'She prioritise her own needs above her child' (EP. 3)

In this episode I explore the term 'she prioritise her own needs above her childs'.

The essay can be found here: https://richarddevinesocialwork.com/2020/06/19/she-prioritises-her-own-needs-above-her-childs/

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Transcript

0:02

Welcome to rich divine social work, practice podcast. I am rich and I am a social worker. This podcast is about practice related issues, self development and transformation. It will give you the knowledge, ideas, and practical tools for being an effective social worker, supporting you with assessment skills, direct work, dealing with conflict. And importantly, helping you make a positive difference in the lives of children and families. So today I'm going to be talking about. The term. She prioritizes her own needs about the children. Before I get into that, however, I've been thinking that I might have a segment of the podcast at the beginning where I provide a little bit of an update or reflect on something that's happened in work. We'll share a piece of learning. And one of the things that's been occurring for me this week is I've had a lot of deadlines and a lot of work to do. And I've just found myself constantly projecting myself into some imaginary future. Where I will no longer have to. Have the current level of concern or the anxiety or the stress The work that I have to do at the moment. And Eckhart totally. Spiritual teacher. Whose book. The power of now is probably one of the most profound. Books that I've read. He writes that stress is caused by being here, but wanting to be there. We're being in the present and wanting to be in the future. So you can think about this in a couple of ways. One is on a macro level. So to give an example. When I was a student social worker, I wanted to be a qualified social worker. When I was a qualified social worker and I was working with children. In need. I want it to be more like my experienced colleagues who were working with children on a child protection plan. Soon after I'd become a social worker and I was settled into that role. I then wanted to be a senior social worker. On a more day-to-day basis Micro level. If I'm working on a rapport. Do. First day and it's only Tuesday. I want it to be Friday, so I don't have to be concerned with the rapport. On Friday. Arrives. I wanted to be the weekend. The problem is that when the moment I previously decide arrives, then a new situation or desire emerges. And then I found myself. Again, caught up thinking about a moment in the future. That promises finally to offer me contentment and freedom from anxiety. And so some of my stress, not all of it, but some of my stress. Is self generated as a consequence of this type of thinking. And derives from a dissatisfied. Dissatisfaction with the present moment. And so this week in particular, I'm finding that I'm constantly having to pull myself back into the present moment. And enjoy your concentrate on what is in front of me at any given moment in time.'cause otherwise. I will run the risk of wishing my life away. In, in the sense of. Wanting to be at some point in the future. So. That's my little update. My little life update. I need to get a name for the segment that this segment. And then maybe I need to get some. Transition music to. Transitioned me into the next segment. So as you can see, this is a really well for our implant. Podcasts that you're listening to, rather than me just making it up as I go along. So. She prioritizes her own needs above her. Chip above her. Child's. Is a, is a phrase that I want to reflect on In general, I am cautious in analyzing the meaning of words, statements, and phrases in children, social work. Language is a fundamental element in shaping our diff and defining our own experience as well as the experience of others. I worry, however times disproportionate attention is given to language because it is relatively easy to adjust. At least compared to the system, which generates the language. In a book by Alex Fox called in a new health and care system. He writes change in the language. Change in language used within organizations and systems. Can often be a substitute for changing behavior and beliefs. With the new softer sounding language at an account of irony to annealed in bureaucracies. To give one example. There has been. Attempts and quite successful ones and changing the language used for children in care. For example. Family time has been advocated and adopted in lots of local authorities as a more preferable term than contact. Family time certainly does sound less detached and clinical than contact. However, neither terms. Used within common ways of talking. When a person who's not in care, spends time with their family. You would never hear them say I'm seeing my mother this afternoon. The family time. Crucially, however. The term doesn't change the experience for children and cast, spending time with their family. The term content or family time will mean what mean, and the children attributes to the word as a result of his or her experience. And so I think that the children in care Prefer that we improve the quality of the relationships that they have with their family. As well as improved some of the satins. Rather than simply change the term used to explain the time they spend with their families. With that said some phrases are commonly used and often without much awareness that have significant. Implications or connotations. And I've deserve another tension. And I think the phrase she prioritizes her own needs above her. Child's. Needs is one of those phrases. Now I've used this term countless times. So I'm not there for sitting on a pedestal and condemning those that have used the term. Rather I'm sharing a recent. Or race? Relatively recent evolution in my thinking on Now the phrase she prioritizes her own needs above her child's needs. It's not that the phrase is untrue. But that is true for everyone, irrespective of their circumstances. Every parent. Prioritize it that wrote a need before their child. It's quite hard to care for children unless you are psychologically adjusted and relationally supported. So some haven't however, the options available to them to tend to their own needs in order to turn to their children's needs is compromised because of domestically abusive relationships. Unresolved psychological distress. And or limited resources available to them. Whether that be. Relationally materially and financially. So to explain this a little further, I would explore two areas in which this term is commonly used. The first. Is around domestic abuse and the second is around substance misuse. To begin with domestic abuse. First of all. It's worth mentioning that there are different types of domestic abuse. However. For the purposes of today's. Episode, I'm going to be referring to. Coercive and control and domestic abuse perpetrated by men against women. The term in question is used almost exclusively within with women. In which she is alleged to place her To be in an abusive relationship above her need to safely care for their or her child. It is now commonly understood the domestic abuse that is controlling and coercive interpersonal behavior. Has insidious pervasive and devastating effects on women's sense of self. That the pattern of behavior by the perpetrator often leaves women highly fearful, hypervigilant. And predisposed towards Sorry, behavior as a way of avoiding and or minimizing psychological or physical, physical harm. In other words. She has to prioritize the need of the abusive apartment above her own. Inadvertently because domestic abuse is harmful to children. The claim in this scenario is that she is prioritizing her need to be in a relationship. In particular, an abusive relationship above the children's need for safety. And I think. Aside from place in disproportionate responsibility upon the woman for the children's safety. We have also established that she's not necessarily prioritizing her need. She's prioritizing the need of the controlling and coercive individual. Furthermore, some research has found that women implement strategies in the context of their abusive relationship. That function to protect their children. And this would compensate for the harmful effects of domestic abuse. This was, this is referred to in, in the literature as adaptive maternal compensate tree. Behavior. It was actually a topic of. The dissertation I did. When I was at university back in. 2010. And what that basically shows is that mothers attempt to protect and mitigate against the effects of domestic abuse. Often in extremely difficult circumstances sometimes with an increased risk to themselves. And what that shows is that they prioritize the child above their self. And this can often be overlooked and instead mothers can be judged as prioritizing their needs above their own failing, to protect and experience child protection services as blaming and punitive. So at the very I think when we're involved with children who are experienced in domestic abuse, We need to take into consideration or at least explore the possibility. That, although that will be harmful. The mother. If she's in a relationship with a controlled and immersive. And sometimes violent perpetrator. May also be going out of her way to shield the child from some of the effects of the domestic In the second. I suppose. Scenario in which the term. She prioritizes her own needs above her child's needs. Is around substance misuse. Now it is perhaps slightly harder to make the case that parents who misuse drugs. And all our alcohol and not prioritizing that needs above that. Children's in part because of the widespread and often implicitly embedded societal view, the alcohol and or drug addiction is born out of. Self-determined. Decision maker. Conscious, fought through. Albeit morally flawed desire for hedonistic pleasure. However missing from this kind of viewpoint is the obvious and inevitable outcome of chronic drug and alcohol Which is misery unhappiness, poor mental and physical health, poor relationships and early death. Just to name a few. You would have to be an absolute pathological sadomasochist. Choose this. And I'll turn a 10 perspective is that drug and alcohol use is an attempt and quite an effective one in the short term of dealing with overwhelming feelings, such as fear. Anxiety, depression and loneliness, especially in the context of any other accessible alternative means of resolving those feelings. As pointed out by The question is never why the, why the addiction, but why the So with this, understand them. Problematic drug and alcohol use can be. Reconceptualized as a solution to a deeper underlying psychological material and environmental problem. And if it's not an unmet psychological issue, then consideration can also be given to the social context. Typically it's, it's both. There's a book called chasing the scream by. Johann Hari. And he in this book described a study by a Canadian psychologist called Dr. Bruce Alexander. And the experiment was referred to as the rat park experiment. And so I'll just summarize Quickly. In one study. Maxilla placed into a cage with water and heroin or cocaine. And. The rants compulsively develop the heroin or cocaine. And eventually died. From this study, it was concluded that drugs are inherently chemically addictive. And anyone who consumes them will just follow a linear Directional pathway to addiction. However, in a subsequent study, rats were placed in a cage once again, with water and heroin or cocaine. This time, however, the rats were provided food. Hamster wheel and toys, the comfortable, bad. Friends and sexual mates. And in this. Scenario, the rats did consume drugs, but only intermittently and none of the rats died. To further illustrate his point. Johann Hari also referred to the Vietnam war. Where. 20% of American troops Heroin. Regularly during that duties in Vietnam. And at the time. It was anticipated that hundreds of thousands of troops were going to return to America with problematic and serious drug addictions. Instead. All of the evidence indicated that the vast majority stopped using heroin once they returned When the troops were no longer in a dangerous and deprive social context, they were no longer compelled to use drugs to cope. It's the it's the human equivalent, essentially off the rat park experiment. And that needs. How Hari to conclude that the opposite of addiction is not sobriety. Rather the opposite of addiction is human connection. Therefore. Parents are meeting their psychological and social needs through the only effective means at that disposable. Arguably, they were deceived and to believe in the drugs and or alcohol. Good remedy that difficulties. Drawing upon them as a self protective coping mechanism, subsequently they become addicted. And in some cases in capable of reducing. Or abstain and despite the obvious and deleterious effects on a whole host of secondary problems, unconnected to the original problem that they're attempting to resolve. In a book called memoir memoirs of an addicted brain. New neuroscientists and former drug addict, mark limits. Right. The addiction is. An attempted to shortcut to get more of what you need. By condensing what you need into a single monolithic symbol. The drug or other substances stands for a cluster of needs. Needs for Wolf safety, freedom. And self-sufficiency. So to bring this to a. Conclusion. Over half a century ago. John Bowlby, quite a famous quote. Now. Right. Just as children are absolutely dependent on their parents for sustenance. So in all, but the most primitive communities are parents. Dependent on a greater society. If a community values its children, it must cherish their parents. And Bowlby. Understood that for a parent to care for their child, they need to be cared for themselves. Economically, practically and emotionally. In other words, they need to be cherished. When we claim. The parent is prioritizing their own need above that child. We cast a kind of moral condemnation tree stands that implicitly assigns. Conscience conscious intent and agency. When we recognize however that they are attempting or. More accurately. I think. Being compelled to deal with that and just relationships and often. And or unresolved psychological distress often in the context of deprivation. And relational impoverishment, then we can reframe the issue. And hopefully from this developer more. Ethical and meaningful set of interventions. Patricia Crittenden. Who was heavily influenced by Bowlby suggest that to help parents. This is her quote, not My words. To help parents. We need to understand them as people who have children. As opposed to seeing them exist in solely in terms of their ability to fulfill their children's needs. In other words. Parents have need other than caring for that child. And opening up a dialogue about those needs desires and wishes is perhaps the first step that we could And just I might just take us in a radically different. Uh, Direction then. We would otherwise. So then we get. Now. This is where I need some more music to, to transition into my next segment. I really want to. The question and answer section at the end. Where I. Respond to. Questions that practitioners or anybody in social work actually. Has, and I will give. Again, with trying to answer those questions. And you can contact me on my email, which I've just set up for the podcast. Rich. Divine D E V I N E. Social work. At gmail.com. And I just want to end on. Some lovely feedback that I received. Because I looked on the apple podcast. So I over the weekend and realized that I'd had a couple of comments. That I hadn't seen. And. One person wrote fascinating, an accessible podcast, which provided important insights into the dilemmas and challenges of safeguard and social work with children and families. I've listened to several. I've listened to several And one and two and take it so much from the wisdom and generosity. Richard, Chad. And central listening for all social workers. And a valuable learning source first. Looking forward to hearing and learning more. Another road. I really enjoyed this honest and insightful podcast. Which is writing and analysis has already been so useful to the profession. This is a fantastic addition. And I've no doubt. It will be a fantastic resource for students and social workers. I know no one who can combine theoretical knowledge with courageous honesty and insight. So successfully. And then one more, which just right. Honest and reflective, looking forward to hearing more. And I just wanted to say. Because it's not clear to me who wrote those a massive, massive, thank They are such generous. Lovely. And encouraging. Pieces of feedback and I just wanted to acknowledge and show appreciation for So Manny, thanks for listening to this episode. If you haven't already, then please consider subscribing or following or sharing with your colleagues. And please, please leave a comment. Positive or negative. It'd be good to have some negative because then if I do read them out on a weekly basis, It will show for degree of It will be a bit cringe if people are really lovely and kind, and I'm just reading that. All the time. I mean, I'm happy to take it, but, So my point is that all feedback is very welcome. And finally, as I mentioned before, if you have any questions, please get in touch. Or if there's any topics you'd like me to explore or people you'd like to speak. Meet to speak to then again, please get in