You Know All Your Patterns. Why Can't You Change Them? When insight stops being enough.

"I know all my patterns. Why can't I change them?" Maybe you've asked this in the bath, on a long walk, or sitting across from yet another therapist. This episode is for the woman who has reached the honest edge of insight.

You can read other people in three sentences. You can give your friend the advice that finally lands. You know your own patterns better than anyone you've paid to help you. And you still cannot apply a single thing you know to your own life.

You're probably wondering what is wrong with you. But that's the wrong question.

In this episode, Dr. Amen Kaur names what almost no one is saying clearly. There is a name for what is happening to you. It is called cognitive bypass. The high-functioning woman's spiritual bypass.

Drawing on Antonio Damasio's research on somatic markers, Stephen Porges' polyvagal theory, and Steven Hayes' work on cognitive defusion, this episode explores why insight has stopped translating into change, why the work you have been doing has reached its edge, and what the missing mechanism actually is.

THIS EPISODE COVERS:

The helper paradox: why you can give what you cannot receive
The relief of recognition, and why it has been mistaken for change
The wounds-as-currency layer almost no one talks about
The fixer identity and the cost of leaving it
What the science actually shows about insight without nervous system regulation
The choice you are quietly facing right now

For the woman who has done all the work and reached its honest edge. What we do here is return, not reinvention.

The free masterclass at amenkaur.com/masterclass goes deeper. It is where starting over actually starts.

Free Masterclass: The Human Intelligence Framework

A walkthrough of the five stage method Dr Amen Kaur uses with high achieving women who have lost themselves inside a career, role or identity that no longer fits.

Watch it free at amenkaur.com/masterclass

About Dr Amen Kaur

Starting Over, Being You with Dr. Amen Kaur is the podcast for high-achieving women who have been quietly losing themselves inside the life they built. Dr. Amen Kaur, PhD, is a former scientist and former Partner at a FTSE 250 company with 20+ years of corporate experience. She teaches the Human Intelligence Framework, the Five Intelligences that orbit Your Self, and how to bring the integrator back online when it has stepped away from the seat.

Learn more at amenkaur.com/about

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Disclaimer: This podcast is for educational and informational purposes only. It is not medical, psychological, or financial advice. Please consult a qualified professional for guidance specific to your situation.

Transcript

Why You Can Help Others

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Maybe you can relate to one of my clients' phone rings, it's a friend, and her friend's been crying, and she's been listening to her, and she gives her all the right advice. It doesn't matter what it is, it could be about a relationship, her job loss. And then her friend gets off the phone and she's feeling so much better, so much steadier, she feels fantastic, more than she has for weeks. But once the phone's down, my client asks the question: why is it I can help everyone else? I've got the answers for everyone else, but I don't seem to know for myself. If you've experienced this, you sit with this for a couple of seconds, and you notice you don't want to feel that feeling. The truth is, so many of us know our own patterns. You can name them better than your therapist can. And sometimes you're helping your therapist understand you and make the connections. You've read the books, you've listened to the podcast, you've done the work. But somehow, when it comes to your own life, nothing really moves you or helps you like it used to. And if this is you, I want you to stay with me till the end because it will start to make sense. Because what I'm about to tell you, most people don't name clearly, and it will change everything for you. One thing we need to get straight though, you've done the work, you've done it cognitively, and that is one of the safest ways we've been taught to do through schooling, no, through using frameworks, books, modalities, talking to people. And yes, that does work partly, and you can know yourself immensely. You can name your patterns, you can articulate why I feel stuck with so much precision, but you're still stuck. So through a process of elimination like Sherlock's Holmes, we know then that stuckness isn't due to our cognitive ability or being able to understand or know our patterns. It must be something else. And it's not because you've done the work wrong. Because I know so many of us think it must be that there's something wrong with me because the process isn't working for me. But that's not the truth. It's just that process has ended. That's as far as it can go. There's another kind of work, like a button or a process or a shift, so that you can go even deeper to another level of intelligence. And until now, maybe no one's really acknowledged this clearly. Here's another thing that most people don't recognize or say to us is that that level of intelligence have got you so far, as in it's one of the greatest gifts you've been given, or one of the greatest things that you have. But it's also one of the things that's holding you back. And maybe you, like what I did, have spent your entire life thinking, if I could think clearly and be good cognitively, I'll be okay. Even with relationships, you could have a pros and cons column and actually analyze what is the right thing for me. We've been taught to do it through school, through our career in terms of SWOT analysis and making decisions, who our friends are, who we trust, and what we invest our time and effort into. All through the same type of competence, it's that well-trained mind. And it's worked, and you've achieved so much because of it. But here is the truth: the same level of intelligence that built you to this level, it no longer fits you. It's like some old clothes. You might have loved that dress when you were five years old, or that shirt when you were five years old, but it no longer fits you. Every type of framework we learn, that old pattern, and then we start studying ourselves. And somewhere along the lines, we become the subject of our life, our whole focus because of these patterns. But the truth is, there is a lot of grief in the realization that what has brought us here isn't going to help us move forward. Like we have to let go of a part of us that is so precious and so part of what we hold dear to us in terms of our own identity. And a lot of the times, and I know I felt like this, shouldn't I be able to deal with this and fix this myself? Shouldn't I be smart enough to be able to understand how to do it myself and work it out? There is a name for what is happening to you, but it's very rarely explained to us through therapy or self-development because that's what's keeping us trapped. It's called cognitive bypass. It's a way of using thinking to skip feeling. It's the high-functioning woman's version of spiritual bypass. And until someone names it for you, you can't really take a step back and see, oh, am I actually using my cognition to not actually feel what's going on? There's such a relief when we actually look at our patterns. That initial feeling of, I've understood me. Sometimes we can feel so confused for so long. Like, why am I doing what I'm doing? Why do I self-sabotage? Why do I get in these relationships? Why do I not get that pay rise or ask for that pay rise or speak up in a meeting? Why do I do all those things? And then all of a sudden you see your pattern and you understand, oh, I get it. I understand why I'm doing what I'm doing because of this happened when I was younger, or I had that experience. And when that recognition lands, your body softens slightly because there's less judgment. You don't feel so judgmental towards yourself or feeling like there's something wrong with me suddenly passes, and there's a sense of relief because you've worked something out. It's probably a dopamine hit as well. But that's the thing. Sometimes then we're just after that relief, and we make a mistake of it as being the destination of what it is we're trying to achieve. It is progress, but we're mistaking that feeling of relief, of understanding as the work of changing. But actually, nothing is really changing in your life. On a day-to-day level, in everyday results, in the way your business is showing up, or your income is, or how you feel when you're with clients, maybe you feel nervous when you're at work. And here's the part that no one really says out loud. The more you study your patterns, like for instance, I am a woman with an abandonment wound, or I am a people pleaser, or I have anxiety, but I'm high functioning. All these stories, all these identities become a part of us. And then the pattern stops being something you have, and it actually becomes something you become. It becomes your identity. And then to release that would mean like you're losing yourself. And who are you without that? And we begin to identify with a story of the past that hinders us from moving forward to actually fulfill what we're capable of doing. So there is a part of us that doesn't want to move forward. I think it's really important to acknowledge that we all have that because there's a part of you that is deciding that it wants that comfort of the old you, the one with maybe the wound as that identity. I want you to take a moment and actually watch some of the struggles around you. I remember growing up and I've noticed at some point that, oh my gosh, there's so many women that were in my life that showed their struggles as though they were showing their scars from being at war. And there was like a competition, and I could see myself getting drawn into the competition. Like, yeah, I've had struggles too. I have my scars. Come, I'll show you my scars. And it was like, who's got the most struggles? Who's struggling the hardest? Who's had the hardest life and had to overcome it? And this is not a weakness, it's only a validation that deep, deep down, we've given up on identifying with our capability and really fulfilling what it is that we came here to do. And we've started to identify with the old story instead. So we've looked to mine the success that we can gather from our old wounds through recognition and validation rather than really focusing on our capability for greatness. The woman I'm describing, the one that can read so many people and knows people and feels them and understands them, she's not just a helper. She's someone that fixes things. And that fixing, being able to help others, gives a sense of self, of being of value. But her worth is tied up in the capacity to help others, to fix others and fix everything. But the problem is when something is going wrong for her, for instance, automatically we think I should be able to know how to fix it. Because if I don't, then I'm gonna lose that identity, I'm gonna lose that sense of self. And then if people realize that I'm not perfect and I'm not all fixed, and I've definitely been here as well. And that means then we have to hide ourselves, hide our problems, and we don't get the support that we actually need to be able to truly move forward and allow ourselves to fulfill what we're capable of achieving. And here's where I want to ask you something. What was it like for you growing up? And what happened when you were feeling down or upset or something had gone wrong? Who was there for you? Or did you find that you were left alone with your emotions and that you felt the responsibility to just know how to deal with emotional overwhelm or hurt? Were you taught how to manage your feelings? Or was there shame around having big feelings? Were you allowed to feel sad? Or were you always supposed to be happy? If you weren't taught then, and it is a skill that we have to develop, then you can develop that skill now. Actually, really learning the skill of managing your emotions. And that's where we can really bring compassion and understanding towards ourselves, that it's not our fault if we're missing a skill set if it wasn't taught to us. Just I don't know Chinese. Someone would have to teach me Chinese before I would know it. Right now, when I'm learning Portuguese, I don't know it. I'm learning it now. Maybe you need to learn the language of emotions. Cognitive understanding doesn't change the physiological state that produced it. If I was to learn about swimming in a textbook, I can't physiologically know how to be in water and to swim. The body has to feel safe enough to release the old pattern of being someone that doesn't know how to swim into embodying a new pattern of actually knowing how to swim. If you don't know how to release an old pattern, we will suppress it. That means we will hold on to it. It'll be part of our identity, it'll be something that we still carry. The emotion that's held the pattern has to be felt, it has to be metabolized, and it is like swimming. You have to experience it, not just speak about it. And if you've spent decades overdeveloping your thinking layer, because it wasn't safe to really feel, that you never learn how to feel your emotions, just like you weren't taught how to swim. And now you're asking your thinking layer to do something it can't do. Just like your thinking layer doesn't know how to swim. It can't get you through until you actually experience it. Now, I just want to say that any insights you have about yourself, they're real, but it needs to then be passed on to another level of intelligence that says, hey, I've taken you as far as I can take you. Now you need to go and practice, jump in the water, and start learning how to swim safely. Not going into the deep end, but really experiencing it step by step. Now I want to tell you something. To be able to do this work properly, we have to acknowledge the version of you that has got you this far. I mean, they've got you so far. That part of you that has to be honored, loved, thanked, appreciated. They got you here. That fixer part is not a flaw we want to erase. No, there's so many benefits in that. That you've learned how to survive and that you found a way of being capable, articulate, useful. You've been giving, and that part has been holding you for maybe decades. But now you have to pass the batter on to someone else because they're gonna be tired out otherwise. But they've got you this far. That version can't take you any further. That old version of you has to be allowed to die so that the next version of you can live. You take the best parts. It's like you inherit their goodness and then you take it to another level. Now, I also want to bring up there's always two aspects at the same time. One that is steeped in the old. At any moment, there's the past, there's the present, and then there's the future where you want more. So even now, there's a part of you that wants to do like the deep work and release and move forward and actually fulfill what you're here to do. And you know that you're capable and there's something stopping you, but there's another part that's always pulling you back, and there's that genuine conflict, but there is another version of you in the middle, the present that's holding it all together, the now. The old wants you to stay and belong to that old, safe, old way. And the new wants you to fulfill what it is that you're here to do, to feel alive, that part that can be so loving, so understanding, and so compassionate towards both. And here's another thing: if you let yourself be fully supported, genuinely supported, so that you can become that version of you that is so present, so confident to be able to fulfill what it is that you truly want to do. But the old version of you has always been there for everybody else, and everybody's known you as being that version. And then you want to become confident in yourself and really enjoy life. There's gotta be people that don't want you to become that version of you. This is why most successful people, and there's research done in this, will say that we need to stop caring about what other people think to actually be successful. Not because it's callous or cold, actually it's the opposite. Because they've realized that caring about what other people think keeps you in a version of yourself that other people are comfortable with that actually means sacrificing yourself for. And the cost of doing that is so incredibly high. And anyone that's ever been in any type of toxic relationship will really know this. The cost is so high, it's a cost in your body, how you feel on a day-to-day level, like how you feel within yourself, in your bank account, the cost to your income is huge, as well as the amount that you spend or lose because of them. The cost to your spirit is huge in terms of your confidence, your presence, your ability to be in the now. There's a neuroscientist, and he has spent decades studying patients who have lost their own signal, like their own emotional signal in their brains. What he found was quite uncomfortable. People without an emotional signal cannot make decisions. Their thinking is intact, their logic is intact, but without the body's emotional input, their choices become paralyzed. And so many people experiences. He concluded that thinking is not separate from feeling, actually intertwined. Thinking uses feeling to be able to arrive anywhere, like what is it that I want? What is the destination? So when you've been trying to think of a solution or trying to get yourself out of stuckness, maybe for years, and you're finding that you can't think your way out of this. We know then that thinking isn't the problem. Your thinking is incredible, and you're not doing it wrong. It's because the thinking alone cannot do the whole job. Some of you might remember from last week, we spoke about Stephen Porges and the polyvagal theory. Your nervous system basically runs the show before you even can think. And here's why this matters for the work that you've been doing. When our body reads a threat, and remember this can be subtle, just like the feeling of losing our belonging or a little smirk. It shuts down the very part of our brain that integrates new behavior, new ways of doing things, a new way of being. So if you've been trying to think your way out of change for years, it could be that your nervous system is trying to keep you safe. So your stuckness isn't a failure. It's actually your body then doing its job to keep you safe. So you've got a belonging. And here's the third piece. A psychologist called Stephen Hayes developed something called the acceptance and commitment theory. And the research behind it shows there is a difference between having a thought and being a thought. When you say I am the woman with the abandonment wound, the wound becomes you. When you say I notice I am having a thought that I am the woman with the abandonment wound, suddenly there's space. And that's how we can then become the CEO that actually runs the intelligence system rather than it becoming part of the system, that our abandonment wound takes over us. And when we have that space, change becomes possible. Without that space, change is impossible. And Hayes' research shows that a single shift, just that little shift and it's huge, though, in reality, we move from fusion to defusion and predicts that therapeutic outcomes become better than just insight alone. So there's three things that really matter here. Your body matters so much more than we think. Our nervous system is like a gate system, it's your bodyguard. It's always on 24-7. And the most important thing, and the way to actually create that space, is to release judgment. Always no judgment. You should have a no judgment rule. The less you can judge yourself, the less you'll judge others. The less you judge others, the less you will judge yourself. And the science is on your side. Now, I want to explain why I'm describing this precisely. It's because I've sat with women who are living it. I've watched people with that fixer identity that has held them in place that they can't move forward, and they are so capable and they know their patterns, but yet they can't embody the learning. And I've watched them feel so much shame and guilt around knowing all this information but not being able to embody it. And there was a time earlier in my life where I knew a lot of my patterns, more so than my therapist did. I had read all the books, I was very good when it came to knowing the words to say, but I didn't really embody it like moment to moment. I couldn't really feel it in my body and live it. So I'm not describing this because I read about it. I'm describing it because I've seen it from both sides. Actually, swimming and the joy of swimming, and also seeing other women living it as well. There's nothing better. There's so much joy in actually seeing people being liberated. So that they can find their way through and really truly be themselves and succeed because of it. I'll tell you about a woman who I've worked with, and I'll change some of the details so you don't recognize her. She's very senior in her firm. She's done about two decades in her role. And every external measure that you could possibly have, she's had it all together. She just looked the part, she's done a lot of coaching, lots of different types of therapy, lots of different types of modalities as well. And she could narrate her patterns, like she could explain to me all the problems that she was having. And she was stuck in two different areas. She knew she needed to leave her job, her career, but she was so stuck in it because she'd been doing it for so long. She knew she had to leave. But she'd been wanting to build something of her own, but she didn't know what. She didn't know what to do. And every time she sat down to plan it, she would do something, and then she'd find it just didn't quite land. The second thing that was really consuming her at the same time was she just got out of a relationship and it was quite difficult. But she couldn't stop replaying the past, that old ident, this is what he did, and he did this and he did that, and and then she was having those ruminating conversations, which I really do resonate with as well. Like I did that for a long time, and would go round and round in her mind, even though the relationship had ended years prior. She understood rumination, she realized she had that problem, she could name it, and she could see that the rumination was impacting her ability to move forward because she was more entrenched in that old identity. And she could see the patterns were winning, and she'd tell herself, I'm not going to do it now, but she would end up doing it again. What had shifted was that she started to feel the sensations in her body. And she was like, you know what? I'm feeling really overwhelmed. I feel I just I'm losing myself day by day. And we started working together. She was ready to leave within six months. She had built her business enough to be able to leave. Real income, clients coming in. And here's the best part. She said, I mean, I've noticed a whole week I haven't really even thought about my ex-partner. I didn't even notice that I have stopped thinking about it. He's stopped being all consuming in my own mind. And that she's really starting to enjoy herself and even thinking about a new relationship. So here's what I want you to watch for this week. First, just notice are you consuming so much information? Are you gonna consume something else? Just look, are you going to do cognitive bypass? Second, when you start to really think about real support, like something that's really gonna help you move forward, real not cognitive bypass, where you're looking like you're doing the work, but not really. Is there another part of you that is concerned? I'm gonna lose my old friendships, I'm gonna lose belonging in some way. And also think about what version of myself will I become if I didn't care what other people thought about? Please don't fight the version of you that is fearful. Remember, compassion, understanding, love is the only way forward. And here's another question I want to leave you with this week. You have a choice. You can keep gathering insights about yourself. You can read more, you can find another framework, another modality. Each one will give you some sort of relief through recognition. Or you can do something different. You can begin to feel what are your thoughts making you feel? And you can let that old version of you go, that maybe that version that's held it all together for everybody else, and allow them to be released. And you can start to feel fully in your body right now, in your presence, where you're regulating yourself. If you do this work properly, you will be seen, not for your wounds, but for your greatness. And being seen for your greatness is so much harder than being seen for your wounds. Because being seen for your wounds can keep you small and safe. Being seen for your greatness asks more of you than you have ever been asked to give. Mary Ann Williams said that our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. I would say something slightly different. Our deepest fear is that if we let ourselves be seen, we cannot go back. We've got a new identity then. The old life, the old identity, the old way of being, they do not survive when we are in total contact and we are being our true self. So if you're sitting with this feeling of being stuck, stuck is not failure. Stuck is often your body knowing that it's at a threshold and that all the things that you've been doing is what has enabled you to get to that threshold. You've been preparing for this moment. And the question is not whether you're ready or not, you are ready. The question is whether you're willing to take that next scary move into a new arena. So this week, ask yourself: if you stopped collecting insights and started just living from every single thing that you already know, who would you become? And is there an a part of you that is waiting for you to become that, maybe even for years? And can you also acknowledge that there's a part that doesn't? There's two. It's not just your old patterns, but there's also a new version of you waiting to come through. If there's something in this episode that really landed for you, I do have a free masterclass that goes deeper into this work. You can see the link in the show notes. Please do also subscribe, like, and comment, and share this podcast with somebody that you know might need it. Thank you so much for being here and supporting me. I'm sending you so much love. Till next time.