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Survived to Thrive Podcast
A podcast designed for survivors of suicide loss. This podcast explores the unique grief experiences that accompany a loved ones death due to suicide, shares insights on how your brain processes this kind of loss, and offers worthwhile and valuable tips you can start today to gain a more joyful and fulfilling life even though your loved one died.
Survived to Thrive Podcast
Episode 94: 7 Lessons Learned in the Last 7 Years
Grief can feel like a full-body renovation, tearing down the structures we thought were permanent. Seven years since losing my sister to suicide, I'm sharing a personal journey through the chaos of grief and the transformative power it holds. As the holidays approach, this episode reflects on the overwhelming process of mourning, revealing our deepest vulnerabilities and offering a path to rebuilding a life filled with joy and fulfillment despite such loss.
We'll explore how personal growth and healing are akin to home renovation, requiring us to knock down walls and clear away the clutter of our emotional lives. This process exposes our core strengths and calls attention to the high cost of sacrificing personal peace. It's about recognizing the power within ourselves even when faced with life's most overwhelming challenges. Amidst the chaos, finding balance and focusing on what truly matters becomes essential, especially during busy times.
Gratitude emerges as a powerful remedy for pain, with the act of keeping a gratitude journal transforming our perspective on life's abundance. The importance of service becomes evident, providing relief and perspective as we help others through their struggles. Finally, we hold onto the belief that our best days lie ahead, offering hope and resilience drawn from personal experiences. This episode paints a hopeful picture of finding joy and connection amidst life's challenges, reminding us that the future is full of possibilities.
As always, thanks for listening!
We are a community dedicated to empower survivors of suicide loss along their grief journey. We invite you to check out our website to sign up for our weekly newsletter, along with other free materials."
Website: https://www.survived-to-thrive.com/
Email: amy@survived-to-thrive.com
You are listening to the Survived to Thrive podcast with Amy Miller, a podcast for survivors of suicide loss. In this weekly podcast, you will learn more about your unique experiences and gain insights on your brain and how it processes grief and loss due to a loved one's suicide. While suicide grief comes in all shapes and sizes, Amy shows you that you still can have a life full of joy and fulfillment even though your loved one died. You don't have to just survive anymore. You can thrive.
Speaker 2:You are listening to the Survive to Thrive podcast with Amy Miller, episode number 94, seven lessons of the last seven years since I have lost my sister. Hey friends, welcome to the podcast. Thank you so much for joining me today. We are knee deep into the holidays and we just celebrated Thanksgiving and most of you that have been listening to my podcast know that I lost my sister in 2017 and we found out on Thanksgiving Day, which happened to be on November 23rd died and we got the news that she had died by suicide. It was very apparent. There wasn't very much investigation involved except for all of the evidence pointed that she had died by suicide and it was quite obvious. And, of course, we all received the news and it was traumatic and devastating and all of the things all at once. Right, and you know, for me, dealing with loss and especially losing someone on Thanksgiving, I can't help but not think about that when Thanksgiving rolls around each year and this year it happens to be seven years since my sister has passed and I've been really contemplating and reflecting upon all of the lessons that I have personally learned going through this experience. I've been thinking a lot about my life, how my life was prior to my loss, how my life is now, and I've been just thinking about the lessons that I've learned and the growth that I've experienced, the changes that I have gone through and all of the things, and I really wanted to record this podcast episode, hopefully to give you all some hope.
Speaker 2:Okay, cause I know so many of you have gone through a recent loss. I know many of you have had a lot of ups and downs. I know many of you are still deep into all of the aftermath of what has transpired, and first of all, I just want to say, before I get into this episode, that I have so much compassion for you all. I just understand what that's like. I feel for you, but I also want to acknowledge that your experience is unique to you. It's unique to you and the relationship you had with your loved one, and while so many of the things that you've experienced looks different than mine, we still have the commonality of losing a loved one to suicide, and there is just layers to that that I think that people who have also experienced loss due to suicide can only understand Right, and so I just want you to know that I've been thinking about you. I support you in everything that you're trying to do, everything that your life is, you know, trying to achieve post-loss. I just support you. I want you to know that I'm there for you and that I care about you, that I think about you and you're the reason why I even have this podcast and that I love you and I just want you to know that because I think that's important.
Speaker 2:So, with all of that said, I've been really thinking about this podcast episode and I really wanted to talk about the lessons that I have learned, some of the knowledge that I've gained, some of the things that have transpired in my life because of my loss that have made my life better. I wanted to share that with you, not to say that any of those things was worth losing my sister to suicide, but I just want you to get a glimpse, knowing that, just because you have experienced something traumatic, your life still can have some joy, that your life can be something that you can still look forward to, because I think so many of us, when we experience loss due to suicide, we give up on that idea. We think that we're now in this life sentence of misery, of sadness, of depression, of anger, of all of these things that we really don't want in our lives and we question and wonder if life is even worth it because of it. But I do want to say that, after seven years, I now know that there are still so many things in my own personal life that I get to look forward to that. There are times that I've experienced intense and amazing joy, and I want you to know that that's all available to you as well, that you don't have to, you know, be stuck in this loop of misery that I think so many of us get caught up in, and that your life doesn't have to just suck right, because I think so many of us think that's what is going to be. We think that that's how our lives are going to be, but that's not the truth. So I'm hoping this podcast will give you some hope and it will give you a little glimpse into what your future could potentially look like.
Speaker 2:All right, so the first lesson I want to talk about and I think this is really important to know okay, about grief. Grief is like a full body renovation, okay, and I like to explain it like this, because I think so many of us are just barely trying to keep afloat and we're in the depths of our grief trench, right when the waves of grief are coming over on top of us, we're just doggy padat. When we're in the depths of our grief trench, right when the waves of grief are coming over on top of us, we're just doggy paddling and we're trying to just rise above just to get a breath of air, only to be swallowed up by the next wave, right. And you know, I prefer to look at our grief experience more like a full body renovation. It's like a rebuilding experience. It really strips you down to the very core of what makes us us right. It's very exposing, it's deep, it's vulnerable, right. It really just takes us to the foundation of who we are. And I think it's important to note this because, while we're experiencing the pain of going through grief right, we think it's just knocking us down, knocking us knocking us down, and what's really happening is it's just opening us up for something new. And I think we have to think about it this way, because, while it feels like we are getting destroyed in the process, we're only opening up more possibility to become better, to become something different than what we were. We are getting down to the root of who we're truly meant to be.
Speaker 2:A lot of times, I like to look at it like this, when I think of a home being renovated right and all the walls are being knocked down, of a home being renovated right and all the walls are being knocked down. You know, like one of the shows I really like to watch is it's called hoarder house flippers, I think is what it's called but they buy these homes that are just full of stuff, right, and they have all of these walls because the home was built, you know, back in the days when, you know, homes had very individual rooms and they were small rooms. And so somebody comes in, removes all of the stuff that's inside and they start knocking down walls and they start opening up rooms Right, and it just transforms into something that we never thought was possible with the home, right, and it just transforms into something that we never thought was possible with the home, right, and it just becomes this real beautiful, amazing home. And, of course, they turn it around to sell it for profit because they're able to, you know, transform it into something amazing and beautiful. You know, it's kind of the same thing with us when we're experiencing our grief experience. You know our walls are getting knocked down. Our pieces of our character right, the personality traits, the way that we dealt in our relationships, the things that we were doing on a daily basis, our habits, things like that it all gets kind of exposed right. It all gets kind of exposed right. And when that's all exposed and we're able to see it clearly and we start to remove all the junk that we've been keeping and holding onto and hanging onto, it opens us up for greater potential and possibility and it transforms us right impossibility and it transforms us right into something that could be so much better and even more beautiful than it was before. So that is one lesson I've learned about grief is that it's that full body renovation, that's a rebuilding experience that strips us down to the very core of what makes us us, and it's deep and it's important and it's something that can be transformed. So that's lesson number one. So lesson number two you are stronger than your most difficult days.
Speaker 2:Okay, I think so many of us lose hope when we're going through those hard moments. I know I did. I know there were times when I felt like I don't even know what the point is anymore. It is so hard I don't know if I can survive it. I don't know if I can deal with this anymore. It's just too overwhelming. But I will say every day that I would experience something like this. I would find that there was something. I would get a little glimpse, or I would be shown, or I would be offered by somebody a little bit of a help up and I could see that I was actually stronger than that difficulty that I was experiencing. I might not be able to see it right then, as I was experiencing it, but I could see when I'm looking back that I did have that strength, that I did have the ability and the capacity to get through whatever it was that I was faced with, right, and that's why I am still here, that is why I'm still moving on, that I'm still going forward and I'm doing things that I'm doing, that I'm doing this podcast, that I'm still going forward and I'm doing things that I'm doing, that I'm doing this podcast, that I'm out there, you know, with my kids and my husband and my family and my relationships and my work and all of those things, because the truth is is that I am stronger than my most difficult day, and that's an absolute truth that you need to remember.
Speaker 2:Okay, number three, this lesson. I think sometimes it takes an experience like what we've experienced due to loss, due to suicide, for us to learn Okay, the price for peace is too expensive. I think, deep down and in the back of our minds, we know this to be true, yet we seem to not really take it serious, I think. I think we tend to know deep down it's true, but then when we're faced with whatever it is that we're trying to get through maybe it's a bad relationship, maybe it's, you know, a bad work environment or whatever it is right, that price that we're paying is too expensive. Right, it's, no amount of money is worth our peace, right, no relationship, no job, no career, nothing. And I think it's important to realize this, because peace is all we really have, right, and it should be the ultimate goal. Now, I'm not saying our lives are going to be free of conflict and issues and problems those are going to still come no matter what. But I think that if we always make sure that we remember, as we're going through things, that the price for peace is too expensive, that maybe that will help us to be mindful of what we're allowing into our lives, right, it'll help us to be more mindful of what relationships we're choosing to keep, what jobs we're choosing to stay in, what careers we're choosing to be in, or which friends we're choosing to hang on to and which family members even that we're choosing to hang on to. Now, listen, sometimes, the family members that we have in our lives, they take away our peace and, you know, the truth is is sometimes it's not really worth it, right? It's not really worth our peace, and so I think it's really important to be mindful of that.
Speaker 2:Okay, lesson number four slowing down is crucial, right? I think you know we get in such a rush in our lives, we get so busy in everything, and especially this time of year, it's really out in the forefront, right? Because we have work parties, we have friend parties, we have family parties, we have events going on, we have charity. We have the angel tree we have, you know, whatever it is we've got going on. We have charity. We have the angel tree. We have, you know, whatever it is we've got going on. We have our work schedules, we've got family things that are going on and performances and stuff. I know, for me, I have kids, so you know, we've got my daughter's Christmas performance for her choir and my other daughter's Christmas performance for her band, you know. So there's all these things right that are going on and we just get so caught up in the busyness of life.
Speaker 2:But the truth is is we need to take some deep breaths, we need to slow it down. If that means giving up on a few things, maybe saying no to a few things, I think we need to do it, because being busy doesn't bring happiness, okay. Being busy doesn't bring joy. Being busy doesn't bring all of the things that we really want in our life, okay. If anything, it just brings us stress, it brings us anxiety, it brings us, you know, sometimes anger, even some. It brings us the things that we really do not want to have in our lives a lot of times. So we really need to just take some breaths, we need to slow it down. We need to be in the moment, we need to be present, we need to be, you know, in what is happening right now, in this moment.
Speaker 2:This last weekend, I spent some time with my kids and my husband and we went up to North. I live in Phoenix area, but we went up North, which is Flagstaff, Arizona, and up there they have pine trees and they have snow. Anyway, they have this Polar Express activity you can take your kids on. It's near the Grand Canyon, and so we decided to take our kids to go on this little adventure, to go on the Polar Express, go see the grand Canyon, cause it's near the grand Canyon, and I just took the day to really just be in the moment. I'm not saying it's easy, because a lot of us get caught up in the to-do list and the things that maybe get done or whatever, but I really intentionally spent that time, spending it with my kids and my family, and I'm telling you the relief that comes from being present and just letting everything else go for a moment. It's amazing and it takes practice. We need to practice it, I need to practice it, but really it really helps you if you really takes that time for yourself and just be present and enjoy what is happening right now, because right now it's going to pass right and it passes quickly and it passes fast. So we have to relish the moments that we have and to be in them fully, okay. Otherwise we're not going to um feel the way that we truly want to feel.
Speaker 2:Okay, the fifth lesson that I have learned is gratitude is the ultimate pain reliever. Okay, I'm telling you, gratitude is just one of those things that will instantly lift you up. So my mother taught me about this gratitude journal that she started doing, and she was telling me that she would get so into that gratitude journal by just expressing all the things that she was grateful for that she could not even see what she was lacking because she was so into what she was grateful for. And I think that that is huge, when you really get yourself into what you're grateful for and you really spend that time just embracing it and feeling it and being within gratitude fully. One of the suggestions that I like to do is just to always reflect on it every night, on the things that you're grateful for.
Speaker 2:Okay, maybe it's just one thing that you can really reflect on. Maybe it's 10 things for each of us it's different but I always recommend just start out with one thing, just one thing that you're super grateful for, and really spend some time and being in that gratitude of whatever that one thing is. And it doesn't even have to be a big deal, it can be something very simple. Maybe it could be like you're so grateful that you have clean water, okay, I mean, if you think about just something as simple as that and how grateful you are to even just have that, because there's so many people in the world that don't even have that right, that can really open your eyes as to everything that you truly do have and how abundant you truly are. And I think it's really important and it really helps with your happiness and the joy that you experience in life is when you are fully immersed in gratitude, and it really does eliminate and soften pain like nothing else.
Speaker 2:Okay, the sixth thing, the sixth lesson that I've learned over the last seven years, is how amazing service is. It is probably one of the most important things you can do when you're going through a hard time. One of the lessons that I've learned over life in my lifetime, and some of the lessons that were taught to me by my grandparents and to people that I've been heavily influenced by, is their willingness and their ability to serve, even when they were going through the hardest times in their lives, and it just opens your eyes on how connected we are with other people in the world. When we serve someone else who is lacking in something, it really helps to us focus on helping fulfill the need of someone else, that it helps us to realize that what we're going personally through is not not as bad as maybe we make it out to be. Now I'm not saying that losing a loved one and going through grief isn't really horrible, because I absolutely think it is, but what I'm saying is that other people are going through hard things too, and when we help them and we do something for them to help them make their lives better, it really kind of takes us out of our own problem that we're dealing with whether that be grief, whether that would be loneliness, maybe it's sadness, maybe it's anger and step outside of that for a moment and just take a break and help somebody else in need. It is just an amazing, an amazing transformative experience that helps us to really allow ourselves to be fully mindful that we're not alone in this, that we are all experiencing hard times in our lives.
Speaker 2:I think sometimes we get so caught up in thinking that our issues are worse than other people. I don't like to look at it that way. I don't like to look at my loss as being worse than somebody else's loss. I don't like to look at my loss as being worse than somebody else's loss. I don't like to look at my loss as being harder than what somebody else is experiencing, because the truth is we're all human beings and we're all experiencing hard things in life, and I think it's such a an amazing way to look at it, a great perspective, um, and it really really helps when we are willing to just help other people out, even when we're going through our hardest days.
Speaker 2:Okay, lesson number seven, and probably the most important lesson that I have learned, is that our best days are still ahead. Okay, I think this is so important. When I look back and I think about what was going on in December of 2017, that, after I had just lost my sister, we'd just gone through the funeral and I was sitting outside in a Target parking lot just trying to gather any energy that I possibly could to walk into that Target and go Christmas shop for my children for Christmas when I was in the depths of despair and sadness, and I think about where I am today, it's just a testament that the best days are still ahead and that's something that you can look forward to. So, maybe, when you're going through your really really hard moments and you're really going through your hard times. Just remember in the back of your mind this isn't forever.
Speaker 2:Okay, I'm going to have a better day tomorrow. I'm going to have a better month next month. I'm going to have a better year next year, because the truth is, your best days are still ahead, and I truly believe that for you and I believe that for myself. I even think about where I am today, seven years post loss, and I think about what my life is going to be in three more years, in 10 more years, okay, and I truly believe that those days are going to be even better than they are today, and so I want you to never forget and always remember that your best days are still ahead.
Speaker 2:All right, friends, so those are the seven lessons that I have learned over the last seven years since losing my sister. I hope that this gives you some hope, that this gives you some light, that you recognize that what you're experiencing now is not forever, that you are still going to have amazing, joyful times ahead of you, that you are going to experience some of the best days, that you are going to be able to reach some goals that you have for yourself that you are going to be able to reach some goals that you have for yourself, that you're going to be able to thrive in your relationships, that you're going to be able to thrive in your careers, in your workplaces and in your businesses and anything else that you've got going for you, that where you are now is not where you're headed to, and I think it's really important to remember that. So, friends, thank you so much for listening. Until next time, bye-bye.
Speaker 1:Thank you for listening to the Survived to Thrive podcast. If you like this podcast, please share with your friends and write a review on iTunes. Also check out survived-to-thrivecom for more information and to subscribe to get the podcast's latest episode, along with useful tips you can begin to use immediately to feel better, directly sent to your inbox.