. I'm gonna tell you that now. He's a giver. He's he's one of the ones, he's kind of like me. Well, I think that's probably the reason why we do match together, because we both give and we both like doing things for each other. Like I enjoy doing things for my husband, and he enjoyed doing things for me because we both appreciate each other. But when you have these people in your life who are not that way, they love to take and take and take and never give. That's how I was able to notice the difference between this per individual and he had more than one person. It was two of them, matter of fact. But this one was the first one that I noticed right away. And this person would talk to him like my husband was stupid. And I'm sitting here like, dang, why is he talking to my husband like that? I don't like how he's talking to my husband, and the way he explaining himself, like he just this big bad guy, even though he's

A Real Story About A Taker

SPEAKER_00 25:35

like short, I mean like really short. And he got this Napoleon complex, and it's funny because his middle name is Napoleon. And I was like, and I'm serious, his middle name is really Napoleon. And I was like, uh-uh, this is not the right person my husband should be friends with. But I'm not gonna tell my husband who to be friends with, but I am gonna tell him what I observe about this person and let my husband decide if he wants to keep this person in his life or not. So, of course, three years passed after I gave my husband my observation about this person. This person was on the phone again with my husband on speakerphone, and he literally said out of his mouth the kind of person he is. My husband and him was talking about something. I don't remember exactly what the conversation is about, but I remember hearing this guy say to my husband, you're not like me. You're not like me at all. See, you you have a kind heart, you like people, you can easily see the good in people. But me, mm-mm, I'm a snake, I'm a dog, I don't give a damn. I am the type of person that if I want something, I take it. And I was like, oh, he's exactly what I said he was. And when my husband got off the phone with him, I told my husband, I say, he literally told you exactly the words I was telling you about him. If you continue to be this man's friend, anything that he does from this point on is not on him, it's on you. I said, I know what you're thinking. Well, we've been friends for 20 years, and this is the person that um I I trust him. I said, I don't know why you trust him because he's using you. He's definitely using you. I see it all the time. He only calls you when he wants something from you. He never calls you to actually just have a conversation or to give you something. He calls when he wants something from you. I said you'd be coaching for him. He put together teams and stuff like that. You go and train the people that he put together. This man ain't giving you no real money, not at all. And yes, you got the chance to go and do something different as far as being in another country or whatever. But the problem is, is that your worth is way more than what he gave you. And I was just letting my husband see what I was seeing, and hopefully that he was going to pick up on it and get it. Well, God had his way of stepping into that situation. A situation happened where uh my husband had another person that he's friends with, which is an NBA player. That player was moving from his home to another city, another state, matter of fact. And he asked my husband to help him to get rid of some certain things in his house. And one of the things he had was this big old fish tank, nice size. I mean, this fish tank is probably about $2,000 worth of, I mean, fish tank is nice. And one of the guys' friends wanted that fish tank. Well, that same person I was talking about, Napoleon, was telling my husband, let him help him find someone to buy the fish tank. And he wanted a cut from that. Like, give me um a percentage of from that. And my husband, I told him, I said, You'll be a fool if you let this man help you find someone to buy it, because you're literally going to be giving away something that's not yours. You hear what I'm saying? He asking, this guy asked you to help him to get rid of some of the stuff in his furniture in his house, but he told you to keep the money. That's what he said, for you to keep the money. Not for you to share the money with somebody else who only using you. Because he sees a dollar sign where he can find some money. So what ended up happening in this case was the guy that my husband sold the fish tank to happened to be a mutual friend of both my husband and Napoleon. But my husband, what he did was he I was the one that told him to put the fish tank on Facebook Marketplace and to put the um recliner movie um chairs on Facebook Marketplace. I said, You would be surprised who actually wants those table, I mean those chairs in that fish tank, because I've sold some workout equipment on Facebook, and I'm letting you know it works. And my husband did that. One of the guys that knows both my husband and Napoleon reached out to my husband and said, Man, I like that fish tank. I will actually buy it from you. How much you want? Then he ended up quoting them in the price. The man came and got the fish tank, gave my husband the money. Napoleon found out about it, was pissed off about it, didn't say nothing to my husband. And from this point on, it's going on three years now, and that man has not talked to my husband. And I told my husband that was God stepping in to end that relationship. You needed to see what you was refusing to look at. And if I'm telling you, then the man says out of his own very mouth to you how he is, and then God steps in and he shuts it down. Let it stay shut. Don't go and open that door no more. And yes, my husband tried to reach out to this guy several times, and this guy has not responded to my husband itself for one time. I think he responded to him, and this was like recent. And I told my husband, do not open that door back up. Don't open the door that God shut. Matter of fact, if you pry that door open, because you know it's not gonna be an easy open, it's not gonna be a doorknob that you just push open. It's gonna literally be where you gotta pry it open. And if you do that, all hell is gonna come through that door. Let it stay shut. Then I also asked him this question. I say, I'm not telling you what to do, but I'm giving you some advice that will benefit not just you, but the family, me and your son. I don't need that kind of stress in my life dealing with somebody who needs to be gone out of our lives. In the past three years, have you been peaceful without this guy in your life? Think back on the 20 years of y'all been friends, what craziness have y'all been through? What you had to sacrifice and give up, what about yourself that you had to basically be passive about and now think about right now, today, from the last three years that you have not talked to this man, have you been at peace? And he said, Yeah, I really have. I said, Don't give that peace away. Don't do that. And on top of that, I'm like, I don't trust him, period. I didn't trust him. What made me not trust this guy was that I saw him at one of the basketball games that my husband was coaching with another woman, and he's been married to his wife for quite some time now. And I said to myself, that's not his wife. And I was watching their interaction because they were sitting right next to me and didn't even know I was sitting next to them. And I'm watching the interaction that these two have. And I remember asking my husband, I say, I saw um Napoleon, but he was not with his wife. Who is this woman? And he said, Oh, that's just one of his women. I said, one of them. He said, Yeah, he he he cheats on his wife. And I said, I hope you are not like that. And he was like, No, I'm not. I'm nothing like that. I ain't nothing like that. And I say, Yeah, but you hang around with that, and that's a problem for me. Eventually, you're gonna start doing the things this man do. He said, I ain't done the things this man did in 20 years. I'm not gonna start now. I'm like, okay, then sometimes you are the company that you keep. So please understand, I don't trust him. So that is part of the things that you have to really come to a realization that you might that you're gonna have to be careful with. So I want to ask you another question, one final question. What would your life look like if you believe that you was already enough? What would your life look like? Because you are already enough. You are you don't have to perform for people just to be liked. So take your time with these questions that I've asked you, and I want you to know that they're not meant to make you be uncomfortable. What they're meant to is to help you become free. I want you to become free, okay? Who saw Christ set free is free indeed. Understand that, alright? So we will return. Before we end this part of this podcast, I want you to know that we're going to have a heart-to-heart conversation about how to begin changing this pattern that you have inside of you. Being a people pleaser, because you are the strong one. And we're going to talk about practical ways to build healthier relationships, how to receive love without feeling guilty, and why it's okay to let people

You’re Already Enough And Next Steps

SPEAKER_00 35:05

know what you need. We will also end episode two, which is this particular episode. Um we're gonna end this one with a healthy activity. So part three and part four, I'm gonna give you activities, I'm gonna give you affirmation, I'm gonna pray for you, okay? And do all those things. And I have a letter that I had written that I want to actually read to you, as well as a declaration that I want you to recite. All that is gonna be part three and part four. So don't go anywhere. The best part of today's journey is still ahead. All right, don't go anywhere. Be prepared for part three and part four. I'm signing out, Alayla.