112: Overcoming Self-Sabotage, with Phil Agrios

What happens when a 30-year journey uncovers a hidden self-sabotaging trait that affects every facet of our lives? 

Join us for an eye-opening conversation with Phil Agrios, a seasoned expert who not only discovered this elusive trait but also developed a method to tackle it head-on. Phil shares his personal transformation and the unexpected path that led him to help thousands overcome barriers to professional success and personal well-being. 

We explore the impact of fear and self-doubt on our decisions and how these emotions tie into resilience and compassion. Phil offers insights into fostering a workplace culture that prioritizes empathy and employee well-being, arguing that this approach ultimately benefits both individuals and organizations. This episode is a call to action for leaders to integrate compassion, communication, and continuous learning into their strategies for sustaining successful professional relationships.

With over 30 years of research and working with thousands of individuals, Dr. Philip Agrios has uncovered a hidden self-sabotaging mechanism, which he named the Inborn Sabotaging Trait, that silently derails both professional success and personal well-being. Drawing from his own struggles with debilitating health issues, financial ruin, and personal loss, Dr. Agrios developed an unparalleled method that not only helps businesses thrive but also restores relationships, improves health, and creates lasting happiness.

Connect with Phil on LinkedIn. Or learn more about his work on his website TNOWmethod.com or for business owners, executives, and sales professionals looking for one-on-one support, TNOWmasterclass.com.

Go to https://betterhelp.com/resilience or click Notes on Resilience during sign up for 10% off your first month of therapy with my sponsor BetterHelp.

Chapters

• 0:00 Leadership Development and Workplace Compassion
• 12:32 Detaching and Moving Forward
• 17:47 Unlocking Success

Transcript

Phil Agrios: 1:14

You know, it's simple. It's not easy, right, it's simple, it's. What's the story am I telling? Who am I thinking I'm going to be letting down? What were the expectations? All these different things go through your head compared to especially if you're in business this and this, and for you to do this, this and this, and then if this doesn't work, then we have to part ways. If you don't have that in the beginning, then you need to sit down and have a conversation.

Manya Chylinski: 1:52

Hello and welcome to Notes on Resilience. I'm your host, manya Chylinski. My guest today is Phil Agrios. He has spent over 30 years of research and working with thousands of individuals and uncovered a hidden self-sabotaging trait that we have that derails professional success and personal well-being. He has developed a method to work around that. I think you're really going to enjoy learning about what he does and how this relates to our workplaces and our professional lives. You're really going to enjoy this conversation. Bill, I'm so glad I could get you on the podcast today. Thanks for being here.

Phil Agrios: 2:36

I'm so honored to be here. Thank you so much. Get you on the podcast today.

Manya Chylinski: 2:39

Thanks for being here. I'm so honored to be here. Thank you so much. Before we dive into the topic, I would like to know what is one thing you have done that you never thought you'd do in any kind of area of your life.

Phil Agrios: 2:52

I would have never thought I would write a book, be on podcasts and take what I discovered 30 years ago and help thousands of people who never even thought of it.

Manya Chylinski: 3:07

Okay, how does it feel to realize this wasn't even something you had on your radar screen? And now look at what you've done.

Phil Agrios: 3:15

Yeah, it's really cool you've done. Yeah, it's really cool and it's just letting the universe, or God or your higher power or whatever you want to call it to guide you into where you need to be and not to resist it and find the benefit out of the good things. The bad things, the just is things, because that's all it is. There's no good or bad, it's just is right. So if you just have enough trust within yourself and the trust in your higher power that you'll lead where you are, then a lot of your problems that you come about or the challenges won't come, or when they do come, they're there to evolve you.

Manya Chylinski: 3:57

You said a word I just talked about with another podcast guest, which is resist, and it can be difficult to know when to accept this change, or maybe not when to accept it, but how to accept it.

Phil Agrios: 4:20

Yeah, remember, whether you're in resistance, you're stressed, you are worrying or anything other than just being in the flow, just protecting yourself. That's it. There's nothing wrong with you, you're not an idiot or a loser all the other hundred words we say to ourselves, you're just protecting yourself. And when you can figure out that protecting myself because of this is truly something to worry about and to deal with that immediately? Or is this just a story that I'm telling myself based on previous situations that say things happened to you in the past, maybe different people are now in your present, but the situation is the same and you feel that you are in danger where you really aren't and you can kind of deal with it in a different way because you're not the same person that you were previously. You're a different person based on the experiences and the teachings and the coaching or whatever you've gone through, and what people do is they base their decisions on who they used to be, not on who they are.

Manya Chylinski: 5:35

I hear you. This resonates with me. This is work that you know I am also doing to investigate what is it that I'm afraid of and what is it that's blocking me from making decisions? We talk about fear and we talk about that part of us that's holding us back. How can we tie that into the topic that I think about a lot, which is resilience and compassion, both on a personal level and an organizational level? Why does it matter if I am holding myself back in terms of an organizational relationship that I might have?

Phil Agrios: 6:15

In that situation, in that particular environment. Many times you have to, or you think you have to, display yourself in one way right, depending on the organization Is the organization very loose and they're having fun? Or other ones are very strict in their being and everybody has to be ultra professional. You know, when people have that ultra professionalism or they're very strict, there is no compassion, there is just getting to the bottom line and kind of forgetting people are people instead of just being type of a robot or a non-human, that they're only there and being paid for something. Get it done, and I don't care how you feel. I understand this because I know people in the corporate world and it's like that. It's deadlines that is just very, almost impossible to meet, but you're expected to do that, no matter how many hours you're working and how tired you are or how sick you are. Show up, get it done or we'll replace you.

Manya Chylinski: 7:19

Right, I actually spoke to someone who said almost the exact same words that the head of the company doesn't care. It's all about productivity. You could be a robot. They can't hire robots. So he hires people, but there's no level of compassion, and I find that curious that I would imagine that these people that we're talking about have some compassion in their lives for somebody in their life, yet there's that block that lets them express it.

Phil Agrios: 7:54

Yeah, I mean it all depends. I would like to know the stats on the organization or the board that has no compassion. What the employees? Then the bottom line, and I never believed that. So when I had my practice it was always employees first, because if you don't put your employees first, they're not going to take care of your customers, which will then take care, will not take care of your bottom line. So I was always an advocate and I still am with my clients is putting some type of pay where, as the business grows, that the employees get some compensation, because you know, especially if you're a solopreneur or you know a business owner that has a few employees or whatever, I mean they're working their butts off and then all of a sudden you're getting richer and they're seeing you getting a new car and all that and they're just getting the same pay. What does that do I mean?

Phil Agrios: 9:04

I remember when I was on disability I lost my practice because I had to shut it down. I was on disability and I sold my practice and I had to work for this company in the beginning just to bring people over and making sure they were comfortable my old patients and during that time I was able to get out of my disability and go back working and I remember I was getting a percentage and then going through my divorce and so many other things, I had to make sure that I had a particular amount and I went on salary and, being the entrepreneur that I was and the go-getter, I found over a few months that I started to become complacent. I was like this is so interesting. I've heard about this. It couldn't happen to me and it was, and I asked to be put back on a percentage so I can make more. But also it enabled me to push and make and, uh, make a bigger impact instead of being on a just a base salary.

Manya Chylinski: 10:04

Cause you felt a connection to the, to the mission and to the job that you were doing.

Phil Agrios: 10:11

Yeah, I mean, you know whether I showed up or not. I still got paid the same amount, right, so, but as you? But as you push harder and you increase your value, then you should have an increase in your pay, right, or different benefits or things like that. Maybe another week on vacation, because a lot of times people are not looking for more pay, they're looking for other things, maybe more time off and things like that, right. But as the business grows, the employees should increase, and if the business drops and it's from the employees that should drop as well. And it's really cool. You'll see that employees will get on other employees that are not doing the work, or they'll go. See that employees will get on other employees that are not doing the work, or they'll go hey, you got to fire this one over here. They're not pulling their weight. So now they're coming to you and telling them to get rid of somebody and they're checking it out because now it's affecting their bottom line.

Manya Chylinski: 11:09

Right, that's so interesting. You know, what do you think we are missing in leadership development, where we're not helping executives understand their own motivations and their own management style and their own blocks, etc.

Phil Agrios: 11:30

I think the only thing that's missing is the leader taking courses to become a leader serving, not a leader. That is micromanaging. One of the things that I teach is that hire self-managing people and then measure them. Never manage anyone Measure them. It's managing by statistics, where now you're saying these are your KPIs, this is your SOP, this is what we're expecting of you, and then if they don't perform, it's not like you know, it doesn't seem like you've been doing good this year. No, you haven't reached this. What are you going to do to do it? And if they don't, two things are happening. Number one they're just incapable, and they're not really not incapable, what I should say. They're not for that job, right. So letting them go gives them an opportunity to go to some place that they're better with, or they're just not pushing themselves and they need guidance, or whatever the case may be.

Phil Agrios: 12:33

I have a client who she was having this salesperson that wasn't doing well. So as we were talking and she understood his sequence, the personality sequence that I discovered, I said two things are going to happen. You got to do this, this and this. If this doesn't work, then he's not working it. Or two, this is not right for him and when she did it, she realized he wasn't right. So she let him go and brought somebody in who was like three times as good as he and their stats went up.

Phil Agrios: 13:11

When I was in practice, I had a hard time firing people and I hired a management company when I first started to figure this out, instead of trying to figure it out on my own, and they said you know, how is this front desk receptionist? How is it affecting your patients? I said it's not good. How's it affecting you? Not good. How's it affecting her? I guess not good either. He says what you're doing is, when you are able to fire her, let her go. You're giving her an opportunity to find something that works best for her. She's not leaving because of the fear of not having the motivation to move forward, so you're not doing a detriment to her. You're actually creating a benefit for everybody. You're benefiting your patients, who are not feeling that this is a right person for your culture. Number two you're having stress because they're not doing the thing that they're doing, but now you're giving them an opportunity by you letting them go in order for them to find what works best for them and make them happier.

Manya Chylinski: 14:22

And then from there I never had a problem firing anybody. Wow, Not how I've ever thought about firing someone or letting someone go.

Phil Agrios: 14:28

I think it's a relationship right. Firing a boyfriend or girlfriend or whatever is the same thing Giving them the opportunity to find somebody that wants to deal with who they are not that they're bad or not. But it's time to move on because you gained whatever you gained on a spiritual or physical or mental level from that person and when you have all that resistance, it's time to disconnect and move forward, because you've changed, they've changed and now it's finding new experiences and thought that it's good or bad, it's just how it is.

Manya Chylinski: 15:02

Right. That can be really hard in certainly in personal relationships and in business relationships to, I guess, detach and to think this isn't the right opportunity for me, this isn't the right opportunity for them. I think it can be very hard for us to make those breaks, even when we know that they are moving us in the right direction.

Phil Agrios: 15:25

Oh, I didn't say it was hard, I said it was easy. You know it's simple. It's not easy, right? It's simple, it's. What's the story am I telling? Who am I thinking I'm going to be letting down? What were the expectations?

Phil Agrios: 15:38

All these different things go through your head compared to, especially if you're in business. This is what's expected of you. This is what's expected of me for me to support you in this, this and this, and for you to do this, this and this, and then, if this doesn't work, then we have to part ways. If you don't have that in the beginning, then you need to sit down and have a conversation and renegotiate your contract with that employee, or the employee renegotiating the contract with their employer going. You told me this was going to happen. It's not happening. I'd like to revisit this or whatever the case may be, but if you're in that kind of culture where they don't care, then you have to make that decision of leaving. I mean, I have it with my own wife.

Phil Agrios: 16:24

She is a particular sequence that we found that kind of reserved and she wasn't expressing her brilliance. And as she started doing that, she realized that there was more opportunities than other people. She left her job and she would have never, after like nine years being there. But she left it and went to another company and it was a higher level for her but the company it was not what she thought it was and she left and had another company and she kept on going until she found the right culture, dealing with corporate right Right culture, and she's making more money than she's ever had and she's at a position where she's never been, because she started to express herself and starting to respect who she was and the value that she brought.

Phil Agrios: 17:12

So it's, you know, if you can't move up on that company, people just stay and are miserable because they're too fearful of just detaching and going someplace else and trying something new, because where they're at is what they are used to. That's the known compared to the unknown right. So it's usually what happens and people are just now miserable with their lives because of based on a fear that is more painful to move than stay where they're at.

Manya Chylinski: 17:43

That is a very strong fear. I think we've all kind of experienced that. I want to get back to your earlier. We're talking about managing versus measuring and I find that a really intriguing idea and I think we are in a world where people feel they need to manage versus kind of letting people, as you're saying, do the job and show that they can do the job and ask for help and guidance if they need it, and if it turns out this isn't a good fit, then find another opportunity. It's all kind of swirled together with that fear for the individual, fear for the manager. I'm so curious about measuring, not managing. That doesn't feel like what most companies are doing.

Phil Agrios: 18:34

No, they're micromanaging and doing this or doing that, or you have this goal, but did they not give you to help you that way? Or did they shift or did they? Something happened and now they're blaming you, which you had nothing to do with. It was the company. So you have to make sure that you're. The way you measure somebody is based on what they're doing, not what the company did. And they couldn't do it because your own other staff or your other people couldn't get that done.

Manya Chylinski: 19:04

And, as you were saying that, the word that popped into my mind was trust, that the relationship has to be built on trust. And a quick story, which is I was in a corporate role. I was told here are the things you need to do to get promoted. I did all of them and I was not promoted. I met all of the metrics. I went above the metrics in some and one of the things I was told was well, we gave you this metric and you met it. You didn't exceed it. I've heard that before. Then my goal should have been whatever the exceeding was. Because I was working towards these goals and I lost trust in that manager and in that company. I felt I'm not being respected.

Phil Agrios: 19:54

Here's some stories I've heard from sales professionals. They've exceeded, like blown out the top part of it and their compensation was dropped because they were too good.

Manya Chylinski: 20:06

Oh, that's a recipe for building trust.

Phil Agrios: 20:08

Sure, when I first heard that, I'm like, wait a minute, you're telling me you made them more money, but because you made them more money they didn't want to pay you more, yeah, I'm like. I was like, well, maybe it was just that person that I heard a couple of times from other couple of clients who were sales professionals, I was like that makes no sense to me at all. So, but I proved myself that I can kill it. Let me go find a company that will respect and value who I am, me. Go find a company that will respect and value who I am. Or do I create my own company and start my own business, which has helped, has happened many, many a time.

Phil Agrios: 20:44

You know we've had clients who were in career that we helped bring over to start their own business and to help eradicate the fear of them moving over in that end of it, or moving a client to a higher position, leaving their company and going to someplace else. Based on that story, they were telling themselves whether it was their mom, their dad, their siblings, that you're not good enough and all this other good. Is it really you, is it really them talking through you? And a lot of times it's the people that quote that quote unquote love you, or the ones that you know you grew up with, because they're projecting their fears upon you and you don't realize that, oh, I would never do that.

Phil Agrios: 21:26

Or you know, when are you going to get a real job? You know, when you work with a lot of solopreneurs and they're just getting there making it, you know they're up and down and they hear that all the time. When are you going to get a real job? Well, I have a job and I love it, and it's not work and I'm moving forward and this is going to happen. This is because people don't realize the life of an entrepreneur, how hard it is. I mean what you have to do and the hours you got to put in. People don't realize that and that's why a lot of people don't do that and they are stuck in a dead end job.

Manya Chylinski: 21:58

Yes, and they're stuck in companies that seem to be acting against their own best interest in the way they treat employees.

Phil Agrios: 22:08

Absolutely, and that's a lot of corporate yeah, Especially doing international if you have an international company right. So there's different cultures and different expectations and different way they look at it and advice of the US versus somebody else. It all depends on who you're working for.

Manya Chylinski: 22:27

It is, and I think for some it feels like extra work to pay attention to the human side of the equation.

Phil Agrios: 22:38

Oh yeah, because they may be very emotionally in debt, but they just are not trained that way. They don't know what to do, so they're just doing what they were taught what works for them, know exactly how to support them in the way the employee needs to be supported, not in the way they need to be supported, which is that's how they're really managing somebody is well, this works for me, so I'm just going to do it for this person and it doesn't work. And now they're yelling or mad at the person because they're not getting it and they're not speaking their language. But you know, it all depends if, because there's different people that work differently, think differently, acting, they learn differently, and if you're not really open to learning that, then you're going to get the results that you get.

Manya Chylinski: 23:34

Yes, the more I learn about business, communication, compassion, all of these things, the more I'm not at all surprised at how often we misunderstand each other. I am more surprised than ever that we ever communicate effectively with each other, given how we're all coming from different places and hearing different things.

Phil Agrios: 23:57

Absolutely. You know, it's just experience, right. The more you're in there, the more you know what to do, or you need to get out and read books or take courses or things like that to help you through it.

Manya Chylinski: 24:10

Yeah absolutely so, phil. We're getting close to the end of the time. I'd like to ask you, as we wrap up, what is giving you hope these days?

Phil Agrios: 24:23

I hired a great CMO Chief Marketing Officer. This year is going to be phenomenal because everything's set. We have a group coaching course that we guarantee and with a money back guarantee, it works great. It's been working very, very well. Great, it's been working very, very well. I have workshops that we go into, different corporations and companies to work with and just created a membership, so everything's ready. It took years and years to develop because I discovered something no one else has. So it's been a learning experience over the last 30 years, creating what I've created and excited to use this to impact the millions that we know we're going to do. So it's just sitting back and tweaking our publicity as well as our marketing, to show people what we have, that it's something totally different and how it can help them if they choose to embark.

Manya Chylinski: 25:19

Yes, that is very hopeful and it's the perfect lead-in to my final question to you, which is can you please tell us a little bit about what you do and how you help people?

Phil Agrios: 25:32

Yeah, I'm a self-sabotage specialist, a business consultant, international speaker and a best-selling author, and we work with majority of people. But in our group coaching we work with business owners, executives, entrepreneurs and sales professionals to help them to uncover a hidden trait that we're all born with, and we call it the inborn sabotaging trait. It doesn't undermine us, but it actually protects us from the very success that we seek, because that success is subconsciously more painful to sustain and to achieve. So we go back doing what we're doing over and over again. So it's basically the sole trait that stops our success, and when I first found it I thought it was too simple.

Phil Agrios: 26:16

So I went out to try to disprove it, because my reputation is very important to me and over the 30 years of researching thousands and thousands of people and working with them, I found a way to switch off that trait instantly and it works 100% of the time. So when people use what we call the TNOW method T standing for transcend you're able to it's impossible to self-sabotage yourself, able to it's impossible to self-sabotage yourself and helps you to transcend any adversity, no matter how big or small, and so that's what we do. And then we, in our membership, we help different other people, from children to parents, you know, teachers, to whomever are looking to discover what this trade is and how to help them in their own, in their health, their wealth and in their personal lives. So that's basically what I do and what I found.

Manya Chylinski: 27:13

That is really important work, so thank you for doing that. And what is the best way for folks to get in touch with you if they want to learn more?

Phil Agrios: 27:22

They can go to the tnowmethodcom. The tnowmethodcom and it gives an opportunity to look at our membership. Or if you're a business owner, executive, sales professional looking to have more one-on-one with me, with our group coaching, they can go to the tnowmasterclasscom. That's tnowmasterclasscom. It's a 12-minute video and it gives them an opportunity to make a discovery call with us to determine if they're a candidate for any of our programs. We don't sell anybody that day. You can't buy anything from us that day. We want to make sure you're a candidate and if you are great. If not, then we part as friends and we move on.

Manya Chylinski: 28:06

Excellent. I will put links to that in the show notes to make it easier for folks to get in touch with you and Phil. Thank you so much. It's been so lovely chatting with you today.

Phil Agrios: 28:16

Oh, it's great. Thank you so much, manya. Manya, this is an interesting, very different type of interview, so I commend you. It was great, it was intriguing and I had a blast.

Manya Chylinski: 28:28

Oh, awesome. Thank you so much.

Phil Agrios: 28:30

Okay.

Manya Chylinski: 28:34

Bye-bye. Thank you for listening. I'm Manya Chylinski. I help organizations build compassionate, resilient teams that thrive by creating environments where well-being is at the core. Often people reach out to me during times of crisis or significant change, but the truth is that building a healthier, more supportive workplace can prevent issues before they arise and empower your teams to thrive no matter what challenges come their way. If you're ready to make a meaningful change, I'd love to connect. If you haven't already done so, please subscribe, rate and review the podcast on Apple Podcasts or your listening platform of choice. It really helps others find us. And if you'd like to continue the conversation, connect with me on LinkedIn or visit my website, www. manyachylinski. com. Thank you for being part of this journey with me.