Welcome to rich Divine's social work, practice podcast. I am rich and I am a social worker. This podcast is about practice related issues. Self-development and transformation. It will give you knowledge, ideas and practical tools for being an effective social worker. Supporting you with assessment skills, direct work, dealing with conflict and importantly, helping you make a positive difference in the lives of children and families. So this is the first episode in 2023. And I've had a few weeks off. Over the Christmas period. Probably. A little more than I originally planned. Because I found towards the end of last year. So I just felt. Slightly worn out and exhausted in that. It was, it felt like it was taken me about four hours to do an hour's work. And it also felt like I had so many pieces of work to do. That it felt like I couldn't make it then to land. And so the consequences of that felt like a lot of procrastination. And it had occurred to me that I hadn't really had that much time off. For four or five, six months. And that's. Not because I didn't have time off. It's just that when I did have time off. I was working on other pieces of work. Like the blog, like the podcast. And other pieces of work that I've been involved in. And so I had a good couple of weeks off and completely. Try to. Shut down as much as I could. And I'm feeling a lot more refreshed. Come and get into 2023. So today I'm going to read through. I blocked. I've just released. Cooled and of year review, 2022. Hardly a riveting title. And I do this. I've done this every year for quite a few years. But the last three years, I turned it into a blog. And so. I've just jumped straight into this. I began with. An overview. About my personal life. And I've just read it out. In previous years, I have not written about my personal family life. I was worried about how much to share about my wife, Rebecca, and two. Children. Mainly due to preserve and that confidentiality. However this year I've changed my mind for two reasons. Firstly, now that I've been writing blogs for a few years, I am not as concerned about maintaining a strict separation between my personal and professional life. Secondly, and more importantly, I think it's crucial to acknowledge the value of being in a stable, loving marriage with two healthy children. My wife, Rebecca is exceptionally supportive and provides a context. From which I can work full time. Plus write this blog, produce a podcast. And take on additional pieces of work. She takes care of our home and does a great deal of organizing in relation to the children. She does a disproportionate amount, which frees me up to focus on pursuing professional and personal interests, such as this block. And now this podcast. A couple of years ago, our friend Tony may brought me the book fair play by ear. For my birthday. Not so subtle hint. I'd imagine. Written this book I learned about the term mental load. Which. Eve Rodsky describes us the never ending mental to do less, that you keep for all of your families tasks. So for my wife, this includes tasks such as Washington, Ireland, shopping, renewing house insurance, paying for the kids' activities, such as football. And Scamps filling out registration forms, purchasing clothes, uniform shoes. Responding to children's birthday invitations. Bye and present. So the cart organizing, play dates and social activities with friends. Again, cards and gifts or extended family for birthdays. And many, many more activities. In addition to this. My wife works three days a week in a busy front door child protection team as a team manager. I have been reflecting on whether my contribution to home life matches the intensity of my contributions to my professional pursuits. Since I left child protection case Holden in 2017, I have been able to take on a more proactive role in our children's lives. Mainly due to an increased availability and flexibility in my work. However, there are still areas in taking care of our home, where I need to take greater initiative and responsibility. And that has one of my commitments in 2023. Related to the above. Or what I've just said. I am worried about giving folks impressions on the blog podcast and on Twitter. In some ways, this is unavoidable because we always seek to represent ourselves favorably. And I would highly recommend. Ben Goffman's book on this. It's just, it blows your mind that. The ways, the extent to which we constantly try and present ourselves. In this kind of idealized favorable way to other people. How about. Back to the blog, given my use of the blog and social media, I think it is important not to lean into heavily on, into this. Morgan Housel in his excellent article explains the limitations of only sharing certain aspects of ourselves. So he writes most of what people share is what they want you to see. Skills or advertise floors, a hidden. Windsor exaggerate losses or down plate, doubt and anxiety. I've rarely shared on social media. Most things are harder than they look and not as fun as they seem, because the information we're exposed to tends to be a highlight reel of what people want you to know about themselves to increase their own chances of success. It's easiest to convince people that you are special. If they don't know you well enough to see all of the ways that you're not. And that was partly why I wanted to share a little bit about. Some of my own flaws and limitations in regards to my contributions at home. Because I didn't want to. Present or give off a misleading picture. About. Who I am and what I'm about. I then talk about my. Job as a consultant social worker for bath and NAAFI Somerset county. So. I remained working at Baffin Nafissa. The Somerset council entering my seventh year here and my 12th year social work. I am proud to work for veins and feel privileged to work with dedicated hard work in child-centered and consider it social workers, team managers, and leaders. I am. I am humbled and inspired by the impressiveness of my colleagues. One of the things I didn't mention as well is that we were visited by off stat. Earlier in the year and our outcome was good across all boards, which we were obviously. Beverly pleased about everybody pretends that they don't care about. Offset. And in some ways they're not that important, but when you get a good outcome, It's hard not to. Speak about that. And also. I would know that. Working in any organization is less about the organization itself per se. And more about the people that you get to work with and the opportunities for learning and to be inspired and to be energized. And I certainly have a lot of that in veins. As part of the role. I complete parent and assessments of children and families. I would say that's the bulk of my role. I draw heavily on Kristin's dynamic maturational model of attachment and adaptation. And utilize several attachment procedures, including an adult attachment interview. Parents interviews. School-aged assessment of attachment child and play. Assessment of attachment, otherwise known as Kappa. And the Karen decks. Without a doubt, the dynamic maturational motto, otherwise known as the DMN and the accompanying assessment procedures are the most valuable tools I've yet to encounter in my endeavor to help children and families. If I was to have one. Wish. The social work in the UK. It would be for that to be widespread dissemination and access to the ideas within Crittenden's dynamic maturational model. As part of my role, I received clinical supervision from Rebecca Hopkins. Who's one of the UK lead and detachment experts. She is one of the most exceptional people. I know. I have benefited personally and professionally from hope wisdom, compassion, incisive, intellect into psychological and relational issues. And ongoing encouragement. If you ever do want to consider getting training for your team? Or workforce in the DMM. I couldn't recommend Rebecca Carl Hopkins highly enough. One of the most engaging, charismatic trainers I've ever. Come across. Complete and assessments of children and families is the most meaningful and valuable piece of work. I do. At times in the past year. There have been. Times. Oh, I've just noticed I've used the word at times. Twice in the same sentence. At times in the past year, there have been times when I focused less on assessments and more on workforce development, I quickly became idealized and romantic about what social work should and could be. Spending time with children and families and making recommendations that have life-changing consequences for them allows me to remain connected to the messiness of relationships within the child protection context and the agonizing difficulty in making decisions for children and their families. I have noticed how easy it is for those who step away from practice to become critical about social work practice. Including myself when I've done it, even for a short time. It is easy to believe when judging. And others work from a distance that I would act in a more desirable way. This is probably explained by the fundamental attribution error, which is the tendency to describe other people's behavior due to that traits, rather than the context or environment. In other words, as bystanders of social work practice. We can. Quickly, strip away from. We can quickly strip away the context and emotional complexity of working with some of the most troubled and disadvantaged members of our society within a statutory context. And assign ill intent towards practitioners failing to live up to certain practice ideals. Therefore right. And assessments in votes in humility and compassion for colleagues undertaken the stressful. Emotionally demanded and cognitively complex role. Also it is the path. The job that I enjoy the most spending time with children and families. It is the area. I believe that lends itself. Lends itself to my strengths as a social worker. As a side note, I do also wish. That there were more opportunities for experienced social workers to remain connected, to practice, and yet have some type of career progression. I do think that the care review has considered and looked into that. And hopefully that will be one of the recommendations that will be taken forward. Once they get cited upon by the government. Towards the end of this year, which was last year. I did motivational interview and train the trainer with professor Donald Forester and David Wilkins. We traveled to Cardiff to do this. I look forward to training our workforce in veins, in motivational interviewing, as I think it is the most effective approach for child protection practice. I then talk about the in practice researcher position they've had at Cambridge university. Initially, this was supported through Basware and now Robbie doesn't ski. It's been kind enough to let me remain as part of the group. So I've continued to be part of the applied social sciences group at Cambridge university led by Dr. Robert I have loved being part of a research group and the opportunity to work with Robbie whose work and work ethic. I admire tremendously. I have been frustrated and disappointed with my lack of progress and complete in the research. I am attempting to write a piece of qualitative research, explore ethical dilemmas and the challenges of relationship-based practice within a child protection context. I have loved them read and, and research and is entailed and I've learned a lot. I intend to complete the paper during the first quarter of 2023. After that I would like to apply for a pre doctoral fellowship. And it's not that I necessarily want to produce research. Per se. It's just that I've loved being part of the research group and a kind of learning environment and culture and being around. Inspiring. Intelligent, smart people. And being part of the group is one way to do that. And applying for pre doctoral fellowship is also one way to do that. The research is also. Interesting and fun to do will be quite difficult as well. Professional development. This is my third year writing a blog. I have not been as consistent as I was in the first couple. Of years. I have written 14 blobs this year, which is 11 short of my desired amount. Part of this. It's due to have an opportunities to write elsewhere. For example. I have written a chapter in insight is outsiders hidden narratives of care experience. Social workers edited by ship on the clean and Mary Carter. I've written a narrative review, parental Periop advocacy with Clive Diaz and colleagues, which is due to be published. This year. As well as other blogs, such as one on the implementation of. Children's social cap policy in Wales. Therefore, what I am disappointed that I've not written as many blogs as I would've liked. I have been writing. And I need to remind myself that that is the main point. The blog has seen an increase in followers from 500 to 875. I'm unbelievably grateful to every single person that follows or reads the blog. I am still always astonished that anyone ever reads them. The free mesh, popular blogs in 2022. Was the first one was on formatic analysis. The second one was pulled five points about the tragic death of our Philippine new shoes. And the third one was free reasons why direct work in child protection, a challenge it in 10 principles to overcome them. Two of those. I wrote in 2021. So if I only include the most popular blogs I wrote in 2022. They are. Three reasons why direct work in child protection to challenge in temperance bulls to overcome them. That has 2,868 views. Five books. Every frontline social workers should read. This was actually. Have five. Blogs. Of different books. And this the most popular one was about working with tonight. Child abuse. Which is a book by Andrew to now and Susie asterix. I had 2,599. Views. And then summary of key ideas from in the realm of hungry ghosts by gap or Matay. That has had 2,122 views, which I am a little bit surprised by because. That didn't really get much of a response when I initially shared it online. So that seems to have. Picked up traction. Pleasing Lee, the blockers at least 350 views per week, which has sustained momentum. Even when I do not write a blog for a few weeks. In 2022. And I had 41,000 views and 26,000 visitors from over 60 countries. Right. And a blog is the most impactful activity I undertake personally and professionally. Very few areas of personal and professional life are not enhanced or improved by a regular writing practice. And in last year's blog. End of year review. I shared some ideas about. Writing. And how to write. And also what are some of the benefits? Ah, in relation to that. So, if you were interested in writing a blog, then it might be worth checking out. Last year's end of year review. Right in the blog also directly informs other pieces of work. For example. I delivered a webinar with Ian Thomas. Whereby I drew heavily on the blog. The webinar was called a compassionate inquiry into addiction. And that was one of my proudest achievements in 2022, mainly because of the opportunity to collaborate with Ian Thomas. Who I greatly admire and deeply respect. I think he's a really charismatic while I use intelligent, thoughtful individual. Would also like to make a special mention to Chavon McLean. Who is a great inspiration to me. And it's been incredibly kind and supportive when I've worked with her. And she's invited me back to be part of her webinars series and And write a chapter in her book. And so I have a lot of time for sure. And also she's allowed to, in to social work. The next section is on the podcast. Perhaps one of the most exciting developments this year has been to Sapp podcast and I'm originally titled rich Divine's social work podcast. Which is what you're listening to now. I have wanted to do a podcast for about three years. I spent hours and hours research in the software and equipment needed. The more I researched the more confused and overwhelmed I was. During October, I was speaking to a close friend, James struck and about. My desire to set up a podcast. Initially. I thought I would make it a new year's commitment, but he was insistent in the most encouraging way that I start now. The gist of his message was don't wait for a future moment act and make it happen. So on the back of that conversation, I contacted Vicky from social work sorted. Who, if you haven't already, I'd highly recommend checking out. And she has a really brilliant podcast. Given lots of really helpful advice and guidance for a S yes. And I contacted her and she was incredibly kind and generous and encouraging. When I was asking her advice about the editing software and how to publish it. So. When she shared with me, her editing software and what publishing website she used. I just jumped straight in and recorded and published my first episode within a few days. My intention for the podcast is to share information and have conversations that support. Frontline social workers in the role. I'm creating a podcast or at least trying to create a podcast. That I wish I had as a case, hold in social worker. So far, the feedback has been incredibly positive and encouraging. The least popular podcast has been downloaded 76 times. The most popular podcast has been downloaded 208 times. In total, it's been downloaded over 1200 times. I have no idea how these numbers compare with other podcasts. So I can't really. Gage, whether these are good numbers or not. I'm slightly curious. As to how it compares, but at the same time, I'm super pleased and delighted with the number of people who have already listened. The podcast. Like the blog really is a long-term project. My intention is to publish an episode every week. For a year this year. But with the intention that are developed this over the next three to five years. The critical. Components for success as far as I can tell. I mean success in inverted commerce. Because it's relative. I've been consistent. So releasing on a, on a weekly basis. And patients. So for that, I need to remain focused on the process, not the outcome. The process needs to be as enjoyable as the outcome, in some sense. As is the case with many things in life, the process is the outcome. It costs money. So it's about. I think about 30 pound a month and maybe about two hours of time per week. So it needs to be a worthwhile. Journey. If I'm going to be doing this for the next two years. And then I wanted to share something that I didn't share in the blog. About. Doing something that you might want to do because it's really. Frightening or fear provoking and intimidate, and then scary. To put, put yourself out there, for example, by even writing. A tweet. I don't. I used to find that really challenging or to write a blog or. Too. Produce a podcast. But there's no. Antidote to that really? Other than just doing it. And so there's this email. Subscription. I'm signed up to by a guy called Chris Williamson. Who hasn't really popular podcast called modern wisdom. And I'll just read this out because it's really, it's kind of gets to the point of what my friend James was, was. Highlighting to me. Telling people you're going to do the thing isn't doing the thing. Messaging and friends who may or may not be doing the thing isn't doing the thing. Writing a bang, a tweet about how you're going to do the thing isn't doing the thing. Hating on yourself for not doing the thing isn't doing the thing. Hating on other people who have done the thing isn't doing the thing. Hating on the obstacles in the way of doing the thing isn't doing the thing. Fantasizing about all of the adoration you'll receive. Once you do the thing, isn't doing the feeling. Reading about how to do the thing isn't doing the thing. Reading about how other people do the thing isn't doing the thing. Read in this, this, this essay isn't doing the thing. The only thing that's doing, the thing is doing the thing. Go and do the thing. And I just love that because. You can get yourself so caught up in thinking about it, plan and get prepared and get talking to people about it. But at some point you kind of just have to jump in and take a leap of faith. And see what happens sometimes it's more, it's worth thinking about. The regret of not doing something more than what you could potentially gain. Like for this podcast. If I do this for a year, And nobody listens to it and it's a complete failure. Then at the very least I've, I don't have to live with the regret or force about what I did to about podcasts. What if that would lead to these opportunities or. These interesting experiences or the opportunity to speak to these brilliant, inspiring people. And so. Sometimes the. The projection yourself into what it would feel like to live with them. Grab not doing something. It's a way to motivate to you. Motivate yourself. The next part of the. End of year review is on relational activism. A highlight of this year. Has been the opportunity to collaborate with Tim Fischer. Tim. And I met a few years ago, along with my manager and service leader. Who's now assistant director Levi work. Who. I feel like I've said this a lot already, but she is one of the most inspiring social workers. I know she's incredibly. Compassionate. Child-centered parents entered family orientated. Innovative creative. Just a brilliant, brilliant person. So her and I attended this conference. How have I Camden council and was, it was organized by 10 Fisher called relationships. Make the difference. This was a conference like no other, I had ever attended involved. The diverse group of people, including social workers, assistant directors of other local authorities and parents who were also expertly leading workshops. The coalescing of these different people produced highly engaging and dynamic conversations about relationships and the challenges of the child protection system. It contained a richness and a Riga and depth that I have not come close to encountering in the 10 years, I'd be in a social worker. It provided a window into new possibilities for how we can work with. And how families in child protection. I only spoke to Tim briefly during the day, I will borrow a description of Tim by poly Curtis. Whose definition of him in her excellent book behind closed doors captured. My first impression of him perfectly. He's a smiley man with floppy hair and a laid back slightly hippy demeanor that masks a fierce intellectual focus on transforming the social work system. I was captivated and inspired by his leadership and ability to collaborate and integrate ideas. Such as love activism and art into social work. He's approached, struck me as transformational and transformative. Although I could see how our. How our values aligned his approach could not be forever away from mine. After attending this conference. I was compelled to find a way to re. To remain connected to Tim. I found excuses to email or reach out to him, recognizing that I had a lot to learn from him. We invited him with other key relational act because. Activism accomplish common pluses. There's a ton of twister. Becca dove and Clarissa Stevens. Both of whom are phenomenal in their own ways to a conference in Bain's in 2019. Since then we've kept in touch this year. We began collaborating. And produced four webinars together. One on implementing parental advocacy within local authorities. The second one on transforming child protection services using co-production and co-design. The third was activate and lift experience in child protection work. And the fourth was weighing the evidence peer program to our proceeded child protection work. With Dr. Clive Diaz. We have been delighted by the turnout of these webinars. Often over a hundred people have signed up. When we first started, we were worried if anyone would turn up at all. Well, then we were pleased by the quality of the content. We revealed our technological inaptitude at times, which compromised the overall webinar presentation. I didn't write this in the blog, but one of the most painful experiences last year. And it's kind of funny now, but it wasn't at the time was. I think in my opinion, the second webinar that we did and we had over a hundred people. Who has joined us on this webinar? And we were using zoo. And this was just at the point in which zoom, because of COVID, we're providing that service for free. Had transitioned out of that and that. And it returned back to the. I can't remember if it's a 20 minute or 40 minute limit on their meetings. And so in the middle of. Our webinar. With a hundred plus people, it just cut out. And we lost. Nearly everybody. About 20 people came back. After after, cause we managed to resend the link and, but a lot of the people had gone and work and taken over and they've been busy or they can find the link. And it was just really dispiriting to be in the midst of a, like really engage in. Interesting webinar with over a hundred people free to then shut down completely. And for us to be left with 20. Admittedly hardcore dedicated listeners. In any event that is an area we definitely improve. And as we move into this year, In addition to the technological aspects that we're going to be improving. We intend to double the number of webinars, and I think we've got really cracking lineup or webinars. 2023. Our intention is to produce regular high quality evidentially, robust, practically useful captivating, and for provoking webinars on various topics organized around. Coproduction co-design. And relational activism. The next section is on reading and audio books. In my previous annual review, I set myself a target reading 20 minutes a day. As I said in a previous interview review 20 minutes a day, doesn't sound like a lot, but it amounts to two hours, 20 minutes a week, nine hours, 28 minutes a month. Which is over. 121 hours a year. So that's at least three weeks of full-time work a year of reading. This year, I have read about 20 books, which is similar to last year. I've also started several, which are unfinished either because I got bored or another book has interested me. If you're interested in the books that I have read, then check out the blog because I've got a picture of them. I think redone along with writing is one of the most powerful self development exercises we can do. I tend to read books. Social work. My thinking is that if one book improves my belly, As a social worker by 1% faster, decent outcome, especially given how important. And life-changing some of the decisions that we are. That we make about children and families. My fee, my free favorite books this year have been number one, child protection practice by how refocusing. My one-line review is. Fascinating. And captivate a book. That captures the emotional complexity of child protection from forming intimate relationships, with abused children, negotiating with hostile or resistant parents and making challenge and decisions. One of my favorite quotes. The idea of intimate practice also seeks to capture the humanity of the encounter. The fact that it involves facilitating and listening to children's disclosures. Of any harm that has been perpetrated on them. How they feel about that parents, themselves, their pain and pleasures. Discussing their experiences of abuse in a range of medicals. They involve the removal of clothing to enable examinations, dealing with the anguish of parents who have harmed their child and may not lose them into care forever. Or helping those titles to develop that capacity to be care and to can be safe. Nurturing parents. Not nearly enough. Attention is given to the detail of what social workers and other professionals actually do, why they do it and their experience of doing it. The second. Favorite book I read this year was called beyond casework by James Barba, which was actually a book that I'd read as a result of reading child protection practice by Henry folks. And because he references the book. And says that it's an invaluable but often forgotten book. And I, and I would agree having now read it. One line review. One of the few books I have read that acknowledges the inherently conflictual nature of relationships between staff Xi, social workers and parents. That also provides invaluable insights on how to navigate conflict or dynamic successfully. I found this book so good that I ended up writing a blog on it to help me. Integrate some of the learning. My favorite quote is. The problem with the unqualified importation of counseling. And psychological and psychology methods into social work is that much of social work practice cannot be considered therapeutic in the narrow psychological sense of that term. It follows that the formation of a relationship to change to facilitate psychotherapeutic change may be neither fundamental nor even desirable in certain circumstances. Nowhere is this clearer than in the case of the involuntary client? With clients who sole reason for social work contact is because of external constraint. The very foundations are not out from under the helping relationship. How realistic is it to assume that the client is motivated to solve the problem when he or she may not even accept the problem exists? What sort of mental gymnastics is required to convey the conditional positive regard. And I believe in climbed scent. Self-determination when the family relationship between worker and client may mean the difference to the client between freedom and going to prison. My third favorite book of the year. When is the great psychotherapy debate by Bruce Wampold Zack. Email. One line review, a fascinating paradigm shift in book on the efficacy of psychological treatments that reveals how different treatment modalities achieve similar outcomes due to shared properties within each modality. This is a finding that has important implications for social work, practice models. My favorite. Quote is Rausing. Zurg in 1936 speculated or methods of therapy when competently used are. Equally successful. In the 1970s and 1980s, the evidence from initial matter analysis were consistent with Roslyn works, conjecture. In the next 30 years, exemplary studies and methodological sound matter analysis. I'm failing Lee produced evidence that demonstrate that there was small, if not zero. Differences among treatments. Have listened to a few audio books this year, partly because I canceled my subscription. As I found out wasn't listening to it. As much. In the only fiction book I've read or listened to this year, I listened to alpha. Oliphant is absolutely fine by Gail honeymoon. It is about an intelligent, lonely, traumatized and alcoholic woman in her twenties. Called Eleanor who is in inverted commas. Absolutely fine. She finds love with a colleague at work, Raymond through this relationship. She begins to discover herself and towards the end embarks on the change process, just like a remarkable and captivate in book. One of the things I realized when I try and. Relay the essence of a fiction book is how limited constrained. I am from a creative point of view. In. Capturing. The essence of the book. I don't have much of a repertoire in the way of. Describing. People or books. I also listened to radical candor by Kim Scott, which was a book that was recommended to me, this app loads of great insights and ideas in about managing people. And this helped me with the additional managerial responsibilities I've taken on this year. If you have a role managing people, then I couldn't recommend this book highly enough. And then the final section. Personal development. 35 years old. It occurred to me recently that I am approaching an age where I have spent the same amount of time in adulthood as in childhood. Yeah, I am still learning about how I was conditioned. And how the unconscious beliefs developed in childhood affect my emotions and behavior. This speaks to how powerful early experiences are on late to functioning. Earlier in the year, I did a program called heart space with Concord Institute. Here is a piece of writing. I produced to try and encapsulate what the experience offered me. It is hard to recall the precise moment where my heart was broken. I suspect however that it was at the time when my dad relapsed and began using drugs and drinking alcohol. My life before his demise into self-sabotage self-loathing shame and addiction was characterized by love stability in innocence. Self-protective preservation of the heart had not be required. Events following my DAS relapse would change that. The love care and attention. He had showed me up until that point slowly and increasingly with the way. As he was swallowed up by the addiction. That had played him all his adult life. Except for the several years he had achieved abstinence when I was born. At 16 years old, my dad died. The doctor said he died of cancer. I think he died of trauma and shame. To me. Psychologically, at least my dark died. times before he physically died. Whenever I approached him or saw comfort or tension from the age of eight until 16, and he was unavailable or rejecting our relationship suffered a blow. And my heart hardened. HeartSpace offered the possibility of discovering what I had lost. Creating space so that my heart could be in relationship to the magnificence and beauty of oneness, the infinite. But I was scared for letting go of the protective cases that was kept me disconnected from experience in life fully. Shielded my psyche from conscious awareness of the pain hurt and feeling of rejection I experienced as a child. It was a trade off in which I massively underestimate the cost of the cost of openness, oneness, love, and spontaneity. I didn't read the small print of this contract I had made with myself. On the third day of HeartSpace, we examined our relationship with our father. I spent the morning and during a pounding headache and experience in nausea. In the past when dealing with Ambia. Unbearable feelings. That I couldn't easily inhibit or suppress, for example, around the anniversary of my dad's death, I would turn to alcohol. I always felt connected to my dad during these moments. Connected by shame and our desire for self-annihilation. The symptoms I found on the morning of the third day. With the same symptoms I experienced following episodes of emotion, avoiding alcohol use. After lunch, we sat and meditated. As we sat there. Quietly, peacefully and attentive to the moment. Tears began to feel my eyes. For the first time since my dad died, I cried. I experienced the sorrow sadness. In the sense of rejection that I hadn't been able to acknowledge for all these years. Let alone process. It was a beautiful kind of pain. Whilst engulfed in emotion. I could still hear the fading voice of my ego berating me for being weak, prophetic, and embarrassing. It was still clutching on for dear life concerned that the expression of emotion would open us up to be hurt again. For the first time ever, I was able to let not be. I didn't need to attach any meaning to it nor allow myself to be influenced by it. It was the just same. Allowing space for the forbidden emotion shed light on the relationship between the death of my dad. And the closing of my heart by opening up my heart to process the painful feelings tied to this loss. I also shocked at the case in the end for too long diligently. At my heart. I subsequently shared this experience with others in the group. Confession recapitulation. Quite from Partington. To confess involves a need to speak out and be heard so that whatever is compressing one's heart, mind troubling. One spirit can be received and witnessed. It is something about a need to move out of one self centered prison and trust that by sharing whatever it is that. That didn't Swan being there can be released and renewal. It is something about acknowledging and uttering forth that which corrupts and destroys our capacity to love and be loved. For now the remainder of the afternoon, I explored in communion with others. The limitations of my father included his unresolved trauma, addiction and death. But also, is it admirable? Qualities. Such as his love for me, his intelligence and capacity to overcome adversity and transform even if only for a short time. Denying the pain that his function in and death had incurred on our relationship also denied me access to what else he had offered. More fundamentally being at war with myself, denied me access to the present moment. Freed from this inner battle to prohibit the expression of emotion. I could experience a new space. What was left? Precedence. Uninhibited presence. Love. Bounded love. No, it's something new. Fresh. Alive. It has no yesterday and no tomorrow. It is beyond the turmoil of fault. Space for the heart. So that was the reflective piece of writing. I did. After I did. Heart space. If I were not the subject of my experiences, I would find it hard to believe that it could take anyone 15 years to process and resolve some of the feelings about the loss of that ad. Yeah. That is how long it has taken me. More generally. I have felt more contempt this year than any other year. Last year, I wrote about a resentment for the level of self care required to keep self-defeating self-sabotage and beliefs at bay. I've accepted this now, partly because it has been integrated into my daily routine. Meditating journaling, taking a cold shower, exercising and eating healthier. What I need to do on a daily basis to avoid slipping into despair or allowing unhealthy thinking patterns to dominate my life experience. However, they are also will support me in fulfilling my potential. As far as I can tell contentment is not place or happiness. But rather the absence of inner distress and dissatisfaction. I have been striving towards freedom from the ego's persistent and unrelenting control of my life experience. An ego that wants to be, to feel inadequate. Worth less than the shamed. And ego that perpetuates those myths persuasively. Despite a life that no longer warrants, those beliefs about myself. To some degree. The work I've done over the years has begun to pay off. It is not, but I feel happy. Although I certainly have happy experiences and have a life worth being happy. Of, but I now experienced periods where I'm not preoccupied with feeling unhappy. And that is a kind of bliss. At least relative to how uncomfortable and painful it can be. When you experienced life for a particular lens. So. Conclude in force. I'm sure you'd be pleased to. Here. Before we get into that one thing. I forgot to mention when I was talking about. Audio books. And especially with podcasts, I could not recommend more highly enough. Listening to audio books or podcasts on times to speed. You can get so much more. Content and valuable information. And once you climatize to it. It's hard to go back to listening to podcasts that time's one speed. There's absolutely no need to listen to this podcast on times one. Speed. It you'll get a lot more out of it in half the time. If you listen to it at times to speed. Give it a go. So to conclude in reflections that I'm contemplating or moving into 2023. Number one. Return on investment. So this year I have taken on additional work outside of my day job. Some of these I've been paid for, although often not much relative to the time commitment, but the vast majority of what I've done has been unpaid. However financial renumeration is only one frame of reference. When thinking about worthwhile work. At least two of the variables are critical. Firstly the opportunity to learn, grow, and change. Secondly to work with others who energize and inspire you. I have certainly learned a lot this year and feel truly blessed with the people I've been able to collaborate with this year. Furthermore, some pieces of work. Don't have an immediate feedback loop. For example, I've been writing a blog for three years now. In that time. I produced over 60 blogs. I have not been paid a penny. In fact, I have paid for the domain name and use of WordPress, the site of the blog. The learn and has been immense. And there is something profoundly satisfying about sharing, learning. And hopefully valuable material for free. Without any expectations. In 2023. However, I have some exciting projects that I would have never been able to do without the blog. Or if I had not persisted with it over the years, And I, the point I'm trying to make that was that it's taken three years for some of those. Projects to come to fruition and that's been the result of. Right. I have blogs. We can we count over the last two to three years? The second point. Is on achieving. Potential. And taken on additional work. I have extended myself. Consequently, I have been able to produce more than I thought I could, but it does have a downside. I have. I have found that I often feel like. Perpetual failure because the normal, there is always a piece of work I cannot finish or even star. Yeah. If I only took home, what I thought was manageable. I would not reach my potential. I will illustrate this point using slightly made up percentages, which sound about true to me. If I only did what I thought was achievable. I think I would reach 80% of my potential. By taking on more, for example, 110%. I'm forced to up my game and probably achieve somewhere near a hundred percent. That is 20% more than I would otherwise. And yeah. At the same time. I'm falling short by 10%. And that can be a painful experience because the other 10% is commitment or agreements I've made with others. But if I want to fulfill my potential, I'm not sure that I know of any other approach. I have a suspicious feeling if I dialed it down and not say to a hundred percent. I probably let my foot off the gas and only achieve 90%. Which will not only undermine my potential. But also, still leave me for 10% surplus of unfinished work. That leaves me feeling anxious. And if you have any solutions to that predicament, then please do. Get in touch. So that's the end of. This episode. In future episodes, we'll move. Back into Sharon ideas, knowledge about effective social work. Or speaking to people who might be able to share that wisdom and ideas and knowledge. So manufacturers, the listening to this episode. If you haven't already, then please consider subscribing or sharing with your colleagues. And please. Please do leave a comment positive or negative. All feedback is very welcome. It's very hard to. Improve, unless you've received constructive, critical feedback. So I would very much welcome that. And if you have any questions or topics that you would like to be. Explored on this podcast and please do get in touch.