99: Life Transitions: Personal Empowerment and Growth, with Glenn Cohen

Have you ever wondered how you can redefine resilience in your life?

Join us for the first episode in our new series: Life Transitions: Building Resilience in Change. We talk with Glenn Cohen, a master neurological life coach, to shatter the common misconception of resilience as just an emotion. Instead, he reveals that resilience as a fundamental human right, accessible to everyone. He explains how early life experiences shape our resilience and how confronting discomfort can transform self-beliefs.

Resilience isn't a one-dimensional concept; it's a complex tapestry woven from our choices and experiences. By understanding these forces, we learn how the prefrontal cortex plays a crucial role in decision-making during adversity. This journey through resilience highlights the importance of choice and self-discovery, leading us toward healing, purpose, and growth.

Transitioning in life requires a balance between introspection and action. We unravel the challenges faced by those who may not naturally lean into introspection and discuss strategies to embrace mindfulness and break habitual cycles.

Glenn S. Cohen is a Master Neurological Life Coach and the founder of the Center for Neurological Intelligence. Clients celebrate him as “a guardian angel for empowering relationships!” Glenn guides thousands of couples and individuals to heal unresolved neurological wounding and establish deep meaningful connections. He passionately shares his knowledge and modality of neurological intelligence with the world. He lives and practices in South Carolina, and you may find him at www.centerforni.com, on LinkedIn, or on Instagram.

Go to https://betterhelp.com/resilience or click Notes on Resilience during sign up for 10% off your first month of therapy with my sponsor BetterHelp.

Chapters

• 1:14 Resilience and Life Transitions
• 9:36 Cultivating Resilience in Society
• 21:25 Empowerment Through Life Transitions
• 25:24 Building Resilient Organizational Environments

Transcript

Glenn Cohen: 1:15

No one thing fits all, so it depends on the context. But somebody showing up, honoring themselves and holding themselves to a higher standard has much greater influence on the system. That goes without assigning any agendas, expectations and obligations for anything in return.

Manya Chylinski: 1:43

Hello and welcome to Notes on Resilience. I'm your host, manya Chylinski. My guest today is Glenn Cohen for our new series on the psychology of life transitions. Glenn is a master neurological life coach and the founder of the Center for Neurological Intelligence. We talked about what resilience is and what it isn't. We talked about the role of systems and our organizations in supporting our resiliency and what our responsibility is as individuals to our own resilience. I think you're really going to enjoy this episode, glenn. I'm so excited to be talking to you today. Thanks for being available.

Glenn Cohen: 2:29

Oh, thank you for inviting me, Manya. I'm so grateful to be here.

Manya Chylinski: 2:33

The first question I start with for everyone if you could have dinner with any historical figure, who would it be and why?

Glenn Cohen: 2:42

Oh gosh, you know there's so many people that have to be an awfully big table. I'd have to go all the way back to Aristotle. Okay, marcus Aurelius, george Washington would be phenomenal. Abe Lincoln, just the people in history whose fingerprint had such a dynamic imprint on the world and who showed immense resilience in the face of the challenges they faced at that time. Resilience came through by them, no matter what the external factors were. They stayed with the belief they could achieve whatever it is they were going for and would not come off of that.

Manya Chylinski: 3:22

Well, if I could make this happen, I would make the biggest table possible so that you could walk around and talk with all of these people. I agree, all of those people that you just listed. I would love to have dinner with them as well. So, glenn, just to get started, as we are talking about transitions and building resilience and change, how do you find or how do you define resilience?

Glenn Cohen: 3:46

Great question From my perspective, from the world of neurological intelligence and I, I define resilience as two things. So when I start coaching with clients, I always begin with education. Most people have no idea about neurological intelligence and how their amazing human system works, and when you break everything down to the base, it's just two things information and energy. That toward resilience. The information part is the language of the belief that you hold as being true I can do this. Or you have a belief that says I cannot do this. So we first start with the belief, the language of that. Now we add the energy. So how much energy are you allowing yourself to associate with I can do this, I will do this? And those two combined with a belief in self tied to what is your purpose and if it's tied to a purpose, you might as well put it on jet fuel. Right, and that's the mind that you know. You just have an attitude, you just never give up. That would be my answer, the long-winded answer.

Manya Chylinski: 4:58

That's a great answer, and let me ask a follow-up question, which is what if someone doesn't feel resilient? Where do they fall on the spectrum? Because I know there are certainly times when I have not felt resilient. Looking back, I realize I was, but not everybody is resilient, or am I getting that wrong?

Glenn Cohen: 5:24

I don't like to use the term wrong or right, because that's judgmental, okay, and so what I would like to do is offer an alternative for the language you just used, please. Resiliency is not a feeling. Resiliency is a concept. Am I resilient? That's a concept, so it's a language pattern, right? It's not an emotion like anger, sadness, fear, shame, guilt, hurt or joy. Love, yeah. So does anybody have access to their own resiliency? Absolutely, that is your human right. Now, the challenge I believe most people face is how their system has been programmed from the time they're in the womb of the third trimester and you start receiving and building implicit memory throughout their childhood, adolescence. Do they learn the pattern of resiliency? Is it modeled for them? Do they have a reference? If you've never experienced it, how would you know it? Even though it exists within you, you've never had a reference for it. So I believe if you have a reference, it might be a little bit easier to access, but if you don't, then you're really gifted by going through your hero's journey to find it.

Manya Chylinski: 6:45

Then it's yours. I like the concept of the hero's journey for, because that's what that story is it is a story of resilience, however it's told and whoever the characters are. Thank you for that. What do you think are the key components of building resilience or accessing resilience in the face of a big life transition?

Glenn Cohen: 7:08

I think it's within the transition that you have the opportunity to develop resilience. So what I like to tell my clients is the greatest growth comes when you do something that's really uncomfortable and you prove to yourself that you can do something that you believed you couldn't do before. That's what they say. So you've changed the belief of yourself and what you can and cannot do. That then creates way more flexibility in the way you view things. As a late Wayne Dyer would say, when you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change, and that's resiliency. When you have the mindfulness to make a new choice, that's resiliency.

Manya Chylinski: 7:54

I will tell you that the concept of resiliency was something I never thought about before having something very difficult happen to me being at the finish line of the Boston Marathon bombing and I remember hearing people talk about resiliency and thinking who are these amazing people who have this thing called resiliency because I don't have it, people who have this thing called resiliency because I don't have it? And now I think about it, as you might imagine, quite often, in terms of myself and my reactions, but in terms of looking at others too, to see the incredible resiliency that we all have. And I guess, I guess what I'm wanting to get at is you know, we have resiliency, even if we don't think that we do and even if we don't know that's what we're accessing in the moment.

Glenn Cohen: 8:44

I totally agree. I think everybody has the innate ability to have resiliency. Is it model form or have they gone through a challenge and proved to themselves that they can be resilient to get to the other side? And now they own it and they know it? You know everybody goes through their challenges at different points in their lives, right? So it's like, okay, you might have had lucky charm for many, many, many years. Who needs resiliency? Right? Until that moment when you know a challenge comes and it forces you to go inward to find that innate aspect of self.

Manya Chylinski: 9:22

Yes, Thank you for that, and I think I guess it's not something we need to actively be thinking about. Am I resilient? We don't have to also be thinking do I have emotions? It just is part of who we are. But I want to get back. So you said isn't an emotion, and I feel like I've heard so many different definitions of resilience. Why is it something that feels hard to pin down?

Glenn Cohen: 9:49

Because there's so many opinions about any topic. Number one. So, just purely coming from the world of neurological intelligence, in the way I view and teach and work with people, I'd like to keep things really simple and we're just two things energy, information. We are language, we are emotions. All emotion is evoked by meaning. How you make sense of something will dictate the energy that's derived from that process.

Glenn Cohen: 10:21

So resiliency, if I say to myself, when I went through my dark period of 98 to 2003 that led to me going on this journey, there was so much resiliency. I have no idea where it came from, I just know I had it and I was not going to give up until I got and figure out why I went through what I went through. And then, once I understood my purpose, it went on jet fuel to do everything I did to get to where I am talking to you today. It was the purpose, it was the meaning I assigned to it that generated the emotion of what is. When you break the word emotion, it's energy, emotion, so that energy to flow through me that just drove me to do what I've done and so many other people who have these challenges and wake up with this newfound purpose and they are just so. Inspired. That's resiliency.

Manya Chylinski: 11:12

I can see what you're talking about when you say finding meaning and then that giving you the energy kind of being the jet fuel. That is my own journey realizing there's something bigger that for me, something bigger than me, that I want to be focused on, and how it has enabled me to do things I never would have thought I would be doing, including hosting a podcast, talking to people I've just met. So we've talked a little bit about what resiliency means on a personal level, but if we're thinking, we all live within a society, we are involved in organizations, we've got systems all around us. How do those impact someone's ability to be resilient and to navigate transitions?

Glenn Cohen: 11:57

I go back to the same thing. It depends on the meaning they assign to it. Everybody has a chance for choice. It is a God-given right. We are the only species on this planet that has a prefrontal cortex, which gives us our chance for choice. There's a reason that we are the only species on this planet with this bulge over our forehead that's called the prefrontal cortex. That is our executive functioning center. It gives us choice. We choose to be resilient, but usually the resiliency comes from a challenge.

Glenn Cohen: 12:27

Question is I don't know if you ever saw that wonderful documentary called Finding Joe. It is the documentary that many people got together and created after Joseph Campbell passed away. And it's a wonderful documentary and it uses these little kids in there, makes it very whimsical and lighthearted in nature. And you see this little boy walking down railroad tracks and he comes up on one of these old telephone booths you'd find on the corners in New York, with you know, and the phone is ringing. Oh no, the metaphor is when the universe challenges you, do you answer the call or not? To answer the call sets the stage for you to continue to develop resiliency and to create a belief in self by combating your three opponents the inner opponent, the intimate opponent and the external opponent, and it's through those challenges and trials and tribulations that we cultivate resiliency. So whatever in the external world is always an opportunity for healing and growth.

Manya Chylinski: 13:36

Okay, so in your model, the systems in our organization, those are the external opponent, as we're? Absolutely yes, can you share a little bit about that model?

Glenn Cohen: 13:47

the three opponents yeah, that comes directly from Joseph Campbell's work. He calls the three opponents. You have the inner opponent. You've heard the term internal conflict, right? Well, the only way you can have internal conflict is to have multiple voices in outside of us, right? So in my world we all have multiple personalities. It is a natural human experience, right, and I model some of that off of Richard Schwartz's IFS work where I call them pods personalities of offensive and defensive strategies we create to guard and protect a vulnerable, younger aspect of self. Okay, so when we have these other internal conflicts, part of our journey is to bring it back to wholeness, so we reclaim our natural, innate self. So throughout life, you know, we have these metaphorical fracturing of the nervous system that you know everybody goes. Well, I just don't feel like myself. Or, you know, I feel like I'm missing something. But my journey for myself and what I've done in my lifetime is create a process to bring that back together. So that's the inner opponent.

Glenn Cohen: 14:55

The intimate opponent is based off of Harville Hendricks' work and Carl Jung's work of the imago. So I call it the imago attachment complex. Where we go searching for a mate. We do so on two levels. The conscious mind is looking for all the wonderful qualities, but the unconscious mind, which is 90 to 95% of everything we do, is looking for someone who has uniquely similar traits, states and patterns of a composite of the people who neurologically wounded us the most in childhood and adolescence. We need that person to trigger the unresolvedness and, as Carl Jung says, we have to bring the unconscious conscious in order to work with it. So the imago partner triggers, that, brings it up, and now it's up to that person which way their finger points Do they blame or they point it back at themselves and do the work to heal. So that's where the intimate opponent comes from.

Manya Chylinski: 15:52

Yes.

Glenn Cohen: 15:53

The external is the unique thing.

Manya Chylinski: 15:55

So, as you were talking about especially the external, I was thinking of the parable of the man who falls into the hole and asks God, please help me. And somebody comes by with a ladder and the man in the hole says no, no, I'm good, god's going please help me. And somebody comes by with a ladder and the man in the hole says, no, no, I'm good, god's going to help me. And then somebody comes by with a rope and it's like, nope, I'm good. And then dies because he didn't actually accept the help that was sent.

Manya Chylinski: 16:21

And I think about that in terms of resiliency, which is know, I think a lot about the system and how it impacts us and can be a real challenge sometimes to our trying to grow, but also we have a responsibility to take care of ourselves in that system. So I recently described somebody to a friend as the man with the ladder who came to help me. So, as we're thinking about external forces, we're thinking about the organizations that we're part of, we're thinking about society. How can we foster a culture of resilience and support for people who are dealing with life transitions through our organizations? How can we be the person who sends the guy with the ladder? I guess?

Glenn Cohen: 17:08

It would depend on the context of the situation. If it's a family member, sibling, a cousin, is it a friend? Is it in a professional realm? Is it in a governmental realm? Each one, every situation is evaluated its own merit. So it's no one thing fits all. So it depends on the context. But somebody showing up, honoring themselves and holding themselves to a higher standard has much greater influence on the system. That goes without assigning any agendas, expectations, obligations for anything in return. So when you could show up as your best self, as best you can, because we're all imperfect, that unconscious influence will have the greatest impact on whatever societal structure that you're in, to the degree that's possible, depending on how far out it is.

Manya Chylinski: 18:05

Oh, I like that, I like that. So one does not have to be an official advocate and be making phone calls to try to make change in order to really make change, just being authentically resilient and interacting with our systems.

Glenn Cohen: 18:21

Depending on the values that you display. So I have an acronym because I'm an acronym junkie the highest level of showing up. I call it H-A-V-O-R. H-a-v-o-r being honest, authentic, vulnerable, open and real. When you show up that way, 93% of how people make sense of us is nonverbal, not words. And so much of that nonverbal I believe this is my postulation is mirror neuron picking up vibrational energy. So when we show up in that standard, people might not cognitively be aware of it, but unconsciously they're picking up on it. That's where we have influence. When you go back and you study, like Dale Carnegie's book from the 1930s, how to Win Friends and Influence People, it's all about the unconscious mind. It really is. He was way ahead of his time. He was.

Manya Chylinski: 19:21

I like that you brought in the mirror neurons. I like that about us as humans, that connection we make with each other, even when we don't know we're doing it.

Glenn Cohen: 19:31

In my mind it's the mirror neurons picking up and somebody's really resilient and they have this amazing resilient energy. It's going to spread. Right Now people can not accept it. That's their choice, but in general, that's your greatest opportunity for influence.

Manya Chylinski: 19:53

Thank you for that. So, as we're thinking we're getting close to the end here and as we're thinking about life transitions and the psychology of these transitions, what are some common barriers that people face? And I know that there is many different kinds of transitions, as probably there are people. So, I know it's going to be hard to say one thing, but what are some barriers that people face when we're thinking about resiliency and facing these big changes that we all experience?

Glenn Cohen: 20:16

I would say, if I put it all into one big bucket, an anchor of awareness would be what's the locus of your focus?

Glenn Cohen: 20:23

Now, to explain that, we use the metaphor of a lighthouse. So if I'm in a life transition and I'm looking toward where that transition is heading to and I point my light, which is the locus of the focus, and the particle beams inside, the light is the language I'm using to narrate the story to myself of where that I believe that transition is heading me. And if I'm pointing south into a storm, I'm going to attract in that which matches it. It's not going to serve me, it's going to cause me to suffer. So I'm not going to have a very empowered transition. I am mindful of how my inner world works and I work hard to make sure my language matches what I want versus what I don't want. I focus on getting my needs and connections and significance met within self and I really focus on creating an internal narrative that matches what I do want. I believe the transition will A be quicker, smoother and more empowered, which is what we can hope for.

Manya Chylinski: 21:26

Now, as you're talking, I'm thinking to myself. I am someone who is very introspective. I spend a lot of times thinking about things and how to say things and how to communicate things and what do they mean. Not everyone lives in their head the way that I do, so everything you're saying to me makes sense, as I'm going through a transition to kind of maybe be thinking about some of these things, but I don't think everyone approaches the world the same way. What if someone isn't as introspective? Is a transition going to be harder for them, or do we need to bring them over to the side where they're spending a lot of time thinking that meta level?

Glenn Cohen: 22:03

Actually, I don't want them thinking too much it's overrated. I want them being much. It's overrated, I want them being not doing. There's a beingness to it. Now you, you can decide on your strategy. Then, once you decide on the strategy, just apply it moment to moment, moment to moment, moment to moment. There's not much thinking to it. I keep it really simple, and the more simplistic the better off it is.

Manya Chylinski: 22:26

Yes.

Glenn Cohen: 22:27

So it's really. I have a sign. I have two rooms at my office, and the first room and the second and second is my meeting room. I have a sign that says please leave your brain at the door. So that should tell you everything you need to know about me.

Manya Chylinski: 22:41

I think I need a sign like that.

Glenn Cohen: 22:43

Well, if you look at the unconscious mom, which is, you know, 90, 95% of everything, there is no analyzing, logicalizing, rationalizing, downstairs, none. So when we go upstairs and play that game, it's really mostly these pods that have various voices that we go up there and play tiddlywinks with and we waste a bunch of time playing some chess match that never can win right. We get lost in the corn maze.

Manya Chylinski: 23:06

Lost in the corn maze. I think that is the quote from the podcast episode. I love it Just because, personally, I so often get lost in the corn maze, and now I'm thinking about it differently.

Glenn Cohen: 23:19

Well, it's a pattern. When people go through intense challenges, it is innate for the human system to go into hypervigilance to manage and control their environment, which is fine in that moment. But when it gets baked into the cake and we continue doing it for the next three months, six months, one year, five years, 10 years, 20 years, it's not serving you anymore. It's an automatic autopilot program in your unconscious mind. Because you had such intensity of energy, you fired off a bazillion neural tracks and now you're on autopilot. And that's where you become mindful. Okay, your body. If you, if you pay attention to the body, it'll let you know when you start running that program and then, with mindfulness and strategy, you recognize that stimulus, increase that gap of time, make new choices over and over, over again, until you reprogram. I'll get right on that.

Manya Chylinski: 24:15

So, Glenn, we are at the end of our time, but for a final question is there anything I didn't ask you that you wished I had asked you about the psychology of life transitions, and what and how would you answer it?

Glenn Cohen: 24:29

Oh gosh, I think you asked some phenomenally great questions. The only thing I would probably add, or maybe just re-emphasize, is never give your power away for your chance for choice. Your choice of how you assign meaning and make sense to the present moment is always, always, always your choice. Your choice of how you assign meaning and make sense to the present moment is always, always, always your choice, and it's either one or two directions empowered or disempowered. That's it. So many people get into a pattern of giving their power away. With disempowerment, they put themselves in a victim role to whatever, whomever, and they can stay stuck there. And if you believe you're a victim, then you really don't believe you have a chance for choice, which means you'll never get resilience. In order to have resilience, you have to believe you have a chance for choice and live from an empowered place in order to build and nurture the sense of resiliency.

Manya Chylinski: 25:21

That is a great thought for us to end on, Glenn. Thank you so much. This has been such an enlightening conversation. I'm so glad we got a chance to talk.

Glenn Cohen: 25:30

Me too. Thank you so much for inviting me.

Manya Chylinski: 25:33

Thank you for listening. I hope you got as much out of this conversation as I did. So if you'd like to learn more about me, manya Chylinski, I work with organizations to help understand how to create environments where people can thrive after difficult life experiences, and I do this through talks and consulting. I'm a survivor of mass violence and I use my experience to help leaders learn about resiliency, compassion and trauma. Sensitive leadership to build strategies to enable teams to thrive and be engaged amidst difficulty and turmoil. If this is something you want to learn more about, visit my website, www. manyachylinski. com, or email me at manya at manyachylinski. com, or stop by my social media on LinkedIn . Thanks so much.