The Friendship Recession: Why Adult Friendship Feels So Hard

Losing friendships, feeling lonely, and what it actually takes to build real connection as an adult.

This episode is another personal one.

Over the past few years, I’ve lost some friendships that I never expected to lose. And if I’m being honest, it’s been confusing, a little heartbreaking, and at times… really lonely.

And I don’t think I’m the only one.

Even as someone who is outgoing, social, and talks to people all day, I’ve felt the lack of real, consistent, close friendship in my life. The kind where you’re just doing life together.

So in this episode, I’m talking about:

• Why friendship feels harder than it used to
• What’s actually changed (there’s real data behind this)
• What we can do to start creating connection again

This isn’t coming from someone who has it all figured out. I’m right in the middle of it too.

If you’ve been feeling a little disconnected, a little lonely, or like you don’t quite have “your people” right now… I think this will resonate.

Maybe this is your reminder to reach out… or to go first.

Website
Piece of Work, a Memoir
Instagram
Facebook
TikTok

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 1:06

Welcome back to Peace of Work. I'm Danielle Tantone. And today I want to talk about something that is really vulnerable for me. It's about friendship. And it's very personal because I have personally lost some friendships in the last few years. Friendships that I never expected to lose. Friends that I had been close with for years and years through through different changes and moves and divorce and marriage. And so when those friendships just dissolve abruptly, it can be jarring and it can be confusing. And so it's been on my mind a lot. I've done some research and thought about why this happens, especially I don't know if it's the age that I'm at or if it's the age that we're in, this digital age with us all being so connected and yet disconnected. But I just wanted to explore some ideas and I've written a couple notes down. And I almost didn't record this because it's like it's like I said, it's very vulnerable and very almost like embarrassing that somebody who comes across as so social and friendly, and I think anybody who knows me would think that I have a lot of friends and I have a great social life, but I don't. And that's it's lonely. So I know that I'm not the only one that feels this way. I've talked to a lot of different people that are introverts and people that are extroverts and people that have big friend groups and people that have smaller friend groups, and I've heard people talking about just longtime friendships ending abruptly and the unexpected hurt that causes. So anyway, I was watching this movie last night called Eleanor the Great, and I highly recommend it. It was a total surprise. I hadn't even ever heard of it. I don't even know when it was filmed or anything. I really didn't do any research. I was flipping through Netflix. I had to fold some laundry and turned it on, and it's called Eleanor the Great. And it was about a lot of things. The movie, it's really good. I don't want to give it away. But what struck me wasn't even the main story, although that was really good. It was the friendship that was depicted in there. That kind of best friend that you just do life with. And it made me realize how much I miss that. How much I've really always missed that and always tried to create that. I've come close a couple of times with a couple of dear friends where you just at the right stage of at the same stage of life at the same time, you live close to each other and you're just doing life together. But most of the time in my life, it just hasn't been like that because either we're we don't live geographically close to my closest friends. I haven't very often lived geographically close to a very close friend. I've had a couple of neighbors that became friends, but either then we moved away or if it's something shifted to change that. Yeah, that that is something that I've always admired and craved. You see it depicted in movies, and you maybe have heard of it or seen it in your parents' or even in your grandparents' day. They just were there for each other. They were sitting on the front stoop. They may not have had a lot of money, but they always had each other. And I just didn't ever have that. Like I said, I came close. A couple of the homes that I've lived in, there were neighbors that did become close, but it took a lot more time than I wanted it to take. And it just was a little bit more fragile and a little bit less deep than I would have liked. And then we've moved a lot, or then I've gone through some divorces and life changes. And so it's been it's not the same thing as those those images that I have of it. So that was what struck me the most about that movie was that just that that deep, long, lifelong friendship. And I do have a couple of friends that are lifelong friends, but they don't live super close and we don't do life together. We catch up every now and then. And it's wonderful when we do, and it's wonderful when we do get to spend some quality time together, but it doesn't happen in everyday life. And so that's the type of friendship I'm really, really missing. And I think it's important. And I wanted that, and I wished for that even when I was married. Now it's even more jarring. I guess what I'm trying to say is I think a lot of us feel more alone than we expected to at this stage of life. Not because we don't know people, and not because we don't feel deeply connected to them, but because we're not in rhythm with them, seeing them daily, weekly. And I've been feeling that a lot lately. And no one really prepares you for how hard friendship can be as an adult. We talk about marriage and parenting and careers, but friendship, that's not supposed to be something that we should have trouble with. You just don't have quite have your people around anymore. I'm looking at my notes trying to see what I wanted to say. So as I mentioned, I've lost some friendships over the last several years, and I don't can't think of an exception to it being not my choice for it to end. I am somebody who really holds on to relationships, even ex-boyfriends, ex-husbands, I I think relationships evolve, but I I usually like to keep in contact and I like to keep relationships going. Even old friendships, college friends, high school friends, they mean something to me. And I don't really believe in unfriending anyone, whether it be on social media or whether it be in real life. I just I can't think of very many things that someone could do to me that would cause me to want to unfriend them. Like I said, it may, a relationship may evolve. We may not be as close as we once were, we may not spend as much time together, but I like to keep relationships, keep connected to the people that meant something to me at one time. I to me, they don't, I don't stop loving them just because things change. Like I said, there's very little that someone could do to me that would cause me to just want to abruptly end a relationship. But that is not the case on the other end. That's not the case with most people. And so that's been very hard for me as somebody who is I'm far from perfect. And I think that my personality can be a lot for some people, and I can sometimes say things wrong, and I can being a nurse and a coach, I always have I'm opinionated about things, and I'm sure that's not always fun, and maybe I don't I try to be too coachy or try to give too much advice when I should just be a friend. And maybe I've gotten it wrong, but I would have liked to talk about that and to to figure out how I could do better. And I think people just don't do that, they just don't, it's not worth the time or the effort that would take. They just say, nope, you're toxic. We're done. And that's sad to me. I think that it comes a lot from just the way everything's disposable today. People even. And we're connected by social media, but I've talked about this before. That's not the same thing as having someone sit in your sit at your kitchen counter and share breakfast with you and hear about what you're going through and see it in your face and give you a hug. Sorry. Like I said, I felt lonely at different times in my life, even when I was married, even though I've always been social, always surrounded by people. But there's something different about it now. It's quieter and it's almost more noticeable. So I'm a social person. I talk to people all day at work wherever I go. I'm a friendly person. I talk to the people I see at the grocery store or wherever. But that's not the same as having people who really know you. So I think I've been thinking a lot about okay, sometimes friendships end. And I love that old saying: some relationships are for a season, some are for a reason, and some are for a lifetime. And I got it out of order, but you get the point. There maybe some relationships just aren't meant to last forever, and maybe it's okay that they've separated themselves from me. Maybe I'm meant to meet new friends. And I'm speaking very much about my own personal life, but the reason I'm sharing this is not just to unload on you, but because I think I'm not the only one that feels this way. So what I'm what I've been getting to with myself, my friends, and my clients is that it's harder to make new friends, even if you're outgoing. Like I have friends who are like, or I have clients and people I've talked to who are super shy, super introverted, and they're like, yeah, I just it's hard to meet people. And you're it's so easy for you. You go everywhere you go, you meet people. And it's true. I do. I make an effort, I make a concerted effort to try to connect to the people that I work out with or that I meet in a bar or a restaurant or family, like my kids' parents, kids' friends' parents. Sorry, I am my kids' parents, my kids' friends' parents. I really try to connect and try to build friendships with these people because, you know, they're that's how you do it as an adult. When you're younger, it just happens. You're in school, you're in college, you have jobs, and you all go out afterwards, and you're all in the same stage of life. And now you're not necessarily in the same stage of life as the people you work with. And everyone's busy and everyone's tired, and everyone has their own life and their own problems and their own friends and their own family. And so somehow we're like more connected than ever and more disconnected than ever. And I think a lot of us are waiting for someone to invite us, waiting for someone to text first, waiting to feel chosen. And the reality is everyone else is waiting too. Let that sink in. Everyone else is waiting too. And so sometimes you have to be the one to go first. Adult friendship requires someone to go first, and not just once, but again and again. You tried to text and they didn't answer, or they didn't answer in a way that you were hoping for. You text again, you invite again, you follow up again. And yes, it feels vulnerable, but that's the cost of connection. And I think we expect friendship to click instantly, like one coffee, and suddenly this is my person. But that's not how it works anymore. It's repetition, it's seeing someone again and again. Same class, same walk, same routine. That's how closeness builds. And then the third thing I've noticed is that not everyone is your person. Not every connection is meant to turn into a deep friendship. And that doesn't mean it failed. It just means you keep going. And it's not for nothing. It's still connections are still good, even if they're not the deep connection that you crave. And the other thing is you have to be a little real. If everything stays surface level, it stays surface level. So you don't have to spill your whole life. But at some point you have to say something real. Even something as simple as, I've actually been feeling lonely lately. That's what opens the door. And then another thing is that we have to redefine what friendship looks like. I think we're holding on to this idea of friendship from our 20s. Constant time together, always available, best friends, you do everything together. But that's not always realistic. A friendship now might look like a walk, a voice note, a check-in text, showing up when it matters. So this is something that I've told you. I've been I'm sharing it from my personal experience, but I've been seeing it a lot even in my coaching. People think they need help when everything's falling apart. But sometimes nothing's wrong. It's just that something's missing. And a lot of times it's just connection Obviously, I don't have this fully figured out, and I'm right in the middle of it myself. But I do know this that if we want connection, we can't just wait for it. We have to create it, even when it's uncomfortable, and even when it's not received. And maybe this is your reminder to reach out to someone or to be the one who goes first. And I think that's about it. I feel like there's probably more that I want to say. But actually, okay, I just saw it looked on my notes. There is one more thing. I did a little bit of research. And there's actually data behind what I'm talking about. Because I had been, like I said, I've been feeling like I've been hearing it from clients, from patients, from friends, acquaintances. We're actually in what researchers are literally calling a friendship recession. The number of adults with no close friends has quadrupled since 1990. 52% of adults didn't make a new friend last year. 42% of people say they're not as close to friends as they'd like. And yet 61% say close friendships are essential to fulfilling, to a fulfilling life. So this isn't a you problem, it's a cultural shift. We've lost built-in friendship structures like school and college and early work, like I said, which gives you automatic proximity. In adulthood, you have to create it yourself. And we don't have as much time and energy as we did when we were younger. And we have a lot of responsibilities. And then we replaced depth with access. So we're always connected. You can send a text anytime, but we're not actually known. And I've always been a big proponent of just sending a text when you're thinking of someone. Just let them know, hey, I'm thinking about you. And that's good, but it's not the same as a true conversation. I think we have those in a lot of cases. So we you can be in group text on Instagram around people all day and still feel completely alone. And research shows that you can even feel disconnected while having an active social life. So I think even my closest friends look at me and think, you meet people everywhere you go. You're so social, you're so outgoing, you have so many friends. And I do have a lot of friends. I'm not for if you are one of my dear friends, don't at all think that I'm dissing you at all. You are valued and you are important. But most of my close friends I don't see very often. And I really, no matter how busy I am, I'm probably one of the busiest people most people know, if you know me personally. And yet I'm never too busy for to drop everything for a friend who needs me. I'm the one that you'd call in the middle of the night because you're bleeding and you don't know if that's normal. I'm the one that you call when you can't get up off the couch. I'm the one that you call when you don't know what to do because your kids not home and they're supposed to be home. I'm the one that you call because you just don't want to be alone tonight. I think my friends know that, but I want a little bit more of that. The real problem, and this is what I've come to, is that it's not that we don't have friends. I have friends. We all probably have some friends. And if you don't, then call me and I'll be your friend. It's like we just don't know how to build friendship anymore. Even those of us who are pretty good at it all all through our lives, it's very hard. So what we do, and I've already said this. Number one, we stop waiting to be chosen. Number two, we treat friendship like dating. Like seriously, you might have to try multiple people. Not everyone's your person, and it takes time. We expect friendship to be organic, but at this stage of life, it's actually intentional. Number three, create repetition. Like I said, it doesn't always come from one coffee or one girl's night. You have to have repeated exposure. Closeness isn't built in just one deep conversation. It's built in consistency. And number four, go first with vulnerability, but not trauma dumping. So there's a middle ground. You're not staying surface level, but you're not oversharing. Number five, choose depth over volume. You don't need a huge group, constant plans. You need one to two real people. Research shows that most people only have two to five close friends anyway. So we have to redefine, that's number six. We redefine what friendship looks like now. Like I said, it might be a voice memo, a walk, a text check-in, showing up when it matters. It's not, it might not be constantly hanging out and daily communication. And number seven, we have to accept the awkward phase. No one talks about this. Every adult friendship starts awkward. Like walking up to someone when you're eight and saying, Do you want to be my friend? It just doesn't happen that way as an adult. You can't say that. So scheduling feels weird, initiating feels vulnerable, you don't know where you stand. And that doesn't mean it's wrong. It just means it's new. So I'm not, obviously, like I've said it a couple times, I'm not teaching this as someone who has it figured out. I'm teaching it as someone who is in it. Right in the middle of it. And I don't have it figured out. But I know this if we want connection, we can't keep waiting for it to happen. We have to be the ones who create it. And that's all I've got for you today. Thanks for listening.