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Survived to Thrive Podcast
A podcast designed for survivors of suicide loss. This podcast explores the unique grief experiences that accompany a loved ones death due to suicide, shares insights on how your brain processes this kind of loss, and offers worthwhile and valuable tips you can start today to gain a more joyful and fulfilling life even though your loved one died.
Survived to Thrive Podcast
Episode 97: Forward Motion! Goal setting and dreaming after loss.
Setting goals and dreaming again after a devastating loss can be daunting, but it is also a pathway to rediscovering joy and purpose. We explore the importance of small goals, celebrating progress, and envisioning a future while honoring those we've lost.
• Exploring how to reclaim joy after loss
• Importance of setting small, manageable goals
• Benefits of structure, hope, and personal agency
• Steps to reconnect with passions and identity
• Celebrating progress instead of perfection
• The significance of dreaming again and honoring loved ones
• Encouragement to take small steps forward in the healing journey
Feel free to reach out, sign up for my newsletter, or check out my website for more resources and support.
As always, thanks for listening!
We are a community dedicated to empower survivors of suicide loss along their grief journey. We invite you to check out our website to sign up for our weekly newsletter, along with other free materials."
Website: https://www.survived-to-thrive.com/
Email: amy@survived-to-thrive.com
You are listening to the Survived to Thrive Podcast with Amy Miller, a podcast for survivors of suicide loss. In this weekly podcast, you will learn more about your unique experiences and gain insights on your brain and how it processes grief and loss due to a loved one's suicide. While suicide grief comes in all shapes and sizes, Amy shows you that you still can have a life full of joy and fulfillment even though your loved one died. You don't have to just survive anymore. You can thrive.
Speaker 2:You are listening to the Survive to Thrive podcast podcast with Amy Miller, episode number 97, forward Motion Goal Setting and Dreaming After Loss. Hello and welcome to the Survive to Thrive podcast. I'm so thankful you're here today. I'm really appreciative for each of you who join each week. I really want you to really take this space for yourself to really find connection and understanding and hope as we navigate this life after loss. I really feel like so many survivors of suicide loss don't know where to go. They don't know where to turn to, and sometimes just listening to someone and someone who dives deep into conversations and topics that really impact survivors of suicide loss really can be helpful and really help us to find hope again in this mess that we find ourselves in. And so, if you're listening, I just want to give you a big shout out and thank you, and if you really like this podcast, I would like for you to share it, get the word out, share it with other survivors of suicide loss so that they also have this place that they can listen to. Obviously, this is a free podcast and anyone is welcome to listen and to take part in the conversation when we're discussing this difficult topic, and so I just appreciate you all. So today we're going to explore something that is both tender and empowering, and that is really how to set goals and rediscover your dreams and begin looking forward after experiencing a life altering loss.
Speaker 2:I think that so many of us, the survivors, don't feel like we have anything to look forward to, but here's the truth you will rediscover the things that you enjoyed. You will rediscover um the things that you want to accomplish, the things that you want to be able to see through and the experiences you want to have in this life, even though you have lost a loved one to suicide. And if you're in the deep trenches of grief which is what I like to call it when we're, you know, dealing with a very recent loss just know that there is hope out there that it's not going to be like this forever. I think a lot of survivors feel like that this might be this their life sentence, that they are in this new reality and this is just the way that it's going to be, and I can promise you, I can promise you that it doesn't have to be that way. Okay, I know it because I've gone through it. I've helped so many survivors get through it as well, and this doesn't have to be a life sentence, even though it may feel like it.
Speaker 2:So just know that, going in as you're listening to this podcast, this podcast episode is really designed specifically for those of you who have survived loss, but you're not still in that deep trench of grief, okay. So if you are in that deep trench of grief, you might feel a little disconnected from this episode, and that's okay. You might feel a little disconnected from this episode, and that's okay. Okay, you can still listen to this episode, but just realize that this is for those of us who have already gone through that deep trench and we're on our way out and we're really trying to move forward after losing someone to suicide. So just keep that in mind Now. You can also keep in mind that while you're listening to this episode, that while this all feels very impossible to be able to get to this point, that it may show you that there is actually some hope, okay, that you're going to be able to move forward, that you are going to enjoy life, that you are going to find things in life that are fulfilling again, okay, and that you can achieve things even though you've lost someone, that you are going to find things in life that are fulfilling again, okay, and that you can achieve things even though you've lost someone that you care so deeply about, okay, so I just want you to keep that in mind, all right.
Speaker 2:So, with all that said, I want you to ponder and consider the question why setting goals matter after loss? Right, because when you lose someone to suicide, it can feel as though time is frozen. Right, your world has been shattered and it's hard to imagine putting pieces back together, and goals, especially goals, might feel trivial or even impossible, but here's the thing. Okay, even impossible, but here's the thing, okay. Setting goals isn't about fixing anything. Okay, it's not fixing the grief, it's not fixing yourself, it's not fixing your future, it's not fixing anything.
Speaker 2:And I think we get fixated on this idea of fixing right, but what goals do? Right, but what goals do? It's about giving yourself permission to take small steps forward, okay, it's small steps to reclaim a sense of purpose and to honor your own life, which is still unfolding. Right, and I want you to think about goals as very, very small goals. Okay, because sometimes we get so into this idea, especially when we're making our new year's resolutions. Right, we think of these goals in grand, in grand terminology, right, like, maybe you know, we really want to get our weight under control, so we think to ourselves you know, I'm going to lose 50 pounds this year, or I'm going to, you know, write that book this year, or I'm going to, you know, run a marathon this year, or whatever it is. And sometimes our, our goals become very grand, and that's okay. There's nothing wrong with making those huge, big goals and there's nothing wrong with taking steps and achieving those. In fact, I always encourage it.
Speaker 2:But what I'm trying to say is that when you have gone through something traumatic, especially when you've gone through loss, instead of really looking at goals in terms of these big, huge, grand things, I want you to think of them as small goals. I want you to consider making small goals. Okay, I want you to think of it that way. It's a lot easier and it's a lot more conducive to be able to set a small goal and to take the steps to achieve that small goal. And achieve the small goal Okay, I often like to look at it like this, or liken it to a bike ride Okay, it's so much easier to get that pedal moving forward when we have a small hill to climb as opposed to a large hill to climb. Okay, because if we start small and we get the momentum going up that small hill, that when we approach the steeper hill, we'll already have things in motion and it will be so much easier to climb that steep hill as opposed to going from a flat road straight to that steep hill. Right, because a lot of times, when we just approach that steep hill, we get stuck, we don't have the momentum, we don't have the forward motion happening in our favor. So I really want you to think about it in terms of making the small goals. Okay, I really want you to think about it in terms of making the small goals.
Speaker 2:Okay, now, what is this benefit from making these small goals, you might be asking. Well, the first thing is structure. Okay, structure really offers us something to focus on when everything feels so chaotic and I can't hardly think of anything that feels more chaotic than experiencing loss due to suicide. Right, it feels like everything is in upheaval, that our lives have just transformed overnight into something that we don't even recognize anymore. Relationships are struggling, work environments are challenging. You're trying to deal with all of the aftermath after loss and all the logistics and dealing with all their stuff. Depending on your relationship with the person, right, and it's just, it can be really really overwhelming, right. But when we have a small goal, it helps us to feel control over something in our lives, right, and it gives us some sort of structure, right, when everything else is feeling so chaotic. And it really helps with our mental capacity to get through the bigger things when we're really focusing on the small, small things, because we're focusing on something that we have a little bit more control over.
Speaker 2:The second benefit of a small goal is it gives us some hope, right, a reminder that there's still more to experience and discover. You know, I really feel like that life in our lives in general is about looking forward to the future, Right, think of all the things that we do in our lives, right, all of the planning, all of the work, all of the things that we do in our lives. It's because of hope for the future, right, and it's sometimes well, I will say, for most of us who've lost a loved one to suicide that hope depletes significantly, if not all of it, right. And so I think that when we start with a small goal, it starts to reignite some of that hope that we once had, right, and it gives us a little bit of excitement, maybe just a little little burst of energy, a little burst of dopamine, right, which we're all desperately in need of when we're going through grief. Okay, the third.
Speaker 2:The third the benefit of a small goal is that it shows us agency, right, and it gives us back that power when we feel like so much has fell out of our hands, right? So if we're thinking about a small goal and we have complete control over if we achieve the goal or not, which, if we are thinking of things in terms of small goals, right, they're manageable. Right, they prove to ourselves we can make a decision about something we want to do, we can take the steps in order to achieve the thing we want to do and we can achieve it. And it's really, really empowering and it's helpful, and it just shows us how much control over our own lives that we truly do have. So one note about this is this isn't about rushing yourself to heal or pretend everything is okay. It's about creating a roadmap for the days ahead, and it's about honoring both your loss and your resilience at the same time. Okay, all right.
Speaker 2:With all that said how should we start setting goals? Okay, again, we're going back to starting small. Right, we're not talking about climbing the tallest mountain right away. It's about choosing a small trail and taking the first step. So here are a few steps to guide you through that process. Okay, the first one is start where you are. Okay, ask yourself where am I?
Speaker 2:Sometimes we are just in the middle of all the chaos and we're in this like mode of survival, right? So I want you to really ask yourself what feels manageable right now. Maybe it's as simple as, maybe, drinking enough water each day. Maybe you're not drinking enough water. There's so many of us who don't drink enough water right, that's a very small, manageable goal. Okay, maybe it's just taking a five minute walk right, a very small, manageable goal, just getting yourself outside for a moment, yourself outside for a moment. Maybe it's journaling for a few minutes, just writing some of the thoughts that are in your head, just write it down. Okay, the idea really is to start with small, achievable, bite-sized goals. Okay, the second step is to reconnect with what matters to you. Okay, loss can cloud your sense of self, take some time to reflect, and I really want you to consider what used to light you up. What dreams did you set aside? Maybe it's time to revisit an old passion or explore something new. You know, one of the things that I really enjoyed and I've talked about a lot of times in my podcast is how I love to run. It's one of my passions, I love to do it, and after I lost my sister, I lost probably the majority of my motivation to do it, but over time I got myself in my shoes. I just started with a small little jog and from there I grew back to being able to run marathons again. I'm not saying this happened overnight, it took time, right. But just considering, you know what it was that you loved doing before your loss. Okay, just because you lost someone doesn't mean that part of you has to disappear, right, because it's part of you. It was part of my identity before I lost my sister, right. And even though maybe I lost my motivation and I didn't want to do it and I felt like what's the point, which I think most of us feel that way after we've lost someone we care so deeply about, you know, revisiting proved to me to be important. I was able to achieve that passion again, right. So think about it. Think about what used to light you up, think about that passion that you had before. Or if something you did before just doesn't resonate with you right now, maybe there's something new that you want to try or explore. There's something about it, something about gaining a new skill, doing something different, getting out somewhere, visiting a place you've never been right. It really helps you to feel alive again.
Speaker 2:Okay, the third step is to set goals that honor your healing journey. Okay, your goals don't have to be about huge milestones or major achievements. See, that's the thing. I think a lot of us feel, like that's what goals were meant to be, these great big, grandiose things. I think a lot of us feel that way when it comes to New Year's resolutions. We write these great big goals.
Speaker 2:One of the most common goals, I think, is to get my health in order, and so when somebody talks about getting their health in order, they're thinking about losing 50 pounds, not eating any more sugar, exercising regularly, drinking a lot of water, doing some yoga, doing some stretching, whatever it is. But it's like so many different things, right? And so then the goal feels difficult because maybe one day you're really tired and you just don't feel like exercising, and then you think, oh, I just messed up, I didn't exercise today. I may as well just give up, and that's why these gyms, you know, are so crowded in January and February. It starts to taper off because we're not going to be perfect at things and we're going to make mistakes. When there are these great big, grandiose. You know goals right, but they don't have to be that way, right, and they don't need to be these major achievements, okay, they can just be these small things Like some.
Speaker 2:That I highly recommend for survivors is just to practice self-compassion or to deepen a relationship that you have or to deepen a relationship that you have. You know, when I lost my sister, I thought about I had to have another sister that you know I really wanted to deepen my relationship with, which was one of those things that I felt was really important to me, and it's been very fulfilling that I've been able to deepen that relationship with my other sister. Now do I look at it in a way, as you know, now that I've deepened that relationship with my sister? You know, that just shows how terrible the sister I was with my other sister. Well, you know, sometimes those thoughts kind of creep in, right, but here's the truth. You know, there's things in the past that we just can't change, we can't take back right, we can't do it differently. It is what it is right, but you may as well take from where you are now and do something different from here on out, and I really took that as a way to you know, help me in my healing journey. Maybe you'll find something in your community right that you could do. Another thing I really loved doing was really being involved with our survivors of suicide loss support groups here in Arizona. I also really took a passion in helping to raise funds for law for Tara, which is the suicide prevention organization here in Arizona. There's so many different things that you could do, right, but they don't have to be these big things. They can just be small, the things that really honor your healing journey.
Speaker 2:Okay, and the fourth step I really want you to think about is celebrating progress, not perfection. Again, it kind of goes back to the whole thing when we were talking about, you know, that big goal of getting your health in order, and then you forget to exercise one day and you just think, uh, I messed up and so it's ruined, or whatever. You know you're not going to get everything right. You're going to make mistakes. There's going to be days when things are going to feel harder to accomplish than others. Some days are going to feel easier and that's okay. Okay, progress isn't linear, right. It's more about moving forward. It's just keeping yourself on a pathway forward. Just keep going, even if you have to take a few steps back, it's okay. Okay, that doesn't mean you just got to keep going back, back, back, back back. That means you get yourself back up and you get back, moving forward, okay, even if you have to repeat that same part of the journey that you know you fell backwards on, and that's okay. It's all about progress, not perfection, okay.
Speaker 2:Now, the last thing I want to talk about is dreaming again. Okay, and you know, I really want to talk about dreaming. For many of us, the idea of dreaming about the future really feels overwhelming, or even unfair, as though moving forward dishonors the person we lost. But what I really want to remind you of, which I think is super important, is that dreaming doesn't mean forgetting. Okay. In fact, dreaming is a way of honoring life itself. It's a way of carrying the memory of your loved one forward, while also allowing yourself to grow. Okay, I really want you to think about that. It's really a way of carrying the memory of your loved one forward while also allowing yourself to grow, okay. So here are a few gentle ways to begin dreaming again that I want to talk about. I want you to first think about what feels possible right now. Okay, maybe it's just taking a class, maybe it's learning a new skill. Okay, it doesn't even have to be like a class, you could just go on YouTube and learn a new skill on YouTube. It doesn't even have to be like a class, you could just go on YouTube and learn a new skill on YouTube.
Speaker 2:One of the things my husband's doing right now is he's teaching my daughters how to tie knots. Okay, simple, silly. They're just things he learned in Boy Scouts when he was in the Boy Scouts, and he's really trying to teach them all of his skills that he learned in Boy Scouts and he's doing his own little scouting program with my girls and teaching them all those skills. So I sat there with him and I was trying to learn how to tie knots. And I'm in my 40s, right, and first time I've ever learned these different types of knots and you know different types of knots and you know it's just a small little skill, but it inspires me. Just tying these simple knots inspires me. It shows me and proves to myself that I'm capable of learning new things, that I can do things a little differently than I did before. Right, and that's the whole point. Okay, so if it feels impossible right now. Just do what feels possible right now, like the small little things, okay.
Speaker 2:The second thing, or second way, is to visualize a future you deserve, okay. Okay, you need to really picture a version of yourself who feels joy again. Okay, I know sometimes it doesn't feel like it doesn't feel like you want to feel joy again. Right, and that's okay. There's nothing wrong if you, you know, want to feel sad, okay, but my guess is that you want to someday be able to find joy again. So what does it look like? What steps could bring you closer to that vision? I really want you to think about that.
Speaker 2:And the last thing I want to talk about is involving your loved one's memory. Consider how your dreams might honor their legacy. Okay, maybe it's advocating for mental health awareness or starting a project in their name. Maybe you are really speaking to your loved one. You know so many people say to me, you know, like, after their loved one has passed, and they just feel completely cut off from their loved one. I don't feel that way. I feel like I talk to my sister all the time. Um, I think about her a lot, right, so you can talk to your loved one and involve them in your goal. You can involve them in you know, whatever it is you want to achieve and accomplish, right, and I think it really helps, okay. Another way is you can just live a life that is in a way that reflects the love for you shared with your loved one that you lost, right? So I really want you to involve their memory. Um, when you are working towards a goal, it feels better to do that, it feels like, um, it feels like, when you're doing this, it helps you to reconcile the fact that they're not with you anymore and it just makes it easier for you to be able to accomplish it. Okay, so, as we wrap up, I just want to leave you with this Setting goals and exploring dreams after loss doesn't mean leaving your grief behind.
Speaker 2:Okay, I think we feel like, in order to have a goal or to start dreaming again, you have to be done with your grief. Okay, that's not true. Okay, it means carrying it with you in a way that allows you to grow. You're allowed to move forward, you're allowed to feel joy again, you're allowed to dream of a life that feels fulfilling, even after such a devastating loss. You just have to take it a step at a time. You can set one small goal this week, something that feels manageable, meaningful to you. Just starting is huge, right, and just remember, you're never alone on this journey, and you know.
Speaker 2:Here's the thing. If you need help with this, if you feel like you're kind of stuck and you just don't know where to go from here, it's like you have this desire to start setting these goals and you're listening to this podcast and I'm giving you all these suggestions and these ideas on how to begin, but it just feels too overwhelming and you don't even know how to get to even the small first step. Reach out to me. Okay, this is what I do, this is what I coach on, this is what my programs are about. It's about allowing you to see that there is joy on the other side of grief.
Speaker 2:Okay, that doesn't mean grief is, you know, going to go away completely. I'm not saying that at all. I'm just saying you can have grief and joy at the same time and you'll be able to carry that grief with you, carry the honor and the memory of your loved one with you and still have a life that is fulfilling, and I think that that is so important for all survivors to know that that is available. So, with that all said, I'm going to say goodbye to you for now, but until next time, feel free to reach out, sign up for my newsletter. You can go to my website, wwwsurvived-to-thrivecom, and there you can sign up for the free resources. You can learn more about my coaching programs and and I appreciate you so much listening today Until next week, bye-bye.
Speaker 1:Thank you for listening to the Survived to Thrive podcast. If you like this podcast, please share with your friends and write a review on iTunes. Also check out survived-to-thrivecom for more information and to subscribe to get the podcast's latest episode, along with useful tips you can begin to use immediately to feel better, directly sent to your inbox.