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Survived to Thrive Podcast
A podcast designed for survivors of suicide loss. This podcast explores the unique grief experiences that accompany a loved ones death due to suicide, shares insights on how your brain processes this kind of loss, and offers worthwhile and valuable tips you can start today to gain a more joyful and fulfilling life even though your loved one died.
Survived to Thrive Podcast
Episode 93: Happier Holidays THIS year.
Losing a loved one to suicide is a heartache that's especially poignant during the holiday season. Join me, Amy Miller, as I open up about my own journey through grief after the loss of my sister around Thanksgiving. Together, we'll explore the raw, often overwhelming emotions that surface during this time of year, and how to navigate the expectations that come with holiday traditions. Whether you're contemplating simplifying your celebrations or finding new ways to honor your loved one, I'll share insights and encouragement to help you discover joy and fulfillment amidst the sorrow.
The pressure to maintain perfect holiday traditions can be crushing after such a profound loss. We'll discuss the importance of self-love and creating a holiday experience that aligns with your current needs, free from external pressures or what others might expect. It's vital to honor your grief while also prioritizing your well-being. I'll also introduce a series of upcoming classes designed to aid individuals at various stages of their grief journey, emphasizing the continuous nature of healing. Let's walk this path together, finding strength, comfort, and perhaps a little peace along the way.
As always, thanks for listening!
We are a community dedicated to empower survivors of suicide loss along their grief journey. We invite you to check out our website to sign up for our weekly newsletter, along with other free materials."
Website: https://www.survived-to-thrive.com/
Email: amy@survived-to-thrive.com
You are listening to the Survived to Thrive Podcast with Amy Miller, a podcast for survivors of suicide loss. In this weekly podcast, you will learn more about your unique experiences and gain insights on your brain and how it processes grief and loss due to a loved one's suicide. While suicide grief comes in all shapes and sizes, Amy shows you that you still can have a life full of joy and fulfillment even though your loved one died. You don't have to just survive anymore. You can thrive.
Speaker 2:You are listening to the Survive to Thrive podcast with Amy Miller, episode number 93,. Happier holidays this year. Hey guys, welcome to the podcast. How is everyone doing this week? Today I'm recording this podcast on October 30th 2024.
Speaker 2:It is the day before Halloween. My kids are ready, they have got their costumes, they've already attended a couple of trunk or treats, so now we're just gearing up for the big night. Very exciting my 10 year old she's going the scary route. And my older daughter, she's just wanting to dress up. She's getting to that stage where she doesn't want to trick or treat anymore. And then, of course, I have my baby boy. He's three years old and he's going as cat boy from PJ masks and anyways, it's just a fun, fun time.
Speaker 2:Anyway, I've been thinking a lot about the holidays cause they're here right. We're celebrating Halloween, thanksgiving is coming Christmas, new Year's, and I know so many of you who have lost loved ones due to suicide have this feeling of dread when it comes to the holidays because it's a reminder that your loved one is no longer here. You're dealing with all kinds of feelings and emotions. I know for me personally my sister passed away right around Thanksgiving and the day we found out was Thanksgiving day. I was just having a conversation with my mom about this the other day and she told me how Thanksgiving just isn't the same for her and it hasn't been since my sister's passing. This year will be going on, let's see. She passed in 2017. So this will be seven years that she's been gone. She passed in 2017. So this will be seven years that she's been gone and you know, it just doesn't seem to get any easier for her. As you can imagine, as a parent losing a child, it's got to be very difficult. So she doesn't really want to celebrate like she used to and I don't blame her.
Speaker 2:And I got thinking a lot about survivors of suicide, loss and how we view the holidays after we've experienced the loss, after we've experienced the loss that we've experienced. I know for the first few years I really personally didn't want to celebrate either, as a sibling, having lost my sister. And you know, as years passed, I started to really do some healing and some processing and, you know, willingness to feel my emotions more and looking at the holidays a little bit differently than I have in the past, and the past three years I've really opened myself up and I've learned to really enjoy the holidays again, to the point where now this year, I'm really feeling like I'm looking forward to the holidays, and so I wanted to talk on this podcast a little bit more about that and how we, as survivors of suicide loss, can find ourselves having happier holidays again, and so I thought this would be a great opportunity to do that. So the first one I want to talk about and I think it's really really important for survivors to really understand this because I think that when you are having traditions and you're growing up with traditions and you have all these ways you like to do things, you have different foods that you're preparing, you have traditions that you're doing. You're having different things, different processes, different things in the way that you are celebrating the holiday happening Right, and so I think a lot of survivors feel like they have to keep up with that, that they have to keep doing that, even though they don't really feel like doing it.
Speaker 2:And here's the thing I want to say about that Rules are out. Okay, there are no rules After you've lost someone. There are no rules. Okay, there was never rules to begin with. You just decided on those rules before you went through your loss, and your rules can change, your traditions can change, the way you celebrate the holiday can change. Okay, it doesn't have to be the same, and I know so many of you are thinking to me well, I have my kids and I have to make it nice for them, you know, and you can do that.
Speaker 2:Okay, but that doesn't mean you have to go about it in the exact same way. You can do things that affect you and impact you a little bit differently. Maybe you want to make things a little bit easier. Maybe you don't have to prepare a ginormous meal. Maybe you can just take your children and go to a nice steakhouse or a favorite restaurant for Thanksgiving this year. Maybe you could just do something different, like making pizzas or something.
Speaker 2:It doesn't have to be as big of an ordeal as we tend to feel like it should be right, and so I always recommend for survivors to just kind of let go of all of those old rules that you set for your traditions and set for the way you think the holidays should go, because those rules no longer apply. You get to do it however you want, or you can keep some of those things, and that's okay too. Okay, because I think a lot of survivors feel very beat up with the idea of doing something without their loved one. Here, maybe there was a certain tradition where you feel like you'll you know, maybe you're afraid what that will feel like or look like with your that person missing in your life. But you know, give yourself a little bit of permission to go ahead and just try it. If you really really want to do it, or if you don't want to do it, just don't do it. Right, do it however you want to do it, because the rules are out, okay.
Speaker 2:The second thing I want to talk about is you are allowed to feel all the feels whenever, wherever, anytime, and I think this is important, because so many of us give ourselves these expectations on when and how we can grieve right, and grief is just a messy experience. It's chaotic, it's sporadic, it comes in waves, sometimes it hits you hard. Next minute You're laughing hysterically and there's really no rhyme or reason to it. There is really no pattern, there's no rules, there's no step-by-step way to grieve right. Everybody's grief experience is unique, right? Everybody's grief experience is unique, and I talk a lot about how unique our experiences are throughout this podcast, because I think we always have to be reminded that our grief experience is our own and sometimes we tend to forget that right, and we have this expectation on how we should be grieving.
Speaker 2:Right, and I feel like we should throw out all those shoulds and just allow ourselves to be the humans that we are experiencing an experience that's hard, that's challenging, that's difficult, that's painful right, and just experience it.
Speaker 2:How we as a human being, as a person, as an individual, unique human being is going to process that experience. Individual, unique human being is going to process that experience and we need to really stop judging ourselves on how we're doing it. You know, we're we are truly our worst critics when it care endlessly right, and you know, I think we need to be very mindful of that and be careful, because a lot of these things we say to ourselves we would never say to someone we care about and we need to really show ourselves some self-care, and we're not being caring when we're critical and we're judging ourselves. So I think it's really important to be mindful of that. Okay, and you know, I feel like, if you are in a place, okay, something brings up a memory, brings up a thought, brings up an idea, brings up something dealing with your loss and you just have an emotional moment. That's okay. Give yourself permission to do that. Just allow yourself to cry in that moment. Give yourself permission to do that.
Speaker 2:Just allow yourself to cry in that moment. It doesn't really matter who's looking, who's observing it. I know so many mothers, especially mothers. They want to hold it in because they don't want to let their kids see, you know. But I think of it in an opposite way. I think it's really important for your kids to see that. I think it's important for them to see that their mother is having some emotions and feeling some feelings right now and they're expressing them because that subconsciously gives them permission to do the same when they go through hard things right. And we want our children to be able to express their emotions. So I think you should feel all the feelings, express them in the moments you want to express them. Even if you don't want to express them, just allow them to be and allow them to come out in the way that they're going to come out and manifest in the way that they're going to manifest, because I think it's okay.
Speaker 2:Okay, we're all human beings experiencing an intense experience of losing a loved one to suicide. Okay, the next thing I want to talk about is just say no. I really like this idea because sometimes we are such yes people that we say yes to everything because we don't want to disappoint people, we don't want to let anyone down, and we just that. We say yes to everything because we don't want to disappoint people, we don't want to let anyone down and we just want to say yes to everything and everyone because we just want to do the best we can right. We want to show our best foot forward, we want to be helpful, we want to be people pleasers, we want to be a lot of things right, but I think it's really important, especially during the holidays, just to be willing to say no. It feels like it's too much on your plate if it's just going to put a little more of a load on you that you know you really can handle right now. Because, let's face it, when we're grieving and we're going through the grief experience and we're trying to process and deal with that, that is a plate full right there, right, and there's only so much room on that plate. You can't fit three meals on that plate. So make sure that you are being very mindful of that and being respectful of yourself and give yourself permission to say no. Okay. It's actually very empowering to do it.
Speaker 2:Sometimes it takes practice because you know I am a recovering people pleaser myself. I'm always tried to please everyone around me and I've just learned that doing this has just really created a toll on my mental health, my physical health and everything. So you know, learning to say no and to not take more on your plate than you really can handle is so important, because the truth is you really don't need to do more than what you are capable of doing. You don't need to do more than that and give yourself permission to say no, and you know the way I decide on the things. That I say no to. This is just for me personally, and of course, you can do this for yourselves on however it feels good to you, but for me, I asked myself if this is something I really don't want to do. If that is something I really don't want to do, okay, then that is just an automatic no.
Speaker 2:Okay. If it's something that I don't want to do but I could probably do it, I also put that in the no Okay. If this is something that I really want to do but I really just have other things I need to focus on that are more important, I say no to that too. Things come up that are going to be super important, that you really don't want to do, that you really don't want to participate in, Right, but they need to be done. Maybe it's something for your child, maybe it's something for your parent, maybe it's something that's, you know, a financial obligation or something like that. Okay, I'm not really talking about those things. I'm just talking about the other things, the other things that you know. Maybe some friends invited you to go to a party or something and you just really don't want to go to it because you're just not feeling up for it. Just be willing to say no Okay.
Speaker 2:All right, and I think it's really important to really differentiate that. All right. The next one I want to talk about is to adjust your expectations about the holidays. Sometimes I think we have all these expectations for the how the holidays are going to look, but here's the thing they are just not going to be the same. Okay, period, it's a truth bomb, it's honest, it's, it's what it is Right. And I think that sometimes we think, well, I got to do these traditions for the kids and I've got to, you know, or whatever. But here's the deal sometimes just doing the bare minimum is enough. Okay, maybe for Christmas you don't go all out on all of the Christmas buying gifts and planning the big meal and doing all of the advent calendar stuff. Okay, maybe all you do is just Santa for the kids. Okay, maybe that's all you do. The rest of it out the window, okay, totally fine. Trust me, your kids will still have fond memories of that holiday. You don't have to be super mom. You don't have to be. You know the perfect host for the holidays. You know the perfect host for the holidays. You don't have to do any of that. Okay, you can adjust how things are going to look. Okay.
Speaker 2:The other thing I want to suggest and make sure you understand is, you know, a lot of these expectations that we've created on holidays is how perfect they need to be, and when you have lost a loved one to suicide, just that alone, right there, makes it so that the holiday isn't as perfect as you envision it to be Right, and so I think it's really important to be real about how that's going to look, how that's going to feel, and be okay with that. You know, sometimes we feel so resistant to things feeling and looking a little different. We're afraid, we're scared. We don't want it to look that way, you know, but sometimes acceptance is really going to help soften it. It's going to make it feel not as painful, it's going to feel better. You know it's going to. It's going to feel different, right, but it's going to feel better, and I think that's really important to recognize that it doesn't have to look a certain way because, let's just be frank, it's not going to because our loved one has passed.
Speaker 2:Okay, the last one I want to bring up in this episode today is how sometimes we have in our head on how our loved one, the person that we lost, would want you to handle the holidays right, especially if it was the spouse, maybe it was your child, maybe it was your parent, you know, maybe someone close, maybe a sibling, you know, sometimes we get in our heads on how our loved one would have wanted us to continue on with the traditions. You know, sometimes you hear from other people which I kind of loathe, right when people will come to me and they'll say, oh, your sister would really just want you to be happy, your sister would just really want you to really enjoy this Christmas holiday. Right, but here's the thing who cares? Who cares if they wanted you to? Okay, now, I'm not saying this really to be mean or anything or to be rude about it, but the truth is, is your loved one who passed feels their own feelings about things, and we get to decide how we feel about things. Right, we get to decide on how things are going to look for us. We are the decision makers. Yeah, maybe we want to take into consideration our families and things like that. But here's the thing our loved one, they truly want us to do the holidays how we want them to be done. They really do.
Speaker 2:Okay, maybe this idea you know that people present to you that your you know loved one would have wanted you to be happy, that they wanted you to just really enjoy your time. Okay, maybe that doesn't really matter that much, right? Maybe your loved one didn't really think that. Maybe they do want you to be a little bit sad for them. Maybe they do want your traditions and things to look a little different. Okay, who's to say right? Because they're not here to tell us, right, how things should look. Why do we put so much stock into that?
Speaker 2:So my recommendation is just allow yourself to be the decider, to be the decision maker, to do it how you want it to be done, not the way your loved one would have wanted it to be done. Okay, I think it's really important. When you're able to do this and you do this from a place of self-love, of self-care and also a way to honor your loss and the grief that you've experienced you're going to make your holidays feel so much better. So I highly recommend just allowing yourself to do it the way that you want to do it. Okay, friends. So I think that's it for this week.
Speaker 2:I'm going to be hosting on my website some new classes. They're going to be coming out soon, that where we're going to take a deeper dive in navigating the holidays, and I really want you to sign up for those. I think they're super helpful, especially if it's been the first few years since you have lost your loved one Okay, but this is also super helpful even if you've lost your loved one 10, 20 years ago, okay. So don't discount it if you're not a new griever, because I think they're great reminders. They're even reminders for myself, because it's constantly a journey. Right, we're on a journey. We're on a journey together as we're trying to navigate the aftermath of suicide loss. All right, friends, thank you so much for listening. Just know that I care and I love you all. Thanks again, until next time, bye-bye.
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