Reverse, Reset, Restore
This is for all of us who have been wounded by our own (and others) judgements and expectations, who have listened to those inner voices and believed the lies we've sold ourselves and for those who truly want to love and honour who you were always meant to be. If you've struggled with self-acceptance, poor body image and a belief system that is no longer serving you (if it ever did!), then this podcast is your reminder that you're not alone and you can choose to make changes - from your health and wellbeing, to your thoughts and the way you move in the world.
Reverse, Reset, Restore
Stopping The Shame Game Cycle
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Ever felt paralyzed by an invisible weight, one that whispers of inadequacy and drowns out your triumphs with a focus on flaws? You're not alone. I'm Sally, and in a deeply personal and transformative discussion, I'm gonna address the gnawing emotion of shame—how it distorts our self-image and hinders our journey to self-acceptance. We'll dissect the nuances between shame and guilt with insight from Brené Brown's groundbreaking research, and I'll share my own struggles with societal expectations regarding marriage, children, and career. Through heartfelt conversation, we open the door to cultivating empathy and vulnerability, essential tools in loosening shame's grip.
In this episode, we'll look at some of the common triggers of shame, the damaging impact shame can inflict on your body and offer up 12 strategies to foster a kinder internal dialogue, emphasizing the practical steps that we can take to stop playing the shame game in our life.
Our quote at the end of this episode comes from Kilroy J. Oldster who flips the script on the way we can look at shame.
“Shame and self-loathing has its upside. Without despising oneself, a person might delay ascending to a heightened degree of self-consciousness. Taking the first step towards redemption requires a tremendous commitment and much willpower.”
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Understanding and Overcoming Shame Triggers
Speaker 1Welcome to Reverse, reset, restore the podcast where we explore how our reactions, thoughts, feelings and behaviors shape our reality. Join me, your host Sally, as we embark on a journey of self-awareness and transformation when we stop playing the shame game. Change comes from within. Shame. It's a word that carries a heavy weight, a deep rooted emotion that often remains hidden beneath the surface yet exerts a powerful influence on our thoughts, behaviors and our overall well-being. In this exploration, we're going to delve into the complex world of shame, understanding that triggers, drawing insights from Brené Brown's research and uncovering the profound impact it has on our lives. Shame is an intense, painful emotion that stems from feelings of unworthiness, inadequacy or the belief that we fall short of certain standards, whether that's internal or societal. Unlike guilt, which focuses on actions and behaviors, shame strikes at the core of our identity. It whispers insidious messages telling us that we are inherently flawed, unlovable or fundamentally wrong. Often, shame thrives in secrecy, making it all the more challenging to address. In this episode, we're going to look at some common triggers of shame. It's physical manifestations in our lives and we'll go through 12 techniques you can empower yourself to use to root out shame from being a continuous cycle of self-abuse. Before we go into those details, I want to talk a bit about Brené Brown's research on shame.
Speaker 1Most of us we probably know who Brené Brown is. She's a renowned researcher and author and she's extensively studied vulnerability, shame and the power of embracing imperfection. She emphasizes that shame cannot survive when it is spoken, shared and met with empathy. This idea resonated so strongly with me in the moments in my life where I have battled against my inner dialogue demons. I have believed that speaking those thoughts out loud has been what has saved me. Once spoken into the light, the dark thoughts in my mind have no choice but to wither and die away. They have no power once they are brought out of the recesses of my mind and born into the world by my voice. For me at least, talking frankly and honestly about my feelings and the thoughts that are swirling around wishing to bring me harm has softened the grounds within my mind and my body and helped me reconnect back to myself and those who love and support me. And this is what happens when you are able to be vulnerable enough to speak those thoughts and feelings out into the light of a safe landing space, that safe landing space being someone who responds with empathy because, as Brené Brown says, if we can share our story with someone who responds with empathy and understanding, shame can't survive.
Speaker 1In her research, brown highlights the importance of vulnerability and authenticity in forming genuine connections and combating shame. This isn't to discount the challenges of directly facing those shame thoughts and feelings. Now, if you have gotten into a lifelong habit of playing the shame game, it's almost as natural as breathing. You may be so deep in it that it seems impossible to be anything else. And Brené says that shame corrodes the very part of us that believes we are capable of change. And it's that corrosion that can lead to shame arising from various sources, including these common triggers of shame Social expectations.
Speaker 1Shame often stems from societal expectations and the fear of judgment or criticism from others. This can include pressure to conform to established standards or norms, whether that's an appearance or behavior or even our life choices. I personally felt a lot of shame for many years because I was a single woman in my 30s and my 20s and into my and as I approached my 40s. I wasn't married, I didn't have kids, I didn't have the house, I didn't even have like a longstanding career, because I've always been a bit of a gypsy and done lots of things and my girl Friday, and so there was a lot of shame around my whole existence that I hadn't met these targets, these societal norms or expectations, that somehow being a woman who was single or being a woman without children meant that I was less than. And I think for a lot of us women who are in that situation where we are single or we don't have children, that there is still that societal expectation placed upon us from when we were young that we're still having to work through now and go. Actually I don't need a man or a woman or children to complete me. I'm a whole person and I don't need to conform to these standards to be acceptable. But it's really hard to come to that place if you're living in a place of shame. So when individuals perceive a gap between societal expectations and their reality, feelings of shame may arise. To address this, it's really important to recognize and challenge unrealistic societal standards, fostering self-acceptance and understanding that everyone's journey is unique.
Speaker 1Past mistakes, the replaying of past actions or decisions that evoke regret or embarrassment can be a significant trigger for shame. People may struggle to forgive themselves for perceived wrongs or missteps, which lead to a sense of unworthiness. Overcoming this source of shame involves practicing self-compassion, acknowledging that everyone makes mistakes and learning from past experiences rather than dwelling on them. This is where I take issue with the cancel culture that is so prevalent today, because I know I am not the same person I was 10 years ago, 20 years ago, 30 years ago. I'm not the same person I was two years ago. I'm not the same person I was five months ago, and I know that there's a continual journey and development, at least for me, that my life has evolved and changed over the course of my own experiences.
Speaker 1Of course, we can consider cancelling people who don't believe that they've done anything wrong and that their things are egregious. But again, that comes with its own sense of righteousness and judgementalness. And who's to say that if we weren't in similar circumstances, what our own personal actions would be? I always like to think that, because my integrity is so important to me that I would, you know, maintain that. But you just don't know. Until you are in difficult circumstance or any kind of experience, you're not really sure 100% how you might react. So therapy or cancelling can provide valuable support in processing and moving beyond your past mistakes. As Gina Simmons Schneider writes in Frizzle Brain break free from anxiety, anger and stress using advanced discoveries in neuropsychology. She says we can weather disappointment in ourselves better if we act kindly towards ourselves.
Speaker 1Body image this is another common trigger. Comparison to unrealistic beauty standards prevalent in society can result in shame about one's own appearance. Media portrayal of idealized body types often contributes to negative self-perception. Combatting body image shame involves cultivating a positive self-image, appreciating your body's uniqueness and challenging unrealistic beauty ideals. Surrounding oneself with body positive influences and seeking support from like-minded communities can contribute to a healthier body image. As Charles F Glassman says, the most effective diet is when you shed the weight of guilt, shame and worry.
Speaker 1Another trigger is parental challenges. Now, this one doesn't apply to me because I am not a parent, but there is societal pressure to be a perfect caregiver, which can lead to feelings of inadequacy and shame in your parenting. Parents may fear judgment from others, especially in the age of social media, where parenting is often curated and shared. We've all seen those videos flash on our Facebook feeds or our TikToks, and what you might think is cute, someone inevitably is going to be like it's dangerous, or what you may think is somewhat dangerous and you wouldn't do it as a parent yourself makes you automatically go into a place of judgment for that parent.
Speaker 1Overcoming shame and parenting involves acknowledging that there actually is no one size fits all approach to parenting. My best advice is love your kids unconditionally. Be kind, be empathetic, understand they are actually human beings. They're not toys, they're not a societal obligation. You're actually, as a parent, responsible for developing another human being who's going to be an adult, who's going to participate in the world as an adult. Parenting children is actually a really short-term gig over the space of someone's whole lifetime.
Speaker 1So overcoming shame and parenting, seeking support from parenting communities, sharing challenges openly and understanding that imperfections are part of not just the parenting journey but the journey of life as a whole, can really help alleviate your shame. Unrealized goals, not meaning personal or professional goals, can trigger feelings of shame, especially when there's a perceived gap between expectations and reality. Overcoming this source of shame requires a realistic assessment of goals, breaking them down into achievable steps and celebrating your progress along the way. It's important to understand that setbacks and challenges are really just a part of any journey and your self-worth is not determined by the attainment of specific goals. Dana Alstringer says it best shame is the silent killer of potential. Vulnerability is another trigger. So sharing personal struggles or failures, exposing your vulnerability, can lead to shame, particularly if there is a fear of rejection or ridicule.
Speaker 1Overcoming shame related to vulnerability involves recognizing the courage it takes to be open and authentic. Brene has this to say about courage and vulnerability Courage is a heart word. The root of the word courage is core, the Latin word for heart. In one of its earliest forms, the word courage meant to speak one's mind by telling all one's heart. Over time, this definition has changed and today we typically associate courage with heroic and brave deeds. But in my opinion, this definition fails to recognize the inner strength and level of commitment required for us to actually speak honestly and openly about who we are and about our experiences, good and bad. Speaking from our hearts is what I think of as ordinary courage. It takes courage to be vulnerable.
Speaker 1Often being vulnerable in our society is not looked at as being courageous but as being weak. To me, I have always found that one of my superpowers was to be courageous and vulnerable in a world where people misidentify both. And so I've had my shame struggles around vulnerability because I looked at the world hoping it would see my strength and my authenticity and my vulnerability and it was always classified as weakness. Show your emotions weakness. Cry when stressed weakness. Especially if you're a man Angry weakness. And if you are a woman, getting angry and being emotional, you're not only being weak, you're being manipulative to boot. Cultivating a supportive environment where vulnerability is valued and met with empathy can contribute to breaking the shame cycle. Building connections with understanding individuals and practicing self-compassion are crucial steps in embracing vulnerability without shame.
Speaker 1We'll go into further details about how we can break those shame chains in a moment, but first let's talk about the physical manifestations, how shame impacts the body, because I think for so many of us, we don't always recognise that our feelings of shame don't just play out in our thoughts or only affect our emotional well-being. It also has a profound impact on our physical health. When we experience shame, our bodies respond in various ways. Number one, not going to be a surprise here stress responses. So shame triggers the body stress response, which obviously is going to lead to an increase in your stress hormones, such as cortisol. This prolonged stress can negatively affect your various body systems, contributing to health issues like cardiovascular problems and weakened immune function.
Speaker 1Number two chronic health conditions. So research has suggested that chronic shame may contribute to the development or exacerbation of conditions such as anxiety, depression and even chronic pain. Number three gastrointestinal distress. Shame has been linked to gastrointestinal issues, including irritable bowel syndrome, ibs and digestive problems. Number four self-neglect. Experiencing shame may lead to behaviours such as poor self-care. Maybe that means neglecting exercise, making unhealthy dietary choices, not leaving your house, making messes in your house, not even brushing your hair or your teeth, like just general things that we do on an everyday basis you may begin to stop doing because of experiencing shame. And number five another big one sleep disruptions. So shame and due stress can obviously disrupt sleep patterns, leading to insomnia or just a really poor sleep quality.
Speaker 1If you and I were chatting together right now, face to face, how many of those physical impacts of shame would you tell me are resonating with you right now? I can put a finger up for each one. Shame has impacted my weight, my sleep, my ability to eat or not eat. Its lead to depression and stress and making unhealthy choices. I think at one point in my life, if shame was identified as a person, it would have been me.
Speaker 1Fortunately, there are ways to break the chains of shame. It doesn't have to be the be all and end all of how we live our lives, and the sooner we can recognize its devious games, the sooner we can begin to acknowledge and address shame, which is the first crucial step towards healing and self acceptance. I know you want to be healed and healthy and whole. That's what's got you listening right now. So maybe take a moment to stop whatever it is you're doing and really listening to the following 12 ways that you can break this sick cycle of the shame game. No one is expecting you to implement all of them, but can I encourage you to just begin the first step today on, or maybe two, whichever one feels the most right for you, the one or two that you resonate the most strongly with, the one that you know you can work on and stick to and be inspired by. So, for example, if you have a hard time practicing boundaries with other people which is our 12th technique in the following list don't start there.
Speaker 1Start at number one, practicing self awareness. Build yourself up until you no longer allow other people's opinions and judgments to pull you back into the shame game. Once you've done that, then you can implement some boundaries because you'll have a stronger foundation with a relationship you have created with yourself. That's the most important relationship you will ever have in your entire existence and it's the one that we often neglect the most. So, as mentioned number one practice self awareness. Start by becoming aware of the situations, the thoughts or behaviors that trigger shame for you. Notice, when you start engaging in negative self talk or self critical thoughts, then your triggers is a crucial step in interrupting the shame cycle.
Speaker 1Number two cultivate self compassion. So I want you to treat yourself with the same kindness and understanding and love that you would offer to a friend or family member. Practice self compassion by acknowledging that everyone makes mistakes and faces challenges. Yes, even the perfectionist that we think we are, embrace the idea that imperfections are part of being human and they're perfectly okay. Number three challenge negative self-talking thoughts. Become aware of the negative self-talk fueled by shame. Actively challenge negative thoughts and beliefs about yourself. So when you catch yourself engaging in self-blame or harsh judgments, ask yourself if these thoughts are based on facts or distorted perceptions. Replace negative thoughts with more balanced and compassionate ones.
Speaker 1Number four professional help. If shame is severely impacting your well-being, consider seeking professional help from therapists or counselors experienced in dealing with shame and its effects. Number five vulnerability. Embrace vulnerability by sharing your struggles with trusted individuals who offer empathy and support. Share your feelings with a trusted friend or a family member or a therapist. Opening up about your struggles can provide emotional support. Also, it provides different perspectives and helps alleviate the burden of shame. Connecting with others who have similar experiences can also be really beneficial. Number six cultivating authentic connections. Surround yourself with people who encourage authenticity and genuine connections, allowing you to be your true, free self, without fear or judgment.
Speaker 1Number seven forgive yourself. Understand that making mistakes is a natural part of life. Instead of dwelling on past errors, focus on learning from them. Forgive yourself for not being perfect and recognize that growth often comes from overcoming challenges. Number eight set realistic standards. Revaluate your expectations and standards. Ensure that they are realistic and achievable. Setting unrealistic standards can set you up for failure and contribute to your feelings of shame. Break down larger goals into smaller, more manageable, bite-size pieces. Number nine focus on positive aspects. Shift your focus from perceived shortcomings to your strengths and your positive qualities. Create a list of your achievements, both big and small. Remind yourself of the progress you've made and celebrate your successes. Number ten learn from mistakes. Instead of viewing mistakes as failures, see them as opportunities for learning and growth. Reflect on what you can gain from the experience and how you can apply those lessons in the future. Mistakes do not define your worth.
Speaker 1Number eleven cultivate mindfulness. Cultivate mindfulness to stay present and avoid getting caught up in your negative thought patterns. Mindfulness techniques, such as deep breathing or meditation, can help you observe your thoughts without judgment and break free from the shame cycle. And number twelve set boundaries. Establish healthy boundaries in your relationships and your life. Be mindful of the people and situations that contribute to your feelings of shame. Setting boundaries allows you to protect your well-being and focus on positive influences. Remember that breaking free from the shame game is a gradual process and it is okay to seek professional help if you find it challenging to navigate on your own. Therapists and counselors and life coaches can provide guidance, support and tools to help you build resilience and self-compassion.
Speaker 1Shame is a silent yet powerful emotion that can shape our thoughts, our actions and our physical well-being.
Speaker 1However, understanding its triggers, drawing inspiration from Brené Brown's research and recognizing its impact on our body can empower us to break free from its grip. By fostering self-compassion, embracing vulnerability and seeking genuine connections, we can embark on a journey towards healing, self-acceptance and a renewed sense of worthiness. Remember, you are not defined by shame but by your resilience and capacity for growth, and you have my love and unending capacity for resilience and personal understanding. What are your thoughts on shame? Are you suffering in your life because you're holding onto this idea that you are not enough or you've done something wrong or you're unworthy of acceptance because you're holding onto a belief system of shame? Let's talk about it. Feel free to direct message me and we can have that conversation. As always, I am ending the episode with a quote. This comes from Kilroy J Oldster, author of Dead Toad Scrolls. Shame and south loathing has its upside. Without despising oneself, a person might delay ascending to a heightened degree of self-consciousness. Taking the first step towards redemption requires a tremendous commitment and much willpower.