From 20 Years of Addiction to Freedom in Christ | Sam’s Testimony

In this episode of the Fearless Queens Podcast, Sara and Tina sit down with Sam to hear her incredible testimony of redemption.

After struggling with addiction for nearly two decades, including IV drug use and prison, Sam shares how God met her in the middle of her darkest moment when she heard Him call her name while sitting in a jail cell.

Today she celebrates two years sober and is living boldly in her faith, helping others find freedom and hope in Jesus Christ.

Her story is a powerful reminder that no one is too far gone for God's grace.

Watch the full episode on YouTube:
https://youtu.be/lQrgimc7yBw

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Instagram: @fearlessqueenspodcast

Transcript

SPEAKER_02 0:00

Hello and welcome to another Fearless Friday. We are your Fearless Queen's host. I'm Sarah and I'm Tina. Today we have a very special guest. Her name is Sam. Hello. We are super pumped for you to be here today. Thank you, sister in Christ. She has a powerful story. You're totally going to want to stay till the end. Hi. So uh girlie, will you please give us a little rundown of who are you before Christ? Because usually people have a before and after. Have you always known the Lord?

SPEAKER_01 0:27

Um, I mean, to think thinking back at it now, yes. Um, I've always been positive, always been upbeat. Um, it didn't matter if I was struggling addiction, which I which I was. Um, in May I celebrate two years sober. Praise the Lord. Yes, indeed. Yes, for sure. And what's so crazy, you guys, and I mean, I can agree with other people that you can't tell that I was an addiction for 20 years. Wow. I even shot it up. I was an Ivy user. So no triggers.

SPEAKER_00 0:56

Yes, definitely be cognizant and aware of what we are talking about today. It's a sensitive topic, but God is in all of it and He is on the other side. Yes, for sure. Bringing it all to the light. It's a glory.

SPEAKER_01 1:09

Um, but at the end of the day, um How like were you when you started? Um 16. Okay. 16. And I'm I'll be 37 this month.

SPEAKER_00 1:16

So So can I ask? I know you're talking. No, can I ask what like what made you start?

SPEAKER_01 1:21

Like what was your maybe start using?

SPEAKER_03 1:24

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 1:25

Well, uh, my mom used um at um, so I was around that a lot. Um, I learned how to hustle, learned how to steal, learned how to get whatever I could to get to get high.

SPEAKER_00 1:35

So you become like those you surround yourself with. Yeah. Yeah. In which you have a choice. Yeah. Because you were a child.

SPEAKER_01 1:40

Yeah, of course.

SPEAKER_02 1:41

Um, but um so your home life growing up, that's what you just that's what you saw. So you became the product of your environment. Yep. Did your dad was your dad around?

SPEAKER_01 1:51

No. He was in prison.

SPEAKER_02 1:52

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 1:53

Um, but uh so, but yeah, that was uh I was born in California, um, raised in California, Oceanside, Camp Pendleton. Woo-hoo. Oh and uh um I just spent a lot of times on the barracks on the on the base, you know, partying, doing, you know, running away, going to raves, stuff like that. Um eventually my mom and I moved to Nebraska when I was 15.

SPEAKER_02 2:18

Um from California to Nebraska, that's crazy different.

SPEAKER_01 2:21

Well, she had a choice that either you start over somewhere, and I think she knew somebody from Nebraska as I was growing up or something, I'm not sure. Um, but I mean it was I liked it for a little while. I did. I we stayed in a one place for more than a year, finally. So we moved there. Uh she remarried, um, and that's now my stepdad. Um and um they're so is he basically the man you knew as my dad, yeah. Okay, so um, but then um um I ended up you know still using, still as a teenager, doing whatever I needed to do. I would say that that was like the worst because I am telling you I pretty much stole from every store there in that little tiny town. Like everybody knew that when you walked in. Yeah. To be able to stop you? Um, they couldn't. You know, I was I'll get what I wouldn't get. You know what I'm saying? If that makes sense.

SPEAKER_00 3:19

Yeah, um, which is bad, which is really bad. But and would you say that is to those who don't understand what addiction is, and you'll do whatever it takes to get high to so you know so you can feel numb.

SPEAKER_01 3:32

Whenever I would come down, or if I'd be so you know, like sober for a few days, everything would pile on, like all the guilt, all the shame, and it was too much. So then the higher the high got longer. I would stay up for weeks at a time, so I wouldn't have to feel, and and it would just, I mean, it doesn't make sense now to think back of the kind of lifestyle that I lived or the people I hurt or the things I even did or said to myself and to make myself believe it. That's not the woman I am today.

SPEAKER_00 4:00

So even now you being go going through it for how many years?

SPEAKER_01 4:06

Oh man. Well, I did four years in prison, so 16 years.

SPEAKER_00 4:10

Okay, so even now, going through it for 16 years, yeah, you look back at yourself and you're like, I don't understand why I did that.

SPEAKER_01 4:17

Well, I mean, I understood. I mean, I understand the woman that I or you're just not that human. Yeah, no, I'm just not that. She's dead and gone. Yeah, for real. There's just no way. I don't even think twice about stealing. Yeah. Think not even twice. When the Lord gets a hold of you, you're like, I don't think once. You want different things and your priorities shift when you're in the world. And I've matured, yeah. I'm a you know, God-fearing woman, and so I'm a firm believer in Jesus Christ, and there's just there's just not that passion anymore.

SPEAKER_03 4:46

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 4:47

That that was a thing that I wanted to ace. Like I I it was like a game. It was like, what can I steal today? What can I get my hands on? And it was like a chase, it was like a high. And um, yeah, it was just pretty crazy.

SPEAKER_00 5:01

So it's interesting because my husband and I last night were talking about um like the difference between like our flesh, yeah, and then like enemy, the enemy. Those are two different things.

SPEAKER_01 5:12

Right, yeah. And I would have to say that um it I'm actually kind of glad that I met the devil before I met Jesus.

SPEAKER_02 5:22

Did you get scared your way to no the Lord?

SPEAKER_01 5:25

And what's crazy is the scheming and the lying and the stealing was like a chase. It and it and what can I get my hands on and who can I mess like it? It wasn't me, of course. You know what I mean? And I want everyone out there to know that whenever you're like in addiction and whenever you feel down or you feel overpowered, you like you don't feel like yourself because it's true. That is not who you were meant to be, and that's not what God created you to be, and that's a lie, and that's fear, and that's shame and guilt, and those things are all fake, those things are not real, and that's not who you are meant to be. I believed it for a long time. Like, I believed that the devil was like my master, and whatever I can do to get his approval, but and there's this metaphor that I've always thought to myself that if no one's gonna like unless they're really dark, but and they like that kind of stuff, but um the devil isn't gonna just show up with horns and be all red in flames, and no one's gonna be like, oh, take my hand and take it. He's gonna like disguise himself. Like I the metaphor I always think is ice cream man. He's gonna dress up as an ice cream dude, he's gonna be like, I have candy, I have mint flavor ice cream, I have all these different things, and you can substitute substitute those things with peace. I thought that was peace, or I thought like the different colors of the or flavors of the the ice cream, you can say he's gonna dress up in disguise because he's a liar. Yeah, he disguises himself as an angel of light. That's biblical. So someone like the like him sending me that that boy who I ended up relapsing with. He had looks, he had money, he had a car or something, and I was like, oh, okay, you know, like thinking like, oh, he can take care of me. Good, yeah, right. So, but now it's so crazy that I was always with a guy or dated a guy because I felt felt like we were a team. Um, the Lord is my guy. Amen. I'll tell you right now, like right now, I have this ring that says I am enough, and I wear it on my ring or ring finger, so it it just passes the guys by, you know. But I don't want to be with anybody, yeah, and I'm proudly to be single for once in my life. Yeah, and I just don't want the extra stuff, and the Lord will always have something, you know, and planned for me. But back to what I was talking about with um, like I thought that it's sad how bad it was. I thought that that was my master, the devil was like he's gonna get me through this, he never fails, and it's true, he didn't fail. Yeah, he always came for me, he always put stupid stuff in my life, he always made me feel some type of way, the only type of way that I wanted at the time, because that's all I knew. Yeah, but when I'm telling you right now, like when I would call my brother from Nebraska and I'd be out on a mission, and my mom would call him and say, You gotta come get her. She's too much. And he would drive the whole eight hours to come pick me up, hitting a deer along the way, almost wrecking his truck. You know what I'm saying? Like the times where I'm thinking to myself, like, oh my gosh, I was really bad. And then thinking about it, and we'll sit there and chit chat, me and my brother, and we'll talk about it. He'd be like, Yeah, da-da-da. He'll tell me something about I'm like, dang, are you serious? Oh my gosh, so is your brother older?

SPEAKER_02 8:48

Yeah, okay. Six years older. Did you grow up with him?

SPEAKER_01 8:52

Um, we did, but then we got so separated when um I don't want to talk about that part. No, totally cool. Yeah. Um, but uh, we got separated through the state and stuff like that from like uh CPS and all that, and then um, and then of course he's a man, so like he left the like it was hard to be raised with my mom because we took had to take care of her. That makes sense, you know. And so my brother was like, I can't. So he left in to go live in Indiana, um, and you know, started a family. He has three boys, uh, got married, all that stuff. So, and then I was there.

SPEAKER_02 9:27

So your brother lived in the environment growing up the same way you did, but he just couldn't do it. Did differently, yeah. Wow, yeah, and so he was like the angel in your life. Yeah, wow, that's amazing. Yeah, praise the Lord for your brother.

SPEAKER_01 9:41

Yeah, so the the master I serve today is Jesus Christ because why not? Yeah, you know what I mean? Like his results are better, so they so are his results are better, and of course, as a woman, you're thinking to yourself, what kind of manly figure in your life uh are you gonna follow? Like, say it wasn't the devil and someone's not spiritually that mature yet, um, or doesn't know what I'm talking about or understand. So metaphorically I could say, and it's true, say you have an actual biological father, and then you have a stepfather, say for instance, and say your stepfather is in the home with you and your mom, and you have visits with your biological dad, or you don't, whatever say. Um whatever your heart is gonna want to follow, each one. Not saying one's good, one's bad, one's they could be both good. Either way, at the end of the day, women as are going to push towards like their dad. Yes. Or a bigger older brother, or a cousin that's a guy, or male figure, you know what I'm saying? For me, um later on is when I did that with my brother, but um, and I've always wanted to know about my real dad. I'm the only girl out of four boys, and was it three boys? Four, I think. And um, so that sticks with you, you know? And then you want to know about like, and then I'm I'm still young. My parents are dead now. Like, if I'm young, that must mean they were young.

SPEAKER_00 11:08

So And it's confusing for a girl. Yeah, why wouldn't my dad want to know me? Why wouldn't he want a relationship with me? And it it breaks you, yeah. And that probably has a lot to do with why you ran to men so easily. Yeah. Is that that missing void? Yeah. And then we realize, like, yeah, there's only one person that can fill that void. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 11:33

How did you know that you were clinging to the devil? You're like, the devil's my master. Like, when did that, like, oh, this is not me, this is something deeper.

SPEAKER_01 11:41

The longer I stayed up. Oh, wow. The longer I stayed up on that drug. I would stay up for weeks at a time, and not even that, but I mean, there's different stages, and I don't want anyone to be out there to be triggered, but the real facts of it is, and the the reality of it is, is um, whenever you smoke it or if you snort it or whatever you did that way, it's not as impactable as when you IV use it. Because it's going straight to your heart. And I would say up for weeks at a time.

SPEAKER_00 12:07

Like awake?

SPEAKER_01 12:08

Yeah. Wow. Yeah. I just kept wanting to go, go, go, go, go, and never calm down. So and there would be times where I tried it, like, it was like a game. It was just different. It was weird.

SPEAKER_00 12:24

So so I'm gonna kind of jump a little bit. So what brought you to prison then?

SPEAKER_01 12:28

Um, for drugs, uh, possession of methamphetamine. And in the state of Nebraska, um the year that I went to prison, whenever you have a possession charge, I believe if I have this right, it's zero to five years. It's like, you know how they say the ma the minimum to the max. Um, and then they changed it to 20 months to five years or something like that. And then I was on drug court, I gave it a shot. I didn't want to be told what to do. So I left state without permission. I ran to Indiana to be with my brother. And um whenever you're on drug court or any kind of probation or anything like that, it depends on if they're extraditable. Um so I could have gotten an escape charge, but they just um came and extradited me and just gave me left state without permission. So then they hit me with both possessions instead of doing consecutive. No, wait, instead of concurrent, they did it in consecutive, like back to back. So but then whenever you go to prison, this could be just different states, but in Nebraska, uh, to wing you into society, after you do your time in prison, you go straight to work release where you'll be allowed to go work and then come back to the center. And then I did that for a while and then um went to a halfway house, and that's how the procedure goes to get you back into society.

SPEAKER_00 13:46

And how did you do that just once? Yeah, I've only been to prison once. Okay. Yeah. Okay. And so how did you get back into society? And when did Jesus come into the mix?

SPEAKER_01 13:58

Um not for a while. Um I mean, like I said, I've always believed, I just never dug deep into it and actually surrendered. Um so I get out, I went to work release, halfway house, got my kids, got my own place. That boy came along, um, and then lost it all. Um and then he went to jail finally for the things that he was doing, like the stealing and stuff. And um I'm trying to think. I ended up oh yeah, and then yeah, like around like 2019, 2020 is when I came here.

unknown 14:34

Wow.

SPEAKER_01 14:35

Those two years are wild. Yeah, you heard a lot of three years talking about 2019 in our podcast. So when when did Jesus call out to you? Okay, so um, for the last time I went to jail um here in Porter County. Um, I'm telling you you guys, it's so crazy. He called my name. He said Samantha in the dead middle of the night in county jail. I had earplugs in and everything. Like I heard it clear as day. He didn't say, he just said my name. And um, what's even crazier about that is I had almost two years clean about a couple years back. I went to the NA programs, I was in the halfway houses and stuff here in Porter County, and uh I was following and everything like that, and I surrendered. Um, but I ended up relapsing, and I'm telling you what, you guys, like the first time ever relapsing and using that kind of drug because you numb and you don't have much feeling, I broke down because I didn't rely on Jesus first when I finally came down from that high. And I was only out in the wilderness for about six months. I like relapsed in like September of that year, and then my clean date is May. So it took like six, seven months. But I'm telling you, man, some things like I kept crying and stuff to the Lord and saying, I don't want to lose everything again. Please don't let me lose everything again. Please, Lord, just don't let me lose everything again. And I remember my little backyard in my little apartment, I would cry and like I'd be like, Lord, please don't let me lose everything again. Let me choose. And because that's how it's only gonna happen. That's the only way that someone is gonna not want to do something, like the drug or something that you don't like to eat. Say you don't like lasagna, you're gonna eat it and be like, ugh, right? Because you don't like it. Yeah, you're gonna be like, ugh. Yep. If you still like it, you're like, oh man, I know I shouldn't eat this. I know I shouldn't. You see what I'm saying? That's how I was with Jim Cage. I cannot like it. Yep. So that's why I don't like I that that's what it is. I have to choose to not want to eat something or use it or wear it or whatever. Um, and he took and he stripped that away from me. And he didn't make me, he didn't I didn't lose anything. I upgraded. I didn't lose a dang thing. I still have my cat. Oh, I still have my cat that he blessed me with. Um my a home that's so much more safer. Um everything, everything he upgraded me. And I got to choose, and I said no. So it's just so amazing that, and that's what keeps me going. That's what keeps me going, is that I've been stripped from everything, having nothing. And now my mission is he reached his hand in the pit for me so I can be saved, so I can go back and help everyone else in that pit. And that's my calling. And the only way to do that, because I've tried doing this before, and I didn't and I did it the wrong way, where I was using and I was the girl who talked about Jesus when I was high. And but what I what's crazy is people might think that's hypocritical, but the Lord was power more powerful than that drug. Even while I was high, I still talked about him because it was truth. So, either way, long story short, I tried going back and saving all these different people while I was high, doing the wrong things. Um, and my eyes are on Jesus in heaven. So if I'm walking on a path and I have all these people's hands reaching out, this is how I think of it, and I'm like, oh, I can help you, oh I can help you, but then I end up getting in trouble, or I end up getting high, or I end up um because of how much I give. And then now the Lord has kind of boundaries. Yeah, first and foremost, boundaries. Yeah, no one knows where I live besides my brother. I was thinking about that when you were talking about that. No one, yeah, and I that's that is such a good and safe feeling for me. Yeah, because I've had to please everyone else because I was living on their couch or I had no car to leave. But today, if I feel uncomfortable at all, I have a car to leave whenever I want, a home to go to, and a phone to call someone. I before I never had any of those things.

SPEAKER_00 19:04

And it's so it's so empowering, not just as a human, but as a woman, as a you know, God-fearing Christian, like you have your own.

SPEAKER_01 19:12

Yeah, and especially going from abusive relationships where you had no peace.

SPEAKER_02 19:17

And when you find that real peace, you're like, I don't want to never feel that never again.

SPEAKER_01 19:22

Yeah, not even just a slight for an instant. Like today, I'm known for doing that. Like, if I feel gone. We're Sam.

SPEAKER_00 19:31

Yeah, gone. Yeah, absolutely. So you said something that I want to kind of circle back on because I think as a Christian, it's it's so, so important. And I sent this to you last night. What you said about I'm just gonna say what I'm gonna read what I said to her. I was a horrible, disgusting sinner after I was baptized. I was such a fraud. Thank God he loved me so much, right back to his arms. Yeah. Because so often we think, oh, we're we're in Jesus now, we're perfect. We're gonna do follow all the rules, follow all the laws, and then everything's gonna be great. But really, it's about the faith in Jesus and what he has done for and through us that are gonna get us through those times of hard challenges or temptations, or I know I'm doing something I shouldn't be doing, but at the same time, it's like Lord help me.

SPEAKER_01 20:22

And Lord helped the reason why is because he knows who you are past what the what did you say disgusting, or what was the word? Yeah, knows you past that, but during that, he knows the flesh, he knows temptations, he knows that Satan is dressed very classy and has your eye because he's a sparkle, he's uh like what do they say, um um shiny, you know, like gets your attention. Sparkle be bright. Satan is doing that, and he he wouldn't be doing that if you didn't have worth right, exactly point blank, period. Both of them Satan and Jesus, you know what I'm saying? Satan will disguise himself to make you believe it, and the Lord is strengthening you until then he sees you past that, yeah, and that's why he loves us, and that's why it's just it's so crazy because that's yeah, it's the battle of soul, like they both want your soul, and one is everlasting love, and the other one is pretending everlasting pitfalls of hell, like it's um torture, yeah, eternal torture, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 21:29

Well, and he knows he's going there and he hasn't been there yet, so it's I want everyone to come down with me. Yeah, and Jesus came down to save everybody to go up with him. Amen.

SPEAKER_00 21:38

Yeah. You know, I always quote Billy Graham and he said something that's Oh, I love Billy Graham. Gosh, one of the greatest old school of all time. Um, but he said the other day, someone had asked, not the other day, he's now since you know with our Lord, but in the thing I was listening to the other day, someone said someone had asked him about like, what do you think of? The devil. And he goes, He's amazing at what he does.

SPEAKER_01 22:03

Yeah. He is a great devil. Yeah. And I was like, whoa. But not in a way that he's like wanting to uplift him as like, oh, he's awesome, but more like, he's good, boy. Yep. He's good at what he does. Yep. And I'll tell you and I've been there. But I do know that the Lord is so much better. Absolutely. The Lord is so much better. His results last longer. They do. You know if that makes sense. Like for people who are out there in addiction, who's chasing that high, I'm telling you right now, when you give your life to Jesus Christ, that his high lasts longer. Okay.

SPEAKER_00 22:39

I've done it.

SPEAKER_01 22:42

Yeah. Yeah. Wow. He's the best drug dealer I know.

SPEAKER_00 22:49

So can you share with us, Sarah? I got the pleasure of hearing this, but share with our uh our peeps a little bit about your brother loving you.

SPEAKER_01 23:03

Thank you.

SPEAKER_00 23:05

Your brother loving you to Jesus. Because I think and insert your person that is loving you, that isn't left being the light of Christ without slapping your face with c condemnation. Um, I don't know.

SPEAKER_01 23:23

He I think the reason why I'm not sure exactly the time and like frame and when it was is because I was still fogged in life and I was maybe too young or something like that. Um, but I do know that he has his own testimony. Um I true I think though for sure it could have been before this, but I believe that he found Jesus Christ when he was in prison. Oh wow yeah, so and that's his own story to tell. But I do know that I I do know that that was something that um he talks about, and that's where he's been he was saved. And that see, my brother, I have it too, but not as strong as he does. But he hears from the Lord. Like, yeah, there's confirmations, yeah, there's signs, there's oh, it's not odd, it's God kind of thing. Yeah, you know, my brother, it's my brother, like, yeah, he's very spiritual mature, like very to the point where the Lord did that on purpose, and um and humble as humble as a humble like the humble one of the humblest individuals I've ever met. And um we he I think I bel truly believe, first of all, is that his purpose, not only for to be in my life and for others, is that he's breaking generational curses because the traumatic lifestyle that me and him had to live through and the parents that we had, um, even though we me we do see the good side of them, but the flesh and how Satan had to hold on them both, um it's very hard, but we are breaking generational curses, we really are. And um, I'm just so grateful to be that part of that, to be known as the generational curse of my family, as the woman and my brother as as the the male of them of the Gians. Um, out of my mom, our dad um family kids. So, because there's a lot of trauma in that, yeah. Even with their history, and my mom was adopted, or our mom was adopted, so we don't know any of her family. And she died so young, like two days before her 50th birthday, just rough, you know. And then my dad, I really can't really talk much about that one because that's really traumatic.

SPEAKER_00 25:50

Um well, and it's you know, you talk we talk about going to the Bible and yeah, Moses and how he brought them out of Egypt.

SPEAKER_01 25:59

Yeah, and my brother just made that metaphor the other day.

SPEAKER_00 26:01

He did, he brought them out of Egypt, but Egypt stayed in them for 400 years. Yeah, they could not get Egypt out of them. Yeah, they try, yeah. And it's like, why would we think that we would be able to easily, I mean, you talk about slavery today, yeah. Like, of course, like some people, some groups have only been in slavery for 100 years. Yeah, that was 400 years, and so we have a podcast, it ran in my family until it ran into me because we can get to a point. Oh, I like that.

SPEAKER_02 26:33

That's um, yeah, yeah, that's our mantra, growing up. We are all a part of generational breaking up in here.

SPEAKER_01 26:38

Is that I have to re like I'm still young up here, even though I'm in my late 30s. You know what I'm saying? Like, I'm still young, like because I pushed okay. So it's uh another metaphor I have is all these different things in my life I put it in my pocket. And now the Lord is like, give me your jeans, it's time to wash them. You have full pockets. Let me take these out, let's do it together, let's lay it all down. And what do you have? Well, we don't need that, or we can hold on to that. And there are some things I'm like, I want to hold on to this for a little bit longer. Or, um, ooh, I got this one when my mom was still alive, so that reminds me of her. And then, you know what I'm saying? Or this is something I have on my dad that I never got to meet him yet, or you know what I'm saying? Stuff like that, and that's metaphorically, it could be anything. So I'm talking about like learning how to not want to rely on a man, you know, or um, but there I have been learning that um there are some things that will replace my addiction, be personality, sugar, you know what I'm saying? Cigarettes, yeah, you know, that one's hard for me. Yeah, it is really hard for me. And in my thinking, it's slowly going away, but in my thinking, I'm like, oh shit, I mean shoot. Um I shot up meth. I can still smoke cigarettes. You know, I could be doing a lot worse things, yeah. But when that time comes, that time comes. But there's behavioral patterns that I still have. Um, what are they called? Um characteristics, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 28:08

Um, um, just different things that yeah, but what the enemy means for evil, God will turn it for his good.

SPEAKER_01 28:15

So never be good if there wasn't bad, and vice versa. So you can learn from that. And you know what I mean? Like what you were saying with the what was it, the um general like we were talking about with the general curve.

SPEAKER_00 28:26

It ran in my family until it ran into me. Yeah. Well, and two, also, I rem I read something not long ago that it was, you know, obviously in scripture, the the verses, um, if he brought you to it, he will bring you through it, right? Type of thing. But also, if you know, God will never tempt you beyond what you can bear, but with that temptation, he will find, you know, he will give you a way out. It's he will never like if he's gonna bring you bring something up, bring something out of your pocket, and he's like, We're gonna go through this, it's only as much as your heart can bear at the time. Right. So he's not gonna bring something like here, we're gonna do this right now.

SPEAKER_01 29:01

That he's not gonna walk with you.

SPEAKER_00 29:02

Yeah, he's not gonna give you people and appointments and scripture to walk through it with you. Yeah, and so it's some people think I gotta clean myself up and then come to Christ. No, no, no, it's way better when you let him clean you up. Yeah, right.

SPEAKER_01 29:16

And then with my brother, like just he's always been so positive. And whenever he, with all of his spiritual um beauty, uh beauty, um, spiritual battles, um, being in the wilderness, he calls it. Moments where he's had spiritual things happen. And um I don't know, he just every time I would like my mom would call, she'd come get her, or um like he would always say, Don't you know who you are? He would always say that. And I'm telling you, I'd call him out of just random places, like, oh, they're messing with me, or thinking that you know, just being paranoid about things, or just being sad, or just going through something. And he's like, Don't you know who you are? And I always remember that to the to this day.

SPEAKER_00 30:06

He always reminds me, always, always, always so speaking scripture without speaking scripture, essentially.

SPEAKER_01 30:11

Yeah, don't you know who you are? You are a child of God. Yes, like what are you doing?

SPEAKER_00 30:15

You are beautiful, you are worthy, you are loved, yeah, you are made for more. Yes, all that.

SPEAKER_01 30:20

He's always played Christian music, always had that in my back of my head, and I am just so grateful because I'm telling you, like, I I probably wouldn't be here today for sure. Because that addiction would have I would have believed all the lies. I really would have.

SPEAKER_00 30:36

So we as God-fearing Christian women and hopefully sisters and brothers in Christ, it's so important as I was reading through Galatians that we are to build one another up. We are to love people back to Jesus. And when you were in the midst of your your addiction and your pain and your suffering, he was loving you back.

SPEAKER_03 30:59

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 30:59

Because that's what we were, that's what we were created for, is to love one another, essentially. Love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your might, and love your neighbor as yourself. So as I'm talking about love and Jesus, can you share with our uh peeps what your Bible verse is? What your what is foundation?

SPEAKER_01 31:20

Yeah, lately I've been uh every time I like look at my watch at work or just during the day, it's always pointed at 316. John 316.

SPEAKER_00 31:27

So it's just share it for those who maybe don't read the Bible yet.

SPEAKER_01 31:30

Um what is it again? So it's um for God, yeah. Oh, yeah. So for God so loved the world that he sent his only son for us. And while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. Yeah, it's just a reminder. Yeah, it really is. And like, I don't know, just it always sticks out. And every time, like now lately, when it's like 314, right before it does, I'll be like, um, whatever I'm doing, I'm gonna stop till it says 316. So I don't know, just been really standing out to me. Or I like um for me in my house, I will serve the Lord. Joshua. Yeah, that's been a favorite one lately. Always for me in my house, I will serve the Lord.

SPEAKER_00 32:06

And the cool part about that verse, if you read it's the prequel, I think. Yeah, it's you decide what you want for yourself, yeah. But for me, as for me. Yeah, and my cat.

SPEAKER_01 32:17

And my cat, we will serve the Lord. Yeah. Jesus. So I don't know. I'm just really excited. I was gonna um maybe off topic a little bit about the talk with the banquet. So it's really cool. Um, because I haven't picked a song for it and I'm at like at like 23 minutes, you know, because it's 25 to 30 minutes. Um, I don't know, I have some really cool ideas because my mentor did remind me, because I don't know if anyone else has, I don't know if it stood out as much at the other banquets, but the main talk is make a friend, be a friend, and bring that friend to Christ. Yeah, and even though the the talk is called Life of Christian Action, it's just really cool because you know, just throwing ideas out there and stuff like that.

SPEAKER_00 32:57

And um if you've never if you're listening to this and this is your first time hearing about the banquet, it is a weekend with Jesus, and you can go back to our episode the invitation, yes, and it it just it's an amazing weekend with Jesus, so that's what that is.

SPEAKER_02 33:14

Yeah, you hear testimonies and there's not a lot more we're gonna share on that, but you just it's a call to Christ table and he sets it for you.

SPEAKER_01 33:21

Yeah, because it's such a surprising weekend, so we don't want to put too much details into it, but as I was just bringing it up as in like being on team and being in a talk or a uh speaker, I should say. Um, yeah, so but I don't know. I just um it's just really cool because I did mention for the first time about my brother, and he's the perfect uh example for be a friend, make a friend, and bring that friend to Christ. That's why, and that opens up a little bit of vulnerability for me, um, and for my brother, because you know it's somebody's gonna be like, Well, I want to hear his testimony, yeah. And I did tell him though, because I haven't previewed previewed it to him yet. He still doesn't hasn't heard it. Oh, so and I do want to, um, and I know he's curious, he's been asking, like, we need to, and then we just don't have time. But um, I had to. I really did. I just I felt so impelled to do that because he's the perfect example. Yeah. Not saying that there's women in the banquet that aren't, or that I'm not a friend to them. But um, but different people speak to different people.

SPEAKER_00 34:23

Yeah, we've talked about the body, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 34:25

That's exactly why we have different people on and why there's two people that are the hosts of a podcast, yeah. Because someone might resonate with somebody we have on, or me or Tina, and then you share because this resonated with your friend, and the ripple effect that God does in people's lives is just extra mountable. Like you can't even fathom what he's doing, and we're just three people right now.

SPEAKER_01 34:45

Yeah, yeah, but three or more, yeah, you know, in Matthew. Um, but if anybody wants to know any information about the banquet, just reach out. We'll definitely get you some information and it's it'll change your life.

SPEAKER_00 34:57

So so since you brought it up, would you say because we we're kind of hopping all over the little DDD spider web, but we're building it. Um so you had talked about be, you know, when you were in prison, God called out to you, you you got out and you were praying, Lord, Lord, help me not want these things, right? And he and he did, he answered the call.

SPEAKER_01 35:20

Where does the banquet fit in that story? Um, well, I wasn't he didn't call my name in prison. He called my name when I was in Porter County. I moved in 2020 up here with an abusive ex. Um, pretty much crawled here uh to get sober. Um, I didn't get clean right away when I came here.

SPEAKER_00 35:36

You needed to get out of the environment you were in.

SPEAKER_01 35:39

Yeah. Okay. Uh-huh. So um, and um after like going to halfway houses here in Porter County, went to jail a few times, um, went to the domestic violence shelter uh for a little while, graduated there, moved into my own place. I don't know, I would say like what is it 2026? I celebrate two years, so two 2024-ish that year. Um, I relapsed. I was like a year and a half sober, um, but then I relapsed, and that was then. Like I started partially surrendering, and then I hung around with the wrong people, and then it really, really spoke to me because I I will do anything for someone, anything, because I want them to know that that's what Jesus does, and it that's just natural. It's not that it's hard, it just comes so naturally that like I said, with the boundaries. Now I know spiritual boundaries, the Lord t tells me, and he's built me to that. Um and it's okay to say no. Period. It's a complete sentence, but long story short, so and that's when I know. That's when I knew after I got high or relapsed, and I finally came down for the first time. I like fell to my knees and I sobbed because I was like, Lord, I went for something that was a sub something else other than you to help me in that moment. That moment I started, I think I started drinking little shooters, and then that if you're an addict and you understand, and it's a joke out there, it's it's funny, but it's not. It's like some people will drink and end up doing crack. I don't know why it's a joke, but it's not, it's like this this thing that people like make fun. They're like, oh man, I'll get so drunk that man, I shouldn't be getting drunk because you know it's like everything else, yes. It'll like tempt tempt you because you're so drunk and you want to wake up. It's just a thing, I don't know, but it's not a thing. So, um, um, but yeah, so that's what ended up happening, and so I ended up chasing it. I ended up drinking a couple of shooters, somebody came walked by, knocked on my door, and like, hey, da da da. Just either way, everything was just, yeah. And so I just I fell to my knees and sobbed. And the people around me did not know what the heck I was doing. They were like, What are you doing? You know, because they were in the wilderness, they didn't know no better. I was probably that first Bible they seen, you know what I mean?

SPEAKER_00 38:10

Yep.

SPEAKER_01 38:11

And I sobbed, and they were so amazed because I I gave them my needle, I gave them my bag, and that was never me. I always kept my stuff. I'm not gonna give you some free stuff that I just fought so hard to get. Yeah, but I said, here, I cannot. I re- I this this that only lasts for so long that I know it only lasts for so long. I chase it, I get high off of it. I love it, I loved it so much because it never failed. Whenever I shot up, it made me feel how I went to go feel. But I balled my eyes out, you guys, and I was like, I'm so sorry, Lord, that I re I relied on that. And and then the wilderness for those six, seven months, I'm telling you. And um, the Lord was more powerful, it didn't matter how high I got. I wasn't trying to get high to escape him, but it was like he kept chasing me. Yeah, and sometimes I would get a little frustrated because I know he's watching me, and when you're doing a drug that you think people are watching you, and then you tell yourself it's the Lord, you can't run from him. Yeah, you cannot. So, where are you gonna go? And he's so patient, he's so patient, and I would get frustrated and I would be like, Lord, come on, like let me get high a little bit longer, or why you gotta be watching me, or you know what I mean? Like, what are you doing, you know? But then I was just like, I'm telling you, I thought I lost everything, my cat, my apartment, the the memorable things of my parents that I still have that are my kids and stuff like that. And like my brother watches over my cat while I'm in jail, and he upgraded me. I'm telling you, when he called my name, I knew it was from him. I knew it. It wasn't like I'm coming down off of drugs or anything like that. It was so peaceful. Yeah, he it is time, you know. And I remember sitting up in my cell, I had earplugs in, and no one calls you by your first name. It's a county jail. If everyone's been to jail, you get called by your last name or your bunk number number. And my roommate was like, Girl, you tripping. Like, I was like, I heard it. And then when the phones turned on, I called my brother instantly. And he was like, I'm like, he called my name. And man, I'll tell you what, boy, he was so excited. He was like, I know that's right. Yeah, so it was just so cool. And ever since he called my name, I ran out of that grave. I'm telling you, man, I ran out of that grave and I'm not going back. There's I just don't have the desire. I really don't, and I'm so grateful for that because there are things that are very hurtful and sad and hard to get through because all those years that I was struggling and numbed myself, like after my daughter got adopted, I didn't even sign the papers. I booked it. I didn't I took I took off. And no one since then has ever heard has not heard from me because it was so hard to face. And I fell off the wagon bad. I was out there and and it's and it's sad and I feel bad about it, and I ask God for forgiveness, and He has forgave me. But I wonder if my daughter is sad. If she wonders if I just left her, and I know that feeling because my mom, but I do know that she will come find me, and um the Lord is strengthening me to be a better mom when she's old enough. Yeah, and yeah, I missed the younger years, and that's okay. The Lord was preparing me for my younger years, the Lord will restore the years lost.

SPEAKER_00 41:51

Yes, he will.

SPEAKER_01 41:52

So, and there's a lot of sadness on that, of course.

SPEAKER_00 41:55

Who wouldn't? I wouldn't be human, but so if you could, Sarah, what's the question you asked? Because that's what's running in my mind right now.

SPEAKER_02 42:02

If you could tell your tell yourself one thing that you know now from what you've gone through, what would it be if you could your younger self, your younger anything about your life, if you could tell yourself one thing that you know now. Oh somebody who's going through what you've gone through, or is going through um of like what you wish somebody would have told you of all the things you know now.

SPEAKER_01 42:29

Well, two words are coming to my head. Stop and pray. Stop what stop running. That's all I knew how to do was uh I could just run. Um and then stay. Stop and stay is what's like what was in my head and pray. Stay would have been the would have been harder in my my in my mind to stay and to fight. Um because in their minds, like my daughter's aunt and everything, they all in my head I'm thinking that they already think that I'm a failure. They already think that I can't take care of my daughter, they already think all these things, so I'm just gonna go along with it.

SPEAKER_02 43:14

You believe the truth, which is a lie. Right. So you did the thing that was truthful, quote unquote. Yeah, but it's all the lie. Yeah. And now you live in truth and know and turn, and it's a lie, and you live in truth from the Lord.

SPEAKER_01 43:28

And it's so cool that I do it so boldly now to the little things like standing up for myself and just protecting my boundaries of not having knowing anywhere I live. Um, if I don't feel like doing something, I say no. Or living boldly by coming to this podcast because I was gonna believe a lie that I wasn't good enough and no one was gonna understand my story, or it's just too much, or I don't want to have to live with the tears and all that stuff. This is me fighting back what I should have did instead. If that makes sense. Oh yeah. You know what I'm saying? Oh yeah. Like if I would have just been like, Okay, guys, I relapsed. Um, I know I was supposed to have full custody. Um, I know my drug tests are failing. You did a hair false test, and I try to weave that around all the lies. And today it's so crazy because the person I am today, the woman and mother I am today, wants me to it's so confidently in bold, because the Lord has prepared me and accept who I am and to believe it now, is that I want to go to that courthouse and speak to that judge, the same one, and be like, hey, I know I messed up in the past, but is there a way that we can move around this? Yeah. Is there any way that I just want to see her? What about a visit? What about a video visit? What about pictures? What about this and this and this? Yeah. Just in my head. So the Lord is waking up the beast. You know what I'm saying? Like the person that I was before, I'd be like, okay. She said she's not my kid, she's yours. No, that's my daughter. Yeah. Well, his daughter. But I'm his daughter. You know what I'm saying? Yes. Like, and I know that um I know that in the future, and I just can't wait for that time. Like, the Lord has already brought my son to me after five years not seeing each other. But we t me and him have a diff we talk to each other all the time.

SPEAKER_03 45:22

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 45:23

He always makes a way to call me and stuff like that. And his and they're with different types types of family. Does he talk to her? No, unfortunately not. Not yet. But not yet. Yeah. So his family is different. Uh his dad's side of the family is different than her dad's side of the family, if that makes sense. Yep. Um, so his upbringing is different, it's more encouraging towards me. Uh no one's gonna tell him otherwise, he won't believe it. And then her, you know, and that family that type of family.

SPEAKER_00 45:52

But well, and you know, you we talked about, you know, generations, 400 years, all the things. Yeah, ran in my family. See how it ran into me. Yeah, you have to think if you're changing generational patterns and curses with Christ, then what's this? So, what happened with you and your brother? Like your brother was praying for you and speaking life to you. Yeah, Jesus called out to you. Yeah, I I have to believe the same thing's gonna happen with those two siblings. Yeah, of course. I have to, yeah, because that's how God is, because he's such a good, gracious God, and he wants, he wants to draw us to himself, yeah. And himself is love, like yeah, and in a way and a praying mother, yeah, whether whether she's in your life right now or not, a praying mother will move mountains like that. Yeah, for sure.

SPEAKER_02 46:36

Yeah, and the fact that like you you had the decision, you didn't have to break the generational courses, you didn't have to turn to the Lord, you didn't have to run to the Lord, you could still continue to run from him. So with you and your brother and your family who will one day get to decide, or if they haven't already, you're a living, walking testimony of what Jesus can do, and your your kids will see that.

SPEAKER_01 47:00

Yeah, my they they my son are witnesses. Yes, exactly.

SPEAKER_02 47:03

And so they get to see what God does through people so close to them that they in God willing, they won't ever do what you you know what I'm saying? Like they've seen what it's done, and then they've seen what Jesus does in all of that and be like, wow, yeah. So the next generation after them, done. Like they won't even know what your children's about. Right. That's cool.

SPEAKER_01 47:28

I love that. I love that Jesus. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 47:30

Because I mean, forgive them for they know now what they do. Your mom and your dad, and everyone before that.

SPEAKER_01 47:35

They don't they that's what me and my brother always tell each other at the end of the day. Like, he had a piece of my my dad, he like he knew him and stuff like that. But then um I um but then I knew my mom a little bit more than he did because he took off, not really took off, but he left to uh, you know, escape it. You know, he's like, I can't do this anymore, you know? And so that was kind of hard. And um, but it made me who I am. I'm grateful to know that my mom was the nicest person, but I do know that she was lost. She was lost and it hurt. It was so sad to see now that I was not there to push her.

SPEAKER_02 48:12

But you couldn't.

SPEAKER_01 48:13

I know, I know, but it's just that's just how I feel. Yeah, it is on sometimes. But then, like, I know she's at peace finally because she was always just so like she was pretty much doing the same thing. She had seven kids. So that was, and then a few a couple of them, uh, one passed away, and uh two went to the state, you know what I mean?

SPEAKER_00 48:34

So it was just different, and um yeah, so we do the best with what we have.

SPEAKER_01 48:41

Yeah, that's what my brother keeps telling me about our mom is that they only knew they did what they only knew how they did what they only knew how.

SPEAKER_02 48:50

I say that I mean yeah, different circumstances, but I mean I feel the exact same way. Like, and God chose our parents, and I'll never know why. Yeah, okay, but it made me who I am and it made you who you are. Like, I I don't know why that's the family, and now you play those cards differently. Yeah, because you're not playing it the exact same way your parents did, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 49:08

And I don't want to change anything like drastically. I want to that's what another thing was is like always trying to see like how our dad was, um, stuff like that, is because of breaking generational curses is I want to live out what they did not to finish what they started, like the love and the care that my mom's heart was. Oh my gosh. But then when she was under addiction, you know, obviously that wasn't her, but the little tr uh traits, you know what I mean? The little you know, and then like our dad. Um he was real like he my brother's bodybuilt is like his, he would always tell me, and then um like the hobbies and stuff, you know? Yeah, you know, and then my brother would be like, Oh, that's what dad used to do, or something like that. And I'm like, really? You know, being so excited, yeah, instead of being like, Oh, you have dad's temper or something. I get that. It's totally not like that, it's more like if you ever wanted to know what dad's built was, it's me, you know, he say, or something.

SPEAKER_00 50:08

Yeah, so so I want to read, um, because I think as believers and even non-believers curious about the Lord, and I'm gonna read from one of my favorite scriptures in the entire Bible, like top five, I would say. It's Deuteronomy 29, 29. Is do you ladies know it at all? So it's the secret things belong to the Lord our God, but the things that are revealed belong to us and to our children forever, that we may do all the works of his law. And for me, when I hear that, it's we're not supposed to know everything. Yeah, we're not we're it if if we knew everything, we'd be God. Yeah. So even something that's so important or so pivotal in Sarah's life of I don't know why God gave me the parents he did. Like, I don't know why my biological father doesn't love me and want to spend time with me. Yeah, I don't know, but it's it's not for me to know. Yeah. And there's like this whole list of questions I want to start, and and they're in my mind, of course, but and and ask God when when I get to heaven, like, okay, now can you tell me why I had the parents I did? Or whatever your question is, like insert your question. But it's so beautiful that even something as intricate as that, he's given us an answer to it. Yeah, it gives you a peace review.

SPEAKER_01 51:27

It gives you that um for me, it gives me peace, peace. It gives you like um justice in kind of a way, like an answer, something that will let you put it away and move on to the next thing. You know what I mean? Kind of thing. Because me, I'll overthink. I will overthink if I can't come up with something that it's just so cool how the answers are there, and the scripture will be different for a different situation, even though it's the same scripture.

SPEAKER_02 51:53

You know what I'm saying? I do like exactly that. That's why it's living and breathing, and it's the instruction before leaving Earth that nothing comes back void. His word is true. Yes, and um, yeah, you can read this 700,000 times and read it another time, and you're gonna be like, wow, I never saw it in that lens before.

SPEAKER_00 52:10

And the more you read it, the more you realize you know nothing.

SPEAKER_02 52:13

Okay, but it's a love story. Every, every part of this from beginning to end, all 66 books, is a love story, a love letter between God and his people. Yeah, over and over, saving and giving grace and extending the forgiveness. And yeah, that's why Jesus came. And I'm so grateful that he called your name. I know he called us all, but the audible of like he called you out and he picked you up and turned you around.

SPEAKER_01 52:38

And whoo, how can I not? Yeah, you know what I mean? How can I not like thank you, Jesus?

SPEAKER_00 52:45

Yes, thank you, Lord. Thank you for sharing your story, thank you for sharing God's story. And as we as we send this out as God allows, we just pray that this pierces the hearts of not just the lost or scared, but the people who have been fervently walking with the Lord. Yeah, and just that's their parts are softened. The right the reminder. Soften to there, like there were two sons in the prodigal son story. The one who came back knowing that like he had completely surrendered to the Lord, his father, and the one who had always been there and was expecting the treatment, expectation. And so it's like, yeah, this is for both of those people. Yeah. And it's God is just He's so good.

SPEAKER_01 53:30

So thank you so much for watching. Yes. Thank you guys for having me. It's nice to meet you.

SPEAKER_02 53:33

Yes, thank you so much, Sam. And until next fearless Friday. Bye.